Of Finding Innocence
by FanficwriterGHC
Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I have no ownership of these characters. If I did, I'd probably be fired for this.**

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU.**

**Author's Note: It's summer. I'm writing a Post-Finale fic that's rooted in truth and speculation. So, here this is, which is rooted in complete alternate reality! It's an odd premise, but give it a chance, I think it could become something really interesting. **

**Let me know what you think. We're going AU, gang. Hold on for the ride.**

**Emma**

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><p><strong>Chapter I:<br>**

"You're gonna leave me here? Kate, I don't even read these books!" Madison whined.

"Maddy, _you_ dragged me here to get this signed. I have to pee. I'll be back."

Madison glared but nodded and Kate slipped out from under the rope that made up the queue to Richard Castle, who conveniently was taking his own break. She and Madison had been in line for about 45 minutes, and Maddy was becoming insufferable. Kate didn't need the bathroom so much as an escape from Madison's tales of her latest boyfriend. She loved Maddy, she really did, but sometimes, God, her life was too…no, that was small of her. She shouldn't begrudge Madison her normal life.

Kate wound through the aisles toward the back and slipped into the bathroom, smiling as she found it empty. She didn't need a _long_ break, just a break. She used the toilet and then stood washing her hands, staring at her reflection. The circles under her eyes were finally fading a bit. She had put on some weight, and her skin looked less pale. Her therapist said she was doing well.

She sighed and hastily grabbed some towels, turning away from the mirror. She didn't want to think about why it was so good that she looked more human today than walking corpse. She heard about it enough from everyone else.

She pushed the heavy door open and began making her way back to the queue when a mess of bright orange pigtails and Mary Janes plowed into her.

"Alexis!" she heard a man's voice laugh. "You need to watch where you're going, kiddo."

"Sorry," the little girl mumbled, looking up at Kate.

"It's no problem. Are you hurt, Sweetie?" she asked, looking down at the tiny slip of a girl, who looked contrite.

"I'm okay, thank you," she replied just as a tall man stepped around the aisle.

"Sorry about that," he smiled, reaching down to haul the girl onto his hip. "She's hyper today."

"Oh, it's no…" Kate trailed off as she came face to face with Richard Castle. "Problem," she finished quietly.

"We just got back from California, and someone," he tickled the girl and she giggled, burying her head into his shoulder, "is a little wound up from the time change."

"And you gave me a cookie," she interjected.

"And that," he grinned, unapologetic. "You've been a very good girl while Daddy signs books. You deserved a reward."

"But now I'm fidgety," she mumbled, yawning.

"Not for long, looks like," Kate said. Had she just said something? Was Richard Castle really standing there holding his daughter, arguing about sugar rushes?

"Yeah, the crash is just around the corner." Richard Castle looked over toward the line. "And I've got at least another three hours of this."

Kate glanced back and chuckled as she spotted Madison chatting with a cute guy a few people behind them in line. Of course. "How long have you been at it?" she asked, turning back to him.

"Two hours," he replied. "This will sound more cocky than it is…"

"I was hoping to get a book signed, yeah," she cut him off, smiling as he gave her a sheepish grin.

He laughed. "Well, I've got a sharpie, let's get you done so you can go relieve your friend."

"My friend?"

"You guys are about thirty people back, right? The blond?"

"Uh yeah," Kate replied, baffled. That was…flattering—oddly flattering, though it shouldn't be.

He just smiled and turned to his daughter, who was slowly falling asleep on his shoulder. "Lex, can I put you down for a minute?"

She shook her head and burrowed further into his shoulder. He rubbed her back. "She's exhausted."

"Trip to California and back would make anyone tired," Kate replied. Was she really sharing small talk with Richard Castle about his kid?

"Do you have a book, or were you going to grab one from the table?" he asked.

Kate reached into her purse and pulled out her copy of _Storm__ Season_. "I brought one." Of course she had. She pretended that Madison had dragged her here, forced her to do this ridiculous thing, but she'd been so secretly excited.

He smiled. "Can you hold it? I don't wanna have to put her down."

"Sure. Thank you for this," she said as she opened to the front cover and held it out for him to sign.

"It's no problem at all," he replied, his pen poised over the page. "I completely forgot to ask. What's your name?"

"Kate Beckett," Kate replied easily. She watched as he inscribed the book with fluid strokes. Where was the star struck, wordless girl she thought she'd turn into with this guy? More importantly, where was the playboy author she'd been expecting to meet?

"That's a great name," he murmured as he wrote. "Good consonance."

"Thanks?" she asked as he capped his pen and she pulled the book against her chest with one hand.

"Oh, it's a compliment," he grinned.

"Daddy, I'm tired," the girl mumbled.

"I know, Sweetie. We'll be done in a while."

"Why couldn't Mommy come back with us?"

Kate watched Castle frown and rub his daughter's back. "Mommy had to stay in California to do her movie."

"With that guy?"

The frown was more pronounced now. "Yes. Alexis, how much time did you spend with 'that guy,' honey?"

"Mommy left me 'lone with him for a while. He's boring."

Castle scowled and then blinked, as if noticing that Kate was still there. "Sorry," he mumbled.

"No problem." The picture she put together wasn't pretty, and she was struck by the idea that anyone could want someon_else_ when they had this man. True, she didn't know him, but hell, he was Richard Castle. And since it didn't seem like he was the playboy they made him out to be, why would you give him up? How could you give up the little girl?

He glanced over at the line and Kate saw his guard spot him and begin waving him over, pointing to his watch. "Looks like I'm being summoned."

"Thank you for signing my book."

"Thanks for not yelling at my kid," he replied.

"Who could yell at someone that cute?" Kate smiled. She doubted she would have been able to yell after realizing Alexis was _his_ daughter. Granted, she doubted she could have yelled at that little smiling face anyway.

"She's hard to hate, I'll give you that," he laughed. "But I…we have to stop scheduling these things right after flights," he murmured, hitching Alexis up on his hip.

"Daddy?"

"Yes, honey?"

"I need to go to the bathroom."

He sighed quietly. "Alexis, why didn't you tell me before?"

"I didn't know I needed to," she replied, pulling back.

"Um, I'll get Paula to take you once I'm signing, okay?"

Alexis shook her head frantically. "Please don't."

His eyes widened and Kate suddenly felt like she was getting far too much of a glimpse into their lives. "Why?" Castle asked.

"She talks 'bout Mommy," the little girl whispered.

"Oh," he sighed and rubbed her back. "Lexi, I don't know who else…"

"I'll take her." Had she just said that? Oh, crap, she had, hadn't she?

He looked over at her. "Really?"

"I'm a cop," Kate stammered, flashing him the badge she always kept inside her jacket. "Gonna make Detective soon, actually, they say. So, you know, you can trust me? Wow," she laughed nervously. "That came out so differently than it did in my head." It hadn't actually come into her head to begin with. Her mouth had decided to make the offer before he brain could catch up, but he was smiling, so it seemed she wasn't making such a fool of herself after all.

He laughed heartily. "Okay, well, Officer, really? It would, God, that would be great."

"It's no problem."

"Alexis," he patted her back to get her to look up at him. "Can I send you to the bathroom with Kate?"

Alexis looked from him to Kate and back and then nodded. "Okay."

Castle placed her on the floor and Kate extended her hand easily to the little girl. She'd made the offer; the only thing left to do was follow through. And really, with that little hand laced between her fingers, how horrible could it be? "I'll bring her over to the table when we're done?"

He nodded and held up a hand toward the guard, who was now glaring at him. "Thank you so much."

Kate just smiled, Alexis' little hand warm in hers. "It's no trouble, honestly."

"Great. Okay." He knelt down to Alexis' eye level. "I'll be right at the table, okay?"

"Kay," she replied, swinging Kate's hand.

He stood and gave Kate a grateful smile. "Alright, well, see you in a few then."

"You got it. Come on, Alexis," she smiled, turning to look down at the little girl. "I was just in the bathroom. It's nice. You ready?"

"Yeah," she smiled up at her. "See you soon, Daddy."

They went their separate ways and Kate brought Alexis back and into the bathroom. The little girl floated along with her, light and easy, looking around at the high rows of books that extended beyond even Kate's head. "See, it's all empty too. You picked a good time," she said as they entered.

"Daddy doesn't think so," Alexis said quietly as she released Kate's hand and went into one of the stalls.

Kate stood on the other side, leaning against the wall. "You're Daddy's just busy, Sweetie. He's not mad." She couldn't explain the need to comfort this little girl, but then again, something had pulled in her gut, listening to Alexis talk about her mother, and the woman who apparently talked about her mother.

She heard Alexis give a noncommittal reply and then occupied herself with putting her book away while the little girl did her business. A minute later, Alexis reappeared and Kate led her over to the sink. "Can you reach?"

Alexis blushed. "Daddy usually lifts me."

Kate smiled and bent down, hoisting the little girl up and balancing her on her leg. "See? No problem." This seemed so easy. When was the last time she'd played with a little kid?

Alexis giggled and washed her hands. "I wanna be tall someday."

"You will be. I wasn't tall at your age either," Kate told her conspiratorially, watching as her face lit up.

"But you're so big!" Alexis replied, her eyes widening at the outburst.

Kate laughed and set her back down on the floor, reaching over to hand her some paper towels. "I'm wearing heels, see?" she replied, lifting a foot so Alexis could see her four-inch-pumps. "And I'm much older than you."

"How old are you?" Alexis asked, the picture of innocence.

"I'm just twenty-three," Kate replied. "And how old are you?"

"I'm seven," Alexis whispered. "Four days ago."

Kate smiled. "Is that why you were in California visiting your mom?" Was that too invasive?

Alexis nodded. "She and Daddy took me to the zoo."

"That sounds fun," Kate smiled as she took the girl's hand and led her out of the bathroom and down the aisle of children's books. "Did you have a good time?" she prompted, wanting to see the girl smile, since the mention of her mother seemed to have sucked the happiness off her face.

Alexis nodded but then looked up at Kate with a small frown. "They fought a lot."

Kate squeezed her hand. Apparently that had been the wrong question. "Sometimes parents do that," she offered, surprised by her own answer. It was honest, but not overly blunt, and she had to wonder what made her feel easy enough to talk like this with a girl she barely knew.

"I know," Alexis whispered. "They always do."

Kate looked down at the girl and felt her heart clench. This was by far the cutest child she'd met in a while, and she looked so forlorn. Kate wasn't that accustomed to children, but she did know that no seven-year-old should look that resigned.

"I'm sure everything will work out, Alexis," Kate told her as they made their way toward the table and the noisy line of excited women. They gave Kate curious glances as she passed with Alexis, and she was stuck between feeling a little smug and utterly bewildered by the attention.

"That's what Daddy says too," Alexis told her as she guided Kate around the back of the set up. "We go this way."

"Okay," Kate shrugged, letting Alexis steer her over to the table where Castle sat. He must have told the attendings about her, since no one seemed to find it odd that Richard Castle's daughter was dragging a strange woman up to his signing table. Kate certainly found it strange, and utterly surreal. Was she really standing _behind_ Richard Castle at a book signing?

"We're back, Daddy!" Alexis announced as she scrambled up onto a chair next to him.

"Hi, Sweetie," he greeted, leaning over so she could kiss his cheek as he signed a book for a very eager brunette, who was staring at Alexis like she was the plague. What was her problem? Alexis was adorable.

"Thanks," she muttered as he handed the book back.

Kate watched Castle shoot the woman a look before turning to…oh, crap, that was Madison.

"Kate?"

"Uh, hey, Maddy," Kate replied, shifting uneasily as Alexis looked between them.

"Is she your friend?" Alexis asked.

Kate nodded. She didn't have a good explanation for this one, and she basically felt the way Madison looked—shocked, mutedly delighted, and confused.

"Is she _your _friend?" Madison asked, eyes wide. "Oh, uh, hi, I'm Madison," she added, looking at Castle. "Um…"

"You're with Kate," he chuckled. "You're welcome to come back here, if you'd like."

"Um," Madison looked among them, thoroughly confused. "Actually, Kate, I need to go. I've got to get to work, but, uh…you have a good time. And _call__ me_ later."

Kate nodded and watched as Madison turned and left. She'd be getting the third degree later, and probably the fourth and fifth as well. Alexis looked up at her. "She didn't get a book signed."

"I don't think Madison was here to get a book signed," Castle offered as he took a book from another young woman. "What's your name?" he asked kindly.

The woman looked close to fainting. Would that have been Kate, if the cute little girl next to her hadn't run into her legs?

"I'm Stacey."

"Well, Stacey, thank you for coming," he said, flashing his thousand-watt smile that reached up and crinkled his brilliantly blue eyes. In all fairness, it was enough to make just about anyone swoon.

"I just absolutely love you books," she said breathily. Swooning or not, Kate wouldn't have been like _that_. "And you know, you're even more handsome in person than you are on your book jacket."

Kate felt a hand tugging on her jacket and she looked down at Alexis, who was gesturing for her to come closer. Kate leaned down so that her ear was by Alexis' lips.

"They do that a lot," she whispered.

"Do what?" Kate asked, glancing back at the over-eager attendee, who was watching him like he was about to surge over the table to kiss her. He wasn't.

"Say Daddy's handsome."

Kate giggled and knelt down so that she was squatting partially behind the table. That way the nice young co-eds wouldn't notice Alexis bad-mouthing them. She had to agree though. "Well, your Daddy is handsome," Kate told the little girl honestly.

"Well, duh!" Alexis replied. "But, why do they tell him that? They're here to get his book signed."

Kate found herself baffled. This little girl was obviously perceptive enough to understand that Castle's books and his person were separate entities. She might even be ahead of Kate on that one, since she'd basically thought of them as one in the same until about ten minutes ago. But still, what did you say to that? "Sometimes people are inappropriate," she decided after a pause. Her mother…her mother had always told her that the truth couldn't hurt you.

"Yeah," Alexis nodded, pulling Kate out of the sudden spiral, filled with dim memories of her own life lessons. "I don't like it."

"That's okay, Alexis," Kate said, patting her knee. "You don't have to."

"I don't usually come to these," she explained, glancing over at her father, who was studiously signing books and flashing smiles. "But Grandma was busy."

"Do you normally have stuff to do, when you do come?" Kate asked, looking around. Most people seemed oblivious to the fact that Alexis was even there. It had to be rather dull for a little kid.

"Coloring books and stories," Alexis replied. "But Paula left the bag in the car," she continued, wrinkling her nose.

"Well, this store is full of stories," Kate replied. Wait, was she seriously considering giving up more of her only day off to take this little girl to the kid's section? She didn't even know these people.

But then Alexis' eyes lit up. "Would you take me?"

Castle turned, obviously not as tuned in to his signing as Kate had thought. "Alexis, what are you asking Kate?"

"She said she'd take me to look at books," Alexis replied.

Kate hadn't, but she'd been about to, hadn't she?

"Alexis, you can't expect Kate to just spend the day with you," he said kindly.

Alexis' smile fell but she nodded. "Never mind. Sorry Daddy."

"Don't be sorry, Sweetie," he replied, running a hand through her hair and looking at her sadly for a second before a woman with black, tightly pulled hair tapped him on the shoulder.

"Cute as your kid is, Rick," she whispered, quietly enough for the rest of the queue, which had been held back, to miss, but not Kate. "These people are not here to see you playing Daddy." Wow. That was harsh.

"Paula," Castle replied tersely. "You scheduled this an hour after our flight back. I had to bring her, and if you're going to talk about my daughter, do it somewhere where she can't hear you," he hissed.

"Why don't I take Alexis to look at books for a while, and you come find us when you're done?" Kate suggested, her voice bubbling up before she could stop it. She just didn't want to watch Alexis curl further into the chair. It hurt, and she'd never met the girl before. How could someone be that callous around a little kid—especially such a cute, well behaved little girl?

Castle whipped around. "Kate, I don't even…you just met us. I can't ask that of you."

"You're considering allowing a stranger to look after Alexis? I'm not even allowed to look after Alexis," the woman added.

"Kate's a Police Officer," Alexis interjected.

Kate nodded and stood, surreptitiously opening her jacket so that the woman could see her badge, but the queue couldn't. "I'm happy to. I've got the day off." She didn't like this woman, and that was totally irrational, but here they were, and she was in a position to help Alexis. She didn't have anywhere else to be.

"Which is probably your only day off," Castle added. "Honestly, Kate, this is very nice of you, but…"

"No buts," she stopped him. "We'll be in the kid's section. Come find us on your next break." She extended her hand to Alexis and the girl jumped up, taking it eagerly.

"Can I, Daddy?"

Castle looked torn but eventually nodded. "Okay. Have fun, Pumpkin. And come get me if anything goes wrong," he added, looking at Kate.

"It's not a problem, Mr. Castle," she smiled. "Your daughter's fun. I could use some fun." Oh, and more honesty. Had the switch that kept her clammed up just miraculously shut off?

"It's Rick. And thank you so much, Kate. Truly."

She just smiled. _Rick_. "Come on, Alexis. Let's go find something to read."

She guided the little girl back out of the signing area and over toward the children's section, smiling as Alexis swung their hands back and forth. There was something oddly comforting about the gesture, and Kate found that the little feeling of anxiety she'd been holding onto since entering the store was fading.

"Thank you," the little girl said quietly as they reached the colorful entrance to the children's section, with its light, welcoming wooden floors and lower bookshelves. Kate had always thought that Barnes and Noble did a great job of making books inviting for little kids, and now, here with one herself, she found that she too felt invited to search for the perfect story.

"It's no problem, Alexis. Like I said; you're fun," she told the little girl, looking down at her with a small smile.

Alexis grinned up at her. "I think you're fun too."

Kate squeezed her hand. "Let's find you a book."

Alexis jumped once and then pulled her into the kid's section, chattering excitedly, her earlier exhaustion forgotten. Kate felt lighter, younger. This entire encounter was surreal, and her behavior certainly fit into that description. But the little girl eagerly perusing the shelves and tugging her around was cute and lively and _innocent_. And after chasing thieves and criminals all week, there was something oddly comforting about being the coolest new person to a tiny little girl.

Alexis settled on a Shel Silverstein collection and picked the book up. "Can we read this?" she asked.

"Sure," Kate smiled. "Where do you want to sit?"

"The beanbags are my favorite," she said shyly.

Kate grinned. "Mine too."

Alexis smiled and together they found a big beanbag at the back of the section. Kate sat down and Alexis happily plopped down in the vee of her legs, leaning back against her, completely trusting. Kate opened the book and held it in front of both of them.

"Would you read to me?" Alexis asked quietly, timidly.

"Of course," Kate smiled, feeling Alexis relax at her answer. "These are meant to be read out loud. You can help."

Alexis nodded and they read story after story, Kate delighting in the giggles and commentary from the child in her lap. She was excited and entertaining, keeping up with Kate as they turned page after page. She'd loved these as a child, and there was something so very…lovely about rediscovering them today, here, with this little girl trusting her to keep her safe and happy for the afternoon.

Eventually, Alexis' interjections came more slowly, and then she fell asleep, her head lolling back against Kate's chest. Kate looked down at the orange head and sighed, leaning back into the beanbag. She was sitting in a Barnes and Noble with Richard Castle's daughter asleep against her chest.

She absent-mindedly ran a hand through the girl's hair and stared out at the rows of books that surrounded them. Had she and her mother done this when she was little? They'd often gone to the library; she remembered that. But had she ever fallen asleep at a store? She'd certainly never done it with someone she barely knew, but, then again, she had happily married parents who weren't famous authors.

Kate looked down at Alexis. She was young and carefree and innocent, everything Kate no longer felt. She could barely walk down the street without feeling like she was being followed, even three years into the force. But this little girl had spent ten minutes with her and deemed her safe. Her father had too, though, that was probably the badge. She'd have to talk to him about not always believing people with badges.

Alexis shifted on her lap and one of her hands bunched into Kate's jeans. Kate smiled and rocked a bit from side to side. She'd worry about that in a few hours, when Castle—_Rick_—was done signing books. For now, she'd just enjoy this little time with this little girl. For whatever happened later, she'd found some sort of solace with Alexis, a solace she wasn't aware she'd been missing.

Her cell pinged and she shifted to fish it out of her bag. She glanced at the screen and found a message from Madison.

_Okay, what the hell was that?_

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><p><strong>Author's Note: So, I'm going by the idea that as of Season Two, we're 10 years out of Johanna's murder. So, by that logic, Alexis was five when she died.<strong>

**For those of you who are re-reading, I've decided to update the first five chapters of the story, because I made a stylistic choice in chapter 6, and I want to make the feel more cohesive. I hope you like the changes. **

**For those of you who are new to OFI, welcome! I've loved writing this story, and I hope you enjoy it. **

**Emma**


	2. Chapter 2

**Title: Of Finding Innocence**

**Disclaimer: If you're writing AU, chances are, they're not yours.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: I know I've messed with the timeline a _little._ That way, Kate's through training, and school, and officially out on the force. She should also have already met Montgomery down in the stacks. When I originally started watching the show, I thought Kate was in her early thirties, rather than just turning 30. I want to be as true to the vision of the show as possible, but I'm fudging the age, and as I'm re-editing these first few chapters, I'm going to stick with my original decision to make her a bit older than she 'realistically' would be.**

**Thank you for your overwhelming support, comments and positive reviews. I'm floored that so many people are on board with this idea, and I can't wait to see what you think of this next chapter. I'm having a lot of fun with this, and I hope you'll stick with me.**

**Emma**

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><p><strong>Chapter 2:<strong>

Kate sighed. Madison was going to have a field day with this.

_Met them outside the bathrooms. Long story. Call you later._

She clumsily typed out the message, still not really used to finding words with the keys, and hit send. Then she settled back, easing the book out of Alexis' hands. She placed it on a nearby shelf and then slid her phone back into her bag. Madison would be insufferable, and Will…Oh, wow, how was she going to explain this to Will? He already harped on her enough about reading the books as it was. And he'd been teasing her mercilessly for days about wanting to come to the signing.

In fact, in retrospect, he'd been distancing himself for a while now. Kate was training to become a Detective someday; she picked up on these things. Royce had always told her that she was the best at details he'd ever trained. She toyed with one of her cuticles. Royce. She shook her head. Royce went in the box with her Mother—the box of things she tried not to think about.

A shadow fell over them and Kate looked up to find Rick standing there smiling at them, looking tired but strangely pleased by the vision in front of him. And didn't that do odd things to Kate's stomach?

"Finally pooped out, huh?"

"Yeah. We got through about half of _Where__ the __Sidewalk __Ends_ before she nodded off," Kate chuckled, shifting a little so that she could talk with him without upsetting Alexis.

He sat down and leaned against the shelves, running a hand through his hair. "Thank you so much for this," he said quietly.

"Honestly, it's no trouble. She's great, C-Rick," she stumbled on the name and he grinned. But really, what did he expect? He was her _favorite_ author; granted, he never needed to know that.

"Not the book signing you were expecting, I assume?" he asked.

She shook her head. Not in the slightest. "Not really, no. But, well, it's been a good day off."

"You're an Officer?"

"Training for Detective, actually," she corrected with a little pride.

"That's incredible. You're young for that, aren't you? Like, really, really young?"

She blushed. She was. But Roy Montgomery had seen something in her and offered her the position last week. It would be a good two years before she officially moved up, but everyone was already talking about it in Homicide—the kid who was going to knock their socks off. She hoped she could live up to the hype.

"Yeah, I'm young for it, but the Captain thinks I'll be good at it," she shrugged, now a little embarrassed to have told him and find him looking at her with such curiosity.

"I can see you being a Detective," he said, considering her. "You'd probably do well in interrogation too."

"You're getting that from the picture of me holding your kid? Man, you authors are strange."

He laughed. He had a great laugh. "Touché. Speaking of the kid, are you…God, I don't want to ask you to…"

"I can hang here for a while," she cut him off. She was comfortable and relaxed, and it was more than she'd been able to find in weeks of forcing herself to take walks and as many naps as possible. "I've got your book. I'd be doing the same at home, just without the heated blanket."

He gave her a half-hearted smile. "I didn't want to bring her to this."

"Sounds like you didn't have much of a choice. Alexis says Grandma was busy?" What was it about these two that made her want to ask questions? She never engaged unless she had to; normally she wasn't a chatty person, but she just felt at ease with him. Why?

"Mother's an actress and she's in a matinee right now."

"Martha Rodgers, right?"

He met her eyes. "Right."

"She's gotten good reviews for this one." She and her father used to keep track of theatre together, and he'd always admired Martha Rodgers' work. But now…no, today wasn't the day to think about that.

He smiled. "Yeah. She's doing well."

"That's good," she said softly.

"Yeah." They fell silent and he glanced at his watch. "Five more minutes."

"You look exhausted," she observed, though what possessed her to voice the matter was beyond her.

"Ha, thanks," he laughed. "Good to know that I look presentable today."

She shook her head. "No, not like, bad exhausted, just…without the smile and the flair, you look like a Dad who just hauled his little kid across the country, and spent half of his time working while they were there." Because _that_ wasn't inappropriate at all.

"Detective, huh?" he asked with a small smile, unperturbed. "But yeah, I'm wiped. I just want to go home, get some food into her and go to sleep forever."

"Do you have more of these to do this week?"

"Four," he sighed. "All the big stores across the city."

"You know, for all I've read about you, you don't seem that excited by it." The parties, the glamour—Richard Castle was a new bachelor on the prowl, apparently. But this man looked nothing like the glamorous stud the Ledger liked to feature. He just looked like _Rick_, a guy with a daughter and a lot on his hands.

He looked at Alexis. "We've had a rough few months," he said quietly.

Kate nodded understandingly. But this time, she wouldn't pry. No matter how comfortable she felt with him in this moment, you didn't just ask someone about his divorce or messy legal proceedings. "You should probably get back," she said a few minutes later, glancing at his watch.

He bobbed his head. "Thank you so much, you have no idea how helpful this is."

Kate just smiled. "It's no trouble. Come back when you're done."

"Only about 45 more minutes, I promise," he said, and she could see him putting that mask of bravado back on. Intriguing. Shd probably shouldn't think that.

"I'm set. Go, sign."

He squeezed her foot and then stood, ran his hands over his suit jacket, and strode confidently out of the section. Kate watched him go, completely unsure of what to think. Here was this man, made out to be the playboy of murder mystery novelists, and he was just a normal guy with a kid, trying to be a good single parent. Her foot was warm where his fingers had pressed against her lower ankle and she felt a small smile curl across her lips. He wasn't a playboy, or at least he wasn't an asshole, but he was something—something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

Kate shrugged and pulled out _Storm__ Season_, flipping to the back of the front cover to read his inscription:

_To Kate,_

_Smile. The world should get to see it. And laugh. You have a great one._

_Rick._

She grinned and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth, her cheeks hot. Well, this would be a book she saved forever. Alexis shifted on her lap and sighed, turning her head. Kate smiled and turned the page, allowing herself to fall into the story again. They'd pulled her back out three years ago, when things had been so dark that she thought she'd never see light again. These murders, that ended, and made sense, and got justice—they helped her hope.

And now, soon, she'd be in a position to help other people hope. And she had her favorite author's daughter asleep on her lap. Life was _strange_. She shook her head and lost herself in Derrick's latest adventure and didn't even notice time passing until the shadow fell over them again. She blinked and looked up into the face of Richard Castle.

"Hey," she murmured, folding the cover into her book and then shoving it hastily into her bag.

"Hey," he replied, smiling. "I can take her."

"You should probably wake her so she can use the bathroom again," Kate suggested as he crouched down. "It'll take forever to get back home in this traffic." She wasn't looking forward to that. One of the best parts about being an officer was getting to throw the gumball, and she didn't care how childish that made her. But she couldn't do that for no reason; she had morals.

He nodded. "You're right. Hey, Lex," he said softly, running a hand over the girl's cheek. "Alexis, Honey, wake up."

"Daddy?"

"Hey sleepyhead," he grinned as she blinked and rubbed at her eyes.

"Kate and I were reading a story," she told him, her voice hazy with sleep.

"So I saw. You ready to go home?"

"I need to go to the bathroom again," she murmured.

"Told you," Kate grinned.

Rick laughed. "Yes, you're brilliant. Come on, Sweetie," he stood and extended his hands to her, pulling her up as Kate supported her back until she was standing.

Kate stood as well and gathered her bag, following them out of the children's section. They were right next to the bathrooms and she watched as Rick patted Alexis' bum and sent her in.

"I'm right out here. You call if _anything_ is wrong."

"Yes, Daddy," Alexis expelled on a sigh.

She entered the bathroom and he turned back to Kate. "She doesn't like to let me take her into the men's room anymore."

"Ah, that lovely age of independence, huh? How does she wash her hands alone?" Kate tried to picture it and failed. How had she done it when she was little?

His eyes widened. "She must hop onto the counter." Just like that. And she'd loved doing it too.

"Want me to go in and check?" she asked, because though Kate remembered quite enjoying the struggle for hand-washing-independence, Rick didn't look all that happy with the idea.

He sighed. "No, no. Gotta let her spread those wings, right?"

"She'll be fine."

He nodded. "Rarely gives me any trouble at all."

"She's delightful, Rick," she told him, shifting a bit on her feet as he smiled at her, a different smile this time. Instead of the mega-watt smile he saved for his fans, this one was subdued, yet grateful, and she just didn't know what to make of it, especially since she had a boyfriend and those butterflies had no business fluttering all over her stomach.

"Thank you. She looks happier, and, I mean, we don't really know you, but I just…this week's been hard in particular, and it's great to see her smiling."

Kate reached out and squeezed his arm. She what? "It'll be alright."

He sighed and caught her hand as she let it fall. "Thanks."

They stood there for a long moment, staring at each other. Kate couldn't have said exactly what was happening, but it was something. His hand was large, warm, inviting. He held hers familiarly, yet not romantically. It was just…two friends? Were they even that? Acquaintances who looked after each other's, well, his child? Alexis popped out of the bathroom, stalling her string of confusing questions.

"Done, Daddy," she chirped.

"Great, Pumpkin," Rick said, dropping Kate's hand to squat down. "Onto my back, monkey."

Alexis giggled and climbed up, laughing as Rick groaned and stood. "I'm not heavy, Daddy."

"Says you," he huffed dramatically. "Ready to go home?"

"Is Kate coming?"

Kate felt her eyes widen as Rick's surprised ones met hers. "I, ah, don't know, Sweetheart."

She had plans with Will tonight. "I can't, Alexis. But thank you," she smiled. Was that disappointment in her stomach? Over what? Over not getting to follow the cute little girl home and keep talking with her baffling father?

"Well, okay. But soon?"

Kate looked from Alexis, who looked expectant, to Rick, who looked bemused. "I…"

"Here," he fished for something in his pocket and pulled out two cards and a sharpie. "Write your number down and take mine?"

From getting his signature to getting his personal number—this day had spun in such a different direction than she'd thought it would. She took the extended items and jotted down her number, handing that and the pen back while she pocketed his. "There you go." Holy crap.

"So now we can invite you over for dinner?" Alexis asked happily.

She had Richard Castle's personal number, and his daughter wanted her over for dinner. And she _wanted_ to go. "Yes," Kate nodded, surprising herself. "I'd like that, Alexis." She actually would. A voice that sounded suspiciously like Madison was peeling with girlish giggles in the back of her head.

"We'll have to make sure it happens then," Rick smiled. "I'm…huh," his smile fell. "I'm out every night this week, for signings and press galas."

"Does that mean you won't be there to tuck me in?" Alexis asked, her voice falling along with her smile.

"Oh, Pumpkin," Rick sighed. "Just for a few nights this week. But next week, I'm all yours."

"Okay, Daddy."

Kate gave them a smile and then jumped as her cell rang. "Sorry," she murmured, digging it out of her bag. "Hello?"

"Kate, babe! Where are you?"

Right. Will. Her boyfriend. She should get home to him. "I'm still at the book store. I'll be back soon, okay?"

There was a sigh from the other end of the line. "Fine. Better have been some signing."

"Oh, you have no idea," she chuckled. "I'll be there in a few." She hung up and looked up to meet their eyes. "Sorry."

"No worries," Rick smiled. "So, maybe some time next week?"

"That sounds lovely," she replied as they mutually began to walk toward the front of the store.

"Do you have nights that are better than others?"

Kate shrugged. "Gimme a call with nights that work for you, and I'll see what I can do." He had the kid, and she worked too much as it was; at least, everyone else thought so.

"All the way next week?" Alexis asked petulantly as they hovered at the front door.

"Sorry, Lex," her father replied. "But it's not that far away."

"S'forever," she sighed. "But you promise you'll come see me next week?"

Kate nodded. This was a child she wouldn't disappoint. She couldn't bear to. How could you walk away from that face? "I promise, Alexis."

"It was lovely to meet you, Kate Beckett," Rick said, extending a hand. She took it and they shook, their hands remaining linked for longer than was probably socially acceptable. "But, I see our car is out there, Alexis."

"Bye Kate!" the girl grinned at her. "It was really nice to meet you."

"It was great to meet you too, Alexis," Kate grinned back.

"Likewise," Rick added.

"See you soon," she smiled. And then they were jetting out into the rain. It was raining?

She watched as they ducked into the car, Alexis' little face peeking out of the window to wave at her as the car drove away. She let out a breath. His book was heavy in her purse and his card poked against her thigh in her pocket. Had she really just spent the day with Alexis Castle in her lap? She had.

She left the store and waited under the awning, grinning as she flagged down a cab. She gave her address and sat in the back seat, just watching the city go by, feeling carefree. She felt _happy_ for the first time in a while. The pang of remorse that always seemed to want to put a damper on her happiness, or laughter, never came. Instead, she merely felt light and expectant. It was strange.

They arrived at her building and she paid the cabbie before sprinting up the steps. She nodded to the doorman as she entered and then hopped into the elevator, brushing water out of her hair. It was getting long. Perhaps she should cut it? She came to her door and unlocked it, smiling at the smell of fresh Chinese food that filled the apartment.

"Hey," she called, hanging up her jacket.

"Hey back," Will greeted, coming up to her, spatula in hand. "I'm reheating some of the noodles and making my sauce."

"Mmm," she replied as he leaned in for a kiss. "Smells great."

"Nothing special," he shrugged, his face split in a lazy smile. She liked him like this, comfortable in her kitchen.

"Still," she followed him to the living room and paused to pull out _Storm __Season_. She fingered the cover. What a day.

"Got that signed, I take it?" Will asked, watching as Kate placed it carefully back onto her bookshelf.

"Yeah," she replied as she ran a hand down the spine. She'd gotten it signed, and made a little friend and met a guy who calmed her down—who calmed down the rattle in her head.

"You were there for a long time. What kept you? Don't tell me you were on line for over four hours." Will's voice broke her out of her thoughts. He calmed her down too, but in a different way. His smile was teasing and she shook her head; he calmed her down by making her tingle with his looks and with his lips.

Kate just rolled her eyes in response and went to the bulletin board near the kitchen, refusing to be goaded. She took out Rick's card and tacked it up. "I met him, actually."

"You mean, you got your book signed?" Will asked as he turned back to the sauce on the stove, throwing an inquisitive glance at the card on the board.

"No, I bumped into him and his daughter when I came back from the bathrooms. Actually, she bumped into me," Kate recounted as she got down plates and began opening the take-out containers.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," she parroted, laughing at his incredulous look.

"So, you met his kid, and then you, what? Browsed?"

"No, I, heh, this is the funny part. I kind of ending up watching her for the afternoon?" Right, she'd forgotten about how awkward explaining this was going to be.

Will turned and poured the sauce into a bowl, flipped the burner off and then joined her at the table. "You what?"

"She needed to use the bathroom, and he had to go back to signing, so I took her, you know? To be nice. And then, well, he and his…Paula? I don't really know what she does. But anyway, they were getting into an argument over her and she looked so sad, and I had the day off…so, long story short, she fell asleep on me on a beanbag and I stayed until the signing was over."

Yeah, the babbling explanation wasn't going to win her any points. Did she need to win points? How weird was it, really? Kate busied herself with pouring fried rice onto her plate while Will thought it all over. Hearing herself describe it, it really was as strange as she thought it had been.

"Lemme get this straight," Will said, looking at her over his beer. "You spent the day with a little girl you've never met before? And she just happens to be the daughter of an author I should probably be jealous of?"

"Will," Kate laughed.

"Oh, come on. You practically sleep with his books more than you sleep with me."

"Now, that's unfair," she giggled. "You're here less than they are!"

He laughed. "But really, Kate. Was that his card you hung up?"

She nodded, suddenly shy. "They invited me over for dinner sometime next week."

He looked confused. "What?"

"That one's not hard, Mr. FBI," she teased.

"You're going over there for dinner?"

"Yeah, so?" she asked, popping the second half of an egg roll into her mouth. "Alexis invited me." There was nothing to feel weird about, she decided. It was an innocent invitation to hang out with a little kid. And though Rick was handsome and some kind of charming, she had Will, and she loved Will. And cheating, even having feelings for someone else, wasn't what she wanted to do.

"Alexis is the kid?"

"Yeah."

"I don't…I'm trying to wrap my head around you getting so attached to a little girl, in less than a day, that you're willing to go over to some guy's house."

Kate rolled her eyes. "He's not _some__ guy_, Will. He's Richard Castle, and his daughter is about the cutest thing on the planet." Of all of the things to focus on…

"Kate, you don't even walk down the street with your eyes forward."

Kate bristled. It was the truth but…did he have to bring that up, now? "Will, come on. This isn't the same."

"I know that. I'm just surprised that you do."

"Will," she sighed, now tired and drained, as she always was when they tiptoed around her issues. He'd tried being direct in the beginning, but then they'd developed this little dance, and something about it always exhausted her.

"Really, Kate. You know what?" he took a swig and gave her a smile. "I think it's good."

"What?" That was a switch.

"You look better, you know?"

"Will, the mood swings? Not funny."

He laughed and she scowled at him. "No mood swings, just…you look better today, Kate. Maybe the kid's good for you."

She simply nodded and went back to her food, too baffled by the day and his behavior to bother fighting about it. _He'd_ been off all week too. Come to think of it… "Hey, Will?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are we eating here?"

"Hmm?"

"Why are we eating here, instead of out? I thought you wanted to go out." She looked up and met his eyes. Oh. Oh no. She knew that look and she didn't want to see it, because it couldn't bode well and she _liked_ them together.

"Kate, I got the offer today."

"You did," she said tonelessly.

"Yeah. Come on. Boston would be wonderful, you know that."

"Will…"

He put down his fork. "You'd be great in Boston, Kate. And who knows, maybe they'd let you move up to Detective there too."

"Will." He knew. He knew that if he took it, she'd say no. He knew that. And here they were, right where she knew they'd end up. But she'd hoped so much, selfishly even, that it wouldn't come to this.

"Please? I know you said you'd think on it. Tell me you have?" he begged, his eyes wide, searching hers.

Kate nodded slowly. But she'd known her decision since the first time he'd brought it up. "I have thought about it."

"And?"

She shook her head. "No, Will. I don't…I have my life here. And I just got into the 12th. I like it there. I like Montgomery. And I still…Will, I can't." And her mother. And her father. And the mess that was her life. She couldn't up and walk away. She just couldn't.

"Kate," he implored, standing to move around the table to her. "Please? I don't…I have to do this for my career."

"I thought you liked the job you had now?" Kate murmured. "I thought you liked your partner and the scene in New York. Why do you need to change?" Stupid, futile, selfish reasons—that's all she had.

"This is an amazing opportunity, Kate."

"I know," she sighed.

"And it would be huge for my career."

"I know," she nodded, even as his hands came to cup her cheeks. "I know it is."

"So I have to go. But Katie, you could come with me."

"I can't." And it broke her heart, and his too, judging by his tone. But they'd known she'd never say yes. She'd hoped that it would hurt less, knowing. It didn't. It still stung right across her heart.

"Please, Kate?" he whispered.

She took a deep breath and met his eyes—eyes that had been her refuge for six short months. "No."

His hands dropped and he stood there, his knees against her thigh, head bowed. "So this is it?"

"We could try long distance," Kate whispered.

"And hate each other more for it?"

"You're right." She raked her eyes over his face, his chest, his legs. This was the man she'd loved more than anyone she'd ever met before. And they were so good together. He was warm and strong and knew when to push and when to let go. And they weren't perfect, and they didn't always get time together, but he'd been there, and she knew she'd miss him, ache for him, when he was gone.

"I don't want this to be over, Kate."

"Neither do I," she laid her hand on his knee. "Neither do I."

"So then?"

"I can't leave, Will. And I can't ask you to stay for me."

He found her hands and pulled her to stand so that he could crush her to him. "I love you," he whispered.

"Love you too," she mumbled into his shoulder, breathing him in.

"I'm going to miss you so much."

"I know."

"Kate, I…" he pulled back. "I don't…you have to know that I don't want to go, to leave you."

"Will," she smiled and ran a hand over his stubble. "You want this more than anything. More than me. That's okay. I get it. I wish you'd really asked me about it, rather than just telling me you were leaving. But, it's what it is." His eyes broke a little more and she reached up on her toes to brush a gentle kiss against his lips. She wouldn't begrudge him it; she'd do the same if it were here career on the line.

"Kate," he breathed as she pulled away. The ache in his voice was too much.

"When do you leave?" she asked.

"A week."

She took a deep breath and blew it out slowly, stalling the tears that she could feel pricking at her eyes. "Have a great trip. Write me?" she asked, trying to smile, because she didn't want to make it hurt more.

"So that's it?" he looked defeated.

"Will, I…I can't do a long week. I can't do the never-ending goodbye. Let's just make it clean, okay?" she murmured.

He nodded and leaned down to kiss her, pulling her flush against him, wrapping his arms around her. Kate felt the sadness and regret in the kiss and she fisted her hands into the back of his shirt. When they broke apart for air, he pressed his forehead to hers.

"You're amazing, Katherine Beckett."

"Back at you, Sorenson." They smiled sadly at each other. They'd been friends above it all, really—two people who understood the service life and enjoyed each other after hours.

"We'll keep in touch?"

"Up to you. I'll be here," Kate said softly. And yes, she heard the subtle sting there, but he was leaving her, and for all that she wanted to be okay with it, it still burned.

"Kate."

"No, Will. I'm not…I'm not mad." Was that a lie?

"Promise?"

No. "Yes."

He took a deep breath. "I should…I should go. You wanna send my stuff?"

"Yeah," she nodded as he took a step back and fished around in his pocket. He took out his key ring and they watched as his fingers removed the key. She extended her hand and he gave it to her. It felt heavy in her palm. She'd thought, foolishly, that maybe he'd keep it forever.

"I'll see you around?"

"I'll be here," she whispered, feeling the sting behind her eyes growing stronger.

He grabbed his jacket and walked to the door. "Bye, Kate."

"Bye, Will."

He left. The door closed and she stared at it, standing alone in her kitchen.


	3. Chapter 3

**Title: Of Finding Innocence**

**Disclaimer: Oh how I wish...**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: You guys rock. Honestly, you just do. You're the best readers ever. I'm thoroughly enjoying writing this story, and I'm so glad that you're enjoying the read. So, in that vein, here's the next chapter. Hope you like it.**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 3:<strong>

"No, Madison, I'm sorry."

"Sorry! Sorry! Kate, you left me alone for like thirty minutes and then I find you behind the table making nice with his _kid_? Fill in the blanks. I don't care that you didn't call, just, God, Becks, fill me in!"

Kate collapsed onto the couch and pulled a pillow to her chest. She'd stood in the kitchen for a long time after Will had left, and then, only when she noticed her cell vibrating, did she move. She'd had ten messages from Madison. So she bit the bullet and called her back. Now her ears were regretting it and so was her fragile emotional state. She was good with disappointment; after losing her mother, other things didn't seem quite so bad. But he'd meant a lot to her.

"Okay, um," she ran a hand over her face. The day was blurry now. "Alexis, the kid, ran into me as I was coming out of the bathrooms. And then Rick was just kind of, there, and we chatted for a while."

"Wait, _Rick_?"

Kate blushed. Right, about that. "That's, uh, later in the story, but we're…yeah, we're on a first name basis."

"So many, many questions!"

Kate rolled her eyes. "Do you want to ask them now, or get the full story first?"

"Full story. Continue, please."

"Okay, so, we're chatting and the guard at the queue is frowning at him and pointing to his watch when Alexis says she needs to use the bathroom."

"Good timing, kid."

"Hey," Kate laughed. "She's only seven. And only just."

"How attached are you to this kid?"

Kate blushed, but Madison couldn't see that. Kate didn't really have an answer for her either. She'd never been that instantly comfortable with anyone. "Anyway, I kind of offered to take her to the bathroom, so he could get back."

"And he let you?"

"Badge helps, though, we'll have to talk about that." She bit her lip. He probably wasn't always that trusting; he seemed like a good dad. But, now that she thought about it, who just sent his kid into the bathroom with a woman he didn't know? Then again…

"Okay, paranoid Polly. More safety later, more talky now," Madison's voice interrupted her thoughts.

Kate laughed. "So, you know, Alexis and I chatted. She likes my shoes, wants to be my height. Then we went back to the table and she brought me through to the other side and that's about when you showed up."

"Wow, Becks. You just had, like, the dream day. Did you get your book signed?"

"Oh, yeah. He did that before I took her to the bathroom." And he'd smiled at her and written the nicest message.

"Nice of him."

Kate smiled. "Said it was the least I could do for not yelling at his daughter."

"Sounds like you like him, and the kid."

"The kid is adorable and Rick is…he's interesting." She wasn't with Will anymore. He could be interesting now. He could be attractive and captivating now. But she wasn't ready for that yet. Hell, she wasn't really even ready to cry about the fact that she was alone again.

"So, after you brought her back, what did you go do that kept you from texting me for an hour?" Madison's tone was accusatory, but Kate could hear the actual wonder in her voice as well.

"Well, Paula…his…I don't know what she does. But this woman with a nasal accent starts ripping into him for bringing Alexis to the signing she scheduled right after their flight back from California. And Alexis is kind of sinking down in her chair, looking small and hurt and I…"

"Becks, what did you do?"

"I offered to go read with her for the last three hours of the signing?" she said meekly. And three, two, one…

"You did what?" Kate had to pull the phone away from her ear.

"Madison," she grumbled. "A little respect for my ears, please."

"I'm sorry. What? You did what?" she shrilled into the phone, quieter, but with no less enthusiasm than she'd demonstrated when Kate had gotten her first kiss back in ninth grade.

"I went and read with a sad little girl who'd just come back from California where they'd had a tense visit, from what I can gather, with her mother, who is no longer married to her dad," she said evenly. She'd done a good thing, and it had been good for her.

"Katie, seriously?"

"It was no trouble. I had…it was fun, Maddy. She's really cute and I…I felt happy? I can't really explain."

She heard Madison shuffling around on the other end, squishing comfortably into her leather sofa. "Okay. So, you read with the kid…for three hours? Really?"

"Well, she fell asleep after the first one; that's when I texted you," she recounted.

"So you sat with a kid on your lap for two hours?"

"I chatted with Rick for a little bit, on one of his breaks, and then I read."

"Comfy in the kid's section, huh?"

Kate just shook her head. "It was nice. Don't knock it." She didn't want to be teased about that afternoon. Breaking up with Will certainly put a damper on the easy happiness she'd felt on leaving the bookstore, but it was there somewhere, and she didn't want to sully the memory of it.

"Not knocking anything at all, Becks." She could practically hear the grin in Maddy's voice. "So, how did this all end? You had to give her up sometime, unless you took her, which I doubt, since you're so justice oriented."

Kate laughed. "I gave her back, thanks. She used the bathroom and Rick and I chatted and then, um…he gave me his card and I gave him my number. We're gonna have dinner next week." She didn't think Madison's voice could be louder than it was.

"You're going on a date with Richard Castle?" She pulled the phone away again. She was wrong.

"Madison, the volume! Come on."

"Sorry. But seriously?"

"I'm not going on a _date,_Madison. I'm going over to have dinner with _them_—him and the adorable little girl I spent the day with." It was just an innocent dinner. It wasn't a date. There was nothing sordid about it. And if she just kept telling herself that, she'd be fine. At this point, her emotions didn't even know what they were doing anyway, and the stability of having a safe, platonic dinner was oddly comforting.

"Oh, so you're going to play house, then."

"Madison," she admonished.

"How's Will taking this?"

Kate felt her smile melt away. And now she was leaning further from excited and closer to depressed. "Doesn't really matter," she said softly.

"Oh, Kate. Did he?"

"He got the offer."

"And he's going."

Kate nodded and let out a shallow breath. "He's going."

"And you're not."

"No," she whispered. She didn't want to cry over him. They'd been great together, and she should be happy with that. Crying wouldn't make him come back, and it would just make her more upset. Then again, her therapist had harped on her about holding things in—said she would get an ulcer. But she was fine. She'd even eaten dinner tonight.

"Are you okay?" Madison asked a minute later, her voice soft and concerned.

"No, but…I will be. I'll get through it." She always did.

"Do you want me to come over? Bring some booze? Make a voodoo doll?"

Kate laughed. "No. I'm just…I'm gonna take a bath and go to sleep, go to work…it'll pass."

"Kate, this isn't a cold."

"I know!" she took a breath and steadied her voice. "I know, Maddy. But, I can't change his mind, and I won't leave. So, you know?"

"I do. I'm so sorry, Sweetie. And after such an odd day, too."

"Right?" Kate chuckled weakly. "I'll call you later in the week?"

"Sounds good. You let me know if you need anything at all."

"I'm good, Maddy. Thanks for coming with me today."

Madison laughed. "Fat lot of good it did _me_. But I'm glad you met them. You sounded happy, talking about them."

"They're nice," Kate shrugged. "We'll see." She hoped she felt as good as she had leaving the store after she saw them the next time. It had been nice and kind of strange to walk around weightless, even just for the twenty minutes it had taken to get home.

"Well, now you're single. You should jump on that."

Kate laughed. "Uh, no. This is about the kid, not about her dad." Rick was an element, but Alexis was the one she wanted to see, and Alexis was the one that wanted to see her.

"He's hot though."

"He is, but right now? I think he needs a friend, not a girlfriend. He doesn't look that great about the mom situation." She remembered his tired face and the way he looked at his daughter. She didn't think he was a guy who was ready to be in a relationship right now, and she certainly wasn't ready.

Madison sighed. "You're too perceptive for your own good sometimes, Becks."

"That's how you get to Detective," Kate chuckled. "I'm gonna go. Have a nice night, Mads."

"Okay, you too. And have a glass of wine, or something."

"Night."

"Night, Honey."

They clicked off and Kate dropped the phone to the couch. She stared around, a bit dazed. After a while, she got up and cleared the dishes they'd left on the table, chucking everything. She didn't want to eat leftovers from that meal. She dumped her wine and the rest of his beer down the drain. She didn't mind drinking—wasn't worried that she'd become her father—but she refused to use it as an escape from feelings. _That_ was dangerous.

She padded into her bedroom and through to the bathroom. She could take a bath. But then she'd just be sitting there thinking in the warm water and remembering about the baths she'd taken with Will, and how he'd loved her deep, claw foot tub. Instead, she stripped and turned on the shower, removed her make up and brushed her teeth. The shower was perfunctory, just cleaning what needed to be cleaned for work the next day. She was out in ten minutes and curled up in her bed in fifteen, mind whirring and blank all at once.

Sleep took a long time in coming, with the other side of the bed cold. It would be cold for a while now. Tomorrow, perhaps, she'd try sleeping in the middle.

(...)

"Aren't we the lucky ones!" Esposito grumbled. "Digging in dumpsters, looking for jewelry."

"Be happy we're in the dumpsters and not down the drain," Kate replied, looking over at him as he wiped sweat from his forehead with the sleeve of his jacket, his darker cheeks stained pink with the outer cold and inner heat of rustling around in a smelly, cramped trash bin.

Esposito had joined up about half a year after her, and had transferred over from the 54th a little over six months ago. He was good at what he did, and on occasion, she found his humor funny. They weren't the best of friends, but they got along, as well as any two uniforms forced together could.

"Still. Man, I can't wait to make Detective and not do this anymore."

"You've still got three years," Kate snorted. "And there's no guarantee that you won't be doing this then, too." It didn't really bother her too much; they wore enough clothing to stay relatively germ free, and you never knew when your grunt work might provide the key to solving the case. Kate lived for those moments. They made everything worthwhile.

"I'll be happy to watch you be the underling for once, then," he grinned. "Only two years for you."

"I know." Two long years of dumpster digging, but it would be worth it.

"But," he sighed and shifted another bag, "until then, here we are."

"Digging in dumpsters," she finished. "It's not that far off, is it?"

He plucked a banana peel off his jacket. "If you say so, Becks."

"Don't call me Becks, Espo."

"Don't call me Espo."

Kate rolled her eyes at their antics and continued digging. "Got something," she called as she picked through a new looking bag that had obviously been shoved down into the trash, rather than just tossed in. The glint of the metal clasp had caught her eye and she worked her glove-covered hands into the plastic bag, refusing to acknowledge the slick substance that glooped onto the back of her left hand as she did.

She felt her fingers close around the metal chain and she pulled it from the bag with a repressed gag. Whatever the brown, sludgy substance was, it was rotting and it smelled. She quickly slid the necklace into an evidence pouch and handed the rest of the bag off to another uniform, Karpowski, who took it away. Then she hopped out of the dumpster, took a breath of cool, fresh, fall air, and hurriedly stripped out of her gloves, careful not to touch the left one.

"Good catch," Esposito grinned. "Always you, isn't it?"

"Just gotta bring your 'A' game," Kate smirked.

"Shut it," he grumbled as he climbed out and walked over to her. He shucked off his gloves and they each dumped them into the evidence waste as they meandered back to their car. "How was your day off?"

"Good. Yours?"

"Same old, same old," he shrugged. "Met a girl."

"She still around?" Esposito was rather well known for his love-em-and-leave-em attitude, though she was sure he showed them a pretty good time before he dodged out. She felt nothing more than slightly familial acceptance for the guy, but he did have a nice body. And some women really liked the "Latin lovin'," as he'd called it the other week.

"Have some faith, Beckett," he snorted. "I made her breakfast."

"And what did you make her?"

"Pancakes."

"Ah," Kate laughed as they got into the car. "So, good date?" She'd learned a lot about men and their views of sex and after-sex. And pancakes were always a sign of a _good_ night.

"Better than your bath and book," he grinned.

Kate plastered on a smile. She didn't talk about _her_ personal life at the Precinct. It was too raw, and the whole place was a meat market anyway. "To each his or her own, Espo."

"Don't call me Espo."

(...)

The rest of the week passed quickly, to Kate's infinite relief. They'd had three murders come up, and that kept them busy riding out to scenes and doing grunt work. Kate didn't mind it, though Esposito complained often enough. It was calming, digging around, looking for evidence, being part of the _team_. Russian literature seemed far away when she looked at her life now.

Her cell rang just as she was heading out of the Precinct on Saturday night, wrapping her scarf tighter around her neck. "Beckett," she answered.

"Kate?"

"This is she. Who's this?" Kate asked as she hopped into her car.

"This is Rick Castle."

"Oh, Rick, hi," Kate replied quickly, not bothering to put her car into gear. "How…how are you?" Yeah, the stammering was great. Come on. He was just a guy.

"I'm good. Just got back from a press junket and I have a very eager little girl over here who's just dying to have you over for dinner."

Kate laughed as she heard Alexis exclaiming "Yes!" in the background. Her response was immediate. "I'd love to. What day?"

"Are your days off always on Tuesdays?" he asked.

"They are."

"So, does Monday night work?"

"It does, yeah." That sounded like a nice way to start her day off. And after this week of hell, she'd take whatever respite the Castles could provide. She hoped it would be a respite.

"Are you home right now?"

"On my way back from work, actually," she replied, settling into her seat and squirming around to find the most comfortable position. Sometimes there was a spring that poked at her back. She should probably try to go about getting that fixed sometime.

"It's seven on a Saturday," he told her, as if she didn't know.

"Some of us have real jobs, Mr. Castle," she teased.

She heard him laugh on the other end. "Oh, ouch, Officer Beckett. That hurts."

"Cry me a river." Where was this coming from?

"I just might. Kate's being mean," she heard him whisper to Alexis.

"Don't tell her that!" Kate objected, laughing as she heard, "No she's not!" from Alexis.

"Fine. I have a feeling I'm never going to win with the two of you around."

"Might be the case," Kate smiled. "So, Monday night? What time?"

"When do you get off work?"

"Well, I don't _have_ to stay past five," she admitted. There was nothing wrong with working hard. Granted, the amount she had to fight to get to do it should have impressed how unusual it was, but she was never very good with taking hints to slow down.

"But you normally do?"

Kate shrugged. It was something everyone teased her about, but it was also why Montgomery had already pegged her to move up. "Yeah. But I can make an exception this time."

"Well, if it's not a problem, how about 5:30?"

"That sounds good, Rick," she said, fighting a small smile.

"Great," she could hear him smiling. "I'll let Alexis know. Wait, wait…" there was a muffled conversation on the other end. "Can she say hi?"

"Sure," Kate laughed.

"Hi Kate!"

"Hi, Alexis. How are you?"

"I'm good. How are you?"

"I'm good as well, kid. Are you having a good weekend?" She sounded as adorable and eager as she looked, and Kate found that just her little voice was making the tension flow out of her shoulders.

"Yeah! Daddy says we're going to the Museum tomorrow!"

"That sounds like fun." How long had it been since she'd been to the Museum for something other than a homicide or suspect wrangling?

"Can you come?"

Kate blinked. "Oh, no. Sweetie, I'm sorry, but I have to work." Sweetie?

"Oh, okay."

"But, I'm coming for dinner on Monday. That's just two days away," she assured her quickly. How deep was she in here?

"Yay! Okay, Daddy wants the phone back. See you soon?"

"See you soon," Kate replied.

There was more shuffling on the other end. "Hey. Sorry about that. She likes you."

"It's mutual. Sorry I can't. The Museum sounds like fun." The Museum sounds like fun?

"You have to work, at your _real_ job, I get it," he said with a false sigh.

"Hey! That's not fair. Now you're being mean," she laughed.

"All's fair here. You did it first."

"I'm not getting into a 'no I didn't' argument with you, Rick Castle," she decided, though that sounded like a surprising amount of fun.

"Then you're a smart woman. I've had lots of practice with this one over here."

Kate laughed. "I'm sure you have. But, unfortunately, I have to get home. The guys are all staring at me," she added, realizing that her prolonged pause at the curb was bound to draw unwanted attention. When they'd realized that she couldn't be taken out to dinner, and no amount of come-ons would get her in their beds, the guys of the 12th had taken to watching her with fascination. She wanted to be flattered, but she ended up just being irritated by it.

"What?"

"I'm in my car," she glanced up at the 12th and sure enough, the night crew was watching her out the window. Nosy busy bodies. "And they're all looking at me. I usually speed off. I'm creating too intriguing a picture."

"Is the Precinct like a fishbowl or something?"

"For me? Yeah, unfortunately. But I'll, uh, see you Monday?" she fumbled through.

"Yes. Oh, wait. You need to know where I live."

"Yes, I do," she nodded, grabbing the little pad she kept for site addresses. "Hit me."

"425 Broome Street in SoHo. Apartment 504."

"Okay. I'll see you Monday at 5:30 then," Kate said as she scribbled down the address. His place was probably fabulous. It certainly was in a nice part of town.

"We're looking forward to it," he replied. "Have a nice night, Kate."

"You too. Tell Alexis for me?" Where was it coming from? What made her want this? What made her remember to say goodbye to the daughter too?

"Will do."

"Bye, Rick."

"Bye, Kate."

She hung up and sat for a moment, trying to reason it all out, before remembering that she was being watched. She rolled her eyes and pulled out into traffic. She was going to Richard Castle's house for dinner. She had called his daughter 'Sweetie' and bickered with him. And, if she wasn't mistaken, she'd probably have a great time with them. What the hell was going on?

She made it back to her building and parked. She pulled her jacket closed against the chill of the late November wind and scurried into the complex, nodding to Barry as she went. He always had a smile for her. She wouldn't argue it though; there had been days when that smile had kept her from crying as she rode up in the elevator.

Her apartment was cold. They wouldn't turn the heat up again until it got truly cold outside, one of the never-ending perks of living in Manhattan. She shrugged out of her jacket and unholstered her gun, placing it in her drawer, like always. Then she went into her room and changed, pulling on sweats and her over-sized NYPD hoodie. She padded out into the living room and looked around.

She'd boxed up Will's stuff and sent it yesterday, and now all the tables looked empty, the shelves a bit more bare. And it wasn't even like he'd had all that much stuff to begin with. She sighed and went to her refrigerator. Empty. Great.

She had two options: Drag her sorry butt out to the store, or eat popcorn for dinner. She frowned as she looked around. She really shouldn't eat popcorn for dinner. That wasn't okay anymore. Everyone was so glad to see her putting on weight and looking healthier, and she really didn't want to go back to having weekly exams with the Precinct physician and daily pestering from all of her superiors. She'd been doing well up in Homicide and didn't need to fall back to her training days, when things had been dark—very dark.

The store was just down the street. She could go out like she was now. She put on flats and grabbed her keys and wallet and left. The walk was short, and she managed to keep her head forward, like a normal person, even passing the two alleys on the way there. She could do it. It left her neck stiff, but she managed.

She got greens and vegetables, real potatoes and a few packages of chicken and fish. She'd fry something up at home, make a few simple meals, try to be better about eating like a human, rather than a take-out disposal. She even bought ice cream, just on a whim. She could do this. She could be on her own. That pang in her gut that came up every time she thought about Will was back. She shook it off and paid, giving the checkout girl a smile. She smiled back.

Kate made her way home, steadfastly keeping her head forward the whole time. She finally made it and got into the elevator with a sigh. It shouldn't take so much effort. But really, hadn't her therapist said it would? Trauma, that ugly word she hated—she'd been through _trauma_, and dealing with it wouldn't just take six months, or even a few years. It would be a long time before life was ever _normal_ again.

As normal as it could be for a twenty-three-year-old homicide uniform. She snorted. Yeah, normal wasn't really what she was going for, was it?


	4. Chapter 4

**Title: Of Finding Innocence**

**Disclaimer: No Castle ownership. Some other characters I hope to share soon...**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: The response to this story has been completely overwhelming. I'm SO glad that you're all enjoying it so much. In that vein, I won't keep you waiting. To dinner, my friends.**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 4:<strong>

Monday was crazy. A double homicide and two very combative suspects had made for a tumultuous day and a large backlog of paperwork. Kate glanced at her clock, head in her left hand, pen squeezed in her cramping right, and sighed. It was 5:10. She needed to leave. She glanced at the files on her desk and shrugged. She'd finish them on Wednesday; they were all her personal records anyway, not the departmentals that needed to go out on the day of.

She began cleaning her desk and Esposito leaned over the aisle. "What's this? Katherine Beckett, clocking out before six?"

"Can it, Esposito," she grumbled. "Some of us have lives, you know." Nosy, inconsiderate little bugger.

"Oh, I know," he leered and Kate shook her head. "I didn't know you did, though."

"You don't know a lot about me, Esposito," Kate replied, standing and donning her jacket. "See you Wednesday."

He gave her a funny look but nodded. "See you Wednesday."

Kate made her way out of the bullpen, waving to the Detectives crowded around the murder board. She passed Egrin on her way into the elevator and they exchanged friendly glances. He was a good guy—her counterpart on the night shift. If he was in a good mood and it was a quiet night, he might even knock some of her paperwork off for her. They did that for each other on occasion.

The rode down to the garage and got into her car, pulling out the address. Traffic was heavy and it took her the better part of twenty minutes to get to SoHo, fidgeting the whole way there. She was excited, but she was nervous, and she felt silly for the first and ridiculous for the second. But the traffic demanded her focus, and she rather happily submitted to mindless, vigilant driving.

When she finally made it to his block and found a parking spot (one of the benefits of driving the crown vic home), she pulled off her NYPD jacket and donned a light, tan coat over her gray tee shirt. It wasn't perfect, but it was better than showing up in her uniform.

She got out of the car and entered the building. No one even gave her a second glance as she walked through. Was he that lax about security…oh, no, the doorman knew who she was; he was smiling and nodding to her. Rick must have told him. It was strange, being known by people she'd never met before. She stepped into the elevator and shook her head. It was extravagant—gilded and full of mirrors. The whole building reeked of understated, tasteful wealth.

She got out on the fifth floor and looked around, spotting 504 a few doors down. She walked up to it and took a deep breath. Was she really about to have dinner with Richard Castle and his daughter? There was a clatter from inside and the sound of girlish giggles. At some point, her mother had mentioned that small children often had a way of brightening the darkness. And as she stood there and felt her lips forming a smile at the sound of Alexis' laughter, Kate thought maybe she understood, just a little.

She knocked.

"I'll get it!"

There was the sound of skidding feet, and then the door opened to reveal Alexis' beaming face. "Hi Kate!"

"Hi, Alexis," Kate smiled as she allowed herself to be tugged into the apartment. "How are you?"

"I'm good!" Alexis said excitedly. "We're having pizza!" She was bouncing up and down, jeans rustling around her skinny legs. Kate found herself so distracted by the girl that she didn't even bother to look around.

"That sounds good," Kate told her as Rick came over to greet her. "Hi," she said as she looked up at him.

"Hi. Thank you for coming," he said, smiling softly. He was relaxed, wearing jeans and an untucked blue button down that brought out his eyes. Richard Castle in his natural habitat.

"Happy to be here." She shifted her weight from one foot to the other and then realized that she was still wearing her gun. "Um…"

"Alexis, honey, could you go put the salad on the table?" Rick suggested.

"Sure, Daddy!" she skidded away.

"What's up?"

Kate gave him a grateful smile. "I'm still wearing my G-U-N, and I, uh…where should I put that? I can't leave it in the car." Of all of the dumb things to do, she'd brought a _gun_ to a house with a child. How had that not crossed her mind? She was a police officer. She was supposed to be well versed in safety. He must think…

"That's awesome," he grinned.

"Excuse me?" What?

"I mean, um…little girl, daughter, safe, gun. Right! Come this way?" She laughed despite herself and followed him through the expansive living room. A huge black leather couch occupied the middle of the room, strewn with a number of brightly colored pillows. Two armchairs sat at either end of the low coffee table, and every wall around the room was made of bookshelves. She'd thought her parents had had a lot of books. She'd been wrong.

"We'll be right back, Pumpkin," Rick told Alexis as he beckoned Kate to follow him through a door to what looked like a study.

"Okay!" Alexis said easily.

He closed the door and guided her over to another enormous bookshelf, where he knelt down and opened a safe. "Safety on on that thing?"

"Always, when I'm not on duty," she replied, taking it out of the holster and handing it to him, along with her badge. "Thanks for this. I didn't really think about it. I don't normally remember I've got it on me."

"No problem," he said as he placed the items inside.

The office was as amazing as the living room. He had signed covers of his books along the bureau that covered the width of the back wall, above which sat a picture of an endless spiral staircase. The room was classy, with the same black armchairs as the living room and a huge mahogany desk in the middle, adorned with all manner of trinkets and his computer. God, she was standing here in Richard Castle's study, where he wrote his books.

"I think it's cool."

She considered him as he gestured to the safe, bringing her out of her amazement of the space and the fact that she was there at all. "You're gonna like the fact that I work on the force, aren't you?"

"Gonna? I just got to put a gun into my safe for _safety_. This is so cool."

"Are you twelve?" she laughed, amused.

"Sometimes," he shrugged. "Now, let's get out there before salt mysteriously becomes the main topping for the evening."

That sounded like childhood. "Previous experience?"

He nodded and opened the door, gesturing for her to precede him. "She's very adventurous in the kitchen, but she lacks a certain…finesse, let's say."

"Come on!" Alexis said from her spot at the table. "I'm hungry!"

Rick gestured for her to sit opposite Alexis and then spun around to grab the pizza from the oven. She took her seat and watched as he brought the platter over with a flourish, grinning at her.

"Is that _homemade_ pizza?" Kate asked as he set it down in front of them. He could make pizza? Richard Castle made homemade pizza that smelled like it had just popped out of the Authentic Nick's oven?

"Of course," he replied easily. "We only do homemade pizza on pizza night."

"I like it more than regular," Alexis added. "The cheese is gooier."

"We'll let Kate be the judge of that," Rick laughed as he cut it into slices and then gave everyone one to start.

They sat patiently as Kate picked up her slice. "You're going to watch me eat it?" She was sure she'd like it, but wasn't that a little creepy, at least on Rick's end?

"Gotta see your reaction," Alexis said seriously.

"What she said," Rick grinned.

Kate narrowed her eyes at him but took a small bite. It was crispy and gooey in all the right ways, and the sauce was made of something fantastic that made her want to moan. God, it was _good_. "This is delicious," she announced as she swallowed. "Did you help make it, Alexis?" she asked, holding in a laugh as Rick preened.

"I rolled the dough and did the sauce."

"We have aprons and everything," Rick explained. "And there's salad and garlic bread too."

"This is decadent," Kate smiled. "It's great. Thank you."

"Do you have family dinners, Kate?" Alexis asked.

How to answer that question? The last family dinner she'd been part of had ended in a murder and shattered her world apart. But that wasn't the right thing to say here. Kate chewed her next bite and took a breath. "Not really," she said carefully, hoping to keep her voice steady and light. "My Dad's busy."

"What about your Mommy?"

Kate blinked and sucked in an unsteady breath. Somehow, she hadn't considered the idea that she'd need to talk about this tonight. But children asked questions, and Alexis' were so innocent for anyone but Kate. "Um…my mother, my mother isn't with us, anymore."

"Oh," the girl said softly.

Silence fell. Alexis looked a bit confused but didn't comment, and Rick looked…he looked oddly sad. "Sorry," he murmured.

Kate raised a shoulder. "It's okay." She gave herself a mental shake; now was not the time to sink into this. She was here to find the light and make a little girl laugh, right? "What did you learn in school today, Alexis?"

Alexis perked up and Kate noticed Rick watching her out of the corner of her eye. "We talked all about the Ocean," Alexis told her excitedly. "And we have to pick an animal to do a project on. I wanna do the sea turtles."

"Alexis _is_ a fan of the sea turtles," Rick interjected, his gaze still contemplative, but his smile full for his daughter.

"Daddy says that later in the week we can go see them at the Zoo and take pictures."

"That sounds like a good idea. But, tell me, why sea turtles?" Kate asked, forcing herself to take another bite of pizza and let her mother disappear behind the wall she'd made in her head.

Alexis gaped. "Why? Because they're awesome!"

Kate laughed. "I see. But _why_ are they awesome?"

Alexis appeared baffled for a moment and Kate noticed Rick taking an extra large bite of pizza. Alexis chewed her own mouthful thoughtfully and then turned to Kate.

"They're really old; they live to be really old. And they, um, ride sea currents to get around and they go really large distances to lay eggs. And they guard their eggs until they hatch, like good mommies. And, um, they're reptiles but they live in the ocean and swim really fast, even though they're slow on land?"

"Those sound like good criteria for awesomeness to me," Kate replied, impressed. She would have stopped at 'they live to be really old,' at Alexis' age.

"Me too," Rick added.

"What's _your_ favorite ocean animal, Kate?" Alexis asked. "And _why_?"

Oh, she was a smart little kid, wasn't she? "Penguins," Kate replied easily, surprised by her own answer. She paused for a second to collect her thoughts and then smiled. She did like penguins as a kid, and she remembered her facts now. "They're very fast in the water, like sea turtles, and they go long distances to lay their eggs too. They're smart and conserve heat in the dead of winter. And, the daddies take care of the eggs once the mommies lay them. And they mate for life," Kate added as an after thought.

"Mating for life is an important thing for your favorite animal?" Rick asked.

Kate met his eyes. There was a flash of something she couldn't quite pin down. "I'd say so."

"Hmm," he offered.

"Hmm," she parroted. Alexis giggled. "What's funny?"

"You guys are silly," Alexis explained. "Humming at dinner."

"What's wrong with humming?" Rick asked before he proceeded to hum the Star Wars theme.

"Daddy! Not again," Alexis exclaimed dramatically. "He _always_ does this."

"Hums the Star Wars theme song?" she chuckled, looking between them.

"Yes. He's obsessed."

"And you're not?" She'd assume that Richard Castle, who apparently was quite a nerd, would have brainwashed his daughter into absolutely loving everything science fiction.

Alexis shrugged. "They're good movies."

"You've seen them all?" Man, when was the last time she'd watched those movies?

"Star Wars education begins early in the Castle household," Rick interjected, pausing his rendition long enough to answer and grab another slice of pizza.

"I see," Kate nodded. "What's your favorite movie, Alexis?"

"I have lots of favorites, but I'm really excited for the Harry Potter movie," she replied. "Have you read the books? Daddy and I finished the fourth one."

"I have, actually," Kate smiled. She'd ignored the teasing that came with it. She loved those books. "I can't wait for the fifth one to come out."

"Me too!" That was impressive for a seven-year-old. Those books were complicated and _big_.

"You read Harry Potter?" Rick asked, staring at her with interest.

Kate turned to the humming machine. "I just told your daughter that. Do you not listen?"

"Only when I deem it necessary," he grinned. "You like them, though?"

"I'm hooked. Have been since they came out," she admitted. She couldn't remember why she'd picked up the first one, but after that, she had to know what happened to the little boy with the lightning scar.

"I like Hermione," Alexis said.

"Me too," Kate told her. "She's very smart." She saw a little bit of her own bookish self in the girl, and she figured that Alexis did too.

"Smarter than the boys," Alexis nodded.

"Can I tell you a secret?" Kate asked her. The little girl nodded emphatically. "Girls are smarter than boys. Period."

"Hey!" Rick exclaimed. "Don't tell her that. That's not true, Alexis."

"So boys are always smarter than girls?" Alexis asked him.

Hah! Try to get out of that one, Rick Castle. "No, I just meant…well…girls aren't always smarter than boys. Sometimes boys are smarter," he managed.

"Rarely," Kate mumbled into her drink.

"You're not helpful."

"I disagree. I'm trying to teach your daughter the real life lessons," she assured him, sharing a wink with Alexis that was far too much fun.

"Yeah, Daddy. The _real_ life lessons," Alexis added, grinning.

He threw his hands up. "Do you want dessert? Because I'm disinclined to give it to you now."

"No, no, I want dessert!" Alexis pleaded. "Sorry, Daddy."

"I'm not sorry, but I'd love dessert, if it's a table wide offer," Kate told him. "Everything was great." She felt comfortably full and satisfied, which was more than she could say for most of the meals she made for herself. It wasn't that she couldn't cook, just that she didn't enjoy it.

His glare fell and he grinned. "Glad you thought so. You're welcome back any time."

She just smiled and watched as he moved to the refrigerator, coming back with a small cheesecake. She'd have to work out twice tomorrow just to burn this off.

"Cheesecake!" Alexis squealed. "My favorite!"

"And don't I know it," Rick laughed, cutting three slices and putting them onto plates. "Cheesecake alright with you, Kate?"

"Cheesecake might just be my favorite, too," she laughed. She hadn't had a good slice in ages.

Alexis beamed at her as Rick handed them their pieces and went about putting the rest of the cake back into the refrigerator. Kate took an experimental bite while Alexis dived in and she closed her eyes in approval. She'd have to find out where he'd gotten this. No, actually, she wouldn't. If she knew, she'd gain a hundred pounds. It would be better just to enjoy this one piece of creamy, crumbly, deliciously smooth cake and then walk away.

"So, what are your plans for Thanksgiving?" Rick asked a few minutes later.

"Working," Kate replied.

"You have to work on Thanksgiving?" Alexis asked with a gasp.

Kate looked between them, both equally horrified. "We rotate. I get Christmas off this year, but not Thanksgiving." She forgot sometimes that it wasn't normal to miss holidays in lieu of traipsing after killers and collecting body parts.

"Oh," Alexis nodded thoughtfully.

Rick just blinked at her. "That stinks."

Kate shrugged. "Happens." She preferred it that way. Working allowed her to escape the loneliness of the holidays, because without her mother there, she and her father didn't celebrate—not that he'd been in any state to do so recently. And working just made it easier. Then she didn't have to think about it.

"Kate?" Alexis asked a few minutes later.

"Yes?" she smiled, coming back to the present.

"What do you do at your job?"

Kate swallowed and then took a sip of water. How should she answer that question? She glanced at Rick for a little guidance, but he looked almost as intrigued as Alexis. "Well, I help people catch criminals," she offered slowly.

"But how?"

"I collect evidence and go look at crime scenes before the Detectives get there."

"Like a scout?"

"Yes," Kate smiled. That was a good analogy "Exactly. And sometimes I go out and dig for things."

"Dig?" Rick asked.

"Spent most of Wednesday in a dumpster, actually," Kate replied, laughing as his eyes widened.

Alexis wrinkled her nose. "That doesn't sound like much fun."

"It wasn't. But, the necklace I found was important to the investigation," she told her. Alexis shook her head and scrunched up her face in disgust. She could relate, and with the memory of that particular garbage bag, Kate found that she didn't really want that last little bite of cheesecake anymore.

"How so?" Rick asked.

Kate turned to him. "Why do you want to know?"

"I'm interested," he replied easily. "Crime fascinates me."

"Daddy sometimes tapes himself up," Alexis told her.

"He does?" Kate asked her, turning back to Rick with her eyebrows raised. He was blushing. "And why would he do that?" Oh, he was twisting in his seat; this had to be good.

"He wants to make sure that Derrick can get out of a…a…hassle?" Alexis told her, looking to her father for confirmation.

"Yes. Hassle. Good memory, Pumpkin," Rick smiled at her, avoiding Kate's look. "I like to do my research."

"By taping yourself to a chair?" she asked, incredulous.

"And into a closet," Alexis added.

Kate stared at him and then looked at Alexis. "And, while Daddy's tied up, what do you do?"

"Oh, Gram takes me out shopping," Alexis grinned. "And if he's not out by the time we get back, she unties him…after lecturing him."

"Yes, those _are_ the fun days," Rick said hastily, standing and taking the dishes. "Why don't the two of you go into the living room while I clean up."

"Can Kate stay for a movie?" Alexis asked excitedly.

"I don't know, Sweetie. We have to ask Kate that."

Alexis turned to her with big blue eyes. "Can you stay?"

"Sure," Kate smiled. She was having fun and was in no hurry at all to get back to her lonely, chilly apartment. "Let's go pick one out while your Dad cleans up."

"Okay."

She let Alexis guide her over to the side of the living room where an impressive collection of tapes awaited their perusal at the base of one of the big bookshelves. Alexis combed through them, alternating between giving Kate commentary on the films and asking for her opinion. Eventually, they settled on _Swan __Princess_, a movie Kate hadn't seen in ages. Alexis put the tape in and dragged Kate over to the couch, where she plopped down and patted the seat next to her.

Kate sat down and Alexis immediately snuggled into her side. She startled a bit but then relaxed, running a hand through the girl's hair. Alexis was warm against her side and Kate felt herself relaxing. Her day off was tomorrow, and unlike most Mondays, when it took her hours to unwind, here she was, already limp and peaceful.

"Hurry up, Daddy! I have to be in bed by nine!" Alexis called.

Kate heard Rick laughing as he made his way over to them and settled down next to Kate, glancing over at his daughter. "You never do forget your bedtime, do you, kid?"

"No. 'Cause if I don't remember, you'll forget."

He chuckled and met Kate's eyes. "Okay?" he asked silently, gesturing to Alexis' position. Kate nodded and Rick grabbed the remote and started the movie.

"_Swan __Princess_, again?" he groaned.

"Hey, I like this movie," Kate objected, nudging him with her free elbow.

"Yeah!" Alexis agreed.

"Never gonna win again," he grumbled, hunkering down in his seat. She couldn't stop the little smile that played over her face. The two of them were quite a pair.

Kate watched him out of the corner of her eye as the movie progressed, and, though he did initially look bored, she caught him mouthing along to the songs and dialogue. Alexis did too for a while, until Kate felt her growing heavy against her side.

"Feels like someone's falling asleep there, little miss," she said quietly about two-thirds of the way through the film.

"Uh-huh," Alexis mumbled.

"Time for bed," Rick smiled. "Glad we did your bath after school, huh?" he asked as he stood and scooped her up.

"Yeah," she whispered sleepily.

Rick looked down at Kate as she reached for the remote and paused the movie. "I…uh…"

"Kate?" Alexis asked.

"Yes, Sweetie?"

"Will you tuck me in too?"

Kate felt her eyes widen and she and Rick exchanged surprised glances. He nodded, as if to say 'your call.' The entire evening had been lovely and there'd been this bizarre feeling of normalcy she hadn't expected, like she'd known them for much longer than a few days. But was it wrong to tuck the girl in? That was just as innocent as dinner, wasn't it?

"Sure," Kate replied after a moment. Rick smiled and she slowly followed them up the stairs. They turned a corner and Rick pushed a door open to reveal a light purple room with more toys than Kate would ever have known what to do with. The bookshelf in the corner though, held more books than there were toys. Now that, she would have loved as a kid.

Rick placed Alexis down on the purple bed, piled high with stuffed animals and pillows. "Time to brush teeth, Pumpkin."

Alexis nodded and hopped down, scooting into the ensuite bathroom and closing the door. Rick turned to Kate as she looked around the room.

"Thank you, I…"

"It's not a problem," she stopped him, meeting his eyes with a soft smile.

"No, I mean, I know. I just…I've…she's not usually so, um, easily taken? I mean, don't get me wrong; you're cool. But, uh…"

Kate smiled at his rambling. "It's okay. I get it. And it's no trouble. I've had a good time tonight." She had, and she felt a little thrill in her stomach at the unguardedly grateful look at the spread across his face at the comment.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

Alexis came out of the bathroom in a little blue nightgown, wiping her mouth on her sleeve. "Ready," she smiled.

Rick hoisted her onto the bed and snuggled her under a mountain of blankets as Kate watched, fascinated and a little melancholy. Her father had done that with her when she was a kid. Now…but not tonight. She wouldn't think about that tonight. "Warm enough?" Rick asked.

"Yeah," Alexis giggled.

"Do you want a story tonight?"

Alexis shook her head and beckoned Kate over. Kate moved slowly and ended up standing at the head of the bed while Rick sat on the edge near his daughter's hip.

"Thanks for coming, Kate," Alexis said, even as her eyes began to droop.

"It was my pleasure," Kate told her, brushing a wisp of hair off of the girl's forehead almost absent-mindedly.

"Will you come back next week?" the whisper was soft, but there.

"I…" she looked to Rick, who shrugged.

"You're more than welcome to."

Kate took a breath. Did she want to? She'd had a lot of fun tonight. And here, in this house, there were no murderers or bad guys, just evil wizards and laughter. "Sure, Alexis. I would like that."

"Good."

And then her breathing evened out and they watched as she fell into sleep. They stood and sat for a minute, just staring at the little girl. Then they both seemed to realize what they were doing and Rick stood, gesturing for Kate to follow him out of the room. He flicked the lights as they made their way out, and Kate smiled as she saw twinkle lights ignite around the room when the overhead shut off, casting the space in a warm glow.

"Nice night light," she whispered as he closed the door.

"She doesn't like the dark, and, well, I like to make things special," he shrugged as they made their way down the stairs.

They stood in the foyer and looked at each other. "I had fun," she offered after an awkward minute, swinging her hands by her sides.

"Me too," he nodded.

"This is…" she trailed off, unable to find a word to put to it.

"Is it weird? It doesn't feel weird, per se," he said.

"No, it's just…odd?"

He nodded. "We can go with odd. Wanna sit down? Or do you need to get home?"

Kate shook her head. She didn't need to leave, and she found that she really didn't want to just yet. "Nowhere to be. We can sit."

She followed him into the living room and sat down on the couch, taking his lead as he did so. They sat facing each other, legs pulled up to scrunch into the couch. After another silent minute, Rick stuck out his hand. "Hi, I'm Rick."

Kate laughed but took his hand, relieved that he'd thought of a good way to break the awkward air. She didn't want to feel awkward with him. "Kate."

"Nice to meet you, not at a book signing."

"Nice to meet you too," she smiled. "Your daughter is adorable."

"She's totally taken with you," he laughed. "Couldn't stop talking about you, actually."

"I'm kind of taken with her too, if that's not too…odd." Taken wasn't really being fair to it though; she was utterly besotted by the little girl. Who wouldn't be?

He shook his head. "She's hard to get away from. I'm just…well, it's really nice, that she's…"

"That she's?" she prompted when he trailed off.

He sighed and rubbed a hand over his face. "Her mother—stop me if this becomes too much information. But, her mother is less than _there_, you know?"

Kate nodded. "So I gathered," she said softly, bracing herself for what looked like a difficult confession.

"And, so, we get back from this horrible trip, and she meets you, this cool, nice, sweet woman, who read to her and let her fall asleep in her lap, and she's totally smitten with you. And you came for dinner, and you're lovely, you know?"

Kate smiled softly. He was worried that she'd drop his kid like a stone. "She's great, Rick."

"I'm glad you think so, I just…I don't even know how to say this. I don't normally let Alexis meet anyone I'm _seeing_. But, I'm not _seeing_ you."

Kate laughed nervously. "No, you're not." This wasn't about them. But she couldn't stop the tiny little voice that whispered 'yet' at the very edge of her conscious thought. She brushed it away quickly, forbidding it to return. Because that always worked so well.

"So, I don't know what the protocol is," he told her quietly, looking up to meet her gaze. "And, you don't seem like the kind of person who would play with a kid's feelings."

"I'm not," Kate answered quickly, jerkingly.

"Yeah, I'm getting the good person vibe from you."

Kate snorted. "We have to talk about that, actually, at some point." The 'good person vibe' was not reason enough to give someone access to your kid.

"You're a criminal?" he asked eagerly.

"No! But we'll have to talk about why that excites you so much too," she laughed. "I just, in the store, when I showed you my badge, it's real. But there are lot of people who would use that as a fake, you know?" she said quietly, trying to be helpful but not pedantic. She hated being patronized more than anything, and made an effort to extend the courtesy to others.

He grinned. "I had you monitored."

"What?" she gasped.

"There are cameras all over that store. They knew to watch Alexis."

Kate blinked. Well that…made it better, and a little weird. "Oh."

"Don't worry. I'm charmingly suave, not naïve," he grinned.

"And cocky," she shot back.

"Sometimes," he laughed. "But thanks," he said seriously. "It's nice of you to watch out for her like that."

"She's worth watching out for," she told him honestly. That little girl was worth a lot, and it didn't take long to figure that out.

"Which brings us back to the protocol thing, again," he sighed. "I'm really happy to get to know you. You're smart, and interesting, and my kid thinks you're great. And, you're great with my kid. The 'why' thing, at dinner? Genius."

"Thanks," she blushed. It had just popped out.

"But I just…"

"You can ask, you know," she said softly, realizing that he felt just as out of place about this as she did.

"Are you gonna dump my kid? Because, don't get me wrong, I think you're as cool as she does, but I can't…I can't let her get attached to you if you're gonna bail. And, I mean, I realize that this is serious for the first dinner you've had here, especially since we've barely met you, but she's…she's gonna get clingy, and I'd hate to see her really fall for you, and then have you leave." He said it quickly, shamefully, like it was something to feel bad about.

Kate didn't quite know what to think. Here she was for this lovely dinner with a nice guy and his cute kid, and she was suddenly signing a pact to be in the girl's life? Did she want to be? Did she want to run, and save them all the pain if it became too much? Would it become too much? How much was it to have dinner with them a few times a month, or maybe go to the Museum some weekend? Would it hurt to have that kind of innocence in her life, the love of a kid, the friendship of a nice guy? Because, she could tell already that she and Rick would get along.

"I mean, I'm not saying that you have to sign on to be her new mom," Rick broke into her thoughts.

"I know," Kate smiled. She took a breath and sorted out her thoughts. This could be good for her, would be good for her. "You know what? I'm in."

"You're in?"

"Dinner and spending some time with your kid every week or so? I can do that, Rick. I could use that."

"She does tend to brighten things," he nodded. "So, we're good?"

"We're good."

"Okay. Good. Um, do you want wine or anything?"

"I'm okay, actually," Kate smiled. She didn't like to drink to avoid things, either. She'd have to work on her hang-ups with alcohol.

"Okay," he shrugged. They sat silently for a minute. "Um…you know, for a writer, I'm finding myself baffled here."

"With what?"

"I'm not great with small talk."

She snorted. "You're kidding." Richard Castle, king of the tabloids, couldn't do small talk? Please.

"Hitting on someone small talk? I've got that down. Publicity small talk? I'm good. Actual small talk about real things with a real person who's made of more than silicon? Not so much."

Kate blinked. "Oh, well, I mean, you're doing okay." He was doing better than she was, at any rate.

He hung his head. "Sorry, I'm being heinously awkward."

Kate laughed. "It's fine. It's refreshing."

"Refreshing?"

"It's better than being hit on or joked at all day." Compared to the gang at the 12th, Rick's slightly awkward conversation was like jumping into a crisp, clean pool.

"Precinct life of a pretty uniform, I take it?"

Pretty—he thought she was pretty? "Yeah. Being a woman isn't the easiest thing there. I mean, it's not bad, just…it's a man's world, you know?"

"I'm sure you measure up."

"Thanks." There was no blush, and she felt no flutter in her stomach, and she would walk out of here with her dignity intact. She would.

"So, Katherine Beckett. What do you do when you're not at the Precinct?"

She laughed. It was awkward, but successful small talk. "Not too much. I read. I like being outside. I go to the park. Honestly not much."

"Sounds like enough to be relaxing," he said easily, sinking back into the couch, his head resting on his hand.

"It is," she nodded. "Sometimes I go to book signings."

He grinned. "Now, those are fun."

"Interesting, to say the least," she agreed. "What do you do when you're not on the press junket?"

He shrugged. "I write. I take care of my kid. I play video games."

"Video games?" Really? Well, maybe that shouldn't be so surprising, considering the glimpse of nerdom she'd gotten earlier.

"Hey, I'm young, I'm a guy. I can play video games," he protested.

"No judgment," she snickered. Oh, but there was, just a little.

"You're so judging."

"Am not."

"Are too."

"This is silly," she said to stop the argument. "So, video games and writing? No fancy dinners, no hot dates?" Where the hell was the playboy? And if he didn't exist, how did the Ledger catch him out and about so much. Though, now that she thought about it, he hadn't been out and about all that much recently.

He shook his head. "Not so much, no. I do that for publicity a few times a year, and then I like to be quiet at home. Alexis…she's not fond of those months."

"Lots of nights out, I take it?" Kate asked quietly.

"Yeah. It used to be okay, when it was me and her Mom making appearances, but now that it's just me she's…she's not as happy about me going out." His face lost some of that playfulness and Kate felt her fingers twitch, like she wanted to reach out and grasp his hand. What was it about this guy?

Kate nodded sadly. "That's understandable."

"Yeah."

"You look tired," she observed.

"Why are you the only person to tell me that other than my mother?" he asked her. "Seriously. Everyone else thinks I'm the energizer bunny."

"Probably because you have the thousand watt smile," Kate replied with a laugh. "But you do look tired. You should go to sleep."

"Trying to skip out on our delightfully not-awkward conversation, Miss Beckett?"

Kate rolled her eyes. Not at all. "No, just trying to make sure you wake up in time to get that girl to school in the morning."

He smiled. "Touché. Okay, yeah, I'm sorry," he yawned. "I am beat."

"Me too," she admitted, finally feeling the week catching up to her.

"Let's get your gun, then, Annie."

"Nice reference," she laughed as she followed him into the office.

"Ah, a woman who knows theatre," he grinned as he handed over her gun and badge, watching as she tucked them safely away. "That's still cool."

"And you're still slightly creepy for thinking that," she offered. He looked so fascinated as she slid the gun back into her holster, and if he was anything other than a millionaire crime writer, she might be worried. As it was, she was oddly amused by it.

"Eh," he shrugged. "So, um…are you free on Monday night next week too?"

Kate nodded. Wrapping her head around the fact that Richard Castle wanted her to come over for dinner again would take some time. The butterflies in her stomach, however, needed no preparation, and they burst free as she smiled. "I am."

"Would you like to come over for dinner again?" he asked, looking excited.

She smiled. She would. "That would be great."

He beamed and they made their way to the door together. "Well, um, this was lovely. Thank you for coming over."

"You're welcome. I had a great time," she told him, slipping back into her jacket and flipping her hair over the collar. She caught him watching the movement before he blinked and met her eyes.

"Same time next week?"

"Yeah. Sounds good." Starting another day off like this sounded wonderful.

He stuck out his hand and she took it. They shook, and then stood there, hands clasped, for a long moment as they considered each other. His hand was just as warm and large as it had been the previous week, but this time, Kate could feel something different between them; she just didn't know quite what it was.

"Have a nice night, Rick," Kate said finally, when she realized that they were doing nothing more than loitering in his front hall.

"You too, Kate," he replied, dropping her hand and opening the door for her. "Thank you for coming."

"My pleasure."

They smiled and then she walked away and to the elevator. She stepped inside and heard the click of his lock as she pushed the button for the ground floor. The opulent doors closed and the car began to sink, taking her away from the big apartment with the nice guy and the cute kid. She blew out a breath and let her smile blossom across her face. She'd had a marvelous time. How long was a week, really?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note II: So, we've had our first dinner. What did you guys think? Obviously, they're a bit more open, at least on some levels, than they were point blank in season one. Gimme your thoughts, gang. I love hearing them.<strong>


	5. Chapter 5

**Title: Of Finding Innocence**

**Disclaimer: If I owned them, I'd be too busy trying to drive you mad with tweets to bother writing.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: So, you guys are immensely awesome. You just are. Thank you for being so excited about this story, and for reviewing and blogging and everything. I am having so too much fun with this, and am really glad that you are too! So, on to our second dinner and some chitchat with the one and only Dr. Lanie Parish.**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 5:<strong>

"So, the boys tell me you cut out early on Monday?"

Kate turned to find Lanie Parish, the new Medical Assistant, leaning against her desk. They'd been out for coffee a few times since she started. Kate found her entertaining, if a bit pushy. It was nice to have another girl around—a girl who encouraged her to be girly every so often. Karpowski kept her grounded and they held their own against the boys, but she wasn't really one for chitchat.

"And if I did?" Kate replied evenly.

"I'm just curious as to why," Lanie shrugged, adjusting her scrubs. "From all you've told me, and what they all say, you _never_ cut out early."

"I didn't actually cut out early," Kate replied, shuffling the papers Egrin had finished for her. She'd have to get him a soda. "I went home at a reasonable hour for once."

"Same difference for you," Lanie countered, plopping into the chair Kate and Esposito kept between their desks. "And it's quiet today, no bodies. So, dish."

"Why do you always assume there's dish?" Kate asked as she filed things away. "I could have gone home to nap. It was a rough week." She was caught between wanting to tease her knew friend and genuinely wanting to keep her private life just that—private.

"But you didn't. You look too relaxed to have done nothing but sleep for a day and a half."

Kate shook her head. "You do realize that doesn't make sense, right?"

Lanie laughed. "Shut up. Dish."

"I went over to a friend's house for dinner," Kate shrugged. It was true, or, well, it was the closest truth there was.

"What friend?"

"Why do you care?"

"Why won't you tell me?"

They glared at each other. "Beckett, tell your friend why you left early so we can all get back to work in peace, would you? Girl time is giving me a headache," Esposito grumbled.

"Shut it, Esposito," Kate and Lanie replied together.

"Touchy," he muttered.

"Anyway," Lanie grinned, turning back to Kate with a wink. "Who's your new friend?"

Kate sighed. Holding out was just going to result in more needling. "Rick Castle," she said quietly.

"Excuse me?"

"Rick Castle," she reiterated, throwing Lanie a look. "And don't make a big deal out of this." Please, please, just be calm and cool and…

"You went on a date with Rick Castle?" Lanie squealed.

Kate glared at her as more than a few heads turned. "No, I did not," she replied loudly, turning her gaze on the other uniforms, who quickly ducked back into their desks. "Honestly, Lanie."

"Sorry," she grinned. "But, seriously? You had dinner with him? The novelist?"

"I had dinner with him and his _kid_. It was a…it was just dinner." It had been a lovely dinner that had left her smiling for days. But it was still just dinner.

"His kid? Castle has a kid?"

"Yeah," Kate replied easily. "She's adorable."

"How did this happen?"

"Yes, Beckett. Please, do tell us. We're all _dying_ to know," Esposito added, leaning across the aisle.

"Would you like me to braid your hair while she tells us, or should I punch you first, Esposito?" Lanie snapped at him.

He recoiled and Kate snickered as he eyed Lanie with some trepidation. "Come on, Lanie. Let's hit the break room. I don't think we need to give these fish more fodder."

She led the MA out of the bullpen and into the break room, where she shut the door. "First rule of thumb? Never open a door with them. They'll get pliers and take the hinges off to get back in once you close it," she said with a small sigh.

"Sorry," Lanie laughed, plopping down on the couch. "But, really. How did this happen?"

"I met them at his book signing and spent some time with his daughter, and they invited me over for dinner. I went. It was nice," Kate said as she stood awkwardly in the center of the room, her gaze flitting from the battered table to the abysmal coffee maker.

"Nice?"

"Yeah. We ate dinner and watched a movie." Downplaying it would probably make Lanie's interrogation a little less robust, right?

"What movie?"

"_Swan__ Princess_," Kate said, a smile sneaking onto her face.

"Really?" she asked, giggling.

"Hey, the seven-year-old picked it."

Lanie relaxed against the couch. "Man, it's been ages since I saw that movie."

"Right?" Kate slumped down next to her, feeling a little more at ease now. This is what girlfriends were for, and she should try to feel comfortable sharing. It was nice, really. "It was fun."

"Are you seeing them again?"

Kate nodded, toying with her fingers as she looked out the window. "Next Monday, for dinner again."

"Is this gonna be an every week thing?"

Kate met her gaze. "I don't know. Maybe?" She hoped it would be, and the day between the dinner and Wednesday had helped her accept that; she was allowed to look forward to fun evenings filled with laughter. That was healthy and good for her.

"You look so smiley!" Lanie told her. "How's your guy, Will? How's he taking it?"

"He's moving to Boston," she said quietly, that smile disappearing. In fact, he'd just left for Boston yesterday, come to think of it, though she liked to pretend she hadn't been counting.

"Oh."

"So, you know, not really an issue?" Kate chuckled sadly.

"You sounded like you really liked him."

Kate nodded. "I did." She had, and thinking about it made her heart clench.

"Sorry." Lanie put a hand on her leg.

Kate gave her a weak smile. "It's okay. Happens." People left. That's what life had taught her, and no amount of positive thinking seemed to change that.

"Still sucks."

"Yes. It does. But," she met Lanie's eyes. Talking about it wouldn't make it suck any less. Time to deflect. "How are _you_?"

Lanie beamed. "Met a nice guy."

"Oh really?"

"Anthony—firefighter."

"Ooh, calendar material?" she asked, raising her eyebrows with a grin.

"Last year's May."

"Nice," Kate high-fived her. Lanie was easy, fun. "Tell me more." Both of their pagers went off at the same time. "On second thought, let's get drinks later this week?"

Lanie nodded. "Tomorrow? Little false Thanksgiving?"

Kate smiled. That would be nice. Though, she wouldn't lie; the turkey sandwiches the Station provided were always really good. She didn't mind missing the actual holiday that much. It wasn't as though she had anyone to go home to, especially with Will out of the picture now. But this was not the time to dwell on any of that. "Sounds great, Lanie. Say seven, tomorrow?"

"Perfect. Annoying when the stiffs get in the way, isn't it?"

"It'd be too easy otherwise," Kate shrugged with a small laugh. This was their life, and she knew Lanie wouldn't trade it any more than she herself would.

"Whatever you say," Lanie laughed as they left the break room and went their separate ways.

Maybe Kate could do the alone thing. She didn't have Will, but she had Lanie, and on Monday she'd have Rick and Alexis, and Madison was around…she could do it.

(…)

"I'll get it. I'll get it! No, Daddy! Let me!"

The door opened on the grinning face of Richard Castle. He looked just as handsome as he did on the book jackets, dressed in a striped button down and casual jeans. He would have made a studly picture, but for the daughter he held upside down under his arm. "Hi, Kate."

"Hi," she laughed as Alexis waved and then squirmed, braided pigtails bouncing merrily.

"Daddy! Let me down!"

"I'm sorry, what was that?" he asked, taking a step backward so that Kate could come in and shut the door. "I didn't hear you."

"Put me down!" Alexis repeated, giggling.

"Oh, that _is_ what you said. So sorry." He turned her right side up and placed her down on the floor. "Better?"

Alexis huffed and crossed her arms, looking up at him. "I just wanted to get the door. You didn't have to capture me."

He laughed. "My apologies little miss."

"Thank you." She turned back to Kate, who was watching them, smiling and biting her lip. They made such a nice picture. "How are you, Kate?"

"I'm good, Alexis," Kate said, still a bit shocked by the entire exchange. "And how are you, now that you're the right way up?"

"I'm good!" she beamed. "Daddy took me and Paige to the park after school."

"Is Paige a friend?"

"She's my best friend," Alexis grinned. Kate glanced at Rick, who was mouthing 'inseparable.' "We do almost everything together."

"Sounds like a best friend to me," Kate replied. She and Maddy had been like that as kids. "What did you do at the park?"

"We chased pigeons."

"Really?" Had she ever done that? She couldn't remember. She must have. It's what city kids did.

"Daddy chased the most."

Oh really? Kate looked at Rick, who was now studiously stirring something in a pot. "Did he now?"

"Uh-huh. He made big noises and everyone looked at him funny. It was embarrassing," Alexis told her, looking put upon.

"I'd imagine it would be," Kate laughed. That mental image was priceless. "Put on quite a show, did you?"

He turned a calm face on her. "Do you need to make a pit stop in the office?"

Kate smiled—defense masked in concern, how crafty. "Yeah, actually."

"Alexis, would you put out silverware, please? We'll be right back."

Alexis happily obliged and Rick led Kate back and into the office.

"Thanks for remembering," Kate said while he opened the safe and she took off her gun and badge. The room was messier today, with pages all over the huge desk and a few strange strings with hanging pages, held up with clothespins. She supposed Rick might be too good for the old corkboard stereotype. But this was just weird.

He took the gun and badge from her and locked them up. "Not a problem. I'm gonna enjoy doing that." He stood and led her back out of the room before she was able to ask about the pages.

Kate shook her head. "As much as you enjoy chasing pigeons?" she asked as they stepped into the kitchen, deciding to focus on the task at hand: teasing the big, bad Richard Castle, pigeon chaser extraordinaire.

Rick shrugged and walked around to turn the burners off. "Dinner is served, and I regret nothing; those girls laughed for ages. I don't know why you were embarrassed."

"Because it was silly, Daddy," Alexis explained, keeping up as they took their seats and Rick began serving spaghetti.

"I hope this is okay," he said as he gave Kate a generous portion. "We only have a certain number of options," he glanced at Alexis.

Kate smiled. "Homemade food is good in all forms. This looks delicious. What kind of sauce?" It smelled amazing, and if last week's dinner was any indication, she would probably love everything he made.

"The real kind," Alexis replied. "Daddy doesn't make canned sauce."

"Are you a culinary, Mr. Castle?" Kate asked as she stood and spooned sauce while he put the pot back on the stove. "Tell me when, Alexis."

"When!"

Kate stopped pouring and moved to her own pile of spaghetti. Homemade sauce—what a surprise. She supposed he'd put that on the pizza too, but this was different. She'd always found sauce to be the most difficult thing, because you could ruin it so easily, and she usually did.

"I like to dabble," Rick replied as he came back to the table. "Oh, thanks. That's good," he added as she ladled sauce for him too.

She sat down and they happily began eating. The sauce was amazing. It had nothing of the metallic tang she was used to. And there were actual tomato chunks. When was the last time she'd even eaten a piece of tomato? "Rick, this is fantastic."

"You think so?"

"Yeah," she said, happily taking another large bite.

"Daddy makes it the best. Gram doesn't," Alexis added.

"Yes, Grandma does tend to be too, shall we say, creative in the kitchen," Rick smirked.

"It tasted like feet, Daddy. That's not creative; it's bad."

Rick laughed. "She's right."

"I can't make sauce," Kate said. "So I'll take your word for it. But this is really delicious."

Rick considered her as she wiped a wayward bit of red from her cheek. "Do you cook much?"

She shrugged. "What is much, really?" If 'much' counted as 'almost never' then yes, she cooked.

He grinned. "Take-out queen, are you?"

"I like take-out," Alexis interjected. "I like the pancakes from the Chinese restaurant."

"Chinese pancakes?" Kate asked, too thrown by the idea to bother dealing with the look Rick was shooting her about her lack of home-cooked food intake. At least she'd gone out and gotten real food last week.

"Scallion Pancakes," Rick explained. "She loves them."

"Those and the noodles," Alexis nodded. "We do that every week."

"I like the noodles too," Kate told her. "But I also like the mu shu pork." Chinese nights at the station were her absolute favorite, even if they did leave her a little over-full and a bit bloated the next day.

"Ick," Alexis grimaced.

Rick laughed while Kate smiled at her honesty. "That's not nice, Lexi. Kate might not like all of your favorite foods, but I doubt she'd say they were icky."

"Sorry, Kate," Alexis said quickly.

"It's okay, Alexis. What are your favorites, Rick?" she asked, turning to look at him as he slurped a noodle into his mouth.

"I'm a big fan of the mu shu as well, and spare ribs," he said, holding a hand in front of his mouth. She wondered if his table manners were quite so good without his daughter around.

"You'd get along with Esposito," Kate smiled. "He inhales them."

"Who's Esposito?" Alexis asked.

"He's my…teammate? We're paired for most things at the Precinct." The terminology was as hazy as their relationship—caught between amicable and playfully contentious.

"Teammate, not partner?" asked Rick.

Kate wrinkled her nose. "I think I'd have to kill myself before Esposito becomes my partner. He needs a buddy, not a mom."

"Is he your age, Kate?" Alexis asked.

"He's a year younger than me," Kate replied. "But it seems like five, sometimes," she added with a sigh, part for effect, and part for the fact that it was true.

"I know how that feels," the girl nodded.

"You do?"

"That's how Daddy is."

Rick coughed as he choked on his drink and Kate laughed. "Oh, Rick, you don't stand a chance with her, do you?" Alexis definitely ran the room in his house, not that Rick seemed to mind.

"Nope," Alexis grinned. "Gram says I've had him…uh, wrapped around my little finger since day one."

Kate smiled at her. "That's okay. I was the same way with my Dad." She could smile and her father would cave into anything. She'd rarely used the power though, and then when they'd grown apart when she became a teenager, she'd missed the days when a smile could make anything go away.

"I'll bet," Rick muttered.

"Quiet, Pigeon Man," Kate admonished with a grin.

"Oh, come on. Not that. _Anything_ but that," he whined in a rather impressive display of petulance.

"But I think it has such a charming ring to it, don't you Alexis?" she said, winking at the little girl.

Alexis giggled. "Yeah, Pigeon Man!"

"You can't gang up on me. That's completely unfair."

"Why?" Alexis asked sweetly.

Rick looked between them. "Because…because…you already gang up on me with your Gram. You can't have Kate too! I need someone on my side."

"Why would you ever assume I'd side with you?" Kate asked as she reached for a last piece of garlic bread, offering it to Alexis, who nodded. "It's girls together, Rick," she explained, splitting the piece down the middle and handing half across the table.

"I wanted bread too," he whined.

Alexis smirked. "Girls together, Daddy."

"And you're being awfully childish," Kate added with a laugh, popping a piece of bread into her mouth. Teasing him was too much fun by twice.

Rick glared at her. "I invite you into my home. I feed you my food. And this is how you repay me? Stealing the last roll and gaining the allegiance of my child?"

Kate pretended to consider his statement. "Yeah, that about sums it up."

He narrowed his eyes. "I will get you back."

"Good luck with that," Kate replied, laughing as Alexis attempted to imitate their glare off.

"I'm cleaning up," he announced, chuckling at his daughter. "You two go find something to do until dessert. Though, again, I don't feel that I should reward this kind of behavior."

"It was all Kate's idea," Alexis said quickly.

"See how easily they turn on you?" Rick asked Kate, raising an eyebrow.

"Only because you played dirty with sugar," she fired back. Oh, wow, that was…dirty.

He blinked. "I have so many responses to that, and none of them are appropriate right now."

Kate laughed. She hadn't meant to give him that opportunity. Then again, it seemed like she was winning tonight, and she was certainly enjoying the competition. And the little looks he kept sending her weren't bad either. "Come on, Alexis. Let's leave your father to the dishes."

Alexis nodded and hopped up while Kate stacked the plates and brought them to the counter. She watched as Alexis ran over and hugged Rick from behind, bumping her head into the small of his back.

"I love you, Daddy. Even if Kate says it's girls together," she whispered—as quietly as seven-year-olds ever whisper.

Rick smiled and met Kate's eyes. Kate felt her own smile tugging at her lips as Rick turned and lifted Alexis up to plant a messy kiss to her cheek. She missed that—missed her father. It was wonderful to watch Rick and Alexis together, but it pulled on her heart.

"Love you too, Pumpkin," he said quietly.

Alexis beamed and giggled as he set her down. She scurried over to Kate and took her hand. "Do you wanna see the solar system Daddy and I are building?"

"You're building the solar system?" Kate asked, surprised.

Alexis nodded and began to lead her up the stairs, her small hand warm in Kate's. "We'll be back, Daddy."

"Take your time," he called to them.

Kate let Alexis guide her around the second floor and down the hall to what appeared to be another study. She hadn't really appreciated just how huge the loft was the last time she'd been here. It was enormous. The second floor must have at least five rooms. Her own apartment had only one bedroom, and even it was considered big. The living room alone made it prime real estate, and she was lucky to have found it and gotten in with rent control.

Alexis brought her into the study and Kate smiled at the mess that greeted her. There were paper mache spheres scattered all over the room. Newspaper covered the floor and there were unopened cans of paint along the far wall, sitting in a stack against a mahogany desk. Posters of the planets covered the full bookcases that lined the walls and Kate spotted a set of instructions on the oddly clean desk.

"So, where are you going to put this solar system? The planets are big," she remarked, looking around at the different planets, some painted and others rough and white, drying and waiting for the artistic touch of two very ambitious Castles. She'd built some impressive dioramas as a kid, but nothing so elaborate as this.

"They're scale models," Alexis told her. "That's Earth," she said, pointing to the third planet on the right. "Well, that will be Earth, when we paint it."

"When are you painting the rest of them?" Kate asked.

"Whenever we get time," she shrugged. "It's just for fun."

"You two built scale models of the entire solar system for fun?" Richard Castle, pigeon chasing extraordinaire and super father—she needed to stop being surprised, but she couldn't help it. How many layers did the man have?

Alexis grinned up at her. "We're gonna hang them in my room and then Daddy says we can make the Milky Way in the background with glow stars."

Kate was a little taken aback. Obviously, Rick was a good Dad. Alexis was rather evident proof of that. And the twinkle lights and never-ending patience for movies he'd seen a million times were pretty good indicators as well. But they were making a solar system. That was…it was very…hell, Kate wasn't too old to say that it was cool.

"That's very cool, Alexis. How long have you been working on it?"

"A couple weeks," she replied, releasing Kate's hand to step gingerly onto the newspaper. She walked over to one of the balls and poked it gently. "We can probably paint again in a day or two. The last ones had to dry."

"This looks like a lot of fun," Kate offered quietly. It did; she'd loved projects as a kid, and this was project heaven.

"It is," Alexis told her. "Daddy always has the best projects."

"Like what?" Kate asked as Alexis walked past her and out of the room. Kate turned out the lights and followed her back down the long white hall, lined with framed book jackets and autographed posters.

"We made fairy wings last month and Daddy found a recipe for fairy cakes so me and Paige could go to the park and leave some for the fairies," Alexis recounted happily.

She went into her bedroom and Kate followed, trying to imagine the big, manly Rick Castle wearing a crown and fairy wings. It was an entertaining mental picture. She entered the room and watched as Alexis rummaged in her closet, pulling out a set of very well made, yet obviously homemade fairy wings. Purple and made of what looked like crinoline fabric, the wings shimmered in the light and cast little sparkles over the plush lilac carpet.

"We added fairy dust and everything," she explained, bringing them and a crown over. "Daddy did the glitter, but I got to make the crown."

Kate reached out and ran her fingers over the wings as Alexis held them out for her to examine. "They're lovely, Alexis. Did you see any fairies in the park?"

Alexis narrowed her eyes. "Fairies aren't _real_, Kate."

"But you said you brought them cakes," she said innocently.

"We did, but it was pretend, you know?" She gave a put-upon sigh. "Daddy always tries to make me believe in everything. But some stuff just doesn't exist," she said patiently. "Are you like Daddy?"

"Am I like your Daddy, how?" she hedged, wondering what Alexis was getting at.

Alexis placed the wings back into her closet. "Do you believe in kid stuff?"

"Like what?" Kid stuff could cover any number of categories.

"Like fairies and magic and happily ever after?"

Kate considered the little girl in front of her. She had her hands on her hips, braided pigtails swinging down to her chest and a calculating look on her face. This was a little girl whose parents had gotten divorced, relatively recently, and whose mother, from all accounts, was less than perfect.

Did she believe in magic? No. Did she believe in happily ever after? No. Not really. Did she believe in finding your way back from tragedy and learning to be happy? Yes.

"I think you make your own happily ever after," Kate replied slowly. "I think you make your own magic, and I think that whatever you believe in is very real, whether or not other people say it is."

Alexis stared at her for a moment before she smiled and pranced over to wrap her arms around Kate in a surprise hug. "Thanks."

"For what?" Kate asked, startled and touched and confused by it all.

"For telling the truth. Sometimes Daddy doesn't even do that."

Kate looked down at the little girl and smiled. "I'll always tell you the truth, the best that I can." The promise flowed from her lips without a second thought. It was what her mother had always told her. She didn't know if Johanna had ever broken that promise to protect her, but it had made her feel safe all the way through her childhood, because the truth couldn't really hurt you; it could only help.

Alexis just hugged her tighter after a moment, and Kate felt both overwhelmed and comforted by the easy trust the girl placed in her. Terrifying and wonderful—wasn't that what her mother had told her children were?

Rick's voice broke her out of her thoughts as he yelled up the stairwell. "I'm hungry!"

Kate laughed and Alexis released her to take her outstretched hand. "Let's go let your dad eat dessert, or he may never survive."

"Daddy's so dramatic," Alexis giggled as they made their way down to the kitchen. "He's always loud and pretending to die."

"Not always," Rick countered as he met them at the table, three bowls set out for them with large glasses of milk. "Sometimes I'm only injured."

"Or taped up in a closet," Kate added.

"Or that," he laughed a bit self-consciously. "But, that aside. I hope you like cookie cake?"

Kate looked at the concoction before her and blinked. It looked like a giant chocolate chip cookie, but was obviously a bit different and had whipped cream all over it. "I, uh, haven't ever had cookie cake before."

"You haven't?" Alexis gasped. "Really?"

"I don't get to eat dessert all that much," Kate replied. "But this looks good…underneath the blanket of whipped cream." She'd need to start working out more if this was what all dinners with the Castles would be like.

"But the whipped cream is the best part!" Rick protested. "You can never have too much whipped cream."

Kate glanced over at him and their eyes met. She felt herself blush and Rick's eyes widened as their minds went straight to the gutter, leaving the oblivious Alexis behind.

"Uh, sure. Whatever you say, Rick," Kate said after a moment. She looked back at her bowl and steeled herself, taking a piece onto her fork and bringing it to her mouth. "Oh, wow. That's great!" she said as she swallowed. It tasted exactly as it looked. It toed the line between sickeningly sweet and deliciously decadent, like chocolate chip cookies dipped in cake batter. And it was delicious.

"You like it?"

"Like isn't strong enough. I love it," she said happily. "This is amazing."

"It's Daddy's recipe."

"Would you be willing to part with said recipe?" Kate asked, looking over at him. He'd already demolished half of his piece.

"Well, I might be. But it will cost you."

"Cost me what?" she asked, narrowing her eyes.

"Alexis, do you have any suggestions?" Rick asked while Kate scowled at him.

Alexis pondered for a moment, taking a big bite of her cake. "She has to come skating with us next week."

Rick grinned and turned back to Kate. "There you have it."

"When next week? Don't you have school, Alexis?" Kate asked. She wasn't wholly against the idea, just…well, her skates were…embarrassing—on par with chasing pigeons embarrassing. And they'd only had two dinners together.

"Next week is Christmas Break, Kate," Alexis said slowly, as if Kate were rather dumb for not knowing that.

"Already?" Kate asked, turning to Rick. "So early?" Had she gotten out that early? She couldn't have; she'd done public school until high school, and breaks were never that long.

"Private school," he replied. "You pay more, you get less. It's odd. But it means that I get her all the time for longer, so I don't complain," he grinned, holding out his hand for Alexis, who tapped it with her own in an odd handshake.

"So we're going skating next week," Alexis said once they'd finished their little hand thing. "And if you want the recipe, you have to come."

The little sneaks, the two of them! Kate looked between father and daughter and wasn't quite sure of herself. She liked skating. She wasn't bad at it. And she hadn't been in a while. Alexis looked expectant and Rick looked like he actually wanted her to come, if the twinkle in his eye and triumphant smile he was wearing were any indication. What would it hurt? Skating sounded fun enough. And she was sure the pleasure of watching Richard Castle fall down on his ass would be worth it, regardless.

"I would be happy to come skating with you, Alexis. Though, if you're going…I mean, I have work," she said softly.

"Your day off is Tuesday, right?" Rick asked.

"It is."

"So, how 'bout next week we have lunch and go skating, instead of having dinner?"

Her being there for dinner next Monday was already a given. Should that bother her? She'd agreed to be in Alexis' life, odd as that conversation _still_ was to remember. So, she supposed that it made sense that he just assumed she'd be there. Was she okay with that?

"Can we go to Mars2112?" Alexis asked. "It's so cool, Kate. It's all a space ship and aliens serve you your food!"

Kate blinked. "Um, I guess? Where's that?" It fell from her mouth before she could stop it.

"You've never been to Mars2112?" Rick asked, aghast, his grin stretching from ear to ear. Oh, she'd just agreed to go, hadn't she?

"I haven't really toured the space-related food joints of our fair city, no," she replied. Apparently, they were going to lunch and then going skating. Huh.

"Well, then we'll have to take you there. It's awesome."

Kate considered him. "Why do I get the feeling that you like it even more than her?"

He just smiled. "Meet us here at noon and we'll head over?"

Saying no wasn't really an option at this point, and they both looked so excited that she really didn't have the heart to anyway. She'd still have the morning to sleep, and the evening to relax; she wouldn't lose the whole day. And she'd have Monday night. The boys at the Precinct could bite her for skipping out 'early.' She'd relax and do her bath that night.

Tuesday, apparently, was going to the Castles. "That sounds great."


	6. Chapter 6

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Hahahaha. Yeah. No.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: If you saw my note on Tumblr, this got **_**long**_**. But, there's nothing in here that I'm willing to sacrifice, so, I hope you enjoy it. **

**As another note, THANK YOU GUYS for being so amazing. Honestly. I've never gotten so many reviews for any one chapter, ever. Thank you. I just…it's astounding and you're wonderful and I love you.**

**And with that! On with the story!**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 6:<strong>

"Beckett," Kate said into the phone as she closed the door to her apartment.

"Hi, Katie," came the quiet response.

"Oh, hi, Dad," Kate replied as she stopped moving. She hadn't heard from him in a month. Her call on Thanksgiving had gone unanswered. She'd brushed it off and kept moving. He wasn't always great about calling back, which made the responding call almost two weeks later absolutely normal. "How are you?"

"I'm good, Katie. How are you?"

Kate gave a mental sigh and jostled herself out of her jacket. "I'm good, Dad. Just got home from work."

"You have your day off tomorrow, right? That must be nice," he commented as she unholstered her gun and put it away, turning to survey her apartment.

The space was messy. She'd been blowing in and out all week, fitting in time to see Madison and Lanie without really bothering to take care of her home. There was take-out in the trash and it smelled like rotten Thai food. Delightful. The table was strewn with mail and various papers she'd pilfered from the station, trying to piece the murder together on her own. She'd been close this time.

"My…yeah, I have my day off tomorrow," Kate replied. She padded over to the kitchen and pressed the phone to her ear with her shoulder so she could tie the trash bag closed. Then she reached up and found the Lysol, spraying some into the air to mask the stench, while she waited for her father to say something. She wasn't going to initiate this time.

"Doing anything fun?" he asked. This is what they'd been reduced to? Small talk about her day off? Great. Just great.

"I'm…" Huh. Should she tell him about going skating? Did she want to let him into her life like that? He knew she had friends. He'd known she was dating Will. But, with the drinking, and the missed AA meetings and showing up toasted to her last dinner, she wasn't really inclined to open up again. She couldn't keep catching him. She needed to be the kid sometimes.

"I'm going skating with friends," she told him. That was broad enough.

"Will going with you?"

Kate sat down at her table and stared at Will's chair. She couldn't quite get herself to think of it as just a chair yet. She had managed to start sleeping in the middle of the bed though, so that was something.

"Uh, no, he's not," Kate said quietly.

"Everything okay, Katie?" he sounded concerned.

"I…" But he was her Dad, right? He was her Dad and she could tell him she'd broken up with her boyfriend. She could do that. It wouldn't open too much for him to see. "Will and I broke up, Dad."

"Oh, Katie. I'm so sorry, Sweetheart."

So was she. "Thanks, Dad."

"Are you…do you want me to come over? Are you okay?"

Kate felt her self smile, just slightly. Yeah, he was still her Dad. Under the alcohol and depression, he was there somewhere. "No, Daddy, I'm okay. Thank you, though."

"Alright, well, you'll let me know if you change your mind?"

Kate bobbed her head and toyed with the edge of a bill on the table. She'd have to get to those tomorrow or Wednesday. "I will, Dad."

"I have to go. I wanted to check up on you, but I'm—you'll be proud of me, Katie. I'm going to an AA meeting."

"That's great, Dad," she replied enthusiastically, while in her head she rolled her eyes. He did this every few weeks—told her proudly how he was on the bandwagon, only to fall off again a week later. "I'm glad."

"I've got a sponsor and everything. Haven't missed a meeting in weeks."

"I'm proud of you," she told him. It was what he needed to hear. And whether or not she was wasn't important, right? That's what the therapist had said. She didn't need to do much, just…just support him along.

"So, I need to go. But, you're sure you're alright, Katie?"

"I am, Dad. Go to your meeting. Have a good time."

"Okay. Night, Katie."

"Night, Dad."

The phone went dead and Kate stared around, pushing the worry about her father from her mind. She needed something to focus on. The kitchen still smelled; the Lysol wasn't _that_ good. She sighed and stood, cracking her tired back and smoothing her grey button-down. She walked over and lifted the trash out of the can and hastily made her way to the door. She slipped on flats, grabbed her keys, and scurried down the hall to the trash chute, dumping the bag down with a smile. There, she could take care of herself.

She walked back to her apartment, ignoring the music from the apartment next door. She didn't really mind it, but if she stayed in the hall too long, Gary, her neighbor across the hall, would come out and drag her into a long conversation about how inconsiderate Jon was for playing music that loud. And those conversations always gave her a headache. So she unlocked her apartment and slipped inside.

She stood in her front hall for a moment. The week had been hectic. The holidays were coming and, like every year, criminals and murderers and malcontents came out of the woodwork to give the NYPD its regular Christmas bonus. Kate had trudged through slush and sleet, trash and snow, malls and stores, collecting evidence, taking testimony and following small leads. They'd closed two cases, which was great. Montgomery had personally thanked her for spotting the clothing fibers on the top of the fence in the alley on Friday. It had helped them ID the type of suit their killer was wearing, and from there, they'd found traffic capture footage that gave them a partial face.

So Kate considered it a successful week. Even Jacobs, the hardest of the bunch, who wasn't so happy to have her there, spotting things before he did, managed to give her a smile. Maybe he'd even manage words before the year was out. Kate snorted and made her way back to the kitchen, opening the fridge to pull out the pasta she'd made earlier in the week. The day Jacobs said 'good morning' to her would be the day pigs flew. Such a misogynist.

She threw the container into the microwave and found a glass, filling it with juice. It wasn't decadent, and it wasn't homemade tomato sauce, but it was food, and she needed to eat at some point.

She poured the pasta into a bowl when it was done and took her meal to the couch, settling in and turning on her television. She'd eat, watch something stupid and light, and then take a bath. Lanie might be hitting the town, but Kate just wanted a quiet night. Tomorrow was bound to be loud enough as it was.

She watched an old episode of _Friends_ almost absently. Thoughts about her father crept back in like spiders through a crack in the wall. He wouldn't stay walled up with her mother and Will. A few weeks—maybe he'd do it, this time. Maybe he'd really clean up and she could have her father back. She sighed and plopped her empty bowl onto the coffee table, snuggling down under her blanket. She was a big girl. She'd been taking good care of herself for a few years now. She didn't _need_ her father.

But oh, she missed him. She missed chatting with him over Sunday brunch, waiting for her mother in their favorite diner. She missed the way his eyes crinkled when he smiled. He rarely smiled anymore. And when he did, it was a drunken, sunken, defeated smile. She'd gotten therapy, cleaned herself up, gotten a good job—she'd fixed herself. Why couldn't he?

She lay there for a solid hour, just letting the sound from the TV wash over her as she sulked. She wasn't above admitting it. She was sulking. She hadn't expected him to call her back on Thanksgiving, and drinks with Lanie had been nice anyway. But, well, he was her father. The holidays didn't quite seem the same anymore, not without _both_ of her parents.

She understood it. She did. She'd lost her mother. But he'd lost his wife, the love of his life, his everything. And he…he wasn't as strong as she was. And maybe that was the hardest part of it to swallow. She hadn't expected to be the parent to her father when she was twenty. Life wasn't supposed to work that way.

But, then again, your mother wasn't supposed to be murdered, and nice socialites weren't supposed to become cops.

Kate shook her head and stood up. Bath time. She needed to relax and get out of this funk, or she'd never have the energy to traipse around with Rick and Alexis tomorrow. She smiled at the thought and then frowned. How was it so easy for just the thought of that little girl to make her smile? _Friends_ was funny, but it didn't make her smile like that.

But that's why she'd agreed to do this—to be friends with them. They made her smile. Rick was hysterical and fun and…well, the handsome part wasn't bad either. Kate shrugged. She wasn't looking for that from Rick, right?

She brought her dishes into the kitchen and her eyes fell back to Will's chair. No, she wasn't looking for a boyfriend right now. And no matter how handsome, charming and lovely Rick Castle was, she wasn't ready to dive into another relationship, just to have her heart ripped out. They'd be friends. She hadn't had a guy friend in ages, and this one came well equipped with a delightful little tag-along, who was almost more fun than the man himself.

Plus, they could still flirt. That was kosher. Kate dumped the dishes into the sink and then turned and made her way to the bathroom. The bath would relax her, and then maybe she'd get a decent night's sleep. If she could clear her mind for long enough to nod off, she should. She certainly needed it.

…

The next morning, Kate stood in a bra and jeans with her hands on her hips. Her closet was a sea of turtlenecks and long-sleeved sweaters. That was fine, since it was winter, though she'd have to do some serious shopping come spring. The problem now was that she had too many options. Go with a vee-neck and a scarf? Turtleneck and a vest? What was appropriate? It wasn't a _date_, but she still wanted to look nice. Maddy'd mentioned that she looked really good in blue.

Kate reached in and pulled out a deep cobalt turtleneck. She threw it on and then sat down at her armoire to do her make up. Nothing too heavy—still not a date—but at least foundation and concealer, to mask the bags under her eyes. She hadn't actually ended up getting that much sleep. It was fine. She didn't need it. But Rick and Alexis didn't need to know about it.

She finished, tying her hair in a ponytail, a luxury she didn't often give herself. It was dangerous to leave your hair back; someone could take you down extremely easily, just by pulling on your hair. But, skating with hair in your face was just as dangerous, so she happily tied it back. She glanced at her reflection and was surprised by how young and almost carefree she looked. With light makeup, a ponytail and a smile, she almost looked twenty again

She stood and moved away from the mirror and to her closet, far away from anything reflective. Well, most things, at least—the neon skates she pulled from the bottom of her shoe chest certainly shone in the light. Kate held them up and bit her lip. They were awesome. They were. They weren't embarrassing, or bright green, or…she was really going to go meet up with Rick and Alexis with _these_?

She studied the skates. They were broken-in, but not in the least bit broken down. They were flashy, yes, but they were kind of cool. Alexis would probably love them, and Rick…well, he could just tell her more about playing fairies and chasing pigeons. She still came out on top. Though, the daughter angle did earn him points.

Kate glanced at the clock and realized that she was out of time. She threw the skates into a backpack, along with another scarf, and a pair of mittens. Then she grabbed her keys and phone, donned a thick black pea coat and pulled on a grey knit ear warmer. She locked up and hit the elevator, riding down to the lobby, her leg jittering and her fingers worrying the sleeve of her coat. It would be fun. They'd have fun.

It was flurrying when she stepped out of the building and Kate smiled up at the sky. New York was pretty in the winter, when she wasn't trudging through alleys and climbing through slush. The city sparkled. It didn't smell as much in the winter and everyone seemed either cheery or too busy to bother being belligerent. Or, maybe that was just because she was on her day off. The criminals were certainly belligerent enough during the normal week.

Kate hailed a cab and got in, not caring to drive in the noontime traffic. She gave the cabbie Rick's address and then sat back, watching everything pass by, a luxury she didn't often indulge. She was happy to be thoughtless, just staring out the window until they arrived. She paid and then hopped out and hustled into the building against the wind. It was lovely and snowy and pretty, but the wind was harsh.

Ever opulent, Kate admired her surroundings as she walked through the building and into the elevator. They were very normal, the Castles, and it was hard to remember sometimes that they were loaded, when Alexis was telling her about special projects and Rick was excitedly recounting a video game victory. But she really was about to spend the day with Richard Castle, bestselling novelist, and his daughter. Her life was crazy. That was all there was to it.

Kate reached their floor and walked to the door. She rang the bell and adjusted the bag over her shoulder, listening to the sounds of chatter on the other side.

"Come on, Daddy. Hurry up!" Alexis called.

Kate shook her head and bit back a smile as purposefully heavy footfalls made their way to the door. They were ridiculous.

"Well hello, Miss Kate. How are you today?" Rick asked as he opened the door. He was wearing a deep red sweater and jeans and gave her a thousand watt smile while Alexis peeked around his hip.

"I'm doing well, and yourselves?" she asked, giving Alexis a little wave.

"We're good! But Daddy took forever to get ready!"

Kate chuckled and met Rick's gaze. "I didn't. She's exaggerating."

"I doubt that," Kate replied, stepping inside as he ushered her in.

Alexis looked adorable. She was wearing a puffy purple jacket and cute jeans with embroidered flowers, and a little blue cap sat on top of her head. She was the picture of childhood at wintertime.

"I like your jacket, Alexis," Kate told her while Rick put on his own pea coat and grabbed a hat and mittens.

"Thank you," Alexis grinned, hopping in excitement. "I like yours too!"

Kate smiled at her. "It's just a black pea coat."

"It's a very fetching black pea coat," Rick interjected as he scooped up their bag. "Now, shall we? We'll want to get there soon, so the line's not long."

"Line?" Kate asked as she allowed them shoo her back out of the apartment. They moved fast, the Castles.

"There's always a line at Mars2112," Rick told her as Alexis grabbed her hand.

"We wanna go on the ride, right Daddy?"

"Right," he nodded, pushing the button for the elevator.

"Daddy, what's fetching mean?"

Kate grinned and looked at Rick, squeezing Alexis' hand. "Yeah, Rick. Explain that one to us."

He glared at her for a moment. "It was a compliment. Fetching means pretty, Alexis."

"Oh," she bobbed her head. "Do you think Kate's pretty?"

Kate felt her eyes widen and let her grin fall as the elevator opened and they stepped inside. It was cute, but, oh, Alexis, this was so not the time for that.

"Of course," Rick said easily. "Kate's very pretty."

"I think so too," Alexis beamed.

"Um, thank you, guys," Kate stammered. They moved fast and they were confusing as hell, the Castles. "Wait," her brain caught back up. "Ride?"

"Yeah," Rick said excitedly. "There's a space shuttle ride into the restaurant. It's awesome. You'll love it."

The doors opened and Alexis pulled her out as they followed Rick to the entrance to the building. Everyone watched them go, grinning at them. The doorman practically beamed as they left and then Rick looked around for a moment. Kate was still trying to figure out what on earth a space shuttle ride into a restaurant would entail, and why they had to go on one.

But then she was being dragged to a town car. They were going out for the day in Richard Castle's town car. She stared as Alexis hopped in.

"After you," Rick said kindly, gesturing for her to get in before him.

"I…"

"It's no big deal," he replied, laughing. "We'll actually draw less attention this way."

She realized with a blink that he was wearing sunglasses and a hat. Was he targeted by the press? She hadn't even considered it.

"Oh, well, right," she stammered as she gave him a small smile and scooted in after Alexis.

"I like the town car," Alexis told her as Kate settled next to her. "It's smoother than the taxis."

"I've never ridden in one before," Kate admitted. "Do you do this a lot?"

Alexis nodded. "Daddy doesn't like to take cabs much. They stop too often, and sometimes people take pictures, or," she leaned closer and Kate leaned down to her, "sometimes, women storm the car."

"Really?" Kate asked as Rick slid in.

"Uh-huh. It's silly," Alexis informed her.

"What's silly?" Rick asked as they pulled away from the curb and Kate's mind reeled. Rick Castle was famous—really famous.

"When strange women sw..swarm you," Alexis replied.

Kate felt Rick stiffen a bit beside her. They were sitting close enough to brush shoulders, but not so close that they were squashed in the roomy, yet surprisingly understated town car.

"Oh, yes, Sweetheart, that _is_ silly."

"So that's why I like the town car, 'cause they don't in the town car, right?"

"Right, Pumpkin."

Kate looked over at Rick and found him frowning slightly.

"It's a very nice car," she offered.

He met her gaze. "Yeah. It's…it gets the job done, you know?"

"Sounds like it. I assume we won't have to worry about mobs of women at this Mars place?"

His smile returned and he met her gaze, bumping her shoulder with his. "Right you are, Detective Beckett."

She shook her head. "I'm not a Detective yet."

"But you will be," Alexis said confidently.

Kate looked down at her. "Thanks for the confidence, kid."

Alexis shrugged. "It's not like it's a surprise. You notice lots of stuff."

Kate just nodded and watched the city go by while Alexis and Rick bantered about the different types of aliens that lived on Mars. Rick voted for blue ones while Alexis asserted that, of course, they must be green. All Martians were green, like Marvin. Kate—Kate just smiled along, because well, what else could she do? They'd taken her in and somehow made her a part of their very strange little world. Her equilibrium was off balance and she was a bit shocked to find that they were already at Times Square when the car pulled over and Rick hopped out, extending a hand to her.

"Leave your stuff. You won't need your bag in there," he told her. Kate nodded and dropped her bag, happy that her wallet was in her jacket.

She took his hand and got out, returning the favor for Alexis, who took her hand happily and all but dragged her up the steps of a square that jutted up to a tall building. There was another set of stairs that led down into a courtyard that Kate had never seen before. And there, staring at her, was the gaudy entrance to Mars2112, bedecked with Aliens and space ships and flashing lights.

"Welcome to the most bizarre eating experience you've ever had," Rick told her. She turned her head and found him standing very close as they stopped in front of the restaurant. "Don't worry. You'll have fun."

"I'm sure," she replied.

"Well, come on!" Alexis exclaimed, breaking the moment. Were they having a moment? Kate couldn't quite tell.

Rick, to his credit, made no mention of their lack of personal space, and stayed scrunched up with them as they joined the queue for the "Spaceship Ride." There were a number of families ahead of them, with yelling children who were swinging under the barriers and fighting. Two boys were practically at fisticuffs and their parents were very calmly ignoring them.

Kate looked down at Alexis and smiled. She was waiting patiently, looking happy and dancing quietly in place.

"You excited?" Kate asked.

"Yeah," Alexis replied, turning her head to look up at her. "But this is _your_ first time."

"That it is," Kate replied. "Should I be frightened?"

"It _is_ loud the first time, right Daddy?"

Rick nodded. "But don't worry. I have a feeling Kate's made of tough stuff."

Kate let out a snort. "Really? Tough stuff?"

"Come on! You look at dead bodies all day. You're hardened."

"I'm not hardened!" she protested as they moved ahead in line, watching as a group of about sixteen people stepped through the big space bay doors under the sign. It looked remarkably like an actual spaceship, and Kate caught a glimpse of a set of theater seats on the inside before the doors slid shut, expelling a puff of 'smoke.'

"Okay, maybe hardened isn't the right term. You're…stoic."

"Richard Castle…"

"Shh!" both of them chorused.

Kate blinked. "Oh, I…sorry?"

Rick chuckled and placed a hand on her lower back as they stepped forward again. "No worries. It's just…well, don't do that if you don't want to see yourself all over Page Six tomorrow as Alexis Castle's New Mommy."

Alexis giggled while Kate stiffened. "She's not old enough to be my Mommy!"

"Are you saying I'm old?" Rick asked in mock horror.

Kate blew out a breath. It was just a saying. It didn't mean anything. And she wouldn't end up on Page Six, right?

"Yes, Daddy," Alexis replied.

"Are you hearing this? My own daughter is calling me old," Rick pouted.

Right, Rick and Alexis were still there. They weren't having a mild panic attack, and she needed to be present, not worrying about the press. "Well," Kate paused for a second. "I mean, you are older than me."

"By what, six years?" Rick asked indignantly.

"I don't know. How old are you?" Kate replied innocently.

He narrowed his eyes. "You already know, don't you?"

She didn't read his bio every time she bought a book. That was absurd. She didn't. Okay, she totally did, but he didn't need to know that. "I don't know why you think I would."

He considered her for a moment and opened his mouth to reply, but then there was a large alien stepping out of the bay doors, surrounded by smoke, and he was ushering them inside.

"Come on Kate! We wanna sit in the front," Alexis said hurriedly, pulling her up to the very front of the little theater. She sat down and Kate sat next to her in one of the red theater seats.

These moved, she realized, as she buckled in. "Why am I buckling in?" she asked, even as she leaned over to help Alexis tighten her seat belt. "What kind of ride is this?"

"And spoil the surprise?" Rick grinned to her left. "Not a chance."

"Alexis?" Kate asked.

"Nu-uh. I'm with Daddy. You'll just have to wait."

Kate huffed and looked at the front of the room, which was made up of a giant screen. It all looked like something of a cross between a private viewing booth and the loading bay of an actual spacecraft. It was tin silver and the walls had cross beams and faux bolts, and the seats were on some sort of platform. It was going to move and shake them up, wasn't it?

"Citizens of Earth!" A voice boomed over a loudspeaker as the doors slammed shut. "We welcome you to your shuttle flight to Mars. We suggest you hold on tight, sometimes landing can be a bit…bump…bump…" there was static and the voice cut out.

"Here we go!" Rick whispered as the floor beneath them began to shake.

The lights went out and the screen in front of them lit up, revealing a picture of the planet Mars that was getting closer by the second. The floor began to move more violently, and Kate's chair itself began shaking side to side as the image grew brighter until it appeared that they had become a ball of flames hurtling toward the ground.

"Please remain calm. We are about to crash! Hold on to your loved ones and careful of the creatures!"

Kate laughed and shrieked with Alexis and Rick as they were jostled around and bumped and the lights flashed and smoke poured from ducts at the corners of the ceiling. After a minute of raucous upset, the pod calmed and the lights gently came up.

Kate glanced at Alexis, who was grinning, and then at Rick, who, she was surprised to find, was holding her hand. Oh, she'd grabbed him. His hand was large under hers and he was beaming.

"You like it?"

"That was great," Kate laughed. All of her discomfort and worries had been shaken away. Who knew that this place existed? And what an odd way to get into a restaurant.

Alexis was unbuckled and extending her hand before Kate could shrug off the shock, and she stood, pulling Rick with her as the bay doors opened on the opposite side of the little theater. She followed Alexis out and they stood on the edge of a large room.

It looked like Mars. It genuinely did. Kate gasped as she looked around, taking in the huge 'rock' walls and bizarre purple-green lighting that shone from 'space ship' lamps that hung at random intervals over the floor and booths shaped like rock outcroppings. True to their tale, aliens walked among the tables carrying trays of food served on space platters and kids ran around with alien dolls and space helmets.

"Whaddya think?" Rick asked, his breath hot against her ear as he stumbled into her back, pushed by the yelling kids that had been in front of them.

"Those boys are rude," Alexis said quietly as they waited in line for a hostess.

"They'll pay. The aliens eat up children like them," Rick told her.

Alexis giggled and Kate laughed. "This is surreal."

"Right? Makes you wonder what we did to miss out on this as kids," he grinned.

"You mean in the stone age?" she quipped.

He glared at her. "You get one more old joke today. I suggest you save it for skating."

"Why? You planning to fall?"

"Yes," he said easily. "But I'll be well fed first. Ask for a booth, Sweetie."

Alexis looked up at the hostess with big eyes and charming little smile. "Could we please have a booth for three?"

The older woman looked down at her, obviously shocked by the calm, collected, polite request. "Of course you can," she smiled. "Emily, can you take this perfect family to the booth in the corner? And make sure Andrew's their server?"

Rick chuckled as the young blond seating hostess took three menus and led them toward the back of the restaurant, chatting to Alexis about her 'trip' to Mars while Rick and Kate trailed behind them.

"You'd think I'd have to use my name, but no; all that kid has to do is say 'please' and we get everything. It's astounding."

"Well, she's delightful. And people will go a long way for a smile in New York," Kate agreed. It was adorable—adorable enough even to keep her from really registering the family comment at all.

"Here you go," Emily told them, ushering them into a big, round booth. "Andrew will be with you in a minute, and here are your menus." She handed each of them a large, very colorful menu as Kate scooched in after Alexis, Rick bringing up the rear. "Enjoy your stay."

"Thanks, Emily!" Alexis replied.

The waitress smiled and left, whispering to a colleague as she hit the main floor. Both of them looked back at their table and Kate had to keep herself from smiling as she opened the expansive menu. And everything was Mars themed—shocker.

She giggled at the various descriptions of the 'Mars burger' and 'Martian fries,' with space greens for lettuce and traveler's blood for ketchup. It actually sounded pretty great.

"Are the burgers any good?"

Rick met her eyes. "Some of the best."

"Then I'm set," Kate smiled, closing her menu. "What are you having Alexis?"

"Martian tenders," she replied. "They come in alien shapes with traveler's blood and alien guts."

"Mustard sauce," Rick supplied.

"And you don't think that's gross?" Kate asked Alexis.

"Gross?" she spluttered. "It's awesome!"

Kate laughed. Fearless and cool, that's what Alexis was. _She_ was awesome. "High five," Kate said, extending a hand.

Alexis smacked it with gusto and beamed at her. "So you like it?"

"It's great," she replied honestly. "It's fun and strange and just very…Mars."

"Alexis was totally overwhelmed the first time we came," Rick told her.

"Daddy!"

"You were! She hid in my shoulder."

"I was three, Daddy," Alexis huffed. "And it was loud."

Rick laughed. "I'm not teasing, Pumpkin."

"Are too."

"Am not."

"Are too!" she glared.

"Guys," Kate shushed them as a pimply teen came over.

"Welcome to Mars2112," he said jovially. He was dressed in a Captain's uniform and gave them a large, toothy grin. "My name's Colonel Andrew Carter, and I'm here to take your orders on this lovely Martian day. What can I provide you with for refreshment?"

Rick and Kate looked to Alexis, who smiled shyly at the tall, gangly boy. "Can I have a Starship Shake, please?"

"Why certainly, fair human!" He replied. "And for the two of you?"

"I'll have a diet coke, please," Kate replied.

"And I'll have a coke float, please," Rick told him. "Nice uniform."

"Thanks," the kid grinned. "I just got promoted." He turned to look at Alexis. "I get to fly the ship now."

Alexis giggled and then Andrew whipped out a pad and jotted down their orders. "Are you ready to give me your coordinates for sustenance?"

"Can I have the Martian Tenders, please?" Alexis asked.

"Of course!"

"I'll have the Mars burger with fries, please, medium rare," Kate said as he turned to her.

"And I'll have the same, please, but rare?" Rick added.

"I'll have this out at the speed of light," Andrew told them. "Well, how 'bout sound, actually. The speed of light is awfully fast."

"Sounds good to us," Rick replied.

"To the kitchen!" and then the kid was running away, one arm extended in front of him, like he was Superman.

"He's funny," Alexis announced once he was gone. "And silly. He can't _actually_ fly a spaceship."

"You and your reality," Rick sighed. "She never lets me play along at all!" he told Kate with a whine.

"Well, that's because she's the sensible one. Isn't that right, Alexis?"

"Yep!"

"I don't like this ganging up thing you guys seem so fond of," Rick replied. "So I challenge you to a draw off."

"A draw off?" Kate asked, only then realizing that their tablecloth was actually made of paper, and there was a basket of crayons in the middle of the table. Alexis was already eagerly reaching toward it, and Kate pulled it toward them so she could grab it.

"First one to draw the most impressive space shuttle gets to pick dessert for the rest of the table."

"You're on," Alexis replied. "You game, Kate?"

Kate looked between them, two sets of blue eyes staring challengingly back at her. "Oh, it's on."

They each picked a crayon, pushed their menus to the other end of the table—super waiter had forgotten them—and sat poised, ready to draw.

"On your mark, get set, draw until the food arrives!" Rick announced.

Then it was a frenzy of scribbling. Kate couldn't remember the last time she'd colored at a restaurant. Hell, she couldn't remember the last time she'd done anything but doodle on an evidence pad. She found herself second guessing her original design a few minutes later though, when she glanced to her left and found that Rick had already drawn a spaceship, and was now working on a secondary fleet. Alexis, to her right, was still on her ship, but it had about eight wings and detailed hatches and levers. Kate's triangular two-winged model looked kind of sad in comparison.

"Don't stop, Kate," Alexis urged. "We still have at least five minutes. Maybe you can draw a landing dock."

Kate gave her a smile and turned back to her drawing. She wouldn't win, but this was oddly entertaining. They scribbled and sighed and cocked their heads until Andrew reappeared.

"Drawing contest?" he asked, balancing their platters with ease, an alien bringing up the rear with a basket of space-ship-shaped breadsticks.

"Yep," Rick replied, glancing up at him. "Wanna judge? Then we're impartial."

Andrew shrugged and placed all of the platters on the other end of the round table and then leaned over. "Red's. Definitely Red's."

"Ha!" Alexis exclaimed, throwing a fist into the air.

"Though, must say, man, yours is pretty intricate," Andrew acknowledged, eyeing Rick's forest of ships and crafts and hover cars. "Yours might be the most realistic, though," Andrew added, looking to Kate. "It definitely looks the most aerodynamic."

Kate's did look the most functional, she supposed. "But Alexis still wins."

"Oh, yeah. Definitely. Ready for food, victor?" he asked.

Alexis nodded, grinning, and giggled as Andrew made flight-landing noises as he passed her platter over. Rick and Kate didn't get the same treatment, and Kate was amused to note that Rick looked a little put out. Andrew left them with a bow and Kate turned to her platter, amazed at the size of it.

"One person can't possibly eat this much," she said. Alexis and Rick turned to her in disbelief, each raising a piece of food to his or her mouth. "Okay, I stand corrected," she conceded, laughing and Rick gave her a nod of consent and Alexis mumbled 'Yeah' around a chicken alien.

In the end, it was almost too much, but it was too good to pass up. Kate polished off the burger (which, despite the Martian name, was remarkably normal and completely delicious) and fries, and even had enough room for the Sundaes Alexis demanded they all get as her winnings.

She ate it all and with gusto. The fact that they were going skating and she could burn it off didn't figure into her plans at all. Not a bit. At the end of the meal, Rick wouldn't let her split, or contribute, or pay anything at all. She pleaded, she demanded, but he denied her.

"I'm picking up the skating charge, then," she told him as he led them out of the restaurant, a hand on the small of her back as they waved to Andrew, Alexis skipping ahead of them.

"Kate, we dragged you out," he muttered while Alexis stared around as they walked up the loading bay that led to the exit of the restaurant. "You shouldn't have to pay."

"I want to. Fair's fair. You got lunch; I've got skating. No arguments."

They glared at each other until he gave her a nod. "I get the next one, then," he grumbled while Alexis beckoned them to 'Go _faster_.'

Kate gave a non-committal shrug and allowed him to lead her up the stairs and back into the town car. The next one—there would be a next one, apparently. She slid in next to Alexis and Rick followed.

"It feels like forever since we've gone skating," Alexis said as they left the curb and entered traffic.

"It's been about two weeks, kiddo," Rick laughed as he rummaged around in his bag. "Aha!"

He pulled out a second set of sunglasses and passed them to Kate. "Um, thanks?" she replied, turning them over in her hands. They were lovely—large and stylish and certain to hide a bunch of your face. "Why?"

Rick was pulling his hat back on and placing his own shades on his face. "Anonymity. Alexis doesn't need it, because she's adorable, but you might want it in case someone notices us."

"Oh."

"Try them on, Kate!" Alexis giggled.

Kate obliged almost absently and slid the shades onto her face, turning to Alexis. "How do they look?"

"They look really good," Alexis beamed. "You look like a movie star!"

"Do I, now?" Kate laughed. She turned to Rick. "And you, sir?"

"I'm with the kid. You look like Audrey Hepburn, only with an ear warmer."

Kate blushed. "Thanks." She caught her reflection in Rick's glasses and had to admit it; she didn't look half bad. And, if they were going to keep her face off of Page Six, she'd wear them. She'd wear a snood if she needed to.

The car pulled up and Rick leaned down, grabbing both of their bags.

"I could carry…" Kate protested.

"Follow the bouncing purple girl and let me be gallant," he replied.

"I don't know if I find your chivalry charming or irritating," she told him as she stepped out after Alexis and took her hand.

"Find it charming; it'll save us both some pain," He grinned. "Now, come on. We've got another line to wait on."

They trooped down to Madison Square Garden and stood on the line. Kate looked around at the huge tree and twinkle lights and felt a pang. She'd come here with her mother a few weeks before…and they'd skated and she'd fallen on her butt so hard that she'd sat on a pillow for a week. She could still hear her mother laughing but trying to be kind as she helped her limp to the taxi they'd taken back to their apartment, instead of walking.

"Everything okay?" Rick asked quietly. Alexis was too caught up in watching a couple on the ice who were doing tricks to notice how quiet Kate had become.

"Oh, yeah," Kate replied, shaking her head a bit. "Just…memories."

"Good, bad?" he asked gently, slipping his hand into hers.

It felt like such a normal gesture and she squeezed his hand in thanks. "Both," she whispered.

"I'm sorry."

She met his eyes, well, sunglasses met sunglasses. "It's okay. I've been back before this. It's not…it's not terrible."

"We could go do something else," he suggested.

Alexis tugged on her other hand. "Did you see that?" she asked in awe. Kate glanced over at the ice and watched as the man lifted his partner above his head and spun around, the woman strong and fluid in his arms.

"And miss this?" she said to Rick, nodding to Alexis, who was bouncing beside them. "Not a chance."

He grinned. "Then, let's go," he smiled as the line moved and they got into the waiting area. "Come on, Alexis, let's find a bench and get your skates on."

Kate followed them over and sat down next to Alexis while Rick knelt and pulled out her skates. Alexis yanked her boots off and stuck out a socked foot for Rick, wiggling her toes in his face.

"I don't want to smell your feet, Lexi," he laughed as he grabbed her foot and stilled it. "They're icky."

"They are not!" Alexis replied. "Yours are."

Kate laughed and pulled her own boots off before hesitating for a moment. She really was about to pull out her neon skates here in public, wasn't she? But then Rick made a reindeer sound and Alexis laughed and laughed. Suddenly, it didn't seem to matter so much. She laced up and then turned back to them, only to find Rick staring at her feet, midway through doing up his own skates while Alexis swung hers back and forth.

"Problem?" Kate asked evenly as she shoved her boots into her bag.

"No…no problem," he replied, meeting her gaze. "Your skates are bright."

"And?"

"And nothing," he shrugged.

"Come on, Alexis," Kate said, standing and extending a hand to the girl. "Let's get these in a locker and go pay while your slow father finishes his boots."

"I'm almost done!" he protested as Alexis jumped up and took Kate's hand.

"Snooze you loose, Rick," Kate replied as they wobbled off. "Your Dad's ridiculous."

"And don't I know it," Alexis nodded sagely.

Kate laughed and put a few coins into a locker, removed the key and stuffed their bags inside, slipping the key into her jeans. They walked to the ticket booth and Kate bought three tickets. She could handle that; it was barely an expense.

The bell rang and the last group began filing off the ice while they stood next to the gate. Kate couldn't see Rick in the approaching crowd, and Alexis was nearly falling over in anticipation.

"Could you please hold this for the tall guy in a white cap and big sunglasses, with a black pea coat?" she asked the attendant with a smile.

The young guy nodded eagerly. "Sure thing."

"Thanks so much." He looked like she'd just made his day. Maybe being polite wasn't just a tool for Alexis to wield after all.

When the bell went off again, she let herself be dragged out onto the ice. Both of them shook a bit as they got their sea legs, but soon, Alexis was pulling Kate along.

"You're very good at this, Alexis," Kate remarked as the girl skated at her side with easy movements. "Very fluid for someone your age."

"I've been skating for forever," Alexis grinned. "I love it. Do you?"

Kate nodded. "Me too. I used to…we used to come here every Sunday when I was little."

"You did?"

"Uh-huh." Kate spotted Rick tripping over to them. "And my Dad used to wobble just like yours," she laughed as he reached them, puffing, his cheeks stained pink from the cold.

"You could have waited for me," he told them as he took Alexis' other hand. "I was like seven people behind you. Thanks for charming the attendant for me."

"Anytime," Kate laughed.

"You keeping up with this one?" he asked as he jerked his chin up. Kate nodded and together they lifted Alexis up and plopped her back down, to squeals of delight.

"Well, keeping up is a strong term," Kate replied, smiling down at Alexis. "She's pulling me, really."

"And I'm not even going fast!" Alexis said excitedly. "Wanna see me go fast?"

"Sure?" Kate asked.

"Okay. I'll be back!" she exclaimed. Then she promptly dropped their hands and sped off, whipping through the crowd with an accuracy that was both impressive and a little horrifying.

"Scary, right?" Rick asked as he skated over so that they were side by side.

"Yeah," Kate nodded. "Did you teach her?"

He nodded. "My mother can't skate to save her life, and _her_ mother…well, let's just say that I do have blackmail material if I ever need it."

Kate laughed. "You seem pretty good, once you get your balance."

"As do you, Green Lantern."

"Really?" she asked as she spotted Alexis coming up behind them. "Of all the superheroes, you have to go there?"

"Your skates are _neon_ green, Kate," he grinned, extending a hand back to catch the one Alexis extended to him on his left. He quickly grabbed Kate's hand as Alexis' momentum dragged him forward, pulling Kate with them. "Would you rather I call you the Wicked Witch?"

"I'd rather you didn't make fun of my very cool skates," she sniffed.

"I think they're awesome," Alexis told her.

"And I think you're very fast," Kate replied.

"I like going fast," she beamed. "Can I keep going, Daddy?"

"Sure, Pumpkin," he said. "Just keep checkin' in, kay?"

"Kay!" And she was off again.

"Sometimes she skates with me, but mostly, she just likes to fly," he said as they made another loop around the rink, hands still linked.

"She's wonderful," Kate replied, watching the little flash of red that peeked through the crowd as she zoomed around.

"Yeah," he smiled. Then he stumbled toward her as a horde of other kids swooped past. Kate grabbed onto his arm to stay up and they teetered for a moment until they found equilibrium again.

Rick reached down and tucked her arm into his. "So we don't get separated," he offered.

"Whatever you say," Kate replied. He was warm and solid beside her, and it was…it was nice.

"So, did you come here as a kid?" he asked.

"Every Sunday," she told him.

"That must have been fun."

She nodded and leaned into him as a larger couple passed them. "My parents loved it. And, well, I was a lot like Alexis."

"I can see you zipping around like that."

Kate laughed. "Gave my parents quite a scare a few times."

"Crashed and burned, huh?"

"Oh yeah," she laughed. She didn't need to tell him that she'd been 19 the last time she'd taken a really big fall. "But they thought it was cute."

"Do you…" he trailed off.

"What?" she asked.

"Do you see your Dad much?" he asked, glancing over at her.

Kate sucked in a breath. "Oh."

"You don't have to answer," he said hurriedly. "Just…forget I asked. Sorry."

"No, no," she squeezed the crook of his elbow. It might be nice to share with someone, especially in light of the conversation they'd had last night. And Rick…there was just something about him that was _comfortable_, in a way that even Will hadn't been. And it wasn't a romantic thing. He was just…what was it about him that made her want to share?

"He's…he took my mom's death hard. And we've…it hasn't been quite the same since."

"I'm sorry."

She nodded. "Me too. But, you know, people bounce back, right? He'll come out of it at some point."

"I'm sure he will," Rick told her. "If he's half as strong as you seem, I'm sure he will."

She looked at him. "You are charming, aren't you?"

He grinned. "Catching on?"

"Oh, just wait until I catch you, Richard Castle," she said quietly. It was all a little much all of a sudden. Then she spotted Alexis zooming by. "But first, you'll have to catch me, old man!" She released him and sped after his daughter, hearing him laugh behind her.

Baby steps. They'd take it in baby steps. And, as he caught her around the waist and they tumbled to the ice in a mess of limbs, Alexis giggling like crazy above them, Kate found that maybe, just maybe, she could deal with baby steps.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note II: So, Mars2112 is a real restaurant in New York City, near Times Square. I haven't been since I was just a bit older than Alexis. From the research I did for this, it turns out that the shuttle ride isn't really the same anymore. This chapter is based off of my memories of it as a kid, so, you know, don't take it for law or reality. I loved it though, and it totally seems like somewhere Rick Castle would take his kid.<strong>

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had a lot of fun writing it. **


	7. Chapter 7

**Title: Of Finding Innocence**

**Disclaimer: Hahahaha. Yeah. No.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: So, in place of a chapter of _Stand__ With__ Me_, I'm putting this up. I will get that chapter out to you guys sometime soon, but life's been a bit crazy and this is what I have.**

**I hope you like this chapter. It covers some substantial ground in a number of directions, and sets some things up that Kate will have to deal with as the story moves forward. Hope the Christmas theme can help keep everyone cool as the heatwave rolls out. It's raining here, which is lovely.**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 7:<strong>

"Okay, run this by me again. How, exactly, are you able to come shopping with me?" Madison asked as they turned the corner down 5th avenue, passing a group of carolers.

Kate dodged an older gentleman in a puffy red jacket and pulled her scarf tighter around her neck. The wind blew past, ruffling the pages the singers held and bringing with it the unmistakable smell of chestnuts from a street vender down the block.

"Egrin needed last night off to go to his wife's gala dinner, so I covered for him," she explained, wrinkling her nose. She hated chestnuts.

"Did you get any sleep at all? He pulls the night shift, right?"

Kate nodded. She'd slept about seven hours when she'd gotten home at six that morning, collapsing tiredly onto her bed in her uniform. Then she'd gotten up and met Maddy at 2:30, like they'd planned. "I slept. More than usual, actually," she added, trying to make it sound healthier than it was. No one ever seemed to approve of her pulling round-the-clock shifts. Funny.

"Yeah, being up all night tends to do that to you, crazy," Madison laughed, grabbing her elbow and steering her into a kid's shop Kate had never entered before. "Come on, I need to get my niece something since Brad's insisting on a full family meet up."

Kate raised an eyebrow. "I thought you liked your niece."

Madison turned to her guiltily as she dragged Kate down a doll isle, guiding them into a world of pinks and purples. It was almost too bright, too girly. Even as a child, Kate had never been one for dolls.

"I do like my niece. It's my sister-in-law that I can't stand. You know that."

"Yes." She'd heard about Kayla far too often, and in far too many negative ways to forget. "I do."

"I just…couldn't they visit _her_ family?"

"I thought they did that last year," Kate remarked as she lifted a Barbie off the shelf. This one could give birth. Literally, you could remove a tiny baby from its stomach and replace the flap, leaving Barbie with a perfect figure and a tiny, creepy little plastic baby. "This…this is kind of terrifying."

Madison took one look at it and snorted. "Oh, I'm so tempted."

"Madison! That's horrible! You'll scar her."

"Brad said she was into birth and babies," Madison shrugged, reaching for the box.

Kate held it out of reach. "I can't let you buy this. Friends don't let friends passive aggressively buy Christmas toys."

Madison narrowed her eyes but dropped her hand. Kate gave her a nod and put the disturbing doll back onto the shelf, turning the box around. It was just _wrong_. "Go for the ballerina. Didn't you say Shelby liked to dance?"

"How do you remember this stuff?" Madison asked as she scanned the barrage of boxes and colorful titles for a dancer. "I hardly remember what I told you about Michael an hour ago."

"I'm good at details," Kate shrugged, pointing to a box five shelves up. "There's your ballerina."

Madison grabbed the doll and turned back to Kate. "What would I do without you, Becks?"

Kate just smiled. "Starve and damage your relatives."

Madison gave her a shove and then they began walking back toward the front of the store. Kate looked around, watching the haggard parents flit in and out of aisles, some dragging kids behind them, or chasing after them. The store was loud, assaulting the eyes with all manner of colors, sounds, lights and trinkets. It made Kate rather relieved that she didn't have kids of her own, and didn't need to weather tens of trips to stores like this to find the perfect present.

They muscled their way to the line at the other side of the store and joined the throng. Kate glanced toward the counter and her eyes were drawn to a display of sea animals. The array was impressive, but Kate found herself looking to the farthest end of the group. Beneath an overly large beluga on a hanger hung a sea turtle.

"Mads, I've gotta grab something. Save my place?" Kate asked as Alexis' words floated through her mind.

"Becks?"

But Kate was already moving over to the display and reaching out for the sea turtle. It was lovely, green with a blue and aqua speckled shell. It was soft—almost unimaginably soft—and Kate was reminded of an old plush doggie she'd had as a child that was made from the same soft fabric. She lifted the tag and scanned the price. She could afford twenty bucks. That was reasonable, right? She turned the plushie over in her hands and smiled. It was definitely reasonable. This thing was adorable. Maybe she _did_ have a kid to go into these stores for after all.

She tucked the turtle under her elbow and fought her way back to the line at the counter, slipping in behind Madison. She staunchly ignored the grumbles from behind her. She _had_ been on line.

"What did you get?" Madison asked as they stepped forward. "And why are you buying something?" Kate opened her mouth to reply, but Maddy beat her to it. "Wait, is it for Castle's kid?"

"Alexis, is her name," Kate replied. "And yeah, it is, actually."

"What is it?" Kate held the toy up for Maddy to see. "That's your gift? A Sea Turtle?"

"Hey," Kate protested, fighting a smile. "Sea Turtles are awesome."

Madison shrugged. "It's cute."

"It's perfect," Kate replied. "I've been trying to figure out what to get her, and this is it."

"Why are you getting her something anyway?" Madison asked as they moved up again. "You've known them for like four weeks."

"So?" Kate asked. Alexis was a little kid. You got little kids presents.

"So, why do you need to get her something?"

"Because it's Christmas," Kate replied. "I get you presents."

"You've known me for forever," Madison countered. "And you better get me stuff."

"Thanks, Maddy. I can feel the love," Kate rolled her eyes. It wasn't so difficult. She wanted to get Alexis a Christmas present because she wanted…what did she want? Did she want to see her smile? Did she want to make her happy? Did she want to hear her giggle and receive a big hug? Did it really matter? Alexis was a kid, and a friend. You got your friends presents.

"You know what I mean," Madison waved her off. "We're friends."

"Alexis is my friend."

"Alexis is seven."

"And you're nearly half way to fifty," Kate replied. That should shut her up.

"You'll pay for that, Beckett."

Kate laughed. "Go. You're next," she said, giving Maddy a push toward the counter as the person in front of them walked away. She wasn't being ridiculous. And it was only twenty dollars. What was that?

The realistic side of her said that twenty dollars was three meals. The part of her that had smiled all the way through Wednesday because she'd had so much fun skating on Tuesday with the Castles said that those twenty dollars would make Alexis happy. And since she'd spent last night keeping track of two junkies and a Santa Claus who thought he could fly, she figured that she could listen to the optimistic side.

"Are you going to date this guy?" Maddy asked as they left the shop a few minutes later, both clutching their neon green bags as they wound through the heavy shopping traffic.

"Who?" Kate asked, craning her neck to make sure that a wayward cab wouldn't hit them as they raced across the street, beating the flashing hand to the other side.

"Rick Castle."

"No, Maddy," Kate replied quickly.

"Because you could have fooled me," Madison continued. "You're buying a toy for his kid. And you spent Tuesday ice skating with them."

"They're fun," Kate replied on a sigh.

"Fun, or _fun_?" Madison needled.

"Just fun, Mads. I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Rick Castle and his big, goofy smile were great. He was fun and funny and light. But that didn't mean that she wanted to sleep with him.

"Because you know, you're smiling while thinking about him right now," Madison observed.

"Shut up, Maddy," Kate grumbled. "I smile when I think about you," she added.

"God, I hope not like that," Madison laughed.

Kate scowled and sped up, heading for the nearest café, leaving Madison chuckling behind her.

(…)

"Dude, seriously?" Kate glanced over at Esposito, who was talking animatedly into his cell, his face split in a wide grin as he pounded a fist onto his desk. "You got two copies! No, man, I'll take 'em! When? Really? I owe you, man. Yeah. See you in a few. Thank you so much, Dan."

He clicked the phone off and turned to her, grinning. "What's up?" Kate asked, fighting back a smile at his exuberance.

"That was my friend Dan. He's a bigwig in video games, and he got me two copies of Halo. They've been sold out _everywhere_."

Kate bobbed her head in mock understanding. "That's awesome?"

"Awesome?" he gave her an incredulous look. "Beckett, this is _the_ game right now. And you can't get it anywhere! And now I have two!"

"What do you need two for?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Why not? He said he'd give me two. I'm not about to pass that up."

Kate just gave him a nod and turned back to her paperwork. It was a slow day so far, and she was hoping to get her backlog out of the way so she could have a relaxing Saturday night. Karpowski was beating her pen against her desk again, and Kate grimaced, zeroing in on the task at hand. She hated it when Karpowski did that. The ticking drove her crazy.

So, when Esposito got up, left, and returned twenty minutes later, Kate barely noticed. She'd cleared out the world and sped through her work, using it as a way to escape the ticking and clucking and coughing that went on around her. Then there was a video game sitting on top of her pile of papers.

"Excuse you," she said, picking the game up.

"You're taking that," he said firmly.

"Excuse you?" she repeated, turning to look at him. "You're…Esposito, why are you giving this to me? I don't even have a video game system."

He raised an eyebrow. "I expect you to play it, and love it, and come back to talk shop with me," he replied.

Kate just stared at him. "What?"

He sighed. "Jeez, you try to give someone an early present and this is the thanks you get?" He turned back to his desk and grabbed a file, flipping it open petulantly.

Kate turned the game over in her hands. It looked violent and weird and she honestly had no penchant for video games. But…wait, didn't Rick play video games? "Thanks, Esposito," she said quietly.

He looked over at her and gave her a small smile. "I'd like those cookies you made in September."

She gave him a nod and put the game into her purse before bending back over her papers. She felt herself smiling and snuck a glance at Esposito. He was a pain in the ass sometimes, but he was a good guy. She'd make him two batches, just for that.

(…)

"Beckett," she answered as she grabbed her phone off the coffee table Sunday night.

"Hi, Kate," Rick's cheerful voice floated over the speaker.

"Hey, Rick," Kate replied, easing back into the couch. She grabbed the remote and muted the TV, leaving Kramer yammering wordlessly on the screen. "What's up?"

"Well, first, how are you?"

"I'm fine," she said slowly. "Um, how are you?"

"I'm good too," he replied quickly.

She cocked her head. He sounded off, not that she really knew his phone-voice inflection patterns, but he sounded…tense. "What's up?" she asked again.

"Well, I was wondering if you'd looked at your paper today?"

Kate blinked. What? "Uh, no, I haven't actually. I only got in an hour ago. Why?"

He shifted on the other line. "Do you get the Ledger?"

"Yes," she replied dubiously, standing and walking over to her table, where she'd dumped the paper that morning. "Why do I have a bad feeling about this?"

"Well, it's not bad," he said hurriedly. "Honestly. But I thought I should let you know, you know?"

"Let me know what, exactly?" she asked, looking down at the paper. It looked innocuous enough. Another headline about increased Airport Security at the holidays stared back at her under the date, reminding her that there was only a week until Christmas.

"Turn to Page Six," he replied.

Kate felt herself frown. Somehow, a call from Rick Castle about news on Page Six just didn't seem like good news. She flipped through the paper and pulled out the gossip section. A large black-and-white photo greeted her. She stared at it. Staring back was an image of her and Rick sprawled out on the ice, Alexis giggling above them.

"This was days ago," was the first thing she could think to say. What the hell? Why was this there? Her eyes were drawn up to the headline and she let out a groan. "Richard Castle Shopping for a New Muse?"

"I'm really sorry," he said quietly.

"I…" she stammered. "I don't even…honestly, why is this here? It was _days_ ago."

"Even gossip tries to class it up at the holidays," he replied. "They like the family angle, and, well, my kid is adorable."

Kate squinted at the picture, at herself. You really couldn't tell that it was her. Rick's massive body was obscuring most of hers, and the color thankfully left out the fact that her skates were green. The sunglasses she wore hid most of her face, and the ear warmer covered her head. She wasn't truly recognizable at all—she could be any faceless woman.

"I'm really sorry," he added. "I swear I was watching, but I didn't see any of the normals and I…"

"It's fine," Kate replied. It was, right? She could deny it until kingdom come, and who at the 12th would bother to read about Richard Castle, except for her? Madison would be another story, and Lanie…oh, God, Lanie.

"Really?" his voice broke through the early onset panic she'd been falling into.

"You can't tell it's me," she shrugged. Worse things had happened. "I'm surprised that they don't have better things to print."

He laughed. "Me too. Every time."

She felt her ironclad grip on the paper loosening and she let out a laugh that surprised her. The headline was ridiculous, now that she thought about it. "New Muse? Is that what they call all your women?"

"It's a new one, actually," he replied. "But I kind of like it. Would you like to be my Muse, Kate?"

"No," she snorted. "I'd just like to be nameless, faceless Kate Beckett, thanks."

"Oh, come on!" he whined. "That would be awesome. I could follow you around, take notes."

"In your dreams, Pigeon Boy."

He groaned and Kate laughed as she sat down at her table, pushing the stacks of bills and files she'd done on Wednesday to the side. "You have to stop calling me that."

"It's that or 'old man,' Rick. Take your pick," she smiled. She wasn't freaking out. She really wasn't. What was _that_ about?

"I'm nearing thirty, Katherine, not sixty."

"Did that really deserve a Katherine?" she asked, her eyes rolling upward of their own accord. No one called her Katherine. The one time Will had tried it, she'd bent his arm so far back that he'd called 'Uncle.'

"If the shoe fits," Rick replied.

"Don't call me Katherine," she said firmly.

"Don't call me Pigeon Boy."

"Fine."

"Good."

They were quiet for a minute and Kate tried to sort out her oddly calm thoughts. She wasn't upset by the article. A tiny part of her was kind of excited by it, but that had to be squashed down. Richard Castle was just a guy with a cute kid, and that was all. He wasn't her favorite author, and there was nothing exciting about being in the paper, being called his Muse. It was insulting, actually, being compared to some sort of object of affection or creativity. And it was an invasion of a sense of privacy she enjoyed.

"The sunglasses look good on you," he said.

Kate shook her head at the abrupt compliment. "Thanks?"

"Just looking at the picture. They fit your face really well."

"I'm glad they cover so much of my face," she replied, folding the paper up and tossing it to the side. She wouldn't frame it. She might cut it out and tuck it into the book he'd signed. But he never needed to know about that.

"Well, they're yours any time you come out with us," he told her. "Which, I hope…that's really why I called."

"Oh?"

"I just wanted to make sure that you were still okay with meeting us for brunch on Tuesday? I know we're not going out to eat, but I wanted to tell you about this, so I could talk you down…but you don't sound upset."

"No one will know it's me," she replied. "And I'd be happy to."

"Great," she could hear the smile in his voice. The resulting smile that spread across her face was slightly embarrassing. "Thanks for being okay with it."

"If it had named me, called me her new Mom, and talked about my past, it would be different."

"Right."

Kate bit her lip and wondered whether she wanted to ask. She should. It wasn't fair to either of them if she didn't, and then freaked later. "Um, how likely is that, by the way?" she asked, expelling the question on a quick breath.

He was quiet for a moment. "It's…it could happen."

"Right," she replied, bobbing her head. She'd thought so.

"I'll tell Paula to do what she can to keep you out of it though. Already did, actually," he told her. "She said she's on it."

"Paula does what, exactly?" Kate asked, curious.

"She's my agent and she also acts as my liaison with the press."

"And runs your signings, right?"

"Right," he laughed. "Good memory. But, really, we'll do what we can to make sure that you're not plastered all over the paper."

"Thank you," she replied. It wasn't a promise that they wouldn't have to cross that bridge at some point. But at least he had professionals on it. "At least you're not really famous," she mused.

"Excuse me?" he sounded highly affronted.

"I mean, like, constantly stalked. They just use you for back up."

"Back up? Back up? I'm famous," he protested.

"You can't be that famous," she taunted, enjoying herself now. "They saved the picture for five days." Joking about it was better than really considering just what she was getting herself into. She could worry about that when the time came. Denial could be a _very_ happy place.

"They were waiting for the opportune moment," he replied. "I'm big news."

"Yeah, no, you're not," she snickered as she stood and meandered back to the couch. "I totally would have heard about it if you were, and the picture would show who I was."

"We can rectify that in a minute on Tuesday," he retorted. "I could grab you, lay one on you, and get you all over the tabloids."

Kate opened her mouth a few times, trying to summon words. Had he really just insinuated that… "I will ensure that Alexis is an only child," she managed a good thirty seconds later.

He laughed. "Alright, then, for the sake of my family's legacy, I will refrain from kissing you senseless in Times Square this week."

"Thanks."

"Anytime." She heard Alexis calling down to him in the background as they paused, both a little more than unsure of the conversation they'd just had. "I have to go," he told her. "Someone's up past her bedtime. See you Tuesday."

"See you Tuesday."

The phone clicked off and Kate sat there, stunned. Had he really…and she…and then…She shook her head and turned the television back on. Forgetting that this had ever happened was definitely the way to go.

(…)

Kate stood in front of apartment 504 on Tuesday, shifting from foot to foot as she jostled her purse and gift bag in her arms. She reached out with her free hand and knocked, listening. She couldn't hear them chattering on the other side of the door like she usually did. But she was a few minutes early; traffic had been light.

She'd had a hellish Monday and she was happy to be spending her day off around the childhood innocence the Castles provided. When one of Santa's elves kills three co-workers in a rage, with an audience of over forty children, and you're the first one on the scene, you're always more than happy to get away from the crazies as soon as you can. Yes, Monday had been hell. Rick would probably find it fascinating. She just found it horrible.

Kate was broken out of her thoughts by the sound of heels clicking across the floor toward the door. It opened and she found herself face to face with none other than Broadway actress Martha Rodgers.

They stared at each other for a moment. "Hi," Kate managed. "I'm here for brunch?" It came out as a question rather than a statement, and she wondered how it was that she could be calm and collected around Rick, but stammer in front of his mother.

"You must be Kate," the woman beamed. "Of course, do come in." She ushered Kate inside and then closed the door. "They're in the office doing who knows what," she told her. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Oh, no. Thank you for the offer though," Kate replied as she hung up her coat and put her purse onto the side table in the front hall. "I'm Kate Beckett," she added as she followed her to the island in the kitchen.

Martha Rodgers nodded. "So I've heard." She extended a hand. "Martha Rodgers, but you can call me Martha."

They shook and Kate fought a smile. Martha's handshake was firm and very much like Rick's. She'd have to find a way to give him that information sometime.

"My granddaughter has told me all about you," Martha continued. "You're an Officer?"

"I am," Kate replied. "Down at the 12th Precinct in Homicide"

"Ah, and that's why you get along with my son so well," she chuckled. "Alexis left that detail out."

"I haven't bothered to explain the exact details to her," Kate smiled. "I figure that can be Rick's job."

Martha considered her. "I haven't heard much about you from my son."

Kate gave a little shrug. What did you say to that, really? She had no idea what to make of it, or of Martha on the whole. She seemed cheery and welcoming, but also calculating, in a way that made Kate slightly uneasy.

"Now, that doesn't mean anything about you. It's probably that we haven't spoken too much in the past few weeks, with both of us being so busy. I'm actually not even supposed to be here today, but they canceled our Matinee for a charity event."

"I hear the show is going well though," Kate interjected. Perhaps they could steer clear of Rick-related conversation. She'd rather not be vetted today, if that's what this was about.

Martha gave her a huge smile. "It is! Thank you for saying so. Do you see much theater?"

"I wish I saw more," Kate replied honestly. "But I do like to go when I have the chance and the funds."

"Well, any time you want tickets, don't hesitate to ask," Martha told her. "You just tell _Rick_, and he'll let me know."

"Thank you," Kate said, overwhelmed by the generous offer. "That's amazing of you, really."

Martha waved a dismissive, red-polished hand. "It's nothing, kiddo. It's nice to see my granddaughter smiling more."

That was a loaded statement. Kate blinked and tried to think of a good response, but then there was a bang from the office and the door burst open and Alexis came tumbling out.

"Gram!" she cried. Martha turned but Alexis' attention had already shifted. "Kate!" she exclaimed, skidding over to wrap her arms around Kate's waist. "Daddy was holding me hostage! You have to arrest him."

Kate looked down at the girl around her waist and laughed. "And why was he holding you hostage?"

"Cause I took the last cookie," she told her. "But then he tied me up in his chair and wheeled me around, no matter how much I told him to stop!"

Rick emerged from the office, looking calm and collected. He smiled as he spotted Kate. "Hi, Kate."

"Hi," she replied. "Did you just capture your own child and forcibly race her around your office in your desk chair?"

He shrugged. "What's the right? I plead the fifth," he replied, walking over to kiss his mother on the cheek. "Did I know you were coming?"

"Charity event," Martha replied.

"Aren't you going to arrest him?" Alexis asked, tugging on Kate's sweater as she stepped away.

Kate gave her an apologetic look and raised her hands. "I didn't bring my cuffs today. I'm sorry."

Alexis huffed and then turned to look at her father. "Lucky."

He laughed and walked over to them, his hand outstretched. "Truce? You can have the bigger piece of pie for dessert tonight."

Alexis narrowed her eyes but extended her hand, and they shook. Then he reached down and scooped her up, throwing her over his shoulder. "How are you, Kate?" he asked, ignoring Alexis' squeals and giggles.

Kate just stared at him. "I'm alright. Glad it's Tuesday. And you?"

"Can't complain," he grinned. "You've met my mother?"

"Someone had to let me into the apartment," Kate replied. "Apparently you were too busy torturing your daughter."

"He was!" Alexis interjected.

"Richard, really," Martha said from the island. "Put her down and get the door." There was a knock. "Food's here."

Kate met Martha's gaze as Rick sighed and put Alexis down. "I called for the food and set a timer," Martha laughed. "But, I do like to seem clairvoyant at times. Can you set the table, Alexis?"

Alexis nodded and scooted past Kate to set out the dishes that were already in a stack on the table. Rick answered the door and accepted about four bags of food while Martha got down glasses, leaving Kate standing awkwardly in the dining room, watching as they easily set out the meal.

"Come sit," Rick beckoned.

Kate took her usual spot across from Alexis and Martha sat down on the girl's right. The spread was enormous, with everything from waffles to hash browns to sandwiches.

"This is huge," she said.

"We usually overdo for brunch," Rick replied with a shrug. "You're welcome to take some home, or to work."

Kate met his gaze as she reached for a muffin. "I might, thanks. Would make a nice snack for everyone."

"Has work been crazy?" he asked.

She couldn't tell him about the Tolkien Trauma, as the boys had taken to calling it—a title she was _not_ fond of. Their penchant for distasteful nicknames got old fast. In place of anything substantial, she settled on a nod. "It's been the holiday season."

"What does that mean?" Alexis piped up.

Kate looked over at her while both Rick and Martha pointedly took larger bites to hide their smiles. "It means that we're busier than usual."

"Are there more bad guys at Christmas?"

Kate felt caught and looked to Rick, but he was just staring at her, obviously waiting to hear her answer. Martha looked almost fascinated by the interchange. Fat lot of help they were.

She didn't want to come out and say that more people were killed during the holidays, since that seemed a little dark, even for the kid of a mystery writer. But she had to say _something_. "There's more crime at the holidays. I don't know that there are more bad guys, just…the bad guys are busier."

Alexis nodded contemplatively. "Is it because Santa's watching and they figure that they've already been bad? Like when Daddy has three cookies, instead of two, because he's eaten a bunch anyway?"

Kate stared at her. That was a remarkably cogent theory for a seven-year-old and she found herself taken aback.

Rick chuckled. "Yes, Alexis. That's _exactly_ what it means," he grinned. "But I'll thank you not to compare me to petty criminals."

She turned to look at him with a very sweet smile "If the shoe fits, Daddy."

Martha laughed and patted Alexis on the head. "You're too smart for him, kiddo." Alexis smiled and reached for another slice of bacon. "So you work in Homicide, Kate?" Martha asked, turning to look at her.

"Yes," Kate replied. Apparently today was Question Kate Day.

"Grunt work?" Martha continued.

"Sometimes," Kate nodded.

"Kate climbs in dumpsters," Alexis added.

Martha raised a sculpted eyebrow. "Do you?"

"Sometimes," Kate repeated. "It depends. We're doing more digging in snow banks right now, unfortunately."

"Sounds cold," Rick commented.

"It is. It's a lot less fun than building snowmen. I'll give you that," she told him. "But it's part of the job, so it's not so bad."

"We built snowmen yesterday," Alexis chimed in.

"Did you? Where?" Kate was more than happy to steer the conversation away from herself.

Martha kept shooting her appraising looks and Rick had that glint in his eye that had resulted in a twenty-minute explanation of fingerprinting procedure last week. Between them, Kate wasn't quite sure that she was comfortable talking about her job, and especially not in front of Alexis. So she gladly asked Alexis all sorts of questions about the day she and Rick had spent in the park, where they'd built their snowmen, what else they'd done; she was also genuinely interested, but wasn't above using the girl's wild storytelling abilities to keep the topic away from her job and her gun and her badge.

She managed a few questions about Martha's run on Broadway, and Rick's latest venture, but everyone seemed more interested in Alexis. That suited Kate just fine. Martha though, appeared more interested in how Kate asked her questions and what answers she received. Every time she got Alexis to explain something, Martha smiled. Each time Alexis laughed, Martha laughed. It left Kate baffled, and by the end of the meal, she wasn't quite sure what she was being vetted for—being in Rick's life, or Alexis'.

When they'd finished eating, Alexis insisted that Kate come into the living room to look at the tree while Rick cleaned up. Martha followed them, watching as Kate steered Alexis back to the hall to pick up her gift bag.

"Come on Kate! I want you to see it! It's really big this year," Alexis told her as they entered the room.

The tree was enormous and the whole living room smelled like pine. Seven feet tall and as real as could be, the tree stood in the corner of the room against the wall of bookshelves. It was wrapped in silver and red tinsel, with multi-colored twinkle lights shining from every nook and cranny between the needles. The ornaments were a hodge podge of homemade, expensive, cheap and remarkable baubles. Kate spotted a few that had to be real crystal, and a few that were made of pipe cleaners and glue and covered in glitter.

"We picked it out and dragged it all the way back!" Alexis exclaimed.

"It's gorgeous, Alexis," Kate murmured. She hadn't had a tree in a few years—three years, to be exact. And her father…there was little Christmas cheer in the Beckett home.

"Richard likes to go all out," Martha commented from behind them.

Kate turned to look at her and then noticed the rest of the room. It too was wrapped in tinsel and hung with holly. Stockings hung from the mantel and the walls had Christmas posters and hangings on them that they certainly hadn't had the last time she'd been here.

"It's lovely," Kate admitted.

"Do you decorate?" Martha asked.

Kate shook her head. "I live alone and my father isn't very…ah, interested in festivities," she replied carefully. She didn't really want Alexis to ask questions, and wasn't particularly comfortable giving Martha anything but cryptic answers either.

"Well, you're welcome to come share our cheer whenever you please," Rick said as he came into the room, carrying his own gift bag. "Shall we sit?"

Kate allowed Alexis to pull her to the couch and she sat down next to the excited girl, eyeing Rick's bag with a bit of trepidation. Her own rustled as she placed it at her feet, and she realized with a jolt that she had nothing for Martha. But she didn't seem to have time to focus on that before Alexis was hopping up, taking a carefully wrapped package from Rick's outstretched hand, and placing it in Kate's lap.

"Merry Christmas, Kate," Alexis said shyly. She scrambled back up on the couch and watched as Kate's hands fell to the package.

"Alexis, you didn't have to get my anything," Kate told her.

"But I wanted to," came the happy reply.

"Well, thank you," Kate said.

"Don't thank me 'till you open it, silly!"

Kate gave a shaky laugh and looked down at the present in her lap. It was small and wrapped in holly paper that bore the hallmarks of being tussled with by little hands. Kate gingerly unwrapped it, unsure of what was going on. Alexis didn't have to get her anything; she didn't need anything.

The wrappings fell away and there in her lap sat a bracelet made of handmade beads. Kate picked it up and brought it closer to inspect it. The string was elastic and the beads themselves were made of clay, alternating with plastic silver beads that glinted in the light.

"Alexis, this is beautiful," she said quietly. It was obvious that the girl had made it herself and Kate found that she had less breath in her chest than normal. This little girl had _made_ her a present?

"The beads have letters too," Alexis told her.

Kate squinted at each bead and then, with a jolt, realized that they spelled her name. "Did you…did you make the beads yourself, Alexis?"

"Uh-huh! Daddy and I did it in the oven."

Kate looked down at the little girl and slipped the bracelet onto her wrist. "I love it. Thank you, Sweetie."

Alexis grinned and then, by mutual agreement, they hugged. "I'm glad you like it."

"I love it. No one's ever made me a bracelet before," Kate told her. She didn't know what to think and couldn't quite figure out what else to say, so she reached into her own bag and handed Alexis the present she'd wrapped that morning. "I got you something too."

Alexis took the package from her with wide eyes, and then looked to her father for a second. "Kate got _me_ a present!"

"I see, Pumpkin," Rick replied, smiling. He met Kate's eyes and she was surprised to see the gratitude in his blue ones. She'd simply gotten Alexis a gift. It didn't seem like such a big deal. And it certainly wasn't as special as _making_ her a gift. Alexis had _made_ her a bracelet.

She looked back at Alexis and found that she was almost done unwrapping the present. She pulled back the last of the purple paper and squealed, bringing the turtle to her chest.

"I love it!" she proclaimed. "Thank you! Thank you!" And then she was hugging Kate again, the turtle caught between them.

Kate laughed at her exuberance and smiled when their eyes met. "You're welcome. Merry Christmas."

Alexis grinned and hopped off the couch to run around the coffee table to Martha. "Look! Kate got me a Sea Turtle!"

"I see," Martha smiled, taking the proffered toy. "It's gorgeous."

"His name's Hamilton," Alexis told her.

"Is that what it says on the tag?" Rick asked.

"No," Alexis replied indignantly. "It's just his name."

Hamilton the Sea Turtle. Alexis was something else. Kate smiled as she watched Alexis run around the room with the toy, relatively oblivious to the fact that they were all still there. Then she was brought out of her reverie as Rick stood and handed her a package.

"Rick, you didn't have to…" she said as she took it from him. He shrugged and she stared at him for a second before shaking herself and reaching into her bag. "I have something for you too."

"You didn't have to," he said quickly, even as he took the square package from her.

"You're both ridiculous," Martha observed as they sat down, each staring at the gift they hadn't expected to receive.

Kate glanced at Martha. "Sorry?"

"Nothing," Martha smiled, taking a sip of her drink. "Nothing at all. Do open them."

Kate and Rick looked at each other and then nodded, opening their presents at the same time. Kate peeled back her red paper and lifted a hardbound book from the tissue. She turned it over and smiled. _The__ Thin__ Man_ was one of her favorites. Rick was still peeling back his paper with remarkable restraint, so she opened the front cover, and then gasped. It was signed! He'd given her a signed copy of her favorite book. How had he?

"How did you?" she asked at the exact same moment that he did.

They stared at each other, holding up their gifts, mirrored expressions of awe on their faces. "I…"

"This is amazing!" Rick managed. "How did you get a copy of Halo? _I_ couldn't even get one."

"I…" Kate shook her head to clear it. He'd gotten her a _signed_ copy… "I know a guy who knows a guy," she replied.

He grinned. "This is awesome! Thank you so much!"

"Thank _you_," she replied, clutching the book to her chest. "I can't even imagine…how did you know?"

"You mentioned that you liked mystery when we went skating, and you did come to my signing…I figured it was a safe bet," he replied easily. "You like it?"

"I love it," she told him, aware that she was grinning like a mad woman. "It's one of my all time favorites."

He smiled. "I'm glad."

Martha hummed and Kate glanced over at her while Rick narrowed his eyes. "A comment, mother?"

Martha shook her head while Alexis giggled in the background, thoroughly engrossed in her turtle. "Nothing. I'm glad you're here, Kate."

Kate blinked and ran her fingers over the book, Alexis' bracelet shifting against her wrist. "Thank you. I'm glad I am too," she replied honestly.

Martha merely smiled.


	8. Chapter 8

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: The real writers have filmed flashbacks, not italics. **

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: Have I mentioned how AWESOME YOU GUYS ARE? Because you are. You really, really, truly are. Thank you for being such amazing, kind, fantastic people, and leaving me such amazing reviews and messages. I love ALL of you.**

**I hope you like this chapter. It covers quite a bit of time, but I hope everything is accounted for. Lemme know what you think. I had lots of fun with this one. **

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 8:<strong>

Kate's actual Christmas was quiet. The city was blanketed in a few new inches of snow and it covered her boots as she walked, her favorite green cap over her braided hair and her hands stuffed into her pockets. She shivered as a truck blew past and pulled her bottom lip between her teeth while she waited for the light to turn.

She almost wished she was working. It would have made it easier. Christmas wasn't something she wanted to experience. It was a holiday for family and food and fun, and today, Kate didn't feel like eating, didn't feel like forcing fun, and the only family she had…well, she had that.

She crossed the street and hurried into the little café, brushing snow from her shoulders. She unwound her scarf and looked around at the empty tables. There were maybe three other people huddled into booths against the window, each looking about as forlorn as she felt. But the hunched shoulders at the counter—she'd know those shoulders anywhere.

Kate nodded to the small, old woman behind the bar and gave her a half-hearted smile. She and her father had been Christmas regulars at this café for three years now, and, though she never came on any other day, they knew her here. Kate slowly made her way over to the counter and sat down on the cracked, red bar stool.

"Hey, Dad," she said quietly.

He turned and met her gaze. "Merry Christmas, Katie."

Kate smiled and they gave each other a quick hug. It wasn't awkward, but it wasn't comfortable either, like they were both trying a little too hard, even though it probably looked to all the world like they weren't making any effort at all. But they were. It hurt just to look at him, and she imagined that it killed him just to look at her, too.

"Merry Christmas, Dad," she replied as the woman, Irene, put a cup of coffee down in front of her. "And Merry Christmas to you, Irene."

She gave Kate a warm smile. "Thank you, Katie. Have you had a good holiday season?"

Kate shrugged. "Good as catching killers can be."

"That's right," Irene chuckled. "You do the dangerous stuff." Jim shifted uneasily beside her and Kate watched as Irene bit her lip. "I'll get you the usual?"

Jim and Kate nodded and Irene moved away to speak to the chef through the kitchen window. They always got the breakfast special, complete with eggs, hash browns, bacon and oatmeal. There was nothing 'Christmas' about it. The café had no decorations and other than the perfunctory greetings they gave each other and Irene, they wouldn't talk about the holiday. It was how they were.

"How have you been, Katie?" her father asked as Kate took off her coat and laid it on the stool next to her.

"I've been good, Dad. How 'bout you?"

"I've been really good," he said, meeting her eyes. "Almost two months, now," he continued quietly.

Kate smiled. It was the longest he'd gone in a while. She wasn't…she wasn't optimistic enough to think that this was it; he was going to be sober forever now. But, it was a start, and he did look healthier. His cheeks were less sallow and his eyes had a shadow of the spark they'd had before. And he almost looked normal. He was far from happy. They both were. Kate hid it better, but neither of them was _happy_. But right now, her father almost looked like her Dad again.

"I'm proud of you, Daddy," Kate told him.

He reached out and covered her hand with his. "Thank you, Katie." Kate smiled and they sat in silence for a few minutes, each sipping coffee or playing with the edge of a sleeve. "So, what have you been up to?"

"Working," Kate laughed. "I saw Maddy a few days ago."

"How is Madison?" Jim asked, smiling. "Are you two still thick as thieves?"

"We see each other as we can," Kate replied. They were still close, but Kate was constantly busy and Madison was dating; they did the best they could. "She's dating a nice guy."

Jim bobbed his head. "And you?"

Kate narrowed her eyes at her father. "I told you about a month ago that I broke up with Will, Dad."

"Well, you could have someone on the rebound," he shrugged.

"Dad!" Kate exclaimed, giggling. God, he sounded like _him_ again. She wanted to tell herself to stop it—stop being happy that he seemed so well. Because he'd fall again. But he was her Dad and he was laughing and joking with her. "That's horrible."

"Oh, come on, Katie. You're a gorgeous, successful young woman. You could snatch anyone up."

"I'll second that," Irene added as she set their meals down in front of them. "One night in a bar and I bet you get thirty numbers," she said with a grin.

"Okay, I don't have time to go to bars, and for the record, I do not get thirty numbers."

"Amounts lower than twenty are also plausible, yet improbable," Jim interjected.

"I'm eating. Leave me alone," Kate grumbled, shoving a piece of egg into her mouth while the two of them laughed. Kate scowled but eventually gave up the fight and laughed along. "I'm happy being single," she said as they calmed down.

"Not for long, I hope," Jim said as Irene moved away to help another Christmas straggler who'd come inside for something warm.

"Dad, I _just_ broke up with Will."

"So there's no one on your radar?"

Kate shook her head. There wasn't. She didn't have the slightest desire to go out looking for love. Being left for Boston had kind of taken the fight out of her. And besides, she had enough going on, with friendships and little girls and writers and their mothers.

"What aren't you telling me, Katiebug?" Jim asked a few minutes later. Only then did Kate realize that she'd slipped off into her own thoughts.

"Nothing," she replied quickly.

"Because, you know, I saw this picture in the paper the other week," Jim shrugged. "It was of that author you like, Rick Castle?"

Kate choked on the sip of coffee she just taken. "Excuse me?"

"Rick Castle—he writes those books you love."

"I guess," Kate hedged. Where was this going?

"So, as I was saying. I saw a picture of him at the skating rink with a cute little girl and this woman, and you know, Katie, she had your smile."

Kate blinked. "And you think it was me?"

"Didn't you say you were going skating?"

"I…did," she stammered. "But I…"

"Why didn't you tell me you were going skating with Richard Castle?"

Kate didn't know what to say. How had he? Why had he? How did? "How do you know it was me?" she exclaimed.

Jim grinned. "I didn't. But I do now."

Kate wanted to scream, or hit something, or find a pillow and shove her blushing face into it. He'd just pulled the Dad trick on her. She'd honestly thought she was old enough to avoid that now. "I…"

"It's alright. You have a private life," he continued. "I just thought you'd have shared, since you've been so in love with his books."

"Dad," Kate protested, feeling the blush spreading all over her face.

"But really, Katie. Is he the kind of guy you want? It seems awfully public."

"We're not dating, Dad!" Kate finally cut in, finding her voice and that thing called 'adult' she liked to think she was. "We're just friends. I went out skating with him and his daughter."

"Cute kid."

Kate nodded. Alexis was safe territory. "She's adorable. She's really smart, and funny, and she totally keeps him in place."

"Sounds a bit like you," said Jim.

Kate smiled. "She is, I think."

They sat in silence for a long moment, eating contently. Maybe if she told her father before she ended up in the paper again, she could avoid this. Or she could do it by phone. The smile he was wearing was far too knowing and Kate wasn't quite comfortable with the upper hand he seemed to have. At the same time, though, it was nice to share a meal that wasn't sullen and a Christmas that included laughter, even if it was at her expense.

Kate watched the cooks making food through the window to the kitchen and felt oddly at peace. Maybe her father would stay sober this time. And maybe sometime soon they could have a real dinner together, not just for a holiday. That would be nice. It would be great to get her Dad back. He was fun, and she missed him…

"So, are you dating him for the kid?"

Then again, maybe that phone relationship had its merits.

…..

New Years came and passed with a flurry of homicides, bringing January through with yet more murderers and psychopaths and crazies. Kate found herself constantly busy, yet rather happily so. She was finding more and more evidence for every case they worked. She even managed to sleep and keep her apartment clean. She went out with Lanie and Madison and still found time to read one or two nights a week. And then, of course, there were the weekly dinners or brunches or outings with the Castles.

They'd been to the Museum, a very cute little diner in the village, the movies to see _Harry Potter_ and had two dinners at the loft. Each time, Kate felt a bit more comfortable, a bit more confident, a bit more whole. Alexis was delightful and reminded her that even after the worst day with the worst types of people imaginable, there were still children who still believed in Santa and wanted to hear stories millions of times.

Rick—Rick was something of a rock. He was cheerful and playful, but also steady, in a way that Kate wasn't quite accustomed to. The guys at the Precinct were strong, yes, and you could always count on them to have your back, but Rick was real. There was more beneath the boyish charm and bravado. He was fragile and strong at once, and Kate couldn't quite explain how he could be both, but it was comfortable.

She was never wont for laughs or entertainment with them around. Just the other day he'd emailed her a picture of Alexis wearing a Batman costume in public, hopping up onto a stone wall to pose. The black-gloved finger in the corner of the picture suggested that Rick was dressed up too. She laughed so hard at the thought that Esposito had left the room to get coffee, scared off by her behavior. He'd been wary of her ever since.

So when she knocked on the loft door on a cold Monday night in February, she expected to hear giggles on the other side, and the sound of Alexis scurrying to let her in. Instead, she heard heavy footfalls and the door opened on the haggard face of Rick Castle.

"Kate," he exclaimed.

"Hi?" she replied, taking him in. His blue button down was untucked and some of his hair was sticking up. He looked like he'd barely slept at all and his cell was in his front pocket. "You okay?"

He blinked for a second before nodding. "Have you had Chicken Pox?"

"Yeah," Kate chuckled. "When I was five. Why?"

He sighed and glanced back toward the living room. "Alexis has them."

"Oh. Poor girl. Is she okay?" she asked. His appearance now made much more sense.

"Yeah, she's a trooper," he smiled. "But, um, God, I meant to call."

"Hey," she reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. "It's okay. You've been busy, from the looks of it."

"My deadline's coming up, and I was going to spend all of today writing, but Alexis is sick, and I don't just want to…you know, leave her on the couch alone all day…so I've been writing and hanging with her and she's so sick and I…"

Kate squeezed his shoulder and took a step toward him. He reflexively took a step back and let her in. She smiled and closed the door behind them and slipped off her jacket and shoes. She could fix this. She was good at fixing things.

"Okay. Here's what we're going to do," she put her bag on the side table and hung up her coat before turning to him. "You're going to put my gun in the safe, and I'm going to order dinner. Then I'll hang with Alexis and you write for a while, okay?"

"Kate, I can't ask you to…"

She held up a hand. He needed to write, and eat and relax, and she was happy to sit with Alexis. It had been a long day, and an evening of movies sounded great. "You're not asking. I'm offering; I'd be here hanging with you guys anyway. And this way, I get to just chill with her, which, you know, is all I ever want anyway."

She grinned while he glared at her, before his face split in a yawn. "Okay. That was mean, but thank you," he said.

Kate shook her head and pulled her gun out, checking the safety before handing it to him. "Think you can secret agent your way into your office with this?"

He grinned. "Definitely." He took it from her and then gestured to the kitchen with his free hand. "Second drawer from the left on the island has the takeout menus."

"Oh, I know a place," Kate waved him off. "Go put that in the safe and get some writing done. I'll come get you when dinner's here."

"Kate, I can't…how can I…"

"Shut up, Castle," she laughed. "I'm happy to be here."

He smiled and gave a little bow before turning and walking toward his office. He stopped about halfway there and turned back to her. "Castle?"

"Force of habit," she shrugged. "You don't reprimand someone at the Precinct with his first name."

"It has a certain ring," he grinned.

"What does, Daddy?" Alexis asked from the couch.

"My name," he replied.

"It's your name," she repeated. "It doesn't ring."

"You're sick, you wouldn't understand," he laughed.

"That's mean," Alexis retorted, though it lacked her usual snark.

"Well, am I less mean if I bring someone to see you?" Rick asked, keeping Kate's gun securely behind his back.

"You brought someone to see me?"

Kate decided that it was time to stop watching them interact and she stepped from behind the wall. "Hi, Alexis," she greeted.

The girl's eyes lit up and she smiled over the blanket that was pulled up to her chin. "Kate!"

"I hear you've got the pox," Kate told her as she came over and sat down by the girl's feet.

"Just the Chicken ones," Alexis nodded. "They itch."

"I remember," Kate told her with a sad smile. "But you're not scratching, right?"

"Right," Alexis nodded. She held up her hands and Kate had to stifle a laugh; they were covered by oven mitts. "Daddy put them on me so I don't 'mar my beautiful skin.' But I'm still itchy."

The poor girl's face was covered in little pink spots, and Kate could see that her shoulders were as well, where they peeked out from beneath the green blanket. Her hair was braided, probably to keep it out of her face, and Alexis looked miserable—smiling, but miserable.

"Do you have any calamine lotion?" Kate asked. She remembered being nearly completely pink when she'd had Chicken Pox as a child. Or, at least she remembered a few cousins being that color once or twice.

"The pink stuff?"

"That's the one."

"Daddy put some on my last night, but it came off in the oatmeal bath."

"Do you want some more after dinner?" Alexis nodded vigorously. "Okay. I'll order food and grab that and then we can put some on you."

"Okay. What's for dinner?" She sounded so small and sad.

"I was thinking Chinese?"

"Okay," Alexis replied without enthusiasm.

Kate considered her. "What would you like instead?"

Alexis shrugged. "M'not really hungry."

"Being sick sucks, doesn't it?" Kate asked. Alexis nodded. What had Kate always loved when she was sick as a kid? She couldn't really remember, but she liked Mac and Cheese now—hell, she ate that when she was just sad and it helped. "Would you eat Mac and Cheese if I made it?" Alexis bit her lip, but her eyes sparkled. "You totally would."

The little girl laughed. "Yeah."

"Okay. Lemme whip that up then, and when you're done, I'll slather you in pink goop."

"I like the word 'slather,'" Alexis giggled. "It's funny."

Kate laughed. "You are your father's child."

"He hasn't stopped saying 'slicko,' all week," Alexis whispered. "It's getting annoying."

"I'll give him a new word at dinner," Kate told her. "You okay here while I cook?"

Alexis nodded. "They're showing _Matilda_."

Kate smiled and stood. She leaned down and kissed Alexis on the forehead without thinking about it and then made her way into the kitchen. She pulled down a pot and dug around in the cabinet until she found macaroni. She filled the pot and rummaged in the fridge, listening to Matilda as she learned to make things levitate. She laughed while she listened and cut up cheese and found the butter.

Alexis looked miserable, but healthy enough, aside from the spots. And her forehead wasn't too warm—Kate could completely pass that little maternal kiss off as checking her temperature. It wasn't something she should dwell on.

Neither was the fact that she could make a complete meal in Rick's kitchen. She knew where things were because she was observant, not because she spent a lot of time here. She knew that Alexis wanted mozzarella cheese instead of cheddar because she'd said so. It wasn't because she'd seen her order that way so many times. And she knew that the wine she planned to bring to Rick to help him relax—man, did the man look exhausted—was in the cabinet, not the liquor cooler because she'd seen Rick take it out. It wasn't because they'd gone through the cabinet together one night when Rick had writer's block and they'd played Monopoly until three in the morning.

She added the pasta to the boiling water almost absently as she reflected on just how much time she did spend at this loft. They had dinner on Monday nights, and sometimes (every week recently) she'd join them for something on Tuesday as well. She and Rick sometimes stayed up late on Monday nights, chatting and laughing as they swapped stories from their youth, or their days, depending. He made the publishing world sound like a cross between the big top and the military, with people nearly as crazy as the ones she saw at work in the center ring.

She reached over for a large spoon and her necklace fell out of the vee of her sweater. It hit the side of the pot with a little clang. Kate grabbed the spoon and straightened up, reaching with one hand to slip her pinky through her mother's ring. She stirred the pasta for a moment and then turned and leaned against the counter, staring at the island where a few weeks earlier, the two of them had sat and chatted late into the night over a bottle of wine.

_Kate leaned back in her chair, laughing as Rick gesticulated._

_ "I'm serious!" he chuckled. "She literally grabbed my tie and slammed me up against a shelf. Patterson fell on her head and she stumbled, allowing me to escape. But it was…I'm still traumatized."_

_ Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "Traumatized? You'd think you'd enjoy being tossed up against a shelf and ravished." She could see him enjoying that very much. And she certainly wasn't the woman doing the shoving in this little scenario in her head. She wasn't. Really. She wasn't._

_ "If the woman were someone I knew, maybe, yeah…the right woman. But a stranger? She was creepy, Kate!" he continued. He took a sip of his wine and nudged her foot with his on the bottom rung of her stool. "You should come to the next one. Flash your badge—protect me."_

_ She snorted. "In your dreams."_

_ "Every night," he grinned._

_ "Shut up," Kate laughed. _

_It was late, but she just didn't want to go home. They'd spent the night making a huge fort with Alexis, turning the living room into an intricate series of tunnels and passages made out of almost every blanket in the house. The sunroom had been demolished though, to allow Alexis to go to sleep, but everything else was still standing. She wasn't embarrassed to admit that they'd crawled back in once Alexis was asleep and watched Star Wars on T.V., jostling each other and mocking everything they could think of. _

_ Eventually, they'd climbed out and opened a bottle of wine while Rick told her about his latest signing. That left them at the island in the kitchen, bumping knees below the counter and chatting quietly as the clock headed for one. But she wasn't tired, and neither was he. Her apartment was lonely, and he looked a bit forlorn. _

_ "So, how was your week?" he asked._

_ Kate shrugged. "It was okay. Three homicides."_

_ "Sounds busy."_

_ Kate nodded. She'd barely slept until the third case had broken on Saturday. Her day off had never seemed so welcome, and the fun night with the Castles was the perfect set up for a long sleep-in tomorrow. "It was hectic."_

_ "Did you sleep at all? You look exhausted."_

_ "Gee, thanks, Rick," Kate laughed. "You know how to make a girl feel special."_

_ He nudged her ankle with his toes. "You know what I mean. You're always gorgeous, but, you know, you look tired."_

_ Sweet yet concerned—Rick Castle could do it all. "Yeah," she admitted. It didn't help that January always felt long and lonely and left her with a bitter taste. At least this time around her father seemed to be doing better; he hadn't missed a meeting since Christmas. He still sounded like him. But memories were sometimes stronger than reality, and Kate had found that the little sleep she did get was marred by nightmares of broken bottles and bloody baths, stab wounds and alleys. _

_ "You okay?" Rick asked, breaking her out of her thoughts._

_ "Oh, yeah," she replied, shaking her head slightly to clear it as she put her elbows on the counter and leaned her head into her hands. _

_ Her necklace slid out from under her blouse with the movement and the stillness of the loft was disturbed by a small little 'ping' as her ring hit the side of her wine glass. Nothing had ever seemed louder to Kate in that moment. ._

_ She took a shallow breath and reached up to slide the ring back into her shirt, but Rick's hand stopped hers, coming to rest at her elbow. "Kate," he said, his voice pulling her to meet his eyes. "What's wrong?"_

_ "Why would you assume something's wrong?" she asked, tucking the ring back into her shirt and straightening up. She shouldn't stay after all. She needed to _leave_._

_ "You're totally pale," he replied quietly. "And you're not breathing right."_

_ Oh, she was taking short little gasps, wasn't she? It came back at odd times— the memories, the sadness, the crushing feeling. And she didn't really want to have a panic attack here, right now. She started to stand up, but his hand fell to her knee and he reached for one of her hands._

_ "Kate, talk to me. What's wrong?"_

_ "Nothing's wrong," she denied. "I'm fine. It's late. I should let you…"_

_ "Hey," he squeezed her knee even as she struggled to find a good reason to flee. "Let me help. You look…Kate, talk to me."_

_ Her hands curled into fists as she struggled to keep her head above water. Why here? Why right now? She couldn't have done this alone, at home, where no one, least of all Rick, with his wonderful kid, could see her? What would he think of her? Why would he ever want her around his kid if he saw her totally breaking down?_

_ "It's okay, you know," he told her. Was he talking? She should probably try to listen to that over the pounding of her heart. "Everyone has panic attacks."_

_ "I'm…why would you…what…" she couldn't get the question out. But she could feel his hand on her knee and his fingers curled around hers on the countertop. _

_ "I have them, sometimes. I know the signs."_

_ She chanced a glance at his face and felt her chest unclench just a bit. He looked completely serious and…what was that emotion? Understanding? But that was ridiculous. Rick Castle wouldn't understand. He wasn't unhinged. He didn't collapse in the shower every so often, feeling like the world was ending, like his chest was about to constrict and suck the air right out of his lungs._

_ "Hey, focus on me, okay? You'll come out of it sooner or later."_

_ "I'm fine," she managed._

_ He snorted. "Oh, you are not."_

_ And now he was doubting her word? "Really. I'm going to…"_

_ "You're not leaving," he said firmly. _

_ "I…" she tried again. But the ring bumped against her chest and then she wasn't really seeing him anymore. Rick's face mixed with pictures of her mother, bloody and broken against a trash can in an alley, and her father drunk in the bathtub in their house, slurring up at her as she tried to get him out._

_ "Kate." She blinked. "Kate, hey." His voice was gentle and she noticed him standing up. Why was he? Then arms wrapped around her and hands were stroking up and down her back. "It's okay. Focus on me. I'm here. You're here. We built a fort with Alexis and watched Star Wars on the floor like kids. We ate Chinese and you got me to try octopus."_

_ He continued to talk and run his fingers through her hair as he hugged her to him, pressing her face into his stomach. Her hands rose to fist into the back of his shirt of their own accord, and she breathed in the scent of his cologne. He was solid and strong beneath her cheek and she could feel every breath he took as his voice washed over her. _

_ She forced the pictures away, boxing them up and walling them out until she was focused on nothing but the man recounting everything they'd done together in the last week. Kate listened and turned her attention to her breathing, trying to take deep breaths, trying to get back to normal. Instead, to her horror, she felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes and she sniffled. _

_ "Hey," his story stopped and he stepped away from her, his hands falling to her shoulders. She found that she missed the warmth of his body against hers, and she added ridiculousness to the barrage of feelings coursing through her. "Kate, do you want to talk about it?"_

_ She looked up at him and met his eyes, feeling the little resolve she'd held onto start to crumble. It was bad enough that he'd seen her go into full-on panic. Then he'd _held_ her as she freaked out. Now he wanted to hear about her craziness? Why? Why would he want to know?_

_ "Why?" that inner thought made its way to an outside thought and Kate mentally slapped herself._

_ "Why?" he looked baffled. "Because you're my friend and you're trying not to cry," he exclaimed. "That's why."_

_ "But I…"_

_ "Come on," he took her hands and pulled her to stand. "Let's go into my office."_

_ Kate giggled and felt a bit of it fall away, even as the tears became more insistent. "Alright, Dr. Castle."_

_ He smiled at her as he walked backward, leading her into the study and closing the door behind them. He turned on the lights and then guided her over to the couch, tugging her down with him so that they sat face to face. _

_ "Please," he adopted a fake German accent. "Tell me what the problem is."_

_ Kate rolled her eyes and pulled her knees up to her chest, crossing her arms over them. The ring pressed into her chest and a tear slipped down her cheek. It seemed like the strong Kate Beckett no longer existed. She felt raw and small and stupid for letting this happen._

_ But she looked over at Rick and he was just looking back at her, a small smile on his face. His blue eyes were calm and concerned and simply _there_, waiting to listen. He didn't look worried about her, or frightened of her, or concerned, like everyone else did. He didn't look like Will, who used to regard her with genuine worry and some amount of fear when this happened. He just looked…he looked like Rick._

_ "I…" she started, taking a shallow breath. "I told you that my mom was gone." She glanced at him and he nodded. "She…three years ago, she was stabbed in an alley."_

_ "Oh, Kate," he whispered. She watched as he reached a hand out and hesitated for a second before placing it on her foot, heavy and warm. _

_ "My dad, he didn't take it well." She scoffed at her own words. "That's lying. He took it terribly. He's been in the bottle ever since, and I…" she took another shallow breath, felt another tear drip down, and he gave her foot a squeeze. "I joined the academy, got a job, fixed myself, got the therapy."_

_ "And are doing rather amazingly, I'd say," he added._

_ Kate shook her head. "Yeah, and freaking out in your kitchen."_

_ "Everyone has their moments. Does this happen often?"_

_ Was he asking because he was worried it would happen with Alexis? She met his eyes. Oh, no, he was asking for her—to understand how hard it still was for her. "No," she whispered. "Just rarely, now. When it catches me off guard, mostly," she added, her fingers pulling the ring from beneath her sweater again, bringing it out to toy with it against her knee. "And it just…we'd had such a great night…and I wasn't thinking about it…I'm really sorry."_

_ She looked up and found him staring at her. "You don't…don't apologize, Kate," he replied. He sounded somewhat horrified. Good. He should be worried. "You don't have to apologize for missing your mom."_

_ Oh. "I…okay?"_

_ He chuckled. "Wow. Has no one ever sat with you through one of these?"_

_ "Sometimes," she shrugged. Maddy'd done it a few times in the beginning, and Will had…tried his best to help when she needed it. But mostly, she did it alone. "But, you know, it's…it's a private thing."_

_ "Why? It's so much easier to get out of it with someone else around."_

_ She blinked. "Um…I guess?"_

_ "For me it is, anyway," he shrugged, squeezing her foot again. _

_ "I didn't…know," she finished lamely. She didn't know what to say. _

_ He laughed. "Well, it's not like I'd plaster that on Page Six: Richard Castle Has a Nervous Breakdown Following His Divorce. Can you imagine the riots?"_

_ Kate laughed weakly. "Yeah, not a great line for you, I'd bet."_

_ He nodded and smiled. "I remember this. Well, no," he frowned. "I don't remember _this_, because, God, Kate…I can't even imagine…"_

_ "As well you shouldn't have to," she interjected._

_ "Right," he gave her a sad smile. "But I remember the panic attacks. Here I was with this little girl and a career and a wife who had left me to sleep with God knows how many people…I'm not above admitting that I had trouble."_

_ "Rick…"_

_ "No," he shook his head. "I'm good, now. But I remember having nights like this, when it just hits you, right?" She nodded. "And the nights when mother was here, or even Paula, it was easier." She brought a hand down to cover his on her foot and he smiled, lacing their fingers together. "So, you know, when this happens, call me, or come over or something."_

_ "Rick, I can't…" she began, wanting to thank him, but wanting to tell him not to…_

_ "Kate," he squeezed her hand and scooted toward her to cover the one that was still toying with the ring. "I want to help."_

_ "I'm okay," she replied feebly._

_ "Yeah, you're okay. I want you to be good and happy, too." He sounded so damn sincere and here was this olive branch and he was dancing in front of her with it._

_ "I…"_

_ "Say you'll think about it, at least?" _

_ Kate nodded. "Okay. I'll…I'll at least consider calling you the next time this happens."_

_ He cocked his head to the side. "A constant battle, huh?"_

_ She laughed. "Be glad I didn't run out of here like The Flash when it started."_

_ He nodded. "I'm glad you didn't. Now," he looked around. "How about we grab the pillows from my room and watch another movie in the fort. No wine, just talk until we fall asleep? You've got the day off tomorrow."_

_ Kate started to protest but she couldn't. The tears that had fallen while she'd told him about her mother were dried on her cheeks, and his hands were warm over hers. Her apartment would be cold and empty. The fort would be warm and have him, and she'd probably sleep without nightmares._

_ "Okay," she replied after a pause._

_ He stood and helped her climb off the couch. They looked at each other for a long moment, and then he pulled her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her. She rested her forehead against his neck and took the first deep breath she'd been able to take in nearly an hour. _

_ "Thank you," she whispered._

_ "For you, anything," he replied into her hair. _

Kate blinked as the timer on the pasta went off, jarring her from the memory. She _had_ slept better that night than she had in a long time. And since, she'd found that the panic attacks had disappeared. She smiled as she added cheese and butter to the pot, stirring until it was gooey and hot. It was her turn to cheer up the Castles.

She spooned three portions into large, ceramic bowls, grabbed forks to add, and then poured Alexis a glass of juice. She brought the bowl and juice into the living room and set them on the coffee table.

"How you doin'?" she asked.

Alexis smiled up at her. "Good. Matilda's really brave."

"She is," Kate agreed. "I'll be back in a little bit. I'm gonna bring your Dad some food and find that pink stuff so I can slather you."

Alexis giggled and nodded before reaching for her bowl and turning back to the movie. Kate watched her for a moment and then went back to the kitchen to grab their bowls. With the skill of a woman who'd waitressed in college, Kate brought both bowls and two glasses of water over to Rick's office. She knocked with her foot and waited until she heard a muffled 'Yeah?' from the other side before scooting the door open and walking inside.

Rick was camped out at his desk, hunched over his keyboard. His hair was more disheveled than it had been and he was hastily scanning the screen in front of him. He looked up as she came in, tired blue eyes widening as she walked over.

"I made dinner."

"You didn't have to cook," he protested as she set the glasses down and extended a bowl to him.

"It's macaroni, not Beef Wellington," she laughed, hopping up to perch on the edge of his large desk. "And it's good. Alexis didn't seem like she wanted take-out, and I figured we should eat something she'd like."

He gave her a tired smile. "You're great, you know that?"

"So I've been told," she grinned. "How's it coming?"

"Good. I've gotten two chapters done from outlines. It should appease the beast," he sighed. "This is great, by the way," he added, popping another bite into his mouth.

"Thanks. The beast? Is that…Gina?" she asked, trying to remember who got what delightful nickname.

"One in the same," he laughed. "She's not _that_ bad, but she's…if she's not happy, no one is."

"I know a few people like that," Kate nodded. "But you think you've got what you need?"

"For tomorrow, at least," he replied. "I'll need to have five more by the end of the week, but I've got time for that. How's Alexis?"

Kate smiled. He was so much more concerned with his daughter than his career. It was adorable, but she had a feeling that it would come back to bite him. "She's engrossed in _Matilda_," Kate assured him. "And once she's done eating, I'm going to rub her in calamine."

"That stuff smells," Rick whined. "But it'll be good for her. But," he took a sip of water. "You don't have to. You didn't come over to take care of a sick kid, and…me…" he added, glancing down at the bowl.

"Hey," she nudged his knee with her foot. "It's part of the deal, I thought. You provide me with mental stability, I assume some domestic responsibilities, and everyone wins."

He laughed but then gave her a startlingly serious look. "It's not a deal, Kate. I don't expect anything in return for helping you, or listening or whatever. You're my friend. You do know that, right?"

She felt herself smile. He was ridiculous sometimes. She set her bowl down and stood up so that she could turn him and stand between his legs, looking down at him.

"I'm aware, Rick," she told him, reaching out to smooth down some of his wayward hair. "But, just like you sat with me and let me cry, I'm here to feed your kid and let you get some work done."

"It's not…"

"It's exactly the same," she cut him off. "And, you know, Alexis will be fine," she added. If she was reading him correctly, half of this was worry about his kid. He looked up and met her eyes. Oh, maybe more than half of it. "It's the Chicken Pox. She'll be just fine," Kate assured him. He looked a little lost.

"I know," he mumbled. "I just…she hasn't gotten really sick since…" he sighed and Kate waited, knowing what was coming. "Since Meredith moved away. Even when we'd divorced, she'd show up with a toy or something when Alexis was sick—if she was around. And it always made Alexis feel better."

Kate smiled and carded her hand through his hair again. "She looks okay, Rick."

"You weren't here last night," he said quietly. "She kept asking when Mommy was going to come, and I…Kate I just…" he looked up at her and that cheerful façade fell away. "I couldn't tell her Mommy was coming and it killed me."

"Oh, Rick," she sighed, reaching out to pull him into a hug. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his face in her stomach. Her eyes flicked through the doorway and into the kitchen, to the stools where he'd held her like this just a few weeks earlier. It was almost funny, in a kind of horrible, tragic sort of way.

"It'll be okay," she whispered. "It'll get better." The sigh he gave nearly broke her heart and she hugged him tighter for a long moment.

He nodded and pulled back a few minutes later, finding her eyes with his. "I know."

"Do you?"

He smiled. "I do." They were quiet for a minute. "Thanks."

"For you, anything," she smiled.

"Kate!" Alexis called.

They laughed and Rick dropped his arms, allowing Kate to step away. "Coming, Lex," she called. "Where's the calamine?"

"Medicine cabinet in her bathroom," he replied. "She'll probably tucker out soon."

"I'll bring her up then. Should I call you when she's ready to go to sleep?" she asked as she grabbed a bite of her macaroni.

He gave her a grateful smile. "You don't mind?"

"Not at all," she replied. She didn't. It…sick as it kind of was, it was comforting to be able to do this for him—to be able to help someone _else_ deal with problems. "I'll come get you. Write."

"Yes Ma'am," he saluted as she took her bowl and walked out of the office.

She set her bowl down on the counter and then made her way into the living room. "Ready to be slathered, little miss? Did Matilda save the day?"

Alexis nodded. "And lived happily ever after."

Kate smiled and pulled the blanket off her little body, holding out a hand. "Let's get you upstairs and ready for bed, huh?"

"It's early," Alexis protested, even as she stood up and took Kate's hand. "But I am kind of sleepy."

"Happens when you're sick, I'm afraid," Kate replied as she guided the girl out of the living room and up the stairs. "Your dad will be up to tuck you in when you're all ready."

"Okay," Alexis said easily as they made their way into her room. "Can you hurry? I'm _so_ itchy!"

Kate laughed and flicked on the lights before bringing Alexis into her bathroom. "Okay, munchkin. How do you want to do this? Do you want me to do your back and let you do the rest?"

Alexis shook her head. "Can you do it? I hurt."

Kate nodded. She wasn't uncomfortable rubbing Alexis down in pink goop, as long as Alexis wasn't uncomfortable with her doing it. But, as the child stripped down to her underwear and held out her arms like Jack on the front of the Titanic, Kate realized she needn't have worried. She laughed and grabbed the bottle, pouring some onto a cotton ball.

"It's kind of like connect the dots," Alexis said as Kate diligently found every spot and covered it with the pink salve. "Daddy did last night."

"Daddy did what?" Kate asked.

"Daddy connected my spots."

Kate laughed. "Really?"

"Uh-huh. He found one of Gram's mascaras and made different shapes all over!"

Kate smiled at the thought and then chuckled as she spotted a little star that hadn't quite come off in the bath. "I see one right here," she told her, tickling Alexis' side where the star sat on the girl's hip.

Alexis giggled. "Don't tickle me; I'm sick!"

"My apologies," Kate smiled. She looked her over. "Okay, just your face left," she said. "Close your eyes and take a deep breath and hold it, okay?"

Alexis nodded and did as she was told, taking a comically large breath and puffing out her cheeks. Kate worked quickly and hit every spot, all seventeen of them, before the little girl ran out of breath.

"All done," she proclaimed.

"Thanks, Kate," Alexis smiled.

"Anytime, kid. Now, why don't you use the bathroom and put on that big tee shirt on the doorknob and then we'll get you settled?"

Alexis nodded and Kate stood and left the bathroom, closing the door behind her. She walked to the bed and turned down the covers, smoothing the blankets back and fluffing the pillows as she did. There was already a glass of water on the bedside table and Kate noticed Hamilton the turtle in under the far pillow, next to an old, sock monkey.

She smiled at the thought that her Christmas present had warranted a spot on Alexis' bed. Then the door opened, and the pink covered Alexis came out, swimming in what Kate now realized was a Richard Castle tee shirt. He had tee shirts? That man.

"Will you read me a story?" Alexis asked as she climbed into bed, reaching out instinctively for the stuffed animals under the pillows. She brought them to her chest and Kate waited to make sure that the lotion wasn't about to ruin them. But Alexis was careful and kept them against the cotton of the shirt.

"Sure, Lex," Kate replied. "What story?"

"Can we read _Where the Sidewalk Ends_ again?" she asked, her voice small.

Kate smiled. "Of course we can." She found the book in the middle of Alexis' bookshelf and then returned to the bed, kneeling down, but Alexis shook her head.

"On the bed with me, silly," she said, the 'duh,' left unspoken.

Kate laughed at her antics and sat down next to Alexis as she scooted over. She felt Alexis' head against her arm and she wrapped it around the little girl, settling in against the headboard. "Okay, miss princess. What story first?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Yeah right. **

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: So, this is the longest chapter to date. A lot happens, and we cover another month and a half. I've been planning this chapter for a while, and I hope you enjoy it. We'll be seeing some other characters in the next few chapters. Big things happen here, my friends. Let me know what you think. I'm interested.  
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**As always, you are an amazing group of people, and every review, alert and favorite leaves me honored and grateful. Thank you for reading. Thank you for being extraordinary, you guys.**

**Emma  
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><p><strong>Chapter 9:<strong>

"You're being ridiculous."

"I am not."

"Yes you are," Lanie replied, picking a random book off the shelf and turning it over to scan the synopsis. "It's not that big a deal."

"Yes it is," Kate insisted, toying with her cuticle as she scanned yet another fruitless shelf. This was hopeless. "I'm never going to find it."

"Why does it have to be that book? Get him something else. I'm sure he'll love it. Hell, I'm sure he'll love anything you give him."

She sounded exasperated and Kate finally turned to look at her. "Why do you say that?" she asked her friend. Lanie brushed a dark curl away from her face and gave Kate an 'are you kidding me?' look.

"That man calls you practically every day."

"So?" Kate shrugged. That she and Rick called each other all the time wasn't a big deal. It really wasn't. Most of the time, she talked to Alexis for a while, and then she and Rick would chat for a bit, and then they'd hang up. And he'd only called her at work once, maybe twice.

"He's called you at the Precinct at least four times this week."

Kate narrowed her eyes. "Three, thank you. And the last one was because he couldn't find the cookie sheet and Alexis is having a bake sale tomorrow at school."

"Is that why you dragged me out at ten in the morning on your day off? You have to do this now so you can go bake cookies with your man and his kid this afternoon?" She looked too smug for Kate's liking.

"It's for charity, for Easter," she defended as she brought Lanie down another aisle. It had to be here somewhere. This was the biggest Barnes and Noble in the city. They had to have it.

"Through the school? Isn't that illegal or something?"

"It's a Private School," Kate replied. "Are you sure you didn't see it in Classics?"

"Kate, it wasn't in Classics, and it wasn't near the collectibles either. And why do you know where Richard Castle's cookie sheet is?"

Kate blinked and turned her head away from Lanie so that she wouldn't be able to see the blush climbing her cheeks. "I was the last one to use it. And he's not my man," she added as an afterthought.

"Oh, please. That man hasn't so much as hit the gossip column in months. And the first time he did, it was with _you_."

"Lanie," Kate protested, grabbing her elbow to steer her toward the theater section.

"Don't 'Lanie' me. You went to _The Producers_ together like three weeks ago."

"Seeing a musical is a crime?" Kate replied easily. She wasn't going to let Lanie get to her.

"No, of course not," Lanie grinned. "What was criminal was how much you gushed about the show, and how he'd taken you dancing afterward, but you still didn't kiss him!"

"Alexis had a sleep over and I'd switched days with Egrin, so I had a day off the next day. It was just dancing, Lanie," she replied as she crouched down to peruse the plays on the bottom shelf.

It had been a wonderful evening. He'd taken her to the show because she'd admitted to having a thing for Mel Brooks films, and he was a huge fan. They'd sat center orchestra and laughed through the whole thing. She couldn't remember having had so much fun at a show in her life. The comments he made under his breath during different numbers and the foot he bumped against hers whenever they recognized a reference and no one else did had kept her smiling the whole time.

Afterward, they'd stood on the street, both very awake and dressed for the theater, and he'd turned to her with a smile.

_"So, Kate, might I interest you in continuing this evening?" he asked._

_ Kate considered him, dressed in his suit and tie, his eyes twinkling. "Just what did you have in mind, Mr. Castle?" She wasn't eager for the evening to end either._

_ "Well, I happen to know a very nice club that has a wonderful band on Wednesdays. Care to go dancing?"_

_ She met his eyes and smiled, taking the arm he extended to her. "I'd love to."_

_ He grinned and led her down the street, hailing a cab and scooting in after her. "I haven't had that much fun at a show in ages," he told her, his body warm next to hers._

_ "Me either," she admitted. It had been delightful. "I don't get to go much as it is."_

_ "Well, any time you want to see a show, just tell me. I'm happy to take you."_

_ He looked completely sincere and she smiled, laying a hand on his knee and giving it a squeeze. "Your mother made the same offer."_

_ He gasped. "Beaten to it by my own mother. How will I survive?"_

_ "Melodramatically, I'm sure," she snorted, turning to watch the city lights go by out the window. He laid his hand on top of hers and they passed the rest of the ride in a contented silence. She was comfortable and happy and carefree for the night, and it felt great._

_ When the cab stopped, Rick paid the cabbie (something Kate had long ago given up fighting for) and got out, extending a hand to help Kate step out onto the curb. He tucked her arm through his and then guided her into a glass building that danced with colors. Silhouettes of other dancers could be seen through the big windows and Kate looked around curiously as they entered the club. It looked like there should be rap music, with the colored lights and large open windows, but when they got inside, she was greeted by the soothing sounds of Jazz. She grinned._

_ "Like it?" he asked._

_ "It's great," she replied, looking around at the wide, wooden dance floor with small tables lining the white walls, and a bar in the back corner. The band was on a stage against the left wall of the room, the members dressed in vests and jeans. The other dancers were a mix of formal and informal, and everyone looked at ease, swaying to the gentle music. _

_ Rick handed their jackets to the coat check and then led Kate out onto the floor, her smaller hand held in his. He pulled her into his arms and she smiled and wrapped an arm around his neck as they swayed. The music was soft, yet syncopated, and they moved well together. The hesitancy and awkwardness she and Will had felt when dancing, each unsure of his or her steps, wasn't there. They just moved together. He didn't exactly lead, but he was sure of himself, and she felt confident in moving with him, knowing that he knew his own feet._

_ "How did you find this place?" she asked as the band played another song, this one slower, more fluid. There were no vocals, but the sax played a rough, haunting melody. "It doesn't look like a Jazz club."_

_"My friend Andre owns it," Rick replied, his breath hot against her cheek. "It's normally a hip-hop club, as you can see from the lights, but he's more into Jazz, so he does this on Wednesdays."_

_ She smiled and then laughed as he twirled them around, quite in time, yet out of place with the slow music. "You're a good dancer."_

_ "You're a good partner," he replied._

_ "Laying on the charm," Kate observed as his hand drew soft circles against the fabric of her long black dress._

_ "Just stating facts. The level of charm present in the facts is equal to the level of grace present in the subject," he murmured._

_ "Really?" she giggled. "Are you trying to seduce me, Mr. Castle?" The thought escaped unbidden and she bit her lip as he chuckled into her ear._

_ "Oh, Miss Beckett, if I were trying to seduce you, you'd know," he whispered. "As for now, I'm just enjoying the dance with a great dance partner. Let me know if you want to be seduced, though."_

_ She flicked his ear and he laughed. He was charming; there was no denying it. But she wasn't out to be charmed tonight. At least, that was what she told herself. _

"I don't understand why the two of you aren't going at it. He's hot, Kate. And he's so obviously into you."

"He is not," Kate replied, crouching down and scanning through the plays. Had Lanie been talking the whole time? She didn't want to consider the idea that she'd been lost in a memory of Rick Castle, so she redoubled her efforts to find the damn play until she caught the title. "Aha!"

"Did you finally find it?" Lanie asked with excitement.

Kate nodded and pulled _Cymbeline_ off the shelf. She stood and clutched the play to her chest. "Got it."

"Can you remind me why it had to be the most obscure Shakespeare work ever? You couldn't have just gotten him a nice copy of _The Tempest_ or something?"

Kate shook her head with a smile. "Imogen, the main female character, is the only non-mechanistic female Shakespearean character ever written," she explained.

"So?"

"So," Kate continued, "Rick told me that there was no such character. I'm about to prove him wrong," she grinned. He'd be furious. It was perfect.

"For his Birthday? You're going to prove him wrong for his 30th Birthday?" Lanie looked indignant and crossed her arms over her chest.

"What?" Kate asked. It was the perfect present. He'd think it was hysterical, especially if she went through and highlighted every one of Imogen's lines.

"Girl, that's the way to emasculate a man, not celebrate him."

Kate rolled her eyes. "No, Lanie. It's how to win an argument. And he'll think it's great. He's been raking in the sentimental gifts all month and he was telling me on Sunday night that he'd love to get something that wasn't covered in lipstick or swimming in hearts."

"So you're getting him a heap of 'I-told-you-so?' Kate, really. Get him a tie or something," Lanie insisted as she followed Kate toward the register.

"I'm not getting him a tie, Lanie. He's my friend, not my Ken doll," she replied. Honestly, Lanie was being ridiculous. He'd love it.

"He's your man. You're supposed to dress him up."

"He's not my man," Kate repeated. "He's my friend. And I know what to get him for his Birthday," she continued as they walked through an aisle of bright and colorful cards. She glanced over at them and grinned when she spotted one that proclaimed, 'Happy Birthday, Grandpa!' "Perfect," she exclaimed, lifting it off the shelf.

"Kate, really. Stop it!" Lanie protested, making a grab for the card. "I can't let you do this."

"Lanie, he'll laugh his ass off. It's the right present. Don't worry. Now, you go get on line for coffee, and I'll meet you there once I've paid," she told her.

Lanie scowled. "Don't come crying to me when this goes sour. You should be doing back flips to keep that man."

Kate shooed her away. She got on line at the register, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. She didn't need to do back flips. Rick wasn't going anywhere. His _friendship_ wasn't going anywhere. They saw each other all the time. She was going over after this to bake cookies with them. They weren't to be kept. They were her friends, and Lanie was crazy.

"Miss?" the guy at the register broke her from her thoughts and she moved forward to buy Rick his present. He'd love it. He would.

…

"I'm on my way up now, Alexis," Kate said as she got out of her car, grabbing the present off the passenger seat as she went. "Yes. Right now."

"Come on!" her little voice whined over the phone. "I wanna give Daddy his present and I waited all day!"

Kate laughed and gave a wave to the doorman as she walked in. "I'm getting in the elevator right now. I'll see you in a minute."

"Okay. Hurry!" she pleaded before clicking off.

Kate shook her head and got into the elevator, pushing the button for the fifth floor. She'd actually gone home after work this time so that she could change and grab Rick's present; she just didn't feel like celebrating his Birthday wearing two layers of street grime and some substances from a dumpster she'd rather not think about. Alexis hadn't been happy with the delay, apparently because she'd held off on giving Rick his present, and was impatient, as seven-year-olds usually are.

Kate smiled as she stepped out of the elevator and walked to the apartment door. She was looking forward to seeing what Rick thought of her present. She wasn't looking forward to the party he'd convinced her to attend on Thursday. But she didn't have time to ponder it as the door flew open and Alexis was grabbing her hand, yanking her into the apartment.

"Finally!" she exclaimed dramatically.

"I'm half an hour late," Kate laughed. "A little patience, munchkin."

Alexis glared up at her. "I have no patience. I used it up on Daddy."

"What did your Daddy do to use up all your patience?" Kate asked as she took off her jacket.

"He's been asking what I got him for half an hour," Alexis sighed. "I left him with Gram."

Kate fought a laugh. That explained Alexis' attitude with her delay. She let the little girl haul her into the living room and smiled at the sight of Martha flopped backward on the couch, Rick sitting excitedly beside her, looking like a kid at Christmas.

"Don't tell me you're torturing your mother too," Kate said by way of greeting.

Rick looked up and grinned at her. "You're here!"

"I'm sorry it took so long. But I hear you've kept everyone busy by being your normal annoying self, Birthday Boy?" she replied.

He stood and walked over to her while Alexis hopped onto the couch and patted her grandmother consolingly on the leg.

"It's my Birthday, don't be mean," he said as he reached her.

"Happy Birthday," she replied, extending the present to him.

He took it and turned it over in his hands. "Is it a puppy?"

"Yes," she replied. "It's a puppy. I cut it up and stuffed it into a book-shaped box."

"Kate!" Alexis squealed.

"I'm kidding, Alexis," she said, bending around Rick to meet her gaze. "Don't worry. I'd never do such a thing."

"I thought it was funny," Martha told her while Alexis glared. "In a kind of macabre sort of way."

"Thank you, Martha. Now I know where Ricky here gets it." She turned back to Rick and found that he'd already demolished the paper and was now examining the play. "You know, it's customary to wait to open gifts until the gift giver is watching."

"You got me a Shakespeare play," he replied, meeting her gaze. "A really obscure Shakespeare play."

"Meet Imogen, the only innocent, non-mechanistic female character."

She noticed Alexis hopping up and scampering out of the room while Rick gaped at her. "You proved me wrong?" he asked, his voice astonished. "And that's my present?"

She nodded and felt doubt seep into her system. Maybe Lanie had been right last week. Maybe this wasn't the best idea. But then his face cracked into an enormous smile and he was hugging her, his large frame wrapped around her as he laughed in her ear.

"It's great. Thank you."

She smiled and hugged him back. "You're welcome. Happy Birthday. There's a card in there too."

He pulled back excitedly and removed the card. He frowned at the cover.

"What does it say, Darling?" Martha asked from the couch.

"It says 'Happy Birthday, Grandpa,' on the front," he told her, taking a second to narrow his eyes at Kate before he opened the card. Martha laughed loudly. "And it says, 'To Rick, Happy Birthday. You're not quite a grandpa yet, but you are halfway to sixty. Love, Kate. PS: You look damn good for halfway to sixty,' on the inside."

He looked up. "Thank you for saying I look damn good."

She grinned. She knew he'd like the gift. "Anytime."

"My turn!" Alexis announced as she bounded back into the room. She walked up to them and handed Rick an oddly shaped, roughly wrapped package that crinkled as he took it from her.

Alexis pulled Kate down on the couch next to Martha and then climbed up into her lap. Kate startled but then wrapped her arms around the little girl, ignoring the pleased look Martha shot her. She always felt like she was on display with Martha around, watching her every move and approving. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it always seemed to make the little physical touches she and Alexis and Rick exchanged seem more meaningful than they were.

Rick sat down on the coffee table and gingerly unwrapped Alexis' gift. The yellow paper fell away and he was staring down at a cube made from popsicle sticks and glue. Each face of the cube held a separate picture of Alexis, or Alexis and Rick, or on one side, Alexis, Rick and Kate. The popsicle frame had different beads and sequins glued to the outside, and it looked far more ornate that it had when Alexis and Kate had made it the previous week.

Kate watched as Rick turned the cube, his eyes suspiciously shiny. He looked up at Alexis and grinned. "It's amazing, Pumpkin. Thank you," he said, his voice a bit hoarse.

"You're welcome, Daddy. Happy Birthday."

"The best Birthday ever," he smiled.

"Kate helped me make it," Alexis added.

Rick locked eyes with Kate. "She did?"

"Uh-huh! When you went to your meeting last week, and Kate and I baked cookies, we really made you this," Alexis explained.

It had been a fun afternoon, sitting on the floor of Alexis' room, gluing popsicle sticks together to make the cube, and then sorting through piles of pictures to put in the finished product. They'd spent three hours doing it, and had laughed and giggled their way through the day. Alexis was brilliant fun, and it had been such a relaxing afternoon for Kate. Plus, some of the pictures Martha had provided them with had been of a much younger Rick Castle, including one of his baby photos. The bare bottom of Rick Castle, sticking up from a couch where he was doing a headstand, was an image she'd not soon forget.

"Well, thank you to both of you," Rick said quietly, his eyes still glued to Kate's.

"Our pleasure," Kate replied with a grin. He looked so grateful, and it made her stomach clench. Why, she wasn't sure.

"Shall we eat?" Martha asked, breaking their staring contest.

"What are we having?" Kate asked as Alexis hopped up and scurried to the dining room, Martha hot on her heels.

"No idea," Rick replied, offering her a hand to help her off the couch.

She took it and he hauled her up, but she stumbled and ended up bumping into him, so they stood chest to chest. She met his gaze and found him staring back at her with wide, emotion filled eyes.

"Thanks for helping her make my present."

"It was fun," she replied. "She's great, and she wanted to make you something really special."

"I love it," he told her.

"Daddy!" Alexis called.

"Dinner time," he said quietly. They stared at each other for another moment before he broke away and turned, guiding her into the dining room, his hand on her back. She couldn't quite explain the moment they'd just shared, but it had been intense. His eyes were just so very _blue_.

"What's this?" he asked as they walked around the wall and came face to face with a huge spread of take-out containers. Everything from hot wings to french fries, to tacos covered the table.

"It's your Birthday dinner," Alexis explained. "Everything a man should have," she continued in a low voice.

Rick and Kate laughed and he bumped her with his hip. "Did you do this?"

"It was Martha's idea," Kate replied, grinning at the matriarch. It was brilliant, and she wasn't going to lie; it looked delicious.

"Well, dig in," Martha insisted.

"Best Birthday Ever!" Rick enthused as they sat down. "With my three favorite women. Can't get better than this," he beamed, reaching for a wing.

Kate smiled along with Martha and Alexis as Rick groaned and gasped with each new food he found on the table. His _three_ favorite women. When had she become part of that group? And when had she given her stomach permission to turn somersaults at the phrase?

They weren't dating. Kate was relatively sure that she wasn't ready to start dating again. Even though it had been nearly five months since she'd broke up with Will, she still found the prospect of dating repulsive. Though, to be fair, she wouldn't have to get to know Rick…but they weren't dating. He was still hurting from the divorce and separation, and she was just _hurting_. Now wasn't the time. And he hadn't shown any interest in making it the time, so she was content. She could stay here, in the happy land of friends for a good long time. It was all she wanted, right?

"To the three most amazing women," Rick said, raising his glass, "For giving me the best Birthday ever."

…..

Kate stepped out of the elevator and smoothed down her dress, the fingers of her left hand flexing on her clutch. She was jittery and her heels clacked loudly against the floor as she walked toward apartment 504, where she could hear the steady thrum of music and chatter. She was really about to go to Richard Castle's 30th Birthday bash.

She took a deep breath, feeling the butterflies growing stronger in her stomach as she stood there in front of the door. It wasn't a big deal. It was just a party—a party full of famous people and rich people and important people. And who was she?

Before she could decide whether or not it really was a good idea, and whether or not she really was going to do it, the door opened and she was staring at Martha.

"Kate!" she beamed. "Oh, he'll be so happy to see you."

"Hi, Martha," Kate smiled, feeling a little more at ease. At least the Mayor hadn't opened the door. Martha, she could deal with.

"How are you, dear? You look amazing."

Kate blushed. "You do too," she replied, taking in the green, long-sleeved number Martha wore, her hair falling in gentle curls. "I love your dress."

Martha scoffed and gave her a smile as she steered her into the room. "You flatter me, Kate. But, it's you we've been waiting to see. That dress is to die for," she added as they turned the corner.

Kate's eyes widened. The loft was packed. All of the furniture in the living room had been pushed to the side to make a dance floor, where about ten couples were swaying to music blasting from Rick's impressive sound system. Waiters zipped in and out of the milling crowd, carrying trays of fancy tapas and martini glasses. Everywhere she looked, she saw high profile members of the city, some sitting on the sofa, others leaning against the bar, others standing in tight little groups—it was a sea of New York's Finest.

"Now, where is that son of mine?" Martha muttered, scanning the crowd. "Ah, he's by the office. Go say hello, dear," she said, giving Kate a gentle push.

Kate turned to say something—anything—to her, but Martha was gone, already winding back through the crowd toward a distinguished looking older gentleman, her green pumps disappearing in a sea of heels and dress shoes. Kate sighed and glanced around. She didn't know anyone here, and she felt horribly out of place. The red dress she'd picked seemed to stick out as too vibrant, too different. Everyone else looked distinguished, or comfortable, or…something that she certainly didn't feel.

But then she found Rick in the crowd and he caught her eye. His face split in a wide grin and she watched as he hastily gave an excuse to the nice couple he'd been talking to, moving toward her with purposeful steps. He wore a black suit jacket and dress pants, his eyes sparkling against a deep blue dress shirt, sans tie. He looked fantastic and she was moderately aware of the fact that she was staring at him just as pointedly as he was staring at her.

He reached her in a matter of moments and they stood there, looking at each other for a minute before she found her voice. "Happy Birthday, again," she said.

He beamed. "Thank you." He reached for her hand and she gave it to him. Then he twirled her beneath his arm, the skirt of her dress flaring out. "You look amazing," he murmured.

She turned to face him again and told her cheeks to stop blushing. Honestly, how old was she? "Thank you," she replied.

The dress didn't seem so out of place now, not with his eyes roaming her figure with that smile. The tight halter-top bodice clung to her torso and then let go at the waist, falling to her knees in a soft flare. The dress moved as she did and the four-inch, red pumps gave her added height so that she and Rick were nearly eye-to-eye.

"Really, Kate. You're stunning," he continued, her hand still clutched in his.

The butterflies were back with a vengeance and Kate fought to keep from smiling like a schoolgirl at his words. "Again, thank you. But, this is your party," she told him. "And it looks like it's a hit."

He nodded and they turned to look out at the room together. "Paula outdid herself. She wouldn't let me help," he told her as he dropped her hand and scooted closer so that they could hear each other over the music, his hand falling to rest, warm and heavy on the small of her back. "I'm glad you could make it."

"Me too," she replied, turning to look at him. "You don't look bad yourself," she added, raising a hand to straighten the lapel of his suit. "Very debonair."

"I try," he grinned. And then something caught his eye over her shoulder. "Oh, I have to introduce you to some people. Come with me?"

It wasn't so much a question as a statement, as he took her hand and pulled her over to a group of men who were standing around his bookshelves. They turned as Kate and Rick approached and she realized, with a start, that they were The Authors. Patterson, Connelly, and Cannell greeted Rick with jovial pats on the back and a few snide comments on his age.

"The baby's finally growing up," Stephen Cannell laughed. "How's it feel?"

"Feels pretty good, at the moment," Rick replied. "Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Kate Beckett," he said, stepping aside so that they could get a clear look at her.

"Hello," Kate managed, trying desperately to appear calm and collected. These were _The Authors_—the most famous names in Crime literature. She'd have to talk to Rick about giving her advanced notice. She felt like a fool and they all looked so interested. What could she possibly have to say to them?

"So you're _the_ Kate," Connelly said, extending a hand to her. "Nice to meet you. I'm Michael."

"Stephen," Cannell added, taking her hand next.

"James," Patterson followed suit. "I must say, she's everything you've said she is, Castle."

Rick grinned and his hand fell back to its place on her back. "Isn't she though?"

Kate glanced at him, unsure of whether to be flattered by the fact that he spoke of her to his poker buddies, or embarrassed by the attention. He gave her a smile and then turned back to the three men, who she was surprised to find were watching them with rather rapt attention.

"Rick tells us that you work in Homicide," said Patterson. "Do you ever get sick of him and his crazy ideas, actually doing the real thing?"

Kate opened her mouth but Rick beat her to it. "The real thing? Oh, like your murders are more realistic than mine."

"Hey, champ, don't try and play with the big boys," Connelly laughed. "You're still behind by two books this year."

Rick scowled and Patterson turned back to Kate. "Do you?"

She laughed a bit at the ridiculous of it all. Richard Castle getting hazed by the 'big boys?' This was priceless. "Not yet, but I'll be sure to let you know when it happens," she replied.

They laughed and Rick nudged her with his hip. "Thanks," he grumbled.

"I like you, Kate," Cannell told her. "I hear you keep him in his place."

"He tells you that?" she asked with a grin.

"Oh, no, Martha," Connelly laughed. "Rick would never admit to such a thing."

"Because it's really Alexis that has the most sway," Kate added as an afterthought. "She's the power in this house."

"Okay, okay," Rick held up a hand. "I'm taking her away. I don't like this. It's my Birthday."

"Nice to meet you," she told the men as Rick began to pull her back toward the middle of the room.

"Likewise," they chorused.

She laughed as Rick made a more concentrated effort and practically hauled her over to the island in the kitchen. She met his eyes as he turned around to face her and had to stifle a laugh at how indignant he looked. It was adorable. She mentally slapped herself. She had to stop letting that voice out of its box.

"That was cruel," he announced.

"Oh, come on. It was funny," she replied. "And what was I supposed to do? You tell your writer buddies about me, and then introduce me without any warning? Come on, you still come out on top in that equation."

"I'd be happy to come out on top in any equation that involves you," he said. "Actually, bottom or top, not picky." She stared at him. "Oh, yeah, that actually came out of my mouth, didn't it?" he asked, his own eyes wide. "So sorry." Then he took her hand and began to lead her toward the dance floor and another group of people. "Anyway, more people to meet."

"Rick…" she stammered. But she was cut off by a harried looking Paula.

"Rick, good, finally found you. I need you to come with me. Reporter's here."

"Oh," Rick glanced at Kate. "I…can't it wait?"

Paula gave him an exasperated look. "No. Now, come on. I'll let you get back to…her," she glanced at Kate, "in a few minutes. Come on."

Rick gave her an apologetic look. "I'll be back," he murmured as Paula yanked him away and down the hall.

Kate blinked and watched them go. She didn't quite have the brainpower to figure that last comment out, and so she stood there awkwardly, looking around the room for a familiar face. It was still early, perhaps only nearly 10pm, and the room was bursting to the gills with people. She was jostled as a man walked past and then she stood there, gaping.

"Captain Montgomery?"

The man turned and a smile spread across his face. "Officer Beckett, what a surprise," he said, stepping toward her as another waiter passed. "I didn't know you knew Castle."

"Oh, I…yeah," she finished lamely. Great. Very smooth. "I, uh, didn't know you knew Castle."

"We just started a poker game," Montgomery replied, "with me, Castle, Judge Markaway and Bob, the Mayor."

Kate cocked her head to the side. "You play poker with Bob, the Mayor?"

"Castle knows everyone," Montgomery laughed. "I didn't realize that you were _the_ Kate."

'The Kate,' she'd have to ask Rick why everyone seemed to refer to her that way. "I guess I am," she shrugged. "It's a nice party."

"Very lively," Montgomery nodded. "I'm sorry to do this, but I have to get back to my wife," he held up the two martinis he was carrying. "Date night, you know?"

She laughed. Her Captain was on 'date night' at Rick's party. The world had never seemed quite so small. Then movement at the top of the stairs caught her eye, a flash of red hair falling around the top of the stairwell. "You have a good night, Captain," she said with a smile.

He nodded and moved away while Kate walked toward the staircase. She looked around to make sure no one was paying attention, and then walked upstairs. She stuck her head around the wall and smiled. Alexis and another little girl—Paige, she'd guess—were huddled on the floor, whispering to each other.

"I see someone's out of bed," Kate said to announce her presence. She remembered spying on her parent's parties at this age.

"Kate!" Alexis exclaimed, turning to look at her, half excited, half guilty.

Kate sat down on the top step and pulled one leg under her other, so that she could look at the girls. "I'm betting it's a bit too loud to sleep, huh? Are you Paige?" She asked, looking at the dark-haired little girl in the flannel nighty. She nodded shyly.

"That's Kate," Alexis whispered. "It was really loud," she said, turning back to Kate and biting her lip. "And we just wanted to see for a little bit. You won't tell Paula?"

Why did it seem like all bad things stemmed from Paula? Kate gave Alexis a smile. "I won't. Why shouldn't I, though?"

"She told us to stay in my room and not come out, and that good little girls should be asleep all night, not roaming around the house," Alexis told her. "And she shut the door loud."

Kate frowned. "Did your Dad tuck you in?"

"Yeah," she nodded. "But Paula came up after that 'cause we were being too loud."

"We were just playing," Paige added in a small voice.

"I'm sure you were fine," Kate told them. There were probably seventy people downstairs, and Paula was worried about the noise two little girls would make? What a witch. She looked at the girls and then glanced down at the party. She couldn't see Rick, and probably wouldn't be missed if she stayed for a minute or two.

"So, tell me, what have you seen? Anything good?" she asked the girls.

Their faces lit up and Alexis scooted closer, Paige right behind her. "You're the prettiest," she said.

Kate blushed. "Thanks, Kid."

"It's true," Paige added, nodding her head, her braid bouncing with the movement. "Then Alexis' Gram."

"Martha does look fabulous," Kate agreed. "Anything else?"

"Paula nearly crashed into one of the waiters," Alexis said. "It was funny, but she yelled at him. She's not very nice."

Kate ran a hand over Alexis' back. Kate thought so too, but didn't want to tell Alexis that; this woman was part of the girl's life, whether they liked it or not. "She just wants the party to be perfect for your Dad."

"But Daddy doesn't care," Alexis protested. "He likes it when things fall. He thinks it's funny."

Kate snorted. "I'm sure he does. That would be so like your father."

"He kept looking for you," Alexis continued. "He looked at the door whenever it opened."

Kate glanced over at the girls. That wasn't important information to her, and it certainly didn't mean anything that Alexis thought her father had been waiting for Kate to arrive. "He could have been waiting for anyone," Kate replied.

"But he was waiting for you," Alexis insisted. "And he smiled really big when he saw you."

"Just how long have you guys been up here?" Kate asked, looking to steer them away from that line of discussion.

Paige blushed guiltily. "A while."

Kate gave her a smile. "Are you guys tired?"

They shook their heads. "And we're bored in my room," Alexis whispered.

Kate nodded and tried to think of a good solution. The guest room had a TV, and what would it hurt if the girls slept in there instead of in Alexis' room? That way they'd have something to do, and maybe the TV could drown out the noise from the party.

"Here's what we'll do," she said, turning to them. "Why don't we get you guys set up in the guest room, and you can watch TV or a movie?"

"Really?" Alexis asked.

"Yes, really," Kate laughed. "You're already up, right? So why not do something more fun than watching us boring adults?" The girls grinned. "Go on and get your stuff and we'll get you set up in there."

They stood with giggles and scampered down the hall. Kate followed them back to Alexis' room and helped them bring their pillows into the big guest room. She'd stayed over once in this room, after a long movie night. Rick had insisted, and since she'd practically been asleep on his shoulder, she hadn't argued. She'd allowed him to guide her upstairs and into this room, where she'd unceremoniously collapsed onto the big bed, with its satin sheets and pillows made of heaven.

He'd laughed and tucked her in, leaving her with a kiss on her forehead and the promise of pancakes in the morning. She'd gotten one of the best sleeps of her life on that bed, and now, watching Alexis and Paige clamber up onto it, she was a bit jealous. Snuggling in with them sounded like a lot more fun, and a lot less stress than being down at the party. But she couldn't. She had to be an adult. And maybe by the time she got back down there, Rick would be done taking his pictures.

Kate got them snuggled down under the green comforter and turned on the TV, tossing the remote to Alexis. "You guys sure you'll be okay in here?" she asked as she smoothed the blankets down and gave them each a kiss on the forehead. When had she started doing that? It felt so natural now.

The girls nodded and settled in. She turned to leave but Alexis caught her hand. "You promise Paula won't be angry?" she whispered. Kate would punch that woman for making Alexis seem so unsure of herself.

"I promise. I'll deal with Paula. And you know your Dad won't be mad," she told the girl, kneeling down so that they could talk eye-to-eye. "And I gave you the all clear, so it's okay."

"Thanks, Kate," Alexis said, her smile warm. "You're the best."

"I think you're pretty great too, kid," she told her, smoothing an errant strand of hair off the girl's face. "You guys have fun."

"You too," they chorused as she stood.

"Night, guys."

"Night."

She closed the door softly behind her and then leaned against the wall for a second. Paula Haas had some explaining to do, or at least Rick did. Why had he let that woman go upstairs at all? Alexis didn't need supervision like that. She was more responsible than Rick most of the time.

She heard the girls giggling and whispering through the door and smiled, pushing off from the wall. She straightened her top and smoothed a hand through her hair before she walked back down the hall, leaving her clutch on the nightstand in Alexis' room. She began walking downstairs, but Paula was standing at the bottom of the staircase, and Kate couldn't see a way to avoid the woman. She took a deep breath and plastered on a smile as she stepped to the floor.

"Kate Beckett, I presume," Paula said as their eyes met. She didn't extend a hand.

"Paula," Kate nodded. "We've met before."

"Right. At the signing back in…November, was it?" she asked, a hand on her hip, her black dress shimmering in the light. "Quite a while ago."

"Time does pass like that," Kate remarked. She didn't care if it was curt. She wasn't very happy with Paula at the moment. No one got to make Alexis look like that.

"I see you're still around," the other woman remarked. "Would you like a drink?"

Kate hesitated for a second. Was Paula really offering her a drink while she vetted her? "No, thank you," Kate replied. She had no desire to be anything near tipsy for this confrontation.

"Oh, well, come to the bar with me while I get one, then," she replied, taking Kate's elbow and steering her through the loft to the island, where the caterers had set up the bar. "Vodka tonic," she said to the college kid behind the counter.

He nodded and began mixing her drink while Paula looked out at the room. "You've spent a lot of time with Rick these past few months," she said, as though she were talking about the weather.

"We're friends," Kate offered guardedly. She couldn't get a read on this woman. Was she vetting her? Was she judging her? Was she just being a bitch? It was so unclear.

"More than friends, from the looks of it," Paula continued, taking the drink the kid offered her without so much as a nod. "He talks about you constantly."

"We're friends," Kate repeated. She shifted uneasily and toyed with one of her fingers. This was uncomfortable and invasive, but she couldn't see a way to slip away without making it worse.

Another couple approached the bar and Paula stepped away from the counter, coming to stand at the edge of the dance floor, forcing Kate to follow her.

"It's smart, the kid angle," she offered after a minute of awkward silence.

"Excuse me?" Kate spluttered.

"I saw you talking to Alexis. It's smart, really," she continued, glancing over at her. "Getting in with his daughter first, so you can go in for the kill from the inside. I have to give you credit; you're very dedicated. I haven't seen anyone work this hard for him in a while." She raised her glass as if she were giving her a toast.

Kate couldn't seem to make her jaw work. She was livid. How dare this woman suggest that she was using Alexis in some underhanded ploy to land herself in Rick Castle's bed!

"But, really, honey, he's obviously caught. Give it up and sleep with him already," Paula said easily.

"Excuse me?" Kate found her voice and the gates opened. "I'm not using Alexis to get to Rick at all. I'm not trying to _get_ to Rick. He's my friend, and I don't like what you're insinuating."

"Oh please," Paula scoffed, turning to look at her. "You can drop the act, Kate."

Kate narrowed her eyes and attempted to resist the urge to claw this woman's face off. "I am not here to bed Rick Castle, Paula. And if I ever hear that you've said anything like this to Alexis, I can personally assure that your job will be the least of your worries." It spilled from her mouth with venom and Kate fought to keep herself from saying more. She didn't need to give her _more_ ammo.

"You're very good," Paula replied, seemingly unfazed. "But really. Give it up. Just let him get you out of his system, all right?"

"Get me out of his system?" Kate snorted. "That's rich."

"No, what's rich, is that you're stringing him along," Paula snapped. "Do you know the damage you've done to his image? The work he's made me to do keep the two of you _out_ of the paper? He's Richard Castle. He needs to be on Page Six, not hiding out playing house."

"Look," Kate started, but Paula held up a hand.

"You've done a great job. He's chomping at the bit, I'm sure. So just seal the deal, honey, and let him get you out of his system so he can move on with his career, okay?"

Kate was about to reply, or perhaps slap that smug expression off of Paula's face, but a hand settled against the small of her back and she turned, startled. Rick Castle was livid, his face tight with restrained anger, and he was glaring at Paula with a look that made Kate want to step back. He looked enraged.

But when he spoke, it was controlled, quiet, deadly. "Paula." The woman in question looked stoic, but Kate could see the panic behind her dark eyes. "You are not to speak to Kate again. You are not to speak to my daughter unless I give you express permission. You are not to call me. You are not to email me. You are not to come within ten feet of this house until I tell you so." The hand on her back was tense, its fingers digging against the fabric of her dress. "And finally, you are never to insinuate in any way, shape, or form, that Katherine Beckett is anything to be 'gotten out' of my system. May I have this dance?"

Kate blinked and turned to look at him, realizing that he was now looking at her, his blue eyes dark with restrained emotion. "Yes," she replied shakily.

Then he was pulling her away from Paula, who looked like she'd just been hit by a semi, and leading her onto the dance floor. He took her hand in his and wrapped the other around her waist, pulling her close, so their linked hands rested on his chest. She wrapped her free arm around his neck and they swayed to the slow ballad pumping out of the speakers, his body strong against hers.

They were quiet for a long time, just moving together. Kate's thoughts were a mess, flying from rage, to amazement, to anger, to confusion at equal measure. She was furious and insulted and bizarrely hurt by Paula's accusations. But she was equally awed and flattered and warmed by Rick's strong defense of her. Then she was confused by the defense, and what it meant, and what he meant, and what they were. Her head whirred dizzily, and the feel of him pressed against her, his hand warm around hers, his arm around her body, his cologne and his smell and his heat radiating out to her—it was all nearly too much.

"I'm sorry," he murmured a few minutes later.

She sighed and gently kneaded the back of his neck with her fingers. "Don't be. Wasn't you," she replied. She didn't want him to be sorry. He had nothing to be sorry about.

"She had no right to say any of those things to you," he continued.

She pulled back to meet his eyes. "Just how much of that did you hear?"

"Enough to kind of want to fire her," he replied, meeting her gaze steadily. "I kept trying to jump in, but the two of you…cat fight doesn't quite cover it, but, God, Kate, I'm so sorry."

She laughed and squeezed his hand. "Really. Don't be."

He nodded after a moment and they swayed together, staring into each other's eyes in that way they did sometimes—those moments when the world fell away and she was lost in his eyes, maudlin as that sounded.

But the nagging voice at the back of her head grew louder, and she found that she couldn't quite stop her mouth from tumbling through the words. "You do know that I'm not here because of what she said, right?"

He blinked. "What?"

They both laughed a bit, nervous and uncomfortable, yet together in the feeling. "I'm not…God. I'm not using Alexis to get into your bed," she mumbled.

He laughed, loudly, and the sound eased the knot in her chest that had taken up residence since Paula's tirade. "I know," he told her, smiling.

"Good," she replied.

"And," he looked apprehensive for a second, before she watched him throw caution to the wind. "You know that you're not something to get out of my system."

"I know," she whispered. But, then again, what was she, exactly?

"You're not something to be gotten out of my system," he continued. "Once you're in my system, I'm never getting you out."

They had stopped moving. They were just standing there. Her breath was caught in her throat and she didn't know what to do. Had he just…and…but…So many things swirled through her head, but the look he was giving her—the intense, burning, smoldering look of promise—kept her from making sense of everything in her mind.

"I'm not saying now," he murmured. "I'm not saying tomorrow."

"But you're saying it," she whispered, finding her voice. He was saying someday. Did they have a someday?

"I am," he replied, looking as shocked by the admission as she was to hear it. Then he started moving again, pulling her back to his chest so that they danced cheek-to-cheek, Kate's eyes roaming around the room without seeing anything. "I'm saying that someday, when I'm less wounded…"

"And I'm less broken," she whispered, understanding now what he meant. When they'd both healed and come back from their own separate heartaches, when they didn't need each other to stand up, maybe they could stand together.

"We could make a go of it," he finished, his breath hot against her ear. Her heart thudded in her throat and she could feel his pounding against the hand he held at his chest. "But right now…"

"Right now, you're my best friend, and we're dancing at your 30th Birthday party," she replied. Right now, they'd be just as they were—dysfunctional, attracted, and remarkably them.

"And what a great party it is," he told her, giving her a squeeze. "You highlighted all of Imogen's lines in the play."

She smiled and took a deep breath, filling her nose with the smell of him and the safety of the time they had. Their moment had passed, and everything that had come with it, all the realizations and deep admissions, could be put away. They could save them for the time when they were ready. Now, it was time to celebrate.

"Had to prove it to you," she replied. "That way you just can't deny it anymore. I win. I am the more scholarly of us two."

He released her and spun her out in a quick movement that made her laugh as he pulled her back in. "Ah, but I am the better dancer."

"You wish!" she giggled as he spun them around, moving to the faster music they'd ignored a minute earlier.

"I'll just have to prove it to you, unless you're chicken," he challenged, his gaze heavy with attitude and the hint of something deeper—something to be dealt with in a long while.

But they had time. They had lots of time. And so she grinned and returned his gaze. "Bring it, Old Man."


	10. Chapter 10

**Title: Of Finding Innocence**

**Disclaimer: Don't ruin my story with your logic.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: A less eventful chapter in the grand scheme, but things are set up and, well, who doesn't love some Kalexis?**

**Thank you all for your overwhelming support, recommendations, reviews, alerts, favorites and messages. I know I say it a lot, but you guys are extraordinary.**

**Emma**

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><p><strong>Chapter 10:<strong>

"I am not a fan of paperwork," Esposito announced late one afternoon in the beginning of May.

"No one is a fan of paperwork," Kate replied, running a frustrated hand through her hair as she flipped through the seven-page packet on her desk. "In fact, if you are, I think you're inhuman."

"Why did there have to be so many suspects this time?" he moaned, scrolling through the expansive list on his computer, tapping his fingers against his desk.

Karpowski popped a bubble of gum at the next desk over and Kate wanted to scream. She bit her lip and zeroed in on giving an accurate description of the alley that they'd spent the greater part of the afternoon in. There had been a ton of evidence to collect; dismemberment usually meant missing articles of clothing that needed to be harvested. And wasn't it their good fortune that they got to go looking for entrail encrusted shirts and pants and watches?

"I'm still smelling it, you know," Esposito muttered. "Like all the Lysol in the world couldn't get rid of it."

Kate nodded and swallowed hard, her stomach churning at the memory. They'd been called out on a dismembered body that had been lying in the trash for a few days. She'd managed to keep the images of those mangled body parts out of her mind, but Esposito was right—the smell was everlasting. How someone could cut up a body, with a steak knife no less, was beyond her. The bile rose higher in her throat at the thought and she took another deep breath and leaned back, staring at the ceiling. If she focused, she could will the images away. She could box up the questions.

Her phone rang and Kate sighed, worried that it was yet another call; they'd been running full tilt all week. Esposito eyed her warily as she reached for it and brought it tiredly to her ear. She couldn't wait to get home and sink into a hot bath. Hopefully it was just Madison, or Lanie, or Rick, calling for something trivial.

"Beckett," she answered.

"Oh, Kate, thank God," Rick replied. She could hear cars rushing past and he sounded out of breath. "I'm really sorry about this."

"What's up?" she asked, confused and concerned. He sounded harried. He usually sounded chipper.

"I'm going to be on Letterman tonight," he replied over the honking of a horn.

Kate smiled; now she had something to watch tonight. Dismemberment didn't lend itself to pleasant post-homicide dreams. "That's great," she told him.

"Yeah, thanks," he replied. He went quiet for a moment and she heard him breathing into the phone.

"Are you running?" she asked, glancing over at Esposito. He was staring at her unabashedly. She gave him a glare and he stopped watching her, turning studiously back to his paperwork. He was still listening. Nosy.

"I'm…yeah," he replied.

"Rick? What's up?" she pressed. He was distracted, if the yelling in the background was any indication.

"Okay. I have a favor to ask," he began, his voice tentative.

"Shoot," she replied instantly. Perhaps she wouldn't be getting that bath. But, then again, it didn't matter much, did it? She wanted him to stop sounding like he was sprinting; it was unnerving.

"Can you…I swear I called everyone first, but I…damnit!" he swore. "God, don't people know how to walk? Pachyderms," he muttered.

Kate bit her lip to keep from laughing. "Rick, what's your favor?"

"Alexis," he replied before she heard a grunt. "God, people are slow."

"What about Alexis, Flash?"

"Can you…I'm sorry about the short notice. But could you watch her tonight?" he sounded timid and guilty.

"Sure," the answer came easily. She'd happily spend the night with her favorite seven-year-old. Alexis wouldn't smell like rotting corpse, or discuss the missing body parts of an unfortunate accountant. And once she was asleep, Kate could still have her bath, and still watch Rick on Letterman. Win win.

"Really?" he asked. "Finally! God, people."

"Really," she replied. "Why'd you think I'd say no?"

"You've been swamped," he replied instantly. "I've barely talked to you all week since dinner."

She hung her head and blew out a breath. "Sorry 'bout that."

"No, no," she could practically see him waving her off. "I totally get it. You have a _real_ job, and I usually don't. You get to be busy."

"Sounds like your job is real enough right now," she replied. "Where are you?"

"I'm on my way to a press conference that Paula set up last minute and then a dinner with my publisher and then the show, and people just won't move!"

"But you'll make it?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "But Alexis was looking forward making pizza tonight, and Mother has a performance, and her babysitter is sick, and Paige has the flu…it's like everyone in the world decided that tonight was an off night."

"Well, I'm free," she shrugged. Esposito looked over at her. "What time will Martha drop her off?"

"What time is it now?" Rick asked.

Kate glanced at her clock. It was nearing six; they'd been pushing through the paperwork, but it had been slow going, and by unanimous decision, they'd opted to try and muscle through. "It's close to six."

"Mother needs to be at the show by seven," he replied. "Is that okay?"

"I can do 6:30," she smiled. Esposito gaped. "Espo owes me anyway for taking off early last week." He narrowed his eyes at her. "And I'm happy to do it _for __Alexis_," she enunciated. His jaw tightened, but he glanced at the picture of Alexis on her desk and gave her a brusque nod.

_Kate sighed and buried her head in her hands, breathing deeply. They'd just returned from a scene, and it was all she could do to keep seeing straight. A kid had been found in an alley dangling from a fire escape, strangled and hung up by his neck. She and Esposito had been the first on the scene._

_She could still see him there, swinging gently back and forth, lifeless eyes staring out at them, his body limp and small. They'd done their work, made the calls and collected what they could. All the while, Esposito had been quiet and stoic, while Kate had jittered her way through it. Kids were the worst. Kids were absolutely the worst._

_She glanced up as Espo came and sat down, his face blank and eyes half-lidded. It was an easy case; the father, a convicted felon, out of prison not five months, had left his heavy fingerprints all over his son. They were both shaken and Kate couldn't ever remember seeing Esposito more blank—as if he could simply push the emotions away, and they would never return._

_Her phone rang and she watched as his hands clenched on his desk. Neither of them could take another scene today; but such was Homicide, and she had no choice but to answer._

"_Beckett," she said steadily, even as her own hands quaked._

"_Hi, Kate!" Alexis chirped on the other end._

"_Oh, Lexi. Hi," Kate murmured, feeling air rush back into her lungs. Alexis was okay. She hadn't realized she'd worried until her heart began to calm, lulled by the voice of the little girl on the other end of the phone. Alexis was okay. Alexis was okay._

"_Daddy wants to know what you want for dinner," she said, her voice light. "I told him we should have tacos, but he doesn't want them. Then I suggested spaghetti, but he doesn't want that either. He's so picky!"_

_Kate laughed. Esposito looked over at her in confusion. She understood his gaze; how could she possibly be laughing? But Alexis—Alexis was infectious, delightful, real and wholesome and whole. And okay. She was okay._

"_I know your Daddy is picky," she replied, even hearing the change in her own voice. "And I feel for you."_

"_Thank you," Alexis sighed dramatically. "But he's making hurry up hands. What do you want for dinner?"_

_She didn't know that she'd be able to eat anything. But then her stomach grumbled lightly. Maybe by the time she got over there she'd be okay. Maybe just seeing Alexis could make the pictures of that poor little boy fade. "How about fried chicken?" she suggested. That didn't have sauce. That didn't remind her of blood, or murder, or little boys…_

"_Daddy says that sounds great," Alexis told her. "Why does he do that for _you_? What makes you so special?"_

_Kate let out a surprised laugh and heard Rick howling in the background. "I don't know, Lex. Ask your Dad," she chuckled. Esposito was now regarding her with something akin to amazement, his own lips twitching. She widened her eyes at him, as if to say, 'what?' and waited for Alexis to finish whispering with Rick._

"_He says that you have the magic suggestions," Alexis replied petulantly. "And that when I grow up and become a strong, smart woman, I'll have them too."_

_Kate felt herself smile at the relayed message, even though it was told with jealousy. "Tell your father that he gets a free question for that comment, and I'll see you soon, Sweetie."_

"_Daddy's smiling, Kate. I don't get it," she whined._

"_You will someday, Alexis," Kate grinned. "Now, I have to go, but I'll see you soon, okay?"_

"_Okay," she sighed. "Daddy says he'll make it a doozy, whatever that is," she added._

"_I'm looking forward to it. See you later, Munchkin."_

"_Kay. Bye, Kate."_

_They clicked off and Kate smiled. Rick had been pestering her with questions about the force, and her job, and her interests, and various other invasive queries since his Birthday party. In response, she'd instituted an award system. He got answers for particularly clever word play, considerate actions, and anything else she deemed worthy. And now it was a game; he was constantly trying to one-up himself. She found that she didn't mind, as it meant that they bantered and jostled and laughed more and more each time they saw each other._

_She looked over at Esposito and found him staring back at her, his mouth slack._

"_What?" she asked, suddenly self-conscious. She didn't normally talk to Alexis at work, and she worried that maybe she'd done something wrong, or revealing._

"_You're _smiling_," he replied, awe evident in his voice._

"_So?"_

"_You looked like hell warmed over when we got back."_

"_Again, so?" She didn't quite get it._

"_How on Earth are you so relaxed now?"_

_Oh. _Oh_. She was, wasn't she? "Alexis," she shrugged. She'd have to give that girl a big hug when she got there. Because Esposito was right; the cloud had lifted. She felt normal again. The images were still there, but now she could shut them out—could guard herself against the tragedy of it all._

"_Who's Alexis?" he asked. "And why don't I get to talk to her?"_

"_Excuse me?" Kate spluttered._

"_What? I want the magic cure too! You look good, Beckett."_

"_Good how?" she replied, narrowing her eyes._

_He sighed and gave her a put-upon look. "Like you're not deep in it anymore. It's good for you, you know? So I ask, who's Alexis?"_

"_She's…" she faltered for a second. But Esposito looked genuine and interested. And he was smiling, like her mood made his better. "She's a friend's kid. She's great, really brightens up the day when you see her, you know?"_

"_Yeah," he gave her a small smile. "Seems that way. Thanks for that." And then he turned to his desk and began pulling out files. Kate watched him and felt herself smiling as well._

_The next day, she brought in a picture of Alexis at the park, twirling around, her face captured in the picture, beaming and laughing. She caught Esposito staring at it from time to time, when things got rough._

_The next day, she brought in a picture of Alexis at the park, twirling around, her face captured in the picture, beaming and laughing. She caught Esposito staring at it from time to time, when things got rough._

"Great. Thank you so much, Kate," Rick murmured, breaking her out of her thoughts.

"It's no problem. Should I drop her at school tomorrow?" she asked as she began shuffling papers around on her desk, organizing files while Esposito grudgingly held out his hand. She was just lucky that he'd had tickets to a game last week, and now owed her the solid.

"Tomorrow's Saturday," he laughed. "But, no worries. I'll come by tonight and pick her up."

"What?"

"I'll be done around midnight. I can just carry her home."

Kate blinked and shook her head. "Rick, that's ridiculous. Just come over in the morning. Or, better yet, let me drop her off."

"Crap, I've got to go. That's fine. I'll see you tomorrow? Thank you so much," he hurried.

"No problem. Talk pretty," she laughed.

"Studly. Talk Studly," he grumbled as he clicked off.

Kate thrust her phone into her bag, trying not to grin like the girl she was. She really needed to get a handle on the facial expressions she made when Rick called. They were wholly too embarrassing.

"You're leaving me to babysit?" Esposito whined.

"No. I'm leaving you to spend the night with Alexis. I'm finishing my babysitting right about now," she replied, handing him the organized folder. "Thanks."

"Solid paid. Don't think you can do this to me again," he grumbled as she picked up her bag and keys and adjusted her shirt, rumpled by the day.

"Understood. See you tomorrow," she told him with a nod.

"Yeah, yeah," he replied. But she caught him staring at the picture of Alexis as she walked away. He was just a big softy, when it came down to it. And he had her back. Esposito wasn't so bad.

She drove home through the thick traffic, cursing her own morals. It was tempting to throw the gumball, but she couldn't do that. It would be wrong. But her fingers itched to do it. She just wanted to wash the day away, and now she had a little ball of childhood to run around her apartment. She wondered, belatedly, how Rick knew her address. For all the time they'd spent together, it had never been at her place. He took them out, or they ate at the loft, or they watched movies at the loft, or they hung out at the loft; it was always on his turf.

Though, he _was_ Richard Castle. For all she knew, he'd done a background check on her. Actually, she shook her head as she pulled to a stop outside her building, he probably had done a check. It was something he would do.

She got out of her car and crossed the street, walking toward her doorman until a voice stopped her.

"Kate!" Alexis called.

Kate turned and watched as Alexis sprinted toward her, a backpack on her back and an enormous smile on her face. She barreled into Kate and wrapped her arms around her waist.

"Hey, Lex," Kate laughed, steadying them both and running a hand over the girl's head. "Where's your Gram?"

"She sent me in the car," Alexis said, tilting her head back to look at her. "But Daddy said it was okay, I think."

"Uh-huh," Kate replied. She'd have to mention that to Rick and make sure that it really was okay for Alexis to take a town car alone.

"Ernie was funny on the way over," she continued as Kate took her hand and began guiding the bouncing, pigtailed girl inside.

"Who's Ernie?"

"He's my driver," Alexis explained. "Can I press the button?" she asked as they got into the elevator. Kate nodded as she studiously avoided meeting the eyes of her interested neighbors. They always wanted to stop and talk to her, as if those older adults could read the difficulties she'd faced sitting there on her cheeks. And having a kid on you was a sure-fire way to get asked many, many questions. She couldn't subject Alexis to that. It would be cruel.

"You can. It's the fourth floor," Kate told her.

Alexis grinned and pushed the button with a smile, watching as it lit up and the doors closed. "Thanks for letting me stay the night," she said, turning her head to look up at Kate.

"Anytime," Kate smiled. "You're always welcome at my apartment."

"I'm glad Daddy didn't have to fly this time. He always takes me, and I hate flying."

Kate nodded as the elevator opened. "Me too."

"Really?" the girl asked as Kate led her down the narrow hall to her door, fishing her keys out of her pocket with her free hand. "Daddy _loves_ to fly."

"I can see that," Kate laughed as she got the door open and led Alexis inside. "Your Dad would like flying. It's very…free."

"That's what he says!" Alexis exclaimed while Kate toed off her shoes.

"Why don't you toss your backpack on the couch while I change?" she suggested, wanting to get rid of her gun and badge and take off her work clothes before Alexis really had a chance to appreciate any of it. "You can watch TV until I'm back if you want."

"Okay," Alexis grinned, kicking her own shoes off before happily prancing over to the living room.

Kate watched her go, observing how easily she adjusted to the new place. It was odd, how at home she looked, hopping up onto Kate's couch and settling against the pillows, TV remote already located and in her hand. She shook her head and smiled as she wandered back and into her bedroom, Alexis' quiet giggles floating behind her.

She removed her gun and badge and laid them in the drawer on her armoire as she gazed at her reflection in the mirror. She looked as tired as she felt. Hopefully Alexis wouldn't pick up on it. She was lucky that Rick wasn't around tonight; he'd notice. He always did.

He seemed to know now within a minute of looking at her, whether the day had been good or bad, hard or easy, grueling or gruesome. If she was tired, he'd give her coffee. If she was annoyed, he'd annoy the crap out of her, get Alexis in on it, and keep going until she cracked and laughed. And if she was sad, or burnt out, or simply trodden down by the evils of humanity, he'd wrap an arm around her shoulders, order take out, and camp out on his sinfully comfortable couch with her, Alexis sprawled between them.

She stripped out of her clothing and tried, again, to sort out exactly what Rick Castle was, and what their odd relationship had become. It was…it was comfortable, in a way that guy friends had never been. He was just this huge pillow that smiled and laughed and needled her. He called every so often, just to chat, and she found that she did it too. When it was quiet and dark and she just needed to vent, she called him, and he _listened_. He listened like she was telling him the secrets to life, and he remembered things.

Will hadn't been able to remember whether she liked one sugar or two in her coffee. Rick knew the names of her high school friends in alphabetical order.

"Kate?" Alexis called as Kate pulled on a sweatshirt over a comfortable pair of jeans.

"Coming, Lex," she called, pushing the thoughts away. She liked their relationship, even if both Lanie and Madison were convinced that they were dating, just not _dating_.

She walked back into the living room and smiled at the picture that was Alexis Castle. She was stretched out on the couch, her socked feet twisted up over the back, one arm dangling off the side.

"I'm starving," she said, giving a sigh befitting of a primadonna.

"Then what shall we feed you, my drama queen?" Kate laughed, walking over to plop down on the coffee table in front of the couch. "Wouldn't want you to waste away."

Alexis grinned and giggled. "I won't waste away."

"Well, I have pasta and…" she trailed off. Great. Invite the kid over for the night and have no healthy options for food. Great plan, Kate.

"Pasta sounds good," Alexis smiled. "Can we have the garlicky sauce you made last week?"

Kate nodded and smiled. She'd enjoyed cooking at Chez Castle. They had such an enormous kitchen and all sorts of ingredients she was far too lazy to buy. "I can definitely do that. Do you want to help me?"

"Sure," Alexis exclaimed, sitting up quickly and swinging her legs off the couch. "What can I do?"

"You can help me fill the pot and then stir the pasta if you're very careful," she told her as they walked to her kitchen.

Alexis bounced along, swinging her arms with abandon. "I like your house," she offered as Kate grabbed a chair and pulled it over to the counter so that Alexis would have something to stand on. "It's really cool."

Kate laughed. "I think your apartment is the cool one. It's got a lot more fun stuff in it," she replied, allowing Alexis to help her lift the filled pot out of the sink. She carried it to the burner and plopped it down, turning on the stove top to let it boil.

"But yours is so grown up," Alexis told her. "You have lots of books."

"Your Daddy has more books than me," Kate smiled, getting down a box of pasta. Really, she needed to start stocking more food in the house. She couldn't even offer Alexis two of the food groups.

"But yours look different," Alexis said. "Yours look cooler."

Kate observed the young girl standing on the chair. She stared back with equal respect; she looked at Kate like she herself was cool. "Well, my books thank you," Kate said easily. "Now, I have a container of that sauce in my fridge. So, while we wait for the water to boil, do you want to set the table?"

"Sure!" She hopped off the chair and then turned around in a small circle. "Where do I get plates and forks and stuff?" she asked, a frown settling over her features. "I don't know where anything is. But you know where everything is in my house."

Kate laughed and took down plates, handing them to Alexis while she got forks and a serving spoon. "It's my job to know where things are," she told her while they set the table together. "I'm supposed to notice details."

"Like how you know how Daddy likes his coffee?" she asked, watching as Kate added pasta to the boiling water.

"Exactly like that," Kate replied. That had been one detail she'd picked up quickly, watching him make his coffee next to hers in Starbucks, or at a diner table on Tuesday afternoons. He took it with three sugars and an obscene amount of cream—like the child he was. But, then again, he made her coffee like an expert. "Your Daddy notices things too," she added. "Sometimes it's an adult thing."

"Like how you always smile more when he has his hand on your back, or you guys are holding hands without meaning to?" Alexis asked, all innocence and light.

Kate looked down at the little spitfire. "You notice things too, I see," she offered. She wouldn't blush. This little girl would not win this bizarre little dance they were doing.

Alexis grinned up at her. "Your cheeks are red."

And apparently she'd lost the battle already. "It's from the cooking," she said, opening the refrigerator door, unashamed to be hiding behind it under the pretense of finding her sauce.

"Nu-uh," Alexis said. "You're blushing 'cause you and Daddy hold hands."

"Am not," Kate replied, straightening up and tossing the container onto the counter.

"Are too. Daddy did the same thing."

"Blushed like a little girl?" Kate asked.

Alexis grinned. "Yep. And he told me that I was crazy. But I'm not."

"You're something," Kate muttered. "Okay, pasta's almost ready. The bathroom is down the hall. Why don't you go wash hands?"

"Okay," Alexis smiled, turning and scampering from the room.

Kate let out a sigh and switched off the burner. She reached for the colander and put it in the sink before pouring the pasta into the strainer, watching as it foamed and steam billowed out around her. Alexis was a perceptive kid—too perceptive for her own good sometimes.

It wasn't a bad thing that Kate blushed when Rick touched her. He was a handsome man, and he had talented, large, warm hands. And he was familiar and comfortable. It was natural. Rick did it too, even though she pretended he didn't. She pretended their hands didn't brush when they went out for walks, and that falling asleep on his shoulder late at night was totally platonic. Everything was totally platonic, except that it wasn't, at all.

"Clean hands," Alexis announced, skipping to the table.

"Almost ready," Kate told her, dumping the pasta back into the pot.

She grabbed the container and a knife and scooped a third of the congealed garlic butter sauce onto the pasta, watching as it melted. She could worry about Rick and their relationship, and the fact that she had no qualms with 'barely dating' him, later.

She spooned a liberal portion of pasta onto Alexis' plate and then gave one to herself, sitting down with a plop, only then realizing how hungry she was.

"Dig in, munchkin," she smiled.

Alexis was all too happy to oblige, and they sat quietly for a few minutes, both too caught up in eating to talk. Kate's stomach churned happily with the food. Had she really not eaten since ten that morning? She needed to be better about taking care of herself. But, rather than turn down that path, and admit all the unhealthy things she'd been doing for forever, she focused on Alexis. Alexis was an easy distraction.

"So, what did you do in school today?" she asked, watching as Alexis slurped a ziti into her mouth with a smack.

"We practiced cursive and learned about dinosaurs," Alexis replied. "Did you know that raptors had feathers?"

Kate did. Rick had mentioned it about a week earlier. But Alexis looked so surprised and awed that she didn't have the heart to tell her so. "Really?"

"Uh-huh. And they hunted in packs. They're really smart, like wolves, but…I mean, have you seen one? Their teeth are huge!" she exclaimed, waving her fork. "Daddy said that they're really scary. He said there's a movie with them and they're the ones you want to be afraid of, not the T-Rex."

Jurassic Park—yeah, the Raptors were the scariest part of that movie. "I've seen that movie. He's right," she agreed. "But I've always liked the Pterodactyls."

"Yeah!" Alexis enthused. "They can fly. That's pretty cool."

"Do you think you'd like to fly?" Kate asked, taking another bite, only to realize that it had been her last. She could have more, but then there would be no leftovers, and leftovers were a lifeline.

"I think it would be fun," Alexis shrugged. "But I'd rather ride a broom."

"Still thinking about Harry Potter, I see," Kate grinned. Alexis had talked of nothing but the first movie for weeks, and had demanded that Rick re-read all the existing books with her before the fifth one came out.

"But it's so cool, Kate," she protested. "And I don't think about it all the time."

Kate laughed. "I know." She glanced at the girl's clean plate. "Do you want any more?"

"No thank you," Alexis replied easily, stifling a yawn.

"Looks like it's time for a bath, and then bed," she told the girl, standing and taking their plates, dumping them in the sink and running some water over them before turning back to the table. "Why are you so tired so early, munchkin?" she asked, watching as Alexis slumped in her chair.

"We played kickball in gym and I ran a lot," Alexis replied, yawning again. "And I helped Gram run lines this afternoon."

"Reading makes you sleepy?" Kate asked with a chuckle.

"No. But letting her chase me around does. She has to chase a Mailman, and she said he runs really fast, so I did too…but now I'm sleepy," she told her.

"Okay, bath time," Kate smiled, extending a hand for her. Alexis took it and Kate led her back through the living room, pausing to pick up her back pack as she guided the tired girl to her bedroom and into the bathroom.

"Where am I gonna sleep?" Alexis asked, watching as Kate got down another towel for her and started the bath.

Kate blinked. She hadn't considered it. She could put Alexis on the couch, but that seemed kind of cold. She looked back at the little girl, who was now happily stripping down to her Birthday suit and digging in her backpack for her toothbrush. They could share Kate's bed. It was big and comfortable, and it would…she'd done that with her mother when she was little and they'd gone on trips. Johanna would snuggle them both into bed and they'd tell 'secrets' until Kate fell asleep.

"You can just hop in with me. My bed's pretty big," Kate replied after a minute. Alexis had somehow managed to jump up and lean over the sink to spit, her little legs kicking happily against the cabinets below the counter. "Though, maybe I should just get you a hammock. You're such a monkey!"

Alexis grinned and rinsed off her toothbrush before sliding down to stand on the floor again. "I'm not a monkey! I'm a Ninja."

"Ah, my mistake," Kate laughed. "Bath's ready."

Alexis padded over and let Kate lift her into the claw foot tub. She settled her against one of the edges and fought the urge to giggle. Alexis looked tiny in her large tub. Her head barely reached the rim and her legs barely stretched to the middle. She smiled up at Kate, who knelt to rest her arms on the edge of the bath while Alexis took out her pigtails.

"Your bathtub is really big," Alexis announced as she dove under the water, coming up with dripping hair and scrunched eyes. She wiped her hands across her face and then looked up at Kate. "Why do you have this kind of tub?"

"It came with the apartment," Kate replied. It had been one of the reasons she'd chosen this apartment, actually. "I thought it was cool, so I kept it."

"I like it," Alexis decided. "Can I borrow some shampoo? I don't think Gram packed any. She was kind of distracted."

Kate nodded and reached across the tub to hand the bottle of cherry scented shampoo/conditioner to Alexis, who took it and gave herself a rather conservative dollop for a little kid. She rubbed it expertly into the crown of her hair and then bunched up the rest of her long red mane and lathered it as well. Kate watched, impressed. She didn't think she'd been quite as good at that when she was little.

Alexis glanced over at her. "What?" she asked and she leaned back and dunked her hair into the water, running her hands through it.

"You're very good at washing your hair," Kate replied honestly.

"Mommy taught me," Alexis replied as she sat up. "She said that little girls should know how to take care of their hair from an early age."

"Well, you've learned well," Kate smiled. Hadn't her mother told her once that she'd been sad when Kate had decided she could shower and bathe alone, because Johanna would miss playing with her hair?

"Thank you," Alexis grinned, reaching for the soap. "Can I?"

Kate rolled her eyes. "No, I brought you in here to sit in your own dirty water. Of course you can use my soap, silly."

Alexis grinned. "Thanks! Mommy never lets me use hers."

Kate was tempted to ask what Mommy _did_ do with Alexis, but refrained. It wasn't fair of her to pass judgment on a woman she'd never met. Though, it was hard to keep herself objective, especially when Rick flopped on the couch after a phone call, or Alexis gave a tidbit of information like, 'Mommy loves to take me shopping, but I think she just likes shopping.' Meredith should be doing back flips to spend time with this little girl, not doing everything she could to avoid her.

"She's coming to visit soon, you know?" Alexis added as she washed under her armpits.

"Is she?" Kate replied. She hadn't heard anything about it from Rick.

"Uh-huh. She promised me last week that she would. She has a meeting in the city and then she said she'd spend the whole day with me! I get to skip school and everything," she grinned up at Kate.

"I thought you loved school," she said. Alexis fought tooth and nail to go to school every day, even when she was sick, or was given the option of skipping to go do something fun.

"I do, but Mommy said this would be more fun. And I never get to see her," Alexis shrugged. "I think I'm done with the bath now."

"Okay," Kate nodded, reaching in to help Alexis hop over the side. She wrapped the little girl in a big towel and made her laugh as she tickled and dried her off. "Did you bring pajamas?" she asked as she finished drying her legs.

"Of course," Alexis laughed. "Gram's distracted, not silly."

Kate chuckled and watched as Alexis grabbed her blue nighty out of the backpack and put it on, her wet head popping out of the top with a grin. "Okay, let's get you out there and then I can braid your hair?" Kate asked as she stood with a grimace. Was she getting too old to kneel on the tiled floor? Gee, that was depressing.

"I can do my own hair," Alexis told her as they left the bathroom and Alexis walked over to the bed, her backpack pulled to her chest. "Are you sure you want me to sleep in here?"

Kate looked down at the little girl with the unruly, wet, red hair and smiled. "Of course I am. And I want to braid your hair, munchkin," she added. "Your hair is fun."

Alexis shrugged and then pulled Hamilton and Monkey-Bunky out of her bag and tossed them on the bed. "They can sleep with us too, right?" she asked while Kate grabbed a brush.

"Of course," she smiled. "Now, come on, climb up on the bed so I can brush your hair."

Alexis complied and Kate slipped up behind her, taking her long hair in hand and running the comb through it, from the bottom up. She worked methodically, a small smile on her face as she remembered sitting on her mother's bed just like this. Her father had tried to do it a few times when Johanna had been away on business, but there'd been too many tears and tangles.

"Daddy's not very good at doing my hair," Alexis said a few minutes later.

Kate laughed. "Mine wasn't either."

"He can do pigtails, but not braids," Alexis added as Kate began to separate her hair into sections and braid them into a plait down the girl's back. "You're good at this."

"I have long hair. I've had practice," Kate replied.

"But your hair is always down, or in a bun when you come to see us," Alexis argued. "Do you do fun stuff with it other days?"

"You've seen me with braids and ponytails," Kate argued. "Just not when I come from work."

"Why not?"

"Well, catching criminals can be dangerous, and you don't want hair to get in the way," Kate replied, giving Alexis the sanitized version. She didn't need to know that if your hair was easy to grab, it might get yanked out, or used to pull you into a knife or down to the pavement. Some truths were still too hard for the sagging little girl on her bed.

"Oh," Alexis yawned.

Kate finished the braid and ran a hand over the top of Alexis' head. "Bedtime, I think," she smiled.

Alexis nodded and leaned back into Kate. "Sorry I'm sleepy."

"Why are you sorry?" Kate asked as she reached behind them and turned down the comforter.

"Cause I haven't been much fun," she replied.

Kate shook her head and gave the little girl a squeeze. "You've been lots of fun, Alexis. And you're welcome here any time. But, now, I think you should go use the bathroom and then I'll tuck you in."

Alexis hopped off the bed and scurried into the bathroom while Kate stood and arranged the bed a bit. How could Alexis think she wasn't fun? She was a blast. Kate's terrible day had all but evaporated, and she'd enjoyed the time she'd gotten so spend with Alexis. Rick didn't feed that kind of self-doubt, and neither did Martha. Maybe she _could_ hate Meredith. Maybe she should.

Alexis came out of the bathroom just as Kate was grabbing a pair of sweats and a tee shirt to change into. She put them on the dresser and then helped Alexis settle into the pillows.

"Are you going to sleep too?" she asked while Kate dimmed the lights.

"Not just yet, but I will soon," Kate replied. It was just 8:00pm, but she was tired too, and maybe this was a good excuse to fall into bed at nine, like an elderly woman.

"Okay," Alexis whispered, already sinking into the pillows, her stuffed animals pulled close.

"Night, Lexi."

"Night, Kate. Love you," she sighed.

Kate blinked and looked down at the child asleep in her bed. "Love you too, Alexis," she whispered.

She brushed a kiss across the girl's forehead and then took her clothes and gently closed the door, walking dazedly into her living room. Alexis _loved_ her. She sat down heavily on her couch and stared around. When had this happened? When had she become someone important in this little girl's life? When had she started loving Alexis?

She spent a lot of time with her, with them. They had dinners and saw movies and went out on Tuesdays. And sometimes she came over on the weekends and they'd go out for a late dinner, or play games. But when had she fallen in love with the kid? When had she let herself get that attached? Hell, when had she become so entrenched in their lives that Kate was on the list of emergency babysitters?

She fell backward and sank into the couch, staring at the ceiling. It wasn't bad, being loved. It even made her stomach clench and she realized she was smiling. It wasn't a bad thing. In fact, it felt good, right. She could hit herself for freaking out about it. It was just love. Love wasn't dangerous or hurtful.

But then she glanced over at the mantel, at the picture of her mother, and she frowned. Love wasn't dangerous. The world was dangerous, and it took people from you. It ripped them away and didn't give them back. And all the love you could give to someone couldn't protect them from that.

Her cell rang and Kate grabbed it where it had fallen out of her pocket onto the coffee table.

"Beckett," she answered, her thoughts still far away.

"Hey."

"Rick?" she snapped back to the present. "Why are you calling me? Is everything okay?"

"Yeah…yeah, everything's okay."

But it didn't sound okay. He sounded dejected and a little lost. "Rick, what's wrong?"

"How's Alexis?" he asked.

If it would make him stop sounding so forlorn, she'd tell him Alexis was running a circus. "She's sound asleep. Your mother tired her out."

"Right. The Mailman scene," he laughed—a low, quiet, sad laugh.

"Rick. Tell me what's wrong," she urged. "Aren't you on a press junket or something?"

"Dinner just ended and I've got thirty minutes before the meeting," he replied.

"And you're calling me?"

"I…" he grew quiet and Kate just grew more concerned. She loved talking to Rick, but he generally didn't call when he was in the middle of something, and never with such a troubled voice. "Meredith called and left me a message."

"Is everything okay?" She may hate the woman, or be on her way to hating her, but she hoped nothing was wrong with her. It would devastate Alexis.

"She's not…she's not coming to visit next week. Says she can't make the time," he replied.

"Oh. Oh, Rick," Kate breathed. It would kill Alexis, and now she understood. He sounded sad and troubled because he knew that he was going to have to break his daughter's heart. Meredith wouldn't even have the courtesy to do it herself. "I'm sorry." She could hate her now.

"Me too," he replied. "And I…I just…God, I don't want to have to tell her, you know?"

"I do." She glanced at the door to her bedroom and sighed. It was unfair. It was so unfair.

"She was so excited."

"She told me."

"Right? And now, I mean, she's going to be _in_ the city, and she can't even find an hour for her kid? Who does that? We haven't seen her since November! It's just…I know I got sole custody, but I expected her to make some effort."

"I'm sure," Kate whispered. What else could she say? There was nothing she could say to make it better.

He sighed on the other end and Kate could hear his breathing change. He was trying to pull himself back together. "Look…sorry I called."

"What?" she was too shocked to come up with something better.

"I just, I needed to vent, and I thought of you and…I'm sorry."

"Hey, wait. No," she stammered. If he was sorry, they needed to fix this now. Why the hell would he be sorry? "That's what I'm here for, you dope."

"What?" he laughed, sounding a bit more like himself.

"I vent. You vent. It's a mutual thing, got it? Don't be sorry. Call me with this stuff. I'm here," she continued, hoping he'd get it. If she got to fall apart and call him just to feel better, or rant about the day, then he did too.

"Okay," he murmured after a pause. "Right. Sorry. Thank you, Kate."

"Thank me again and I'm taking away a question," she threatened.

He laughed. "Got it. Oh, crap, that's Paula. I have to go. See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow. Have a tape of the interview for me? I don't think I'm going to be able to stay up."

"All right, grandma," he chuckled.

"Two questions?"

"No, no. Night, young, fit, gorgeous, youthful, brainy, funny…"

"Yes, flattery will get you everywhere. Now, go, before Paula finds another reason to hate me. I'll be there at eight with the Pumpkin."

"Okay. Night, Kate."

He clicked off. Kate blew out a breath. Now she hated Meredith. Perhaps hate wasn't even strong enough. How could she do that to Alexis? How could you possibly come to New York and not want to see your kid, especially if that kid was Alexis? Alexis was worth seeing. Alexis was worth spending time with.

Kate stood absent-mindedly and changed into her pajamas. She grabbed a book from her shelf—it wasn't one of his most recent books, of course not—and went back into her bedroom. She contemplated various other words to substitute in place of hate as she used the bathroom and brushed her teeth. Her favorite became 'loathe with an unending passion' as she listened to the soft sounds of breathing from the lump in her bed. She loathed Meredith with an unending passion for breaking that little girl's heart.

When she was finished, Kate climbed into bed and settled against the pillows, opening her book. But she didn't read. Instead, she watched the steady rise and fall of Alexis' breath and smiled. Alexis _loved_ her. Maybe she couldn't fix the Castles' relationship with Meredith. Maybe she couldn't make that horrible woman be the right kind of mother to this amazing little girl. Maybe she couldn't promise Alexis that Meredith would show up for the next meeting, the next party, the next big disappointment.

But she could be there for the little girl. She could love her back. God, Alexis _loved _her.

Alexis shifted in her sleep and one of her hands reached out to curl into Kate's sweat pants as she shifted. The little girl snuggled into the blankets and settled down, but her hand remained twisted into Kate's pants.

Alexis _loved_ her.


	11. Chapter 11

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Someday I'll have my own television show and novels and plays and awesome things. Today is not that day. **

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: So, this story is entirely too much fun to write. We're gaining momentum, my friends, but it'll still be some time before that inevitable connection. BUT! This chapter has fluff and angst and, well, please read it and see for yourselves.**

**You all continue to be AMAZING, and your reviews and messages, alerts, tweets, tumbls and favorites make my day every time. Thank you.**

**Emma  
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* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 11:<strong>

"Beckett," Kate answered, smiling as Alexis held up a scarf for her to look at.

"Hi, Katie," her father replied.

"Oh, Dad. Hi," Kate said, tugging on Rick's elbow where her hand rested in the crook of his arm. He stopped walking and turned to her, both of them still keeping a watchful eye on Alexis.

"How are you?" Jim asked.

"I'm good, Dad." Kate gave Rick's arm a squeeze and then nodded toward Alexis. "I'll find you?" she mouthed.

He nodded and pulled her hand into his side with his arm for a moment, before she let it drop and he took Alexis' hand, walking with her to one of the stalls. They were spending the afternoon milling through one of 8th avenue's famous flea markets, enjoying the oddly cool May weather. Alexis pranced ahead of them, and Kate and Rick ambled behind her, chatting about passing strangers. Rick really could make up a story for anyone. Oddly enough though, half of their mutual stories became the tales of serial killers. That should probably be more serious than it was funny.

"And how are you?" she asked her father as she moved to stand between two stalls, dodging out of the hustle and bustle of the shoppers. It wasn't like her father to call in the middle of the day.

"I'm good, Katie," he replied. He sounded quiet, but not overly so, or tiredly so. But there was something there; she just couldn't quite describe it. "What are you up to today?"

"I'm out for the day with Rick and Alexis," she replied.

Since Christmas, she'd slowly begun to tell her father more and more about Rick and his daughter who had stolen her heart. Her father loved hearing her stories, and she was contemplating whether or not she'd like to formally introduce them. But something was holding her back—something she didn't want to think about. She pushed the large sunglasses away from her eyes and pulled them onto the top of her head so she could rub at one eye as a gust of wind blew through, rustling the scarves at the stand next to her.

"Having fun? I hope I'm not keeping you."

"No, no," she smiled, catching a glimpse of Rick and Alexis further up the street, Alexis now perched on her father's back, pointing to things. "They're having fun. I'll catch up. What's new with you?"

"Not much," he replied. "Work's good."

"Are you seeing anyone for the holiday weekend? I know Alan always goes out on the boat. You going?" she asked, hoping that maybe her father had plans for Memorial Day. She wanted him to start living again. He'd been doing so well, but she never heard about other people; she wanted him to have a life again, have friends again.

"Yeah, yeah. Alan invited me," Jim said quietly. "I'm thinking about it."

"You should go, Dad," Kate urged gently. "It'll be fun. You used to love going fishing with him."

"I know." The wistful quality of his voice tugged at her heart, and she wished she hadn't said it. She and her mother had always spent the day cooking and book shopping while her Dad went out with Alan, and he'd come home with fish for dinner. Kate herself frowned and rubbed at the back of her neck, lost in the memory of sitting on the kitchen counter, chatting with her mother about boys while her Dad rummaged around the house, always looking for some fishing doohickey he could never find.

"You there, Katie?" his voice broke her away from it all.

"Yeah, sorry. Street performer," she fibbed. They couldn't both be wistful and wanting; someone needed to be strong. But at least lately, it had been him sometimes. He'd even laughed about a childhood memory when she'd called on Sunday night. "So, what's up, Dad?" she asked, coming back to the realization that he'd called her out of the blue in the middle of the day.

"Nothing, nothing," he said quickly. "I was just…I just wanted to hear your voice, that's all."

"Oh, well, it's nice to hear your voice too, Dad," Kate said softly.

"But, I'm not going to keep you from your _friends_," he said, taking on that teasing quality he so liked to use whenever they talked about Rick and Alexis.

"Dad," she chided.

"Alright. Just kidding, Katie. Have fun. I'll talk to you soon."

"Bye, Dad," she said. They hung up and she stared down at the phone. Her father never called her out of the blue. It was her day off, true enough, but he generally called at night now.

"Hey," she looked up and found herself face to face with Rick and Alexis, who was still clinging to her father's neck, her face resting on his shoulder. "Thought we lost you."

"Sorry," Kate smiled. "I see you've given up with walking, monkey girl?"

"Daddy's just faster," Alexis grinned.

"So I see. Why don't I get this type of pedestrian service, Mr. Castle?" she asked, meeting Rick's sunglass-covered eyes.

"You never ask," he shrugged, jostling Alexis, who giggled. "How's your Dad?"

"He's okay, I guess," Kate replied, giving a shrug of her own. "Just wanted to say hi, which he extends to you guys too."

"Tell him hi back for us!" said Alexis. "When do I get to meet him?"

Kate looked from Alexis to Rick and bit her lip. When _would_ Alexis get to meet her father? Should Alexis meet her father? Rick had told her all those months ago that he needed people who would stay in Alexis' life, or they really couldn't be there. Was her father someone who would stick around now? He'd been sober for nearly seven months, but was that enough? She was starting to really believe that he'd make it this time, but…

"How about we talk about it after the holiday weekend, Sweetie?" Rick suggested, hitching her higher on his back. "Kate's Dad probably has plans for the next few weeks."

"He does," Kate added quickly, eager to forestall a decision.

"Okay," Alexis agreed easily. Kate was never more grateful that this little girl was so easy going.

"Shall we keep browsing? Alexis found a stall with rings that she's dying to show you," Rick suggested.

"That sounds great. Lead the way, human carriage."

He grinned and reached out with a hand to slide her glasses back onto her face. "You do look like Audrey Hepburn, especially in that dress," he told her, gesturing to her outfit.

The white dress Madison had forced her into buying clung to her figure, belted at the waist and falling to just above her knees. The boat neck did ring of Hepburn, and Kate wasn't above being flattered by the comparison, especially not when Rick had complimented her outfit three times already.

"Thanks," she murmured.

He grinned and extended his hand to her while he kept Alexis securely fastened to his back with the other. She took it, winding her fingers through his without a second thought. They'd lose each other in the crowd if they didn't stay linked somehow. It was purely self-preservation. She let him guide her up the street, listening as Alexis gave her the run down of what every stall sold and the various people they'd spoken to while Kate had been on the phone.

She smiled and nodded along, but her mind was still milling over the conversation with her Dad. She just didn't know what to make of it, and now she had to decide whether she should introduce him to the Castles. Alexis wouldn't remain placated for long, and she was sure that she'd have to actually answer that question at some point in the near future.

"And behold, the Valhalla of Rings," Rick announced, causing Kate to snap back to the present as he pulled her inside.

His hand slipped from hers and he lowered Alexis to the ground. She zipped over to take Kate's now vacant hand and tugged her over to a display of very lovely rings.

"See?" she exclaimed. "They're really pretty."

Kate nodded. "They're gorgeous," she told the girl. Silver, bronze and gold, the rings were beautiful, yet simple. Each had a different stone, or collection of faux-crystal gems arranged as flowers or butterflies. They were the perfect type of casual jewelry, and she could easily see why they'd caught the little girl's eye. "Which one is your favorite?"

Alexis took a moment to peruse the options, before pointing to a butterfly about halfway up the table. It was set on a simple silver ring, and the wings were blue and purple, with small sparkling 'crystals' set between them to form the body of the butterfly.

"I like that one too," Kate smiled. "Do you want to get it?"

Alexis looked up at her in surprise. "I just wanted to show you."

"Are you sure? I can get it for you. It's not expensive," she added as she noticed the eight-dollar tag. She felt Rick step up behind her, his hand coming to rest on her waist like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"You guys find something you like?"

"Alexis is fond of the purple and blue butterfly," Kate replied, taking a deep breath. His proximity did _not_ do things to the color of her cheeks or the heat of her skin. It really didn't.

"That's a nice one," he replied. "Do you want it, munchkin?"

"I already said I'd get it for her, but Miss Practicality over here doesn't seem to want me to," Kate told him.

Alexis gave her a confused look. "I didn't say I wanted to buy it."

"But I offered," Kate replied with a smile. "You can say yes, you know."

"Alexis doesn't usually ask for things," Rick whispered in her ear while Alexis looked from the ring to Kate and back.

Kate turned her head to meet his eyes and found his face incredibly close to hers. She blinked and then nodded after a moment. "Is it okay for me to offer?" she asked quietly.

He smiled and nudged her cheek with his nose. "Of course. Give her a minute."

Kate nodded and then shifted her gaze to Alexis, who appeared to be fighting an internal battle. The little girl had been less outgoing in recent weeks. This reluctance to ask for things, hope for things, had grown, and it wasn't something she was fond of. She wanted Alexis to be comfortable asking her for things. She wanted Alexis to stop wondering whether promises were real.

Rick was now pressed against her back. When had they decided that this level of physical contact was acceptable? Well, it wasn't _unacceptable_. In fact, it was pleasant, and the warmth that spread across her body wasn't bad. But…well, it broke some sort of barrier, right? Or was it just their friendship—the friendship that was about as unorthodox as it could possibly be? The friendship that had included many more touches and caresses in recent weeks.

"Are you sure you want to get it for me, Kate?" Alexis asked, looking up at her, something of a cross between awe and disbelief on her face.

"Of course I am. Do I ever say things I don't mean?" she asked the little girl.

"No," Alexis replied slowly. Kate felt Rick sigh against her ear, and she reached a hand down to squeeze his. She knew that Alexis' trust issues weighed even more heavily on him.

_"Morning," Kate greeted as Rick opened the door, Alexis bouncing at her side. "I have something that I think belongs to you," she added, nudging Alexis with her foot._

_ "I'm not a puppy," Alexis protested with a grin. "Hi, Daddy!"_

_ "Hi, Sweetheart," he smiled. "Did you have fun at Kate's?"_

_ "Uh-huh! She made her pasta, and then she let me sleep in her bed! It's really big," she told him as Rick ushered them inside, taking Alexis' backpack from Kate._

_ "Sounds like fun," he replied, meeting Kate's eyes._

_ "It was," she assured him. "And we had fun fighting for bathroom rights this morning, didn't we, munchkin?"_

_ "Kate won," Alexis replied as she scampered over to the living room to bounce onto the couch. "But she said I could go first next time," she added as she flipped on the TV. Her favorite cartoon was about to come on, and Kate smiled at how very 'kid' it was of Alexis to go straight for the TV._

_ "I take it you had a good night," Rick chuckled as he set Alexis' bag down on the counter. "Do you have to go straight to work, or do you have time for coffee?" he asked._

_ "I've got about thirty minutes," Kate smiled. "How are you?" She sat down at the island and watched as he moved around the kitchen, taking down mugs and starting the coffee maker. _

_ "I'm okay," he replied, turning to face her and leaning back against the counter. _

_ She took a moment to really observe him. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept much, and he was wearing a robe over sweats and an old tee shirt—much less put together than she usually saw him. And that sparkle that she liked to see, the one that glinted when he teased her or spoke to his daughter, wasn't there._

_ "How are you really?" she asked, giving him a sad smile._

_ "Not looking forward to today," he replied after a pause. "But, it is what it is, right?"_

_ "I'm sorry, for what it's worth," she told him._

_ He nodded. "Thanks." _

"_What are you planning on doing today?" _

_ "What makes that conversation less painful?" he asked with a hollow laugh. "Maybe we'll go to the park and then the museum or something. There will be ice cream involved, maybe a carousel."_

_ "Oh, Rick," she sighed, watching as he attempted to keep smiling. "Can I do anything to help?" _

_ He met her eyes as the coffee machine gurgled. "You brought my kid back in one piece. That's good for me," he told her._

_ "Help you," she corrected. "I know criminals."_

_ His eyes widened and he let out a loud laugh. "That," he told her, smiling, a bit of himself shining through. "That's all I need. Thank you for that."_

_ She grinned as he passed her a cup of coffee and then ducked into the refrigerator for cream. It was good to still be able to make him laugh. She just had to keep it up. _

_ "I'm serious though. I booked a guy earlier in the week who was a specialist with costumes—liked to jump out of closets in bear suits. Not a very dangerous guy, just…a little off balance."_

_ Rick passed her the cream and sugar and came to sit beside her, pulling his mug across the granite countertop. "So what'd you book him for then?"_

_ "Breaking and entering. Just six months," she replied, watching as he prepared her coffee, batting her hands away when she tried to do it herself. "He was just someone who had left prints in the apartment. It…I can't say that we didn't get a good laugh out of it."_

_ "Well, you have to take your humor when you find it, right?" he replied, passing the mug to her. "And you know me; I love a little macabre humor."_

_ "You write macabre humor," she shot back, taking a sip. "Thanks."_

_ "Anytime, addict." He nudged her knee with his. _

_ "Hey, you match me cup for cup," she shot back._

_ "Hmm," he replied with a shrug. _

_ They sat quietly for a few minutes, the sound from the TV washing over them, mixed with Alexis' intermittent giggles. She noticed him sagging next to her and she wrapped her leg around his, hooking her foot under the bottom rung of his stool._

_ "It'll work out," she murmured._

_ He looked over at her. "Yeah. For how long, though? What about the next time, or the time after that? What about when she says she'll be here for her Birthday, or Christmas, or Thanksgiving, and then she doesn't show?"_

_ The vulnerability there on his face, his normally charming, cocky, grinning face, was tough to handle. She was so used to his smiles that this look took her out of her element. Hell, she'd wrapped her leg around his. She was already in too deep._

_ "She has you, and Martha," Kate told him softly. "It sucks, and it's going to hurt, but she loves you. You're all she needs, Rick. It's not fair, but she'll get by. You both will."_

_He reached over and wrapped his fingers through hers on the countertop. "Thanks," he murmured. _

_ "You'll get through this," she replied, squeezing his hand. Then her cell beeped. She sighed and took a large sip of her coffee. "I have to go."_

_ He bumped her shoulder with his. "It's good. We'll see you soon?" he asked as they disengaged, the moment broken._

_ "Of course," she replied, standing and smoothing down her button down. "I have to go. See you soon, Lex," she called into the living room._

_ "Bye Kate!" came the distracted reply._

_ She shook her head and walked with Rick to the door, his hand falling to sit on the small of her back, where it always did. She kept waiting to be unnerved by the physical contact, but it never happened. It was just Rick, and it was just them._

_ "You can call me, you know, if you need to talk," she said quietly as he held the door for her._

_ He shook his head. "Thanks, but I'll be fine," he told her with a false smile. "You've helped enough this week already."_

_ She leaned over and slapped his cheek lightly, watching as his eyes widened. She grinned as he cracked a real smile. There—that was the Rick Castle she knew and…nope, not going _there_. There was no end to that internal statement. Not. A. One._

_ "You call me if you need anything. And stop trying to act like I don't want to help you, or shouldn't. It's insulting."_

_ "Sorry," he smiled sheepishly. "Now go, you'll be late, and Montgomery will have my head at Poker next week."_

_ She narrowed her eyes at him. She'd honestly forgotten about that little detail. "We still have to talk about that sometime."_

_ "Yeah, yeah," he waved her off. "Get out of here."_

_ "Fine," she said with a false huff. "Bye."_

_ "Bye, Kate."_

_ She left and listened as the door closed behind her. She wished she could stay, and for the first time in a while, she wasn't looking forward to going to work. She'd rather be there with him and Alexis. She shook her head as she got into the elevator and watched the doors close. She needed to get a handle on this; he was her friend, and that was fine, but…well, what was wrong with wanting to spend time with them, or fix their problems? They were her friends. She'd be worried if Madison were having this kind of problem, or Lanie, right?_

_ It was going to be a long workday. _

_(…)_

_ It had been a long workday. It had been a really long workday. _

_ Kate stumbled into her apartment at eight that night and left her gun on her hall bureau, locking her door with tired hands. She fell down onto her couch and threw an arm over her eyes, exhausted. There had been two homicides, and they'd gone to both scenes, which meant lots of paperwork, and two more bodies to add to the ever growing file of murder scenes in her head. Neither was particularly gruesome or especially disturbing, but dead bodies were dead bodies. They were all disturbing on some level._

_ She sighed and let her arm fall back to the couch. She was tired, but not sleepy, and hungry, but in no mood to eat. She'd managed to eat a bagel at around six, so she wasn't in dire need of food. The remote was where Alexis had left it that morning, and Kate grabbed it from the coffee table, switching the TV on and turning her head to stare at the screen. She could veg. It was kind of pathetic, for a Saturday night, but she wasn't in the mood to do anything more substantial._

_ She passed a good hour just watching, not thinking or wondering or contemplating anything. Television was so dangerous that way, but oh, how she did love to give up her brain to stupidity sometimes. So when her phone rang at 9:30, she was startled._

_ She fished it out of her pocket and brought it up to her ear without checking the screen. She barely had the brainpower to remember what show she was watching, let alone practice basic phone protocol._

_ "Beckett," she answered sleepily._

_ "Hi, Kate," came the soft reply._

_ "Rick. Hi," she shook her head and woke up a bit. Why was he calling her? It was late, for him at least. Usually he caught her as she left work if he wanted to chat. "What's up?"_

_ "Not much. Alexis just went to sleep."_

_ "Just now? That's late, for her." When had she started cataloging Alexis' bedtime regimen?_

_ "Yeah. She…we had a long day," he replied. He sounded as exhausted as she felt, and there was something else—sadness, maybe._

_ "Everything okay? How did…is she okay?" she asked, her mind catching up to the conversation. "Are you okay?"_

_ "I…yeah?" he asked._

_ "Rick," she sighed. "How are you, really?"_

_ "I can't remember the last time she cried so much," he whispered. "Not since we told her we were getting divorced. Maybe when Meredith moved. But, God, she just…nothing made it better. Ice cream, pony ride, dinosaurs—she was just quiet all day. Didn't ask for anything. Didn't want anything…just let me drag her around," he told her, the words tumbling out in a rush._

_ She reached for a pillow and tugged it to her chest at the kind of broken quality in his voice. "Oh, Rick," she murmured. "I'm sorry."_

_ "Me too," he replied. "And it's unfair that I had to be the one to do that to her, you know?"_

_ "I do." She did. It was completely unfair. Meredith should be taking responsibility for it. Hell, Meredith should woman up and just take an hour to see her kid. "How can I help?"_

_ "I just needed to vent," he replied. "What are you up to?"_

_ She smiled at his attempt. "Nothing interesting. Saturday night is bad for TV."_

_ "Oh, come on. You should be out at a club or something," he replied, his tone forcibly light._

_ "You'd rather you were calling me at a club?" she shot back._

_ "Right," he sighed. "Right. Sorry. Interrupting your boring evening is better."_

_ She laughed. They called each other at inopportune moments all the time. He'd caught her doing paperwork at the Precinct, and she'd called him a few times while he was out with Paula. It had become a bit of a joke, of who could be more inconvenient. At the same time though, there was a measure of guilt in his response._

_ "Eh. I'm always happy to chat. You're saving me from boredom."_

_ "Okay, I'm glad for it then."_

_ They grew quiet for a few minutes. It wasn't an awkward silence, but it was a silence. "Rick?" she broke it, unable to stop herself. She didn't like to think that she was helping him brood._

_ "Hmm?"_

_ "Do you have something you can do to keep busy?" she asked._

_ "Probably," he replied. "I could write, I guess."_

_ "Do you want to?" He never wanted to. It was part of what made him such an odd writer. He never seemed to want to sit down and write until he just couldn't stop himself, and then he barricaded and went under, writing passionately until he was forced to stop and eat._

_ "Not really," he replied, just as she expected him to. _

_ "Well you can't just lay around all night. That's kind of pathetic."_

_ "Takes one pathetic to know one," he shot back._

_ "Touché," she laughed. _

_ "You could…" he trailed off and she waited. "Wanna be pathetic together?" he asked quietly._

_ She hadn't exactly been waiting for it…oh, who was she kidding? She had. Lying on a couch with Rick would be more fun than lying on her couch alone. And she was worried about him. Better to worry about him in person, right?_

_ "I could be pathetic with you, sure," she replied. "Be there in twenty?"_

_ "You don't have to," he said quickly. "I just thought…"_

_ "Already said yes. Do you listen when I talk? Or is it like a little jukebox in your head that turns on when you're not talking?" she taunted as she stood and walked back into her room to change, grabbing her gun as she went. She wanted to be comfortable, and she really hated going to his place with death all over her. She dropped the gun into her drawer and added her badge._

_ "I listen!" he protested. "I listened to your whole story about the dead guy with the…with the…the thing, the other day," he stammered while she clicked on speakerphone and began unbuttoning her blouse._

_ "Yeah, good job with that," she laughed. She tossed it into her hamper and then pulled off her pants, walking over to the dresser to grab a tee shirt and a pair of loose jeans. _

_"You sound far away," he said. "Am I on speaker?"_

_ "I'm changing. Got a problem?" she replied, aware that her voice was muffled as she pulled on the shirt._

_ "You're naked right now?" He sounded just the slightest bit gleeful. She wasn't sure if she was okay with that. Though, anything was better than defeated, so gleeful would have to pass tonight._

_ "I'm not now," she grinned. "You missed it."_

_ "Damn."_

_ "Rick."_

_ "Sorry."_

_ She giggled and paused in front of her mirror to throw her hair into a ponytail. She picked up the phone, clicked off the speaker and grabbed a jacket. "I'm on my way," she told him. She took her keys and wallet and locked her door with a smile. "Talk to you then."_

_ "You're gonna hang up?" he asked, his voice petulant and whiny._

_ "Rick, my cell bill is bad enough as it is. You'll see me in ten minutes," she said as she got into the elevator. He was ridiculous._

_ "Fine," he sighed. "Hurry though, I'm lonely."_

_ "Yeah, yeah," she replied, and then they clicked off. The thing was, he was lonely. He wasn't lying, and he probably actually didn't want her to get off the phone._

_ She sighed as she stepped out on the ground floor and walked outside, hailing a cab. She had no idea how late she'd be there, and she didn't want to have to drive herself back. And, if past precedent stood, he'd either make her stay over or have someone drive her back. No amount of protestation ever swayed his vote._

_ She gave the cabbie his address and watched the city go by, lost in thoughts of teary little girls and lonely, lost fathers. Pictures of her happy childhood mixed with Alexis' and Kate felt like the cab ride took less than a minute when they pulled up to Rick's curb. She paid and got out, walking slowly into the building. There was nothing wrong with going to his house at night. It crossed no barriers. They'd done it before._

_ She smiled at the doorman and walked to the elevator, nodding to a few other inhabitants, who all seemed to know her. Was she here that much? She stepped into the elevator and shook her head; of course she was. She was here all the time. After all, here she was, coming over to hang out on a Saturday night, just because Rick asked._

_ The ride to his floor was short, and before her mind had caught up, she was knocking quietly on the door and he was opening it. His hair was messy and he looked absolutely beaten down._

_ "Hey," he whispered._

_ "Hey," she replied, reaching out to smooth down a piece of his hair without thinking about it. _

_ "Come on in."_

_ He guided her inside and waited while she toed off her flats. He then took her hand and pulled her into his office, shutting the door so that they wouldn't wake Alexis. They stood there, hands linked, and looked each other over. He wore jeans and a large blue tee shirt, his socked feet scuffing restlessly at the floor. _

_ "So," he murmured after a silent minute._

_ "So," she replied, giving him a small smile. "Wanna veg?"_

_ He shrugged. "I'm restless," he offered._

_ Restless—what a helpful answer. "Come on." She tugged him over to one of the black leather chairs and sat him down in it, plopping down onto the floor to sit between his legs, leaning her head against the side of his knee so she could look up at him. "There. You're resting."_

_ He just nodded and met her gaze. They just stared at each other for a few quiet minutes. "I'm mad."_

_ "Of course you are," she whispered. _

_ "I'm more angry than I was when I found out she was cheating on me. You'd think I wouldn't be, right? But I am."_

_ She reached out and laid her hand on his foot, squeezing it gently. "Well, she's not just hurting you; she's hurting Alexis. I can see why you'd be more angry this time around."_

_ He sighed and one of his hands fell to his thigh. He ran his fingers through her ponytail and closed his eyes. Kate wished she could make it all go away. A tiny part of her wondered, belatedly, who could ever cheat on Richard Castle. Why would you want to? How could it be _better_ than Richard Castle?_

_ "And, you know, when I left her it was just…it was like a failed experiment. And I got Alexis out of it, so I've been okay with it. But this…I know she's immature. But I always expect that she'll grow up for our kid."_

_ "And the more you hope, the more you get shot down, right?" Kate asked quietly._

_ He nodded. "The whole thing was stupid."_

_ "The marriage?" _

_ "Yeah." He opened his eyes and looked down at her. "Alexis…Alexis wasn't planned." Kate just squeezed his foot. Rick gave information in spurts and she'd learned that she just had to let him ride it out. He'd tell her what he needed to, and she was just there to listen, like he was for her. "Meredith got pregnant after we'd been dating for about a month. And, you know me. I like to do things big, right?"_

_ She gave him an encouraging smile. "Right."_

_ "So I propose, you know? That's what you do. I had money; I was right out of college. I was riding high on life, and Alexis…I was terrified, but I've always liked kids. And she was perfect. Still is."_

_ "She is," Kate agreed. It sounded like a whirlwind romance that had turned into a whirlwind family. And this, what was happening now, was what happened when the whirlwind spun out of control._

_ "And we were happy for a while. Meredith was never perfect, but she was passionate, and she enjoyed Alexis; I think she still does. But the world revolves around Meredith. And your kid—your world needs to revolve around your kid."_

_ "Like yours," she murmured, nudging his leg with her head._

_ He nodded. "Like mine. Like yours does for Alexis when you're here," he continued. "God, Kate, you just…I don't get it." He grew quiet for a moment._

_ "Don't get what?" she asked, confused._

_ "How you can be so great with Alexis, and care, and help, and, you know, come over to listen to me whine, when Meredith can't even find an hour to see her daughter. I just don't get it."_

_ Air rushed out of her lungs. They had to stop doing that—comparing her to Meredith. She wasn't a standard. Meredith needed to be a standard. Meredith needed standards. And it just, there was something in the way he spoke about her, about Kate, that was full of so much admiration. And what was she doing that was so admirable? She had a best friend, and he had a kid, and the kid was wonderful. Kate was being selfish, soaking up all the happiness and innocence and fun that the Castles had to offer. How was that something to be admired?_

_ "I'm just…" she started, before taking a breath and trying to find something coherent to say. "It's easy to love your daughter, Rick," she whispered._

_ He looked down at her and Kate met his eyes. What stared back at her was that emotion they never talked about. It wasn't love. It wasn't gratitude. It was just…it was the look he gave her that made her heart flutter and knees quake and mind spin—like he'd never seen anyone as amazing, or wonderful as her. And it was moments like this that stopped her for a second, and made her wonder exactly what they were doing._

_ But then his hands reached down and he pulled her up from the floor. He tugged her down into his lap so he could wrap his arms around her and bury his face in her hair. "Thank you," he murmured into her neck, before he dropped a kiss against her skin._

_ Kate startled and felt her hands clench into his shirt where they'd fallen. He chuckled and just held her tighter. So this was what they were—not quite lovers, yet not quite friends, and both still hurting. It was absolutely maddening, and comfortable, and terrifying and wonderful. It was too many things at once. Eventually, the shock wore off and she sank into his embrace, settling in his lap, with her legs thrown over the arm of the chair and one arm wrapped around his neck. _

_ "This is comfy," he said after a long time had passed._

_ "Hmm," she replied, now too comfortable to care about the fact that she was in his lap, and his hands were wrapped around her waist and over her knees. Avoiding questions and protocol and barriers was easy in the quiet of his office._

_ "Thanks for coming over."_

_ "Happy to be here," she replied honestly. Apparently her internal editor had left when he'd started rubbing patterns on her knee. _

_ "We should cuddle more often," he replied._

_ She slapped his shoulder lightly. "Don't get any ideas, Mr. Castle."_

_ "Killjoy." They laughed quietly and grew silent again. Kate toyed with the fabric of his shirt against his shoulder and he sighed into her hair. "How long do you think it'll take for Alexis to get over this one?" he asked._

_ "I don't know," Kate replied. "How long did it take her to adjust to Meredith being gone?"_

_ This sigh was deeper and longer. "A while," he whispered._

_ "She'll get through it," Kate assured him. She knew Alexis would. The amount of cleanup that would have to be done along the way was more uncertain. "She'll accept it someday."_

_ "Yeah."_

_ "It will get better."_

_ He nodded against her cheek. "Yeah."_

Kate was brought back to the present when Alexis let out a concerned sigh, biting her lip. "Alexis, Sweetie. Do you want the ring?" Kate asked when she could no longer stand the indecision. A present shouldn't cause this kind of internal struggle.

"Yeah," Alexis replied quietly.

"Then hand it to the nice lady," Kate said as the stall owner came around the counter to stand across from them, "and let me get you something little. I want to."

"Okay," Alexis replied after a moment, standing on her tiptoes to take the ring out of its slot and hand it to the woman. "Can I please have this one?" she asked.

The woman smiled. "Of course," she took it and cut off the tag.

Kate fished in her pocket for her wallet and brought it out, handing the woman eight dollars. "Thank you," she said. Rick nodded over her shoulder. He still hadn't moved.

"You're very welcome," the woman replied, handing Alexis the ring. "Your daughter is very sweet."

"Oh…" Kate replied dumbly.

"Thank you," Rick grinned, squeezing her hip where his hand still sat. "We like her too."

Alexis was too busy putting the ring on her finger and admiring it to pay any attention to them, which was probably a good thing. Kate, on the other hand, had yet to figure out how to make words become speech.

"Come on, Honey," Rick laughed against her cheek. "Let's go grab some lunch. Do you want a piggy back ride again, Lex?"

Alexis turned and met their collective gaze. "No thanks," she smiled, coming over to take Kate's hand. "Thank you for the ring."

"You're welcome," Kate managed as Rick stepped back and then to her side, slinging his arm over her shoulder.

"Let's get food. Thank you," he said to the stall owner as he steered Kate, and Alexis by extension, out onto the street. "You okay there?" he asked as they walked, his arm heavy on her shoulders, Alexis' hand warm in hers.

"Well, I'm trying to figure out where those years went," she replied after a moment. If he could mess with her, she could mess with him. That was the easy way to deal with it. All the confused thoughts could wait, or just be buried. Burial seemed like the more friendly option.

"Years?"

"Well, don't you think it's kind of an insult to our relationship to assume that we've already gotten married? Come on, engaged is more plausible."

She felt his fingers twitch on her shoulder and grinned to herself, keeping her face straight ahead. Two could play at this game.

"You'd have to be dating to get married," Alexis added from her right. Both adults looked down at the little girl. "And Kate, I need to know what your 'tentions are before you do," she added in a deep voice.

"Touché, munchkin," Rick laughed. "Yes, Kate, what _are_ your intentions?" he grinned, nudging her with the hip that was flush with hers.

Kate took a moment to sort out her thoughts. Joking with this man was always dangerous, and somehow, she always forgot that Alexis was just as deadly. She looked down at the little girl, who was grinning up at her and swinging their joined hands back and forth.

"Yeah, Kate," she laughed.

"I intend to let you buy me lunch," she replied after a moment. "And then get me and our daughter ice cream. Think you can handle that, Honeybun?" she asked, turning her head to face him.

He laughed. "Of course, Muffin."

"Oh, no, not that. Too far, Pigeon Boy," she replied quickly. She could take teasing, but he was_ not _calling her Muffin.

"Yeah, Pigeon Boy!" Alexis added.

Rick groaned and then steered them through a gap between two stalls and onto the sidewalk as they neared a corner. "Come on, you two. You ruin all my fun."

They laughed and walked down the street toward a little pizza place that jutted out from the opposite end of the block. Kate relaxed after a minute, listening to Alexis and Rick banter back and forth about acceptable nicknames, trying to one-up each other. It was all just good fun. He'd decided to play along in the stall to get to her, and he'd succeeded. It wasn't a message, or a challenge; it was just Rick being Rick. And, to her chagrin, he'd succeeded in making her blush, stutter and stammer. She'd have to figure out how to get him back sometime soon.

But, as he led them into the pizza place and grinned at her while ordering her a buffalo chicken slice, Kate decided that she could play along. His arm over her shoulder was comfortable and warm, and his breath against her ear, as he whispered "totally eats people when he goes home," sent a small shiver down her spine. She could over-complicate it, or she could play along and enjoy herself a bit. And really, what was the harm there?

"Are you excited to come to the Hamptons with us?" Alexis asked a few minutes later as they sat down in a corner booth in the back, far away from the windows. Kate had gotten used to sitting in corners with them; it was private, and she'd yet to appear in another tabloid.

"Kate hasn't actually said yes yet, Pumpkin," Rick reminded Alexis from his seat next to Kate.

"But she's going to," the girl shot back. "Right?"

"I..."

"Because we're gonna be there all summer, and I'm not gonna see you all the time! So you just have to come. Right?"

Rick gave Kate an apologetic grin and Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "Did you put her up to this?"

"Alexis is a master of guilt completely in her own right," he replied.

Kate had been deliberating over whether or not she did want to spend the holiday with them in the Hamptons since the initial invitation had been made a week earlier. She hadn't come to a conclusion, but now, with Alexis pouting at her across the table, and Rick grinning, his body pressed against hers in the small booth, it was rather hard to say no. And, Alexis was right; she wouldn't get to see them nearly as much after the weekend was through. "I found out yesterday that I do get the weekend off," she said after a pause. "So, yes, Alexis, I'd be happy to come to the Hamptons with you for Memorial Day. It'll be fun."

Rick beamed. "Oh, you have no idea. You'll love it, Kate."

"It's got it's own beach!" Alexis added. "And a pool and everything!"

"A whole weekend in the sun, tanning in your bikini," Rick added, nudging her thigh with his under the table.

"How much of this invitation is just about seeing me in a swimsuit?" Kate asked, turning to meet Rick's gaze.

"I'd be happy to rub lotion on you," he replied easily.

Kate rolled her eyes and then smiled at a bemused Alexis. She was spending Memorial Day weekend with the Castles, at their beach villa. Oh boy. How on Earth would she explain this one to Lanie and Madison?

"You're not rubbing lotion on me," she added after a minute as she tried to wrap her head around the idea while they ate.

"Challenge accepted," Rick grinned.

"It's not a challenge."

"We'll see about that."


	12. Chapter 12

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Yeah right. **

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: This was both an easy and difficult chapter to write. But, it's a beach trip to the Hamptons, so I'm sure you guys will have fun! **

**I have loved all of your responses, and messages, and recommendations, and comments on Twitter and Tumblr. Thank you for being so supportive and amazing.**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 12:<strong>

"So Beckett, what are you doing to for the weekend?" Esposito asked as they cleaned off their desks and gathered their things Friday afternoon.

"Going to the beach," Kate replied distractedly, looking around for her phone, which had taken cover under a mound of paperwork.

"Really?"

Kate glanced over at the surprised quality of his response. "You know, Esposito, I do have fun every now and again."

He raised his hands in surrender. "I know. Not trying to imply that you don't."

"Uh-huh."

"Just…I didn't see you as a beach girl, in, you know, beach wear."

"Stop picturing Beckett in a swimsuit, you animal," Lanie interjected as she rounded the corner and came to stand between their desks.

"Nice to see you too, Miss Parish," he mumbled.

"Oh, wipe off that wounded puppy look," she grinned. "You doing anything fun this weekend?"

"Why? You wanna join me?" he replied with a leer.

"Not on your life," Lanie sniffed, turning back to Kate. "You ready?"

"What are you guys doing? Are you going to the beach together?" Esposito asked as he straightened up and leaned against his desk.

"I'm going to a friend's cabin in the woods, actually," Lanie replied. "Kate's beach adventure is entirely her own."

Esposito considered them for a moment, while Kate got the last of her things together and shoved some files into the 'out' bin on the corner of her desk. "Tell Alexis I say hi," he finally offered, before he turned and strode out of the bullpen and toward the stairs.

"How'd he know?" Lanie asked, meeting Kate's eyes.

Kate shrugged, shaking her head at his retreating form. "He wants to make Detective too. It's an observation thing." Together they started walking out of the pen, nodding to the other uniforms and Detectives, and the few unfortunate officers who were just coming in for the holiday shift. "Plus, he's been here when Alexis has called a few times."

"Yes, how is the little one?" Lanie grinned as they stepped into the elevator. "Tucked her in this week?"

Kate turned and glared at her friend. "You sound just like Madison."

"Probably because you're playing house with a millionaire and his kid may as well start calling you Mommy."

"Shut up," Kate grumbled. "I'm not playing house. And Alexis is _not_ calling me Mommy."

Lanie just shrugged. Kate wanted to smack her. Hell, she'd wanted to reach through the phone and shake Madison when she'd said the same thing last night. Kate wasn't playing house. She was friends with Rick and Alexis, and so she spent time with them. There was nothing 'homey' about it. There wasn't.

"So, are you all driving out there together, or are you meeting them at the house?" Lanie asked, in a tone that suggested that she was not done grilling Kate. And, of course, Kate had had the bright idea to invite Lanie over while she packed—brilliant, like leading a tiger into a room full of meat.

"I'm meeting them tomorrow. Rick and Alexis left this afternoon after she got out of school."

"Those private schools are crazy," Lanie said as the elevator opened to the garage. "She's already done with school?"

"I know," Kate replied as they walked to the car, their heels clacking against the concrete. "But she's brilliant, so it hardly matters. And Rick takes her to do all sorts of educational stuff all the time. Sometimes I think she's a better reader than I am."

"Yeah, you're not proud of that kid at all," Lanie grinned as they got into the car. "You know, there's nothing to be ashamed of if you _are_ playing house."

"I'm not," Kate replied, turning her attention to pulling out of the garage and heading for her apartment. "We're just friends."

"Friends who spend half their nights together, call each other at work, and share a mutual love for a kid?"

"Lanie, I'll stop and drop you off," Kate threatened. Her relationship with Rick was confusing enough, without Lanie and Madison piling on other subtext.

"I'm just trying to get you to see reason," Lanie replied innocently. "I don't understand why you haven't jumped him yet."

"Other than the fact that we're with his kid almost all the time," Kate replied dryly.

"You've had opportunities," Lanie countered. "And you haven't used a single one of them."

"I'm not trying to sleep with him."

"You should be."

"Lanie."

"No, honestly. Why not?" Lanie needled. "He's hot. You're hot. He's young. You're young. Just go for it!"

"He's recently divorced and has a kid. And I'm…" Kate took a breath and tried to figure out how to explain it without making Lanie think she was having a relapse. "I'm not all together yet."

"You're doing so well, though," Lanie replied quietly. "I know you are. You look _happy_, Kate—even more so than when you had Will."

"I am happy," Kate agreed. "But I'm not ready to jump into a serious relationship when all of my baggage isn't gone yet, you know?"

Lanie nodded slowly and then fell silent as they traveled the remaining two blocks to Kate's apartment. Kate kept her focus on the road and tried to ignore the niggling thoughts in her own mind—those thoughts that urged her to say 'the hell with it,' and jump in with him. But he wasn't ready. And neither was she. And it wouldn't be fair to Alexis to let things crash and burn; she only had so many stable adults in her life. Kate wasn't willing to take herself away from the girl, nor could she stand having the girl taken away from her. Oh, hell, she was in too deep, wasn't she?

They got to Kate's building and parked, hurrying inside to get out of the light rain that the weather man had said would pass, leaving Memorial Day weekend sunny and perfect for celebration. They got into the elevator and stood side by side, staring at the doors.

"You know, everyone has baggage," Lanie offered after a moment.

"I know."

"He has baggage."

"I know," Kate sighed.

"Can't you have baggage together?" Lanie asked as the doors opened.

Kate ushered her out and over to her door while she tried to find a way to articulate it. "We have baggage together already," she replied as she opened the door.

"Yeah, as friends. But you could have baggage together and still be doing it," Lanie replied easily.

"Is that all you ever think about?"

Lanie turned back and grinned at her while they took off their shoes. "Sometimes. But I think you should think about it more often."

"I'm good with where he and I are right now. I like where we are."

"I'm just saying that it could be better," Lanie shrugged while Kate pushed past her to go to her bedroom and remove her gun. "And you should totally bring that blue bikini."

"Lanie!"

"Oh, come on. If you're not going to give it to him, at least let him fantasize, girl."

Kate shook her head and moved toward her closet to grab her suitcase. She didn't need to tell her that Rick already fantasized about her enough, and told her so. Lanie didn't need the satisfaction.

(….)

The drive out to Rick's house was heavy with traffic and Kate spent most of it too focused on the road to have time to think much about where she was going, or what any of it meant. Only when she was driving through Southampton, and the busy highway traffic had disappeared, did she realize that she was on her way to Richard Castle's beach house, to run around in a swimsuit with him for three days.

She shook her head as she turned down a long road that passed house after gigantic house, with glimpses of the Atlantic between them. She had the feeling that this was about to feel like Rick's Birthday party—a mix between titillating and overwhelmingly intimidating.

She turned at number 302 and drove down the long driveway that curved around a bunch of large maple trees and wildflowers. Seagulls flew overhead and Kate couldn't help but smile. She was going to the beach, and after the gritty homicide of the day before, it was a welcome change of scenery.

When she pulled into the parking circle, however, she was too in awe to think of much else. The house, more a miniature mansion, was enormous. A white, wrap-around porch extended from the blue, two-story façade, with white shutters surrounding every large window. There was no garage, but Kate could see the edge of a pool jutting out from behind the left side of the house, and there was a little cabana where the garage should have been.

Two large maple trees stood on either side of the front steps and Kate fumbled with her door as she took it all in, watching the play of shadows from the leaves as they cascaded over the front deck.

"I've stepped into the Twilight Zone. I'm being punked," she muttered as she walked around the car and pulled out her suitcase. "And I'm talking to myself. Wonderful."

"Kate!" She turned and laughed as Alexis came barreling down the stairs, dressed in a little bikini, her hair pulled up in a high ponytail. "You're here!"

"Hi, Lex," Kate laughed as Alexis wrapped her arms around her waist. "I see you're all ready to go swimming."

"I am! But we wanted to wait for you, so we would know when you got here."

"That was very nice of you," Kate told her as she wrapped an arm over the girl's shoulders and began walking toward the house.

Rick came out of the open front door and leaned against the door frame. He wore a white tee shirt, a pair of blue, floral swim trunks, and a large, happy smile. The shirt was nice. The trunks were great. And the smile…no, not going there.

"You made it," he said happily as they walked up the steps. He reached down and grasped her suitcase as he leaned in and gave her a lingering kiss on the cheek. "Hi," he offered as he straightened back up and tugged the suitcase from her hand.

"Hi, chivalrous one."

He grinned. "Of course. Now, come in and let's give you a tour before Alexis explodes in anticipation."

"I won't explode, Daddy," she huffed. "But don't take forever, okay?"

Kate and Rick laughed. "I can just get the short tour, for now. But you'll have to let me change before we go out to the beach, okay?" She was going to match Rick's trunks. That was almost too cute.

"What will you be wearing?" he asked as he led her into the expansive foyer, which bordered on a formal living room, surrounded by wall-to-wall bookshelves. Big bay windows looked out on the back porch and the ocean at the end of a stretch of private beach. A huge, oak staircase in the middle of the living room blocked the other side of the back view.

Kate blinked and gazed around for a moment before giving her attention back to Rick, who was watching her expectantly. "You'll find out."

He scowled but gave her a shrug. "Fine. Alexis, why don't you go get the beach toys while I take Kate upstairs to her room, okay?"

Alexis nodded and scurried away and out the big, sliding glass doors that opened onto the patio. Rick took Kate's free hand and began to lead her up the staircase. She nearly stumbled as she stared at the big kitchen on the other side of the staircase, with its huge marble countertops and center island.

"This house," she breathed as he pulled her up to the second floor. "My God, it's enormous."

He turned around to walk backwards, so he could meet her eyes. "Too much?"

She laughed. "If I said it was, what would you do?"

He bobbed his head for a moment. "Move, maybe. But, it's not, right?"

Move? _Move_? She shook her head. She'd have to think about that one later. "It's not. It's just…My…We rented a beach house when I was a kid, but it wasn't like this."

"I know it's a bit big for just me and Alexis, but it was available and when I got it I was still a little high on fortune, you know?"

"Apparently," Kate murmured as they passed two more rooms, a bedroom and a study. The house was extravagant, but, then again, the long white hall was lined with pictures of Rick and Alexis, along with various paintings from unknown artists, that Rick had probably picked up at little galleries.

"So, this is your room," he said as they came to a stop at the end of the hall. There was only one other door next to hers, which she assumed led to the master bedroom.

He led her inside and Kate gave a gasp as she looked out of the huge windows along the opposite wall. The room faced the back of the house and gave her an expansive view of the ocean. The huge, white, queen-sized bed faced the windows and there was a small sofa along the right side of the room, next to a door that led to a white-tiled bathroom.

The bed looked sinfully comfortable, and there was a hanging closet along the left side of the room, along with a dresser and a large, mirrored dressing table.

"Good?" he asked, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet.

"Good is an understatement," Kate murmured, watching as he moved to put her suitcase on the little sofa. "How many people do you usually have up here?"

Rick turned and gave her an odd look. "Just me, Alexis and my mother, usually. I did buy it when I was…with Meredith, so sometimes she threw larger parties, but that was a while ago."

Kate nodded absently as she walked to stand near the windows, looking out on the pale blue sky and choppy, roiling ocean.

"The water will still be a bit cold, but you get used to it," he said, coming to stand next to her. "Though, if you're in an itsy bitsy bikini, you might be colder than me," he added.

She turned to look at him. "You know, you have to leave so I can change and you can find out if you're right or not."

He was gone from her side in an instant, a large grin plastered across his face as he closed the door. "We'll be outside. Come meet us. I'll have sunscreen and everything. Just bring a towel."

Kate shook her head and opened her suitcase, shuffling things around until she found her bikini. It wasn't itsy bitsy, but it wasn't that demure either. It would pass the child standard though. She shrugged and went into the bathroom to change, more than aware of the huge windows that would give Rick an unimpeded view of her changing if she stayed in the room.

The bathroom was ridiculous. It had a huge bath and shower in the corner. The tub was deeper than hers at home, and the showerhead above it was removable, with a fancy handle that probably had all sorts of settings. The mirror over the sink was large and lighted, and even the toilet looked expensive.

She shrugged out of her clothes and slipped into the bikini, trying to remind herself that it was just Rick and Alexis. The size and extravagance of the house didn't change the people in it. And the house itself was a paradox, huge and expensive, yet adorned with childhood photos and obscure paintings. The bookshelves in the living room would be fun to go through, and Kate was already looking forward to going to sleep to a good, obscure book that night.

She found a beach towel laid out on her bed, which felt just as comfortable as it looked, and she wrapped that around her waist before grabbing her sunglasses—a white pair that she'd picked up at the flea market—and heading downstairs.

She wandered through the living room and out onto the patio, following the sounds of Alexis' delighted giggles as she made her way across the sand. The pool was set out to the left of the back patio, and past it stretched a large expanse of beach that led down to the ocean. She could see an umbrella already set up, and beyond it, Alexis and Rick were already splashing each other in the waves.

She smiled as she walked through the sand. It had been ages since she'd been to the beach, and she found that she'd missed the breeze and smell of the ocean. The sand was soft beneath her feet and the sun was warm on her back as she reached the umbrella. She added her towel to the ones they'd dropped on the lone beach chair and spotted the sunscreen on the blanket they'd laid out. She grabbed it and began smoothing it over her skin, rubbing it in almost mechanically.

She glanced over at the pair at the ocean's edge and found Rick watching her. A moment later, he disappeared as Alexis tackled him, using his moment of distraction to her advantage. Kate laughed and finished her legs and stomach. Then, with a deft accuracy that would probably make Rick pout, she did her back, reaching around with flexible, long arms to rub the lotion into the difficult-to-reach areas.

She capped the bottle and stood for a moment, watching father and daughter play in the water. She almost couldn't believe that she was actually there, at the beach villa—there was no other way to describe it—staying the weekend with them. What made her worthy of this? The house was gigantic and the people…they were such good people. She knew she made Alexis happy, and Rick too, but she had moments of doubt about all of it.

"Kate!" Alexis called, breaking her from her thoughts.

She cleared her mind and took off toward the water while she watched Rick pick Alexis up and toss her into the waves. Kate sped up and hit the water at a sprint. Then she squealed and jumped back.

"Told you it was cold!" Rick said as he approached her, Alexis hanging onto one hand as she floated in the water. "Nice suit."

She glared at him, standing ankle-deep in the water. It was frigid. Also, Rick was shirtless, and she was having a little trouble taking her eyes off his chest. Did he work out? He wasn't quite chiseled, but he had great definition; he looked good. He looked really good.

"See something you like?" he added as he reached her, standing Alexis up in the water.

"Hi!" she grinned, wrapping her cold, wet arms around Kate's stomach.

Kate gave a gasp of surprise and looked down at the little imp. "You are wet, Miss Alexis."

"It's not _that _cold," the girl replied, stepping away to flop back into the water. "Specially when you get your head under."

Kate watched her, bemused. The water felt _freezing_. Then she glanced at Rick, who was now looking at her with a predatory smile. "Oh no," she warned, stepping away from him as he advanced. "You better stay away from me, Richard Cast…"

But she was too cautious, and before she could blink, he'd scooped her up bridal style, and walked deeper into the water, until he stood waist deep. His arms and chest were cold, and she squirmed, trying to get away, but aware that now, if she did, she'd get wet either way.

"You're evil," she told him, meeting his eyes.

"And there's a lot of your skin showing," he replied, moving a big hand over her shoulders.

She flicked his ear. "Rick."

"What? I'm not allowed to admire the beautiful woman in the alluring bikini?"

Kate scowled at the easy grin on his face. "Put me down on dry land."

"Oh, sorry, no can do," he replied, giving her an apologetic look. "Everyone must swim. It's a Castle tradition."

"Rick," she growled.

"Sorry."

Then he tossed her into the freezing water. Kate hit the ocean and went rigid. It was horrible—freezing, cold and _wet_. She came up spluttering and wiped her eyes, her entire body covered in goosebumps. And he was just standing there, grinning at her.

"You are going down, Richard," she threatened, advancing toward him even as she shivered.

"Oh, I'm scared," he laughed.

Well, she hadn't gone through the Police Academy for nothing. "Hey Alexis," she called, waiting until the little girl doing somersaults in the water looked up. "Watch this!"

Then she swung a leg around and pulled Rick's out from underneath him. He toppled backward into the water with a splash and Kate and Alexis laughed. The girl came over and floated next to Kate as they waited for him to come up. When he didn't after a moment, Kate began looking for him in the water, worried that perhaps it was too shallow and he'd hit his head. But then, as her whole body toppled forward, pushed by his full weight as he flung himself onto them, she realized that he might just be a worthy match.

They spent the greater part of the afternoon swimming and messing around in the water, until Alexis got cold and they opted to get out and build sand castles. Rick's was by far the most imaginative, but Alexis and Kate's was more structurally sound, with its retaining wall and courtyard.

"You know what my mom and I used to do?" she asked Alexis as they put the finishing touches on their castle while Rick rested in the sand, a hand thrown over his eyes in a dramatic protest of their having teamed up on him.

"What?" Alexis asked, looking up at Kate with wide eyes.

"We used to catch hermit crabs and keep them in our castle until it was time for dinner." What had prompted her to share the memory was beyond her. But Alexis looked intrigued, and suddenly it just felt like the right thing to say, the right thing to share.

"Really?"

"Yeah," Kate replied, remembering the hours they'd spent looking for crabs and then watching them inside the castle that looked remarkably like the one she and Alexis had just built. "And then we'd put them back, but it was fun."

"Could we do that?" Alexis asked.

Kate gave her a smile. It had been forever since she'd done something like this. She felt a subtle warmth wash over her at the idea that she had someone to share the tradition with now.

"Sure," she smiled, standing and brushing herself off before extending a hand to Alexis. "Rick, do you want to start dinner while we grab the crabs? And then we can eat out here while we watch them?"

She turned to look at him and found him already watching her, his eyes soft and a smile playing at his lips. "Sounds great," he told her, his blue eyes twinkling. "You guys have fun."

Alexis grinned while Kate returned Rick's smile. He got up and made his way to the house, his gate easy and relaxed, and Kate grabbed a bucket and turned back to Alexis, allowing her to tug her down to the water.

"You did this with your mom?" she asked a few minutes later as they stopped and searched for crabs in the rocks the low tide had left behind.

"We did," Kate replied as she picked up a particularly large crab. "Got a good one."

"Ooh!" Alexis exclaimed, extending her hands and cupping them together so Kate could place the crab in her hands. "It's so big and it tickles!" she squealed, giggling as it crawled around her hands.

"He's a good one," Kate replied, looking around. "And I've got another. Brings our total up to seven," she added, counting the crabs already sitting in the bucket with some water.

"How many do we need?"

"Well, that depends. How many do you want?" Kate asked, watching as Alexis gently placed the crab in the bucket.

Alexis stared down at the crabs and then looked up at Kate. "Two more?"

Kate nodded and took the girl's hand again as they walked along the water's edge. "Are you having fun?" she asked.

Alexis nodded and looked up at her. "It's really nice to have you here."

"I'm having fun. I'm glad to be here," Kate replied honestly.

"Sometimes it gets lonely with just me and Daddy. It's a big house."

"It is a big house," Kate agreed, feeling her heart tug a little at the wistful quality in Alexis' voice.

"I miss Mommy sometimes, when we're here," the girl admitted. "She used to come."

"I'm sorry your Mom lives so far away," Kate told her, giving her hand a squeeze.

"Me too," Alexis nodded. "I wish she could come see me more." She let go of Kate's hand and bent down to pick up another crab, placing it into the bucket. "But she's too busy. Work's more important."

Kate looked down at the girl, who was looking down at the water, one hand twisting into the ruffles of her brown and pink bikini, the other held behind her neck. Kate knelt down, ignoring the sting of the cold water, and reached out to turn Alexis' face to meet hers.

"Work is never more important than you," she said seriously, watching the mistrust and disbelief flicker across Alexis' eyes. "Your Mom is busy, but that doesn't mean that you're not important to her."

Alexis nodded after a moment, but Kate could tell that she didn't really believe her. She'd kill that woman, or slap her the first time she met her.

"I know," Alexis added.

"I don't think you do," Kate said honestly. "But know that you are, okay? You are the most important thing in your Daddy's life, and your Mommy loves you very much. Don't doubt that, okay?"

Alexis looked at her, considering her. "Am I important to you?" she asked very softly.

"Oh, Sweetie," Kate sighed, placing the bucket into the sand behind them and reaching out to pull the little girl into a hug. "You're the most important thing in my life too," she whispered, "and I love you very much. Don't doubt that either."

Alexis hugged her hard and buried her face into Kate's neck. Kate rubbed her back and tried to figure out what had just happened. They'd been talking about Meredith, and suddenly she was reassuring Alexis that she loved her, and that the girl was the most important thing in her life. It wasn't a lie. There was little Kate treasured more than the relationship she shared with Alexis, and she would drop everything if Alexis needed her. She knew that. She'd known that for a while.

But knowing that and telling the child that were different. But, then again, did it matter? If it was true, Alexis deserved to know. And now she did, and Kate had a broken, fragile little girl clinging to her neck.

"Do you want to go put the crabs in our castle?" she asked a few minutes later.

"Okay," Alexis murmured.

She let go and Kate stood up, offering the girl her hand. Together, they walked back toward the beach, where Rick was waiting for them, a plate of burgers set out on a little table he'd brought over. They reached him and Kate smiled at the trash bag he extended to her.

"I figured this way you could keep them wet."

"Thanks," Kate replied, kneeling down as she handed Alexis the bucket to hold. The little girl hugged it close with both arms and watched with rapt attention as Kate fitted the trash bag over the wall of their courtyard, creating an insulated little pool. "Okay, pour the water in, Lex."

Alexis did as she was asked, and within a minute, they had a little crab corral. "That's cool," Alexis said, turning to Kate with a smile.

Kate's heart warmed at the fact that the girl was smiling again, and she nodded. "I always loved doing this."

"Did you go to the beach a lot when you were little?" Alexis asked as she let Rick wipe her hands down with a disinfecting wipe. He held one out for Kate.

"Thanks. Yeah, we did," she told Alexis. "My Dad had a friend who rented us a house out in Jersey. It was fun."

They sat down together on the blanket, and Rick handed them each a plate with a burger, and a glass of lemonade. "Dinner is served."

"Thanks, Rick," Kate said as she settled onto the blanket and took a bite. "And you make a great burger. What can't you cook?"

"Brownies," he and Alexis replied together.

"Really?" Kate laughed.

"Daddy made the firemen come once," Alexis told her.

Kate snorted as she took a bite of burger and had to take a second to make sure she wouldn't choke. "Really?"

"I just set off the alarm," Rick mumbled. "Suffice it to say that they were not happy."

Kate just shook her head and then smiled as Alexis leaned back against her legs. "And what did you do, Lex?"

"Stood outside with Gram and laughed," she replied. "Mommy wasn't so happy though."

Kate glanced over at Rick just in time to see his face fall for a second, before he brightened. "That's right! She was putting on cold cream, right?"

Alexis nodded. "And then someone took a picture."

"Oh, God, yeah, not a good week for us," he admitted.

"Do you wear cream to sleep, Kate?" Alexis asked, twisting back to look at her.

"No," Kate replied, scrunching her face up at the thought. Ick. "I don't wear enough makeup to need it yet."

"You don't need makeup," Rick said from her left.

She glanced over at him. "Thanks?"

"I agree," Alexis added. "And that way, you can laugh with me when Daddy does that again."

Kate glanced between them. There was no winning with those two. There was no skirting around it. She was stuck, in too deep, settled in their lives, and she wasn't going to end up coming back.

"I agree," she said after a minute. "I'd totally laugh."

(….)

Sunday passed much like Saturday had. Kate woke to a big breakfast being cooked down stairs, Alexis and Rick moving around with a practiced ease. She found that when she stepped in to help, she fit. It hadn't been awkward, just comfortable, passing things and moving around Rick as they tag-teamed the eggs and waffles.

Then they'd spent the rest of the day outside, moving between the pool and the ocean, playing tag, playing frisbee, and tanning. Well, Kate had tanned, Alexis had imitated her, and Rick had spent an inordinate amount of time staring at Kate's ass. She'd glared at him for a while, but then had given up when he'd said, point blank, "You have a great body, Kate. I'm going to admire it. You like mine too, I see it. Accept it. You're just going to get tired of admonishing me anyway."

It wasn't bad, being appreciated. And after a while, it stopped bothering her. It was just how they were. It was just how this little group they'd become was. She fit into their lives as a third part of their little team, and when she was with them, it wasn't weird. And if she kept trying to make it weird, she'd ruin it somehow, right? It wouldn't ruin itself, right?

Kate stared out at the ocean, her arms folded over her knees. The deck was quiet and bathed in swatches of moonlight that poured through the beams above her. The beach itself stretched out, pale and soft in the bright night, and Kate took a deep breath of clean air. It was quiet, and she was content to let herself get lost in thoughts of nothing.

She heard a creak behind her and then the soft pad of bare feet moving across the wooden floor of the dining room.

"Kate?"

"Out here," she called quietly. How did he always know where to find her?

"Hey," he murmured as he stepped through the large, sliding glass doors and out onto the patio. "Why're you up?"

"Couldn't sleep," she shrugged, turning her head back to look up at him. "Why are you up?"

"Haven't gone to sleep yet," he replied, sitting down next to her. He never left any space between their bodies anymore, and he sat with his thigh flush with hers. Kate didn't mind it; it was a bit chilly, and the thin cotton pants she wore didn't do much for her body heat. "Been jotting down notes for Derrick."

"Anything good?" she asked. She'd yet to tell him that she was an embarrassingly large fan of his work. And these moments, when he talked about his writing—well, they kind of made a long time dream of hers come true.

"Nothing," he sighed. "And Gina's going to have my head."

"You'll get there," she told him with confidence. He was quiet and far less cocky late at night. "You've had what, ten Bestsellers?"

"It's funny how you always think the next one will flop," he laughed darkly. "But thanks."

"Oh come on, find that Richard Castle arrogance."

"It's 3am. I'm off my game," he grumbled.

"Hmm," she replied, looking back out at the ocean. It was so peaceful and calm at night. Was it _really_ that late?

"Why can't you sleep?" he asked a few minutes later, one of his hands coming to rest on her knee, sneaking under her elbow to settle there, warm against the fabric of her pajamas.

Her father. Her mother. A big, cold, empty bed. Alexis' problems with Meredith. Rick's constant touches and caresses. Murder scenes. "My mind just wouldn't shut down," she replied after a moment. How could she possibly explain how much was whirring around her head?

"Is it about your Dad?" Rick asked quietly, the hand on her knee squeezing gently. "He called earlier, right?"

"For our Sunday chat, yeah," Kate replied.

"Is everything okay?"

Was everything okay? Her father had sounded distant, and lonely—not that he ever sounded _happy_. And this, coupled with the call earlier in the week, had left her worried. He hadn't had anything substantial to say tonight, when he'd called and she'd had to leave Rick and Alexis in the living room, watching one of the _Land Before Time_ movies.

He'd just let her ask questions, pulling information out of him with as much ease as a root canal. There was nothing wrong; he was going with Alan tomorrow, to go fishing, and then he had work for the rest of the week. But there was something so off about his voice. She just couldn't figure out what it was. He'd been doing better for so long, and with everything that was coming, she was worried.

She looked over at Rick and found him staring back at her with simple concern on his face, his body heat radiating out to her as he rubbed soft circles on her kneecap, his hand jostling the arms she still had folded on her knees.

She blew out a breath, suddenly compelled to tell him a part of her past. She'd have to figure out what it was about him that made her want to do that. "My parents got married almost thirty years ago…or they would have, this coming month."

"Oh, Kate," Rick sighed.

"And, it's just…it's not like a Birthday or the anniversary of…you know. But, it's still a day that won't ever happen again." He pulled his hand away and she was momentarily confused, until she felt him wrap his arm around her and pull her into his side—a silent strength she could lean into as she remembered. "But for my Dad, it was always something big. He did flowers and chocolate, and they'd go out dancing."

"Sounds like he knew just how to spoil your mom," Rick murmured.

Kate smiled sadly. "Yeah. She always had this gorgeous smile when she woke up and he had flowers waiting for her on the bedside. I almost felt bad on Mother's Day, because I knew that I couldn't really compete with my Dad."

"I'm sure your mom loved your Mother's Day flowers."

"Yeah," Kate sighed. "But it wasn't the same. I know that, now." Her mother had always had a special smile for Kate—a smile that could light up a room. But for her father, she'd had a smile that would light up the sky.

"Are you worried about him?" Rick asked quietly a few minutes later, pulling Kate from memories of watching her parents waltz around their living room to Frank Sinatra.

Kate nodded and leaned her head against his shoulder. "He's done so well this year, but their anniversary is coming, and then it's just a few months until her Birthday, and then the anniversary, and…" her breath hitched and she swiped at the corner of her right eye. She wouldn't tear up. She'd gotten to the point where she could talk about her mom without crying. She had.

Rick's arm tightened around her shoulder and he leaned down to press a kiss against her forehead. "I'm sorry," he whispered.

Kate reached for his free hand and twined their fingers together. "Thanks," she replied. "Being out here has been good," she added honestly. It had. The distraction Alexis and Rick provided had kept her from focusing on her father, and the summer and the fact that after summer came the fall. It was only at night, when Alexis and Rick were asleep, that the harsher realities came back. She'd tossed and turned on Saturday night as well.

"I'm glad," he told her, leaning his cheek against the crown of her head. "We've liked having you here. Alexis begged me to get you to stay for the whole summer."

Kate laughed and then gave a sigh. "It's tempting," she replied. "But I have to work. Most of us can't call insomnia 'brainstorming,' like you seem to do."

"More's the pity. But if you get another opportunity, you should come back— spend another weekend."

"That would be nice," she murmured, her head growing heavy and body sagging beside him. The quiet ebb and flow of the ocean and Rick's warmth wrapped around her had finally managed to lull her into exhaustion.

"Feels like I'm putting you to sleep," he chuckled.

Kate shook her head against his cheek. She didn't want to move. "I'm not sleepy."

"Oh, come on. Alexis tries that on me all the time. In fact, I think you learned it from her."

"Not lying," she lied. She was slowly falling asleep on his shoulder, but she didn't want to move just yet. She was so comfortable, and in her hazy, pre-sleep state, she wasn't above admitting that she liked having Rick's arm around her shoulders, and his fingers twined with hers.

"Okay. Five more minutes," he murmured.

"Kay," she replied, snuggling into him a bit. She'd probably regret this in the morning, when he gave her a knowing grin and then took every opportunity he could find to touch her. But, then again, would she really regret that?

They'd have to figure themselves out sometime soon. He dropped another kiss against her forehead and his arm squeezed her into his side. They were taking so many liberties, from holding hands in public, to sitting out in the moonlight in the middle of the night. She didn't mind; she _liked_ it. But lines were blurring, and she was well aware that they weren't ready to jump in the sack. It would ruin everything.

She didn't want to give it up, but she didn't know how to keep it going without watching everything combust before they could catch the fuse.

"Hey. I can feel you thinking up here," he whispered.

"Shut up," she muttered.

"Then don't think so loud," he laughed. "Want to share?"

"Not now," she replied quietly. Sleepy and hazy on his shoulder was not the time to talk about their relationship.

"Everything will work out," he said a few minutes later.

She didn't know whether he was talking about her Dad, or their relationship, or the fact that Alexis had been completely attached to Kate since their crab hunting expedition, and seemed reluctant to talk about the fact that Kate had to go back to the city the next day.

She hoped he was right, about all of it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Let me know if you would like to change it, but right now, I don't own 'em.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: It's funny; you guys are in two camps, the UST and the RST. I can't give you both, but, well, these two do toe that line so well, so I hope you like this, and that it satisfies everyone to some extent.**

**I know where I'm taking them, and I hope you'll continue to stick with me for the ride. Your reviews, and messages, and comments and everything have been wonderful, and you're making my summer worthwhile.**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 13:<strong>

Criminals came out in the heat. They crept down alleys and up fire escapes. They swam out of the steaming river. They hid in closets in air-conditioned apartments. They preyed on the weak and woozy. They found lost children, running free in the park. They molested teenagers out too late without a school year curfew. They attacked. They stabbed. They shot. They killed.

And for the Homicide division at the 12th Precinct of the NYPD, the killers were rampant. Kate found that she was busier than ever before. She stayed late nearly every night, and only went home on time when forced. She lost weight, with the heat and the activity, running through the city in uniform, sweating calories away. Circles formed under her eyes. But circles formed under all their eyes. Even Lanie looked tired.

The last time she'd seen Madison, she'd forced Kate to have three cups of coffee, a milkshake and a plate of fries. It hadn't done any good, but at least Kate had had something to do on her day off. Rick and Alexis were still in the Hamptons, and as 7pm rolled through on a Friday in the middle of July, Kate wished more than anything that she could be there with them.

Alexis called every few days, and Kate got a full update. She heard all about the beach, and the pool, and the little girl Alexis had made friends with from down the street. Martha had gone out to visit for the first week of July, and then Kate had gotten her input as well. It was nice, having something to look forward to during the day, but it didn't really replace actually _seeing_ them a few times a week. And it didn't help that every call ended with a heartfelt, "I miss you."

She'd hoped to get out there again before now, but it had been a straight month and a half of solid cases, back to back, and no one had time to relax. She'd skipped three of her days off. She hadn't told Rick that, but he'd known—something about quality of her voice when he called every night at 10pm. She didn't hear from Alexis every day, but Rick called, without fail, every night. Sometimes they just said a quick 'hi,' and others, they talked late into the night, or until Kate fell asleep. She'd fallen asleep an embarrassingly large number of times, but he was kind enough not to tease her about it, much.

Kate sighed and rolled her neck, glancing over at Esposito, who was on his fifth cup of coffee for the day. He met her eyes and blew out a noisy breath.

"You think we could get funding for cots in here? Would be more effective than going home just to get called back in the middle of the night."

"Why stop there?" Kate replied, slamming a file into her outbox. "Why not just build a whole apartment complex under the lockup? We could all be one big happy family." She looked back over and found him staring at her with something close to concern. "What?"

"Nothing," he shrugged. "This sucks."

She nodded emphatically. "This sucks."

"Well, it's about to suck less." They looked up and found Montgomery standing in front of their desks.

Both Kate and Esposito sat up straight and glanced at each other. "By sucks, we actually meant glorifies the job of a uniform lucky enough to be in a great department like Homicide," Esposito tried.

Kate rolled her eyes and just met The Captain's gaze. There was no use trying to hide the fact that they were miserable. Even Jacobs had been heard swearing and spitting in front of the murder board, and he was the most even keeled of the lot. Everyone was tired and worn out.

"You get a pass because this week has definitely sucked," Montgomery smiled, making Esposito sag back in his chair. "Which is why I'm having you all clear out."

"Sir?" Kate asked, astounded.

"Go home. Take the weekend off. See your families, parents, what-have-you. We've got a second team that's seen less than you lot, so let them take the heat for a few days."

"Are you sure?" Kate asked, while Esposito and Karpowski glared daggers at her. She narrowed her eyes at them briefly before looking back at Montgomery.

"Beckett, if you don't leave, I might make good on that suggestion and give you a spot in lockup so that you get some rest."

"We're very grateful," Esposito cut in. "Thank you, Sir."

"Yes, thank you, Sir," Kate added.

"You're welcome. Now go," he said kindly, before he turned and made his way back to his office.

Esposito grinned and high fived Karpowski. "Thank God it's Friday!" he said happily, clearing off his desk and scrubbing his hands over his face. "A real weekend."

"Got things to do, Beckett?" Karpowski asked, leaning over the back of her desk chair, curly hair falling in unkempt disarray.

"Maybe," Kate shrugged. "Might go see my Dad. He's been asking," she added as she tossed her last file into the box. "You?"

"Go see my parents. They've been hounding me for months," she sighed. "But it'll be good."

"Esposito?" Kate asked as she gave Karpowski a nod.

"Party!" he replied enthusiastically. "You two can go do the family thing, but I am outta here. Catch you Monday."

With that, he stood and raced out of the bullpen. Karpowski shook her head and gave Kate a wave as she went to talk to one of the other uniforms. Kate stretched and allowed a small smile to spread across her face. A free weekend. What a blessing. She gathered her things and stood, dialing her father as she walked out of the pen and into the waiting elevator. Everyone was smiling, or whooping, or slumping in desk chairs, relaxed, relieved and refreshed.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Dad," Kate replied with a smile. "How are you?"

"I'm great!" her father replied. Kate paused as she reached for the button for the ground floor.

"You are?" she asked suspiciously. He sounded really happy. But he never sounded like that.

"I am," he enthused. "Gonna go out on the boat with Alan tomorrow."

"Oh."

"Yeah. It'll be great. We'll catch more fish this time, right Al?"

She could hear someone laughing uproariously in the background. "Sounds like fun, Dad," she told him. It was just off. He was just…she couldn't figure out what it was, but he sounded so wrong, so unlike him. Not that she didn't want him to be happy… "You sound so chipper, Dad."

"I feel chipper, Katie," he replied. "When am I gonna see you?"

"Right now, if you want," she told him as she fished for her keys. "Captain gave us the weekend off."

"Sounds great!"

"Okay then," she replied slowly. "I'll be there in about ten?"

"Perfect. See you then." He clicked off. He sounded like he used to when…before…but that didn't make any sense at all. Their Anniversary had just passed, and he'd sounded horrible that day, so much so that she'd thought about cutting out, but he'd assured her that he was fine—doing better this year, even. And like an idiot, she'd let it go, too busy with the death of a city clerk to give it the proper attention.

She got into her car and pulled out of the garage, weaving anxiously through the mid-day, summer traffic. She didn't like this. Something felt wrong, off. And whenever something felt off about her father, it was bad. After the month she'd just had, Kate wasn't sure she could deal with anything bad. But worrying wouldn't help her, and expecting the worst was unfair, even if the voice at the back of her mind whispered that he hadn't proved yet that she should expect the best. Her father wasn't a criminal, innocent until proven guilty. Kate hated herself for it, but right now, he was guilty until proven innocent, and bail was high.

She pulled to a stop across from his building, where he'd moved after she went into the Academy—somewhere fresh, with no memories in the walls or paint or ceiling. She'd hated it at first, felt like the rug had just completely been pulled, because home no longer felt like home. But then she'd realized that she wanted to be in her childhood home as little as he did.

She walked inside the prim, modern building and climbed up the two flights to his floor. She took a deep breath as she opened the door and walked down the empty, modern hallway. The whole place always made her feel slightly sterile, like the apartments themselves were trying to forget—to wash things away with whites and beiges.

She steeled herself as she knocked on his door, hearing loud laughter floating out to her. After a moment, her father opened it with a lopsided grin and Kate's stomach plummeted.

"Katie!" he beamed, reaching for her and pulling her into a hug. He reeked of alcohol, and as they pulled apart, she could see Alan at the table, a cluster of beers open in front of him, with cards scattered all over.

"Dad," she said as he ushered her inside. "Dad, are you drunk?"

"No, no," he waved her off. He looked horrible. His cheeks were sallow and his eyes were sunken, and Alan, God damned Alan, was just sitting there. "I'm not drunk."

"But you're drinking," she said quietly. Her heart was breaking, shattering. No. He couldn't do this. He'd been doing so well. For _months_. Why now?

"Katie," he said, turning back to look at her, where she stood, stock still by the door, her hands clenched into fists. She could feel her jaw tightening to keep her emotions in check. "Katie, don't be mad."

"Don't be mad?" she scoffed. "You told me not two weeks ago that you were doing well, Dad. You promised me that you were okay. You told me not to come see you!"

"I'm fine," he said quickly. "I'm okay, aren't I, Alan?"

But Alan wouldn't meet her eyes. "You're not fine, Dad," Kate hissed. "You promised me that you would do it this time." He met her gaze and Kate fought to keep the tears at bay. She wanted to throw something. It was unfair. He was supposed to make it. He was supposed to get better.

"I tried, Katie," he said softly.

"No, Dad. _I_ tried. I tried to believe you, and damnit, I did! I thought you were getting better and that I was going to get my Dad back, but I was wrong."

"I'm still…"

"No, you're not! I know you're hurting Dad. Hell, I hurt too. But I'm not throwing my life away!" She wanted to be rational and quiet and calm, but she just couldn't. It hurt too much.

"I'm not…"

"But you _are_. And you're just sitting there, letting him!" she turned on Alan. "How can you sit there and watch him do this?"

"Katherine…"

"No!" she glared at the portly man at her father's card table. "You don't get to call me that, like I'm some child, when you're the one letting my father slip back down that hole."

Alan fell silent and Kate turned back to her father. "I'm still your Dad, Katie."

"You're my father, but I want my Dad back," she replied honestly, feeling a single tear slip down her cheek. "When he's here, you tell him to call me. Until then, don't bother. I can't watch you do this again."

"Kate," he said plaintively, but she wouldn't do it.

She couldn't listen to him promise to get better again. She'd started hoping that he'd make it, that he'd come back. She had _believed_ him, just like every other time, and each time he fell off, she broke just a little bit more. And it was too much. It was all too much.

But he was still her father, and she didn't have the resolve to look him in the eye and cut him out, no matter how much she wanted to. "Call me in a month, Dad, and we'll talk."

He nodded, his sunken face falling. "I'm sorry, Katie."

"Me too," she told him, before she turned and walked out the door, closing it softly behind her.

She managed to keep walking, blinking back the angry tears that blurred her vision. She made it to the stairwell and wrenched the door open, letting it slam behind her as she collapsed against the wall, her arms wrapped around her middle. She sobbed silently. She couldn't believe she'd fallen for it again. _Again_.

Anger turned to sadness turned to self pity turned to self-doubt—her emotions spun dizzily until she straightened up, taking in great gulps of air. She let her feet guide her down the stairs while she tried to block out that picture of her father and replace it with one from only a month earlier, when he'd been healthy and normal. She wiped at her face and sped through the lobby, ignoring the looks she received.

She crossed the street and got into her car, letting out a shuddering breath. She couldn't deal. She couldn't do this again. She couldn't let her father make her crumble again. It wasn't fair. She was only 23, and he was _her_ parent, not the other way around. She pulled off from the curb and began driving. She reached for the ring under her shirt and slipped her pinky through it, wondering if her mother was watching them. Would she be proud of Kate for walking away? Would she be furious at her for walking away?

Was she wrong for walking out? Should she have stayed and cleaned him up like she'd done so many times before? But if she picked him up every time, then wasn't she just as bad as Alan, sitting there and watching him drink himself into oblivion? She shook her head and pulled onto the highway, letting her eyes and reflexes focus on the traffic around her, while her mind wondered what she was supposed to do.

She couldn't keep watching him break. It was breaking her, and she'd spent too much time worrying about him. And she had enough on her own—had enough problems to fix. She was still broken, if the dried tears on her cheeks and sleepless nights were any indication. But she'd wanted to fix them both. And so she'd believed him, let hope well where there should have been skepticism. This was her reward.

Cars honked around her and she moved through the bumper-to-bumper traffic, hardly paying any attention to it. All she could see were her mother and father waltzing around the kitchen, smiling and laughing. And then her father was picking her up and teaching her steps while her mother laughed from the counter as Kate stood on Jim's toes. She missed them. She missed her parents.

Her father was gone again, and it hurt. She'd lost her mother forever. Now she had to lose her father all over again. Her mind felt like a broken record, repeating, 'it's unfair,' over and over, like a child who couldn't get her favorite toy in the shop. But this was no toyshop; it was her life, and they were her parents, and it was unfair.

She didn't even notice the traffic thinning until it was dark out and she was winding down a long road, far from the city. She passed through a small town and then made a left onto a long drive way. She pulled up to the circle and stared at the beach house of Richard Castle. How on Earth had she gotten here and never realized it? Kate blinked and rubbed at one of her eyes. She was lucky she hadn't crashed. How had she driven all the way here without noticing?

Her cell rang. Kate looked over at it in confusion. How much time had passed since she'd left her Dad's? She reached down and picked it up, bringing it to her ear.

"Beckett," she said perfunctorily.

"Hey, Kate," Rick replied, a smile in his voice.

"Oh. Oh, Rick, hi," Kate stammered. She glanced up at the house and saw the light on in his room. It was 10pm. Good God, she was sitting outside of his house when he thought she was nearly 100 miles away in her own bed.

"Kate? You okay?" he asked.

"I'm…" she turned off the car and leaned back in her seat. "I don't know," she replied honestly. She couldn't describe how she was. At the moment, she was too confused by the fact that she'd driven to the Hamptons without realizing it to really know how she was doing otherwise.

"What's wrong? You sound funny. Are you home?"

Kate blinked. "I'm, um, I'm here, actually."

"Here? Where's here? There's no video function on this phone," he chuckled.

"Here," she took a breath. It wasn't like she was going to drive back to the city now. "Here as in, in front of your house in my car, here."

"What?" he breathed. "You're here?"

"Yeah," she said softly.

"Oh, um, hang on, okay. I'll…I'll be right down."

Kate nodded and they clicked off. She unbuckled her seat belt with shaking fingers and shoved her phone into her pocket. She got out of the car and began walking toward the house, unable to process it all. How she'd gotten here, how her father had started drinking again, how she'd walked out, how she'd been solving murders that morning—it was too much to make sense of.

The door opened and cast a beam of bright light onto the porch as Rick stepped out. He hurried down the steps, his bare feet prancing carefully over the gravel of the driveway as he reached her.

"Hey," she said quietly.

"Hey," he replied, looking her over, standing a few inches from her, his hands twisting at his sides, like he was trying not to reach for her. "What brings you out this way?"

"I…I have no idea," she replied, meeting his gaze. "I started driving and, uh, here I am?"

He blinked and then seemed to lose the battle, reaching out a hand to cup her cheek. "Kate?"

"My…" she took a deep breath and felt her head go heavy in his palm. "My Dad…"

"Is he okay?" he asked quickly, bringing the other hand up to cradle her face in his hands, urging her to meet his eyes.

"He's not dead," she replied. "But he…I went over, to, um, see him, you know?" It was hard to think and turn the scattered thoughts in her head into words. "And I got there and Alan, his friend, um…they were playing cards and drinking and I…"

"Oh, Kate," Rick whispered as a new tear slid down her face. "What happened?"

"I left," she shrugged, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. Looking at him was too dangerous; she could so easily just let go and collapse against him. But she hadn't come here to do that, had she?

"And you came here?"

She nodded into his hands and met his gaze. "I didn't really know I was…I just, I got here, and you called."

His eyes widened. "Okay." He watched her for another moment and then his hands fell away from her face. "Okay, let's get you inside. Have you eaten?" He wrapped an arm around her and guided her up the steps and into the foyer.

"No," she replied. When was the last time she'd eaten? Two, maybe three, right? Esposito had given her half of his muffin.

"Okay. Alexis is at a sleepover with Jasmine…"

"The friend down the street."

"Right," he squeezed her shoulders as he steered her into the kitchen. "So I just had a sandwich, but I can make you anything you want."

He pulled out one of the barstools and she climbed up. "I didn't come here to make you cook for me," she told him with a very weary smile. "I'm not really hungry."

He stood in front of her, looking at her in the bright light of the overhead lamp that hung over the island. He reached out and smoothed a hand through her hair, mussed by frequent passes through it with angry, twitching fingers. He was wearing a pair of deep, navy sweats and a gray tee shirt and she was surprised by how much she just wanted to curl up next to him and sleep until this whole waking nightmare was over.

"You must want something. I'm sure you didn't eat all day. Did you guys close the case?" he asked, his voice deep and soft against the stillness of the room.

"We closed all three cases and Montgomery sent us home for the weekend," she replied. Had that really been just a few hours ago? "So I went to see my Dad, and now I'm here."

He smiled. "I'm glad you're here. I've missed you."

She nodded and then he took a step closer, wrapping her into a hug so that her head rested against his ribs and her hands fisted into the back of his shirt. "I missed you too," she admitted against his stomach.

"You've lost weight," he observed, his hands running smooth circles over her back. "And you look exhausted."

"Oh, you're too kind," she mumbled.

He laughed, jostling her head before he pulled back to rest his hands on her shoulders. "Not insults, just facts. You're still gorgeous, just tired gorgeous."

She met his eyes and shook her head. He was ridiculous. But she was smiling, and that was probably the point.

"Let me make you something to eat."

Kate sighed. "Um, toast? I could do that."

He narrowed his eyes but gave her a nod and moved around the kitchen, grabbing a few pieces of peasant bread and tossing them into the toaster. She watched and slumped against the counter, suddenly as exhausted as he said she looked. He was doing something though, gathering far more ingredients than toast required. But he stood with his back to her, and when the toast popped, he grabbed it from the corner and put it on the plate he blocked with his body.

She decided not to worry and contented herself with tying her hair back and taking off her jacket, moving slowly as her tired muscles made their presence known. She stared thoughtlessly out of the dark window over the sink, working to ignore the worries about her father and questions about how she'd gotten here, and why this was the place she now went when things got bad.

She looked down as he set the plate down in front of her. "By toast, I assumed you meant a mozzarella and tomato Panini-style sandwich."

She looked down at her meal and smiled, glancing back up to meet his twinkling eyes. "Yes, that's _exactly_ what I meant by toast."

"Perfect. See, we're totally on the same page."

She shook her head. "Thanks," she said quietly as she picked up the sandwich. It smelled amazing, and her stomach rumbled in anticipation. She took a bite and let out a small moan. It tasted fantastic, and she was starving.

"It's good, then?" he asked with a little cough.

"Very," Kate said around another bite.

Rick just leaned against the opposite side of the counter and watched her eat her dinner. It would have been creepy, but he did it all the time when they were together. And no amount of time spent apart had made her forget that.

"Been keeping busy with Alexis out of the house?" she asked as she took a break to have a sip of the juice he'd poured her.

"Writing," he replied. "If that counts as busy. I haven't been nearly as busy as you. Three cases?"

Kate nodded and finished off the last bite of sandwich. "That was delicious. And yes, three cases this week. We had four floating around last week."

"Do they just like the heat?" he asked as he took her plate, ignoring her protests. He dumped it in the sink and then walked around the island to stand in front of her. "You'd think criminals would wait for good weather."

"That would mean that they're all rational, and they so rarely are," she replied. He extended his hands to her and she took them, letting him slide her from the stool. "Where are we going?"

He walked backward toward the stairs and she followed easily, her hands warm in his larger ones. "Do you want a bath, or a change of clothes? You're still in your uniform."

She was, wasn't she? "My gun," she said belatedly.

"I've got a safe in my room," he told her. "And I've got sweats and a shirt you can wear, though they'll be big on you," he added as he turned and dropped one of her hands so they could walk upstairs together.

"Sounds good," she replied, letting him guide her down the hall and into his room, passing the guest room she'd stayed in before.

The room was large, with a huge, king-sized bed against the wall with the door, covered with a light blue comforter. There was another bookshelf along the right side, with a white couch next to it, like the one in the guest room. The ensuite was to the left and Kate caught a glimpse of a huge, sunken tub through the door. Like her room, this one had enormous, full wall windows that looked out on the ocean.

"Like it?"

"Puts a normal bedroom to shame, that's for sure," she replied, glancing over at him. "Your bed is huge."

"I like my space," he shrugged, dropping her hand to walk over to the dresser against the left wall. "Lay down. It's like a cloud."

Kate narrowed her eyes and bit her lip. There was just something about lying down on Rick's bed that screamed 'bad idea,' but it looked so comfortable. She inched over and then threw caution to the wind, flopping down backward with an 'oof.' It did feel like a cloud—a feathered, peaceful, puffy, snugly cloud. She grunted as clothes hit her face and Rick flopped down beside her.

"Thanks," she mumbled as she pulled the sweats and tee off her face.

"Anytime. You can change in the bathroom. Let me know if you're going to be seduced by my tub."

"Very confident of the alluring powers of your bathroom ceramic, are you?" she asked as she stood and walked across the plush carpet and flipped the lights on in the bathroom. "Oh."

The tub was enormous. It took up an entire corner of the large, tan bathroom, and probably had a jacuzzi feature, if it didn't turn into a lap pool. A dual-shower head, walk-in shower, occupied the other corner, and there were two sinks sunk into the counter top in front of a veritable wall of mirrors.

"Told you," he called.

Kate bit her lip and stared at the tub. It was enticing, and she felt grimy all over, covered by a day of crime, sidewalk and the residue of her visit to her father. Rick _had_ offered. There was nothing wrong with taking him up on it, right?

"You're totally going to end up taking a bath, aren't you?" he asked, making her wheel around.

He was leaning against the doorway, grinning at her.

"I…" she stammered.

"It's fine. I've got bubbles and everything," he said, walking around her and opening one of the cabinets over the sink. He pulled down a bottle and then walked over to the tub and turned it on.

"You don't have to run it for me," she laughed, watching as he waited for the water to heat up before flipping the drain closed.

She placed the clothes he'd picked out for her on the edge of the counter and then unholstered her gun. He poured a liberal amount of soap into the running water, and the tub began to fill up with foam and bubbles. Then he turned.

"Don't shoot! I just thought you'd like them," he said, his eyes wide, but his grin even wider.

"You said you had a safe in the bedroom?" she asked, ignoring his antics as she held the gun out to him, her hand firmly on the barrel and the safety checked.

"Yeah," he took it and walked toward her again, blocking her way to the tub. "Though, I can always come back if you need help getting out of that belt."

Kate met his eyes as they stood chest to chest. "I don't know, Rick. Could you handle that? Me, all slippery and wet in the bath?"

He swallowed and his lips parted as he let out a warm breath. "I think I'm game for more than you think, Miss Beckett." He leaned down so that their faces were mere inches apart, and she could feel his breath against her lips. Her heart hammered against her chest as she met his eyes, watching as his flicked down to her lips and back. "But, let me _handle_ your gun into the safe, and then you can decide whether or not you want company in here."

He stood up straight and waltzed out of the bathroom while Kate stood there, dazed. "You are not going to watch me take a bath, Richard Castle," she called once she'd found her voice. Damn him and his mesmerizing eyes.

"If you want a glass of wine while you're in there, you'll have to let me come in," he called back.

Kate grumbled and closed the door, hearing him laugh on the other side. She looked back at the bath, which was now almost full, and sighed. She _did_ want that glass of wine. But, she'd cross that bridge if he actually came knocking. Right now, all she could focus on was the inviting, warm, bubbly water.

She stripped out of her clothes and hung them on the unused hook on the back of the door, next to Rick's robe. Then she padded across the floor and turned off the tap to the bathtub. She stepped in gingerly and let out a contented sigh as she settled down into the water, leaning back against the padded edge of the tub, her body covered by a plethora of bubbles.

She felt her tension and aches slipping away as she luxuriated in the bath. Her thoughts swirled, and she found that even more than her father, they came back to Rick, over and over. He was important to her. She knew that. She acknowledged it. But to drive two and a half hours, through traffic, without knowing it, so that she could be here, flirting with him and being taken care of, was alarming. She'd never let Will force her to eat, or con her into taking a bath. She'd never trusted Will enough for that, and Will had seen her naked.

What was it about Rick that made her that comfortable? What was it about him that made her want to tell him things—that kept her on the phone with him at night until she literally fell asleep?

There was a knock on the door and then Rick's head popped through, his eyes closed tightly. "Wine?" he asked, holding out a glass for her to see.

"That would be great, thanks," she replied, watching as he attempted to stumble through the room with his hand over his eyes.

She glanced down at her body and smiled, realizing that the bubbles would make it impossible for him to see anything. "You can open your eyes, before you fall and break your face, Rick," she laughed.

He popped an eye open and then smiled down at her as he reached the tub. "You look good in bubbles, Kate," he grinned.

"Thanks," she replied, reaching out a hand for the wine, which he gave to her. Then he sat down so that he rested against the side of the tub, facing the room.

"It's a nice bath, right?" he asked as she took a sip of wine.

"It is," she sighed, sinking back even further. She swirled the wine around in her glass and then felt a pang in her gut. Her father was an alcoholic, who may never recover. Suddenly she didn't want the wine so much anymore, and she placed it down onto the tile.

"Everything okay?" he asked, turning his head to glance over at her.

"Yeah, just…not in the mood for wine, turns out," she shrugged. She didn't want to tell him about that irrational fear. It was stupid. She wasn't her father, and she wouldn't become an alcoholic, especially not off of one glass of wine—the first in at least three weeks.

Rick considered her. "Okay," he said after a minute.

She gave him a small smile. Apparently, he did know exactly what she was thinking. She could see the understanding in his eyes and she reached out to run a hand through his hair, trailing a little bit of water through his silky locks. She snorted quietly. She had not just thought of Richard Castle's hair as 'silky locks.'

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," she replied quickly.

"Hmm," was his only reply. He leaned his head into her hand and she kept up her steady movements through his hair, smiling when he relaxed against the edge of the tub, his head falling back to rest along the rim. "Are you here for the weekend?" he asked.

Kate's hand stilled on his head. "I don't know," she replied slowly. She hadn't planned to come here at all, though, she probably would have come up for a day anyway. "I didn't…" She had _nothing_. She hadn't even brought regular clothes with her. "I don't have anything with me," she said quietly.

He laughed lazily. "That's your problem? You don't have clothes?"

She tapped his head. "I don't have _anything_. I'm so sorry. I didn't even know I was driving here until I got here, and I just…" she let out a frustrated sigh, now retroactively mad at herself for more than her reckless driving.

"Hey," he reached up and grabbed her hand, twining their fingers together on the edge of the bath. "You can wear the sweats tonight, and if you're staying for the weekend, you can just keep wearing my stuff. My button downs make good beach clothes, and you know, you left your bikini here the last time."

"It's here?" Man, she'd been looking for that for forever.

He laughed again and squeezed her hand. "Yeah. So, you know, don't worry about that."

"Will Alexis mind?"

"Mind?" Rick scoffed, turning so that he faced her. "Do you know how often she asks if you can come visit? More than once, daily. _Daily_. She'll be thrilled."

Kate smiled and bobbed her head. Alexis asked her if she could come visit every time they talked, too. She supposed that this was a silver lining to her father drinking again. She sucked in a breath. Oh, God, he was _drinking_ again.

"Hey," Rick murmured. "You okay?"

"My Dad's drinking again," she replied on a whisper. "So…no, I guess not?"

He gave her a very sad smile and rose to his knees so that he could lean over the edge of the tub and press a kiss to the crown of her head. Kate sighed and leaned into him as he hovered there, his cheek against her forehead. "Why don't you get out and then we'll talk? You being all naked and in the water makes it hard to hug you, you know?"

Kate laughed, just as he wanted her to, and he gave her hand another squeeze before he stood and left the room, closing the door softly behind him. Kate stood slowly and unplugged the drain, feeling the water rush against her feet as she stepped out and danced across the cool tiles to step into the shower. She ran the water for a minute, waiting for it to get warm, and then quickly washed the soap from her skin, keeping her hair out of the stream.

She toweled off, gazing at her tired reflection in the huge, lighted mirror. Her eyes were bloodshot and surrounded by deep circles. Her cheekbones were more prominent than they'd been a month ago, and she could see the faint outlines of her ribs as she dried her back. She was trying to keep weight on, honestly, but it was hard with all of the work and the lack of dinners with the Castles.

She shook her head as she slipped into Rick's oversized clothes. She was in deep trouble if she was willing to admit that Rick and Alexis were the real reason that she'd been keeping a steady weight. She sighed and redid her hair, throwing it into a quick braid. She looked at her reflection now, clad in Rick's tee shirt and sweats, and had to stop a grin from spreading over her face. The clothes were huge, and she swam in them, but they were extremely comfortable and they smelled like him—that mix of his aftershave, deodorant, and _him_.

She opened the door and switched off the lights, walking into the dimmer bedroom, blinking. He was lying on his bed, eyes gazing out at the beach, which she could now see through the windows. The only light came from his bedside lamp and she walked around to the far side of the bed, watching his eyes follow her.

"Hey," she said quietly.

"Hey," he replied, his eyes raking up and down her body in a way that simultaneously had her blushing and preening. "You look good in my clothes."

She gave a little shrug. "They're comfy."

"Come here," he said softly, reaching out a hand for her.

She eyed him skeptically for a moment. "Seriously?"

"I'm not going to ravish you, unless you tell me to," he grinned, wiggling his fingers at her. "But come here. You're exhausted, and I'm told I'm a hell of a pillow."

Kate resisted for perhaps a second, before she found herself sliding onto the bed and scooting over toward him until they lay there side by side, propped up on their elbows, looking at each other. He raised the hand he'd held out to her and ran it gently up and down her side, his fingers warm against the cotton of her shirt.

"Are you okay?"

"I really don't know," she replied, rolling onto her back and turning her head so that she looked up at him. His hand fell to her stomach and she covered it with one of her own. "I…I let myself believe, you know? I thought that maybe this time, he'd really do it."

"He was doing really well, from what you told me," Rick agreed.

Kate nodded sadly. "He was. And so, you know, stupidly, I put faith in something that I had no business putting my faith in."

"Hey," Rick whispered, squeezing her fingers. "You weren't stupid."

"I'd done it before," she replied. She had. And it had been stupid. "Four times, he's said he would make it, and now, four times later, he hasn't. I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I should have just stayed detached. Then it wouldn't hurt so much, you know? Then he'd just be my…my drunk father, not my drunk_ Dad_."

She felt her eyes welling up again and she blinked hard, unwilling to cry about it. She'd made a mistake, and reached out, and now she was paying for it. His hand fell away from hers and then it was on her cheeks, wiping away the traitorous tears that had fallen without her consent. His thumb was gentle and he cradled the side of her face in his palm when he'd finished drying her tears.

"You were not stupid," he said quietly. "You wanted to believe in your Dad, and you did. And you were probably the biggest reason that he managed for so long."

Kate shook her head. "You can't know that," she whispered. She wished it were true, but then where was that all the other times? Why had he only ever lasted seven months?

"No, I guess I can't," he replied, scooting closer so that he could meld his body against her side. "But I know you, and I know that I'd want to do whatever it took so see you smiling. And he's your father, so I'm betting he feels the same."

Kate met his gaze and found him staring back at her with such confidence and…and another emotion that was too overwhelming to think about after the day she'd had. "Thanks."

"He'll make it, Kate," Rick continued, turning her back to face him as she tried to focus on his chest. "And someday, you'll have your Dad back. This isn't forever."

Kate shrugged. "Maybe."

"I'm sure of it," he told her seriously.

"Good for you," she whispered, feeling broken. Why couldn't she be so sure of it? Why couldn't she find it in herself to believe in her father, like she used to when she was little, and he told her he'd be at her concert? He'd always shown up then. But now…now he'd broken so many promises and she…the cool metal of her necklace slid against her skin as she shifted and new tears sprang to her eyes. "God, I miss my mom," she whispered, the words falling from her lips without a second thought.

"Oh, Kate," he murmured, reaching out to pull her into his chest, wrapping his arms around her as he rolled onto his back and she cuddled into his side. "I'm sorry."

She just nodded, wrapping one of her hands into the fabric of his chest, right above his heart. "I just wish…"

"I know," he rubbed her back.

"And it's stupid, you know, wishing. She won't come back, no matter how much I wish she would. And someday, she'll kick my Dad's ass if they both end up in heaven, if there is a heaven, or whatever."

"I see, like me, you missed that class in Sunday school," he chuckled.

Kate smiled slowly against his shoulder. "Yeah," she mumbled. "But I do like to think that someday I get to…that I'll get to see her again, somehow, even if it's not like that."

"I think you will," he replied.

"You're just saying that because you want to get me to stop crying."

"You're too sharp for me, Officer Beckett."

She just shook her head against him and sighed as he pulled her closer. She toyed with the fabric of his shirt with her free hand and listened to the sound of his steady breathing. She wished her mother were around so she could ask her about Rick. Here she was, snuggled in his bed and cuddled into his side, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world. And yeah, she wanted to kiss him—had since long before they'd actually met—but it never felt like the right time, and she wasn't sure that she was ready.

But how long could they do this dance? In the month they'd been apart, they'd only gotten closer. So much so, that now, as they lay together in his big, comfortable bed, Kate didn't feel the least bit out of place.

Then she realized the only current problem with this arrangement. "When does Alexis get home?" she asked, breaking the still silence that had fallen over the room.

"Tomorrow afternoon," Rick replied softly. "She'll be so excited to see you."

"How's she doing?"

It was Rick's turn to sigh. "She's doing better. She was great with my mother, so that's something."

Kate rubbed her hand against his chest. "Does she still miss Meredith?"

"I can't tell," Rick replied slowly. "Sometimes she gets quiet and withdrawn, but then I drag her out to the beach, or you call, and she perks back up."

_Or you call_. "She always sounds pretty happy on the phone."

"Well yeah," he said, as if it were obvious. "You're on the other end of the phone. She loves you."

Kate smiled. "It's mutual."

"I just worry about our trip out there in August. I can never tell what we're walking into, and I don't want her to go backward again, you know?"

"I do," Kate murmured. "How long will you be gone?"

"Why? Gonna miss me?" he asked. She didn't even need to be looking at him to know that he was grinning.

"Yes," she replied, laughing as he stiffened against her. Ha! Fight flirt with truth and she could still come out on top. "But that's not why I asked."

"I'll call you at ten, like always," he replied.

Kate grinned and blushed into his shoulder. "Good to know. But I wanted to know for _Alexis_, actually, conceited."

"I am not conceited," he grumbled. "And we'll only be there a week. I have more publicity to do for the next book, and Meredith won't be able to come this way until Alexis' Birthday."

"That should be fun," Kate replied. She bit her lip. That wasn't something she meant to say out loud.

"Oh, yes. She'll _love_ you," he laughed. "The woman who's stolen her daughter's heart? Yeah, you guys should get along great."

"Rick," Kate admonished, swiping lazily at his chest. "Shut up."

He gave her a squeeze. "What? I wish I could say that she'll like you, because you're awesome, but you've taken away the home-field advantage."

"You make it sound like I'm trying to usurp her," Kate said quietly. It was half playful, half serious, but very true.

"You're not. And I know that, which is what matters," he replied easily. "And I'll protect you from Meredith."

Kate raised her head so that she could meet his eyes. "Who says I need protecting?"

"Or I'll protect Meredith from you, so that Alexis still has a mother, and you don't have to go to jail, which would not only be tragic, but highly ironic."

Kate laughed, her glare failing her. Rick cracked a smile and then they were falling over each other, laughing uproariously and clutching at each other. It wasn't actually that funny, especially because were Kate to kill Alexis' mother, she'd put Alexis in her own situation. But there was just something about it that made them scream with laughter.

When they finally calmed, Rick ended up on his side and Kate lay with her back to him, having rolled away to clutch at her stomach. She felt his arm wrap around her waist and he pulled her back to settle against his chest. His face came to rest on her shoulder and she turned her head to plant a kiss against his cheek just as he did the same. His lips hit the corner of her mouth and they froze, their eyes locked. Neither moved to pull away for a long moment, and Kate felt like her pulse was trying to skyrocket out of her chest.

His lips were warm and soft, and when he pulled away, he grinned at her, those lips curving into a delightful smile.

"You gonna sleep in here with me?" he asked, cocking an eyebrow at her.

She smiled. Things wouldn't change. The world hadn't ended. Their relationship hadn't drastically altered. And so she said the first thing that came to mind; "Why? You gonna ravish me if I do?" No, their relationship hadn't changed, but apparently her brain had run away.

His grin turned wolfish and he leaned down to press a single, open-mouthed kiss against her neck that made her tremble slightly. "Nope. But, you're welcome to stay," he replied as he leaned back.

Kate just glared at him. "You're a tease, and a flirt, and incorrigible, Mr. Castle."

He settled down behind her, flipped the light off, and pulled her close, tugging up the blankets they'd kicked down as they laughed. "You wouldn't want me any other way, Katherine," he murmured as he covered them and settled down behind her.

She hummed in agreement and relaxed against him, exhaustion taking her over. She could worry about their almost-kiss, and her father, and Alexis, and everything in the morning. Because right now, she was too comfortable, and Rick was too warm and solid behind her, for her to think about anything else.

"I'm glad you drove all the way out here without realizing it," he said a few minutes later.

"We're lucky I didn't crash," she replied sleepily.

"Next time, just call me. I'll have one of the town cars bring you out."

Kate shook her head. "I like driving. And, if I let you start ferrying me around, I'll start feeling like a kept woman."

"You don't want to be kept?" he asked, his voice warm and rich against her ear.

Kate took a deep breath and let it out, feeling his hand rubbing against her stomach. She had two options; she could brush him off, or give a real answer. He squeezed her closer and she sighed. "Kept and _kept_ are different."

"Oh, well, I'm keeping you," he murmured. "So, it's good to know that you don't want a chauffeur all the time."

"You're keeping me?" she asked before she could stop herself.

He laughed against the back of her neck. "Of course," he said easily, his hand pressing gently into her stomach as his breath tickled her ear. "I'm surprised you have to ask."


	14. Chapter 14

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I'd love to write for _Castle_; that would be amazing.  
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**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 14:<strong>

She lasted a full three days before she caved and dialed his number.

"Hello?" her father's subdued voice answered.

"Hi, Dad," Kate said quietly, sinking into her couch, her legs pulled up to her chest.

"Katie?"

"Yeah, it's me," she replied, hating herself for the surprise in his voice. Hating herself for not having the guts to wait him out. Hating herself for being petulant, and young, and confused about what to do.

"I didn't think you'd call," he said quietly. "I didn't think you'd want to…"

"I'm sorry, Dad," she said softly.

"Sorry? Sorry for what? I'm the one who invited you over like that."

Kate shook her head and leaned back, trying to figure out how to explain. "I shouldn't have yelled and stormed out. It was…it was childish."

"No, Kate. It was fair," her father replied, sounding startlingly like he had the night she'd come home drunk for the first time. "I screwed up, again, and I don't blame you for being angry."

"But…"

"I'm really going to try this time, Katie. I promise you that."

She bit her lip. How many promises had he made, and broken? How many times had he said the same? And how many times had she felt her heart swell just like this, tempted, so tempted to believe him. "I know, Dad."

"No. I mean it. I truly mean it. I gave Alan hell yesterday for letting me."

"You what?" Kate asked, sitting up straight. Her father hadn't ever said _that_ before.

"Drinking with me, letting me allow you to come over while I was drunk…all of it."

"Dad…"

"No, he was good about it. Apologized, and I apologized…it was good, Katie."

"Dad, I didn't mean to…"

"It wasn't your fault, Katie. And you're right. You've got your life together. Hell, you're more together than I was at 23, and I hadn't had a drunk for a father and…well, you know."

"Dad," she breathed. This…it was almost worse than hearing him drunk. She didn't want him to hate himself, or feel guilty for her tantrum.

"Katherine," he said, his voice sharp and gentle at once. "You had every right to yell at me, and to leave. If you've been sitting around, beating yourself up for it, then shame on you."

"Dad!" she protested, a surprised laugh falling from her lips.

She heard him chuckle on the other end of the phone. "I'm going to do this, Kate. And I'd like to keep you in my life while I do."

"I'm sorry I left, Daddy," she whispered. "I should have stayed and helped you…"

"Kate," God, the changes in his tone would give her whiplash. "You're my daughter. And you're calling me now. What's done is done. I went to my sponsor the day after you left, and I've got a plan. I'm going to a therapist tomorrow."

"Really?" It slipped out unbidden. He'd refused for years to see someone, saying he didn't want to tell a stranger his problems, when Kate really knew that he just didn't think he could face the pain of talking through it. Hell, she'd put up a fight when Madison had asked her to go.

"Really," he said quietly. "I needed that wake-up, Kate."

"Dad, I…"

"So, maybe in a few weeks, we could get together? Go out to lunch or dinner, or something? I know you usually spend your days off with Rick…"

"Dad," Kate cut him off, surprised to find herself slightly choked up. "I'd be happy to go to dinner with you."

She heard him sigh in relief. "Good, that's good."

They fell silent for a minute. Kate couldn't quite wrap her head around it. She'd yelled, and stormed out, and told him to call her in a month, and now he was in therapy and making plans with his AA sponsor? And he wanted to have dinner? He never asked; she was always the one coaxing him out. It just felt sudden and surprising and confusing. But, oh, how she wanted this time to last.

"Speaking of, I have a meeting to get to. But, Katie?"

"Yeah, Dad?"

"I love you, and I promise you that I can do this."

"I know you can, Dad," she whispered. She didn't know whether or not she truly believed it, but she knew that she desperately wanted to.

"I'll call you later in the week? Sunday, like normal?"

"Sounds good, Dad."

"Good," she could hear the smile, the genuine, honest smile in his voice. "I'll talk to you then."

"Love you, Dad," she murmured.

"Love you too, Katie. Bye."

"Bye."

Kate sat there, staring at her living room, unsure of what to do with herself. She'd called to apologize, after agonizing over how she'd left things for days. Rick had assured her that her father wouldn't blame her—that she was allowed to get angry and knock sense into him, and that when she did call, he'd 'forgive' her. And, to Rick's credit, he and Alexis had done a wonderful job of distracting her through the weekend, forcing her to go into town with them and shop, swimming on the beach, and spending Saturday night in a fort on their living room floor.

But she'd returned more confused and conflicted than ever, and the day had been a blur of paperwork and evidence collecting, all while she tried and failed to focus. And now, she sat on her couch on Monday night, her fingers tensed into a pillow and her phone forgotten next to her, feeling more at sea than ever.

Alexis had been extremely excited to see her when she'd come back to the house on Saturday afternoon, screaming in delight and refusing to let go of her hand for most of the day. And she and Rick…

_Kate woke Saturday morning to the feeling of someone playing with her hair. She blearily opened an eye and found herself face to face with Richard Castle, his blue eyes sparkling as he trailed his fingers through her hair. During the night, she'd rolled over, and now they lay face to face on the big bed, one of her hands fisted into his shirt, and her feet tangled with his._

_ "Morning," he murmured._

_ "Hi," she replied, unsure of what to do with herself, or the knowledge that he'd obviously been watching her sleep. "How long have you been sleep-stalking me?" she asked, her voice heavy and groggy._

_ He laughed. "Long enough to be creepy, but not long enough to be inappropriate."_

_The whole situation was inappropriate, wasn't it? "Sorry I fell asleep in here."_

_ He blinked. "I'm not. You're a good cuddler."_

_ "Rick," she sighed, sitting up and untangling herself from him. Now, in the light of day, it all seemed much more important, and far less comfortable. She'd had a bubble bath and let him sit in the room. And he'd proclaimed that he was keeping her as they fell asleep in his bed. This was serious, and confusing, and her father was drinking again…_

_ "Hey," he sat up as well and settled so that he faced her, sitting cross-legged in the middle of the bed. "Don't over analyze it."_

_ "Don't over analyze it?" she scoffed. "What do you propose I do?"_

_ He frowned. "Just go with it."_

_ "Rick," she repeated, running a hand through the hair that had fallen out of her braid. "We can't just decide to sleep in the same bed. What about Alexis? What if she'd been home and come in here?"_

_ "She's not, and she didn't, and we would just say that you fell asleep here," he shrugged, reaching out to place a hand on her knee. "Don't freak about this, Kate. You've got enough going on."_

_ "You can't believe that Alexis would let that go," Kate replied, looking down at his hand. Last night, it had seemed so organic and right to just curl up with him. But now…now it seemed like some sort of line that they shouldn't cross, or they should, or… "We can't do that to her."_

_ Rick squeezed her leg. "We're not doing anything to her. Are you still planning on staying for the weekend?"_

_ "I…yeah?" she replied, confused._

_ "Then it's fine," he smiled. "She'll love seeing you, and you can sleep in the guest room tonight, or we can all bunk in the living room or something."_

_ She felt a pang. Oh, no. She was not disappointed that they couldn't sleep in the same bed again. That was all kinds of wrong. "Okay," she sighed._

_ "I'm not asking you to move in with us and become her new mom, Kate," he added._

_ Kate sucked in a breath and met his gaze. "I didn't say you were," she replied far more steadily than she felt. Her heart was beating too quickly and she felt twitchy and unsure of herself. _

_ "How badly are you freaking out right now?"_

_ "I'm not," she denied. _

_ "Bull," he laughed. "You slept really well. You look better. And now you're freaking out because this feels so overwhelmingly right."_

_ "Rick," she protested. She wasn't ready for this. She wasn't ready to have this conversation. Not after yesterday. Not while her father was falling back into oblivion. Not when she had no idea how far she'd already fallen with this man. _

_ "Look," he sighed and closed his eyes for a second, before opening them to meet hers. "I've never had a friend like you." _

_So not what she was expecting. "What?"_

_ "I've never had someone I wanted to talk to all the time, or missed when I was out here. And I've never had a female friend that I was this comfortable with. Any time I got anywhere close, we ended up in bed, and then it was over."_

_ She blinked. Definitely not what she was expecting. She had no idea what to say, or how to respond, because what he was saying was big, but just as confusing as having him wake her up by running his fingers through her hair. _

_ "But I want to hug you, and I liked waking up with you, and you're the best thing that's ever happened to my kid."_

_ "I…" nope. No coherent thoughts yet._

_ He chuckled. "And you've got big things happening in your life. And I've got an ex-wife who's messing with mine. We're a mess."_

_ "Yeah," she breathed. They'd touched on this a few months ago, but now he was actually saying it, laying it out there, and it was…it was easy? But it couldn't be easy, right? It just wasn't possible. And she couldn't have met _the guy_ at 23. That didn't happen. It hadn't happened, right?_

_ "But, the things is, there are no rules."_

_ "What?" God, was he trying to speak in code, and riddles, and purposefully trying to make her head spin?_

_ "If we want to cuddle on the couch, why the hell not?"_

_ "Your daughter," she said immediately. _

_ His eyes widened and she felt his hand twitch on her leg. "My daughter."_

_ "It sends a horrible message, Rick," she whispered, scattered pieces of information falling into place in her head. "We can't act like a couple, but not be one. What does that say to her? She's already been through a divorce."_

_ "It says that…" he trailed off and fell silent for a minute, thinking. She didn't bother to interrupt him, because she had nothing to say. She didn't know what to do. This was just insanity, and odd and confusing as hell._

_ "It says that loving someone is about more than kissing in public, and that stable people in her life don't have to be married." _

_Kate blinked as her heart skipped a beat. She couldn't process all of that statement. She couldn't. "And if, someday, we crash and burn and rip each other apart, you think that's not going to crush her to pieces?" Kate asked, the thought coming out of her mouth before she could premeditate it, shock causing her to speak._

_He took a deep breath and then met her eyes. "You promised you'd stick around. Would you break that promise?"_

_Kate shook her head instantly. But how could she know, really? She was young, and this was sounding more and more like a lifetime commitment. But, hadn't she already signed on for that, back in November? Would she be able to walk away from them, from Alexis? Would she be able to walk away from him? _

"_It would suck, yeah. And I don't…I have no idea how that would work. But, I can't really imagine watching you walk away without putting up a hell of a fight, even now."_

_She couldn't quite imagine walking away, no matter what, at this point either. But how much of that was dependence? And how much of that was…whatever the hell it was they shared between them? And how much of that would she feel if they had a catastrophic break up? And how the hell were they supposed to plan for forever anyway? Life didn't work like that. Life held knives and guns and people got killed for nothing every day. She could die on Monday, gunned down in the street. _

"_It doesn't work like that," she said. "Life isn't something you can control. You don't know what this will be like in a year."_

"_Neither do you," he replied gently. "Can you see yourself believing the best of this? Instead of running through every horrible possibility?"_

_Kate met his eyes. He understood exactly what she was feeling—that sinking doubt that, like everything else in her life so far, this too would crumble, and she'd be left to pick up the pieces. And she didn't have the strength to pick up more pieces. _

_ "We don't need to label it, do we?" he asked, taking her out of her thoughts as he squeezed her leg. "You'd fall asleep in a girlfriend's bed, right? You'd probably chat with a girlfriend in the tub. Just think of me like that," he grinned._

_ Kate snorted, amused. "You are not my girlfriend, Rick."_

_ "No, but I'm not your boyfriend either," he replied easily. How could he be so nonchalant about this? It was their life they were talking about—a collective life that she hadn't realized they shared until it slapped her in the face. "And I don't want to give you more to stress about right now. Let's get your father back to normal, and let me and Alexis come home, and then we can talk about it, okay?"_

_ She sighed. She didn't _want_ to mess with this, complicate it, over analyze it until the tentative hold they shared broke. But she couldn't quite see letting it go for a few months. And where would they be if they did? If they kept this up, invading each other's space and talking every night, it had to break, right? They couldn't just hang here, suspended between friends and lovers._

_ "I already failed one marriage, Kate," Rick said quietly, causing her to snap her gaze to his at the raw sound of his voice. "I'm not about to screw this up with you too."_

_ They sat there staring at each other for a long moment. It broke her heart, because he was just as broken as she was. He was just as gun shy as she was, and she was making him be the strong one. That was unfair. That was really, really unfair of her. She found herself moving, wrapping her arms around him and pulling him close before she could think about it._

_ He sighed against her ear and ran a hand over her back. They sat there quietly for a few moments, just listening to each other breathe. "So, not exactly how you pictured this morning would go, huh?" he said after a minute._

_ She chuckled into his neck. "Not exactly how you pictured last night would go, either."_

_ "Your Dad will be okay," he told her. _

_ "I shouldn't have just stormed out. I should have stayed and cleaned him up," she whispered, feeling regret seep into her stomach now that their relationship discussion had ended, or at least tabled._

_ "He understands, Kate. And you can always call him when you're ready."_

_ She shrugged. "I guess."_

_ "It's going to work out, Kate. All of it will work out."_

_ "More of that omniscience, Mr. Castle?" she asked, not bothering to move. _

_ "Optimism does wonders for the skin," he replied easily. "You should try it."_

_ She flicked his ear and he laughed. "Tread lightly, Rick."_

_ "Oh, no way. I'm going to stomp all over those walls of yours. Fair warning."_

Kate picked up her phone and dialed. She needed perspective. And she needed something to do on her day off tomorrow. She didn't really want to take it, but Montgomery had stopped by to tell her that if she didn't, he'd slap her with desk duty for a week, since she'd skipped so many within the past month.

"Hello?"

"Wanna get lunch tomorrow?" Kate asked, biting one of her nails, a habit she thought she'd given up.

"Becks?"

"Yeah, it's me. Wanna get lunch tomorrow?"

Madison spluttered for a second. "Sure?"

"Great. Noon at our usual?"

"Everything okay, Kate?" she asked, concern heavy in her tone. They hadn't seen each other in three weeks, because they'd each been so busy.

"I need some perspective," Kate replied honestly. If she didn't give Madison a real reason, they'd end up talking until lunch tomorrow, and Kate need to do this in person.

"Sure. Did you finally go there with Rick?"

"We'll talk tomorrow," Kate replied, rolling her eyes.

"This better be good, Beckett."

"Oh, you'll love it, don't worry," Kate replied. "See you then?"

"Okay. See you then, Kate."

They hung up and Kate sank into the couch. She sat there for a solid hour, just staring out at her living room, with no motivation to move, or eat, or think. And as she started to drift off, lulled by the sounds of the traffic outside her windows and her own exhaustion, her phone rang.

"Beckett," she answered, her eyes still closed, body still stretched out on the couch where she'd reclined some thirty minutes earlier.

"Tired?"

"Oh, hey, Rick," she sighed, snuggling deeper into the couch and grabbing the blanket from the side. "Falling asleep on my couch."

"Long day?" he asked, his voice soft.

"Certainly not as relaxing as chilling on the beach with you guys," she replied.

"Well the beach, the girl, and her father miss you."

Man, she could use that perspective right now. Because his words made her heart clench, and she really wished she could be there with him, and it terrified her. "Miss you guys too," she replied. She slapped her forehead with her hand. But the words were already out there.

"What are you doing tomorrow? I hope it's sleeping."

"That, and seeing Madison. We haven't had time in a while."

"Sounds nice," he replied, and she could hear him settling down in his own bed.

"You guys?"

"More beach time, and then we're going to go to a barbecue at Paul's house."

"Have I met Paul?" Kate asked, wondering if maybe he had been at Rick's Birthday Bash.

"No. He lives out here year round, and keeps up the house when we're away. He's a nice guy. Maybe we can have him over the next time you're here, if you get another chance to come out before we leave for California."

Kate sighed. She wouldn't get another chance. "I wish I could," she said quietly.

"Not your fault," he replied quickly.

"How's Lex?"

"She's…good."

"Rick," Kate admonished.

"Okay, she's bummed that you're gone, but she's looking forward to talking to you tomorrow night."

Kate sighed. Alexis had been near tears when Kate had left on Sunday afternoon. And before that…

_"Why do you have to leave today?" Alexis asked as they sat together by the pool, Alexis settled between Kate's legs as they lounged on one of the deck chairs._

_ "I have to go back to work," Kate replied, looking down at her as Alexis tilted her head back and squinted up into Kate's face._

_ "But you just got here!"_

_ "I know, Munchkin. But I'll talk to you on Tuesday, like always. And we'll see each other soon. Only a few more weeks and you'll be home and back in school."_

_ Alexis huffed and looked back at the pool, where Rick was swimming laps. Her smaller fingers toyed with one of Kate's palms. "Can't you stay for tomorrow too? You did the last time."_

_ "I don't have tomorrow off," Kate replied, feeling like maybe she shouldn't have come at all—not if it was going to make Alexis feel abandoned all over again._

_ "I like it when you're here," she told Kate._

_ "I like being here."_

_ "So can't you stay for longer?" _

_ Kate sighed and leaned down to kiss the top of Alexis' head. "Not this time, kiddo," she said, stealing the endearment from Martha. _

_ "If you and Daddy were married, could you stay?" she asked quietly._

_ Kate sucked in a breath. Oh, this girl. And after the conversation with Rick…God, what the hell was she doing? It was all so very messed up. Though, honestly, nothing would be different in that moment, whether or not she and Rick were together. "No. Even if we were, I'd have to go back to work. I have the real job, remember?"_

_ Alexis giggled. "Oh yeah."_

_ Kate took the opportunity to tickle her just as Rick hopped out of the pool and came over to them, grabbing a towel as he went. "That's right. Kate's the responsible one," he said, winking at Kate. So he'd heard Alexis. Wonderful. "And even if we were married, I'm sure she'd want to be working, just to escape from me," he added, scooping Alexis up and causing her to shriek as he shook water all over her._

_"Daddy! Kate, help! Help!" she laughed._

_ Kate stood and advanced on them, grabbing Rick's towel from around his waist as she inched them back toward the deep end of the pool. "Kate," he warned, still tickling Alexis while she giggled. "Hey, now, is that any way to treat the breadwinner?"_

_ She glared at him and then snatched Alexis from his arms just as she pushed him into the water. He came up spluttering as she set Alexis down and wrapped an arm around the girl. "Breadwinner?" she asked, ignoring the part of her brain that told her to _stop playing this game_. "Yeah right."_

_ "Well, Honey, I do make more money than you," he teased, splashing them before they could move away._

_ "But Kate's got the important job," Alexis chimed in in between giggles. "She catches the bad guys. You just make them up!"_

_ "Ha!" Kate gloated. "I win the kid."_

_ "That's unfair," Rick pouted, swimming over to the edge. "You're playing dirty."_

_ "You're playing dirty," she replied._

_And suddenly their little game became a very serious series of heated looks. Because Alexis was the crux of the whole thing, and the idea that Kate was stealing her and earning so much affection that she could win arguments, was really what the problem, wasn't it? They couldn't play these games in front of Alexis. She was attached enough as it was—in too deep along with them, and hers would be the first heart to break. _

"_Touché. No more playing dirty. Just good, clean, _innocent_ fun," he replied after a moment as he hauled himself out of the pool._

_ "You're bad at being innocent," Alexis told Rick as he shook his head at them, splattering them with more water. At least Alexis didn't get it right now._

_ "But I can get better at it," he told Alexis, his eyes holding Kate's as Alexis hugged her side. _

_ It was a very dangerous game. _

"She's okay, Kate," he assured her, bringing her out of the memory. "And not one marriage reference has been made. Stop worrying."

"I still can't believe you encouraged it," she threw back.

"Encouraged it? You were the one who pushed me into the pool!" he argued. She could hear him smiling and couldn't control her own grin, even though she was less than amused and more than concerned by it all.

"That was just because you insinuated that you'd be the Breadwinner in our relationship!"

"I would be," he laughed. "I make more money, but that doesn't mean I have the more important job."

"So what would we do with my paycheck?" she asked, her mouth running away from her. God damn him.

"College funds? Savings accounts? Just add it to mine and enjoy the extra money?"

"College funds?" They needed stop. They needed to _stop it right now_. "No, wait, just…shut up," she objected. "We're not doing this." They needed to take a step back. Hadn't they decided to table it, let it go, ignore whatever…whatever it was between them? They could not keep talking about getting married, like it was some foregone, inevitable conclusion. They weren't even dating.

"Right," he murmured. "So…you're seeing Madison tomorrow?"

Kate sighed and shook her head. "I am. But you know what? I'm tired."

"Kate, don't do this."

"No, legitimately, I'm tired," she replied. It was true. Yes, she was attempting to run away from this disastrous conversation, but she was also falling asleep on her couch, still dressed in her uniform.

"Okay," he replied quietly. "Talk to you tomorrow?" he sounded hesitant, and it almost made her resolve crumble.

"Yes. We will talk tomorrow. Promise," she replied. She wasn't trying to run far, just a little ways away, so she could sort herself out. Hopefully by the time they spoke the next night, she wouldn't be quite as confused.

"Okay. Night, Kate."

"Night, Rick," she said softly. He clicked off and she opened her eyes, staring up at the ceiling. Good God, they were in so much trouble.

(…)

"Wait, wait. Back up. You slept in his bed?"

Kate sighed and buried her head in her hands. "Yes," she mumbled, glancing up at Madison across the booth.

"So, he made you food, ran you a bath, _sat_ in the bathroom while you took said bath, cuddled with you all night, and then…what? You didn't jump each other?" she shook her blond head at Kate, curls bouncing as she did. "God, Becks, you're an idiot."

"What?" Kate spluttered, sitting up straight.

"He's _perfect_ for you!"

Kate shook her head. "Yeah, in theory, right? But…Madison, it's like saying yes to forever!"

"So?"

"So?" Kate gaped. "I'm twenty-three! Isn't that a little bit young for _forever_?"

Madison rolled her eyes. "You're over analyzing this, Kate. Why are you worried about forever?"

"Did you listen to anything I just said?" Kate replied. "He has a _kid_, Madison. A daughter who's already lost one mom. And I'm not ready to be a mom! Hell, I can't even remember to feed myself unless someone reminds me," she ranted, wanting someone to understand.

But Madison just kept looking like her like she was crazy. "Kate, no one's handing you a marriage license."

"But…"

"No. You're being ridiculous. Rick isn't asking you to be Alexis' mom. He's not even asking you to be his girlfriend. He's just asking you to lighten up and stop trying to figure it out into something normal."

"But shouldn't we? Isn't it irresponsible to just…let it go? What if something happens?"

"Like what? Like you fall madly in love, get married, and give Alexis a few siblings?"

Kate just stared at her. She couldn't…what the hell? Madison was supposed to back her up, not… "Excuse me?" she managed.

"Katie, honey, not everything is black and white," Madison said quietly.

"I know that," Kate snapped, now feeling cornered and oddly defensive. She hadn't expected this response.

"No," Madison laughed. "You don't. You're waiting for facts and evidence, and a nice, big, even box to fit this relationship into, because it's what you do. And that's not a fault," she said, holding up a hand to stop Kate's protests. "You've, God, Kate, you've gone through so much, and it's totally understandable that you want things to have real answers."

"I…" Kate tried, but Madison silenced her with a glance.

"But this thing you fell into, there's no box for it. You guys aren't normal. And you know, I'd kill for someone like Rick."

"You have Brad," Kate interjected.

Madison smiled. "Yeah. But Brad doesn't call me every night just to talk, and especially not if he's not getting any."

"This isn't about sex," Kate argued.

"No, no," Madison laughed. "That's exactly my point. You have this wonderful guy, who's crazy about you, and you don't even have to complicate it with sex right now. But you're complicating it anyway."

"I just…" Kate blew out a breath, feeling irrational now. Was Maddy right? Could it be that easy? Could they just…be? "I don't know how to let go like that," she whispered. Damn therapy—it had made her actually understand herself.

Madison reached across the table and squeezed her hand. "I know," she said with a small smile. "But let him help you learn, okay? Don't let yourself get in the way."

"Maddy…"

"You've got a couple weeks before they come back, right?" she asked. Kate nodded. "So just chat every night and try to find that happy place you were in before. You weren't this freaked out last week when we talked."

"No, but I hadn't ended up at his beach house without realizing it, taken a bath and slept in his bed, and then argued about our hypothetical marriage with his kid!" Kate replied.

"What?" Madison spluttered around her straw. "You didn't tell me about that!"

"Alexis asked if I could stay if I was married to Rick, because she's seven and she has no idea how on point that question was," Kate huffed, watching more than feeling as she gesticulated. "And so Rick made a joke about me wanting to get away from him, and having to leave even if we _were_ married. So I…kind of went along with it, and it ended with me pushing him into the pool because he said he was the breadwinner."

Madison gaped at her for a second and then let out a loud laugh. "That's hysterical."

"Maddy!" Kate whined, more than aware of how very her age she sounded. "Shut up."

"Oh, Kate, come on," Madison grinned. "That's funny."

"No it's not," Kate replied, but her mouth quirked and then she was laughing too, both of them giggling over their plates and earning glares from the other dinners in the small Chinese restaurant.

"See," Madison smiled as they finally composed themselves. "He's good for you. I haven't seen you laugh like that in ages."

"Really?"

"Oh, God, you're so oblivious," Madison sighed. Kate glared at her. She wasn't oblivious. She was…cautious. "You're happy. Don't let yourself come in the way of that. Flirt a little, hug a little—enjoy this guy. He's _good_ for you."

"Really?" Kate whispered, feeling self conscious, and insecure and something close to stupid. Maybe it _was_ that simple and they could just let it go and see where it took them. Oh, Rick would be insufferable about this.

"Really," Madison said seriously. "I will have to hurt you if you mess it up, actually."

"Oh, shut up," Kate grumbled. "Tell me about Brad."

"Trying to get the focus off of you? Evasive much?"

"Completely," Kate grinned. "But that sparkly necklace has been bugging me since we started eating, and I'm sure there's a story there."

Madison grinned and dove into a detailed description of the romantic river-side picnic Brad had set up for her two nights earlier, and Kate let herself get swept away. Maybe Maddy was right. Maybe it could be easy. And really, Kate could use something easy. Everything else was hard enough.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, this is shorter than usual (how did I get to a place where nearly 6,000 words is short?), but as you saw, it sort of needed to stand on its own. And it's a day after my last one. CRAZINESS.<br>**

**It's very funny; some of you brought up points that I was planning on putting into this chapter, and you were spot on. I hope that this explains things, and adequately portrays Kate's confusion. Her life is kind of a mess right now. There are a bunch of issues brought to light in this chapter, and yes, we're still in the land of UST (Unresolved Sexual Tension, for those of you who asked. RST is Resolved). Hang in there. Everything in its own time, and there's a lot of fun stuff coming after this.**

**I have loved reading your responses. You are all so incredibly amazing, and I really enjoy being part of this fandom and getting to know you. Let me know what you thought of this chapter, as it was by far the most difficult to write to date, and the most angst ridden. **

**Emma**


	15. Chapter 15

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Boy, would that be cool!  
><strong>

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: I don't have words to explain how awesome you guys are. I just don't. But you are, and I love you, and I thank you for your support, encouragement and delight.**

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 15:<strong>

"You know, you don't have to drive us to the airport."

"If you don't stop saying that, I might leave you here," Kate replied, watching as Rick attempted to shoulder both his and Alexis' carry-ons and two suitcases. "Though that would be cruel. Hand one of those over before you break something and Alexis has to fly alone."

Alexis laughed as she came down the stairs, Monkey-Bunky and Hamilton tucked under both arms. Kate shot her a grin as she wrestled the girl's suitcase away from Rick, who adjusted his bag over his shoulder so he could extend Alexis' back pack to her. They watched Alexis tuck the animals inside with care. Then she looked up at Kate as she slipped the pack onto her back.

"Did you remind Daddy to pack his pajamas?"

Kate blinked. "No?"

Alexis sighed. "Daddy, did you pack your pajamas?"

Rick's eyes widened and he gave Kate an apologetic look before dashing back toward his bedroom, leaving his suitcase on the floor. Kate looked down at Alexis and found her sighing at her in exasperation.

"That's supposed to be your job," she told her. "You make sure Daddy's packed so that I can be packed."

"Oh. Is that how it works?" Kate asked, reaching down to lightly pull on one of Alexis' braids. "I thought I was supposed to make sure you didn't miss your plane."

"You have lots of jobs," Alexis decided as Rick rushed back into the room and stuffed two pairs of flannel pants into his bag.

"When did I apply for these jobs?" she asked as Rick straightened himself out.

"Technicality," Alexis shrugged, turning and walking toward the door. "Come on!"

Kate looked over at Rick and found him grinning at her. "Keeping up?" he asked as he ushered her out of the loft behind Alexis, pausing to lock up as they went. His hand fell to rest on the small of her back and Kate bit back a smile at the familiarity.

"Better than you. What else have you forgotten over the years?"

He shrugged as they stepped into the elevator and Alexis pushed the button, leaning around Rick's side to grin at Kate. "Daddy forgot his suit once, for a book signing, and Mommy rushed out to buy him one."

"Why is that funny?" Kate asked, watching as Rick squirmed next to her, his hand tensing on her back.

"It was purple," Alexis replied with a giggle.

"How purple?" Kate asked, waiting for the full mental picture.

"Lilac," Rick supplied. "Happy?"

Kate made an honest effort to keep a straight face, but failed, letting out a loud laugh. His hand fell from her back as the elevator stopped and he stepped out first, frowning petulantly. She wanted to be nice about it, but Rick Castle signing books in a lilac suit? That was too good to be true.

"Let's move," he grumbled as she and Alexis followed him out and through the lobby, Alexis bouncing next to her. Kate took her hand as they stepped out onto the street and she led the Castles over to her car.

"We're not taking the cruiser?" Rick asked in dismay as Kate opened the back door for Alexis and then walked around to the trunk of her Sedan.

"I'm not driving you and your daughter in my Crown Vic," Kate replied, rolling her eyes. Honestly. "How would that look? Rick Castle carted off to jail with his daughter in the back seat? No thank you. Now," she walked back around to the passenger side. "Hop in and be nice."

"I didn't know you had an actual car," he said as he got in the passenger-side door.

"My Dad asked me to hold onto it a while back," Kate replied quietly. "I don't need it, but sometimes I use it just to keep it running."

She'd taken it from him, actually, when he'd gone under for the first time. He'd been furious, and they'd fought, but in the end, he'd paid her to store it at her place, and he'd yet to ask for it back. Kate would still rather ride her bike, but, well, there was no safe backseat for a little kid on her motorcycle. On top of that, Rick didn't even know that she owned a motorcycle. But this was not the time for that story. She walked around the car and got into the driver's seat, closing the door and buckling up. Alexis was already coloring in the backseat.

"Nice of you to do that for him," Rick said as she started the car. He reached out and grabbed her hand, pulling her from her thoughts. "Have I said yet that it's really good to see you?"

She glanced over at him as she pulled onto the street and squeezed his hand. "You may have mentioned it, yeah."

"Okay, but it is _really_ good to see you." He threaded his fingers between hers in emphasis and Kate kept her gaze solidly on the road, knowing that she was fighting a losing battle to keep from blushing.

She and Rick had kept having their 10pm chats for the last three weeks, and Kate had found that once she'd gotten over her freak out—an incident they never mentioned again—talking with Rick was the highlight of her day. That wasn't to say that she didn't still have reservations about everything in her life, from Rick to her father to Alexis's increasing attachment, but she was more even keeled about it. Or, well, she was working harder than ever and had decided that she could box up confusion, even if she couldn't box up the relationships that caused it. Suppression—she was good as suppressing things.

"How'd your dinner go?" he asked as Kate turned at a light.

"It was good," she replied. "Dad's…he's doing well."

They'd gone to a little Indian place two nights earlier, and ended up talking for so long that she'd missed her call with Rick. She'd left him a voicemail on Monday, explaining, and they hadn't really gotten to talk since. Her father—he legitimately seemed better. He was getting some sun, and his eyes were closer to full and sparkling than they'd been in months, even before his relapse. She was desperately trying to keep herself in check, reminding her heart that she'd felt like this just a few weeks ago, and he'd fallen back. But her heart never listened to her, did it?

After all, Rick was still holding her hand, toying with her fingers, and Alexis was in the back seat, jamming away to a song on the portable CD player she'd pulled out of her back pack. No, her heart didn't listen to her head at all. And sometimes even her head didn't listen to her head anymore, like when she was on the phone with Rick late at night and she let them spiral through far too many inappropriate conversations, merely because they made her laugh.

_"You're not serious," Kate snorted, rolling onto her side in laughter._

_ "Completely! Come on, Kate. Why would I lie about something like that?"_

_ "You're telling me that you let Alexis braid your hair and then went into town, only to get hit on with pigtails in your hair?"_

_ "By the scariest biker-chick I've ever met. I mean it," he replied, chuckling himself. "I didn't know the Hamptons even did biker-chicks. And I mean tattoos and the whole nine yards."_

_ "And what did Alexis think about her?"_

_ He laughed. "Oh, our little brave one just started chatting her up, asking about her bike and why she had a snarling flower on her arm."_

_ Kate could see Alexis doing just that. "And biker-chick? Was she put off?"_

_ "Oh, no. They could become fast friends," Rick replied. "She asked Alexis if she'd done my hair, and then let Alexis do hers. It was…it was surreal."_

_ "Gonna bring her home and invite her over to dinner?_

_"I only do that with the women who offer to take my child to the bathroom," he replied, a smile in his voice._

_ "Oh, I have competition?" Kate asked. She hadn't actually meant to say that. She hadn't. Stupid mouth. Stupid brain. Stupid butterflies that shouldn't exist in her stomach._

_ "If you count my mother and occasionally Paula or Gina as competition," he replied. "But no, Kate. You're in a league of your own."_

_ She let out a breath she hadn't realized she was holding. When were they coming home? A week? Why was she so excited to see them for about an hour when she took them to the airport? Why did this conversation make her blush? Why was she bothering to let this cycle continue in her head? _

_ "Good to know," she replied evenly. _

_ "Like biker-chick could replace you," he laughed. "Come on, Kate. I've never seen my daughter so excited for a phone call."_

_ "You don't know. Biker-chick could tell an awesome bedtime story."_

_ "No, that's my kingdom. Even you can't beat me at that."_

_ "That confident in your storytelling skills?" Kate needled, grinning as he let out a huff. He was such an easy mark._

_ "I happen to have made millions with those skills, Officer," he replied haughtily. "And I have told a child to sleep with more talent than you for many years."_

_ "Don't put your money where your over-sized mouth is going to get you in trouble, Richard," she replied. "Or I'll be tempted to challenge you to a sleep-off."_

_ "Oh, it's so on!" he exclaimed. "We'll do it when we get back."_

_ "Do what, Mr. Castle?" Kate replied, slapping her forehead at the sultry, throaty sound of her voice. That wasn't meant to be a double entendre._

_ "Oh, we'll get to that too, Miss Beckett," he replied just as low, just as sultry, just as throaty; and damn him, didn't it suit him well. "But I was suggesting something more…child friendly."_

_ "Name your terms." Play it cool. That's how she'd get out of that one._

_ "A face off, back to back. You get bedtime one night. I get bedtime one night. And we see who gets Alexis out faster."_

_ She'd win. Russian Literature would lull Alexis to sleep in an instant, especially if she recited in Russian; it was like a lullaby, but with the added benefit of sounding suspiciously like a textbook—instant sleep. "You're on, Writer Boy."_

_ "Man. Writer Man," he corrected. "You have Pigeon Boy already. I demand that any other monikers include the title of, 'man,' thank you."_

_ "You have to prove your worth to gain that title, Rick," Kate teased._

_ "You just wait until I prove _that_ title, Katherine."_

_ She just kept leaving herself open to them. "Yeah, yeah, Mr. Ego. You keep thinking that."_

_ "I will." She could hear him grinning through the phone. "Are you sure you can't make it out here again?"_

_ She sighed. "I'm sure. I wish I could, but I can't take time off; we got that weekend not too long ago."_

_ "That was two whole weeks ago," Rick whined. "I miss you."_

_ Kate definitely felt her heart flutter. "I miss you too," she whispered, like she was telling him a secret. How secret could it be? They talked every day. Since she'd found the inner peace to _get over herself_ about Rick, and what they may or may not be to each other, she'd found that she missed him very much. She'd never missed a guy like that before, and she and Rick weren't even a thing. Yet, her mind reminded her—they weren't a thing _yet. _They fell silent for a few minutes, just laying there, listening to each other breathe._

"_Crap," she muttered as she caught the time from the harsh glow of her bedside clock. "I need to go to sleep."_

_ "Didn't mean to keep you on for so long," he replied with a chuckle. _

_ "Eh," Kate shrugged, sitting. "Who needs sleep, really?"_

_ "That's my healthy girl," he laughed._

_ "Shut up."_

_ "Hey now, play nice!" he replied. She shook her head and stood, walking toward the bathroom and shedding her work slacks. She hadn't bothered to tell him that she'd only gotten home about ten minutes before his call. He didn't need to have more ammo. _

_ "No," she replied easily, laughing at the indignant gasp she could hear through the phone. "Now, I need to go and get some sleep so I don't face plant instead of chasing criminals in the morning."_

_ "Fine," he sighed. _

_ "Night Rick," she smiled as she shimmed into a pair of track pants._

_ "Night. Oh, and Kate?"_

_ "Hmm?" she replied, tugging her hair out of the bun it had been in all day._

_ "Competition? You don't have any."_

_ She didn't have a response. All of the breath had just rushed from her lungs and she was left speechless. Had he really?_

_ "And on that note, talk to you tomorrow, Kate. Sweet dreams."_

_ He clicked off and she was left standing there, staring at her own flushed reflection. She dreamt of him that night, his arms wrapped around her as they lay on his big couch, watching a movie, him pressing kisses to everywhere he could reach. It was the tamest dream she'd ever had, but it left her smiling through the following day. Esposito's confused looks were just a wonderful bonus._

"I'm glad your Dad's doing better," Rick told her, bringing her out of the memory as they hit the highway. She wondered whether he'd been lost in thought as well, or just waiting her out.

"Me too," Kate replied.

"When do I get to meet him?" Alexis asked, her voice startling them both.

Kate glanced over at Rick, who surreptitiously released her hand, letting it fall to the console between them. He shrugged.

"Kate's father's very busy, Lex," he said after a moment. It wasn't a lie; her father _was_ busy. Kate was actually starting to believe that he'd make it this time, but that didn't mean that she was comfortable pushing him on Rick and Alexis. And wasn't meeting the father something that…who was she kidding? There were no rules. She just had to keep believing that. There were no rules to this thing they'd started.

"But, if she'd like to invite him for dinner in a few weeks, I'm sure he'd be able to make time," Rick added.

Kate blinked and looked over at him again. He met her gaze with a smile and she didn't fight the urge to reach for his hand again. She wrapped her fingers around his and squeezed. He was going to help her help her father? If only she had enough arms to hug him right now, without crashing and killing them all.

"I'll ask him, Alexis," she said, once she'd found her voice.

"Tell him I really wanna meet him," the girl added. "Daddy says having me ask always makes people more willing to say yes."

Kate laughed as Rick shrank down in his seat a bit. "I'll make sure to do that, Lex," she giggled. "And you and I have to have a chat about that tactic, mister," she added.

"Hey now. I haven't used her against you. I would never do such a thing!" he protested, tugging gently on her arm.

"I do that to you on my own," Alexis added.

Kate shook her head and bit back a smile as she listened to Rick and Alexis list off the various things they'd convinced people to do for them, using Rick's charm and Alexis' adorable face.

They reached the parking lot at JFK with two hours to spare before the Castles' flight. The Delta atrium was buzzing with movement, and Kate kept a tight hold on Alexis' hand as they wove through the crowds to get to baggage check. Rick held his hand at the small of her back and guided them over to a less populated station, his sunglasses still firmly pulled down over his eyes.

"Do you get mobbed at the airport?" she asked quietly as they came to a halt and joined the shortest line, putting down their suitcases.

"Sometimes," he replied. "Not as much since…you know," he added.

Kate nodded and squeezed his hand, watching shadows fall over his face. They'd never talked about 9/11, and she had no idea whether he'd lost someone, or someones, that day. Kate had been lucky enough—though that word hardly seemed fair or right—to keep all of her associates intact, but she knew of many brave officers and firefighters who had gone down with the towers.

"Did you lose anyone?" she asked, glancing down at Alexis, who was busy watching the other milling passengers.

"A few people," Rick murmured, turning to look at her. "But no one I was extremely close to."

"Doesn't make it better," Kate replied, leaning into him. He released her hand and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, pulling her into his side as the three of them took another step and moved up in line.

"No," he whispered, turning his head to press his lips to her temple. Kate let out a small breath against his chin at the gesture and felt him give her shoulders a squeeze. "Unsettled by my touch, Miss Beckett?"

"In your dreams," she replied, pulling back to narrow her eyes at him, the moment effectively ruined. Though, from the tension she could feel in his arm, he was less than thrilled to be getting on a plane. He hid it well, but she could feel it radiating off of him, even as he tried to use her as a distraction.

"Always," he grinned. "But, why don't you and Lex go over to the wall and wait for me to check these through? Then we can say our goodbyes, since we can't take you into the terminal with us."

"Why can't Kate come to the gate?" Alexis asked, tuning back into their conversation.

"Because there are new rules, Pumpkin," Rick replied easily. "They want to cut down on traffic."

"Because of the Towers?" Alexis asked quietly, turning to look at Kate, as if she expected her to give her the hard answer.

Kate felt Rick stiffen next to her. She wound her free arm around his side for a moment, squeezing his hip before she stepped away from him and guided Alexis back out of the line. She had a feeling that Rick didn't need to hear her answer, almost as much as he wished Alexis was as clueless as a regular seven-year-old. They reached one of the walls of windows at the side of the large atrium, and Kate sat down along the lip, beckoning Alexis to come and stand between her legs.

"I thought you'd come and watch us take off," Alexis said, acknowledging that they'd put their conversation on hold for the walk over to the windows.

"I wish I could, but they just want to keep the airport safe, you know?" she asked, watching Alexis mull it over, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.

"But you're not a bad person."

Kate smiled. "Right."

"So you wouldn't try to blow up a plane," she whispered. How the child knew to be quiet about such a subject was beyond Kate. It broke her heart a bit that Alexis had to learn that lesson at all. So she nodded and took the girl's hands.

"Of course not. But they have to be careful. Not all bad people look a certain way," Kate told her honestly, trying to tell the truth without delving into the realities of terrorism and politics.

Alexis frowned. "But I wanted to spend more time with you."

"I know, Sweetie," Kate replied, giving her hands a squeeze. "But we'll see each other soon, and then we can spend the whole day together, okay?"

"Okay," Alexis sighed. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course," Kate replied. What else could the girl want to ask?

"How do you not get scared on planes?"

That's right—Alexis didn't like flying. She met Kate's eyes and Kate gave her a smile, watching as Alexis tentatively smiled back. But there was an underlying fear there, and Kate suddenly had an even greater respect for the little girl. It took a lot to face your fears just to go see your Mom.

"I just pretend that I'm on a really big roller coaster that takes a really long time to go down the hill," Kate replied after a moment. Really, she pretended she was going up an enormous hill on her bike, but Alexis wouldn't have that kind of image to fall back on. And, honestly, she was always scared to death on planes, but that wasn't the right answer to give either. "And yes, it's scary. But your Daddy will be there with you."

"I know," Alexis replied, scuffing a foot against the floor. "And he always lets me hold his hand…but…"

"It's okay to be scared, Lex," Kate told her quietly. Rick was walking back over to them. "Everyone gets scared sometimes."

"Even you?"

Kate nodded. "Even me. Even your Dad."

"Even me what?" Rick asked as he came to a halt behind his daughter. "Even I'm ruggedly handsome?"

"Ruggedly conceited," Kate replied easily. "But no, Fabio, I was telling Alexis that everyone gets scared sometimes."

"Oh," Rick nodded slowly, letting his hands fall to Alexis' shoulders. She looked up at him and he smiled down. "I'm scared of lots of things."

"Like losing me in the store?" Alexis asked.

"Yes. Like that," he smiled, dancing her back and forth. "And clowns."

"Oh, yeah," Alexis giggled, looking back at Kate. "He screamed once."

Kate looked up and met Rick's blushing gaze. "I may have tried to take this one to the Circus, and wasn't, uh, quite able to handle it."

Kate nodded, unwilling to laugh, because that would send the wrong message; however, on the phone that night? Rick totally had it coming.

"What are you scared of?" Alexis asked as a few people rushed past, jostling Rick into the girl, and subsequently pushing Kate back against the window as both of them stumbled into her.

"Suffocating against a window," Kate laughed, as Rick straightened up.

What was she afraid of? Guns. Knives. Sharp objects and cornered suspects. Bombs. Terrorists. Bees. Dark, secluded alleys. Drunken calls from her father. Plain clothes at the door, telling her someone was dead. Death. Mimes made her uncomfortable. Forgetting her mother. Losing someone. Losing them. Cockroaches.

"I'm scared of bees and…" she glanced at Rick. How much should she say to Alexis? She wanted to be honest, and Alexis deserved to know real things—to understand that adults had fears as well. "Planes and losing people I love."

"Me too," Alexis replied after a moment and Kate looked back at her, noting Rick's warm smile. "But I really don't like planes," she added on a whisper.

"Well, you know," Kate said, an idea popping into her head. She rummaged in Alexis' backpack and pulled out Hamilton the turtle. "Hamilton loves flying. So you can squish him really tight and give him your fear, and he'll take it and give you bravery."

Alexis took the proffered animal from Kate and looked down at it while Rick zipped her backpack up, winking at Kate. Then Alexis turned her gaze to Kate. "You know that's not true."

Kate met her eyes. "What's not true?"

"Hamilton isn't real, so he can't have feelings, and he can't take mine."

"Pity when she outsmarts you, isn't it?" Rick asked.

Kate shot him a glare and then turned to the overly perceptive munchkin. And she'd thought that was rather clever. Damn. "Okay, so Hamilton can't _really_ take your fears, but you can still squish him really tight when you take off, and just pretend that he can, okay?"

"Okay," Alexis sighed.

"Promise me you'll try?"

"Okay," Alexis promised.

Rick glanced at his watch and sighed. "We've gotta go, Pumpkin."

Alexis nodded and then wrapped her arms around Kate's neck. Kate hugged the little girl close. "I'll see you in a week," Kate promised.

"Bye Kate, love you," Alexis whispered.

"Love you too, Munchkin," Kate replied, giving her one last squeeze before she stepped back. Kate stood and turned to Rick. "I'll see you in a week? Lemme know when you're getting in. Conveniently on Tuesday, right?"

He grinned. "When else?" He reached for her with the hand that wasn't holding Alexis' and Kate allowed herself to be pulled into a hug. "Can't wait to come back," he whispered against her ear.

Kate smiled and pulled back to look him in the eye. "Looking forward to it," she replied. He beamed and leaned in to press his lips to the corner of her mouth, as though it were how they greeted each other all the time.

Kate felt herself stiffen for a moment before she relaxed. Another odd step toward whatever it was they were heading for. But she'd made peace with that, right? She'd made peace with being in the 'in-between' with him, right? So why the hell was her pulse trying to break free?

He leaned back and they smiled at each other. "See you in a week," he murmured. "Ready, Lex?"

"Yeah," she replied quietly. "Bye, Kate."

"Bye, Sweetie," Kate said with a smile, eliciting a small one from the girl. "Bye, Writer Man."

"Hah!" he beamed. "I am a man!"

"Say that louder, I dare you," she laughed. "Keep him out of trouble, Alexis."

"Okay," she giggled.

Kate felt his arm slip from its hold across her back and they stepped apart. He gave her hand one last squeeze, and then she was watching them walk across the atrium and out of sight. She stood there for a long moment, people moving hurriedly around her. She couldn't quite wrap her head around it. She'd been so upset and worried a few weeks ago, but Madison had been right; she'd been over complicating _everything_. Now, with the feeling of his lips warm against the bottom of her cheek, nothing had ever seemed so simple or so complicated at once.

"Was that your family, dear?" an older woman in a sundress asked, startling Kate from her thoughts

"Sorry?"

"Your daughter is adorable. And that hunk? Whew. I'd kill for a guy that looked at me like that."

"Oh." Oh. Oh, wow. "They're um, he's not…we're all just friends," she rushed out.

The woman hummed, brushing back a strand of long dark hair. "Well, regardless, they're lovely. Hope they're coming back soon," she said after a moment.

"Yeah, they are," Kate replied automatically. She was terrible in these types of situations, especially when people assumed she and Rick were married. And who was he to leave her alone to deal with this? "Just a week."

"Well, I hope you don't miss them too much. Excuse me," she walked away, leaving Kate staring after her.

After a minute, she managed to force herself to leave the terminal and walk back to her car, her mind in an odd haze. She had expected seeing Rick and Alexis again to be…what? Awkward, she supposed. But it was the opposite, like slipping into a warm bath, or into a comfortable pair of pants—pants that seemed to fit better every time she wore them. She shook her head as she reached her car. She was spending too much time talking to him if she was comparing their relationship to pants.

(…)

The week passed slowly and busily, with three fresh homicides and a slew of less than pleasurable scenes and suspects. When they weren't on the street, she and Esposito were camped at their desks, doing endless paperwork. She managed one bath and a brief coffee date with Lanie, but otherwise, spent the week solidly in the Precinct, exchanging snark with Esposito and trying to ignore the part of her that was desperately waiting for Tuesday. She was rather unsuccessful.

So when she spotted Rick and Alexis coming down the corridor at JFK's domestic terminal, she grinned and let herself be unabashedly happy for the first time in weeks. Fighting it was really getting her nowhere.

"Oh, God, sanity!" Rick exclaimed when he found her in the crowd, a baseball cap perched backward on his head.

Kate laughed as they raced over to her and ducked under the rope barrier. Alexis hit her first, wrapping her arms around Kate's middle as Rick stumbled under the barrier, tangling himself and their suitcases up in the rope.

"Hi, Lexi," Kate smiled, running a hand over the girl's head. "You could have stepped over it," she added to Rick as he straightened up and walked the remaining steps to them.

"Too easy," he replied, dropping their bags and extending an arm to wrap it around her. "Man are you a sight for sore eyes," he murmured, his nose pressed against her cheek.

Kate smiled and leaned into him. "Ditto."

"We missed you, Kate," Alexis added.

"I missed you too," she replied honestly, meeting the girl's gaze. "Did you have a good time?"

"Yeah," Alexis smiled. "But some of it was really boring."

"And by really, she means _deathly_ boring," Rick added as he stepped away from them and grabbed the suitcases. Kate slid his shoulder bag from his shoulder and onto hers, ignoring his protests as she took Alexis' hand and led them toward the doors.

"Why was it so boring?" she asked Alexis, curious. Rick would have been bored at his publicity meetings; she knew for a fact that he was, because he'd called her during one of them, pleading with her to distract him. She'd had to leave him hanging to go to a scene, though the whining she'd received about it that night had almost made her regret having gone to do her job.

"Mommy made us listen to her auditions," Alexis replied. "And…" she glanced over at Rick, who gave her an understanding smile and nod. "She's not very good," Alexis added softly.

Kate bit her lip, unsure of what to say. She couldn't say 'good,' because that would be unkind, and inappropriate, no matter how much she wanted to say it. And she couldn't grin evilly like she was doing in her head. Rick nudged her gently as they crossed another row of cars in the garage. She glanced over and he was grinning at her. Apparently, she hadn't done a spectacular job of hiding her catty side.

"It's okay, Alexis. She'll get better," he told his daughter.

"I just want her to be good at what she likes to do," Alexis replied with a little shrug. "And so that it's not so boring next time."

Rick laughed. "Hear hear, Pumpkin."

"It sounds like you were very nice about it," Kate said, deciding that the comment was innocuous enough.

"I clapped extra loud," Alexis replied as they reached Kate's car and Kate opened the back door for her. "And," Alexis motioned her closer while Rick took the keys from Kate's outstretched hand and opened the trunk. "I didn't cry on the plane."

Kate smiled at her. "I'm proud of you."

Alexis grinned. "Daddy was too."

Kate's hand moved of its own accord and rubbed the girl's cheek before she ushered her into the backseat and waited until she was buckled in before she closed the door. She turned and found Rick standing right in front of her.

"Alexis is being charitable. Meredith was _horrible_," he said quietly, his face turned away from the window as he handed the keys back to her.

Kate gave him a sad smile. "That's too bad."

He grinned at her after a moment. "You're not sorry about it at all," he laughed.

Kate scowled but felt the corner of her mouth twitch up. This was totally irrational. She had no reason to wish bad things on Meredith. Well, she did, but the death of her career seemed a bit much. She settled on a non-committal shrug. "Maybe she'll get better with time."

"Or the acting lessons she conned me into paying for," he sighed.

"Seriously?"

He nodded. "Seriously."

She blinked. "And you didn't say no?"

"Couldn't. She was talking about moving back here to work on soaps if she couldn't hit it out there. She _cannot_ live in this city." He gave himself a dramatic shake but she could see the underlying fear, discomfort and lingering hurt that hovered under the surface.

"Then I'm all for paying her off," Kate told him. "Now get in so I can get you guys home."

"Staying for dinner?"

"Is this you inviting me?" she asked as he shuffled past her to go around the front of the car.

He stopped moving and she found herself pressed between his chest and the front door. "Yes," he breathed against her ear.

Kate glanced into the back seat and found Alexis snuggled up, her head resting on Hamilton as she slumped against the window, her eyes closed and mouth slightly parted. "Richard Castle, you are not honestly doing this in a parking garage," she said as his arms wrapped around her waist and pulled her back into his chest so that his chin rested on her shoulder.

"Doing what, Kate? I'm just giving my best friend a backwards hug. Is there something wrong with that?" His words were soft and she turned her head back to look at him, catching his gaze out of the corner of her eye.

They'd seen each other for a grand total of two hours in the last month, and this is where he was taking things? Really? She took a second to sort herself out as his hands rested on her abdomen, his breath strong against her cheek. It wasn't…bad. It wasn't uncomfortable. It wasn't anything negative in any way shape or form. But it was new, and it was unexpected and it was sending tingles up and down her spine.

"Have I rendered you speechless, Officer Beckett?" he whispered against her cheek.

She rolled her eyes. Moment broken. "No, just hot. Get in the car, Rick."

He released her and moved away so she could open her door. "Hot, huh?" he grinned wolfishly.

"As in temperature," she replied with a shake of her head. "Honestly, sometimes I think you stroke your own ego just for the hell of it." She got in and bit her lip. Two slips in under 30 seconds—yeah, she was definitely _not_ affected by his presence at all. Of course not.

Deciding that Alexis was the perfect way out, she turned around to ask the girl if she was overheated, but found her fast asleep, her head lolling against the toy pressed against the window. And while she was happy the girl was sleeping, since she knew that the time change had bothered her, she desperately wanted a way to avoid the grin Rick was shooting her as he slipped into the passenger side.

Rick buckled in and glanced back at Alexis while Kate started the car. Then he turned and grinned at her as she steadfastly ignored him and pulled out of the slot, driving slowly toward the exit. She rummaged absently in the console, trying to find the few dollars she'd need to pay the ticket, before his hand stilled over hers.

"I got it," he said quietly, aware of the child asleep in the backseat.

"Thanks, but it's okay," she replied, glancing over at him.

"No, really. You dropped us off and came to pick us up. I can cover your parking."

"You sure it won't burn a hole in your pocket on top of those acting lessons?" she asked as they queued up behind a small chain of cars waiting to get out of the lot.

He narrowed his eyes at her as she turned to grin at him. "It's for the greater good," he replied. "Do you want her here?"

They moved up a car in line and Kate shook her head. "I don't actually know her, Rick."

"Trust me, that's to your benefit."

"Will I be meeting her, at any point?" she asked as they pulled up to the ticket booth and she grudgingly accepted the money Rick held out to her, along with the ticket he'd managed to swipe before she could grab it. "Thank you," she told the attendant, before driving out of the garage and getting onto the highway, melding into the slow-moving traffic.

"She said she'd be here for Alexis' Birthday in November, but probably not before."

"That's a while from now," Kate replied, slightly perplexed. She knew that they hadn't seen Meredith since November of the previous year, but she had somehow hoped that it wasn't a frequent thing.

"After the week we had, it's still too soon," Rick shuddered. "But don't worry, you'll get to decide for yourself."

"And why's that?" Kate asked as she merged into another lane and made the turn off to head back toward the city.

"Because Meredith wants to throw Alexis a big party, and Alexis is desperate for you to attend, and guess what day her Birthday is this year?"

"A Tuesday?" Kate supplied drolly.

"Aren't you so smart?" Rick grinned, pulling her free hand up to press a smacking kiss to the back of her palm.

She used that hand to lightly slap his face. "I'm not a dog, Rick."

"No, you're not," he replied with a leer.

"How was the rest of the trip, outside of audition auditions and acting lessons?" she asked, choosing to ignore his antics. He was on fire today.

"It was alright," he sighed. "Nothing great, nothing terrible."

"Publicity went well?"

"Yeah. I did a few signings and they're really revved up for the release next spring."

Kate glanced over at him. "And how far from finished are you?"

"A few more chapters. You wanna read for me when it's done?"

Kate blinked and did a mental check of her face. She wasn't grinning like a fool and bouncing up and down. That was an accomplishment. But she was smiling. Her favorite author—_her favorite author _—wanted her to be a first reader?

"Really?" she asked, proud of how even she sounded. This was amazing.

"Really," he replied. "You're smart, savvy, and you actually know what you're talking about."

"I didn't know you did first reads," she replied, instead of focusing on those compliments. It wasn't like he'd said she was beautiful, or that stars fell out of her mouth when she spoke and he danced on them, or something swoon worthy. The butterflies in her stomach begged to differ though.

"Not with a lot of people," he shrugged. "My mother reads them, when she has time, and sometimes I give them to Jim or Stephen, if they're not too busy."

"And with options like Patterson and Cannell, you're asking me?" If she wasn't careful, she might drive off the road. Why on earth would he want her to read his book if he had people like _that_ lined up?

"You're my best friend," he replied easily, sounding slightly confused. "And you know, sometimes it's nice to get an opinion from someone who isn't your competition, and might just like to curl up with a good book."

"I do like a good book," she smiled, catching his eye.

He beamed. "Awesome. You can proof read then!"

She reached over and whacked his shoulder while he laughed. "Like I don't already do enough paperwork, Rick," she groused.

"Fair, fair. But, you know, if you see a 'your' that should be a 'you're,' circle it?"

She nodded. She could do that. Hell, she _would_ proof it if it meant that she'd get to read it early. Oh, she needed to make sure that he never found out just how big a fan she was. That would be wholly too embarrassing.

"How was your week?" he asked, glancing back to check on his daughter, who was still fast asleep.

"It was busy," Kate told him. "Three homicides and lots of paperwork."

"Is three homicides good?" he asked, rummaging in his bag. "Gummy bear?"

She glanced at the bag he pulled out and rolled her eyes. What a child. "No thanks," she chuckled as he opened the bag and popped a few in his mouth. "And three homicides is…hectic. It keeps us busy and you don't focus on any one person, as a uniform. But it's…I don't know that three dead people are ever a good thing."

"Understandable," he said around a mouthful. She loved her job, but that didn't diminish the fact that the dead they investigated had been people too. Sometimes they had families, children, mothers, fathers—they were real.

"It's nice to have the day off," she admitted.

"Thanks for using it to cart us back from the airport."

She smiled. "Happy to do so. Are we ordering in?"

"Yeah. I'll have it delivered. How long, you think?"

Kate sighed a bit and stared at the traffic. "Another hour, probably," she replied. It was nearing five and the highway was beginning to fill out with rush hour traffic. Getting back onto the island and through to the SoHo loft would be difficult.

"Good that you have my charming company then, isn't it?" he grinned, extending a bear to her. "Please?"

She shook her head but took the proffered treat and popped it into her mouth. Green was always her favorite, and she smiled as she chewed. "Thanks."

"See, you do like them!"

"Never said I didn't," she replied.

"Well, you said yesterday that you couldn't stand sickeningly sweet things."

"That's because you tried to wax poetic with my name," she replied with a laugh. That had been something to hear. "And I can only take so much terrible poetry."

"But Kate, oh Kate, you're oh so great! This ride is sedate. I'm who you love to hate. I believe in fate, therefore, you'll be my mate!"

Kate pinched his arm. "Shut up, Rick," she mumbled. _I believe in fate, therefore you'll be my mate. _She couldn't even let her mind go near that one.

"Don't you believe in fate, Kate?" he laughed, grabbing her hand before she could take it back.

"I don't," she said firmly. Even if he seemed to, and even if it sometimes felt like meeting him and his daughter had been some sort of cosmic concoction, she didn't believe. Fate wouldn't take away her mother and drown her father. Fate wouldn't kill people the way she saw them murdered every day. Destiny wouldn't work like that.

"Why not?" he asked, a tinge of confusion and disappointment to his words.

"Because I spend all day with dead people," she replied. It was a simple answer, but as he squeezed her hand, she knew that it was good enough.

"I'm gonna change that."

For now, apparently. It was good enough for now. "Good luck."

He brought her hand up to his lips and pressed a soft kiss into the back of her palm. "You mark my words. I'm going to change it."

Kate gave him a soft hum of response, neither in encouragement nor discouragement. But his hands were warm over hers and her skin tingled pleasantly where his lips had been.

"And we'll start with having your father over for dinner. Have you asked him?"

"I was waiting for you to get home," she replied. "Are you sure?" Did he want to get involved? He could stay so safe, far away from the parts of her life that were ugly. He didn't have to delve into it with her, and try to help her fight her father's demons.

"I'm positive," he murmured as he squeezed her hand.

She let out a slow breath, and forced herself to concentrate on the road. She hadn't realized that she'd wanted him to say yes—that she'd wanted him to help her come back from that darkness. There was warmth settling in her chest and she glanced at him, finding herself confronted with steady, piercing blue eyes.

"Maybe family dinner is exactly what he needs," he added.

She didn't believe in Fate. But maybe she could start believing in them. Family. "Family," she breathed, sucking the air back in a second later, unable to believe that she'd said it out loud.

He laughed quietly.

"What?" she asked, feeling shy—a sensation she was not comfortable with.

"Nothing," he smiled. "What do you want for dinner?"

She smiled back at the distraction. Had he really gotten to know her so well? "Chinese sounds good," she replied.

"Done," he proclaimed. "So, road game? First one to three vanity plates gets the last egg roll?"

"You're on," she laughed.


	16. Chapter 16

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Let me know if you would like to change it, but right now, I don't own 'em.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Author's Note: It ran away. It did. It's so long. My God. But, I definitely want to know what you thought of this one. There's so much more to this story, but I thought this was pretty important. Okay, no more spoilers. Go read. **

**Emma**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 16:<strong>

"Beckett, if you don't stop fidgeting, I'm going to shoot you," Esposito grumbled on the second Monday of September.

"Sorry," she replied, crossing her legs and digging her heel into the ground. She couldn't help it. She was antsy. And she wasn't happy about it.

"What's got you all jittery?" he asked a few minutes later, when she'd lost the battle and started clicking her pen. It even irritated her, but she couldn't get herself to stop.

"Nothing," she mumbled, trying to avoid his gaze.

"Beckett."

"I'm having my Dad over for dinner," she replied after a moment. She and Esposito rarely did the 'sharing' thing. But he'd gotten to the station around the same time that she'd been coming out of everything, and he knew enough about her back-story to understand it.

"I'm sure it'll go well," he assured her. "And, you've had dinner with him before. You went out a few weeks ago, when I covered, right?"

"Yeah," she shrugged, filling out another line.

"So, what's the problem? You don't flap like this."

"It's a family dinner," she mumbled, feeling ridiculous. But Lanie was in an autopsy, Madison was at work, and calling Rick would hardly help. It was times like this that she was reminded of the fact that she was just nearing 24, and no matter how many hard knocks she'd had, she wasn't past being embarrassed by family dinners and potential boyfriends.

"Family dinner," he repeated. "Oh, with the kid and the kid's Dad?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah."

"I didn't know you and the kid's Dad were serious," he said, sounding vaguely protective.

Kate glanced over at him. "We're…not."

He narrowed his eyes at her, and she sighed, knowing that lying to a Detective-in-training was about as useful as sitting still for a lie detector. "So, you're telling me that you're all jittery about a dinner that means nothing?"

"Exactly," she replied, keeping her voice steady.

"Then shut up," he grinned, turning back to his own paperwork.

Kate shook her head. Esposito was a good guy. Maybe she'd have to convince Rick to invite him to a poker game. Or she could just…she and Esposito hadn't ever done anything really social. Maybe she'd invite him to the loft for poker with them and Lanie, and maybe Maddy?

Wait, she couldn't just decide to invite people to the loft. She didn't live there. She _didn't_. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair, which she'd taken down after they got back from canvassing earlier in the afternoon. She wrapped a strand around her finger and toyed with it as she filled out her last piece of paperwork.

Esposito was still watching her out of the corner of his eye, and she was tempted to slap that grin off his face, but she refrained. She stuck the paper in her out-bin and then stretched, glancing at the clock that sat next to the picture of Alexis on her desk. It was 5:15. She could leave.

"I'll see you Wednesday," she said to Esposito as she packed up her things.

"Have a good dinner," he replied with a genuine smile.

"Thanks. Have a good night."

He nodded and she strode out of the pen and into the women's room. She hastily changed out of her uniform and into a pair of jeans and a deep, red sweater she'd shoved in her bag that morning. She folded the uniform and stuffed it into her large purse before she did a once over in the mirror. Her make up was still intact from the day, and her hair looked decent. It was a little more devil-may-care that she usually went for, with wisps occasionally falling into her face, but she figured she could get away with it. And, after all, it was just Rick and Alexis, and her father, and Martha.

Kate took a deep breath and shook her head at herself. She was being ridiculous. There was absolutely no reason to work this evening up into something important. She reclipped her gun to her holster and slid her badge into her pocket before throwing her jacket back on and heading out of the Precinct. She hit the street and pulled her coat closed against the unseasonable chill and hailed a cab. She was in no state to drive, and she didn't like to flash her job at her father. Leaving your cruiser on the street did send a message of sorts.

She fidgeted on the ride over, her purse feeling overly large in her lap. She needed to get a hold of herself. This wasn't a big deal. It was _just_ dinner. She'd had dinner at the loft hundreds of times before this, with Martha as well. Her father wasn't going to cause that much of a stir.

She refused to open the door to the doubt, tonight. She wouldn't wonder about his condition, or his mental state, or how dark the shadows under his eyes were. She wouldn't worry about Alexis getting too attached. She wouldn't wonder whether he'd stick around long enough to stay in the girl's life.

She would just be Kate—young, happy, carefree Kate. She snorted quietly as the taxi stopped and she paid the fare. Carefree—you couldn't swing that adjective within ten feet of her. She walked into the building and waved to Eduardo, the doorman, who always had a smile for her. She stood in the elevator, watching the floors pass as she picked at a cuticle. Was it juvenile to hide yourself in your best friend's office while he had dinner with his mother, your father, and his daughter? Probably was.

She blew out a breath and squared her shoulders as the elevator doors opened and she strode to 504. She knocked and adjusted her bag, repeating, 'you'll be fine,' over and over in her head. She could rationalize almost every other part of their relationship, but dinner? No, that was apparently going to give her a panic attack and worry her into an early grave.

"And she's here!" Rick grinned as he opened the door. "Freaking out yet?"

"No," Kate lied, allowing him to pull her into the apartment. "Are your mom and Alexis back yet?"

"No, they'll get here at six," he replied, helping her out of her jacket and hanging it up. He leaned in and kissed her cheek, his hand resting on the small of her back. "Hi. Office?"

"Hi," she smiled, enjoying the greeting. She'd gotten used to that now. "And yeah, I've still got my gun. I came straight here." He nodded and guided her across the loft and into his office. "It's cleaner," she observed as she looked around.

His desk had been straightened, and all of his loose papers now sat in a few neat stacks along the right edge. Gum wrappers or pencils didn't surround his computer, and even the bookshelves along the wall looked like he'd rearranged them. She watched as he crouched down and opened the safe, refusing to meet her eyes.

"I am known to be tidy every so often," he said as he extended his hand for her gun.

She checked the safety and handed it over, along with her badge. "I never said you weren't. But this is…sudden. It wasn't this clean on Saturday night."

It had been a mess on Saturday, when they'd sprawled out on the rug together, using the floor like a giant scrabble board to put together pieces of a case he'd been working on.

_"That wouldn't work," Kate decided as she sat back to look at the various pieces of evidence they'd put together. "If he figures that out that early, then he'll have Drails too soon, right?"_

_ "Well, only if you think that's the definitive piece," Rick replied, plopping back down next to her as they leaned against the edge of one of the leather armchairs, about 30 papers spread out in front of them. "I was thinking that finding the knife would be a better leading clue."_

_ Kat shook her head, jostling his shoulder with the movement. "No, forensics would match DNA on the scrap of shirt before they found the murder weapon at the second victim's place."_

_ "Look at you with your insider's knowledge," he laughed. "Great. That puts me back a step, or we have to put something between the first murder, the shirt, and the second murder."_

_Kate stared at the double homicide laid out in front of them—Derrick Storm's latest case. It began with the discovery of the body of a wealthy Socialite, found dead in her town car. The woman had been stabbed and strangled, and at the moment, the only thing left in the car, besides the body, was a small scrap of the killer's shirt that had ripped off in the struggle. _

_ Rick was planning on waylaying Derrick by opening a second case, that would later track into the first, and may, or may not, become a serial. And he'd asked Kate to come over and help him lay it out, partly because she knew things, and partly because he'd been at it for hours and was bored. _

_ "Why leave the shirt?"_

_ "So that he has something to go on," he replied, rubbing a hand over his face. "Otherwise, I have to write him through canvassing and procedure, and no one wants to read that."_

_ "Yes, reality is just so tedious," Kate replied, nudging him. "Is that why your books never have uniforms running down pointless leads, or junior Detectives climbing into dumpsters?"_

_ "If I do that, I have to get rid of the girl in chapter seventeen, and the girl is what sells the books."_

_"You don't think people want to read about what it's really like?" she wondered, glancing down at the fake murder they'd laid out. It had been more fun than she'd thought, trying to piece it together with him. And she couldn't lie; it was fascinating to get to ask him these questions. _

_ "I think people want an escape," Rick replied after a minute of thought. "I think people want the thrill, the edge, but they don't really want the reality. My murders end, you know? People get justice, and the characters get…whatever it is they're looking for. The real world—correct me if I'm wrong—doesn't always end that way."_

_ Kate shook her head, feeling the slide of her necklace against her skin. "No, they don't."_

_ "So, I try to keep it moving. And, as important as uniform work is," he laid a hand on her knee and she gave him a small smile. "It's not the most fascinating part of the process."_

_ "Eh," she shrugged. "I still think you could give him a sidekick or something."_

_ "Fishing to end up in my books, Officer Beckett?" he grinned, turning to watch her for her reaction._

_ She met his eyes. "God, no," she laughed at his affronted look. "Can you imagine the flack I'd get for being your 'inspiration?' It would be horrible!"_

_ "I don't know," he considered her. "I think you'd make a pretty good leading character."_

_ "You have Derrick Storm," she said quickly, eager to stop whatever calculations were going on in his creative head. "Stick to what works."_

_ "He'll have to retire or something someday," he replied. _

_ "Yeah, well, that's a while from now. He's still young," she told him. It both warmed and chilled her to have him even considering the idea. _

_ "I'm sorry I conned you into this," he said after a pause._

_ "What?"_

_ "Well, you just spent all day doing this, and then I begged you to come over and do more of it with me. Can't be how you wanted to spend your evening."_

_ Kate leaned into him, looking out at the sea of papers. It had been fun, and a nice change from the grunt work. She didn't get to actually solve homicides yet, even if she was getting closer to pegging the perp these days. She was just a piece of the puzzle right now, and solving this one with Rick let her be the puppeteer for an evening._

_ "No, it's fun," she admitted. "I like this stuff."_

_ "We're odd people for this, aren't we?" he asked, turning to her with a grin. "I mean, I love plotting and solving my own murders."_

_ "We're something," she agreed. _

_He yawned and stretched his arms above his head, letting one fall across her shoulders as he dropped them. She couldn't help it; she laughed._

_ "What?" he asked, giving her his most innocent of smiles, his eye wide._

_ "Smooth, Romeo," she replied, even as she snuggled into his shoulder, oddly comfortable sitting on the floor. _

_ "What smooth? I thought that was pretty good," he replied, squeezing her against him. _

_ "If that's your game, Rick, then either you've gotten lucky with the ladies, or they have pretty low standards."_

_ "Ouch!" he exclaimed. "That one hurt, Katie."_

_ "Don't call me Katie," she grumbled. "And you'll survive."_

_ "Why can't I call you Katie?" he asked. _

_ "That's what my Dad calls me," she replied slowly. "And it was what my mother called me too." It just sounded oddly wrong, coming out of Rick's mouth. She didn't mind it when he called her Kate, and she was embarrassed to admit that she really liked it when he called her Katherine, something she'd never felt before; she wasn't in the habit of enjoying the sound of her full name. But 'Katie' was something only her parents ever called her._

_ "Understood," he told her softly. "No Katie. Katherine's still fair game?"_

_ "When you feel you need to," she shrugged, "Richard."_

_ He groaned. "I hate it when people call me that, but you do make it sound pretty good."_

_ She held in her smile. "Good to know, Richard," she drew the name out slowly, aware that she was toying with fire. He sagged next to her and pulled her closer, his lips finding their way to her ear._

_ "You're being mean, Katherine."_

_ It was like some sort of sick, twisted, completely too enjoyable game. Every time they saw each other, they had a greater breach of personal space, a greater breach of boundaries, and she didn't have the will to stop it. But she was hardly ready to be _Richard Castle's Girlfriend_, with her picture in the paper and her name all over the news._

_ "Can I ask you something?" she murmured._

_ He hummed in response and she rolled her eyes. It had been his own personal game to see how far he could push her—how much she'd allow before she gave in and slapped him, or pinched him, or twisted his ear, a tactic that had proved oddly effective._

_ "Why aren't you out?"_

_ There was a pause. "I would think that this would explain why I haven't come out of the closet," he breathed against her ear._

_ "Not that," she laughed. "I meant out, like out on the town? Wasn't Paula hounding you to get back in the papers?" It was something she'd wondered about since he'd gotten back from the Hamptons. Before they'd met, he'd made regular appearances in the paper, with Meredith, and then with a small slew of other women, getting himself seen at different clubs and bars. _

_ He sighed. "She has, and I'll have to start soon."_

_ "You don't sound happy about it," she replied cautiously. _

_ She could feel him weighing his words, his chest rising and falling against her arm as he rested his head on her shoulder. "I won't lie. I enjoy female company." Kate snorted and he chuckled against her. "No shock. And yeah, I had fun taking a different girl out every week after Meredith left—a kind of therapy, if you will."_

_ "Understandable," she murmured. It was. It might not be how Kate herself would deal with it, impenetrable walls around the heart were hardly healthier, but she could understand it._

_ "So, it's not all heinous. But I haven't been…interested, let's say, in tasting the flavor of the week in a while."_

_ His arm was warm around her shoulders and his breath was hot against her neck. It didn't take a genius to figure out what he was saying, and Kate was hardly stupid. But she couldn't think of something adequate to say. She knew where they were headed, and she knew that at some point, if she was going to let it happen, she'd have to face the press. But not now. And that created a bit of a problem if he needed to be getting himself on Page Six._

_ "But," he began slowly. "I will need to go out."_

_ "Also understandable," she whispered._

_ "You have a job."_

_ "Yes?" Well, that wasn't what she was expecting._

_ "And your job is important."_

_ "Right…"_

_ "So it wouldn't do for you to be all over Page Six, being scrutinized, and having your name appear everywhere."_

_ "No, it wouldn't," she agreed._

_ "I have a press engagement on Thursday, and I need a date," he continued softly. "And, while I'd love to take you, you'll be kind of busy with the real work thing."_

_ She nodded slowly. "Right."_

_ "So, I'm thinking of asking Gina."_

_ "Your Publicist?" Kate asked, surprised._

_ "Yeah. She's good with people, she wears a dress well, and she's not against getting her face in the paper."_

_ Kate let out a small laugh. "Those are your criteria? Wears a dress well?"_

_ He relaxed next to her, apparently comforted by the fact that she was laughing. "Well, yeah," he replied. "I mean…I'm not…objectifying…oh shut up."_

_ Kate continued to giggle and he frowned, bumping her shoulder with his chin. "Come on! Play fair. I'm not thrilled about taking her, but I have to."_

_ Kate felt the laughter slip away. This was the problem with their odd arrangement; with no rules, they ran into these problems. She wasn't jealous. She had no right to be. And she wasn't upset that he wasn't taking her. Legitimately, she was happy. She didn't enjoy being on display, and would hate it even more if she ended up on display in print._

_ "I hope you guys have fun," she said after a minute._

_ "We'll have a good enough time," he shrugged. "We're still having dinner with your Dad on Monday, right?"_

_ She nodded. "Yeah. That wouldn't have changed in the past hour."_

_ "Just checking," he said quietly._

_ Kate gave a small sigh. She couldn't explain it to Rick, but she understood his hesitance. No rules, no boundaries, no barriers—no security. She relaxed against his arm and moved her shoulder up and down, jostling his head. She felt him laugh and then he pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder, before leaning his head against hers. They'd talk about it another time. _

_ "What are we making?"_

_ "Dad likes chicken," she told him. "And Alexis eats chicken." _

_ "Someday she'll have a wider palate. But she likes wings; we discovered that in California."_

_ "You want to make my father chicken wings?" she asked with amusement. _

_ "A man's meal," he grinned. _

_ "Only if you're making your homemade french fries too," she decided. She'd been dying to get him to make them again, even though they were thoroughly unhealthy._

_ "Sounds like a plan," he replied. "And, you know, you can always just ask. You don't have to wait for me to present you with the opportunity. I know you love french fries."_

_ "Don't want to seem like a pig," she said. She was comfortable in herself, but there was just something awkward about asking a man to make you greasy food, and then having him watch you eat it._

_ "A pig? You?" he scoffed. "Come on. Even eating french fries, you're sexy."_

_ "I see your charm is ever intact," she replied._

_ "Oh, don't sell yourself short. You're quite the inspiration."_

_ She nudged him. "Drop it."_

_ "Ooh, hooker by day, Cop by night! That could be the tag!"_

_ She reached up and tweaked his ear, grinning as he yelped. "Bring it up again, and I tear it off."_

_ "Noted."_

"I cleaned because, well, I don't know if your Dad is gonna want a tour, and…shut up, Kate," he grumbled as she giggled. At least he was a little nervous too. Not that he actually had a reason to be. This dinner didn't mean _anything_.

"Sorry," she grinned as he stood. "So, what do we need to do for dinner?"

"I've got the chicken marinating, but you could help me cut up the potatoes," he said as he led her back out into the kitchen.

"Sounds good. You wanna cut while I peel?"

He nodded and they set to preparing the french fries. They worked in a content silence, moving around each other with ease. Her father was going to read too much into everything, she just knew it. Hell, she could read too much into the fact that she was more at home in his kitchen than her own. She wouldn't, but she could.

He popped the wings into the oven a few minutes before Alexis and Martha bustled in at six. Alexis came over to give each of them a hug before she scampered upstairs to put her backpack away. Martha settled herself at the counter, smiling as Rick poured her a glass of juice. Kate watched the exchange and felt a new affection for the matriarch, who was rarely without a glass of wine, especially in this house.

"How are you, dear?" Martha asked as Kate returned to peeling potatoes.

"I'm well, Martha. How are you?"

She smiled. "I'm doing rather well myself. Looking forward to meeting your father."

Kate glanced up at her as Rick bumped her with his hip in passing. "He's looking forward to meeting you too."

Martha considered the pair as they stood side by side, Rick chopping up the final potato. "And what exactly do we call this?" she waved a hand between them. "Since obviously neither one of us has been told, and we're bound to talk about it."

Kate coughed and Rick stiffened beside her. "Startlingly direct as usual, mother?" he asked, running a hand over Kate's back.

"Oh please," Martha laughed. "It's so thick you could cut it with fishing wire."

"We're, uh, friends, Martha," Kate said slowly, glancing at Rick, who nodded, though his hand traveled down to sit dangerously low on her back.

"Yes, we'll see how that works out for you both," Martha shrugged.

"How what works?" Alexis asked as she pranced back down the stairs.

"Adding hot sauce to the oil when we fry the potatoes," Rick replied smoothly.

Martha raised her glass to him and Kate shook her head with a smile. Trust Rick to have the perfect response. She really _couldn't_ hide out in his office all night, right? Because she was starting to have serious misgivings about having Martha and her father in the same room, since it sounded like Martha supported her father's not-so-subtle hobby of teasing her about Rick.

"Thinking about escaping?" Rick whispered in her ear as he leaned around her to grab the last shreds of potato and dump them into the garbage to her left. She met his eyes as he returned his body to her side.

"No. You?"

He grinned. "Not a chance. I enjoy an awkward evening with the parents."

"Me too!" Alexis added as she came to stand next to Kate on her other side. "Why is it awkward?"

"It's not," Kate replied as she wiped her hands and then looked down at the girl. "Did you have a good day at school?"

"Yeah. I like my class. But the reading's boring."

"Alexis is a bit too advanced," Rick supplied. "Tell Kate what your teacher said when you brought in your book."

"What book?" Kate asked, moving away from the counter to perch next to Martha while Rick fried the potatoes. Alexis followed her and leaned against the edge of her stool.

"_The Two Princesses of Bamarre_," Alexis replied. "It has a really great poem at the end, an epic, and my teacher, Mrs. Katniss, said that it was too advanced."

"Is that the book you showed me last week?" Kate asked, running a hand through the girl's long hair and remembering the book about the two princesses that had interesting language and a good plot.

"Yeah," Alexis sighed. "And I said I could read it, that I was half-done already, but she said no."

"Did you have to pick another book?" Martha asked, watching them as she always did. It barely bothered Kate now. It was just how Martha was—always watching, observing, _smiling_.

Alexis nodded. "I think she should bring in the fourth _Harry Potter_ and say, 'this is easier,' and see what she says."

Kate laughed. It wasn't a bad idea. "I think that sounds like a good plan, Alexis."

"But I've already read it," she replied petulantly. "I don't wanna read it again."

"Really? I could," Rick interjected.

Martha rolled her eyes and Alexis stuck her tongue out at him. "Well, you can read _The Two Princesses of Bamarre_ and just tell her you're reading the fourth book. You know it well enough to do a project on it or take a quiz, right?" Kate suggested.

"If I was just a month older I could be in third grade," she replied. "But yeah, I can do that."

"If she doesn't let her, I'm gonna go in and talk to her," Rick said as he took the first batch of fries out of the pan. "No one puts Baby in a corner."

"Huh?" Alexis asked, while Martha and Kate laughed.

"I'll watch it with you sometime, Alexis. It's from a famous movie."

"Oh," the girl replied just as the doorbell rang. "Your dad's here!"

Kate moved to get up but Martha was way ahead of her, striding over to the door before Kate was even standing. She followed, Alexis hanging onto her hand and bouncing in excitement. She threw a look to Rick, who pointed to the fries. Great. Very helpful. She glared at him and he grinned back. She lost the war when the wall blocked him from view.

"Hi, you must be Jim," Kate heard as they rounded the corner and came into the foyer.

"And you must be Ms. Rodgers, the actress. Pleased to meet you."

"The pleasure's all mine," Martha replied, stepping aside to let Jim into the apartment.

Kate was pleased to see that he looked completely put together. He wore a casual suit jacket over a green button-down and jeans, and his face was shaven. He grinned as he spotted Kate, and Alexis, who was standing partially behind Kate. She wanted to laugh—of all the times for this brave little girl to turn shy.

"Hi, Dad," she greeted, reaching out to give him a one-armed hug.

"Hi, Katie," he smiled. "You look good."

"You do too, Dad," she replied quietly. He stepped back and she tugged on Alexis' arm, bringing the girl out to her side. "This is Alexis."

"Hi," Alexis said quietly.

"Hi, Alexis. I'm Jim, Kate's father," Jim said kindly. Kate appreciated that he hadn't dumbed his voice down. She'd found that a surprising number of people tried to speak to Alexis in a higher, or 'soothing' tone of voice, and it irritated her.

Alexis obviously appreciated it as well, because she dropped Kate's hand and extended her own for Jim. "Nice to meet you."

He shook her hand. "It's nice to meet you too. I've heard a lot about you."

"You have?" Alexis asked, eyes wide as she turned to look up at Kate.

"Oh, please, Munchkin," she laughed, pulling her into her side as Alexis and Jim dropped their hands. "I talk about you constantly."

"Not as much as me," Rick said as he came into the foyer. "Mr. Beckett, it's a pleasure to meet you."

"It's Jim," her father chuckled. "And it's great to meet you too, Rick. I assume you're Rick, or you bear an uncanny resemblance to my daughter's favorite author."

She would begin regretting this meeting now. "The one and same," Rick replied as they shook hands. "We're glad to have you."

"Glad to be here. It smells amazing. What are we having?"

"Chicken wings and french fries," Alexis replied.

"Really?" Jim asked, looking surprised.

Kate smiled while Rick laughed. "Were you expecting high cuisine?" Martha asked him with a chuckle. "We only eat the fun stuff here."

"At least until I'm bigger," Alexis added.

"Well, chicken wings sounds great," he replied. "I'm starving."

"You're just in time. It'll be about five minutes until everything's ready," Rick replied. "Why don't we all go sit down?"

Alexis eagerly grabbed Jim's hand and they went first, followed by Martha, who watched them go with a smile. Kate went to follow and felt Rick step up behind her, wrapping an arm around her waist and pulling her back into him before she could walk out of the foyer.

"Favorite author?" he murmured, his cheek against hers.

Lie. Evade. Run. Run screaming from the rest of this dinner that was bound to be embarrassing. But his hand pressed against her stomach and she sighed, turning her head back to meet his eyes. "Don't let it go to your head."

"Too late," he grinned as he released her and moved his hand to her back, guiding her—forcing her—to enter the dining room.

Initially, she'd had reservations about introducing Jim to Rick and his family because her father had a drinking problem. Now she had reservations about introducing him because he had information that she didn't want revealed. Oh, God, the phases she'd gone through as a teenager…

She let Rick pull out her chair and she sat down, watching as he went to get the meal, and listening to Martha, Alexis and Jim get on quite well. Her father was smiling, genuinely smiling as he listened to Alexis' account of meeting Kate.

"She read to me for a long time, and then I fell asleep," Alexis finished.

"You'd had a long day," Kate added as Rick placed the wings and fries on the center of the table. "I'd have fallen asleep too."

"I don't like flying," Jim offered as Rick sat down. "Do you do it often?"

"We got back from California a few weeks ago," Rick replied. "Help yourselves. And I go to various places a few times a year."

"I never travel," Jim said while he and Martha took fries and Kate helped Alexis grab a few chicken wings, stealing five for herself before handing them to Rick, who added two more to her plate with a grin. She glared at him.

"I tour, sometimes," Martha added, smiling at her son as he passed her the wings. "But I haven't traveled for pleasure in ages."

"Katie went to Kiev a while back," Jim said as he took the wings from Martha. "Are those hot, Alexis?" he asked as Alexis reached hurriedly for her water.

Kate smiled and rubbed her back as the girl took a large gulp of water. "Just temperature wise," she said once she'd swallowed.

"Do you like really spicy food, Jim?" Rick asked.

"I do, but I'm not a very good cook," he replied, his voice slightly less cheerful. Kate's mother had been the chef in the family. Kate gave her father a smile and took the fries from Alexis as she passed them.

"What did you do there, Kate?" Alexis asked.

"I spent a semester there," Kate told her, dipping one of her fries in the excess sauce from her wings, mopping it up before it could form a red ring all around her plate. "I studied Russian Literature for a time."

"You speak Russian?" Rick asked.

"How do you think I won the bedtime bet?" she replied, grinning at him.

"Oh, I call foul then! We never said other languages were fair game."

Martha snorted. "And what would you have used, old English?"

"What was the 'bedtime bet?'" Jim asked, looking among them, thoroughly confused.

"Daddy and Kate bet on who could put me to sleep faster," Alexis replied easily as she licked a finger. "Kate won. She told me a poem in Russian and it sounded like a song and I fell asleep really fast. Daddy told me a story that made me more awake."

Kate smiled down at her. "Did this story involve espionage?"

"And lasers," Alexis replied, giggling. "But the main character sounded a lot like you."

"You better not have written that down," Kate said, turning to Rick.

"I make no promises."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "I will search your computer. I know your password."

"You do not," he laughed.

She shrugged and picked up another wing. Then she caught sight of Martha and Jim, who were grinning at them. "What?"

"Nothing," Martha replied, smirking as she took a sip of her juice.

"Are you like this all the time?" Jim asked.

"Yes," Alexis replied, making both adults laugh.

"I don't know that I like them teaming up on us," Rick murmured to her, leaning over to whisper in her ear. "I feel a bit like I'm 16 and on my first date with you."

She laughed and felt a small blush climbing her cheeks, which was just not conducive to the whole, 'it's not a big deal,' thing she'd been going for. "I don't think he brought a shotgun," she replied, listening as Alexis regaled Martha and Jim with the story of Rick making Kate fall on the ice rink nearly a year ago.

"Good. Does he have one he'll be bringing out at another time, you know, when he needs it?"

Of all the times to do this. "Your timing sucks," she replied, catching her father's eye, who winked at her. She smiled, because he looked happy, and like him, and he fit. She turned back to look at Rick and found him dangerously close to her face.

"I aim to be as disarming as possible," he told her, before he pulled back and tossed another wing onto her plate.

"Stop trying to fatten me," she grumbled.

Alexis looked over at them. "But you're really skinny. Daddy would need to feed you much more than he does for you to get fat."

"And you're running all the time," Martha added. "I can't count the number of times you've come here on less than five hours of sleep, and I see you least of these three."

"Martha," Kate protested, watching as her father's face darkened slightly. They didn't need to do this with him here. It wouldn't help his fears about Kate's job, which she knew he had. They'd fought about them often enough in the beginning. And his drinking…no, she'd worked hard to convince herself that none of it was her fault. Her having a dangerous job didn't justify his addiction.

She felt Rick's foot wrap around hers and his fingers found hers on the table, obscured by their plates and bowl of fries she didn't realize he'd put between them and the rest of the table. She squeezed his hand and met her father's gaze.

"They're always trying to exaggerate," she said, aware that as soon as the words flew from her mouth, they would sound like an excuse, which they were.

"I just like to tease her," Rick added. "She's in such great shape, it's hardly fair."

"Daddy hates exercise," Alexis added.

"That's not true!"

"Yes it is," Alexis giggled. "You said you hate the gym."

Rick gaped at her while Martha and Kate laughed. Jim looked less wary, but Kate had a feeling she'd be hearing about this the next time they spoke. "I don't like feeling so…"

"Inadequate?" Martha supplied.

"Famous," Rick argued, glaring at her.

"Yes, his ego doesn't need any body building," Kate added. Rick released her fingers and turned his gaze to hers.

"Kate thinks I'm perfect just the way I am, obviously," he grinned.

"Yes, that's what that meant, Rick. Of course," she replied, laughing as Alexis giggled into a chicken wing.

"I haven't seen a second picture of the two of you in the paper," Jim said as they all settled down. "So either you're not _that_ famous, or you're being careful."

Rick coughed into his drink and Martha turned to Jim while Kate patted him on the back. "I think we're going to get along swimmingly," she told the older man.

"I quite agree, Martha," he replied.

Alexis just watched everything with a smile and Rick turned to Kate, frowning. "Now I understand your anxiety. I don't like them teaming up on us."

"Welcome to the party," she muttered.

"So, Rick," Jim began, breaking them out of their quiet conversation. "When does your next book come out?"

"March," Rick replied.

"Are you nearly finished?"

"Oh, yeah. I had to get the manuscript in a week ago."

"Did you get to read it, Katie?"

Kate nodded and grabbed a handful of fries as a safety precaution. She'd _loved_ the book, and told Rick so, along with a handful of edits she'd found, because she'd seen them and couldn't help but needle him with them a bit. But now the problem was that there was someone in the room who knew exactly how much that had meant to her.

"That must have been exciting," Jim continued. "She's got notes all over those books."

"Really?" Rick asked, sounding far too eager for her taste.

"You met at a signing, right?"

"Yes, Dad. We did. I was just there to get a book signed, nothing more," Kate replied hurriedly.

"But instead you met me!" Alexis piped up.

"Yes," Kate smiled, looking down at her. "And that was so much better than getting a book signed by this one," she added, jerking her thumb at Rick. She glanced at her father and narrowed her eyes.

His widened and then his grin grew. "Well I'm glad it all worked out," her father said after a moment.

"Me too," Rick smiled. "Now, if everyone's finished, we can have dessert."

"What's for dessert?" Kate and Martha asked at the same time. The older woman in the red dress laughed.

"Cheesecake," Rick replied, "because I know how much everyone here loves that. Well, I assume. Jim?" He asked as he stood and gathered plates.

Martha went to stand but Kate shook her head and got up instead, quickly clearing the dishes away.

"Where do you think Katie got her love of it?" Jim chuckled.

Kate shot him a grin as she stacked the plates and brought them over to the sink. "Wash now, later?" she asked while Rick grabbed a knife and she reached up to get dessert plates.

"Later. You staying?" he asked quietly as the three at the table chatted away.

"Is it too pathetic if I say yes just to avoid a ride home with him?" Kate whispered, handing him a plate for the first slice.

"Might be, but if it means you're staying later, then I don't really care," he replied, leaning in to bump her shoulder with his. "And I can't blame you. I'm glad mother will leave too."

"Evil, the two of them," Kate added as they watched their parents watch them.

"It's going well, though," Rick murmured.

She turned and met his gaze as they plated the last piece. "Yeah, it is."

"He seems good."

"I think so," she replied.

"Get back there before they plot something?"

"Definitely," she laughed as they each took a few plates and passed them out.

"Did you make this cheesecake?" Jim asked a few minutes later as everyone moaned in appreciation.

Rick shook his head. "I can cook, but not like this," he laughed.

"Katie, do you still make cheesecake like this?"

"You make cheesecake like this?" Rick gaped. "And you've been holding out?"

Kate sighed. "I…uh, haven't in a long time," she replied carefully. She hadn't so much as baked a cake since her mother had died. But she didn't need to tell her father that now, or ever.

"Oh," Jim replied. He knew anyway, and Kate wanted to kick herself for making that smile fall off his face.

"You're teaching me soon," Rick said with a grin, his foot finding hers under the table again. She glanced at him and smiled. "Though, we may need supervision so I don't eat all of it. Alexis, you game?"

Alexis nodded. "Next week?" she asked.

"Maybe Tuesday afternoon," Kate nodded. "It'll take too long to get it done on Monday night."

"Three dinners a week or more," Martha murmured to Jim, who smiled again. Both Kate and Rick swung their gazes over to her. "What? It's a statement of fact."

"Do you have a problem with facts, or do you just like to make yours up?" Jim added, causing both Rick and Kate to gape at him. "What, too forward?" he asked Martha.

"Fast, fast friends," she grinned, clinking her glass with his.

"Never again?" Rick said, turning to Kate.

She lifted her glass and clinked it with his. "Definitely."

"But I like having everyone here," Alexis interjected, causing all four adults to look at her.

"We like being here," Martha replied.

"And we will do this again," Rick added. "We're all just…well, they're teasing us," he gestured to Martha and Jim, "but we're old enough to handle it."

"Speak for yourself," Kate laughed. "But yes, if you're free again sometime soon Dad, we should do this again."

"Cheesecake mandatory," Rick grinned.

Jim smiled. "I would like to do this again. It's been very illuminating."

"It's really bright in here," Alexis nodded. Everyone bit his or her lips and Jim smiled at her.

"Exactly, Alexis," he replied. "Everything here is very bright—practically gives off it's own glow."

Kate narrowed her eyes and shook her head at him, but he ignored her and checked his watch. "I hate to do this, but I have to go," he said, turning to look at Alexis again. "I really enjoyed meeting you."

"Me too," Alexis smiled.

"I'll see you soon." She nodded and he turned to Martha, extending his hand. "It's been a delight, Ms. Rodgers."

"Oh, dear, you must call me Martha. And I'll take my leave as well, kiddos," she added and they both stood. "Share a cab, Jim?"

"That sounds like an excellent idea," he laughed. "You kids have a nice night."

Kate and Rick went to get up, but their parents collectively waved them off, and then, with blown kisses extended from Alexis, they left the room. Kate knew her father was headed to an AA meeting, and tried to use that knowledge to ignore the fact that he was now getting into a cab with Martha Rodgers, and they were going to talk about Rick and Kate all the way to Martha's apartment.

"I like him," Alexis told them.

Rick smiled. "I like him too. And he likes you."

"That he does," Kate added. "I haven't seen him smile so much in a long time."

"Why?" Alexis asked as Rick stood and got the dishes, laying a hand on Kate's shoulder when she tried to get up to help.

What should she tell Alexis? She hadn't ever told her much about her mother, and she certainly wasn't about to get into specifics with the girl. But, she…she took a deep breath. "My mother died a few years ago. You knew that." Alexis nodded slowly. "And my Dad, he just misses her, you know? So, he's been sad. But this made him happier."

Alexis' gaze lightened and she smiled. "I'm glad."

"Me too, Munchkin," Kate agreed. It was wonderful to see him smile. And maybe Rick was right; maybe dinners and family and support would be enough this time. She had to hope they would be. Because after seeing him so happy, she didn't think she could bear…

"Kate?"

"Yes?"

"Do you miss your mom?" she asked quietly.

Kate blinked and sucked in a breath. Alexis did this sometimes—came out with questions that you never expected. She reached out and ran a hand through the girl's hair. "Every day," she whispered honestly.

"I'm sorry," Alexis replied getting up so that she could stand next to Kate and wrap her arms around her.

"Thank you," she murmured into the girl's hair. "But I'm okay."

Alexis pulled back. "How?"

Kate sighed and considered the little girl in front of her. She may not know the sly meaning of 'illuminating,' but she understood that Kate was hurting, and that even a few years weren't enough to erase the wound her mother's death had left behind.

"I talked to someone for a long time, after she died. And I have friends, like you and your father, who make me happy," she told her. It was the truth. It was the watered down truth, but it was truth nonetheless.

"You make us happy too," Alexis told her, her face lit in a smile.

Kate simply pulled her back in for another hug, and then felt her yawning against her shoulder. "Tired?" she asked. Alexis stepped away and nodded. "Do you want me to help you get ready for bed then?"

Alexis shook her head. "I shower on my own now. Mommy taught me," she beamed proudly.

Kate gave her a small smile and watched as the girl pranced out of the room and up the stairs. She sat there, staring after her. Meredith had taught Alexis how to check the water temperature and do her hair, and manage everything. Did she want Alexis to grow up so quickly? There was no harm in still having help in the bathroom at seven. Kate shook her head. She sounded crazy. She had no reason to be jealous of Meredith, or what she taught Alexis, or how she was slowly sapping the childhood out of her daughter…No, she couldn't go there. It was too confusing, and multiple sorts of inappropriate.

Thought the other thoughts swimming through her mind were no less troublesome or confusing. She didn't want to get her hopes up about her father, she really didn't. But it had already happened, and no amount of convincing was going to make her hope any less. And she'd dragged that little girl with her. And Rick. And Martha.

She sighed and leaned forward to put her head into her hands and close her eyes. After a minute, she felt heavy hands settle on her shoulders.

"You okay?"

"Yeah," she mumbled, sitting up and leaning back to look up at him. "Just…thinking."

"It'll be alright, Kate," he told her, squeezing her shoulders.

"You can't know that," she whispered. "And I really want to believe it. But I did…and then I ended up in the Hamptons, crying into your shoulder. And now Alexis…"

"Will understand if we don't see him for a few weeks somewhere down the road. But this is good for him. And it's good for you," he told her, his eyes warm and twinkling. "Families exist, and we can put this one back together."

"Why are you doing this?" she asked, the question pouring out. It had been digging at her for weeks, and try as she might to just overlook it, she wanted to know.

He considered her for a moment before he moved around her and pulled his chair over, so that he sat with his knees bumping her thighs. He reached out and took her hands in his, staring at her in a way that made her know he was about to say something that would blow her over. He had a pensive, piercing, adoring look whenever he did it.

"Because you took care of my kid when she had the chicken pox, and built her a crab corral when she was sad, and picked me up when I was down, and let us adopt you into our crazy world. Because your smile can light up a room and I like seeing it," he squeezed her hands and then left one so that he could bring his to her cheek and stroke his thumb across her skin. "Because you're amazing and I want to see you happy. And because you're my best friend, and I would do anything for you."

He'd brought her to tears. Damn him. "I…thank you," she whispered as he wiped away the lone tear that slide down her cheek.

He smiled at her and then his smile turned mischievous. "And when we get married, your Dad needs to be sober, because my mother surely won't be, and we can only have one alcoholic parent. Two would be disastrous."

Kate let out a surprised giggle. "Rick," she admonished, even as the declaration made butterflies erupt in her stomach.

It was the first time, since their call all those weeks ago, that he'd brought up the idea of marrying her. And while her rational self recognized this as yet another moment in which she needed to _step down_, her romantic self swooned just a little bit; he was still thinking about it.

"What? It's a statement of fact." He leaned in so that there were mere inches between their faces. "Do you have a problem with facts?"

"No," she breathed, glancing at his full, warm lips. "But I hear you like to make them up."

"What, too forward?" he asked, not bothering to move away. Instead he raised his other hand from hers and used it to turn her toward him a bit more, so that they faced each other head on.

She should probably have been more bothered by the fact that they were using their parents' words, but she couldn't really focus on anything but his breath and smell and _eyes_. "No," she whispered.

"Hmm," he replied, and then he leaned all the way in and pressed his lips to hers.

She stiffened for a moment and then relaxed, unable to think of much more than how incredibly soft his lips were, and how good his hands felt against her cheeks, and how her fingers so easily found his blue button-down and rested against his strong chest. Unexpected, and unprepared, but so deliciously perfect—the kiss was everything she'd thought it would be. Not that she'd been…who was she kidding? God, his lips felt good and his hands were strong and…oh, no, not yet.

"How 'bout that?" he whispered as he pulled back.

"Hmm?" she replied, opening her eyes slowly to meet his.

"Too forward?"

She shook her head, slightly dazed. There were questions at the back of her mind, spinning dizzily. Questions like, what? And why? And what now? And can we do that again? And should we do that again? But she couldn't really pay attention to them. Her heart was hammering and she was too overcome by a bizarre feeling of peace and giddiness.

"No," she whispered as she collected her thoughts. "Just…uh…"

"Yeah," he replied, smiling.

"So, good dinner?" she asked, once she could think even slightly straight.

He laughed. "Good dinner."

"Daddy?" they heard from the second floor.

"Coming, Pumpkin!" he called. "You wanna grab us some wine? We've earned it."

Kate nodded and he stood, grinning a bit goofily at her before he tromped up the stairs. She watched him go and then stood, mechanically grabbing a bottle of wine and some glasses. She'd just been kissed by Richard-freaking-Castle. She smiled and walked into the living room, setting the glasses and bottle on the table. Then she stood there, arms crossed over her chest, staring around. She'd kissed Rick, or rather, he'd kissed her.

What did it mean? What were they now? Did things have to change? She liked them the way they were. And what about Alexis? Were they ready to make a long-term commitment so that the little girl didn't end up heartbroken? Was Kate ready for that? She wasn't ready to be a Mom. Was she already there though? She tucked Alexis in some nights, and took her shopping, and played with her, and kissed her and hugged her…

She raised a hand up and began biting at her thumbnail as she worried over all of it. Then there were soft steps behind her and she turned to see Rick walking back into the room.

"She wanted a kiss from you too, but then she passed out," he chuckled. "I've got to stop leaving her with my mother. She wears her out."

Kate laughed and nodded as he walked up and stood in front of her. Without her heels, she had to look up at him and she found him smiling down at her, looking completely at ease.

"You're worrying," he murmured.

Deny it? She couldn't deny it. She was freaking out. "So?"

"So don't," he replied, wrapping an arm around her. "Nothing's changed."

"No?" she asked, interested in his answer. Interested in him. Interested in…no. No. _No_. Not going there.

"Same thing as always. I just get to do this now," he replied, leaning down to capture her lips as he threaded his other hand into her hair to cup the back of her head.

She sighed against his mouth and then groaned as he sucked her bottom lip between his teeth. Her hands wound up his chest and around his neck as sensible thought left her. They didn't move to deepen the kiss, but it was passionate, and frenzied, and smooth, and languid all at once. When they had to come up for air, Rick pressed his forehead to hers and kissed the tip of her nose.

"See? Same best friends. Same Monday night dinner. Same everything. Just, you know, with kissing."

"And you're satisfied with just kissing?" she murmured, realizing that it came down to that. She needed time, and she knew it. But he had to be willing to give it. Part of her felt like she was ridiculous, acting like a fourteen-year-old child. But on some level, she was waiting for the other shoe to drop, for him to step back and say it wasn't worth it, that she wasn't worth it. Because life had taught her that no one stayed, no matter what. Life took people, or they left, or…

"Yes," he whispered.

Or they answered your question with 'yes,' and left you breathless for an entirely different reason. "Yes?"

He chuckled and pulled her in for a hug, leaning his head against hers as she buried her face in his neck. "Do I get to greet you with a kiss?"

"Sure," she murmured.

"Do I still get to poke you and tease you and call you at ten every night?"

"Of course," she whispered, smiling as his hands ran up and down her back.

He pulled back and took her hands, tugging her with him so that they collapsed down onto the couch. He leaned forward and poured them both glasses of wine, holding one out to her as he leaned back next to her, their sides smashed together.

"There are easier women to have sex with," he said after a pause, causing her to choke and look over at him. What? "There are easier women to date."

"I'm not sure where you're going with this, but you're not earning any points," she managed around coughs. He lifted his arm and rubbed her back as she quieted. This line of statements made no sense at all. He left his arm there and pulled her into his shoulder.

"And there are easier women to charm," he continued with a light chuckle. "But there's no one else I want to sit on my couch and drink wine with, or go to the zoo with my daughter with, or have awkward dinners with our parents with."

Kate smiled and leaned her head against his shoulder. "Good answer," she murmured.

"See, I'm known to be correct on occasion," he replied. "Now, movie, or do you want to speak Russian for me?"

She slapped his chest with her free hand. "How long have you been waiting to ask me that?"

"Oh, man, ever since dinner. Your Dad is a gold mine of information."

"Yes, well, Martha has baby pictures that I've already seen," she countered. Man, were some of _those_ a gold mine of psychological information.

He gasped in mock-outrage. "That's unfair!"

"Hey, it's her job to embarrass you. It's his job to protect me."

"I'm not going to hurt you," he said, his voice somewhere between petulant and deadly serious.

"No, I don't think you will," she replied after a moment. He leaned down and kissed her head, pulling her further into his side.

"But I'm totally gonna get you to speak Russian one of these days."

She knew exactly when she'd be speaking Russian, but it would be cruel to tell him about that right now.


	17. Chapter 17

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Yes. I'm Andrew Marlowe. Totally. It's the truth. No lies…*snicker***

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 17:<strong>

Kate jerked up as a hand slammed a newspaper down on her desk.

"Explain," Lanie demanded, tapping Page Six of the Ledger. The paper covered the paperwork Kate had been trying to finish, and Esposito was snickering at the next desk. A few other people, including Karpowski, were watching with thinly veiled interest and Kate scowled up at her friend.

"Explain what?" Kate asked in a hushed whisper. "And don't talk so loud."

"Explain this," Lanie replied, jabbing at the paper again.

Kate glanced down at it and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, so?"

"So?" Lanie protested, sitting down in the chair beside Kate's desk and adjusting her scrubs. "So? That's your boy, with some blonde bimbo!"

"She's not a bimbo," Kate replied easily, looking at a very nice photo of Rick and Gina, arm in arm at a gallery opening the previous night. Rick was laughing and Gina looked…nice.

"You're defending her?" Lanie gasped. "But I thought," she leaned in so that their heads were close together under the lamp on the upper left corner of Kate's desk. "I thought you two were, you know…"

"We're not a _thing_, Lanie," Kate explained. "And they're just friends, anyway. She's his Publicist."

Lanie glared at her. "First, you should have told me. Second, what the hell? Why aren't you out there with him, _thing_ or not? And third, you're not a thing? I beg to differ."

Kate glanced around the room and was pleased to see that their whispers had deterred everyone but Esposito. She shot him a look and he returned to his work. Everyone was so nosy. And honestly, could Lanie have picked a worse time?

"I didn't tell you because it's not a big deal. I'm not out with him because I'm here, or haven't you noticed? And finally, we are not a thing."

"Are you going over there for dinner, like always?" Lanie asked, arching an eyebrow.

"Yeah," Kate shrugged.

"You're telling me that it's been a month since that explosive kiss and you're not a thing yet? What the hell are you?"

Friends who made out on the couch? A pseudo-family? Friends with limited benefits? Unhealthy? Too healthy? Scared? Cautious? Busy? "We're…complicated," Kate replied.

"BS," Lanie scoffed. "You're not complicated at all. You love him. He loves you. End of story."

"No one said anything about love," Kate snapped. "And what have I said about discussing things in the fishbowl?" She couldn't use her gun. She couldn't use her martial arts training. She would not hit her friend. She wouldn't.

Lanie shrugged innocently and sat back in her seat. "So, what are you and the non-boyfriend doing tonight? Anything special?"

"Having dinner with his kid, like always," Kate replied tersely. "And thanks to this little interrogation," she handed the paper back to Lanie. She didn't want to read the article. There was nothing between Rick and Gina. She knew that. She just didn't want to read about them. "I am now behind on my paperwork."

"You keep putting it off and that man is going to leave you," Lanie warned her.

Kate looked over at her and felt something clench in her stomach. "Shut up," she said quietly. She couldn't tell whether she sounded angry, hurt, confused, or worried. Perhaps it was a combination of all four. Grungy suspects in dirty bars? No problem. One quip from a friend, and she was totally green. Swell.

Lanie's eyes widened. "Hey, no. I didn't mean…Kate, that man adores you."

"Yeah," Esposito said, leaning across the aisle. You couldn't trust him to stay out of it if your life depended on it. "No man sticks around without sex unless the girl's really special."

Kate considered him, oddly flattered. "Thanks, Esposito."

"And you're hot," he added with a grin.

"Moment ruined. But thank you," she laughed, turning back to Lanie. "Any plans for your evening, Miss Parish?"

"None," Lanie smiled. "Just relaxing."

"Sounds good," Kate replied, deciding to push it all away. She'd have dinner with Rick and Alexis, and she could just forget about the Ledger, and the other instances of 'Rick on Page Six' that month, and her Mother's Anniversary and everything else. She could do that. No problem.

"Happy Birthday, by the way. I have a present for you the next time we go out," Lanie said casually a few minutes later.

Okay. Problem. "It's your Birthday?" Esposito asked, grinning as more heads turned back their way.

"Yes," she responded, curt and uninviting. She hated her Birthday, and going to Rick's on it would be enough of a strain, no matter how much she loved them. Loved _Alexis_. She couldn't handle this. "It's no big deal."

"The big 24," Lanie needled. "Feeling your age, Kate?"

Kate glanced around the pen and sighed. Then she shot a look at the clock and grinned. "Very much. I'm going to be immature and cut out to avoid all of you," she said cheerily, slamming her pen down and tossing her finished paperwork into the file holder.

She scooped up her bag and jacket, tossed a pencil at Esposito and shot Lanie a small smile. "See you Wednesday."

"Beckett!" Lanie called as Kate walked away.

"Happy Birthday!" Esposito added, sounding both a bit put out and dangerously amused. Kate just waved over her shoulder and jumped into the elevator.

Once the doors had closed, she leaned back against the wall and let out a large, tired sigh. That had been playing dirty on Lanie's part, on all accounts.

_Richard Castle, famous novelist, has been seen out on the town with his Publicist Gina Cowel. The two have been spotted at numerous parties and publicity events, always laughing and smiling. Could this eligible New York Bachelor be off the market?_

Kate had read the articles, even if she pretended that she didn't. And every one made that stupid little green monster crawl out of her subconscious and run amok with her emotions. It was ridiculous, especially in light of the fact that Rick was so clearly uninterested in Gina. He'd gone so far as to call _Kate_ during one of the press functions, hiding out in the men's room to chat for ten minutes with her.

The way he ran his hands over her arms as they watched movies, or found ways to constantly touch her when they talked or stood around, should have been comforts to Kate. The way his lips trailed up her neck when she cooked, the way he wrapped his arms around her at the park and chatted with her while they watched Alexis on the playground, the way he called every day, without fail, to say good morning now—it should have stopped the niggling doubts.

It was Kate's decision to keep things under wraps and forego even slightly formal labels. It was Kate's decision to keep wearing sunglasses and have Rick wearing hats—not that he minded. The whole thing was one big CIA conspiracy for him, and he got Alexis in on it. Not that Alexis really understood. They were careful to keep the physical contact to a minimum—a somewhat and wholly blurry minimum—around her. But she knew something had changed, even though it was never discussed.

And Kate, she couldn't remember a time when she'd been happier. So the irrational jealousy was starting to eat at her. Rick had caught her out on it once, when she'd gone over for breakfast the previous week, and he'd grinned for an hour. It was cute. It was horrible. It was handsome. It was infuriating. It was Rick, because only he could be that contradictory.

"_Morning," he beamed as he opened the door._

_Kate smiled back and walked into the apartment, dropping her purse onto the side table in the hall while he closed the door. Then his arms were around her waist and he'd buried his head in her hair, his lips making their way to her neck._

"_Hi," he murmured against her skin. _

_She rested her hands on top of his and sighed happily. "Hi."_

"_Missed you."_

_She laughed and turned around in his arms so that she could look into his beaming face. "You saw me last night."_

"_I know." He leaned in to press his lips to hers._

_Kate wrapped her arms around his neck and melded into him, enjoying the warmth of his hands on her back and neck and the feel of his lips against hers. His mouth was talented and soft and, yes, the way he liked to suck on her bottom lip was probably one of the highlights of her day. It didn't bother her anymore that they were standing in his foyer, necking like teenagers. It was just how they said hello, as long as Alexis wasn't around. _

_Air, unfortunately, is a substance humans can't do without. And so they parted and Rick rested his forehead against hers. "So, coffee?" he asked after a quiet moment, in which they shared breath and Kate attempted to regulate her heartbeat. _

"_Sure," she replied, enjoying the way he took her hand and tugged her into the kitchen, sitting her down on a stool and bending down for a chaste peck before bustling around the kitchen. "Did Alexis cart that huge diorama off okay?" she asked, remembering the large project that had been sitting on the dining room table the previous night._

"_I had to walk all the way to her class with it, but yeah," he chuckled. "God, I got mobbed on the way out. It was horrible."_

"_All those desperate mothers?" she asked, grabbing the paper and scooting it over so she could glance at the headlines for the day. She so seldom actually got to read the paper, and Rick got all of them every day._

"_Yes. And not just the young ones," he continued. "I had about six older nannies asking for my autograph. And you don't even want to know where one of them…"_

_He kept talking but Kate was no longer listening. Her eyes were glued to the headline she'd spotted while heading for the Sport's section. There, as the main item on the Ledger's Page Six, was a picture of Rick and Gina from the previous Friday, arms around each other as they danced at the Smile Train benefit. The tag read: "Richard Castle, Out on the Town Again." _

_Kate wasn't quite sure what she was feeling. It wasn't anger, or hurt. She'd known Rick was going. Hell, she'd kept Alexis company and then done paperwork in his office while he was there. So, it wasn't shock, or upset. What was it then? What was the nagging, clenching feeling that had her wanting to stand up and press him up against the counter, devouring every inch of him she could find, and leaving a few marks behind in her wake?_

"_What's up?" Rick asked, sliding a cup of coffee in front of her. "You totally tuned…oh." He stood behind her, one hand resting next to hers so he leaned around her, his arm over her back. "It's not a bad picture, right?"_

"_No, no," Kate shook her head and closed the paper over Gina's smiling face. "No, it's great Rick. And look, you're out."_

_She studiously kept her gaze down as she took a few sips of her coffee, trying to quell the growing urge to kiss him silly. It was ridiculous. It's not like the picture meant anything. It didn't. And he wasn't cheating on her. There wasn't anything to cheat on. It was…oh, hell._

_She put her coffee down and turned, grabbing a fistful of his shirt and dragging him down to her in a searing kiss. She swirled her tongue along his bottom lip and consumed his mouth, pulling out every trick she'd ever learned until he was totally wrapped around her and leaning heavily against the counter with his hip to stay standing. He pulled back after a minute and gaped at her, panting._

"_What…Kate…I," he gasped. "Not that I'm…wait," his eyes sparked and she bit her lip. Come on, Rick, don't do it. "You're…but Kate, really?"_

"_What?" she asked, going for nonchalant. Of course, the fact that her blouse was bunched where he'd snuck his hand beneath the sheer fabric to grab at her hip, kind of ruined that effect._

"_You're jealous," he stated, his face breaking into the most simultaneously infuriating and endearing grin she'd ever seen._

"_I am not," she replied adamantly. She wasn't, right? She couldn't be. That would be ridiculous. And true. It would be ridiculous and true, and where was a pillow? She wanted to scream into one, or suffocate herself._

"_You have no reason to be jealous," he told her, going for comforting but failing, because he was still wearing that shit-eating grin._

"_Shut up," she grumbled, reaching for her coffee and shoving the paper away._

_He leaned down and wrapped his arm back around her shoulders, pressing his forehead against her temple. "Believe me, Gina's got nothing on you, dancing wise. Or body wise. Or mind wise." He nipped at her earlobe and laved it with his tongue and she gave a breathy sigh, completely out of her own control. "And she doesn't make _that_ sound," he murmured into her ear. "So, you win, hands down."_

_She shrugged and he took that as carte blanche to continue his assault on her ear, and neck and cheek. Kate sighed and relaxed against him, unable to fight the smile, or sigh, or occasional moan. He knew just where to kiss and touch and rub to make her melt, and she was sure that he never did this with Gina. He nuzzled her jaw and she smiled. No, he never did this with Gina. _

Kate got out of the cab, having spent the whole ride convincing herself that she was not jealous, and that she'd be able to control what was sure to be an over-the-top explosion of Birthday passion at the Castle loft. As she walked into the lobby and Eduardo wished her Happy Birthday, she knew neither was possible. She gave him a warm smile and then stepped into the elevator. When the doors closed, she let the smile fall off her face and she closed her eyes, taking a few deep breaths.

She had nothing against Birthdays in general. In fact, for most other people, she enjoyed them. She just didn't like her own. It was so close to the day her Mother died, and that year she hadn't gone home for the night, and so the last Birthday…it was just too full of bad memories. But she hadn't had the heart to refuse Alexis the request of seeing her on her Birthday, especially not when it fell so conveniently on a Monday. Rick had asked a few times if she was sure, and she'd just plastered on a smile. He'd weasel it out of her anyway at some point.

She took a deep breath as she stepped out of the elevator and walked over to the apartment. She knocked and waited, running a tired hand through her hair. She hadn't bothered to check how messy it was. She suddenly wanted nothing more than to curl up on the couch with Rick on one side and Alexis on the other.

"Happy Birthday!" Alexis yelled as she opened the door.

"Thank you," Kate smiled down at her. She didn't have to force this one.

"Come on!" Alexis added, grabbing her hand and pulling her into the loft, letting the dorm slam shut behind them. "Dinner's ready."

Kate laughed and allowed herself to be led into the kitchen, where Rick was finishing off stovetop fried chicken and cubanelle peppers sautéed in olive oil. There was a pot of couscous cooking next to the chicken and Kate couldn't stop the feeling of relief and home from spreading over her. Birthday be damned, she was happy to be here. And he'd made her favorite meal for her Birthday too. That man.

The man in question looked up as Alexis skidded around him to grab plates and napkins. He met Kate's eyes and grinned, flipping off one of the burners before walking around the counter to meet her.

"Happy Birthday," he said quietly as he leaned in and gave her a gentle kiss. Alexis was too busy plating the table to care and so Kate allowed herself the moment of pleasure and then wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his shoulder.

"Thanks," she murmured.

"You okay?"

She nodded and then stepped back. "Okay and hungry," she said with a smile. Maybe she wouldn't have to pretend for the whole evening.

"Then let us feed the Birthday girl," he laughed, taking her hand and leading her to the table before pulling her chair out for her.

She sat and watched as he quickly drained the chicken and set it on a plate. He brought the chicken over and Kate served the three of them while he grabbed the couscous and peppers. He served them and Kate watched as Alexis happily began eating her couscous. Kate took pride in knowing that she'd convinced the girl to try it for the first time.

"How was your Birthday day?" Alexis asked.

"Yeah, do anything really cool?" Rick added.

Kate laughed. "If you consider getting to sweep a few subway station bathrooms cool."

Alexis wrinkled her nose. "Ew! They made you do that on your Birthday?"

"A Birthday isn't a get out of work free card at the NYPD," Kate told her.

"Oh, come on, Montgomery didn't let you interrogate someone, or, I don't know, do something Detective-y?" Rick asked.

"That's next year."

"Are you excited about that?"

Excited was putting it lightly. "I am," she replied with a large smile. "It'll be fun."

"What's the difference between Detective and Uniform?" Alexis asked.

Rick put his head in one hand and turned wide eyes on Kate. She shook her head at his antics and then tried to figure out the uncomplicated, kid-friendly-yet-informative answer. "Uniforms help Detectives catch murderers. You know that." Alexis nodded. "But Detectives use all the clues they find, and the Uniforms find, to solve the cases. So, if I find a shirt that ripped off a bad guy's back when he was robbing our victim, the Detective uses that information to get a warrant and search the person's house."

"So you're like…one of Santa's elves?"

"Ooh. I like that comparison," Rick grinned.

Kate laughed. Of course he would. "I don't know that I like thinking about myself and Esposito being dressed in elf costumes, but yes, that's the general idea, Alexis."

Rick just couldn't stop laughing. "Oh, make that my Christmas present?" he asked with barely withheld glee. "Please, pretty please."

Kate laughed. "Okay. Esposito in an elf costume it is."

Alexis giggled while Rick's gaze changed to something Kate could really only classify as guardedly wolfish. It was subtle, but it was there. "You won't dress up for me, Katherine?" he asked.

And he'd called her Katherine. That was unfair. But, she could fight fire with fire. And Alexis just thought it was funny. They should probably worry more about the subliminal damage this was doing to her when they engaged in these very tame, yet so very not tame, interchanges at dinner.

"You want to see me in a little green number with elf ears, Mr. Castle? It's a little Lord of the Rings, isn't it?"

His eyes darkened. Oh, no, please tell her that he didn't have that fetish. "I can do without the ears, but the little green number and a hat would be perfect."

It would be hard not to, with the look he was giving her, practically devouring her with his eyes. Assuming they'd reached that point by then, she knew that would be exactly what she got him. And how could they not have reached that point by then?

"Aren't you guys hungry?" Alexis asked a few minutes later.

Only then did Kate realize that Alexis had taken a second piece of chicken, and neither Rick nor Kate had even touched theirs. "Yeah, we are, Sweetie," Rick replied, though Kate felt like he was saying he was hungry for something else.

Yes, getting to _that_ point seemed like it was getting closer and closer. But should they get there without being official? And if they were official, what did that even mean? And if they were official, and it meant everything Kate thought it meant, would she end up with a ring on her finger by the end of the summer and adoption papers on her desk before she turned 25? And if they became official, and she had the ring, and the kid, and the Rick, and she got shot, or hurt, or killed…

"Hey, you there, Birthday girl?" Rick asked, laying a hand over hers where it had balled up on the table, a piece of chicken stuck in limbo on her fork in the other.

"Oh, yeah," she gave a feeble laugh. "Sorry, lost in thought. So, Alexis," she turned to the young girl, who was eating a pepper strand by hand. "How was school?"

"Good," she replied. "Miss Katniss really liked my book report on the fourth _Harry Potter_."

Kate smiled and Rick squeezed the hand he still hadn't relinquished. She was glad she'd already cut up her chicken. "That's wonderful. Did you get an A+?"

Alexis nodded. "And she said she'd let me read whatever I wanted the next time."

"That's great," Kate enthused. "When do you have to do another book report?"

Alexis sighed. "Not until winter! Can you believe that? And we're reading this really easy book as a class, and people read out loud, and do you know how slow they read? It's horrible," she moaned.

"Alexis finished the book the first day," Rick said to Kate while Alexis huffed and speared a piece of chicken.

"I guess Second Grade's a little early to multitask in class?" Kate asked, frowning for the little girl.

"Oh, no, I do my math homework," Alexis grinned.

"What?" Kate choked on her drink and looked back and forth between the Castles. "Seriously?"

"Uh-huh. I just make sure I'm ready if she calls on me. I have more free time at night now."

"She must get it from you," Kate told Rick. "Since you're always doing too many things at once."

"Oh, no, I was never organized enough to multitask at her age," Rick laughed. "Our little smarty does it all on her own."

Alexis grinned. "It's fun. It's like being a secret homework agent."

"That, she gets from me," Rick grinned. "Now, do you want to do dessert first, or presents? Mother will be here soon, if you want to wait for presents. She won't want cake."

Kate blinked. She didn't know Martha was coming. "Um, cake, then, I guess?"

Rick nodded and then he and Alexis began clearing the dinner plates. Kate went to stand but he gently pushed her back down. "The Birthday girl does not do dishes," he explained, while Alexis nodded.

"On my Birthday, I'm not allowed to help at all. It's really annoying," she added.

Kate laughed. She could see Alexis trying to help hang streamers, or blow up balloons, and Rick, the ultimate child, emphatically refusing her help. So Kate sat back and watched as father and daughter moved around the kitchen together, doing their own domestic little shuffle. Alexis was small, but she was remarkably helpful in the kitchen, taking plates and utensils from her father with ease and setting them on the table. She found candles as Rick took the cake out of the fridge and brought it to the table.

Kate shook her head as he placed it down in front of her. It was small and round, something she'd have to thank him for later, and totally white, except for the words, 'Happy Birthday Kate!' that were written in red icing. She could handle this cake, and, well, she _did_ love cake. Rick walked around behind her and reached around her to place two candles, a large two and four, onto the cake, before striking a match and lighting them. He kept her imprisoned with his body and she sat there, looking at the little burning wicks, Alexis giggling at them off to the side.

"You have to make a wish!" Alexis exclaimed after a moment.

Kate closed her eyes dramatically and puffed out her cheeks. She didn't believe in wishing, as it never got her anywhere. But she found, as Rick's hands fell to her shoulders and squeezed, and Alexis huffed at her reluctance, that her mind was filled with only one wish. It didn't seem so far fetched, and maybe she could put all of her grown-up, dark, moodiness aside just for a moment. She blew the candles out in one large breath, wishing only that they could do this again next year.

Alexis clapped and Rick squeezed her shoulders one more time before stepping back and grabbing a knife. They sat back down and he cut the cake, handing her the largest slice along with a fork and a grin. It was vanilla, vanilla cake, and she had to wonder how he'd known that was her favorite. But, then again, he seemed to just know certain things, like some sort of weird, childish, handsome genie.

Halfway through their cake, Martha bustled in, dropping a few bags by the door before striding over to them and instantly wrapping an arm around Kate's shoulders.

"Happy Birthday, Kiddo," she said, shaking her a bit as Kate managed to swallow and not choke out of surprise.

"Thank you, Martha," she managed.

"You didn't wait to have cake with me?" Martha asked, turning accusatory eyes on her son.

"Rick said you wouldn't want any…" Kate defended.

Martha and Rick glared at each other for a moment before both laughed and Rick patted her hand. "She doesn't. She just likes to push my buttons."

"And she does a good job," Alexis added, licking her fork. "Can I have more cake?"

"And give you the biggest sugar rush of the century? No, sorry munchkin, it's presents, a little hang time, and bed," Rick replied as Alexis pouted. "I'll put some in your lunchbox tomorrow," he added.

Alexis grinned and then hopped down and came around to stand next to Kate. "Presents?"

Kate hadn't finished her cake yet, but she wasn't desperate to do so. It was delicious, but Kate preferred her desserts a little less sweet. She nodded and Martha removed her arm and allowed Kate to stand. Alexis instantly took her hand and pulled her into the living room while Rick and Martha followed them, laughing and chatting quietly. Kate sat down on the couch and Alexis scampered out of the room and boomed up the stairs. Rick disappeared into his office and Martha walked back to the door.

She sighed and closed her eyes for a moment, happy for the reprieve. This was definitely the best Birthday she'd had in years, and they'd done a wonderful job of distracting her. But she still missed her mother, and the phone call she'd gotten from her father had been quiet. He was doing well, and had been apologetic about not being able to accept Rick's invitation to be there that night. She hadn't known Rick had even invited him. But he had an AA meeting and work to do, and couldn't find the time, which was fine with Kate. She loved her father, and she was glad that he was doing well, but seeing him would be an added stress to an already confusing evening.

Martha made it back first and handed her a neatly wrapped, square package, covered in delicate purple tissue paper. Kate fiddled with one of the edges as Martha sat down.

"You didn't have to get me anything," she said quietly, glancing up at the matriarch.

"Nonsense," Martha replied. "You're family."

No, she wasn't going to cry. Martha wouldn't make her cry. "Thank you," Kate murmured, taking a deep, calming breath.

Martha laughed quietly. "Sorry, dear. I didn't mean to overwhelm you."

"No," Kate laughed as well and squeezed the hand Martha extended to her. "Just…no, it's fine. Thank you."

Alexis bowled back down the stairs and their moment ended, but Kate found that she suddenly had an entirely new sense of affection for the older woman. She'd have to find a way to thank her. _You're family._

"Here," Alexis chirped, handing Kate a small, round pouch of tissue and ribbon. It clinked as she set it down in her lap and Kate smiled as Alexis hopped up beside her.

Rick came out of the office, a small package held in his hands as well. He sat down on the coffee table and Kate was surrounded by Castles—well, two Castles and a Rodgers. He didn't extend the present to her, and Kate wondered if she was reading him right; he looked nervous, somehow.

"Open mine!" Alexis insisted.

Kate smiled and picked up the pouch, carefully untying the blue ribbon that held it together. She placed the base in her hand and pushed the paper aside, pulling out a silver charm bracelet. She still had the last bracelet Alexis had given her, hanging on her bureau. She held the silver piece up to inspect it. It had three penguins on it, two larger ones and a small, baby penguin between them. They were all carved out of silver and glinted in the light.

"It's gorgeous," Kate told her. "Thank you. I love it."

"Cause you like penguins, right?" Alexis asked, watching happily as Kate slipped it deftly onto her wrist and did the clasp.

"I do like penguins," Kate replied. "Good memory, Lex."

"Mate for life, if I'm not mistaken," Martha added. Rick laughed and Kate turned surprised eyes on his mother. "What? It's a fact."

Kate just shook her head and wrapped and arm around Alexis. "Thank you, Alexis."

"Happy Birthday," the girl replied.

"Mine next," Martha insisted after Kate and Alexis had finished hugging. The girl stayed snuggled up to Kate's side.

She turned to the square package in her lap and gingerly ripped the paper off. She stared down at the cover of _Angels in America_, her favorite play in college. She did a double take as she noticed the signature. "You got it signed?" she whispered. "Martha, I can't…how did you…"

"Tony and I go way back," she chuckled. "It's nothing, kiddo."

"Martha, this is huge," Kate replied. "Thank you. I…" Martha had gotten Tony Kushner to sign her favorite play, that he'd written. She'd have to put this right next to the signed copy of _The Thin Man_ from Rick last year. Good lord.

"Really, Kate. It's nothing," Martha said, laying a hand on her knee. "Happy 24th Birthday."

"Thank you," Kate managed, running her hands over the cover, the bracelet jingling on her wrist. These people. These people would ruin her. God, she was happy to have them in her life.

"Mine last," Rick said, bringing her attention back to him. He handed her the very small present, which fit completely in the palm of her hand. "Now, it's not exactly what you'll think it is when you open it."

Kate heard Martha sigh next to her and cocked her head to the side. "Why do I feel like this is about to confuse me?"

He cracked a smile. "No, it's…just…open it."

Kate shrugged and peeled back the paper. A key fell into her hand, with a small chain that held a metal rook at the end. She knew what this was. It was a key to the loft. And he was right; her mind was jumping to all sorts of inappropriate, scary, wonderful conclusions. She took a deep breath and observed him. She couldn't remember seeing him so nervous.

"You got me a car?" she asked, watching as his eyes widened and he laughed, causing Martha and Alexis to laugh as well. Good, objective attained.

"No. But Christmas is coming," he replied after a moment. "It's a key to the loft, so you can let yourself in, and come over if you need to, without me here, or if Alexis needs something…"

"Translation, we want you here more, and you should feel like a part of the house, not a guest," Martha supplied, taking a sip of her drink.

Kate blinked and rubbed the smooth key with a finger. "Thank you," she said, not to any one member of the group. But her heart was about to beat out of her chest. She was touched and flattered and confused and happy and sad and completely turned around.

"Now you can be here all the time!" Alexis added, wrapping her arms around one of Kate's.

"Not all the time," Rick corrected. "But more, I hope."

Kate nodded without thought and slipped the key into her pocket. "Thank you for my presents," she said, feeling like it didn't say enough about what all of them meant, the gifts and the people.

"You're welcome," Alexis beamed while Martha waved her off and Rick gave her a warm, affectionate smile.

Happy Birthday to her indeed.

(…)

"It was really nice of you to put up with this," he murmured as he wrapped his arms around her waist later that night, looking out the window at the city lights with her. "Especially since it was obviously a little painful for you."

Kate sighed and leaned into him, too tired to fight the desire to be comforted. He was so good at the hugging and kissing and holding part of all of it. He was good at all of it, really. And, even though she'd been distracted all night, he'd even wormed his way into her melancholy, replacing images of her Mother with images of him pushing children she wasn't ready to think about on swing sets.

"Not painful," she replied. "Just…" He kissed her cheek, one of his thumbs rubbing circles over her stomach and she melted. "My mom wanted to have dinner with me, the year I turned 19. But I was at college and friends wanted to go drinking, so I said no. And, you know, we still had a Birthday dinner, but it wasn't the same, and it was like I'd decided that other things were more important than her…and then three weeks later, she was dead and I…"

She trailed off as tears stung at the corners of her eyes. She didn't want to cry now. It had been the best Birthday she'd had in a long time, and she didn't want to mar that with tears.

"I'm sure she never thought that," he murmured.

Kate nodded. "Yeah, I know."

"But really you don't and it still hurts, right?"

Kate gave a small huff of laughter. "You know just how to peg me, don't you?"

She could feel him smiling against her cheek. "Part of the charm."

Desperate to escape the onslaught of emotions she was fighting, she took the bait. "And is this, the comforting of the girlfriend, part of the charm?"

He stiffened behind her and she would have laughed, proud of herself, if her Freudian slip wasn't slapping her silly and trying to hand her the salt for her foot. She waited, knowing the ball was now in his court, even though she hadn't actually given herself permission to toss it over the net.

"No," he breathed into her ear after a tense minute. "That's not part of the charm. That's just part of the best friend duties. S'kind of my job."

She smiled despite the butterflies in her stomach and the niggling voice that told her danger hadn't yet passed. "Oh," she murmured.

"The charm is used to get the girlfriend into bed, but I was under the impression that I was holding off on that for the foreseeable future, until I'd declared myself the boyfriend, at least."

"Declared?" she spluttered, zeroing in on the easiest target.

He laughed. "Only you would choose that part."

"Well, I'm not land," she laughed as his fingers lightly dug into her stomach, making her squirm. "You can't just stick a flag in me and proclaim me taken." They stopped moving. "Please. Please, since it's my Birthday, pretend I didn't just say that."

He chuckled against her ear and then tightened his hold on her. "Since it's your Birthday, I'll let it slide."

"Thank you," she sighed, letting her heartbeat calm down.

"And, you know, there's a lot going on right now," he began, his breath hot against her neck. "Your Mom's Anniversary, Alexis' Birthday, Hurricane Meredith, the pictures of me and Gina that _do not_ make you jealous, and the holidays, which are a trying time for all of us."

Kate sagged as he listed it all out. Around all of that were murders and more murders, and then holiday murders, which were always especially gruesome. "Yeah."

"So, I'm not planning on _declaring_ anything at the moment, since there's…more than enough to focus on. But, know that I will be declaring it someday, most likely after you've given me your consent and said you'd be my girlfriend first. I don't like to stick flag poles where they're unwanted," he finished on a laugh, but Kate knew that it was just for show.

"The flag pole's wanted," she replied, and then grimaced. "Can we pick a new metaphor, preferably one that's not so…dirty?"

"Or we can get rid of metaphors all together."

"I'm grateful that you're willing to wait," she replied after a moment. Maybe it was time to make some new, good, Birthday memories. "I won't want to wait too long."

He pressed an open kiss to her throat. "Me either."

"And you won't get bored in the meanwhile? Trade me in for something blonder and bustier?" it was her turn to laugh out a statement. They weren't fooling anyone.

"Oh, please," he scoffed. "I like tall, thin, brunette and gorgeous just fine, thanks."

She smiled and leaned her head away so he could continue to trail kisses along her neck and under her jaw. "Even though I'm not old enough to be a Detective?"

Where had _that_ question come from? "What?" he pulled back and looked at her. "Is there…is this a trap?"

She giggled and leaned in to give him a chaste kiss before pulling back. "No. It was a surprise for me too."

He watched her for a moment. "I think being a Uniform is a really important job."

How had he known? How did he know something that she didn't even realize she was worried about? She'd been jealous of Gina, in part, apparently, because she had a high-powered, influential job. And she was just a Uniform. But she hadn't even realized that it was something she felt she was lacking. How the hell did he know?

"You don't think I feel dumb? You help solve crimes. I make them up."

"You're a world famous novelist," she replied. "You can't feel dumb!"

"I beg to differ," he argued. "I feel it, therefore, I can so too feel it."

Kate giggled and Rick's lips twitched, until they began to teeter and stumble around, laughing at themselves. She turned around in his arms and buried her head into his neck as she calmed, feeling the rumbles of his laughter resonate in his chest and against her ear at his throat. She wrapped her arms around his neck and his covered her back as he began to sway, moving them to absent music.

"I've dated models, and heiresses, actresses, dancers, publishers—a lot of women, to be honest," he said as they rocked from side to side. "But I've never dated a cop before."

"And that's your ultimate woman? A cop?"

"Did you change your profession?"

And there it was, making her eyes water in the most horribly feminine way—the statement of fact that she could barely believe. How could she be _his_ ultimate woman? She barely felt like a woman most days, and even in her other relationships, she had never felt so cherished.

"I…no, still a cop," she replied after a moment.

"Wanna do a strip search, Officer?" he whispered.

Kate smacked his shoulder. "Wow, way to ruin it. And on my Birthday," she added for effect.

"Sorry, sorry," he chuckled. She wasn't mad. He'd put humor exactly where she'd needed it.

"How do you always know?" Oh, crap. Inside thought to outside thought—did she have no control tonight?

"Cause I love you," he replied softly, expelling it on a careless breath. And then they stopped moving. He coughed and cleared his throat. "As my best friend. Love you as my best friend, and I like to make you happy and help in any way I can…stop me when the rambling stops being useful."

She brought a hand around to cover his lips and he sucked in a breath before placing a kiss to her finger. _'Cause I love you_. She could deal. She could still breath. He hadn't just knocked the wind out of her and made her heart speed up and confused the hell out of her. They were still for a few minutes as Kate tried to calm down, and Rick tried to recover from his own Freudian slip. It didn't make her want to run screaming, as it would have a few months ago, but Kate was having a difficult time making sense of anything in her head at the moment.

"Alexis loves you," he murmured. "And I love you. It doesn't have to…mean anything right now," he continued cautiously.

She knew that he didn't love her the way Alexis loved her. But it…it did make it better. It did make it easier and then instead of terror and shock, her chest filled with warmth and home, and the smell of his cologne, and the overwhelming urge to return the simple sentiment.

"If that's all we're talking, then I might love you back," she whispered.

She felt his arms tighten across her back and then he turned his head and kissed her forehead, his breath hot against her skin, his lips soft and firm. "Aren't you glad Mother left? She'd have a field day with this."

Kate giggled. "Imagine the people we could terrify."

"Ten bucks if you say it around Meredith and get Alexis to join in," he replied, before he sucked in a breath. "No. That's…wow, that was low. Sorry 'bout that."

Kate pressed a kiss to his neck. "Payback is fair."

"It's not because of feelings, or hurt, or anything, you know? I'm past that. I'm so beyond feeling about that woman," he rushed out.

Kate nuzzled her nose against his skin and he stopped talking. "I know. I know I'm not the rebound girl, Rick, calm down."

He sighed and ran a hand up and down her back. "Good."

"But you can still be mad. Hell, Rick, I'm mad, and you'll be lucky if the worst I do is flaunt us in front of her." She felt him smile against the crown of her head.

"You know, the thought of you being territorial is oddly arousing," he admitted.

She couldn't decide whether she should be flattered, insulted, put off, turned on or just plain confused by that one, so she let it pass. There were bigger and better things to let the back of her mind freak out about, from the 'declaring' conversation to their first 'I love yous,' which weren't even official. But she didn't actually want to think about any of it.

She yawned and he pulled back a bit to look down at her. "Tired?"

"Long day," she shrugged.

"And you haven't been sleeping well," he added, running a thumb gently beneath her eye, where deep bags were concealed by skillful makeup.

She didn't meet his eyes. She never slept well at this time of year, but tonight was not the night to discuss it. She didn't want to talk about her mother tonight. "Maybe."

"Nightmares?" he asked gently.

She shook her head. No, they weren't exactly nightmares. Dreams in which she saw her mother, and talked to her, and had her back, only to wake up alone and sweating weren't nightmares. They made life the nightmare. But she raised her eyes to meet his and he must have seen something there, because he leaned in and rested his forehead against hers, bringing both hands up to cradle her face.

"I'm sorry, Kate," he whispered.

"Thanks," she replied. "I'm okay, though."

He sighed quietly. "You know, for a cop, you suck at lying."

She narrowed her eyes at him. "Thanks," she mumbled. No one ever called her on it. Damn him.

He considered her for a moment before he stepped away and extended a hand. "Come on."

"Where are we going?" she asked as he led her through the living room and into his office, then toward a door she'd never entered before.

And suddenly she was staring at his bedroom, with its big, king-sized bed and matching drapes. The comforter was navy and orange and the pillows, the enormous pillows, were navy as well. There was a large photo of an elephant along one wall, and various other odd sculptures and pictures laid out around the small room. Her toes wiggled in the plush, shaggy carpet, and she smiled as she spotted a picture of Alexis on the nightstand.

"Am I getting a tour?" she asked absently as he left her to rummage around in his top drawer.

"No, you're sleeping over. Bathroom's through there," he said as he came back to stand in front of her and handed her a pair of boxers and a tee shirt.

"Rick, I don't know that…"

"No funny business," he smiled softly. "But I want you to sleep well tonight."

"Rick…" It sounded…it sounded good, and right, and wouldn't it be lovely to wake up in his arms again? Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up in the middle of the night, panting and wishing for her mother, and find him there, hugging her, or soothing her back into sleep? Wouldn't it be nice to not suffer alone, mourning for someone who would never return?

"Come on, for me, on your Birthday?" he pleaded, his eyes wide.

"That's not how it works," she giggled.

"But you're going to say yes," he grinned. She bit her lip and then nodded, letting him nudge her into the bathroom.

She changed quickly and folded her clothes into a neat pile, leaving them on the open space on the wide, stone counter. This bathroom wasn't quite as large as the one in the Hamptons, but it still had an enormous marble tub and dual headed shower. And the mirror was still lighted, letting her see just how awful she really did look when she wiped off her makeup. She sighed, knowing there was nothing she could do about it, and then finished up, walking out of the bathroom to find Rick fiddling with his alarm clock, already dressed in his own boxers and tee shirt. They matched, blue boxers and white tops.

"Aren't we disgustingly cute?" he asked, beaming as they passed each other and he went into the bathroom.

She sat down on the left side of the bed and looked at the pictures on the nightstand. Now she could see that there was one of Alexis—the same one that sat on her desk—and one of his mother and Alexis sitting on the couch, making faces at the camera. The picture that surprised her though, was one of her and Alexis at the museum. She reached out and picked it up, smiling. Kate stood behind Alexis as she dangled from a railing, holding herself up on her arms, with Kate's hands firmly on the girl's hips. Alexis was looking up at the T-Rex, but Kate was smiling at the camera, completely at ease with wisps of hair falling into her eyes.

"Found that, huh?" Rick's voice startled her.

"Oh, yeah," she replied, quickly putting it back as he walked around the bed and scooted under the covers.

She swung herself fully onto the bed and settled in next to him, laughing as he climbed over her to shut off her bedside lamp. He paused as he moved back to his side, leaning down to press his mouth to hers, his body weighing down on her and pushing her into the mattress as his tongue found hers. She sighed happily into the kiss, content to have his warm weight pressed against her. But all too soon, he was moving again, and sliding to lie next to her.

She turned her head and watched as he watched her. His bed was exceedingly comfortable, and she felt her eyes drooping even as she struggled to stay awake.

"Night, Kate," he murmured, leaning over to kiss the side of her mouth, before melding himself against her side, an arm warm and heavy over her stomach.

And when she woke in the middle of the night, her eyes flying open and heart racing, she was met with the sight of Richard Castle asleep on her shoulder. His breath tickled her skin and she could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest against her arm. He wasn't her mother, and couldn't replace her, but the pleasant feeling of contentment she got from watching him cleared away the aching numbness the dream had left behind.

"Go back to sleep, creepy," he mumbled, and she laughed.

"Didn't mean to wake you," she whispered, running a hand through his hair.

He turned his head and kissed her shoulder before rolling them so that he was pressed to her back, spooning her against his chest. "Just sleep, Kate."

"Goodnight, again, Rick," she replied, relaxing against him as the dark edges of sleep pulled at her once more.

Just as she felt it consume her, she heard a faint whisper, "Happy Birthday, Kate. Love you."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, you'll notice that I changed Kate's Birthday. I had already mapped out the story when I saw that her Birthday is actually November 17<strong>**th****. So, you know, she just has it a month earlier here. Eh, it's my AU.**

**I'm upping the rating to Teen. I'm not going to make it higher (though I might be convinced into doing an album version for the more, ahem, mature content later on), but I felt that after this chapter, K+ was a little too low.**

**You guys continue to be absolutely amazing. Thank you so very much for the reviews, favorites, alerts, blog posts, Twitter messages and graphics. I'm completely blown away and extremely honored.**

**There's still so much to come with this story, and I hope you stick with me for the ride. On that note, a big thank you also to the people who are just joining us. It's no small accomplishment now to catch up with this story, so thank you, and welcome!**

**Okay, giant author's note complete.**

**Love you guys,**

**Emma**


	18. Chapter 18

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: No judgment, but I kind of look like an unemployed college kid…**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 18: <strong>

Kate stared up at the ceiling, unseeing. Her chest heaved erratically and she could feel sweat dripping down her neck and soaking into her pillow. It was mid-morning, and she'd barely slept at all, but Kate knew that she wouldn't find sleep again. And so she lay there, trying to force herself to calm. But the tears continued and the ripping pain that should have been real, that felt all too real, pervaded.

It looked cloudy out her window and Kate turned her head and watched as a few raindrops hit the glass, sliding slowly down and out of sight. Counting raindrops was easier than counting the days and hours, weeks and months, years and lifetimes that had passed since she'd seen her mother. Since she'd hugged her mother. Since she'd spoken to her mother. Since she'd been loved and loved in return by her mother.

She could lay there all day, watching raindrops slide down her window. She didn't need to be at work, having swapped her day off for this. She didn't have to get up. She didn't have to feed herself, or shower, or make any effort toward being remotely human and normal. And she didn't really plan to. She never did. Every year had been the same. At three or so, she would get up and put on clothes, grab her keys and go to the cemetery, to stare at a lifeless stone plaque that was supposed to represent her mother.

She'd stand there in the rain, this year. At least it wasn't snow, like last year. She'd gotten a nasty cold for a week afterward because she'd stood out there in the cold for two hours, wearing little more than a sweater and a pair of jeans. Madison had harped on her for it, and Esposito had grumbled about the sneezing, but she hadn't cared. Being nagged at by friends was irritating, but it didn't last, unless it was Rick doing the nagging. But he'd been kind about it, helping and nagging without actually saying anything. He'd coerce her into movies so she'd fall asleep on his shoulder, or cajole her into extra dinners so he could pile her plate with food. She let him, partially because fighting back would mean admitting she had a problem, and partially because it felt nice to have someone care.

She'd skipped dinner this week because she had to work. Alexis had been disappointed, but understood. Kate hated that she had to let her down, but she didn't have the energy to entertain and put on a happy face, especially not this week, and especially not today.

She never saw anyone on the Anniversary. She'd called her father the previous night, and they'd had a short, sad, quiet conversation. He was spending the day with his sponsor, and they were going to go up to the sponsor's cabin to fish before they closed up for winter. He hadn't sounded excited, by any means, but at least he wouldn't be drowning in a bottle, and Kate could go about her day without having that added worry to her load.

Minutes crept by into hours, and Kate lay there, letting the tears fall, or sobs come, without worrying about whether she should, or whether it was right, or whether it was pathetic or sad or healthy. She didn't care today. It didn't matter today. Today, she could be as small and broken as she wanted, because her mother was _dead,_ and she was never coming back. And Kate missed her—missed her so much that it felt like she might sob her heart right out of her throat.

But even sad, broken, wretchedly sobbing women need to eat, and Kate eventually had to haul herself out of bed and into the kitchen. She didn't bother looking in the mirror as she went, knowing that whatever she'd see wasn't worth seeing today. She made herself toast and fried up one egg, scarfing it down without taste or smell. She'd forgo it all together if she could, but being sick on top of it today would be too much.

Trance like, she wandered into her living room and sank onto the couch, pulling her knees up to her chest. It didn't matter where she sat, or how she sat, or what she sat on; her mother was dead. Her mother had been murdered, and the people responsible would probably never be caught. And Kate had no control over any of it. She couldn't bring her back. She couldn't catch them. She couldn't make it all okay, like a kiss on a band aid. This was a wound too big to fix, or bandage, or kiss away. And every year it felt the same.

The healing she'd done and the therapy she'd gone to and the effort she'd made to put her life back together in the past two years didn't seem to matter today. She'd hoped that it would hurt less, that the memories of baking in the kitchen, or sitting on the fire escape to ring in the New Year would be more wonderful than painful. Hadn't therapy healed her? Shouldn't it be easier now?

But it wasn't. No amount of acceptance made the harsh reality any better, at least not today. She wanted to look at pictures and laugh about memories—to celebrate her mother today, rather than mourn her. But even the thought of touching her box of pictures brought more tears to her eyes, and her chest was so sore already that laughing would probably hurt. It was useless, and she was beyond trying to make it better. The day would end, and she'd wake up tomorrow and go on with her life. What was one day, no matter how painful?

The doorbell rang. Kate jerked her head up and stared at the door, confused. No one ever visited her today. She'd told everyone not to in the beginning, and no one had tried since. And she knew that she'd told Rick to leave her be, even though he'd protested. The bell rang again and forced Kate up. She ran a hand through her hair and then across her face, wiping away the traces of tears as she made her way to the foyer.

She opened the door and was confronted with an enormous bouquet of flowers, topped by a small white envelope. There was no delivery person in sight. Kate bent down and picked up the yellow, purple and white flowers, confused. She brought them into the apartment and gently shut the door. After putting them on the table, she reached for the small card, opening the back and shimmying the note out. She felt her face break into the first smile she'd had all day as she read:

_ Katherine,_

_ I've never been good with boundaries, but this didn't seem like the time to try and push them. In lieu of seeing you, then, I've sent you these. Hopefully they can brighten this dark day for you, and maybe even coax out a smile. Half are for you, and half are for your mother, if you don't mind. You can tell her they're from you. I don't need credit. But I wanted to do something for her, for you._

_ Know that we're thinking about you and if you need__** anything**__, don't hesitate to call._

_ Love you,_

_ Rick (and Alexis and mother, who aren't here at the moment, but extend their sentiments as well)_

Kate smoothed her hands over the note and then leaned in to smell the flowers. They smelled amazing, and something about the scent brought Kate back to the living room of her childhood home, where her mother had always kept a vase of flowers, that, now that she remembered, had looked remarkably like these. Either Rick was lucky, or he'd spoken to her father. Either way, she kept smiling and tucked the note into the pocket of the large sweatshirt she was wearing.

She suddenly didn't feel like sitting around in her apartment anymore. The rain was still pouring down outside, but she wanted to go see her mother. So she changed into a turtleneck and heavy jeans and slipped into a pair of stylish rain boots. She threw her hair into a low bun and ran a cloth over her face to wipe away the residue of tears from hours of crying. Then she wrapped a scarf around her neck and donned her pea coat, scooping up the flowers in one arm and slinging her purse over the other. She put the note into her purse and left, locking the door behind her.

The taxi ride to the graveyard seemed endless in the rain. The city was loud and the honking of horns blasted against Kate's stuffy head. She leaned her forehead against the cool glass of the window and watched the buildings go by. What played in her mind's eye was a montage of her mother—laughing, smiling, frowning, crying, dancing, singing, cooking, kissing, hugging, loving. Each image was as cherished and as tragic as the next, and Kate sighed quietly. She didn't focus on any one memory; just the idea of them was painful enough. But she counted herself lucky that she could remember these things—the smell of her perfume, the shape of her smile—and she could still see her mother when she closed her eyes.

She'd never told anyone, but one of her deepest fears was that one day, she'd forget. And that was more terrifying and heartbreaking than any assailant or broken dream she'd ever encountered.

The cab stopped and she paid the fair, murmuring a low, scratchy, "Thanks," as she stepped out. She ignored the confused look her tall, thin cabbie threw her as she stood at the side of the graveyard, already nearly soaked through. But she barely felt it. Her feet guided her through the gate and down the long, winding aisles between the graves. It was bleak and dreary, and were it one of Rick's books, it would be dramatically poetic. As it was, she was walking through a cemetery in the pouring rain, getting soaked to the skin. That was hardly poetic or dramatic. She knew tomorrow, when she had a pounding headache, it would merely be pathetic. She couldn't be bothered to care.

She slowed as she reached the row by the tall, old, oak tree. Her steps squelched as she approached the large, grey tombstone. It jutted up from the ground, rectangular and pristine, with words expertly etched into the buffed, shining surface of the cool granite.

_Johanna Beckett,_

_1954 - 1999._

There was no dedication, or quote, or line of remembrance. Neither Kate nor her father had been able to think of anything befitting of her final resting place. And so it was left plain and bare, with nothing but dates to honor the woman who had given so much to the world, and to the family left behind.

Kate stared at it. She'd never been a stranger to death. Both of her sets of grandparents had died when she was a child, and she'd watched three of the four interred into the earth. But the idea that she stood now on the remains of her mother, buried in the cold, wet ground, never to rise, never to see, never to breathe again, always filled her with a renewed sadness.

She'd thought, briefly, of asking for a cremation, so she and her father could keep the ashes in their home. But then she'd realized how horrible it would be, to have her there with them in the room, without having her _there_ with them. And so she'd never mentioned the fleeting urge to anyone. But now, she wished more than anything that she had something besides the wet metal of the ring around her neck and the smooth stone of the tomb on which she stood.

She took a breath, letting the damp air fill her lungs, and then she parted her chapped lips. "Hi, Mom," she whispered, looking down at the tombstone. "I…I guess it goes without saying that I miss you, huh?" She gave a watery chuckle. "I mean, you know, don't you? You've seen…God, you must be so mad at us."

Without a second thought, she knelt before the grave, feeling more water seep into the knees of her pants. What did it matter? She was already wet. She gently placed the flowers down at the base of the marker and stared at the odd contrast—the yellow against the grey. The flowers were still cheerful, even waterlogged and sagging against the muddy ground.

"Rick sent me those, for you," she murmured, letting her thoughts turn into words without care. This was her mother. Or, at least she could pretend it was her mother—her real mother, sitting there listening as she poured out her heart. "He's great, Mom. You'd…I think you'd really love him."

She sighed. "I think I do. Really love him, I mean. We've been tossing that word around for a few weeks now. And, right now, it's just the kind of friendly love, you know?" Kate giggled. "Yeah, it's stupid. But it's just…he has a kid Mom. And I know that I fell in love with the kid first, but I feel like the minute we make it real, that's it. That's my one, Mom. And I'm only 24, you know?"

Kate ran a hand through the hair that had fallen out of her bun, washed out of the tie by the rain. "I know you were only 26 when you met Dad. But it was…was it different, really? I mean, I've known them for almost a year now. And I love Alexis. God," she smiled, the feeling strange on her lips here in this place, "you'd adore her. She's brilliant, Mom. And so precocious. I wish you could see them together. They remind me of me and Dad, you know? And she just gives these amazing hugs. I can't really explain why they get me, but they do. And I…I don't ever want to lose that."

She sat for a moment, letting that idea wash over her. If she really were talking to her mother, what would she say? Would she be smiling? Would she reach over and squeeze her hand and tell her not to let them get away? Tell her to fight to keep that light and love and happiness in her life, because after all of the dark, she truly deserved it?

"I'm scared," Kate whispered. "Because it feels so real, Mom. And I don't want to mess it up, but I…and he knows, you know? He's been there for a few nightmares and that panic attack back last year. And I've told him about you—good stuff too, I promise. So, he knows. But…but what if I'm just not enough, you know? And I…if it doesn't work, Mom, I just don't know what I'd…it would hurt too much."

She twisted her hands at her sides, gripping the damp fabric of her coat. "But you'd say go for it, wouldn't you? You're the one who let me get the bike, right? You'd take the risk."

She let out a small sigh and glanced up at the rain, letting it pelt her face. "I miss you," she whispered up to the heavens. "I miss you so much, Mommy," she added, feeling small. "And I could really use a hug right now."

She looked back down at the gravestone and sighed, reaching out to smooth a hand over it. "You're probably yelling at me to get the hell inside and change into something warm," she murmured. "And I'm starting to freeze, since it can't be much more than 40 degrees out here. I promise to bring an umbrella next time," she added with a small chuckle.

She stood slowly, her muscles stiff and cold. She pushed her hands into her pockets, like that was going to help, and then closed her eyes. "I love you."

She turned around and headed back out of the cemetery, feeling oddly light on some level, like admitting all of that to her mother had actually solved a problem, somehow. Maybe her subconscious would be willing to tell her about it sometime. But right now, her first priority had to be getting back to warmth and dry clothing, or she really would catch her death.

She hailed a cab and got inside, shivering. The driver glared at her. "You're getting water everywhere," she said in a thick accent.

"Sorry," Kate mumbled.

"It's done," the woman replied tersely. "Where to?"

Kate gave the address and then curled against the corner of the cab, trying to create her own body heat. She was unsuccessful, and it was a long, cold drive back to her apartment. She hurried inside after paying her disapproving cabbie and ignored the stares of her neighbors as she got into the elevator. She was violently shivering now, and it was with very unsteady fingers that she fumbled the key into her door and stumbled inside.

She stripped everything off and carried it in a heap to the hall, where she dumped her clothes into the dryer, hanging her pea coat over the washer as she hopped from foot to foot, now completely frozen in just her underwear and bra. She ran to her room and pulled on a pair of heavy sweats and a sweatshirt, grabbing a towel to rub her hair dry. The necessity of being dry and warm had kept her from thinking of much else, but now she stared around her empty bedroom and the ache returned.

Talking to her mother usually made it a bit better, and today was no different. She felt merely sad, in place of broken and wretched, but it was a heavy sadness and Kate fell back onto her bed and stared up at the ceiling once more. It was only five, and she had the whole night ahead of her. This was the part of the day she really hated, when despair had turned to melancholy and memory. Despair she understood. Despair she could sink into and hide inside. Melancholy was merely there, brought to the forefront, and ever present. It wouldn't be gone tomorrow, just hidden.

The cell phone she'd left on her bedside table rang. Numbly, she reached for it and held it to her ear, already aware of who was on the other line. Who else would call?

"Beckett," she said softly.

"Hey," Rick murmured.

"Hi," she replied, not at all surprised, and honestly not even angry. She wasn't anything, and that was the worst part. She didn't care, now. That was what this part of the day was about—a complete and total lack of true emotion.

"I just wanted to call and say hi, because…" he took a breath. "Because I couldn't not, and I'm sorry for that."

"No," she let herself smile, even though it was an empty, mostly vacant smile. "It's okay."

"Really?"

"Thank you for the flowers."

"You're welcome," he replied. "How…how are you?"

"I'm okay," she told him, honest. She was. And in a few hours, the day would be over and for whatever reason, life would go on.

"Kate," he breathed.

"No, really, I am. I went and saw her. The flowers looked lovely."

"Please tell me you brought an umbrella."

Kate laughed and just like that, she was smiling, truly and fully. Her mother would have wanted her to be happy. And her mother would have kicked her ass for going to see her in the pouring rain, just like she was sure Rick wanted to now. "I wish you could have met her," she replied, in lieu of a response to his question. "You would have gotten along so well."

There was a pause. "You got soaked through, didn't you?"

"And that. You guys both have that kind of ninja mind thing," she laughed.

"Jedi. Jedi mind trick, Kate," Rick replied quickly. "But really? How long were you there?"

"An hour?" she said, wondering. "Maybe a little more."

"Are you okay?" She could hear the concern in his voice.

"I really am, Rick, I promise," she replied. "I'm warm and in a sweatshirt now."

"And you've eaten?"

"I can take care of myself," she chuckled. "But yes."

"Recently?"

She cringed. "Define recent?"

"I'm going to order you food," he replied. "What do you want?"

"Rick, you don't have to…"

"Hey," his voice was soft. "I know I don't. But I told you a few weeks ago, and I'll tell you again, because apparently you don't listen. It's my job to take care of you. And I _want_ to take care of you. And if I can't be there to actually do it myself, I can damn well order you the Indian food you love, okay?"

Kate smiled softly. "Yeah, okay."

"Good."

They were silent for a few minutes and she listened to him breathing. She did rather desperately want to simply curl up in his arms and sleep the rest of the night away. But that wasn't who she was, and that wasn't what today was about.

"Are you sure I shouldn't…"

"Richard," she stopped him. "You've already done so much. I'll be alright, and I'll be fed, and tomorrow you can force me into staying over, but I need…I need to do this on my own."

"Okay." His response was quiet and resigned. "You're too strong for your own good, you know?"

She huffed. "Flattered?"

"You should be," he chuckled. "I'll call for your Indian. Extra bread?"

"If you have to," she sighed. "And Rick?"

"Yeah?"

"Thank you," she whispered.

"_Anything_, Katherine. And I mean that."

She smiled. "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Until tomorrow. Love you."

"Love you too," she replied, as she always did now.

They clicked off and Kate clutched the phone to her chest, smiling. Saying it back was remarkably easy and the pleasant clench of her stomach every time he said it to her was a kind of feeling she was starting to crave. She reached up to pull her necklace from the inside of her sweater. She twirled the ring around her fingers and watched as it glinted softly in the lamplight. "Oh Mom, I really wish you could have met him."

(…)

"What are you doing, hiding in your office?" Kate asked the next week as she pushed the button for the elevator and waited, leaning against the wall.

"The bedroom," Rick muttered glumly. "Are you almost here yet?"

"You know, I feel like I should just turn around. You're not selling this afternoon very well," Kate said as the doors opened and she stepped inside. She was teasing, but part of her really was tempted to turn and run in the opposite direction.

"So help me if you make me do this alone," he growled. She could practically see him glaring, his fists twisting in the comforter.

"Relax, Rick," she laughed. "I'm on my way up. And, you know, could you come out so I don't have to introduce myself to her? That would be all kinds of awkward," Kate continued as she stepped out and walked toward the door.

"Just use your key," he replied. She could hear him grinning.

"Let's not start the day with questions, shall we? Knocking. Hanging up." She closed her phone and, slipping it into her pocket, rapt on the door. She listened, fidgeting with the hem of the deep cobalt, vee-neck sweater she wore under her pea coat. He'd said it was casual, but she'd worn dress pants and heels anyway. That had nothing to do with his actress-ex-wife. Nothing at all.

The door opened and Rick smiled at her. "Hey," he said quietly.

"Hey," she replied, tilting her head in a silent question as he slipped through the small crack he'd created and joined her in the hallway. "What's up?"

"Nothing much," he replied, sweeping her into his arms in a sudden movement and kissing her silly. She squeaked in surprised and wrapped her arms around his neck, partly because he was kissing her and that always made her weak in the knees, and partly because he'd knocked her off balance.

They pulled apart after a languid moment and Kate laughed. "Happy to see me?"

"You have no idea," he murmured. "But, we should get back in there before…"

"Ah, there you are," Martha said, peeking out of the door. "Hello, Kate."

"Hi Martha," Kate blushed, stepping away from Rick and running a hand self-consciously down the front of her sweater. "How are you?"

"Alone without the two of you. Now get in here." Kate and Rick laughed and ducked inside, like kids caught…kissing in the hallway. They really were a little family. An odd little family.

Rick took Kate's coat and hung it up while Martha wrapped her hand into the crook of Kate's elbow and led her toward the kitchen.

"Thank goodness you're here, dear," she murmured. "I'm going insane."

"Seems like a theme, today," Kate replied, glancing into the living room, where she could see the back of a head of thick, red hair. "Is that?"

"The witch? Yes," Martha whispered.

"Martha," Kate admonished, laughing as the older woman gave a dramatic sigh and plopped down on one of the stools. She understood it from Rick, but she wasn't so used to Martha being that biting.

"See for yourself, if you don't believe me," she shrugged, grabbing a carrot stick from the large bowl to her left.

The loft looked as it had when she'd left last night—heavily decorated, with streamers, balloons and colorful confetti strewn everywhere. The dining room table was covered with a Harry Potter tablecloth and a barrage of paper plates, napkins, cups and plastic utensils. The counter sported various bowls of snacks and candies, and Kate could see another two smaller tables Rick must have set up off to the side in the living room, with sixteen capes, wands and wizards hats laid out neatly on one of them.

"You two did a good job," Martha added as Rick joined them and stood close to Kate, his hand skating up and down her back.

"Thank you," Rick told her. "Ready?" he asked, nodding toward the living room.

"Sure," Kate replied, taking a deep, calming breath. She'd managed to convince herself, on the way over, that she could do this. She could meet Meredith and make polite, non-confrontational, non-accusatory, non-claw-her-eyes-out-for-hurting-Alexis, conversation.

Though, as she heard an annoying, nasal laugh as they approached, that ironclad control wavered a bit. "Meredith," Rick prompted, tearing her away from the tickling match she and Alexis had been having.

But Kate didn't have time to really observe the well-dressed woman in front of her. "Kate!" Alexis exclaimed, hopping up and diving toward her in a hug.

Kate laughed and spun around with the girl to prevent the momentum from knocking them over. "Happy Birthday!" she said. "How's it feel to be eight?"

"Great!" Alexis grinned. "And it rhymes."

"That it does. I bet your Dad thought that was very clever."

"You don't?" the girl pouted up at her.

Kate smiled. "I do, but I bet your Dad said it for a good five minutes after you did, am I right?"

Alexis giggled. "Ten." She turned and Kate brought her attention back to Meredith, who was taller, thinner, and even more beautiful in person. Fantastic.

"You must be Kate, the nanny?" Meredith asked, looking among them with a slight frown on her heart-shaped face.

Rick's jaw dropped and Kate clenched her teeth but offered a smile. "Actually, no. I'm…"

"She's not my nanny, Mommy," Alexis said with a sigh. "I told you about Kate. She's my…" she paused and looked up at Kate. "Friend?"

"Yes," Kate smiled, running a hand over the French braid that fell down Alexis' back, covering the Hogwarts uniform she was wearing. "I'm Kate, a family friend. Nice to meet you," she said with false charm, extending a hand to Meredith.

Meredith took it with a polite smile, but there was no warmth to it. Her handshake was terrible. Good, at least now Kate could channel all of the negative feelings she'd developed in the past two minutes into hating her handshake. Come on. Shake like a person, not a fish.

"Nice to meet you as well," Meredith replied. Her voice was sweet, almost sickeningly so. But she was beautiful, and graceful, and Kate supposed she could see what Rick had seen in her. "You didn't tell me about this…about Kate," she added, turning to Rick.

Rick gave her an assessing look. "I did, actually. But you were on set."

"My being on set is like his writing," Meredith said, looking at Kate. Kate heard a faint snort from the kitchen and had to suppress a smile at Martha's antics. Meredith didn't pay her any attention. "When either of us gets too deep into it, communication is pointless."

"She's right," Rick interjected, catching Kate's eye and winking. "You can't get me out of there for anything. Screaming children, fire? No way, I'm writing."

Alexis giggled into Kate's hip and looked up at her. "They make jokes a lot," she stage whispered.

"Well, I knew that about your Daddy," Kate replied. "Must be where you get it."

"And her looks," Meredith added. "We were arguing about this, Martha and I. Perhaps you can settle the debate. Does Alexis look more like me, or like Rick and Martha?"

Kate looked from Meredith, to Rick, to Martha, and then to Alexis. This could be a defining moment, couldn't it? She could say Alexis looked more like Meredith, and fall into the woman's good graces, potentially avoiding more awkwardness and the hostility she knew was bouncing under the surface. Or, she could say Alexis looked more like Rick and Martha, stand her ground, and flay the bitch on a stick. Tough decision.

"I'm sorry Meredith, but I think she's got more of Rick and Martha, though the hair is all yours."

Martha laughed and Rick smiled. Kate felt Alexis switching her gaze between her mother and Kate, obviously unsure of what her reaction was supposed to be. Meredith, for her part, looked rather put out, but covered it quickly.

"Well, I guess you win, Martha," she said politely. "But yes, the hair is mine."

"It's getting long," Alexis added, swishing her head back and forth. "I think I want to cut it."

"Oh, no, don't do that!" Meredith moaned. "It's so gorgeous and long."

"But it gets really tangled all the time," Alexis argued. "And only Kate can braid it, or Gram, but they're not here in the mornings."

"Beauty knows no pain, darling," Meredith replied, sitting back down and patting the spot next to her. "And I love playing with your long hair."

Alexis looked at her mother, and then up at Kate, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. Meredith leaned forward to take a sip of her drink and didn't notice, but Kate did. She gave Alexis a smile and nudged her toward her mother, missing the warmth of her little arms as she pulled away and sat down on the couch. Meredith sat back and wrapped an arm around her daughter, leaning down to whisper something to her.

Rick stepped up behind Kate and wrapped an arm casually around her waist, pulling her back by a few feet. He leaned in to press his forehead to the side of her face. "Ready to run screaming yet?" he whispered into her ear.

Kate nudged him with her shoulder. "No. I'm good."

"You're awesome," he replied, his hand squeezing her hip. "Thank you for doing this."

"Hey, a girl only turns eight once," Kate smiled. She could make this work. And if Meredith had her way, they probably wouldn't interact at all. "How many parents at this shindig, again?"

"Probably about ten," Rick replied. "They'll be here soon."

"Did my Dad's present get here?" she asked.

Rick nodded against her head. "Yeah. Can I have his number so I can call and thank him? Or is he gonna be able to come for dinner soon?"

Kate smiled. She liked that they did that—had family dinners. She liked that Rick's breath was warm against her face. She ignored the little triumphant feeling that it was her face his breath washed over and not Meredith's, because she wasn't petty like that.

"I'm sure he can make time for dinner, next week, maybe? Do you guys need to coordinate?" she asked, gesturing toward Meredith with a subtle hand as she raised it to brush a curl away from her face. She also hadn't spent any time doing her hair today, and definitely hadn't curled it just because she knew Rick liked to play with her curls.

"Depends on where she's staying," he sighed.

"She's staying here?" Kate blanched, the words escaping on a whisper.

His hand tightened on her waist. "No. She wants to, but I don't want her here. She got in two hours ago and showed up with all of her bags. But I'm not fighting that one right before the party."

The doorbell rang before Kate could respond, and Alexis was up and running, skidding past Martha, who had already begun walking toward it. They opened the door together and Kate heard Paige's excited voice as she and Alexis chattered to each other. They reappeared, carrying a large present that took both of their strength and coordination.

Kate laughed and stepped away from Rick to help them get it to the table in the corner. She hefted it onto the empty table and then turned to the girls. "Ready to be wizards, my friends?"

The girls nodded eagerly. "I'm Hermione, and Alexis is Ginny," Paige told her as Kate helped them both fit the caps onto their heads and fasten their cloaks.

"I wanted to be Hermione, but Ginny's pretty cool too. And she's the only girl with six brothers. That takes guts," Alexis told her.

"I think they're both great," Kate smiled, handing them each a wand. "Alright, no dueling, you understand? Can't have curses flying about."

They nodded solemnly. "We promise," they replied in unison.

"Then begone," Kate chuckled, watching as they raced away.

More children were coming into the loft and the noise level was growing. Kate stayed in the corner and helped the kids with their hats, wands and capes, introducing herself to those ones she hadn't met, and smiling as they all immediately began casting spells and quoting the books. Rick caught her eye while he was talking to Paige's father and he tossed her a wink. She smiled and stuck the last hat on her head and he laughed.

Paige's father looked over at her and smiled, then looked down as his daughter bowled into him, speaking quickly. Kate put the hat back and made her way over to the snack table, popping a pretzel into her mouth as she leaned next to Martha.

"There's too much energy," Martha commented.

"Oh, I don't think so," Kate laughed, watching as a few of the kids squared off. "Looks like they're going to duel anyway."

"They're bowing first," Martha noted, confused. "I haven't read the books. Is that normal?"

Kate nodded. "It's polite in wizarding society," she remarked. They were adorable, all of the children. "And they're taught how to do it in the second book."

"I'm glad you understand what's going on," Martha replied. "I'm lost, but Alexis is having a ball."

She was. The little girl was all smiles and sass, casting spells and climbing recklessly over furniture to escape her enemies and join her allies. Every so often, she would look up and catch Kate or Martha's eye and grin triumphantly, only to dive back into battle.

"She loves that you've read the books, by the way," Martha added a few minutes later. "Meredith…"

"Are my ears burning?"

Kate turned and found Meredith standing next to her. "Don't know. Alexis didn't cast a spell on you, right?" Kate joked. Oh, she'd been spending way too much time with Rick if that was how she broke the ice.

"No," Meredith smiled, but the word was forced out.

"Oh, look, over…yes, I have to go," Martha offered, patting Kate's arm and walking away. So much for solidarity.

Meredith took her place and leaned against the counter next to Kate. They were silent for a few tense minutes, speaking only to the few children who asked for help to reach the snacks on the counter. Kate looked around for Rick, hoping he'd help her out, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"I don't really see what the attraction is of all this," Meredith observed as Alexis spun past in furious duel with Paige. She grinned at Kate and then ducked around the wall, Paige hot on her heels. "I wanted to do a princess theme, but Alexis insisted on Harry Potter. But I don't think the books are that remarkable."

"I think they're fun," Kate shrugged. "And I know Alexis has really identified with Hermione."

Meredith turned to look at her. "I've been hearing about you from some of the other parents," she said evenly, randomly.

"Oh?" Oh? What could they possibly have to say?

"Yes. Paige's father absolutely adores you."

"He's a good guy," Kate replied, confused. It was obvious that they were about to venture into dangerous territory, but the entrance Meredith was using was rather odd.

"I take it that you spend time with Paige on a fairly regular basis?"

Kate bobbed her head. "She's been over while I've been here."

"And you're here a lot, I take it," Meredith continued. "My daughter speaks highly of you, and judging by the pictures in Richard's office, he thinks a lot of you as well."

Kate finally caught sight of Rick, but it was useless; he was dueling with Alexis and they were both laughing uproariously. She wouldn't break that up. She hoped Martha had a camera somewhere. "I think highly of them too," Kate replied, glancing back at Meredith, who was giving her an assessing look.

"And, what exactly are you?" she asked after a pause.

"Excuse me?"

"Are you the girlfriend? You can't be, because he's been out with Gina for the past few months. So that leaves the mistress, and frankly, you don't strike me as the type."

Kate clenched the hand furthest from Meredith into a fist and took a deep, calming breath. She had dealt with Paula half a year ago, and she could deal with Meredith. She just needed to stay calm.

"So, that leaves a grey area. I don't _think_ you're using my daughter to get to Richard, since you seem to know more than I do about some of her interests."

"I wouldn't _ever_ use Alexis for anything," Kate bit out. "That girl deserves everything we have to offer," she added.

Meredith hummed. "And you're angry with me, obviously. Though, you're doing a remarkable job of hiding it."

"So observant of you," Kate replied. No, she needed to get a hold of herself. She couldn't sink down to this woman's level. She couldn't believe Meredith was doing this now, at Alexis' party, and wearing a white pants suit, no less.

"But I'm confused as to why, really," Meredith continued. "You've known them for what? A year?"

"In four days," Kate replied. Alexis had mentioned it the previous night and it had made Kate's heart swell to know that the little girl remembered. Rick had suggested they have another party to commemorate the occasion, but Kate had talked them down into just another dinner. One party was enough for her.

"See, that's it. What is this?" Meredith exclaimed. "You know your time with them to the day. What are you? Enlighten me, because my daughter thinks you make the Earth turn, and frankly, I'm not comfortable with that."

Kate spun to face her. "You thought I was the nanny," she replied quietly. "So I doubt very much that you care about how Alexis sees me, and if you do," she stopped for a moment and took a breath. But there was no stopping the words now, not after everything Meredith had said already. "If you do, it's only because it makes you see how negligent you've been in the past year."

"How dare you?" Meredith hissed. "You don't know anything about my life. And you think because you've got something going on with Richard that you have the right to pass judgment on my parenting? Well, let me tell you, Richard will see you for what you are soon enough."

"And then what, Meredith?" she asked. She understood now. She understood why Meredith had carted her stuff to the loft instead of a hotel. "He'll come crawling back to you?" Meredith didn't respond and Kate let a slow, rather sadistic smile cross her face. "You want to know what I am, Meredith? I'm so much worse than the girlfriend, or the mistress, or even the fling. I'm the best friend. And do you know why that's even more dangerous for you?"

Meredith met her eyes. "No. Enlighten me."

"Because I know everything. You can't charm me, or coerce me, because I've been here while you haven't. I have tucked that child in and played with her and read to her. And then I've sat on that couch with Richard and talked, for hours. Beyond that, I'm not sleeping with him."

"Bull," Meredith replied.

"You can even ask him," Kate smirked. She _wanted_ to sleep with him, but at the moment, their chastity, for all that it seemed pointless most days, was coming to her aide. "So I'm not here to get into his bed, or use his money, or _gain_ anything from him. I'm here to love him, and love her, and be part of this family. And you, Meredith, are not part of it anymore, and that just rubs you the wrong way, doesn't it?"

They stared at each other, hazel eyes staring down cold green ones, each woman smiling while clenching her jaw. "We'll see how far that 'love' gets you when Gina decides to go in for the kill," Meredith said softly. "And how could you measure up, really? You're young. And yes, that works in your favor now, but what about later, when Richard wants to settle down again? I don't know why you think you're special, best friend or not, but this won't last."

And there, in the pit of her stomach, was the answer she'd been waiting for. Those weeks and months of worrying about whether she was really willing to put out all of her cards and fall hopelessly in love with Richard Castle, came to a head in this moment. Was she going to say yes and let herself settle in to what may be the last relationship of her life? Was she willing to battle this woman for years to come? Was she going to take that plunge?

Meredith's smile widened. "See, you can't even admit to it. We'll see who's staying here tonight."

Kate snapped. "He's mine," she whispered, causing Meredith to whip around and stare at her. "He's mine, and you can't have him back. I don't know why you ever let go to begin with, but he's mine now. And if you're not careful and can't find it in yourself to be a better mother, _they'll_ be mine. I'm keeping him, Meredith. And about what makes me special?" she turned and found Rick's eyes in the crowd.

He met her gaze and gave her a broad grin, which she returned, watching as his eyes flicked to Meredith in concern. She shook her head and then winked at him, letting her own smile widen. His eyes grew and then his grin became almost incandescent. She turned back to Meredith, who was watching the exchange with barely concealed irritation.

"I fell in love with my best friend, Meredith. And above all, that's all I am. And best friends—to steal a phrase from your daughter—are forever. And believe me," she smiled. "I plan on being here for a good long time."

"You ladies getting along?" Rick asked as he reached them. Kate hadn't noticed him approaching, but he did seem to have good timing with these things.

"Oh, I think we'll learn to get along swimmingly," Kate replied, reaching out to wrap an arm around him, in what she could really only describe as an incredibly catty gesture of dominance.

"That's good," he smiled, leaning down to press a kiss to her forehead. "Wouldn't want you at loggerheads for the rest of our lives."

Meredith glared at them and then pushed off from the counter, walking over to stand at the edge of the carpet and watch the children playing. She stood tensely, one of her white-pumped feet tapping against the floor as she crossed her arms over her chest.

"What did you say to her?" Rick asked quietly.

Kate bit her lip. Oh, how should she explain this one? 'I claimed you and basically told your ex-wife that I would steal her daughter from her if she didn't woman up and become a good mother? Oh, and I kind of insinuated that I was going to marry you and be with you forever.' Yes. That was perfect. Really. No flaws to _that_ explanation at all.

"I told her that I was sticking around and cleared up some of her misconceptions about our relationship. We're not sleeping together, by the way," she added, the thought popping out in a kind of delightful spastic fashion.

"Oh, I know," he murmured, letting his hand graze up her side. "But, uh, did that come up?"

Kate shrugged innocently. "It may have been discussed."

"In what context?" he wondered, sounding half delighted and half curious.

Kate sighed and leaned into him. "In the I'm-in-love-with-your-ex-husband-but-we're-not-actually-sleeping-together-and-therefore-I-win, way," she huffed out. "It got petty, okay?"

He laughed, loudly and comfortably, while pulling her into his chest for a proper hug. It spoke to just how long they'd known each other and been like this that no one in the room but Meredith even batted an eye. "Did you really?"

Kate nodded into his shoulder. "Not my proudest moment."

"Well, I'm flattered," he replied. "But, before I can drag you somewhere and show you how truly flattered," he pulled her closer against him, "I am, I think someone has a cake to cut, presents to unwrap, and the first _Harry Potter_ to watch."

Kate smiled. Alexis, that wonderful, beautiful, distraction of a child was a saving grace, completely and utterly. "Let's do it," she replied, stepping back.

He guided her over to the dining room table and called out to the kids. Everyone gathered around the table and Alexis came to stand between them, with Meredith somewhere down near the end of the table, glaring daggers at Kate. While they sang, she was tempted to stick her tongue out or do a small dance. But she made herself content with the knowledge that she was the one Alexis was holding onto to make sure she didn't fall off the chair as she leaned over to blow out her candles.

Just before she did, she looked back at Kate and smiled brightly. Then she puffed out her cheeks, turned her head, and blew out every candle at once. Everyone clapped and she stood back up as Rick leaned over to begin cutting slices of the big, grey, castle-shaped cake.

"What did you wish for, munchkin?" Kate asked as Alexis leaned against her shoulder.

She rolled her eyes. "I can't tell you that," she laughed.

"Right, right. Sorry," Kate smiled reaching up to straighten Alexis' hat.

"But it was a good one," Alexis added. Kate watched as her eyes darted over to Meredith, who gave her a bright smile. The little girl waved, but Kate could feel her back tense against her arm. Alexis turned back to look at Kate. "A really good one."

(…)

Alexis fell asleep between them on the couch at seven. She'd be indignant about it in the morning, but the party had lasted until five, and then Meredith had convinced her to have another slice of cake after their tense, light dinner. And so Alexis had spiked and then crashed just as Meredith left to go find a hotel to stay at. Kate had no idea what she and Rick has spoken about when Meredith dragged him into the office, but whatever had been said had increased her glare for Kate.

She didn't care. Alexis' head was heavy in her lap and Rick's hand was twisting in her hair as they sat quietly in the living room. Martha had long since left for her own home, claiming exhaustion.

"I'd say it was a success," Rick murmured.

"Definitely," Kate replied. Alexis had been through the roof about all of her presents, from the Hermione doll and castle Paige had gotten her, to the science kit from Kate's dad, Alexis had squealed at every one. And then they'd put the movie in and the adults had relaxed, listening to the kids laugh and chatter their way through the film.

Kate's eyes fell on the little violin in the corner of the room. Rick had told her a few weeks ago that Alexis wanted to learn to play, and he was thinking of getting her lessons. Kate thought it was a wonderful idea. Rick had insisted on paying for the actual instrument, but Kate had managed to badger him into letting her pay for the case, which was no small victory, in retrospect. And so, together, in a display of domesticity that she still wasn't quite comfortable with, they'd picked out the model and a case, and given it to her together for her Birthday the previous night.

_ "Really?" Alexis' eyes were wide and her face was split in the largest grin as she sat with the case open on her small lap. "Really?"_

_ "Yes really," Rick laughed. "Now go on. Try it out, Pumpkin."_

_ Kate helped Alexis lift the violin out of the case and then slid it onto her own lap while Alexis stood and turned around to face them. "Like this?" she asked, tucking the violin under her chin and holding her fingers gingerly over the fingerboard._

_ Kate nodded and then helped Alexis position the bow. She'd had lessons as a child and still remembered, even if she'd ended up ditching the violin for the guitar, much to her parents' dismay. Alexis gave them both a tentative smile, and then, with a sound eerily like a cat scratching a claw down a chalkboard, began to bow across the strings. _

_ Kate and Rick both smiled and nodded along as Alexis got acquainted with her new instrument, and Kate had to hand it to them; they had convincing poker faces. But Alexis didn't sound half as bad as Kate knew she could sound, and she looked adorable in her little blue, frilly dress, her tongue poking out of her mouth and red hair falling everywhere._

_ "I think we've got a maestro on our hands," Rick proclaimed when Alexis paused and looked at them._

_ "Can I take lessons?"_

_ "That's part of the present, silly," Rick laughed. "Of course you can." _

_ She beamed and then gingerly placed the violin back in the case, letting Kate help her close it before she took it and placed it gently on the coffee table. Then, before they knew it, they were attacked by Alexis, who flung herself between them and managed to wrap her skinny arms around both of their necks, bringing them crashing together._

_ "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"_

_ "You're welcome," Kate replied, running a hand through her hair._

_ "This is the best present ever!"_

"You know, I forgot to ask. But, what did Meredith get her?" Kate asked, looking back at him.

He gave a slight chuckle. "A very expensive tutu."

"Oh, no," Kate sighed.

"Yes," he nodded. "And Alexis, angel that she is, happily pranced about it in before you got here, before giving a little performance with the violin. And, by the way, your poker face is better than Meredith's."

"And we can add another layer to my hit list for that woman?"

Rick's fingers danced up her neck and he tugged gently on her ear. "You did really well with her."

"Were you expecting worse? Because, Rick, if your definition of well is a mild-mannered-yet-pointed catfight, then we need to talk," she scoffed. 'Well' wasn't nearly how she'd describe it. 'Short of catastrophic' fit the bill a bit more accurately.

"There was no blood drawn, and I think you'll both manage to be in the same room together again. And, I can't be upset, Kate."

She met his eyes. "And why not?" She probably would be, if he'd said the same to one of her exes. Or she'd at least be horrified that they got into such an altercation and he hadn't had the presence of mind to stop it.

"Because you're going to be around for a good long time," he replied easily.

She blushed and looked down at the sleeping girl in her lap. "I promised I would be."

"And," he waited until she raised her eyes to his again. "I can count on you to keep her in line now."

Kate glared at him and batted away the hand that was still twirling in her hair. "Fat chance," she growled while he laughed.

"Though, I mean, I'm always open to just making out in front of her," he continued, laughing as she gaped at him. "Don't think I didn't catch your little 'he's mine' gesture."

"If you want to remain 'mine,' sweetie," Kate simpered. "You'll forget that ever happened." Men. Irritating, charming, handsome, gorgeous men.

"Oh, but Katherine," he replied, lowering his voice to a growling rumble. "I want to be yours, for a good long time."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I had a LOT of fun with this one. I'm sure you can see why. I also decided to keep it as one chapter, though I think it could easily have been two. Thoughts on that? I personally liked the juxtaposition, and how Kate's decision develops through both parts. But, I'd be interested to know what you thought of it.<strong>

**As ALWAYS, because you guys are ALWAYS amazing, thank you for the reviews, recommendations, alerts, favorites, blogs, gifs and tweets. You're fantastic, wonderful people, and I am so grateful to all of you.**

**Emma**


	19. Chapter 19

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: This would be an actual book (series for length) if I owned them.  
><strong>

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 19:<strong>

"She took her."

Kate looked up, startled, and found herself face to face with an agitated Richard Castle. In the middle of the Precinct. Standing next to her desk. Panting.

"Rick, what…what are you doing here? I thought I was meeting you guys for dinner," she asked, growing concerned. He looked absolutely livid. And he'd never come to the Precinct before. Hell, she didn't know he even knew where it was.

"She took Alexis."

Heads were turning now. "Who took Alexis?" she prompted, noting how his hands were clenched into fists at his sides.

"Meredith. She kidnapped her from school and took her to Paris. _Paris,_ Kate!" he exclaimed, his voice echoing around the bullpen.

Officers were standing up from their desks and walking toward them, looking worried, some already pulling out their phones. "Rick," Kate said calmly and loudly. "Please refrain from saying your ex-wife kidnapped your daughter when you're in the Precinct." The officers stopped and shot Kate sheepish smiles. "She's a witch, but she's not a criminal. Thanks though, guys."

They nodded and went back to their desks, still concerned, and definitely still eavesdropping. Rick was now sitting nervously in the chair beside her desk, wringing his hands. Both Esposito and Karpowski were staring at him curiously. But Kate didn't really have the time to chastise them to get back to work. Meredith had taken Alexis where now?

"Okay, take me from the beginning, Rick," Kate said quietly, causing him to look over at her. "Meredith picked Alexis up from school?"

"Took her out of school," he corrected. "She went and got her at nine this morning, saying we had a 'family emergency.' And then she took her to France!" he recounted, his face turning an interesting shade of red as he clenched his jaw. "Who does that? Who fakes an emergency and then takes their child to France for lunch?"

"For lunch?" Kate repeated. This had to be a joke.

"For lunch. For freaking lunch. The stealing her for a day? Yeah, that I can get. She should have asked me first, but even I'm not above lying to take Alexis out for a fun day every once and a while."

"But Meredith took her to Paris? Like, on a plane?" Kate asked. Dumb question, but really? Really?

"No, on an ocean liner," Rick rolled his eyes. "Yes, on a plane."

"Alexis hates flying."

"There's that too," Rick sighed. "I'm furious."

Kate nodded sympathetically. She was furious too. She was also still reeling from the sight of Richard Castle sitting in her bullpen, after finding the Precinct and finding her. But he'd come to find her. What was she supposed to do to make this better?

"How did you find out?" she asked, glancing at the clock. It was already nearing five as it was. "And how long have you been storming around the city?"

"Found out at three, when I went to pick her up, and then yeah," he met her eyes with a small, self deprecating smile, "I kind of stormed around."

"And ended up here?"

He shrugged. "Sorry?"

Kate shook her head. She wasn't angry. She was a bit surprised, but she wasn't angry. "No, it's okay. If you can wait, I've got a little more work to do."

He nodded and Kate absently re-read the last paragraph of her suspect report. The room was suspiciously quiet and the lack of noise was unnerving, especially because she knew everyone was waiting for an introduction, or more information. The whole place was filled with gossips. Her priority was to get her work done and get Rick somewhere where they could talk and _not_ be scrutinized.

But working was becoming increasingly more difficult, because Rick was just sitting there, staring at her. "What?" she asked, glancing up at him.

"Just watching you."

"Why?"

"You're interesting."

Kate sighed and looked around. She caught Esposito's little grin as he bent back over his own work and she found her distraction. "Esposito. Meet Richard Castle. Rick, this is Esposito."

"Oh, the famous Esposito," Rick replied, extending a hand. "Good to meet you."

"Famous, huh?" Esposito asked, taking Rick's hand. "What has she told you?"

"Nothing terrible," Kate muttered.

"You must be the kid's dad," Esposito continued.

"The kid?" Rick asked, looking back at Kate, who placed her head in her hand and turned her cheek away from him to hide her blush. Right, Esposito had dirt too.

"Beckett keeps a picture of Alexis on her desk. There's one of the three of you now too, but that's in a drawer."

"Really?" Rick grinned, looking at Kate.

"Doubting the word of an Officer?" Kate replied.

"No, no. Just appreciating unknown information, Officer Beckett," Rick replied. "So," he turned back to Esposito when Kate didn't give him a response. He'd entertain himself. He was good at it. And then they could _leave_. "You like video games?"

Esposito sat up a bit in his chair. "Yeah. Halo?"

"Oh, man, have you played the newest one?"

And so Richard Castle was entertained for twenty minutes while Kate made it through the end of her paperwork and pushed everything else from her mind. She couldn't quite comprehend the idea that Meredith had taken Alexis—Alexis who hated flying more than anything—to Paris for lunch. And it was Friday. This was supposed to be their commemorative dinner, since Kate had to cover a later shift the next day. But she could worry over that, and question it, and be oddly disappointed about it later. Now, she had to get Rick back home and calm him down, though, to his credit, Esposito had done a pretty good job.

"Done," she exclaimed, packing the finished papers into her outbox and gathering her stuff.

"Oh," Rick turned back to her, interrupting a very enthusiastic discussion. "Ready to go?"

"Rick Castle?"

They turned and Rick stood, grinning, as Captain Montgomery strode toward their desks. "Roy! Good to see you," Rick replied, extending his hand.

They shook and Montgomery smiled. "What are you doing in my Precinct? Beckett, you haven't arrested him again, have you?"

"Again?" Kate repeated, looking at Rick.

"Ah," Montgomery chuckled as Rick glanced around innocently. "A story for another time, Officer. But Rick, what brings you this way?"

"Meeting up with Kate, actually," Rick replied. "An emergency, of sorts."

"Is everything alright?" Montgomery asked with concern.

"It's fine," Kate replied. "It's…nothing harmful, but it'll take a little negotiating." She wasn't exactly sure of what was going on herself, least of all how to explain it to her Captain. My…sort-of-boyfriend's daughter was abducted by her crazy mother and taken to France, and now he's freaking out?

"Meredith kind of hijacked Alexis from school and flew her to France, for lunch," Rick explained. "And Kate's…I need some sanity right now."

Montgomery tilted his head in confusion but nodded slowly. "Well, Beckett's good for sanity. She keeps this one," he jabbed a thumb in Esposito's direction, "in line."

"Hey!" Esposito exclaimed.

"Just kidding with you, Officer," Montgomery laughed. "Oh, and by the way? We're getting a new uniform after the holidays. Fair warning. Good to see you, Rick. Poker soon?"

Rick nodded and Montgomery began walking away, leaving the three uniforms staring after him. "A rookie, you think?" Esposito asked, looking between Kate and Karpowski.

"Probably, if he's warning us," Kate shrugged. "But it's not for another month and change."

"Does that mean one of us is moving up?" Karpowski wondered. "Or are we pairing off?"

"No idea," Kate shrugged. "Ready to go?" she asked, turning to Rick, who had been listening to their exchange with great interest.

"Sure," he replied.

"Okay. I'll see you guys late tomorrow? Egrin's gonna take the mid."

"Have a nice night, Beckett," Karpowski replied, turning back to her own work.

"Same," Esposito added. "And Castle, we doin' a game day next week?"

"You got it."

They bumped fists and Kate was reminded that male friendships formed quickly over trivial things. God, it had taken her and Lanie almost a month to get it together to have coffee the first time. She was almost irrationally jealous, but she shook it off and began walking away, forcing Rick to follow after her.

More than a few heads turned as they made their way out, reminding Kate that even the most straight-laced Detectives and Officers could be twitter pated in the face of celebrity. But Rick took it all in stride, smiling at the onlookers and casually slinging an arm over Kate's shoulders. Marking his territory, showing her off, just being himself—she didn't have the heart or energy to scold him for it today. She'd already be facing hundreds of questions tomorrow, and at least she'd get it all over with now. Maybe then, when it someday hit the papers, it wouldn't be such a big deal.

They got into the elevator and the doors closed, removing them from the curious gaze of the 12th. "Sorry," Rick said quietly. "I didn't really think that through."

Kate shrugged, jostling his arm. "Would have happened sooner or later. And at least it wasn't a big headline."

Rick's arm tightened around her. "Will there be a headline soon?"

They hadn't gotten a chance to really talk about what her admissions to Meredith had meant. And now, Rick was curious, and she'd just invited his questions, and Alexis was in Paris—Kate needed a few minutes to let her brain calm down.

"We'll talk about it at the loft? Come on," she led him out of the elevator and into the garage, heading for her car.

"I get to ride in the cruiser?" he asked with excitement.

Right, you could actually distract Rick like a puppy sometimes. "Dreams do come true," she replied, unlocking it and pushing Rick toward the passenger side.

He climbed in eagerly and buckled up, grinning like crazy. "This is awesome."

"It's a squad car, Rick, not a limo." Honestly.

"Limos I know. This? Come on! It's like being in my imagination."

Kate laughed and pulled out of the slot. "Well, Christmas for you should be easy."

They drove out of the garage and onto the street, joining the other millions of people trying to get home after work. Kate ran a hand through her hair and sighed, leaning against the door.

"I don't really need much for Christmas," Rick said after a silent minute.

She glanced at him. "Yeah?"

"I've got Alexis. I've got you," he reached over and took her hand. "And Meredith leaves in a week. I'm good." He brought her hand to his lips and placed a soft kiss to the center of her palm. "Well, I'll be good once my crazy ex-wife brings my kid back. God. She took Alexis to Paris, Kate."

"I know," she replied, squeezing his hand. "I'm sorry."

"I just…how can someone do that? How can you go in and take a kid out of school, just to fly her to France? Alexis hates flying."

"I know," she repeated. "But they'll be back tonight?"

"I got a voicemail from Meredith just after they touched down. They're just there for lunch, and should be back tonight, late, depending on whether or not Meredith can get another express flight back."

"That's a quick turn around, especially for a kid," Kate murmured.

"At least she doesn't have school tomorrow. Green light."

Kate looked up and pulled through the intersection. "Don't backseat drive."

"Don't give me reason to," he shot back, some humor finding its way to his voice. "I just can't wrap my head around it."

"Is there any way to? I mean, it's crazy," Kate said gently. "But we'll order Chinese and veg out until she gets back, okay?"

He looked over at her. "Thank you."

She shrugged and bumped their hands against his stomach. "It's my job."

He just smiled and they were quiet for the rest of the drive. Kate knew that this wouldn't be a pleasant, peaceful evening. They had to talk about everything now. It was just time. And while that excited her, and part of her was desperately ready to just say 'GO!' and dive straight in, the rest of her wondered where 'in' was, and how it worked, and what it really meant. And living simply in the happy realization of wanting it 'all,' had been pleasant and warm and comfortable. The conversation however, was larger and scarier than the idea. And of course, to top that off, Meredith had taken the baby to Paris.

"You're thinking awfully loudly," Rick observed as she parked the car and pulled out the key.

"There's lots to think about," she shrugged, wanting to postpone it until they were at least _in_ the apartment. "Let's go inside. I'm beat."

He nodded and they got out, hurrying into the lobby of his building to escape the cold. Thanksgiving was a little over a week away, and the city certainly felt like late November. Eduardo smiled at them as Rick caught Kate's hand and they walked to the elevator. He pulled her into his side for the ride up, and placed a soft kiss to the crown of her head. She smiled and leaned into him, content to take what comfort she could.

It wasn't that she thought the outcome of the talk they needed to have would be negative. It was just…the 'feelings' thing wasn't Kate's strongest suit, and Rick always seemed to have the right words. And so she felt slightly inadequate, and intimidated by all she had to say, with no way to say it. But it had to be done, right? No, she couldn't hide from it anymore, not when it was her key they were using to unlock the apartment.

Rick led them inside and they hung up their jackets and shucked off their shoes, leaving Kate in dress slacks and a grey tee shirt she'd had on under her uniform. She wandered over to the couch and sat down while Rick went to the kitchen to get God-knows-what.

She sank into the soft leather and let her head fall back against the edge of the couch, thoroughly exhausted. But the loft was warm and inviting, and felt distinctly of home, a feeling she was finally coming to terms with. Maybe the conversation wouldn't be so bad. Maybe she'd just built it up to more than it was in her head. Maybe she should stop worrying and…eat all of the crackers in that bowl Rick was handing her.

"Thought you might want something to tide you over. I ordered Chinese already."

"Oh, thanks," she replied, shoving a handful of Ritz into her mouth.

He chuckled and sat down next to her, turning so that he tucked one leg beneath the other and leaned his head on his hand against the back of the couch. He watched her eat. And the best part was that it didn't even bother her anymore.

"So," he said quietly a few minutes later.

"So," Kate repeated, setting the bowl down and shifting to mimic his position.

He stared into her eyes for a moment, as if he were trying to answer his own unspoken questions with answers she was giving him without her consent. "Are we really going to do this now?"

He looked serious and there were butterflies trying to destroy her stomach, so Kate took a leaf from his book. "Well, we could. But I always thought we would do it in a bed the first time, you know? All romantic and such."

His eyes widened and then he gave a loud laugh, coaxing one out of her as well. "Your dirty mind is always surprisingly delightful," he said, giving her a smile. "But, you know what I meant."

Kate nodded. "We have to talk about it."

"Does it have to be a big thing? I mean…" he took a breath and then gave her a soft smile. "Katherine, will you be my girlfriend?"

She gave a small laugh. "It's bigger than that though, isn't it?" she asked slowly. "It's more than saying I'll date you, officially. It's the press, and events, and your ex-wife, and involving Alexis."

"And the sex, don't leave that out," he grinned.

Kate reached over and whacked his chest. "Rick."

He caught her hand and then tugged, bringing her closer so that he could bend his head and capture her mouth with his, sucking gently on her bottom lip. She sighed and opened her mouth to him, aware that this was solving nothing. But she hadn't seen him in two days and God, it felt good. She let her hands rake up his chest to rest behind his neck, toying with the hairs there, while his surrounded her, caressing her skin through the thin cotton of her shirt.

Eventually, they broke apart and Rick rested his forehead against hers, breathing deeply. "That part's simple," he murmured. "And the loving you part is simple."

"But the rest isn't," she sighed, acknowledging the flutter in her heart at his words. "I just…Alexis is special and important and I don't want to ever…" She looked into his eyes and weighed her next words. "Are you absolutely sure about this? Because I don't know that Alexis can deal with another divorce, even if we never make it to married."

His eyes widened and then a soft, kind of elated smile she'd never seen before fell over his features. "Yes," he whispered. "I'm so sure, Kate. And that's why."

"What's why?" she asked quietly.

"You care so much about my kid, Kate. So much that I think you'd be willing to walk away if you thought this would hurt her."

The thought of actually doing it almost made her physically hurt, but she nodded, because if it did come down to it, Kate would walk away. It would probably kill her, or damn near close, to do it, but she would.

"So I'm sure. Surer than anything I think I've been sure about before." He kissed her nose, his hands rubbing circles against her hip and she smiled. "I want to make it to married, Kate. I want to make it through sex and our first fight and moving in and dealing with custody and proposing and getting married and having kids and growing old. I want that. I've wanted it for a while. And I know you do too."

Her breath was stuck in her throat and all of the words she could possibly think to say were trapped behind it. Her eyes were wet and a tear slipped down her cheek, but she couldn't talk. She wanted to say yes. She wanted to throw her arms around him and say yes, because this was the love her mother and father had shared, and this was the man she'd been waiting for. If she could just get herself to move, or speak or do _something_.

"And I know that we're young. And that's scary as hell. But God," he raised a hand to wipe away one of her tears. "I don't want to go through women and wait to find someone like you. I just want you. And that has to be enough, right?" She nodded. She could nod. He smiled, his eyes twinkling. "And we'll figure it out. We'll tell Alexis and explain what dating is, and…huh."

He stopped talking as their eyes met and they both began to laugh. "We're not dating," she giggled, letting her head fall against his shoulder as he buried his face in her hair. "We've never dated, and hell, this won't change that."

He laughed and gave her a squeeze. "Because we've been in a relationship for months."

"And this is all semantics and crap, because this is always where it was headed," Kate continued, though her laughter was fading as all of those words fought to be said. "And I'm terrified, because I want all of that too, from sex to growing old together, and I'm 24. And you have this amazing daughter and if we do this, or…keep doing it but with a label, she's gonna…hell, she's invested already. And there's Meredith, who hates me, and I don't really know how to fix it, and I don't want to. And the papers will get wind, and it'll be in the news, and what will Paula say about your image?" she babbled into his shoulder, her arms still wrapped around his neck. "And I sound crazy, because I feel crazy and…"

She fell silent as he shifted her back so that he could look into her eyes with an expression so amazingly deep and _loving_ that it made the words fall from her lips. God, she needed to get a hold of herself. She couldn't just lose the ability to speak every time he looked at her like this. It was pathetic.

"You're extraordinary, Katherine," he whispered. "Paula can bite me, and we can keep this out of the press for however long you want. Forever, if we have to. And I'm still not asking you to be Alexis' new mom, but we'll figure that out too. And Alexis will understand."

It had to be said. She needed to know. "Joint custody if we ever…if this doesn't end with the ring and the 2.5 other kids, right?"

The smile. Oh, God, that smile would kill her. It lit up his face and brightened his eyes and she felt giddy, and Katherine Beckett didn't do giddy. "Yes," he murmured. "But it's going to end with the ring and the 2.5 kids."

The doorbell rang. Talk about the worst sense of timing. "Chinese food," she said quietly.

"Convenient for all of your serious talk disturbing needs," Rick replied. "I'll get it."

He extricated himself from her and walked across the apartment, straightening his hair and grabbing his wallet from the side table. Kate sank back, rubbing a hand over her face. Had they really just had that talk? Really? And had Richard Castle just said he was going to marry her? He had. Good God.

He came back and sat down next to her, placing the bag on the coffee table. Together, they emptied it and hastily dug into the food, grabbing pieces from each other and lounging side by side just as they always did. He stole pieces of her Sesame Chicken, and she ate his onions, because he hated the way they tasted with his shrimp. She wrapped her foot over his on the coffee table and he leaned partially on her left arm. It was so amazingly normal, like nothing had happened at all.

"To one amazing year," Rick said quietly, raising his container.

Kate bumped his with hers and smiled. "To one amazing year."

They ate in silence for a few minutes, both smiling like idiots and attempting not to look at each other. Kate felt caught somewhere between very mature and fourteen years old, swinging between absolute elation and a quiet sense of wholeness. It wasn't that she wasn't a whole person on her own. She knew that she could be alone; she'd done it before. But having Rick, having this conversation, having _him_—it added something to the independent person she was—a layer of happiness that made all the difference.

"So, when are you moving in?" Rick asked.

Kate choked on a piece of carrot and coughed furiously for a few seconds before she swallowed and looked over at him. His face was red with the effort of not laughing and she jabbed him with her chopsticks. "Not funny!"

"So funny," he replied, finally giving in and laughing.

Kate scowled and leaned forward, jostling him as he fell off her shoulder, and put her container down on the table. Fine. He wanted to play that way? She could play. "So, when are you going to man up and seduce me?" she asked, leaning back and settling next to him so that they were shoulder to shoulder.

He coughed. "Excuse me?"

"Well, you did the declaring. Or, rather, I gave you my consent, and am now your girlfriend. How long is the incubation period before you 'charm me,' so to speak?"

Was she playing with an open flame in the middle of a rain-parched forest full of deciduous trees? Definitely. Did she care? Rick turned to look at her, leaning forward to place his own container on the table before he turned and tackled her sideways, shifting them so that she was trapped below him, his chest pressed down to hers. No, no, she didn't care one bit.

His lips descended on her pulse point and she squirmed beneath him, his hands roving everywhere as hers wrapped back around his neck. "Just how charmed do you want to be tonight?" he growled as he moved from her neck and up to her ear, sucking the lobe into his mouth and biting gently.

Kate groaned. Well, this was unfair. But, no, oh, no, don't stop doing that. "I…" And he'd taken her words again!

He pulled back to look down at her and she brought one hand up to rub across his cheek. "Can I be candid?"

Odd question—she'd have to get used to those in _this_ situation. "Please?"

"I don't want to look back on the first time I make love to you and think, 'wow, after that, I had a big fight with my ex-wife. Great night.'"

Kate couldn't help it. She laughed. Rick smiled and leaned down to press his forehead to hers, laughing with her as she clutched at his back, the smooth fabric of his sweater soft against her fingers. "Okay," she replied, once she'd found enough air to fill her lungs again.

"But soon. And I want to take you out for a real date, with fancy clothes and flowers and without my daughter, no matter how much we love her."

Kate nodded against his forehead, smiling as he pressed his lips to her nose—a gesture she was oddly fond of, as it shot tingles across her whole body. Strange, the things he could do to her with a simple little kiss. "I'd like that," she whispered.

"When?" he murmured, making no effort to move, even now that it was obvious that their little tryst wouldn't get more heated than this.

Kate sighed. It wouldn't be any day within the next week, since she was working until Monday, and then they would be with Alexis on Monday night. Tuesday, she was spending the day with Madison, and then the night getting drinks with Lanie. Wednesday was work, and Thursday was Thanksgiving, which she would be spending with Rick, and Alexis, Martha and Jim. And then she was working again until the next Tuesday.

"We could try for the weekend, after work next week," she replied.

Rick shook his head. "I don't want to keep you out late on a work night."

She giggled. "I'm not twelve, Rick. I can be out late."

"But I want you to relax and have an easy day, and then I can give you the most amazing night of your life. And I promise, no paparazzi. We'll fly under the radar."

"How long can you keep that up?" she asked, meeting his eyes. She was happy about this. She _was_. But that happiness would be easily marred if her face was suddenly all over the papers and she had trouble tracking down suspects because they knew who she was. Or if she started being followed, she would really have issues. And to top that off, Kate wasn't actually comfortable, at all, with being in the public eye.

"If we're careful, a while," he replied. "But, if we're not going public, then I have to keep going out with Gina. And I can, which is fine, but…are you okay with that?"

Being his 'Official' girlfriend didn't really change anything. Yes, it meant that at some point, in the near (yet not near enough) future, they'd be having sex, and telling Alexis, and she might very well end up being Richard Castle's wife…no, stop. Not tonight. But all of it didn't change anything, really, from how things had been yesterday. "I'm okay with it," she replied.

"Are you sure?"

Kate chuckled. "Because, within the past two hours, my entire idea of who you are and what you have to do has changed?"

Rick smiled and leaned down to press his lips to hers for a moment before he pulled back. "No. But, I mean, I'm yours now…kinda completely."

She smiled at that. "But you're still you, and you still have to keep Paula happy. And if that means that you have to go out on the town with Gina, so we can date without flashbulbs everywhere, then I'm okay with it." She was. Her jealousy wouldn't increase. It _wouldn't_.

"Okay," he murmured, leaning back down to kiss her again. "You're sure?"

"Shut up," she growled, dragging him closer.

"Bossy, I like it," he replied.

In a move she'd perfected long ago, Kate flipped them over, still keeping them deftly on the couch. Rick blinked up at her. "Watch it, Mr. Castle," she murmured. "Or I'll get really bossy."

"Please," he grinned.

Kate shook her head and leaned down, stretching herself out on top of him as their mouths drew back together. They kissed lazily and heatedly, alternating with abandon. Kate's mind reeled as they lay there, and she couldn't quite catch up to everything that had happened, that was going to happen. Because really, how were you supposed to feel when you committed to the person you knew you'd spend the rest of your life with? And it wasn't that kind of young, idealistic, 'oh, he's the one for me; we'll be together forever,' kind of commitment either. This was real and hard and messy, and could only really get messier. But she wanted it, so badly that it hurt at times, and now she had it. And what did you do then, when everything you'd been hoping for became yours, officially.

"I can feel you thinking," he murmured as she rested her cheek against his and he carded a hand through her hair some hours later. They hadn't moved, hadn't spoken—they'd just laid there, kissing and not, breathing each other in, and living in this huge commitment that changed everything and nothing at once.

"You can't feel me thinking," she replied.

"Can too."

"There's lots to think about," she said quietly.

"Good thoughts?"

"Mostly," she smiled. "But some not. When will they get back?"

In the middle of all of their important relationship celebration, Kate had realized that Alexis and Meredith would come home that night. It wasn't as though she'd forgotten, but she had to allow herself the selfishness of having been distracted. However, now, with midnight quickly approaching, she knew that their little bubble would soon…

There was a dainty knock on the door.

"I'll take 'now,' for five-hundred, Alex," Rick sighed. "I apologize for this in advance."

Kate kissed his jaw and got up, extending a hand to him. "Apology accepted."

Together, they walked to the door, hands linked. Kate felt his squeezing hers nervously, and wished that there was some way to make it all easier. But there wasn't. Rick opened the door and there they were. Meredith was wearing a long red coat and thick white scarf, looking thoroughly rejuvenated, her cheeks pink with cold and a brilliant smile on her face. Alexis was passed out in the arms of Ernie, the driver. She looked pale, pasty and small. The contrast was almost too much.

"Richard," Meredith beamed. "You'll never guess who we saw in Paris!"

"Meredith," Rick hissed, his face thunderous and tone just as intimidating. "You took our daughter to Paris without telling me."

Meredith waved him off and breezed past them, walking over to the kitchen and setting down her things. Rick followed her and they began to argue. Kate turned back to Ernie, who was looking from Alexis, to Rick, to Meredith and back in confusion.

"I'll take her," Kate said quietly, extending her arms for the eight-year-old.

"You're sure?" Ernie asked quietly, his aged face covered in concern. "She passed out as we got back onto the island."

"I've got her," Kate nodded. She gathered Alexis in her arms, staggering a bit under the weight. "Thank you very much," she told him, watching as he closed the door.

She threw a glance toward the kitchen and realized that Meredith and Rick had left for the office, though she could still hear their muffled voices. She didn't mind caring for Alexis, and knew that Rick had gotten distracted, but it bothered her slightly that neither parent had stayed to get Alexis settled. Then again, Kate was there, wasn't she? And that was where she stood, somewhere between Rick and Meredith and Alexis, not quite a parent, but so much more than a babysitter or the nanny or even the _girlfriend_.

Alexis shifted in her arms as Kate shook her head to clear it and slowly climbed the stairs. "Kate?" she whispered, rubbing one eye just as Kate got to the top of the staircase and walked into Alexis' room.

"Hey, sleepy girl," Kate smiled, setting her down on the bed and switching on the nightstand lap. "I hear you went to Paris today."

Alexis nodded slowly and sat up, blinking, her face stretching in a wide yawn. Kate reached out and smoothed down a piece of hair that had fallen out of Alexis' messy ponytail. "Mommy took me outta school," she murmured. "And we went on a plane, all the way to France. You know, it's really far to France."

Kate contained a small laugh. Alexis was drowsy and sounded younger than she was. "I do know."

"The flights were really long," she continued, her eyes a little wider now. "And there was a baby behind us screaming on the way back."

"That's never fun," Kate agreed.

"Mommy put in ear plugs and fell asleep," Alexis added. "But I didn't have any."

"Did you at least have things to do?" Kate asked, opening an arm as Alexis crawled over to lean against her side. She sighed against Kate's chest and Kate had half a mind to go downstairs and clock Meredith out cold. It would save them all the trouble.

"No," Alexis murmured. "Mommy said we didn't have time to stop and get stuff when we left this morning. She had a book for me, but I finished it on the way there, and we almost missed our return flight, so we didn't have time to get another one like she promised."

"I'm sorry, Sweetie," Kate told her, running a hand up and down her back.

Alexis shrugged. "But we had a nice lunch. And we ran into one of Mommy's friends. He's some movie producer. They talked for a long time."

Yes, bring your daughter to France so she can be bored at a lunch. The upper West Side is just too convenient for such a thing. Honestly. "Did you like the food, at least?" Kate asked.

Alexis shook her head. "Mommy got me pasta, but the other stuff wasn't that good, and the chocolate milk tasted funny. But it was pretty, and the waiter was nice and spoke English, but he had a really funny accent," she recounted. "We weren't there for long. We just ate and got back on the plane, really."

Kate felt Alexis hugging her tighter and she leaned down to scoop the little girl into her lap, shifting back until she rested against the headboard. "Were you frightened?"

Alexis nodded, her fingers toying with Kate's across her stomach. "And I didn't have Hamilton," she whispered.

Kate would have grinned if the situation were different. "And he couldn't take your fear, right?"

Alexis nodded. "I know it's not real but it makes it better. And I asked Mommy to let me come back for him, but we didn't have time." She actually might hit that woman. What mother took her scared kid on a plane without letting her get a stuffed animal that made it better? What mother took her scared kid on a plane to begin with, for _lunch_? "And I wanted to be here for dinner," Alexis whispered. "Cause it's our One Year Anniversary."

"Oh, Honey," Kate leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "It's okay."

"No," Alexis replied. "It's not. And I…Mommy said it was okay to go, and she told the school that something was wrong, but it wasn't. And then we had to get on a plane, and she held my hand, but I…and the food was weird and the other guy talked a lot, and it was dark but we were having lunch, and then we had to get back on the plane. But Daddy and I were gonna take you to Howie's Diner, and I was really looking forward to it. And I had fun in Paris, but I was supposed to have fun here, and Mommy just kept talking about how it was us time, but it was supposed to be our time," she squeezed Kate's hands again and Kate felt a little hiccup run through her body. "And I was scared when we went through the clouds in the plane, but Mommy was asleep and my stomach hurts because I'm hungry, and the plane food was gross and I'm really tired and now Mommy and Daddy are yelling…"

"Alexis," Kate broke in, working hard to keep her own tears from falling.

It was remarkable, how much it hurt to hear Alexis so confused. No parent should put her child in the position to question her own allegiances, or take her to strange places, lying to get there. And Alexis was obviously completely turned around and upset, and Kate didn't really know how to make it better. But Rick and Meredith were downstairs fighting—they could hear them, muffled through the floor—and so it fell to her to try and help Alexis.

"Honey, you don't have to feel bad for not being here tonight. Your Mommy wanted to spend time with you, and that's her right. You and me? We can do something special Monday night, okay? And maybe we can do dinner on Sunday. Your Dad and I didn't go without you."

"I'm sorry," Alexis replied.

"Alexis, tell me something. Did you have fun today?"

Alexis breathed quietly for a minute, obviously weighing her response. "When I wasn't scared, yeah."

"Then that's all that matters to me," Kate replied easily. She wouldn't ever be mad at Alexis, not for this, and not for loving and enjoying her own mother. Meredith she could hate with a passion, but Alexis was entitled to love her own mother—to know her own mother. And, as a motherless daughter, Kate wanted that for Alexis, for her happiness, and because it was something she herself would never get to do again.

Alexis leaned against her and tilted her head back to look up and meet Kate's eyes. "I love you, Kate," she said.

"I love you too, Alexis," Kate replied, dropping a kiss to the girl's forehead. "How about you get ready for bed, and I'll go get you a bowl of cereal and a glass of water so you're not hungry all night?"

"Okay," Alexis replied. "Should I brush my teeth?"

Kate laughed as Alexis scooted forward and Kate stood. "Why don't you, since you probably have stinky plane breath. And then if you don't pass out in your cereal, you can always brush again. But I think tonight, I'm more concerned with getting you fed and asleep."

Alexis grinned. "You're awesome."

"I try. Now go, wash, pajama."

Alexis saluted and made her way into the bathroom with far less vigor than normal. Kate stared after her for a moment once she'd closed the door. God, what she wouldn't do to fix this mess for that little girl. She sighed and left the room, walking down the stairs with quiet steps, eager to slip in and out of the kitchen without drawing attention to herself.

She hurried around the kitchen, grabbing a bowl and cup and quickly filling it with water before searching for the Cinnamon Toast Crunch and milk. Her hopes were dashed when the door to the office burst open and Meredith stormed out, her heels clacking loudly against the floor. She cast an angry glare at Kate, scooped up her purse and then left, slamming the door behind her. Kate looked back toward the office and saw Rick standing in the doorway, his shoulders taught with anger and his hands balled into fists at his sides.

She opened her mouth to speak, not quite sure of what she was about to say, but he abruptly turned and closed the door to the office, removing himself from her. She blinked. She had no idea of how to handle an angry, isolated Rick Castle. But that wasn't her priority, was it? Alexis was her first line of duty tonight, and she needed food. Kate carried the bowl and cup upstairs and into Alexis' room, smiling when she found the girl snuggled into bed against the pillows, Hamilton pulled possessively to her chest.

"I bring cereal," she proclaimed, handing the bowl to Alexis and setting the glace on the nightstand.

"Thank you," Alexis said gratefully, before she all but attacked the bowl, eating quickly and hungrily.

"Not too fast, or you'll get sick," Kate chided.

Alexis smiled sheepishly and slowed down, watching as Kate sat down by her feet. Kate ran a hand over the little leg beneath the blankets and simply sat. She didn't quite know what to say, but Alexis didn't seem to need more words, just the food. Kate hoped Rick would man up and come and see his kid.

She felt bad on some level for thinking ill of him about this, but Alexis needed her father, and he was sulking downstairs. And before that, both he and Meredith had basically forgone caring for their kid to duke it out. Kate wasn't sure of how to feel about being indignant toward him, especially in light of everything they'd decided earlier, and couldn't decide whether she should bring it up or not. But, she'd been there, and that was part of the problem, wasn't it?

Meredith had decided to take Alexis to Paris, conveniently on the Anniversary of Kate meeting the Castles. It was no accident; it was a statement, a gesture of power. But it had come at Alexis' expense, and for that, Kate was rather sure that she could never forgive the other woman. She could never do that to Alexis—use her as a weapon. But here they all were, stuck in some sort of strange domestic battle, and there was this adorable, sweet, brilliant little girl, currently slurping milk out of her bowl, caught in the middle.

"Done?" Kate asked.

Alexis nodded and put the bowl on her beside. She took a few sips of the water and then sank into her pillow. "I'm sleepy," she whispered.

Kate stood and walked to the head of the bed and knelt down, switching off the lamp. The room fell into semi-darkness, lit by the glow of the twinkle lights above the bed. Kate smoothed a hand over the blankets and helped Alexis get situated on her pillow. She turned as she heard a movement behind them, and there was Rick, standing in the doorway, looking a bit disheveled, but remarkably put together.

"Hey, Pumpkin," he murmured, coming to kneel beside Kate. "You had a big day."

"Mommy said we could," Alexis said immediately.

Kate felt Rick let out a low breath beside her and she watched as he raised a hand to run it over Alexis' side. "Oh, Sweetie, I'm not mad at you. I'm just glad you're home."

"I'm sorry I missed dinner," she added.

"I already told her that it was okay and definitely wasn't her fault," Kate interjected.

Rick raised his other hand to settle it on the small of Kate's back and he nodded. "Kate's right, Alexis. Your Mommy took you, and that's okay. It's not your fault at all, and we're not mad."

"You were fighting," Alexis observed. "Are you mad at Mommy?"

The hand on Kate's back tensed and she placed her own on Rick's knee in support. He was furious with Meredith. "I…I wish she'd asked me, Sweetie. But we're okay, your Mom and I."

"Okay," Alexis murmured. "Sleepy."

"We'll let you sleep, Princess," Rick chuckled. "And tomorrow's Saturday. So you sleep nice and late, okay?"

"Kay. Love you guys."

"We love you too," they chorused.

Alexis passed out and they sat there watching her for a long moment, before Rick sighed and stood, offering Kate his hands. She took them and he pulled her up before unceremoniously pulling her in for a crushing hug. His arms were strong around her shoulders and along her back and she breathed him in, there in the dim light of his daughter's room.

For whatever faults he'd shown in neglecting Alexis when they'd arrived, he'd just had a knockdown, drag-out fight with his ex-wife, and Kate could feel him shaking against her. "Come on," she whispered, stepping back and taking his hand.

She led him out of the room, shutting the door gently behind them. She guided him down the stairs and through the living room into his office. Closing the door, she turned to face him and found him collapsed in one of the chairs. Kate walked slowly over and knelt down so that she settled between his legs, resting her arms on his thighs and looking up at him.

"She stood right there," he murmured, pointing toward the far end of his desk. "Right there, and told me that it was no big deal, taking my daughter across the ocean, for lunch—that Alexis had loved it. And she didn't see anything wrong with not having told me, warned me, given me _any_ sort of heads up."

Kate simply nodded and let him talk. She had things to share as well, and concerns to voice, but he needed to vent first.

"And I can understand wanting to see Alexis. I can. I know it's her fault for not seeing her more, but I do get that when she's here, she wants to get as much of her time as she can. She's her mother. I can't stop her from doing that, and I shouldn't. But Alexis _hates_ flying. She hates it more than anything." He looked down at her. "Was she scared?"

Kate nodded. "Meredith said they didn't have time to come back and get anything, so she didn't have her turtle, and had very little to do."

"Because you got to talk to her, too," he sighed, looking pained by the information she'd given. "I stormed in here to yell at her, and we left Alexis with you, and so you got to talk to her, and I should have, and you're probably judging me for it, which you should be." Well, at least she didn't have to bring it up. "And I said that! I said that to Meredith, and she just…God."

He let one of the hands he'd been clenching along the side of the chair fall to run through her hair. "You're amazing. _Amazing_, Kate. Thank you for taking care of my kid, and getting her food, and…being a better parent than even I was tonight."

Kate smiled and leaned her head into his hand. Some knot in her chest that had formed when she'd initially questioned his actions lessened as warmth spread through her at the compliment. "I don't know that it deserves that kind of praise, Rick, but I was happy to help."

"I just…you're not her mother," he said quietly. That stung, oddly, and she blinked in confusion. She couldn't be in that deep, could she? Had she hit the bottom of the chasm with Alexis? "You're not her mother, and yet you're here with her, and you care, and your first thought was Alexis, not what Meredith had done in Paris. And she had the gall to say that you were with Alexis, so we didn't need to worry."

That comment slapped the sting away, replacing it with utter incredulity. "Wait, the woman that would rather cross the River Styx than give me time with Alexis, said your fight was okay because _I_ was taking care of her?"

Rick gave a hollow laugh. "It's a power thing, Kate."

She just stared at him. "I don't follow."

"If you take 'care' of Alexis, and play the heavy, then Meredith can swoop in and be the favorite, be the spotlight, be the star, like she always is. That's all she wants. The day to day? She could care less about Alexis' grades or her fears or short-term goals. As long as she's still cool and beautiful and fun, Meredith's happy."

"So, terrifying her daughter, dragging her out to lunch with a colleague on the other side of the Atlantic, and falling asleep on the plane ride back, leaving Alexis to deal with turbulence alone, is Meredith's way of being the 'fun' one?" Kate asked, truly and horribly shocked.

Rick's eyes grew wide and she realized, belatedly, that she'd just spilled out a slew of facts he hadn't yet heard. "She fell asleep? With Alexis? You _have_ to stay awake! God, is she okay? Was she okay?" he was panicking now, and Kate felt her heart clench for his worry.

"She's okay, Rick. Don't worry. Come on." she rubbed his leg and pressed a kiss to his hand against her cheek. "She's fine. No lasting damage done."

He met her gaze, his eyes wide and hurt and so full of emotion that she rose on her knees and scooted forward to wrap her arms around him. He crushed her to him and breathed against her ear.

He turned his head and pressed a kiss to her neck. "I didn't mean to foist all of this on you, tonight of all nights," he told her.

Kate shook her head gently. She'd been shocked and a bit upset that he hadn't had the forethought to deal with Alexis first, but she'd said _yes_, and that meant being a team with him. She'd signed on long ago to be part of this family—a true, real and honest part of this family. And tonight, she'd had to step up. "If we do this, are we equals?" she asked.

"Of course," came his quick response.

"Then sometimes, I help you with this. Sometimes I knock sense into you, and vice versa. And sometimes, I help put your kid to bed when her crazy mother brings her home from lunch in Paris. It happens."

He let out a shaking laugh and ran his hands up and down her back. "I love you so much," he whispered. "So much. And we're so lucky to have you."

"I would do anything for that girl, Richard," she replied. "And I love you both, so much that it terrifies me."

"But you're here," he murmured.

"I'm here," she agreed, cradling the back of his head with her hand. "And it'll take a lot more than Meredith to turn me away."

Rick held her closer and she felt his fingertips digging into the small of her back. "I told you once that I wasn't getting you out of my system. Climb all you want and look for all the exits, but I'm keeping you, we're keeping you, and we're not letting go."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Well, that was a chapter I've been WAITING to write for a long time. There's a bunch of plot points coming up that I've been eagerly awaiting the chance to write, and this was one of the first ones I came up with for this story. Come on, pass up the opportunity to play with 'Meredith once took her out for lunch, in Paris?' No way! I hope I did it justice.<strong>

**Thank you for being amazing readers and sending me so many messages, tweets, reviews and posts. I read ALL of them and cherish every one. You guys are fantastic.**

**Emma**


	20. Chapter 20

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: No judgment, but I kind of look like an unemployed college kid…**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

**Chapter 20:**

* * *

><p>"Hey, Beckett. Sorry about that writer guy," Karpowski said as Kate returned to her desk.<p>

"Excuse me?" Kate replied, confused.

"You mean you haven't seen…oh, um, never mind," she turned around and sat back down, but Kate's interest was already piqued.

"Seen what, Karpowski?" Esposito was watching them, looking rather conflicted. When Karpowski didn't respond, keeping her curly head firmly facing the opposite direction, Kate turned on him. "What's she talking about?"

"You got a Ledger on your desk?" Esposito asked slowly.

"Yeah?"

"Page Six," he told her. "But really, I think everyone's making a bigger deal out of it than it…Castle's a good guy. I'm sure it's nothing."

Kate stared at him and then found the paper. If Esposito was giving it a build up, whatever Rick had gotten himself into wasn't good. She flipped through the paper and found the Society section. And there they were. Rick and Gina had gone to a big Charity function Sunday night, and apparently it had taken until Tuesday morning to run press about it. _Richard Castle and Publicist, Gina Cowell Sharing More than Manuscripts?_ She snorted. What a terrible and tawdry tag. But then she looked at the picture.

Gina was raised on her tiptoes, whispering something into Rick's ear, and he was grinning as they twirled around a large ballroom floor. She looked relatively radiant in her blue ball gown and Rick looked fantastic in a tux, like he always did. They made a cute couple. So that explained the headline. To be fair though, it wasn't as though they were making out on the front cover. Kate looked at it objectively and then set the paper down. She wasn't jealous, and wasn't upset, and would be completely mature about this. At least she'd try.

"Um, can I still…should I still play Halo with him Friday night, or do I need to punch his pretty boy face in?" Esposito asked quietly.

Kate met his eyes and couldn't stop the small smile that spread across her face. It fit though. They'd been in a few gunfights together recently and it was hard to be under fire and not come out with some affection for the person hiding behind the packing crate with you. And it was nice to know that she trumped Rick when it came to allegiance.

But she couldn't really acknowledge it. That would step over some boundary, and she liked the tentative friendship they'd formed. So she put the paper down and flipped on her computer.

"Remind Castle that if you guys eat all of the tortilla chips, he'll have to get more before Monday, since it's taco night next week."

Esposito grinned and turned back to his desk and they worked quietly for a few minutes. It was Tuesday and they were both covering the morning shifts so that they could have Wednesday morning off. Kate wanted to be able to sleep in tomorrow, since she was staying with Alexis tonight after they went shopping, because Rick had yet another holiday function. Esposito needed to go visit a relative in Long Island—his grandmother, if Kate remembered correctly.

"And tell your grandmother I say hello," she added a few minutes later.

"Will do," he replied.

"Beckett," Kate looked up and found Traikers, one of the older Detectives, standing by her desk. "Sorry about your boy," she said quietly, her red head bowed low so that other people wouldn't hear.

Kate blinked. "Oh, um, thanks? It's not really what it looks like," she rambled. "But, thank you."

Traikers walked off and Kate turned to meet Esposito's eyes. "This place is terrible," she muttered.

"It'll blow over."

Kate hoped so. It was starting to grate on her. And she had enough trouble staying even keeled about Gina, who got to have her hands all over Rick every so often. Not that it mattered, really, since they were actually just friends. But she and Rick had been _just friends_ for a while…No. She wasn't going to let the fishbowl get to her.

She glanced at her clock and sighed. She still had two more hours of paperwork to get through. And as she glanced around, she found more than half of the Precinct glancing back at her. She'd have to punch Rick for that arm move he'd pulled when they left last week. If he hadn't, maybe now the whole 12th wouldn't think he was cheating on her. But he wasn't, and she knew that, so she just needed to find her focus.

After an hour of tedious work, she got up and headed for the break room in a desperate search for caffeine. She walked in and poured herself a cup of the admittedly abysmal coffee and leaned against the counter just as Velasquez and Pelosi walked in.

"And he's practically wrapped around her. If I were Beckett, I'd cut him loose. Who needs a play…hey, Beckett," Velasquez spluttered, coming to a halt and causing Pelosi to crash into her. "Enjoying the coffee?"

Kate simply nodded. She was a few years younger than Velasquez, but that didn't stop the woman from floundering. She looked absolutely horrified. Good. She should be. "Having a good day?" Kate asked.

"Yeah, yes. And you?"

Kate bobbed her head. "Working a half on my day off to have some time tomorrow. Paperwork, you know?"

"Not fun," Pelosi piped up. "Are you okay, otherwise?"

Velasquez elbowed her and Kate rolled her eyes. "I'm fine."

They considered her for a moment and then Velasquez took a step closer. "Because, you know, Beckett. You're young, and men, they're…they're a dime a dozen, you know?"

Oh, God. She was getting the 'big sister' talk. That was embarrassing, for both of them. Please, stop. Just stop. "Thanks," she said with a false smile. "But really, I'm fine. And I have to get back. Have…have a nice day."

She fled, skirting around Pelosi and ducking out of the room. She received more sympathetic looks as she walked back to her desk and she sat down, fuming. God damnit. She'd worked hard to get to where she was. She wasn't a little girl getting her heart broken for the first time. And hell, she wasn't getting her heart broken at all! The paper meant _nothing_. Rick was hers. Gina didn't mean anything.

Thoughts swirled as she attempted to do her paperwork, getting more and more frustrated as her own insecurities capitalized on the article and the gossip. Rick wasn't going to leave her for Gina. He wasn't. And going out with her was just for publicity. And he was doing it because she, Kate, wasn't ready to have her name all over the tabloids. They hadn't even gotten the chance to have a first date yet.

Her phone rang and she grabbed it, bringing to her ear and barking, "Beckett," into the speaker, with far more force and irritation than whoever was on the line deserved.

"Hi, Kate," Rick said slowly. "Everything okay?"

"No," she replied. "I mean…yes, everything's fine. What's up?"

"Um…I was just making sure you're still going shopping with Alexis after school? And you're sure you're okay with hanging with her tonight?"

"Plans haven't changed," she replied. No, she couldn't be this petty right? Rick hadn't done anything.

"Great," she could tell he was smiling. "Hey, can I get a woman's opinion from you?"

"Because I'm more likely to give you a frog's opinion if you don't ask?"

He laughed and she couldn't help the small smile that lit her face at the sound. Maybe he could break her out of the gossip-induced funk she'd fallen into. "What shirt should I wear tonight?"

Kate blinked. He actually wanted a 'woman's opinion.' "Really?"

"Really," he replied. "Because Gina's got some gold dress or something, and I don't want to clash with that, but I need a tie too, and I'm…I'm floundering here."

"What, Richard Castle can't get dressed for a date without help?" Apparently he hadn't snapped her out of her funk after all.

"I…can," he stammered back. Well crap. "Everything okay, Kate?"

"Everything's fine," she snapped. Damn it. No. This wasn't how it was supposed to work. "She's got a gold dress? Blue goes with gold. You can't just wear a tux?"

"It's not that formal," he sighed. "And Paula wants us to match. I'm assuming you've seen the article in the paper today? Paula's delighted."

"Yeah, I've seen it. I've heard about it. You two make a great couple," she replied as she filled in a line on her file, pressing her pen to the paper with more force than was necessary.

"We're…not a couple. Kate, are you sure you're okay? You sound pissed."

"I'm not," she replied. But she was. She was irrationally angry about it. Because Rick was hers and she felt possessive. And she wasn't comfortable with that, or how much it bothered her, or how it was making her want to claw at people who were giving her sympathy for it. Because she, Katherine Beckett, was more level headed than this. And it was his fault. She wasn't quite sure how, and somewhere, in the back of her head, she knew that she was being unreasonable, but there it was.

"Okay. I can let you go if you're busy."

"It's fine. Wear a deep blue shirt and screw the tie. It'll make you devil-may-care, and won't that help your image?"

"I…I guess. Kate, did I do something? You've got that tone, and I really can't figure out why."

"You didn't do anything," she replied. Another line filled out, another irritating pang of jealousy that seemed to open her mouth and make stupid words fall out without her consent. "Have fun on your date. I'm sure Gina will think you look fabulous."

"Hey. Gina hasn't done anything here."

"I didn't say she had. I'm sure she's great. Blonde, coiffed and great," Kate replied. Seriously. Stop talking.

"Really? Are we going there?" he sounded annoyed now too and Kate would have slapped herself if she could just take a step back and look at it more objectively. But, as these things usually do, there wasn't a step to be taken.

"Going where, Rick? You're the one that's going to the party. Make sure you guys get an angle with more of your face this time, right? That'll be great for publicity."

"Hey. I'm going out with her because I have to, not because I want to. And you know that I would rather be going out to dinner with you and watching a movie at home. But I have to do this instead."

"Some sacrifice. Say hi to the Mayor, will you?" No! No, that had been stupid. Damnit.

"Very mature," he replied. "Do you want me to give him your regards? And how should I put that? My girlfriend, who would rather gouge herself in the eye than be seen in public with me, sends her best. By the way, have you met my friend Gina? Doesn't she look lovely?"

Heads were turning to look at Kate and she realized with a start that she was still in the middle of the bullpen. She stood rapidly and escaped to the women's room, fuming. "I'm not the only one who agreed to keep us out of the papers," she hissed as she banged the door to the bathroom open and stormed over to the window. "You said you weren't ready to have marriage announcements floating around again."

"And you nearly passed out at the mere suggestion of them," he fired back. "Don't pin this all on me, Kate. I don't want to spend my evening with Gina."

"Because being out with a gorgeous blonde is such a bother for you!" she exclaimed. "Holding her and dancing with her and whispering into her ear is such a chore, I'm sure." Petty, jealous, irrational and vindictive—man, she'd hit the jackpot today.

"You told me you were okay with this," he growled. "And now you're treating me like a criminal?"

"I'm not treating you like a criminal!"

"Then what is this? Why the hell are you so pissed off? I haven't done anything but cater to your need for privacy."

"Because that need is such a difficult thing to understand? God, just today I've been picked on and pitied because you put your arm around me last week, and now you're rubbing noses with Gina in the paper," she ranted. She definitely needed to stop, but he was fighting back and she wasn't focused on what was right.

"I was under the impression that you were stronger than people's opinions about you."

Wow. "Wow," she murmured, the fight snapped out of her. That one had stung a bit.

She could hear him breathing heavily on the other end. It was an off day for both of them. "I think we need to fight in person," he said after a silent minute.

She wasn't sure if being able to see him would make it better or worse, really. "Maybe," she replied. But they wouldn't be having this argument, regardless, if she hadn't let herself blow up. "Rick, I…"

He sighed and she could imagine him slumped against a window, just like she was, rubbing a hand over his face. "I have to go. I have a meeting and then I have to get back here to get ready. Let's put this on hold."

"Really, I'm…"

"Later, Kate," he said quietly. "Maybe I'll see you before we head out, maybe not."

"Okay." She let her head fall back against the frosted glass. She'd stepped in it big time. They both had.

"You're still picking Alexis up?"

"Of course," she said immediately. "Whether or not I've been a bitch, I'll always be there for her, and nice to her."

She heard him laugh quietly. "That is not the word I'd use, but really, I have to go."

"I'll see you late tonight, then?" she asked tentatively. Crap. How were you supposed to make up for that?

"Yeah. I'll see you tonight."

She at least wanted to try to explain. She didn't like the idea of just letting all of it stew. "Rick. It's wasn't really ab…"

"Kate," he cut in, his voice both hard and soft at once. "I get it. But I have to go. Can we argue about it more later?"

She blew out a breath. "Yeah, okay," she said quietly. "Have a good meeting."

"Thanks. Have fun shopping, without me." At least he wasn't running for the hills, if the pout in his voice was any indication.

"We're shopping for you, so it would be impractical to have you along."

"Right, right. Okay. I actually have to leave. See you tonight."

"See you tonight."

He clicked off and Kate let her arm drop to her side, staring at the dingy walls of the bathroom. What was that? What the hell happened? She'd been fine today. She'd even been fine after seeing the article. But then she'd just snapped and she'd taken it out on him, and he'd fought back. And it wasn't just this; she always got testy at the holidays, and her father got quieter, and she had nightmares. None of that, however, gave her the right to lash out.

She sighed and picked herself up. She had paperwork to finish and then she had to go and get Alexis so they could find a present for Rick. And she had to figure out how to make this up to him. Admittedly, a sincere apology, explanation and discussion of how to prevent 'Sudden Jealousy Syndrome,' would probably suffice. But that didn't seem like enough, especially since they were both stressed. Rick needed to make some final edits to his manuscript, but had been swamped with publicity meetings and family, and she…had enough problems to need an industrial forklift.

Kate spent the next thirty minutes filling out files and wracking her brain for a solution to their problem, and a suitable gesture of apology. But the clock beat her to it, and before she was truly composed, she was on her way to Alexis' private school to pick her up. She took a cab, but knew that the town car would be there to meet them, as per Rick's request. When she got out and paid, she stood on the sidewalk in front of the building, waiting with a bunch of other parents, all holding scarves over their faces or pulling their jackets closed against the cold.

Kids began spilling out of the large stone building, running down the stairs and sliding down the banisters, much to the chagrin of their parents. They all wore green and plaid uniforms, but some were more proper than others, and Kate enjoyed trying to match kids to their parents. The more rambunctious children normally ran to nannies, or more casually dressed parents, while the 'proper' children walked slowly to stoic, obviously wealthy and prim parents or strict nannies.

Alexis skipped out of the building and Kate smiled as she spotted her, her flaming red hair easily distinguishable amongst the blonds and browns. She looked around and then her face split in a wide grin as she found Kate in the crowd. She sped down the stairs and bowled into her, wrapping her arms around her in an aggressive hug.

"Hi!" she greeted, tilting her head back to look up at her.

"Hi, Lex," Kate laughed, giving her a squeeze before shifting her back to get a good look at her. "Are you okay with going shopping in your school uniform?"

"It's comfy," Alexis replied, swinging her hips so that the skirt shifted around her. She was very cute and Kate caught a few of the unclaimed parents watching them, including an attractive man next to her.

"Are you Alexis' nanny?" he asked, extending a hand when he caught Kate's eye, his thousand-watt smile displayed for all to see. "I'm Chris Hanson, Adrian's father."

"I'm Kate," Kate replied shaking his hand. "And no, I'm not her nanny."

His expression fell a bit, but he looked undeterred. "I didn't know Richard was dating. Actually, no, wasn't he in the paper with Gina Cowell?"

"They're not dating," Alexis giggled. "They're just friends."

"And how are you, Alexis?" Chris asked her.

"I'm good. This is the Kate I told you about when I was over last week," she explained. And she was back to being 'The' Kate. Marvelous.

"Oh," his eyes widened with some past recognition. "Richard's best friend, if I'm correct." What exactly was Alexis telling people about her? Apparently it wasn't that Kate was Rick's girlfriend, even though she'd been given permission to do so.

"You are," Kate said with a smile. And his girlfriend. But she couldn't just decide to go public with that now, especially not after the fight she'd had with Rick just an hour ago. Paula would murder them both anyway.

"Alexis speaks very highly of you," he continued. But Kate wasn't really interested in being chatted up, and she could see it coming.

"Well, I think pretty highly of her too," she replied, giving Alexis a squeeze.

"Ernie's here!" Alexis interjected. "Bye Mr. Hanson."

"Nice to meet you," Kate added as she let Alexis tug her away. Were all single parents that easily interested? It wasn't like she looked fantastic today. She was in jeans and a purple turtleneck with her pea coat. She certainly wasn't dressed for success.

Ernie was waiting about half a block away, standing beside the car and Alexis pulled her inside, grinning at him.

"Nice to see you again, Miss Beckett."

"Likewise, Ernie. Thank you for shuttling us around today."

"It's my pleasure," he replied as he shut the door and walked around to get in the driver's seat. "Where to?" he asked as they settled in.

"J&R at Herald Square, please," Kate replied.

"Shopping for Mr. Castle?"

"You know it," Alexis replied. "Do you think he'll like it?" she asked, turning to Kate, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth. Oh, crap, she'd taught her that, hadn't she?

"Alexis, your father will absolutely die for it. You can't see him thinking laser tag is the coolest thing ever?"

"I guess," she giggled. "You think so?"

Richard Castle creeping around his apartment while trying to shoot at Alexis, wearing gear that glowed and made sounds when you shot it, like something out of a sci-fi movie? Oh, Kate knew he'd love it. And he'd love it even more because they had bought it together. It didn't escape Kate that every time she and Alexis did anything together, from baking cookies to laughing at him, Rick melted a bit. At least she knew how to be a good pseudo-parent, even if at the moment, she was a pretty crappy girlfriend.

"I know so," she replied.

Alexis smiled. "I'm glad Ernie came to pick us up then. Mr. Hanson was trying to ask you out."

Kate coughed. Oh, the perceptive and surprising things that came out of Alexis Castle's mouth. "Was he?"

"It's the same way women act around Daddy when you're not with him. And he always says no now, and they look just like Mr. Hanson did when we were walking away."

She wished Rick could hear this. It was both tragic and hysterically funny all at once, which, when she thought about it, kind of summed up both of their lives, didn't it? "Well, then I'm glad Ernie showed up when he did," Kate replied.

"You can't date Mr. Hanson," Alexis continued. "Cause you're Daddy's girlfriend."

Kate nodded and Alexis beamed, scooting over to snuggle into her side for the rest of the ride, content to stare out the window.

_"You're nervous," Rick observed as Kate flitted around his kitchen, trying to put the finishing touches on the Turkey and stuffing, all while chopping a salad and silently freaking out._

_ "Shut up," she replied, adjusting the apron she'd found as she lifted the edge of the tent and decided that the bird needed another three minutes or so. _

_ "Why are you nervous? Your Dad's been here before."_

_ She turned to face him. "You're not a little bit nervous?" It seemed unfair that she'd be alone in this. He wasn't worried about explaining it to his mother, or worried about her opinion or…making too big a deal of everything. "Shut up," she said as he went to open his mouth._

_ He grinned and stepped up behind her as she turned back to chopping up peppers for the salad. "It'll be fine," he murmured, wrapping his arms around her waist and pressing himself flush against her back. "Your Dad will be happy, and my mother will be smug, and everyone will get over it."_

_ Kate leaned back into him as he bent down and kissed her neck, a gesture of affection that never failed to make her smile. "And Alexis?"_

_ "Will be overjoyed. Do you want to tell her before they get here?"_

_ Kate nodded. They'd decided to do the reveal today, since the whole _family_ would be together, and they hadn't gotten to tell Alexis yet because Kate had worked straight through until ten the previous night, and they'd both been outlandishly busy over the weekend and at the beginning of the week._

_ "Lex?" Rick called, not bothering to move._

_ Alexis clattered down the stairs and Kate put down her knife. Alexis would be happy. And if they were lucky, she wouldn't ask too many questions. But chances were that she would. Rick had promised to field most of them, but Kate was still a bit nervous about telling the little girl who had captured so much of her heart. _

_ "What's up?" she asked, as Kate turned and walked toward her, Rick clinging to her back like some sort of sloth. "Daddy," Alexis giggled. _

_ "What? Kate's snuggly!" he replied, grinning over her shoulder._

_ "And your father is silly," Kate added. "But we actually have something to tell you."_

_ "Okay," she smiled, climbing up onto one of the stools so that Kate and Rick didn't have to waddle their collective way to the living room._

_ "You gonna stay attached to me like a koala?" Kate asked, turning her head to glance sideways at him._

_ "I'm comfy," he replied, digging his chin gently into her shoulder._

_ Kate simply shook her head and turned back to Alexis, who was smiling at them. "What?" she asked, feeling a bit self-conscious, which was ridiculous. Alexis was eight. There was nothing intimidating about her._

_ "You guys are cute," Alexis replied easily. "What do you want to tell me?"_

_ "Well, Sweetie," Rick began as Kate squeezed his hands. "Kate and I are…dating now."_

_ Alexis stared at them, seemingly unimpressed. "And?" she asked._

_ Kate gaped and Rick laughed. "What do you mean, and?" Kate exclaimed._

_ "It's not a big deal, is it?" Alexis asked. "You kiss and hug now. And you'll kiss and hug tomorrow. Does this mean…what do I call you?" Alexis asked, finally looking a bit confused. It made Kate feel better to know that they inspired at least some emotion in the little girl._

_ "She's my girlfriend," Rick replied. "But you still call her Kate."_

_ "Well duh!" Alexis giggled. "But do I tell people you're Daddy's girlfriend? Isn't he dating Gina in the paper, even though he's got you?"_

_ "You told her about Gina?" Kate asked, looking at Rick over her shoulder._

_ "She reads everything," he protested. "And…I guess you do say Kate's my girlfriend, if you're asked, Sweetheart."_

_ Alexis nodded. "Okay. Can I go finish my homework so I don't have it to do for the rest of break?"_

_ "Sure," Kate replied, utterly dazed. _

_Alexis pranced around the counter and threw her arms around both of their waists, tilting her head up to look at Kate. "I'm glad you're dating officially," she told her. "I love you."_

_ "Love you too, Munchkin," Kate smiled, laying a hand on the back of her head. "Now go do homework."_

_ "Yes Ma'am!" she laughed, and then turned and ran out of the room._

_ They stood there, staring after her. "My daughter just turned our dating into something almost insultingly insignificant, didn't she?" Rick asked quietly._

_ "She did," Kate replied. "Does she really understand what dating is?"_

_ "I think Alexis gets that we're not really _dating_, Kate," Rick chuckled. "And for her, there really isn't a difference. And if she's not bringing up step-mothers and marriage, I suggest we don't either."_

_ Kate coughed. "Right. Right. Good plan." God. The two of them really were going to kill her._

_ The oven beeped and Rick reluctantly relinquished her waist to take over chopping while Kate got the Turkey out of the oven and set it on the stove top with the stuffing. They moved around each other with ease, grabbing plates and glasses and moving things over to the dining room table just as the door opened and Martha and Jim bustled in, calling out hellos._

_ Rick and Kate called back, and they heard Alexis thunder down the stairs to greet her 'grandparents,' a development of title that never ceased to make Jim beam a bit. The three of them traipsed in and sat down while Kate poured sparkling grape juice for everyone and Rick began carving, pausing to pull Kate's chair out for her._

_ "Are we still in the chivalry stage? Hi, Martha. Hi, Dad."_

_ "Yes. Hi, Mother. Hello, Jim," Rick replied. "Happy Thanksgiving."_

_ "And to you too," Jim replied while Martha raised her glass. "This looks amazing. Did you both cook?"_

_ They nodded as everyone passed plates around, loading up on the huge, garlic roasted Turkey, homemade cranberry sauce, stuffing and mashed potatoes Rick and Kate had spent the better part of the morning and afternoon slaving over. It had been fun, and oddly comforting to make a big holiday meal. And pausing for kisses throughout the process, some chaste and others downright indecent had been wonderful. So far, even though they hadn't actually managed a date yet, and probably wouldn't for another week, dating Richard Castle was rather fantastic, even if Alexis was right, and nothing was really different yet. _

_ Rick sat down. "Happy Thanksgiving everyone," he proclaimed, raising his glass. _

_ "Happy Thanksgiving," they chorused, clinking glasses. And then they were quiet for a while, eating happily and only exchanging words to compliment the food._

_ "This is amazing, you two," Martha announced as she reached for a second helping of stuffing. "Richard, you are hereafter never allowed to cook a holiday meal without this woman again."_

_ "Katie, I can't remember the last time you cooked like this," Jim added._

_ "I haven't since mom," Kate replied quietly. "But this was fun." Rick's hand found hers on the tabletop and he laced his fingers between hers, squeezing gently as Kate watched her father swallow hard. But his face was fuller and he still looked healthy. And he hadn't had a drink since July._

_ "Then I heartily approve of Martha's mandate," he said after a moment, smiling at Alexis and easing the dull ache in Kate's chest. "You'll just have to keep having us over for holidays."_

_ "That's good," Alexis replied. "Cause I think Kate's gonna be here for a long time."_

_ "Yes, I don't plan on letting her go," Rick interjected. "Especially now that I know how well she cooks."_

_ Kate turned and narrowed her eyes at him. "I'm being kept for my culinary skills?"_

_ "I'm surprised you admit to being kept at all," Martha said, glancing at Jim. "I was under the impression that you were _just friends_."_

_ "Yes, have we missed something?" Jim added, glancing between Kate and Rick._

_ Kate went to open her mouth, but Alexis was already talking. "They're dating now. But I think it's silly."_

_ Martha choked on the sip of sparkling grape juice she'd just taken and Jim gave a loud laugh. Kate met Rick's gaze and he just smiled at her. She'd definitely built this up too much. She smiled back and he squeezed her hand as they turned their attention to Alexis, who was watching Martha with some concern as she took a few great, deep breaths and Jim patted her on the back._

_ "I'm sorry, your father and Kate are dating?" Martha managed._

_ "Yes," Alexis replied. "But it's silly. They say 'I love you' all the time. I thought you dated to get to know people."_

_ "You're in love?" Jim asked. "And you're just dating now?"_

_ "We're, uh," Kate glanced at Rick, a bit mystified. They never really spoke about being 'in love' with each other. They just loved each other, but it hadn't been…categorized, per say._

_ "We're dating," Rick replied. "And we'll have to get back to you on the status of the former."_

_ "Excuse me?" Martha chuckled._

_ "Because best friend love and Mommy and Daddy love are different, right?" Alexis asked._

_ Martha and Jim stared at Alexis, mouths open, while Kate and Rick slowly began to laugh. "Exactly, Alexis," Rick replied, his hand bumping both of theirs on the table while Kate giggled._

_ They glanced at each other and Rick grinned mischievously. "Love you," he said quietly._

_ "Love you back," she replied easily. How they loved each other was a matter to discuss later, and at some point when…well, hopefully once he'd seen her naked. And to that end, it might be a while. Work and functions and Thanksgiving dinners seemed to get in the way._

_ "I give up," Martha exclaimed, obviously having recovered enough to watch their exchange. "You don't make sense."_

_ "Perhaps that's the reason they work," Jim mused._

_ "Perhaps this is why we vowed not to do this again," Rick mumbled while Kate shook her head._

_ "Perhaps I could have more potatoes?" Alexis asked._

They wandered around the big electronics store for a few minutes, stopping to pick up various gadgets and test them out, or ponder what they did. Alexis seemed to know more of them than Kate did, and it left her feeling a bit old in comparison. But, then again, Rick was a huge electronics buff, so it wasn't all that surprising that Alexis was schooled and in the know.

The high walls of shelves wound through the store, interspersed with displays for all kinds of things, from the newest laptops to animatronic animals and robots. If Kate had the money, she would have splurged for the T-Rex, partly because Rick would love it, and partly because it was cool. She wondered when she should tell him that she was secretly as nerdy as he was. Or maybe she should just let him figure that out, like a long-term, overwrapped present.

"Found them!" Alexis called, bringing Kate out of her thoughts as she followed the flash of red down two aisles, stopping at a large display. There were about seven different types of vests hanging on the wall, with various models of guns between and among them.

"Which ones do we get?" Alexis asked quietly. "They don't have to be super fancy, do they?"

"No," Kate replied, relieved. She only had so much to spend on this present, even with the added money Alexis insisted on chipping in. Martha's lecture about letting the girl spend some of her own money had forced Kate into accepting.

She reached up and pulled two of the vests down, one in an adult size and one in a child size. They weren't as flashy as the set that lit up and screamed when you were shot, but they were still cool. Black with a few lights and a center target, the vests were stylish and lightweight—perfect for durable wear.

"How about these?" she asked, extending them for Alexis to see.

"They're cool. But we need another vest," she replied.

"Why?"

Alexis blinked at her. "For you," she said, in a tone that made it obvious that Kate had made some sort of ridiculous error. "You're gonna play with us, right?"

"Oh. Well, yeah, I guess I would," Kate replied slowly. She hadn't really considered it. "But I thought this was a present mostly from you."

"Only if you're gonna play too. It's a family present, Kate," she explained. "And unless you're gonna carry me piggy back, two vests aren't enough. And I wanna fly solo. I can take you both down."

Well, with a challenge like that, how could she resist? "Okay, okay," Kate laughed. She reached up and gathered another vest into her arms while Alexis picked out three lightweight guns. "Perfect."

Alexis grinned and Kate led them up to the counter. They stood on line, Alexis chatting about how much fun they'd have and how awesome it would be, while Kate nodded along. Alexis had used the word _family_, which she hadn't ever done before. Kate and Rick tossed it around enough, just like they tossed around a number of other words, because that was just what they did. But Alexis had been removed from that until now. It made Kate want to hug her, and simultaneously made her want to hide, because it was terrifying, being a true part of a family—terrifying in the kind of wonderful way that made her both nauseous and excited.

They paid and then met Ernie outside, climbing into the town car just as the first cars of rush hour started to crowd the streets. She asked Alexis about school and her homework as they drove to Kate's apartment, listening and chiming in when needed. Alexis was oddly fascinating; she seemed to see the world much like her father—as a collection of people to be observed.

Ernie parked and kept the car waiting as Kate dashed upstairs to hide the laser tag equipment, leaving Alexis in the car with a book. She put the bag on her couch and then left her gun and badge in her drawer. As she was leaving, she snagged a cheap Santa hat she'd brought home from the Precinct earlier in the month, figuring she could wear it with Alexis for pictures or something.

She hurried down and got back into the car, smiling as she found Alexis thoroughly engrossed in one of the _Little House on the Prairie_ books. She looked up and gave Kate a smile as they pulled off from the curb, and then continued reading, leaving Kate to stare out the windows. She let her mind cycle back to the fight she'd had with Rick, and how on earth she was supposed to make up for it. Yes, he'd said a few things that were hurtful, and she fully expected him to apologize for those, but he wasn't the one who picked the fight.

Kate didn't often deal with her more aggressive, womanly, jealous, petty, angry, easily hurt side. She'd closed the door on that in high school, after having spiraled down into the world of teenage angst for a few years. But now, it was rearing its head, and she honestly had no gauge for dealing with it. It just grated at her, the way people talked about Rick and Gina, and how they looked in the paper, and the stories Rick sometimes told about the fun they'd had. Though, he usually told them when they were cuddled up on the couch together, just before or just after a heated make out, so she didn't normally mind that so much. But all of it, coupled with her exhaustion and the kind of emotional roller coaster the holidays always were, was just too much.

Before she knew it, they were thanking Ernie and heading into Rick's building, greeting Eduardo as they went. They got into the elevator and Alexis turned to Kate.

"Can we have pasta tonight?"

Kate smiled. "With the garlic onion sauce, since your Dad won't be here?"

Alexis nodded. "Yeah!"

"Of course."

Kate smiled as Alexis leaned into her side and they stepped out of the elevator and walked up to the door. Kate pulled out her keys and unlocked it, laughing as Alexis sped inside and barreled up the stairs, yelling back about getting her homework done before dinner. It never ceased to amaze Kate that Alexis, who was eight and in the third grade, had homework. Kate slowly set her things down and then wandered into the kitchen, listening for Rick. She didn't hear any typing coming from the office, but then she heard the shower going.

She sighed and got down a glass and rummaged around to find the orange juice. She just wanted to apologize. Kate didn't like leaving things raw and letting things stew. She liked to fix things, especially when they were important. And this was important. The shower shut off and a minute later, she heard Rick bustling around his room. This was really important.

She made her way into the office and sat down in one of the chairs, staring at the picture of the spiral stairs behind his desk. She had no idea how to do this. She just didn't. She and Will had fought, but it had never been about something so unimportant yet important at once. And Kate had never let her emotions get the best of her like that. Then again, she hadn't really had emotions to share with Will, for the most part. They'd been good together, but she hadn't shared the same things she did with Rick. She wouldn't think twice about coming over to curl up and hide in his shoulder after a hard case. But with Will, they fixed hard cases with sex, affirming their own lives. But they didn't talk about the emotions. It wouldn't have been fair to unload on each other.

She got lost in thought and was startled when Rick emerged from the bedroom, tugging on a suit jacket over a pair of black dress pants and a deep blue button down that brought out his eyes. He stood in the doorway and they looked at each other.

"Hey," she said quietly, watching as he straightened his collar and then took a few steps toward her.

"Hey."

"You look good," she offered. He did. It didn't help the little green monster raging in her chest, but he looked amazing. It would be good for his press. And maybe she needed to think about it like that; if he worked in Vice, he'd have to do things like this, of a sort. She wouldn't begrudge a partner his work in Vice. It wasn't a perfect analogy, but at least it was something.

"Thanks," he replied. "You look good too."

Kate snorted quietly but gave him a small smile. "Thanks. I look exhausted and like I spent the morning doing paperwork. But thank you."

He shrugged. "You're always gorgeous."

They just looked at each other. They were still them, and they weren't broken, but they'd had a fight. They'd never had a fight before. They'd never had anything to fight over before, not as friends, and not as…whatever they'd been before they'd decided to actually date, even though they weren't actually dating yet.

"Are you guys gonna order in?" Rick asked as he leaned against his desk.

"I'm going to make the onion garlic pasta Alexis loves," Kate replied.

"Because I won't be here?"

"Exactly," she laughed. "Will there be good food at this event?" She wanted to make an effort. She could do that. He deserved it.

"It'll be lackluster, but it's just dinner, not a big function. I should be back around nine, I think."

"Do you want me to have food for you?"

He gave her a soft smile. "You don't have to work so hard, you know. We fought. I said stupid stuff, you said stupid stuff."

Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "I can't just do nice things for you? They have to be gestures of apology?"

He chuckled. "No. Just, you know, don't spend the next four hours dwelling on it. I have to be fully present at this event, and it's not fair if both of us aren't worrying about it."

"Only you would have fight protocol, Richard," she replied with a shake of her head. But it didn't seem like he was mad. He looked…maybe a bit unsure, or hesitant. And there was some amount of disappointment there, but he wasn't angry. Angry might have been easier to deal with.

There was a knock at the door and Rick sighed. "That's Gina."

"She's picking you up?" Kate asked as he extended his hands for her and she took them, allowing him to pull her up.

"It's closer to the loft than her place, and it's a limo, so she got picked up first. Come on, you guys should meet," he added, giving her hands a squeeze before ushering her out of the office and toward the door.

Kate plastered on a fake smile and watched as he opened the door. She didn't really want to meet Gina. And as she came into view, she _really_ didn't want to meet Gina. She was in a sparkling golden cocktail gown that fell to the floor and showed off her impressive figure. Her hair was pulled back in an elegant braided bun that left tendrils of blond hair falling gently over her face and neck. She looked fantastic, and Kate suddenly felt like she was back in high school and standing next to the most popular girl.

"Rick," she greeted, leaning up to peck his cheek. Then she spotted Kate. "Oh, and you must be the Kate he never stops talking about," she said with a smile that disarmed the confused Officer.

"Um, I guess I am," Kate replied, extending a hand. "Nice to meet you."

"Likewise," she grinned. "Oh, it's great to put a face to the stories. You know, I can't remember seeing him happier."

"I…uh…" Kate stammered while Rick met her gaze, smiling.

"Yeah, she's something special," he replied. "How's Ryan, by the way?"

Gina looked from Rick to Kate and back and then bit her lip for a moment. "He's great. He's excited for our trip out to my parents."

"We should get together sometime, real dates with fake," Rick continued.

"Yes, that would be fun," Gina replied. "But we've got to go. Say hi to Alexis for me? I haven't seen her in ages," she added.

"Will do," Kate nodded. And now she felt like a complete ass. Great. Gina gave Kate a smile and then disappeared into the hall while Rick turned to look at her. "Would you like a big gift basket or a sky writer?" she asked, sighing slightly.

"For what?"

"Because nothing says 'I'm an ass' like sky writing," she continued, meeting his eyes. "I would say that you're playing dirty, but I kind of deserve it."

He smiled and leaned down to pull her in for a kiss, wrapping one arm around her as he held the door open with the other. "Not an ass. I don't think jealous and slightly passive aggressive really suits you, but somewhere in the middle of that fight was an ego boost," he murmured as he rested his forehead against hers.

She snorted. "Right."

"Have fun with Lex. And hey, maybe we can have makeup sex later."

She went to fire something back but Gina's voice interrupted her; "You know, holding the door open means I can hear you. And I'm sure you're great, Kate, but I really don't need this much information, Rick."

Kate blushed and Rick's mouth opened and closed for a second before he grinned mischievously and leaned down to capture her mouth one more time. "Okay, gotta go. Think on that, yeah?"

"Go. Dance. Take pretty pictures," she laughed, pushing him out of the apartment. "Keep him in line, Gina. No Police Horses."

"Police Horses?" she asked, popping back into view while Rick gaped at Kate.

"What, you don't think I went and looked for that prior arrest after Montgomery's little slip?" Kate asked innocently. "I'll have to tell you about it sometime, Gina. Mr. Castle here had an exhibitionist streak."

"Oh, thank you," Gina laughed. "Now we have something to talk about tonight."

"You'll pay for that," Rick threatened, glaring at her, even as his eyes sparkled.

"Go and do your job, Richard," she replied, shaking her head at him. She watched as they made their way down the hall and then she stepped back into the apartment and closed the door.

Kate leaned back against it and blew out a breath. She turned her head and let it rest against the door and her eyes fell on the Santa hat that was poking out of her purse. Slowly, a smile spread over her lips and she knew the perfect way to apologize.

(…)

"Kate?"

"In here," she called quietly, listening as his footsteps approached the office, dragging tiredly against the wood. He was at least an hour late, and had called to tell her that they'd been roped into a meet and greet.

She shifted in his desk chair and raised a hand to adjust the hat on her head as he opened the door. He stopped cold in the doorway and stared at her.

"Merry Christmas to me?" he asked after a silent moment, his eyes wide and a grin slowly spreading over his face.

It was surprisingly easy to fashion a skimpy dress out of two pillowcases and a belt. And it helped that they were the perfect color green. Kate stood slowly so that Rick could appreciate the faux-elf costume she'd managed to put together once Alexis had gone to sleep. It was a two-piece number, with one pillowcase serving as a sort of toga top, ending just above her navel, and the second pillowcase fashioned as a short skirt that was very loosely attached to her body by one of Rick's belts. She'd have to ask why he had a bright red belt, but that wasn't the point tonight. The Santa hat was the finishing touch, and Kate was rather proud of the dumbstruck expression on Rick's face at the sight of her.

"Ya polnaya dura" i "ty bilochen' horoshim mal'chikom v etom godu, " sovsem kak kostum elfa"," she said, her voice low and throaty as it rumbled through the Russian words.

Rick's mouth fell open and he stumbled toward her, reaching out to wrap an arm around her bare waist as his other hand came and tangled in the back of her hair. He pulled her mouth to his and kissed her fiercely, biting gently at her lower lip and then sucking, groaning as she released a little moan. She loved it when he did that, and he knew it.

When they broke apart, his eyes roamed her body, even as he continued to hold her tightly to his chest. "What did you say?"

Kate smiled. "Nothing says, 'I'm a complete idiot,' and 'you've been a very good boy this year,' quite like an elf costume," she replied.

He chuckled and then pressed a kiss to the tip of her nose. "I didn't have time to change, but I need to jump on this little sorry chain too. I was out of line. I know you don't care about what people think, but even the strongest of us get weighed down, and this is new for you."

"Thanks, but I shouldn't have taken it out on you. Everyone at the station was giving me their condolences, since they all thought you were cheating on me, and by the time you called, I was just so pissed, and I kind of snapped," she mumbled.

"I do like to think that you trust me enough to know that I would never, ever, cheat on you," he said after a moment.

Kate looked up to meet his gaze and nodded. "I do know. And I do trust you. I promise you that." Jealous or not, she knew very well that he wouldn't cheat on her. She didn't worry about that. Because he couldn't look at her like that and have someone on the side. She knew that she was the only one seeing that smile.

"Good," he murmured. "Maybe after the holidays we can talk with Paula about easing us into the papers? Make it a painless process?"

"Does such a thing exist?" she asked, running her fingers through the hairs at the nape of his neck.

"If not, we'll make it exist," he replied.

That sounded fair enough. And it was a while away, so maybe she'd be able to wrap her head around the idea by the time they needed to give a statement. At least she hoped she could find the kind of maturity to get to that point. "Okay."

They stood there for a moment, smiling at each other as the last of the angst and worry fell away. "So, now that our fight's officially over, and in one day, I might add, is there, a, uh, secondary function to this outfit?" Rick asked, running a hand over the bare skin of her back.

Kate let her smile turn from adoring to lustful and gave a small shrug. "Well, I did think it was customary to open one's Christmas presents."

Rick grinned and then she felt his hands slipping up to undo the knot at the back of her top, letting it fall down to reveal her lacy, red brassiere. She couldn't actually take credit for it, since it had been the last clean one she could find that morning, but if the dark color of his eyes and his hot trailing fingers were any indication, it had been a good day to run out of clean laundry.

"God, you're gorgeous," he murmured, leaning down to press a string of hot, open mouthed kisses up her neck as her hands worked into his jacket and pushed it from his shoulders. "Merry Christmas to me indeed," he added as she tossed the jacket toward one of the chairs and zeroed in on the buttons of his shirt, deftly freeing every one until the shirt hung open.

"We either need to close the office door or take this celebration somewhere more private," she managed while his fingers toyed with the clasp of her brassiere, his lips busy teasing at her neck, and jaw, and ear.

"What are you suggesting, Miss Beckett?" he growled.

"That if you're going to keep unwrapping me, we need to be somewhere where we won't ruin Christmas morning for Alexis forever." But oh, she didn't want him to ever stop. Had his lips always been this talented?

He hummed against her skin and began to walk them backward toward his room, pausing to meet her in a set of hot kisses that kept them stumbling and off balance all the way to the door. "Is it bad that I find that sexy?" he asked as they crossed the threshold and he kicked the door closed.

"Find…what sexy?" she stammered as he finally managed the clasp and her brassiere fell away, leaving her bare from the waist up.

His eyes traveled up and down, focusing on her chest and then her swollen lips and her dilated pupils. "You mean besides this?" he replied, pulling her back to him after she helped rid him of his shirt.

She ran her hands up his firm chest and then wrapped them around his neck, dragging him back down to her. Their mouths met and she pressed herself to him, enjoying the feeling of being completely surrounded by his warm arms, hot against her cool exposed skin. He shuffled them back and hit the bed, pulling her down with him as he fell back. Then he flipped them quickly and rose over her as she scooted up toward the pillows, smiling as he followed her movement for movement.

His eyes were drinking in the sight of her, panting on his comforter, her hair probably already riled up. She could feel her answering smile, even as she bit her lip, a bit self-conscious under his gaze. Because she couldn't remember the last time someone had looked at her like that—like she was a goddess or some sort of heavenly being. It warmed her heart and lit her nerves on fire as he trailed a hand up her stomach and over her chest, leaning down to pepper her face with butterfly kisses.

"You know that you're the only one I want to do this with," he murmured as he pulled back to look at her. "Promise me you believe that."

"I promise," she assured him. She'd have to prove it, because he deserved to know that she trusted him, but the words were what she had now. "I believe you, and you're the only one I want to do this with. Promise me you believe that too."

"I promise," he replied. "There's no going back, you know."

"Oh, I know." This was it and it was probably forever. But that was too big to think about tonight, since just the look in his eyes was nearly enough to topple her over.

"You're sure?" he whispered, as he rested one hand beside her head and laid his other on her stomach, warm and large.

She met his eyes. "Yes," she replied, arching up to meet him in a kiss. "Now, unwrap me, Mr. Castle. It's impolite to keep the gift giver waiting."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Disclaimer: I used Google Translator to procure the Russian translation. If anyone reading this speaks Russian, please let me know if it's horribly mangled.<strong>

**This chapter was fun to write, in a kind of sadistic way. And look, Ma! No Ginagate! I figure that I didn't need to defame EVERY one of the other incidental women in Rick's Canon life. And as much as I hate Canon Gina, I never got the feeling that she was a bad person. So, there you go. **

**As for the Album Version of this chapter—it will happen. I don't have it ready now, and it may take a while (and perhaps when I present it, it will have more than one chapter), but it will eventually come into being. For now, you'll all just have to be satisfied with the lead up, and use your own imaginations. I have a feeling you're just as creative as me, especially when it comes to the more, ahem, mature content.**

**Also, for a view of Rick and Kate cooking Thanksgiving, check out this graphic by Hysterical-blindness from Tumblr: http:/ . tumblr. com/tumblr_lqf2nygQLT1qcbgf2o1_500. jpg. (remove the spaces to view) It's exactly how I envision them to look in my head...without the slight baby bump. And no, that's not a subtle spoiler.  
><strong>

**As always, you are all amazing, and I love you for being such a fantastic and enthusiastic group of people.**

**Emma**


	21. Chapter 21

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Yeah, Hurricane Irene isn't bothering the actual writers.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 21:<strong>

Katherine Beckett had never been a girl to draw hearts on her notebooks. She was never one to pick at flower petals or stare dreamily out windows, wondering whether 'he loves me, or he loves me not.' She was never one to pine after men, or think about them constantly. She had never been consumed by thoughts of hands and eyes, lips and skin, blushing at the thought of nights past. She had always been above such things and looked down on them as something immature. She was an independent woman, and when she wasn't with a man, she didn't think on him often, or at least only did it privately.

But Richard Castle didn't like to be kept in a box in her head. He crawled out, exploring every part of her psyche, accosting her with smiles behind her eyes when she looked at crime scenes, reminding her of caresses as she walked down windy streets, teasing her with kisses as she sipped warm coffee. He was everywhere, and she couldn't have been more peeved by it.

"I am fully distracted and I blame you," she offered as she opened the door to the loft a week later, glancing around as she shut it and shrugged off her jacket. "It took me three tries to finish my paperwork this afternoon. Do you know how often that happens? Never."

Rick approached her, grinning as she slipped out of her shoes and met his eyes. He looked comfortable, wearing a pair of sweat pants and an old tee shirt covered by a Columbia sweatshirt. "I take it you had a dull day at the Precinct?" he asked as he reached out and hauled her into his chest, bringing his mouth down to meet hers.

Kate allowed herself the moment of pure sensation, feeling his soft, full, talented mouth moving against her own. He smelled like his aftershave and the lilac scented dryer sheets he used for Alexis' bedding and other incidental laundry. It was a bizarrely enticing scent and when they broke apart, she was happy to bury her face into his neck.

Truth be told, they _hadn't_ had a boring day at the Precinct. The team was hot on a new Homicide and Kate had spent the better part of the morning rooting around the murder scene of a young mother, strangled, beaten and laid out on the flowery bedspread of her youngest daughter. The kids were safe—had been at school—and the father was nowhere to be found. The whole day had left her with a bitter taste and a wounded sense of wonder.

The fact that her mind had decided to overcompensate by supplying all sorts of pictures of Richard Castle, from tame and tender to undeniably hot and most assuredly bothering, had been utterly distracting. But, distracting as it was, it had only served to make the day more difficult.

"Do I need to apologize for something?"

Of course, now that she was here, her brain was simply shutting off. "Hmm?"

"You said you were distracted, and it was my fault?"

Right. "Yes," she replied, pulling back to look at him. "It's entirely your fault."

"I didn't call at all today," he defended. "I let you work, just like you told me to, and I finished my outline for the next book. What could possibly be my fault?"

Oh, this was just going to stroke his ego, wasn't it? But she was annoyed by it, so she let the words tumble free, "I can't stop thinking about your hands and your eyes and your God damned lips," she told him seriously, as though she were talking about economic statistics. "And my mind wanders and all I can see is you last night, and all of the things said hands and eyes and lips did to me, and I can't focus on anything," she finished, poking his chest.

Yep, his face split in a shit-eating grin and he laughed, loudly. "Am I supposed to be intimidated? 'Cause darling, now I just want to do more to you."

"No!" she glared. "Fix it. And don't call me darling." Of course she was being irrational. Rick was most assuredly not the person to ask to help get him _out_ of her head. But all she wanted was to toss him down on the couch and…let her inner teenager dictate the rest of the evening. But she was an adult, with restraint and decorum and a job that couldn't be overruled by dirty thoughts.

"Damn. I kind of liked darling. And how am I supposed to fix this? You think I'm doing better?" He leaned down and grazed his lips over her pulse for a moment. "You seriously think you've got it bad? Think about being here, staring at my bed through the door to my office."

"No way," she countered, running her hands over his shoulders and neck. "If you write a sex scene, you'll sell a million more copies. If I screw up and write Rick instead of Bradley, you could end up in jail."

He laughed and brushed her nose with his. "Okay, maybe you had the harder day," he replied.

Kate let out a little sigh. All annoyance at him and herself and her filthy mind aside, she'd had a horrible day. "Yeah," she murmured, a small smile falling over her lips as he peppered her face with kisses. It was one of his signature gestures of comfort and she squeezed his neck gently in thanks.

"Bad case?" he asked, pulling back to look her over. "What can I get you? Wine, food, bath, my kid?"

"Where is Alexis?" Kate asked, noting belatedly that there was no sound coming from the room at the top of the stairs.

"She's having a sleepover with Paige tonight. But I can get her back."

Kate snorted. "No, I'm not letting you pull Alexis away from her best friend so I can have a hug."

"Will a hug from me suffice?" he asked, pulling her back into his chest and wrapping his arms around her, engulfing her in his body and his smell and the soft feeling of his lips against her forehead.

"It'll do," she mumbled into his shoulder, laughing as he gasped in mock-outrage.

"Let me get this straight then," he murmured into her ear. "My body is good enough to be a day-long distraction, but my hugs are second rate?"

"You sound like a pouting eight-year-old." He tugged her closer in response and found her earlobe, pulling it between his teeth. She laughed and sighed at once, expelling both in a breathy pant. "Yes, yes, point proven."

He chuckled and then took a step back, releasing her. "How can I help?"

Kate shook her head. "I'm good, but thank you." She was tired, but not particularly hungry. The whole day had left her a bit queasy and all she really wanted to do was curl up on the couch with him. "Wanna watch a movie or something?"

He smiled and nodded before guiding her over to the couch and lying down, beckoning her to him. She lay down and he immediately wrapped an arm over her stomach and nuzzled his face into her hair. "Rick," she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"I can't reach the remote," she replied, extending an arm toward the coffee table, where the remote was just out of reach.

"TV's boring anyway," he chuckled, shifting her hair aside so his lips could find the curve of her throat. "M'glad you came over," he murmured against her skin as she twined her fingers through his on her stomach.

"I couldn't have stood the whining tonight on the phone if I hadn't," she replied easily, even as she sighed and angled her head away so he could reach more of her throat.

"You're a terrible liar," he replied. "I know you missed me yesterday."

"Awfully…con…confident of yourself," she managed, trying to keep up the image of being unruffled. But he was sucking on her ear in that way he knew would make her knees crumple, and she felt herself arching back into him.

"If you missed me even half as much as I missed you, then yeah, I am," he breathed against her ear. "I didn't think it was possible to want to touch you _more_, or see you more, or just have you here more, but I was wrong."

"It's distracting," she whispered, bringing their hands up to her chest and cradling them against her heart without really thinking about it. "The wanting."

"Extremely," he grinned into her neck.

"I would have thought it would get easier, not harder," she admitted, shifting in pleasure as he slid his leg between hers, tangling them together.

He sucked in a breath and then let it out, hot against her skin. "I have many responses to that, you know."

"Each more profane than the last, I'm sure," she laughed. "But you know what I mean."

"Sex changes things," he replied, his voice soft. "And making love changes more."

Kate tried to keep her face neutral, but the smile that spread at the words would not be contained. "You know, I've never liked the term 'making love,' much."

"Not surprising," he chuckled. "But you can't possibly call what we've done this past week 'sex.' It would be an insult to it."

"No, but 'making love,' isn't it either. Love exists without the physicality." She'd never been one to romanticize what was physical. After using what was physical to drown out what was emotional after her mother's death, and using a number of men to do it, 'making love,' had lost its charm. And she had loved Will, but the connection she'd need to use the moniker hadn't been there.

"The physicality simply releases hormones to make the love more potent, and ultimately to increase the desire to practice the physicality. Then, with the strengthened love, both Homo Sapiens are more likely to stick around to raise the product inevitably produced by the physicality," Rick expounded against her jaw as he worked a stream of kisses between the words.

Kate sucked in a breath as he found her pulse and let his words tumble through her mind. "Either you just implied that we're practicing to create a baby, or reduced sex to a purely animalistic survival tactic."

Rick's assault on her neck paused and she felt him breathing against her, obviously weighing his options. She bit her lip to contain her smile. "I don't really like either of those choices," he decided. "Well, no, that's a lie. At some point, I'd like option one, but not now."

It was Kate's turn to breathe and decide what to say. They hadn't talked kids. They were safe, and knew it, and never bothered to discuss it, largely because they were so busy being physical when alone that it didn't much matter. It was like a magnet had been unleashed that drew her to him now; it probably _was_ the hormones, but wasn't that horribly unromantic?

"We don't have to discuss this right now," he whispered.

Kids. Children. Babies. Tiny clusters of cells that developed in your womb and made your stomach swell as they survived off of your blood until you physically squeezed them out of your body after nine months. Rick wanted to have a child with her? Where were those years of her life, again? "I…" They were probably stuck behind the lump in her throat.

"Hey, relax," he chuckled. "We haven't even slept together in your bed at your apartment yet."

"What, you want to sleep on my pathetic mattress?" she asked, happily diving into safe territory with him. "With your king-sized piece of heaven? Please."

"If my bed is so superior, perhaps you should just be in it permanently," he quipped back.

"I'm not moving in with you," she replied just as quickly, in a game they'd been playing, dangerously, for the past week.

"Pity," he growled, delving back into the task at hand. "At least say you'll stay tonight?"

Kate pretended to consider the offer. They both knew she'd be staying. She had for five of the nine past days, and she couldn't imagine that changing much. If they weren't careful, she _would_ end up moving in. Though, as Rick's hand began to wander and she turned and met him in a consuming kiss, Kate had to wonder exactly why that would be a bad thing.

(…)

"No, don't get up," Rick groaned into her shoulder as the alarm blared through the room.

"Have to," Kate rasped, reaching up with her free hand to wipe the sleep from her eyes. It was disgustingly early and they had gone to bed late—astonishingly late.

"But Santa needs sleep," he replied, tightening the arm he'd thrown over her stomach. "And he sleeps best when he's got his elf in his bed."

Kate blinked and waited until she felt him kiss her shoulder—his silent apology for disturbing statements. "This _elf_ has to go catch some elf killers. And the sooner you let her go, the sooner she comes back."

"You seriously have to work on Christmas day?"

"No."

"What?"

"Since last night—and by last night I mean about two hours ago—that answer has changed and I magically don't have to work."

"Santa did get my letter!" he grinned.

Kate rolled her eyes and then turned to meet him in a chaste kiss. "Sorry, I was lying."

Rick gave a dramatic sigh. "And the magic of Christmas is forever ruined."

"We'll see if you still say that once you open your present," she yawned.

He rose over her and their tired eyes met as he brushed a stray hair from her face. "Merry Christmas, Kate."

"Merry Christmas, Rick," she replied, smiling up at him.

"Are you sure you have to leave?" he murmured.

"I had Christmas off last year. It's Egrin's turn."

"I hate him," Rick grumbled.

"You've never met him!"

"But he gets to spend Christmas with his girlfriend or wife, or…whatever. And you have to be at work. So I hate him." She shook her head and leaned up to kiss his jaw before she rolled away. She stood slowly, every muscle protesting against the cold on her skin. "I seriously hate him," he continued, watching as she moved around the room to grab clothes.

She glanced back at him and found him watching her every motion, his eyes wide and cheerful even as he yawned. "You'll get me back tonight."

"I better," he replied easily. "Sure you don't need company in that shower?"

She smiled. She'd love company in the shower, but she didn't have time. "I'm good. Put some boxers on before Alexis comes in here," she added as she stepped into the bathroom and closed the door gently behind her.

For the first time since joining the force, she wished that she _did_ have Christmas off. They'd spent all of last night watching Christmas movies and playing games until Alexis passed out. Then she and Rick had transformed the living room from festive to fantasy, filling it with presents and holly and more fake snow than was probably healthy. But it had been fun, and she'd been cheerful the whole time. She hadn't felt the melancholy that normally consumed her, and even her father had sounded relatively happy when he'd called to confirm his attendance for the next night.

The Castles had staunchly refused to celebrate without her. Kate had begged and pleaded with them to go about the holiday like normal, but they'd been adamant. And so they were going to spend the day at the park and at a local soup kitchen, until Kate was off shift and could come _home_ for presents and Christmas dinner with the _family_. It wasn't her home, and technically only one of the parties would be her family, but it didn't feel that way.

She went about her morning routine, showering quickly and applying make up to hide the bags under her eyes. She didn't regret a minute of the previous night, from playing Santa to the thorough ravishing that had followed, but she was tuckered out. But at least this year, after she'd written up sixteen suspects and heard about at least three domestic homicides, each more gruesome than the last, she'd get to come back to the loft and enjoy a real Christmas.

She came out of the bathroom and smiled. Alexis had in fact already tiptoed in and was now snuggled up next to her father, his arm thrown over her little body. She was holding Monkey-Bunky and had her other hand fisted into his shirt as they slept. Kate walked around to her side of the bed and picked up the disposable camera she'd left there last night, already anticipating this moment.

She held it up and took a picture, wincing at the loud 'click,' that emanated from the small device. Rick's eyes fluttered open and he looked up at her from his position behind Alexis.

"Wha're doin?" he slurred.

"Go back to sleep, handsome," she replied quietly, the endearment slipping out of its own accord. "I'll see you tonight."

"Merr Chris, Kathr…" he replied.

"Merry Christmas, Richard," she whispered, leaning down very carefully to kiss his cheek. She ran a hand over Alexis' head and then quietly padded out of the room, shutting the door behind her.

She made a detour to the kitchen to grab a muffin to scarf down on her way out and then doubled back into the office for her gun, punching the code into the safe without thought. Even a few months ago, having the code to Richard Castle's safe would have seemed amazing—like a sort of delayed reaction to just how crazy it was that she was in his life—but now it was mundane. There wasn't a part of this apartment that she didn't know as well as her own, or better than her own.

"You really ought to just move in," Martha said as she stood on the last step of the staircase, watching Kate while she flitted back through the kitchen.

Kate stopped cold and turned to look at her. "You taught Rick his ninja room entering skills, then?" she asked, shocked to see the matriarch. "And why are you up?"

"I wanted to get to wish you Merry Christmas," Martha shrugged, stepping off the stairs to meet Kate at the door, watching as she shrugged into her coat.

"Merry Christmas," Kate replied, knowing that arguing about the absurdity of waking up before six to see her off would fall on deaf ears.

Martha smiled. "And really, you ought to."

"Not yet," Kate told her.

"But soon?"

Kate bit her lip. She and Rick had talked about it, but she wasn't ready to talk about it with anyone else.

_Kate couldn't remember the last time she'd woken up to the feeling of kisses against her back. But they were there, trailing over her skin, warm and wet, rising up from the bottom of her spine and all the way to the nape of her neck as she lay sprawled on her stomach._

_ She sighed happily and lazily stretched a hand out to twine with the one to her right, where Rick's large hand was pressed into the mattress, giving him leverage to continue his pleasurable assault on her back. _

_ "Hi," she whispered, turning her head so that she could blink back at him, catching his eye. "How long have you been up?"_

_ "I saw Alexis off," he replied, leaning down so that he covered her, back to front. He bent his head and kissed the corner of her mouth. "Hi back."_

_ "You should have woken me. I would have had breakfast with you guys." It felt wrong to stay over and not see Alexis the next morning. Even if…no, it still felt wrong, naked in Rick's bed or not._

_ "You were out," he chuckled. "And don't worry. Alexis wasn't hurt. I don't think she even knew you were still here, actually."_

_ "Oh."_

_ He watched her for a moment. She wasn't quite sure what to think about that. It wasn't like Alexis knew about sex, or at least she didn't know about it outside of the conception part of pregnancy. So she wouldn't jump to conclusions, but Kate felt odd. And if she was going to stay over more, would they have to talk? What was the protocol? Did anything change?_

_ "Hey," he broke her out of her thoughts. "It doesn't make any difference to Alexis. And if you want me to wake you tomorrow, I will. But this was your morning off and I wanted you to sleep in."_

_ "Thanks," she murmured. She was making mountains out of molehills, again. She needed to get a handle on that. "And what makes you think I'll be here tomorrow morning?" she added._

_ "You won't be?" he asked, sounding completely innocent, even as his other hand snuck beneath her and pressed against her stomach, pulling her into his body—his naked, warm body._

_ "Is this you persuading me?"_

_ "Is this you saying you'll move in?" he asked as she rolled over and stared up at him. _

_ She couldn't get a read on whether he was joking or not. He was smiling, his hand now cradling the side of her face, his thumb rubbing circles against her skin. His eyes were light and playful, but there was something serious behind them, and she wasn't sure of her own answer. She simply looked at him, admiring his handsome face because she could. _

_ "I'd have expected a more elaborate proposal," she replied after a moment._

_ His smile widened. "That can be arranged."_

_She answered his smile with one of her own, because she couldn't stop it. But this could end up spiraling out, and she still needed to set them straight. There was no denying that it was inevitable. If the previous night had proved anything, it was that she didn't want to do this with any other man, ever. And yeah, he was _that_ talented, but it was the connection she'd felt—the connection that she'd never, ever had before. "Give it a few months, okay?" she asked quietly._

_ He nodded thoughtfully. "For which proposal?" She whapped him with his pillow and he collapsed down on top of her, laughing. "But really," he whispered against her ear before kissing it._

_ "For both, but one has to come long after the other," she let her mouth reply. Her mind was a bit distracted by his lips as they kissed and sucked and licked their way across her neck and jaw and up to her mouth, morning breath and all—though he tasted like mint. "And let me brush my teeth," she added when he pulled away to look down at her. "We're at an unfair balance here."_

_ "Don't care," he replied, but refrained from kissing her again, content instead to stare at her. It was endearing and mildly irritating all at once. "And, just so we're clear, both are going to happen."_

_ God, what was the point of being careful and going slow if he was going to keep saying stuff like that? "Noted," she replied slowly._

_ He grinned. "Okay. Morning's aren't the best for pre-commitment commitments. Got it. So, breakfast? Or do you need some help washing your back?"_

_ She shook her head and met his eyes, trying to tell him the words she couldn't quite say—words like 'yes,' and 'I kind of want both now,' and 'you're wonderful,' and 'I love you.' But she was overwhelmed by it all and found that the words simply stuck in her throat. So she leaned up and captured his mouth with hers, pushing him up so that they were both sitting, her hands framing his face. _

_ "Come on, Writer Man," she whispered, giving him one last kiss before getting out of bed and tugging gently on his hands. He stood and they looked at each other in the light pouring through his window._

_ "Gorgeous," he said as he looked her over. _

_ She smiled. This, she could handle. And the two proposals that _were_ going to happen—she could deal with those later. "Come on, Richard," she drew his name out, taking great pleasure in how quickly his eyes darkened. "Help me find a loofah."_

"Soon is a relative term," she replied guardedly. Martha raised a sculpted eyebrow and Kate sighed. "Martha, we're not even in the papers yet, and won't be until after the holidays."

"Paula has a plan?"

"Paula has a plan," Kate confirmed. "But it's more than I can really handle this morning, if that's okay? Ask me tonight?"

Martha smiled and reached out for her, pulling Kate into an unexpected hug. She smiled and wrapped her arms around the older woman, clad in a delightfully garish dressing gown—red with fluffy white trim. But her arms were warm and she had that maternal way of hugging, and Kate couldn't help but love her for it.

"You make my son a very happy man, Katherine Beckett," she murmured. "And my granddaughter. And I'm rather fond of you myself."

Kate pulled back and smiled at Martha. "Thank you, Martha. I'm rather fond of you as well."

Martha chuckled. "Alright. Enough maudlin behavior before the sun rises. Have a good day and hurry home, dear."

Kate nodded and they stepped back. Martha held the door for her and Kate left the loft, closing her coat more firmly over her body as she heard the lock click shut. It wasn't _home_, not yet, not for a while. But it would be. And that reality was becoming easier to swallow every day. She stepped out of the elevator and made her way to the street, smiling up at the snow swirling down through the air. Then she stepped off the curb and her foot sank into six inches of slush.

"Merry Christmas," she sighed, glancing over her shoulder at Rick's building as she crossed the street, limping slightly from the cold seeping into her shoe.

(…)

Twelve hours had never seemed so long. They'd had three homicides, and Kate and Esposito had spent the entire day tracking down family members and filling out forms, all while making trips down to lockup to help keep the influx of vagrants, villains, criminals and vandals in check. She'd stepped in another puddle on the way back to the Precinct after a pick up, and then she'd spilled coffee all over her shirt when a suspect had tried to make a break for it straight into her.

It didn't feel much like Christmas as she made her way back to the loft, wearing her spare change of clothes, and she was vaguely considering ducking out, because she didn't want to ruin it for the rest of them. It didn't help that a high, knife-wielding teenager had managed to snap her necklace near the end of the day. She patted the zipper pocket of her jacket to ensure that the ring and ruined chain were still there and then got into the elevator, taking a deep breath. She _wanted_ to be here. She just had to convince her body and bad mood to get in the spirit.

She could hear the quiet sounds of laughter as she approached 504 and slipped her key into the lock. She opened the door and felt a bit of her bad mood slip away as Alexis ran past, wearing overalls and a bandanna, singing 'Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer,' at the top of her lungs.

"Merry Christmas," she called out as she shut the door and dropped her keys into the bowl on the hall bureau. She hung up her jacket and slipped off her shoes just as Rick appeared in the foyer.

"Merry Christmas," he grinned, opening his arms for her.

She walked into them and wrapped her own around his neck, pressing her face into his shoulder, seeking his warmth and comfort to wash away an abysmal Christmas Day day.

"Hard day?" he murmured, running a hand over her hair.

She nodded. "Nothing makes you lose more faith in humanity than stabbings at Christmas," she mumbled into his neck.

"It would, however, make a good title for a book," he replied.

And just like he planned it, she laughed and pulled back to smile at him. "You're horrible."

"Yet you love me. Says more about you than me, I think," he grinned.

Kate opened her mouth to say…something back, but Jim popped around the wall and whatever she would have figured out went unsaid as she was swept up in three more hugs and the chatter of an extremely eager, hyper and good-doing Alexis.

"I wish you could have come to the soup kitchen with us!" she told Kate as they sat down on the couch together while Jim and Martha bustled around the kitchen. They'd decided to make dinner for their children this time, leaving Kate and Rick to lounge in the living room with Alexis. "We made lots of people smile. There were so many people."

"It sounds like you did a great things today," Kate told her, smiling as she climbed, monkey-like, to settle into her lap. She was eternally grateful that Alexis hadn't grown out of her cuddle phase.

"I didn't know that so many people didn't have homes," Alexis continued. "Can't people help them more?"

"People try, Sweetie, but there's a lot that's wrong with the economy, and sometimes there's just not enough money to go around," Rick replied from his position beside Kate, his arm wrapped around her shoulders.

"But we have money," she said quietly, her raucous excitement now gone in the face of a hard life truth.

"And your Daddy donates a lot of it," Kate replied, smiling as Rick kissed her forehead.

"And it's still not enough?" Alexis asked, looking up at them.

"It helps," Rick said slowly. "But no, it's not enough."

Alexis went quite for a minute, mulling it over, and Kate was reminded that she was surrounded by very good people. She never lost sight of that fact, but here Alexis was, sitting on her lap, staring out at a sea of presents, and her biggest concern was the homelessness problem.

"And people kill each other," Alexis said very quietly, "on Christmas."

It wasn't a question. Kate sucked in a breath and felt Rick exhale one against her skin. She pressed her head into his cheek and gave Alexis a squeeze. "Sometimes they do," she offered honestly.

"I don't know if I like people much," Alexis replied. "Not if they do stuff like that to each other. They shouldn't. And everyone should have a home and a big meal to eat on Christmas."

"We agree, Pumpkin," Rick said as he wrapped his free arm around both of them.

Alexis sighed and relaxed back into Kate. She felt her heart break a little bit, knowing that this amazing, innocent, sweet little girl was not so innocent, and was starting to realize that the world wasn't fair. It wasn't that Alexis hadn't suffered her own hardships; her neglectful mother was proof of that. But Alexis was starting to notice the inequalities between her life and the lives of others. It was a hard lesson to learn, and Kate remembered feeling much like Alexis now did when she'd started volunteering with her mother around Alexis' age.

"I know it's hard to understand, Alexis," Kate began, choosing her words carefully as they flooded back to her, memories of a similar speech heard through a younger pair of ears flowing through her mind. "But you can help by doing just what you did today. You made a difference today and helped make those less fortunate feel the holiday spirit. And you can keep doing that if you want. I'll take you on Tuesdays if it's something you want to do."

"And I'll take you on weekends, if you want," Rick added, his hand rubbing patterns on Kate's shoulder.

"And there are other ways to help too," Kate continued, meeting Alexis' gaze as she looked up at her, her head tilted back to meet her eyes. "You can volunteer at the local hospitals when you're older, or you can become a buddy for kids in orphanages. There are lots of ways to help."

Alexis nodded slowly. "Okay."

"And it's okay to feel sad about it, Sweetie," Kate said with a small smile.

"Do you feel sad when you go to work?"

Kate nodded and leaned down to kiss her forehead, letting her lips sooth the little wrinkle on the girl's brow. "Sometimes I feel very sad."

"Like today?"

Kate nodded. "Like today. But, I get to come back to you and your Dad, your Gram and my Father. So I'm lucky." Rick leaned his head against hers again and she smiled. "And we're always here for you too, Alexis," she told the little girl.

"Thanks, Kate," Alexis said. "Love you."

"I love you too, Munchkin," Kate replied. The knot that had formed in her chest throughout the day, saddened and hurt and lost, eased as they sat there. She was glad to be able to give Alexis half the comfort the girl gave back, merely by sitting on her lap and existing.

They sat quietly for a while, listening to the carols that wafted around the room from Rick's large speakers in the corner. Sometimes he sang along, his voice warm and low against her ear while Alexis sat silently, leaning back against Kate's chest. She thought of her mother, and how they'd sat like this when she was young, curled up in Johanna's lap while Jim sang along. It both warmed and saddened Kate to realize that while she'd never have that again with her own mother, she was living it again with…with her new family.

"Alexis," Martha called, startling all of them.

"Yes Gram?" Alexis called back.

"Did you want to set the table?" Alexis smiled and hopped out of Kate's lap, scurrying around the couch and out of sight.

"She likes to put out the fancy holiday ware on Christmas," Rick explained quietly, his lips still pressed to her ear.

"Was she like this earlier?" Kate asked, turning a bit to look at him. He met her gaze with a soft smile.

"She was quiet, but I think she was waiting to ask you about it, actually." Kate bobbed her head, unable to come up with a response. "You have the wisdom."

She laughed and then smiled as he leaned in to press his lips to hers. It wasn't a passionate kiss, like the ones they'd exchanged the night before, after all of the Christmas magic had been performed. This kiss was tender and full of something she'd have to say was love, because there was no other way to explain it. And it wasn't the 'best friend,' kind of love at all.

She pressed a hand over his heart as he ran his tongue along her bottom lip and she sighed. His heart beat beneath her hand and he pulled away after a moment and met her eyes, his forehead resting against hers. "Yeah?"

She smiled. "Yeah." Because sometimes it was that simple.

"Dinner," Jim called.

They both laughed softly. "We have impeccable timing," he whispered.

"Life would be boring otherwise," she whispered back, like they were swapping secrets.

He grinned and then stood up, offering her his hands. She took them and let him haul her to stand against her chest. "We're the lucky ones, you know," he said very quietly.

Kate smiled and then stepped back, taking his hand and leading him into the dining room, her fingers thoroughly twined with his. Their parents eyed them suspiciously as they sat down, but neither Kate nor Rick was willing to give them any satisfaction. Martha had already gotten enough out of Kate that morning.

"So, Katie, how was work?" Jim asked as they passed food around. Martha and Jim had outdone themselves. There were mashed potatoes,garlic string beans, an enormous turkey, homemade rolls, and cranberry sauce laid out over the table. Kate was rather impressed, seeing as her father was no culinary and Rick's stories about Martha's cooking were actually pretty gory.

"It was tiring, but alright," Kate replied. "I'm happy to be here."

"And we're happy to have you," Martha smiled. "I understand that the two of you haven't really been celebrating the holiday?"

Kate glanced at her father, who looked more at ease than she'd seen him in a long time, especially on a holiday. "Martha and I were speaking of the past," he offered. He gave her a small nod, as if to say 'I'm okay, Katie,' and she smiled.

"We haven't, no," Kate replied. "But this is wonderful."

"And we'll do presents after dinner too," Alexis piped up as she took a bite of mashed potatoes.

"Have you really not opened _any_?" Kate asked, looking at the little girl. She was enormously mature for her age, but she was still eight years old.

"Gram and Grandpa Jim made me open theirs," Alexis replied. "But we were waiting for you to do the rest."

Kate watched her father smile at the moniker and she in turn gave a smile to Alexis. "Did you get anything good?" The turkey was delicious. Maybe Martha and Jim should always cook.

"Grandpa Jim got me a lab coat," she replied with a grin. "And Gram got me season passes to the Children's Museum and Science Center."

"That's awesome, Alexis. Great presents, you guys," she added, looking at the two older adults.

"We thought it seemed appropriate," Martha replied.

"You do realize that this means more science experiments," Rick added.

Kate rolled her eyes. "As I recall it, _you_ were the one who wanted to see how hot homemade silly putty could get before exploding. Don't blame Alexis for your new microwave."

"Richard," Martha reprimanded.

"It was cool," Alexis said happily. "But yeah, it wouldn't work after that."

"But, see, now Alexis knows not to put silly putty in the microwave," Rick defended.

"Yes, because I'm sure it was on her to-do list, right Alexis?" Kate said with a shake of her head. "You're lucky neither of you was hurt."

"Oh, live a little, Katie," Jim chuckled. "I remember doing a number of explosive experiments with you, and we never got hurt."

Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "I remember a trip to the emergency room for burns, actually."

His eyes widened and then he glanced at Alexis and Rick. "Yes. Well, do not, under any circumstance, ever put a volcano into the microwave," he said as he took another bite of turkey.

Her mother had been so furious. Kate remembered that it was one of the very few times her father had actually slept on the couch. Rick laughed and Martha simply shook her head while Alexis looked among them, laughing along even though she was a bit lost.

"It seems it's a male trait, dear," Martha said sagely. "Just make sure you're here to supervise."

Kate met Martha's gaze and saw the challenge and approval there. "Well played," she said, raising her glass in a mock toast. Very subtle, Martha.

Martha simply smiled. "Alexis was telling us all about her visit to the soup kitchen earlier."

"She told me," Kate replied, shooting Alexis a smile that was returned in full.

"Can you come next year, Kate?" Alexis asked.

Kate nodded and reached for a roll, tearing it in half and handing the bottom to Rick, who passed her the butter. She looked up and found both her father and Martha staring at her. "Yes?"

"Nothing," they said together, before they locked gazes and had some sort of non-verbal parental conversation.

"And yet we keep inviting them back," Rick said as he eyed their parents.

"Did I say something?" Kate asked, looking between Alexis and Rick.

Rick shrugged and Alexis simply smiled. "You said you'd come next year."

"And?" Kate replied, miffed. "I'll have Christmas off next year, since I didn't have it off this year."

"But you'll be here next year," Alexis continued, smiling with rather unnerving wisdom.

Rick slowly grinned and then met Kate's eyes. "What?" she asked. She felt clueless and it was irritating.

"Well, you'll be _here_ next year."

Oh. _Oh_. Well, if that wasn't committing, she didn't know what was. But it wasn't like it was new information. For once, it felt like they were all making a bigger deal out of something than she was. And so she took opportunity as it was presented. "And?"

Rick's grin grew wider and he laughed. "And nothing. Pass the potatoes?"

They made idle chatter and continued swapping stories of childhood experiments and exploits gone wrong, until everyone was stuffed to the gills. But there wasn't quite time to rest, because Alexis had finally recovered her age and was pulling them all into the living room with excitement, giggling and squealing as she walked among the almost obscene amount of boxes.

They decided, as a team, that Alexis should open most of hers first. The little girl was only too happy to oblige, and Rick set her up with a large pile on the floor, while the four of them seated themselves around her, Martha and Jim in the arm chairs, and Rick and Kate sitting on the floor against the back of the couch. Rick wrapped an arm around her and they watched as Alexis ripped open her presents from Santa—a set of Polly Pockets that she'd been coveting, the newest Harry Potter video game, five new novels and the newest NYSNC album. Alexis squealed over each one and Kate was happy to see that she still believed in Santa Claus.

Martha and Jim went next, opening their presents from the other three. Martha instantly slipped on the homemade necklace from Alexis and set the two autographed plays Kate and Rick had gotten for her on the coffee table, thanking all three of them with suspiciously moist eyes. Jim, for his part, looked close to tears himself, as he sat looking at the photo album they'd put together. Bound in thick, brown leather, the album was made up of pictures of the four of them, and then of Kate, Rick and Alexis, along with some of Kate and her parents.

She watched anxiously as Jim paged through the book, Alexis seated on his lap, whispering to him as they passed pictures, or listening as Jim explained others to her. He was quiet, but then he looked up and locked eyes with Kate while Alexis giggled. Happiness looked back at her and she smiled, squeezing Rick's hand.

"Thank you," Jim said quietly, looking around at all of them. "For this, and for including me in this world of yours."

"We want you here, Dad," Kate replied while Alexis nodded and wrapped Jim in a hug.

He simply nodded and looked back down at the album. Rick leaned down and kissed her temple. "I told you."

"Told me what?" she whispered, her eyes glued to her father, Alexis and Martha, who had gone to join them and look through the pictures.

"That all he needed was family."

Kate nodded wordlessly, because she couldn't remember having seen her father so relaxed or full of emotion since before her mother had died. Rick pulled her closer and they sat and watched the three of them look through every picture. But Alexis could really only take so much, and eventually, she broke free to scurry over to the small pile of presents still under the tree. She carried two small packages over to them and gently handed them each one, moving back to plop down in front of them, her little green dress fanning out around her.

Kate looked down at the small, square package in her lap and then glanced at Rick, who was doing the same. "Same time?" she asked Alexis, who nodded.

They each gingerly unwrapped the presents and stared as they lifted up two identical colored cubes. They were about the size of Kate's palm and made of glass that was semi-translucent, with different colors shining through each face.

"They're gorgeous, Alexis," Kate said softly.

"They are," Rick agreed. "But, what are they, exactly?"

Martha walked by and handed them a flashlight. "Shine it through yours, Daddy," Alexis instructed.

Rick shrugged and did as he was told. An image of Alexis playing the violin fell onto the wall across from them and both Kate and Rick gasped in surprise. "This is…" he turned the cube and another picture fell across the wall, this time of Kate and Rick sitting together on the beach, Kate reading a book and Rick scribbling in a notebook. "This is incredible, Alexis."

"They're the same," she replied, gesturing between them. "But I wanted to get you guys something special, and Gram helped. They work with sunlight too, but you have to make it direct, so you don't always see the picture. Do you like them?"

Rick turned the cube again and the picture that stared back was one of the three of them lying on the living room rug. It was taken from the back and Alexis was lying between them, and Rick and Kate had each thrown an arm over her, so that she was squashed between their bodies. They were laughing and Kate and Rick were watching each other. The picture stole Kate's breath away and she merely nodded at Alexis.

"They're wonderful," Rick told her. "Thank you, honey."

Alexis smiled and Kate beckoned her forward for a hug, laughing slightly when Rick enveloped both of them, blowing a raspberry on Alexis' cheek.

"Merry Christmas," she said.

"Merry Christmas," they replied, to more laughter as they tried to 'jinx' each other.

After a moment, Rick stood and Alexis climbed into Kate's lap while he rummaged around under the tree. Kate looked over at Martha and Jim, who were both watching them with soft smiles on their faces. She managed to hold her father's gaze for, perhaps, ten seconds, before focusing on the top of Alexis' head. It wasn't embarrassing, per say, but…no, it was embarrassing. It was lovely, but it was…no one liked to watch her parent and pseudo-parent smile adoringly at the family she was forming. It was just awkward.

Rick returned and handed a present each to Kate and Alexis, before placing one next to himself, which Kate recognized as hers.

"Go on," he laughed as Alexis began ripping into her present. Kate set her own down and watched as Alexis pulled out the locket she and Rick had gotten her.

Kate had insisted that Rick buy Alexis something on his own, but the man was amazingly persuasive. He'd argued that he wanted to get Alexis something that she could wear or take with her, that would help her understand their permanence. She hadn't indicated that she was worried, but the little girl had been quiet after her mother's eventual departure and had taken to sitting closer to Kate, or in her lap, over the last few weeks.

Finally, after one night when Alexis had cried as she'd left the loft to go home, Kate had relented and suggested they get her a locket. It wasn't, she'd explained, a gesture of their permanence as a _couple_, but of their individual permanence in Alexis' life. Because that was what she feared, or at least Kate hoped so.

She helped Alexis open the locket, when she looked up at her with wide, understanding blue eyes. Then she looked back down at the pictures of Kate and Rick on either side of the little golden heart. "We will never, ever, leave you," Kate told her quietly—so quietly that Martha and Jim leaned forward to hear. "And you can take this with you everywhere you go."

"Thank you," Alexis whispered, glancing over at her father. "Will you put it on?" she asked Kate.

Kate nodded and took the locket, clasping it around the Alexis' neck and brushing her hair out of the way. Alexis leaned back into her and fiddled with the locket, reaching out to squeeze her father's arm as she stared at the tree, oddly silent.

"You okay, Munchkin?" he asked, leaning down to her eye level.

She nodded. "Merry Christmas, Daddy."

He smiled and kissed her cheek. "Merry Christmas, Alexis."

"Open your present, Kate," Alexis said after a moment.

Kate nodded and picked up her gift, glancing over at their parents, who were both watching everything with wide eyes. She shook her head at them as both surreptitiously wiped at their eyes. This evening had been a roller coaster of emotion, and she still had to open Rick's gift.

She looked over at him. "Is this going to make me cry?"

Everyone laughed and he shook his head. "No. Laugh, maybe. But no tears."

"Good," Alexis said, sounding a bit more like herself. Rick grinned at Kate.

She sighed and gave him a smile before gently peeling back the paper of a large, rectangular package, laughing as Alexis helped, since she was still sitting in Kate's lap. The paper fell away and she was left staring at a Sac's designer gift box.

"Really?" she asked, excited. He laughed and nodded, watching as she happily tore the lid off the box and lifted the expensive, extremely stylish black and white checkered coat from the tissue.

They'd gone shopping a week earlier and Kate had stopped to stare at the coat while Alexis pranced ahead with Martha. Rick had turned and found her looking at it. She'd shaken her head and called it a silly fancy, took his hand, and followed after the grandmother and happily chatting daughter. It wasn't something she'd ever buy for herself, but damn if she hadn't coveted it for all she had.

And now, it was sitting in her lap—Alexis' lap, really—and she didn't quite know what to say. "You remembered," she said quietly.

He simply smiled. "You like it?"

"I love it," she said quickly. "Thank you."

She reached over and tugged him to her by the front of his shirt, kissing him soundly, even as Alexis giggled and their parents averted their eyes. "Merry Christmas," Rick chuckled as they pulled apart. "I'm glad you like it."

"I love it," she said again. "Really. Thank you."

He smiled and then reached behind himself for his own present, the last of the evening. She watched as he eagerly tore at the paper. She'd had trouble figuring out what to get him, since he'd given her a key to his apartment for her birthday. She had wanted to get him something of value, that would make him understand that he meant as much to her as she apparently meant to him.

And now, watching as he ran his hand over the key that lay on top of a leather-bound notebook, she wet her lips and then took a breath. "I noticed that you like to hand write at night, and your current one's almost full, so I thought that maybe you'd like another one…and the key…"

"You got me a car?" he asked, his eyes twinkling.

"Yes," she laughed. "That's exactly it."

"Wonderful. I'll have to take it for a drive some night soon," he replied easily. "Make sure the key turns the ignition, you know?"

"Adults and a child in the room," Martha interjected. "Honestly Richard."

Rick waved her off and leaned in to give Kate her own kiss, his lips warm over hers. When he broke away, he rested his forehead against hers for a moment and then pulled back, slipping the key into his pocket. She smiled and then looked down at Alexis, who was watching all of them with tired eyes.

"I'm sorry I made you wait all day, Munchkin," she told her as Alexis sagged back against her chest.

"S'okay. Merry Christmas, Kate," she sighed, turning her head and snuggling into her as she closed her eyes.

"Hey, hey," Rick chuckled. "No falling asleep on the girlfriend. That's what beds are for."

Alexis giggled and then extended her arms to Rick, who picked her up and stood, walking out of the room as the three remaining inhabitants chorused their 'good nights,' and 'Merry Christmases.'

Kate sat and stared ahead at the wall for a few moments as they listened to Rick making his way up the stairs. "Okay, go ahead," she said quietly, turning to face the proverbial music.

Martha and Jim exchanged looks. "Go ahead what?" Jim asked innocently.

Martha nodded. "You know, I think it's time we headed out. What do you say, Jim?"

"I say that's a fine idea, Martha," he grinned. "Leave these two kids to clean up the living room and do the dishes?"

"Of course."

Kate watched as they stood and gathered their gifts. "Really?" she asked before she could stop herself. They weren't going to call them on it?

Jim turned and looked at her. "Your mother would have been very proud, Katie. Merry Christmas."

Kate looked up at him and sucked in a breath. "Merry Christmas, Dad. And to you, Martha."

Martha simply smiled and nodded her head. They left the living room and Kate listened as they put on their shoes and coats and bid Rick farewell as he came back downstairs. She felt out of place, stuck somewhere between a child and a parent, because that was exactly what she had been tonight. Rick came back a few minutes later and plopped down next to her.

"Some Christmas, huh?" he asked.

"Some Christmas," she replied, leaning her head on his shoulder. "Did they call you out?"

"Mother said she was proud of me, and your father shook my hand. I'm sensing approval."

She laughed and he snuck his arm around her shoulders, pulling her further into him until she was settled across his lap, her legs over his. He was strong and warm around her and she let the tension flow out of her body, what was left of it, at any rate. "Alexis liked the locket," she whispered.

"Alexis loves you," he replied softly. "Of course she loved the locket. I just hope it helps."

"She'll get through it," Kate assured him, though it was as much for herself as for him. Watching that child be in any kind of pain was horrible, and this wasn't something they could just bandage up. It was a hurt that would need to heal. Meredith had taken a security from Alexis, and it would take much longer to get it back than she could ever imagine.

"Thank you for being here," he replied after a minute. "She's so much better with you around." Kate bent her head and turned her face into his neck, unsure of whether she was hiding out of insecurity or delight. "And that's gotta scare the shit out of you."

"Sometimes," she replied honestly, because it did. "But mostly, I'm just lucky."

"I told you already that we're the lucky ones," he chided. "Don't you listen?"

"Only as well as you do," she grumbled, smiling as he sighed into her hair. "But, come on, we need to clean up."

He grumbled but allowed her to tug him up. They went about straightening out the living room and putting all of Alexis' gifts into a neat pile for her to enjoy the next day. They left their cubes side by side on the coffee table and Kate could already imagine herself placing it on her desk at work. No one would know what it did, but she would, and she knew that it would help her in the grueling days to come, since after the holidays, there were only more homicides. It never ended.

They did the dishes side by side, simply soaking in the quiet of the loft and each other's steady presence. When they were done, Rick led her into his bedroom by the tips of her fingers. Then he turned and kissed her, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her as close as he could get her.

As they lay there afterward, her cuddled into his side as he lazily ran a hand through her hair, she allowed herself a pure moment of contentment. Yes, she was scared of just how seriously she fit into this new life they were building. And yes, she realized that she was slowly becoming a second mother to Alexis. And _yes_, that did scare the shit out of her.

"I love you," he said quietly.

Kate's eyes flew to meet his. "Yeah?" she replied after a moment, watching as he smiled.

"In the actual, real, I love you, kind of way." He chuckled. "Wow, that's dorky."

She giggled and then kissed his chest, sure of her next words. "Don't worry, Rick. I love-love you too."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I wish I had real thoughts for you on this chapter. I knew this was where I wanted to take it, but it just kind of came out on its own, and I'm personally a little surprised by what came out. Kate herself is a bit confused, but in a good way. BUT, I think it works, and it sets up what I needed it to. So I hope you like it. I'd be really interested to know what you thought. <strong>

**I'm coming back in to say that I haven't left out a plot element. I'm strategically timing it. But I realized that if I didn't give you some warning, I'll be inundated with confused reviews. Suffice it to say that a certain set of giftage will appear later. Worry not.  
><strong>

**I am an East Coaster, and though I know that this is nothing compared to what Florida or the West Coast frequently gets, Hurricane Irene is going to cause problems for me getting to school, and may cut me off from power. So if there's not another update for a few more days than normal, I apologize.**

**I hope everyone is staying safe and sound, and that those of you starting school this coming week get there safely and enjoy it. **

**Emma**

**PS. Over 2,150 reviews and nearly 900 alerts? You guys are amazing and I'm completely blown away. THANK YOU.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Yeah, Hurricane Irene isn't bothering the actual writers.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 22:<strong>

Kate crouched low to the ground and peered around the wall, listening as the key turned in the lock. It was quiet, almost eerily so, as she adjusted her hold on her gun, bracing her shoulder against the corner of the wall. The lock clicked and a sliver of light fell across the floor as she nodded to her partner, who was crawling against the far wall of the room.

The light flicked on and both became still. Kate looked over and gave a thumbs up as she spotted their target. With quick movements, they were both up and running, dashing around the wall and firing loudly.

Rick jumped, dropping the note pinned to a gift bag on the chair in the foyer. "What?" he exclaimed, laughing as Kate and Alexis circled him, their guns raised and vests flashing. "What is this?"

"Merry belated Christmas," Kate offered.

"Don your vest and we shall do battle," Alexis added.

"Rick, did you happen to pick up my…oh," Paula Haas came to a halt as she walked through the door. She stood in the doorway, her Gucci purse clutched under one arm as she stared at them. "I'm sorry. I forgot. You haven't actually grown up," she continued, watching as Rick quickly slipped into his vest, grinning broadly. "Kate."

"Paula," Kate replied, taking the folder Rick was trying to juggle and placing it on the chair. "Did your meeting go well? Straps the other way, smart guy," she added, smiling as Alexis giggled.

"It did, thank you," Paula sniffed. "I see you're having a fun day."

"This is Daddy's second Christmas present," Alexis interjected. "We wanted to wait to give it to him so we could play together."

"And Christmas was an unacceptable occasion because?" Paula asked, watching them all with some bemusement.

"Kate had to work," Rick replied as he shifted his vest around. "Hi, by the way," he added, leaning in to give Kate a quick kiss.

"Hi back," she smiled. He looked incredibly handsome, wearing a green button down and black slacks, his face covered with a light stubble that suited the 'devil-may-care' attitude Paula was so fond of.

"And to you too, Alexis. Thank you for my present."

"You're welcome, Daddy," Alexis grinned, ponytail bouncing as she hopped from foot to foot. "Can we play?"

"Should I send this to the Ledger?" Paula interrupted. "Rick Castle shares family fun with new girlfriend Kate Beckett, fighting for dominance of the second galaxy?"

"Voltar," Alexis supplied.

Kate ran a hand through her hair and then turned to Paula. "Did you need to talk to us?" she asked politely. They'd spoken on the phone once or twice and been civil, and now Kate saw her as a necessary evil in their lives. It didn't remove her lingering dislike from almost a year ago, but Kate could be an adult. She wasn't _that_ good at holding grudges.

"Well, the holidays are fast coming to a close, and that was your timeline, was it not?" she asked, pointedly staring Kate down. "You're willing to come out into the public now?"

Kate took a deep breath. Yes, she'd agreed to 'come out,' so to speak, after the holidays. "It was," she replied steadily. Rick met her eyes and gave her a slight nod. "And I'm willing to make appearances. But we don't want a huge campaign."

Paula whipped around and stared at Rick. "Excuse me?"

"Was she unclear?" he replied, his voice calm and easy. The meaning behind the words, however, was anything but gentle.

"You want to tell me that I should just stop promoting you? Rick, this isn't what we talked about two weeks ago. You and Gina have become media darlings. You're selling more books than ever, and now you want to _stop promoting_?"

"I don't want to stop promoting," he said, glancing at Alexis.

"Hey, Lex, why don't you go pick out a movie for us for later?" Kate suggested, realizing that Rick wasn't comfortable with Alexis standing there, listening to them discuss his media presence. Kate wasn't particularly comfortable with it either, but she couldn't just whisk Alexis away. She wished she could; it would get her out of the awkward conversation.

"Should I just go find something to do?" she asked, looking up at Kate. "Do you need to talk?"

Paula gaped at her while Kate smiled softly. "That would be great, Sweetie."

"I promise we'll do battle once we're done," Rick added.

Alexis nodded and then took off her gear, laying it on the chair. She tromped up the stairs, not the least bit disgruntled or rude. But Kate saw her shoulders slump as she hit the top step. Why was it that Paula couldn't do anything at the loft without hurting Alexis, inadvertently or not?

"Why don't we go back to the office?" Rick suggested, gesturing for Paula to precede them through the room.

She nodded stiffly and then clicked her way across the wooden floor, leaving Kate and Rick to follow her. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and leaned down to kiss her forehead. Kate sighed and leaned into him as they walked into the office.

Paula turned and stood against the edge of Rick's desk, watching as they stood opposite her. Rick didn't let Kate go, even though their laser tag gear was bumping together.

"Are we really having this conversation while you're dressed up like something out of Star Wars?" Paula asked. "Honestly Rick, is this what you do when you come home?"

"I have a daughter," he shrugged. "And don't pin the gear on me. I bought myself that storm trooper suit, but the laser tag is all Kate."

"Thanks, traitor," she grumbled. "It's a belated Christmas present, Paula. Alexis wanted to surprise him. You have a storm trooper suit?" she asked, that little detail catching up a second later. "Seriously?"

"I don't lie about my Star Wars memorabilia," he told her solemnly. "And who are you to judge? As I recall it, you were Princess Leia for a number of Halloweens."

"You need to stop talking to my father," she replied. Paula was staring at them. "But, you know, that's not what we're here to talk about. Paula?"

"No, no," she said, obviously a little overwhelmed. "Please, continue. Then I can tell the publicity department at Black Pawn to go for a 'nerdy family angle.' That's sure to sell millions of books."

Kate heard Rick give a small sigh and she felt herself getting irritated. She'd agreed to go out in public with Rick, more seriously than they'd done so far. She had not, however, signed on to be part of a campaign. "Why do we need an angle, exactly? I thought you were fine with a gentle leak," she asked. That's what Rick had told her, anyway.

Paula scoffed. "Rick Castle finds a nice girl and settles down to raise his daughter with her, living happily ever after? That does nothing for sales."

"It does quite a bit for reality," Kate fired back.

"Reality isn't my concern, or your publicity department's concern. Do you know how terrible it's going to look when you break up with Gina? She's your Publicist!"

"You suggested we go out together," Rick replied evenly. "And when I spoke to her, Gina thought that it could actually look pretty good. Everyone loves a good scandal. You were fine with that a few weeks ago."

"I've reconsidered," she replied. "And is Kate your rebound, in this scandal? Or your lover?"

"Kate is my girlfriend," Rick asserted. "You know that."

Paula threw her hands up. "That you've had on the side? Rick, honestly, what was your plan here? Because any way I've spun it, you're both going to come off looking bad at the moment."

Kate considered her. "Is that the issue? You can't make it look good, because any way we try to spin it, I'll come off looking like the other woman?" Maybe she might not have to hate this woman after all.

"Exactly," Paula replied, giving Kate an oddly cynical look. "And since you're not willing to even think about bad press concerning this relationship," she turned her gaze on Rick, "you're putting me in a bind."

"Wait," Kate held up a hand as Rick opened his mouth to reply. "You _want_ to vilify me?"

"It would be exceedingly good press," Paula shrugged. "But Richard here won't even hear of it."

Kate couldn't quite believe it. "You want to turn me into the other woman?"

Paula nodded and Kate felt Rick's hand digging into her back. "We talked about this, Paula. I can't believe you're even bringing it up," he hissed. "You know it's a bad idea."

"On the contrary. It's a brilliant idea," Paula replied. "They'd eat it up. And Gina's a decent actor."

"And, in a year, when we're still together, how will you spin that?" Kate asked, the words falling out suddenly and with a sting that rang of the last time they'd had a long conversation.

"If you last a year," Paula said quickly. "I can't manage a campaign on a whirlwind family romance."

Kate glanced up at Rick and found him red faced. "Paula," he growled.

Kate put a hand on the one that rested on her shoulder and he closed his mouth. They'd get nowhere if they blew up on the woman. In a sick and twisted way, Kate almost admired her for her tenacity. She wanted to do everything possible to further Rick's career. It was her lack of scruples and forethought that Kate took issue with.

"While I understand your desire for conflict," Kate began, squeezing Rick's hand as he made a small sound of disbelief, "I have to tell you that I think you're being ridiculous."

"Excuse me?" Paula replied, incredulous.

"Last April, you accused me of using Alexis to get into Rick's bed." Paula opened her mouth to defend herself, but Kate held up her hand. "We were all there." She closed her mouth and Kate took a breath, calming herself. "And now you want to use me as Rick's latest conquest and, I assume, drag Alexis into it?"

Paula's eyebrows shot up. "Of course not," she said quickly, glancing at Rick, who had gone stiff beside Kate. "I would never use Alexis. Rick has been very firm about that."

"Your morals should be firm about that," Kate replied, letting the comment tumble free despite the frosty reaction is received. "Regardless, you have to know that there's no way to shield her from it if you use me as the mistress or lover or whatever you were thinking. If you pull that, then what happens the first time I'm out with Alexis? Do you really want to have headlines about how I'm using her?"

"We won't," Rick interjected. "Because if I ever see something like that, and I can trace it back to you, you're done," he told Paula in a low voice.

"Fine." She turned to look at Kate and gave her a small shrug. "Wow me with your idea then."

"Don't publicize it, just like we discussed a few weeks ago. Rick breaks up with Gina, and then we let the Paparazzi do it themselves."

"You could end up with slander," Paula replied.

"At least then we can release a statement," Rick offered. "If _we_ slander ourselves, there's no coming back."

Paula stared at them for a moment and then gave a stiff nod. "Fine. When?"

"Gina thinks we should make it through New Years," Rick replied. "And then we'll have a fight in public and that'll be that."

"Like a bad high school play," Kate added. Rick snorted and Paula glared at her. But she was beyond caring, and really just wanted to sneak upstairs and cuddle in with Alexis. It would be much more fun, and far more comfortable than this awkward, hostile conversation.

"I agree. We'll do one last media run at the Mayor's ball on Thursday. Are you attending, Kate?"

She'd actually been asked to attend by Captain Montgomery, who was working with the Mayor to promote the NYPD. And as Montgomery was Captain of the 12th, he'd been asked to select a few Officers and Detectives to attend for press purposes. Rick had grinned when she'd told him, arguing that Montgomery had selected her because she was talented. Kate personally thought it was because she was a woman, and Montgomery knew she looked good in a dress. No one wanted to see pictures of fat, balding men in ill-fitting tuxes. The Fire Department's calendars were a testament to public desire in public service.

"I am," Kate replied evenly.

"And do you have a date?"

"I do not."

"Hmm," Paula returned, obviously withholding further comments. "Well, I should get going." She said as she gave them one last assessing look and then strode out of the room. They didn't turn to watch her go, and the only evidence of her exit was the click of the lock as the door closed on her way out.

"I don't like that woman," Kate said to the quiet room.

Rick chuckled. "She's good at what she does, and she does good work with Black Pawn's publicity department."

"I still don't have to like her," she replied, turning to stand in front of him.

"I like you," he said, leaning in to pull her into a startlingly deep kiss. She let her arms wind up around his neck as his circled her waist and pulled her close, his hands bunching up her vest to get to the small of her back.

When they broke apart a few minutes later, she smiled and kissed his jaw. "Missed you today," she said quietly.

"You have no idea," he replied. "God, it was endless. Did you guys have a good time?"

Kate nodded. She and Alexis had gone out for a big breakfast and then romped around in Central Park for a few hours, building snowmen and having snowball fights before the cold overtook them and they came back to the loft for a late lunch and a snuggle on the couch. They'd watched _The Little Mermaid_ and made pizza for dinner, before deciding that they wanted to play with Rick's present until he came home.

Alexis was a disarmingly good opponent, probably from years of hide-and-seek and her extensive knowledge of the apartment. Kate couldn't remember a day that had been quite so fun or carefree, and was extremely glad that she'd gotten to spend it with the little girl.

"We had a great time," she murmured, smiling as he kissed her nose. "And we should go get her so we can have one last round before she passes out. She's been itching to play with you since we got them."

"I love them, by the way," he said as he stepped back and took her hand, leading her out of the office. "Your idea?"

"Sort of," Kate replied. "Alexis mentioned that you liked shooting games, and I figured this was something you could share with her, since I doubt you want her playing Halo."

He turned around as they reached the top of the stairs and planted a kiss on her, nearly making her stumble and topple back down. "Thank you," he offered as he released her and steadied her with a hand around her waist.

"Thank me without potentially killing me next time," she laughed. "Now, come on. We're going to kick your butt."

(…)

Standing in the middle of room at the Mayor's New Year's Eve ball gave Kate a distinct feeling of déjà vu. She was surrounded by the city's elite, all dressed to the nines and hobnobbing with each other in fine form. Everywhere she looked, she spotted someone famous, or powerful, gorgeous, glamorous and proud. And despite having been the best friend and recent girlfriend of a small time celebrity, Kate felt no more prepared to interact with these people than she had last April. That time she'd at least had Rick to fall back on. But this evening, she was flying solo, even though he was just across the room.

He hadn't seen her yet, and for that she was slightly grateful. She felt pretty, and Madison had dubbed her 'stunning' when they'd gotten the dress. The grey-silver fabric fell to the floor and clung to her figure, shimmering softly in the light from the chandeliers. She'd piled her hair up in an elegant braided bun, leaving a few tendrils to fall around her face, and her make up was light, classy. She knew that Rick would appreciate it, her, everything, but she almost didn't want to watch him look at her.

Kate and Gina got along rather well, but that didn't mean that she enjoyed watching them together. Rick and Gina _were_ a good couple—a good couple of friends—and it was trying to watch, as the girlfriend of the man currently dancing with the gorgeous blonde.

Kate fiddled with the edge of her long sleeve and headed toward the bar, nodding to the Mayor, who passed by, twirling his wife around the dance floor. She recognized a few of the other Officers who had come from various precincts. Most of them looked about as out of place as she did, though they were eyeing the single women in the room with hunger. Kate shook her head and ordered a martini, settling against the counter to watch the couples on the dance floor.

Rick and Gina passed by, laughing with each other, Gina's blue gown billowing around them. Kate allowed herself a petty moment of quick jealousy before she swallowed it and took another sip of her drink.

"These parties can get pretty tired, huh?" a deep voice spoke from her left. She turned her head and found herself next to a tall, attractive gentleman in a tuxedo, white teeth shining in a dazzling smile as he looked her over. "I don't think we've met before. I'm Greg Horthson."

He extended a hand and Kate took it, unable to think of a reason to avoid it. He was very attractive, with great green eyes and a thick head of well-groomed blond hair. He wasn't Rick, but he would do for some polite cocktail conversation. "I'm Kate Beckett," she replied.

"What do you do, Kate?" he asked.

Oh, how sad. She'd have to scare him off. "I'm an Officer with the NYPD in Homicide," she replied, taking a sip of her drink.

Three. Two. One. Yep, there it was. She could almost watch the spark fall right out of his eyes. Men were pathetic sometimes. "Wow, that's…intense," he offered. "Do you…do you enjoy it?"

Kate would have laughed if it weren't so socially unacceptable. "I do. I enjoy helping others find justice."

The spark was back. Huh, maybe he wasn't so bad after all. "That's very noble of you. Do you solve murders?"

"I'm part of the process. I'm not a Detective quite yet," she replied. "But, gory tales of dumpster diving aren't really gala evening conversation. What do you do?"

"I'm an attorney," he replied with another smile. Most women did want to find a nice lawyer, didn't they? But she had a novelist. So much better.

"That's interesting," she replied. Why not? "Civil defense?"

"Divorce," he said, taking a sip of his own drink. "It's very lucrative and kind of entertaining." One of _those_ guys. Well, that told her enough to sneak off, but he didn't look like he was going to stop. At least she'd have something to do. "You don't look very much like a cop. Did you always plan on going into the force?"

Before Kate could come up with a reasonable excuse for leaving, or stifle the urge to roll her eyes, something collided with her midsection. She looked down, startled, while Greg spilled some of his drink in surprise, and found herself face to face with Alexis Castle.

"Alexis," she managed while the little girl grinned up at her. "What are you doing here?"

"Gram wanted to come, and I was with her tonight."

Kate glanced around and spotted Martha, who raised her own glass and then turned to speak with an older gentleman with graying hair. She looked back down at Alexis and couldn't help but smile. The girl was wearing one-inch white heels and a green dress that was beaded around the bodice and poofed out at the sleeves. She looked like a princess and her hair fell in gentle curls as she smiled up at Kate, still hugging her stomach.

"And you aren't the slightest bit tired?" Kate asked. It was nearing 11:30, but Alexis looked surprisingly awake.

"A little, but the party's really pretty."

"And, uh, who is this lovely young lady?" Greg asked, breaking Kate's focus on Alexis.

"This is Alexis," she replied while Alexis turned and leaned against her so she could wave shyly at Greg.

"Hi," the little girl offered.

"Hi, Alexis," he replied with a bemused smile. "Is she yours?" he asked.

Kate shook her head. "Kate's not my Mommy," Alexis replied. Kate noticed an edge to her voice as she said it, but the moment passed too quickly to decide what the edge was. "She's…" Alexis looked up at Kate, her lip between her teeth.

"I'm a friend of the family," Kate supplied. Alexis gave her a small frown but didn't offer any other comment. "Who thinks we should probably go get you some cake, huh, kiddo?"

Alexis nodded and then stepped away to take Kate's hand. "Nice to meet you," Kate told him as she let Alexis drag her away. The Castles just had a way of coming in at the right time.

She noticed as they moved around that there were a few other young children she hadn't seen when she'd come in. They all looked exhausted, and were either leaning against parents on the dance floor or were slumped in chairs, snoring. She let Alexis guide her over to the large buffet table, now filled with desserts, and helped the girl acquire a large slice of cake. She laughed while Alexis twirled around to the music, taking bites of cake as she wandered over to an empty table, laden with dishes and used linen napkins.

Alexis plopped down in one of the chairs and Kate settled into one next to her, looking out at the dance floor as she fiddled with the edge of the white tablecloth.

"Kate," Alexis prompted after a few minutes.

Kate turned to look at her, tearing her eyes away from Gina and Rick, who she couldn't help but watch in some sort of morbid fascination. She met the little girl's eyes and gave her a soft smile. She was going to crash pretty soon. "What's up, Pumpkin?"

"Why is Daddy still 'dating' Gina?" she asked, using air quotes. Rick had taught her those a few weeks ago, and she was as fond of using them as he was.

Kate sighed. After their meeting with Paula, they'd explained to Alexis that Rick would be attending the party with Gina, and that after that, she would stop seeing pictures of her father and another woman in the paper. But apparently, Alexis still wasn't fully convinced. "Because he needs the publicity to sell books," Kate explained slowly. The truth wouldn't hurt Alexis, and maybe it would make it less complicated.

"Why don't people want to see pictures of you? You're pretty," Alexis replied.

Kate smiled and reached out for her, helping her climb into her lap as they sat at the edge of the ballroom. Kate wrapped her arms around Alexis' stomach and leaned her head against the crown of the girl's head. "Thank you, Sweetie."

"I just want you and Daddy to be happy," she continued, her voice low under the vibrant twang of the swing band on the stage at the front of the room.

"We are happy," Kate assured her. "I've never been so happy," she added, squeezing the girl a bit.

"So why does he have to dance with Gina?"

"Adults can be silly," Kate replied. "And sometimes papers like fights and challenge better than pictures of happy families."

Alexis shifted a bit on her lap and her hands fell to cover Kate's on her stomach. "You're my family, right?"

Kate leaned down and kissed her cheek as they sat there. What had brought this on? Her mind immediately jumped to Meredith, who had called the day _after_ Christmas, babbling excitedly about a movie role she'd been offered the day before, on the best Christmas ever. Her gift had arrived a day later, and while Alexis loved the expensive Angelfish, in her lovely, colorful tank, Kate knew that the fish couldn't replace her mother.

"Of course I am," Kate told her softly. "You know that."

Alexis nodded. "And…" she paused and Kate just wanted to hug her until she stopped wondering and wishing and hurting. In that moment, Kate found herself as the lucky one. Yes, she'd lost her mother, but at least she'd had her before that. It often seemed that Alexis didn't have Meredith at all. "And even if you and Daddy…"

"Yes, munchkin?" Kate said gently, leaning her head down so that they were cheek to cheek.

"Even if you and Daddy break up," she whispered shakily. "You…will you still be my friend?"

It broke her heart. It simply broke her heart, and she felt her eyes moistening as she rocked them side-to-side. "Alexis," she whispered. "I will always, _always, _be here for you and I will always be your friend."

"Promise?" the little girl whispered back, turning her head to look at Kate.

"I promise," she replied, finding Alexis' pinky with hers. "Your Daddy said that pinky promises are the best kind," she added. "So I double pinky, triple swear that I will never, ever, leave you, okay? I love you, Alexis, no matter what happens with me and your Dad."

Alexis met her eyes and gave her a very small smile, before turning in her lap and wrapping her arms around her. "But you love Daddy too, right?" she asked.

Kate smiled and ran a hand through her long red hair as she found Rick on the dance floor, seemingly alone. "Yes, Alexis. I love your father very much."

"In the real way?" she added.

Kate smiled as Rick caught her eye. Yes, that little flutter in her chest was still there, even though it had been over a year since they'd met. "Yes, Sweetheart. In the very real way."

She watched as Rick's eyes widened, taking in her situation with Alexis. He gaped a bit, obviously completely unaware that his daughter and mother had crashed the Mayor's Ball. Kate should probably have been more shocked by it herself, but Martha was known for being crazy and surprising, so she hadn't really given it a second thought. Now, with Alexis wrapped in her arms and slowly falling asleep on her shoulder, Kate merely felt peaceful. She wanted to strangle Meredith with her bare hands, but she couldn't pretend that Alexis' insecurity didn't also warm her heart. The little girl must love her a lot to worry about losing her.

And so she'd make sure that she never did. Though, with the look Rick was giving her—a cross between confused and utterly besotted—she didn't think they'd have to worry about contingency plans. He began making his way across the crowded floor, his blue eyes trained only on her, but was intercepted by the Mayor himself. He gave Kate an apologetic look and she waved him off, settling further into the chair and adjusting Alexis, who had fallen asleep on her lap.

A moment later, she was confronted with the back of Paula Haas, who was suddenly standing directly in front of her.

"Paula?" Kate asked quietly, when the woman didn't move or turn around.

"If you're going to stay out of the papers, I suggest you don't cuddle with the kid at large publicity events," she replied, turning her head a few inches to speak with Kate. "Your dress is stunning, by the way."

Kate felt her mouth open and close a few times before she managed a reply. "Thank you. Yours is gorgeous as well," she told her. The simple black dress clung to the woman's curves and fell gently to the floor, giving Paula an air of extremely distinguished elegance and power. "And thank you for the cover," Kate added as she spotted the photographer Paula must have seen.

"I may be strategic, but I'm not heartless. It wouldn't do for pictures of Rick and Gina to appear side by side with ones of you and Alexis, cozy in the corner. And I'm not about to let that little girl show up in the papers."

Perhaps she and Paula could salvage their relationship after all. "Thank you," Kate repeated.

Paula gave the pap on the other side of the room a glare and he skittered away. She turned to look at Kate and for the first time in her memory, Paula's mouth softened and she smiled at the pair of them. "You're good with her. And you're good with him," she offered quietly. "Just try not to set yourself up for disaster, alright?"

With that, she walked away, just as Rick reached them. "Hey," he said, sitting down next to them. He just looked at them for a moment, trying to decide which question to ask first. "A number of things. One, was that Paula?"

Kate nodded, forcing herself to focus just on his face, and not the way the tuxedo hugged him in all the right ways, or the hand he subtly placed on her knee. "She wanted to make sure that I didn't end up in the papers as Alexis' nanny, or secret mother, or something like that."

"See, she's not evil," he chuckled as he glanced around, doing a spot check for cameras. They were safe, for the time being, since everyone was busy on the floor, waiting for the ball to drop. He turned back to her and let his eyes wander up and down her body. "Second, you're beautiful," he said softly.

Kate smiled and brought a hand down to lace her fingers through his. "Thank you. You don't look so bad yourself."

He grinned and flexed his muscles a bit, earning a laugh. "Thank you. Third, obviously, this is my daughter. How did she get here, exactly?"

Kate gave a laugh. "Your mother is roving around somewhere."

"She brought Alexis? God, my mother," he sighed. "Is she okay?" he asked, gesturing toward the child passed out on Kate's lap.

Kate nodded slowly. "Okay being a relative term, I think. But physically, she's just fine."

He met her eyes. "What's wrong?"

"We'll talk about it at home," Kate dismissed easily. "It's not really ballroom conversation."

He considered her for a long moment, fighting between a happy smile and a concerned frown. "Okay. You staying over tonight?"

"Unless those camera crews are waiting to follow you and Gina all the way back to the loft," she replied with a light shrug. They wouldn't. There was too much to cover for the press. And she desperately wanted to stay over. She hadn't so much as gotten to see him in the last day, and then she'd spent the entire evening watching him wrapped around another woman. "You're mine, tonight," she whispered.

His eyebrows shot up and she bit her lip, unaware that she'd said that out loud. "Oh really?" he asked huskily, leaving her hand to trail his fingers up and down her thigh. "Are you feeling possessive tonight, Miss Beckett?"

"Extremely," she replied honestly, grinning as his jaw fell. "But right now, you need to get out there and have your last hurrah with Gina. Let her know that I'm good for lunch later in the week, would you?"

He stared at her silently for a minute before he nodded and stood. He smoothed down his lapels and took a few steps away from them before spinning back around to face her. "You are extraordinary," he said softly, his voice barely carrying back to her over the band and excitement of the other guests. "And you are most definitely mine tonight."

She just laughed and shooed him away, shifting Alexis in her lap as she settled in to watch the ball drop on the large screen set up at the front of the room. It was bizarre to sit at the back of the Plaza's main ballroom, surrounded by all of New York's finest elite. She still felt out of place, but Alexis was warm and heavy in her lap, and it was easy to slip away into a smaller world, where it was just them, lounging in the loft, watching a movie.

"Ten, nine, eight…" the crowd began to count down and Kate gratefully accepted a champagne flute from a server who spotted her from the floor. She gave him a smile and waited as they reached "One!"

She took a sip and shook her head at the cheers even the most refined members of society emitted. Alexis stirred in her lap, woken by the noise. She pulled back and looked at Kate as she set down her glass. "S'it 2003?" she mumbled.

"It is," Kate smiled. "Happy New Year, Alexis."

"Happy New Year, Kate," she replied, burrowing her head back into Kate's shoulder. "Love you."

"Love you too, Munchkin. Go back to sleep."

Her, "Kay," was muffled and Kate laughed quietly, content to sit there and watch other people make fools of themselves with poppers and whistles. The kisses were harder to watch, since it had been a while since she'd actually kissed someone at midnight, and this year, her someone was kissing someone else.

Kate sighed and settled back in her chair. She liked Gina, honestly and truly liked her. And she knew that Gina would rather be with Ryan at his firm's party, but here they all were, playing their parts. Thankfully, she couldn't actually see Rick and Gina, which she was sure was his doing. Instead, she let her mind wander, imagining next year, when she could actually join Rick, as his date or guest at whatever big function he'd be at, if she wasn't working. She'd also make sure that Alexis made it to a kid's party, or a friend's house, so she wasn't stuck being dragged from party to party with Martha. What made Rick decide to foist her on his mother was lost to Kate. Martha was a party animal.

"I see someone held you captive," a voice interrupted Kate's thoughts. She turned her head and found Martha staring down at them. "I didn't really think this through. I'm sorry I interrupted your evening."

Kate shook her head. "Not at all. She saved me from an awkward come-on, actually."

Martha laughed and sat down beside her, fanning her teal dress out so that it wouldn't wrinkle. "Has my son seen you? And if he has, how is he not attached to your hip?"

Kate blushed. "We had a little chat, but he's off doing the press thing with Gina," she explained, proud that her voice was completely steady and not the least bit petulant.

"It's only for a few more days," Martha replied. Perhaps her voice hadn't been completely free of petulance, then. "But you got another Castle out of the deal."

Kate smiled. "That I did. Would you like me to take her back to the loft?"

Martha's eyes lit up but she pursed her lips, obviously weighing her desire to party against her instinct and duty to take care of her grand daughter. "You don't have to, dear."

"It's fine," Kate dismissed. She really had no reason to stay at the party, and sinking into Rick's couch sounded like bliss. She'd spent the day at the Precinct, running down leads for the team on a stalker-turned-murderer case, and then she'd come to this party. The comfort of the loft was all too enticing. "Just…" she bit her lip, now trying to figure out how to leave without ending up in the paper. "How do I get her there without drawing attention to us?"

Martha glanced around. "Well, you're close to the side exit. I'll call Ernie and have him meet you? Did you come with a jacket?"

Kate shook her head. She'd caught a cab from her building and straight to the doors of the Plaza. She had a clutch with her keys, phone and gun, but nothing else. And yes, she'd taken her gun to the Plaza. It was too bad Rick wasn't around to get that nugget of information. He'd die.

"Ridiculous girl," Martha muttered, giving Kate a disapproving look. "I'll go get Alexis' coat and call for the car. You just sit tight. And," she stood and then swiveled to look at her. "Don't let me catch you out without a jacket again."

She stalked off and Kate couldn't help but laugh. She'd just been _mothered_ by Martha Rodgers, at the Mayor's Ball, while Alexis Castle slept on her lap. What a night.

She pulled out her phone and sent a quick text to Rick, letting him know that she had his daughter and would meet him at the loft. Alexis snuffled in her sleep and one of her hands wrapped further into Kate's dress. She smiled and held her closer, all too aware that it would be a long walk to the car. Alexis was adorable, and small for her age, but she was still eight, and she still weighed a ton. Kate spent the few minutes of Martha's absence trying to figure out exactly how she was going to get the girl to the car.

Martha returned, brandishing Alexis' coat and accompanied by a tall, buff-looking coat check guy. He was olive skinned and had piercing dark eyes that gazed at her out of a Romanesque face. Had she not been holding a child and dating the love of her life, she would have invited this guy up for drinks in an instant. Martha grinned at her rather evilly and Kate rolled her eyes, taking the little red jacket and quickly getting it situated on the girl.

The coat-check guy bent down and scooped Alexis up. "I've got her," he told Kate in a low, rich Greek accent.

Kate stood and readjusted her dress as Martha smoothed a hand down her arm. "Enjoy the rest of your evening, dear," she offered.

"And you as well," Kate replied. "And I'll get you back for this."

"Promises, promises," Martha chuckled. "Now, follow Nicolai out and get that girl into bed."

"Happy New Year, Martha."

Martha smiled and then Kate turned and followed Nicolai out, weaving through the crowd. No one paid them any mind, and Kate would have to thank Martha for that. Having the 'help' escort her out made her look like any other parent with a tired kid. Though, Kate couldn't recall another occasion in her life in which someone would have been sent to help her carry anything, let alone a child.

She regretted not having a jacket when they hit the street and the winter wind whipped at her body. Ernie was waiting at the curb by the side entrance to the ballroom, and he took Alexis from Nicolai, disappearing inside the car to get her situated. Kate turned to her tall, dark and handsome helper and went to extend her thanks, but he was already striding back into the building. Perhaps persuading him for drinks, in her alternate life, wouldn't have been so easy after all. She could chalk him up to her sense of groundedness. It was always good to remember that not _every_ man was willing to fall to his knees for her.

Ernie gave her a smile as he stepped aside and ushered her into the car, closing the door against the cold. Kate sighed gratefully and sank back into the leather seat, drawing Alexis into her side as Ernie got in the driver seat and pulled off from the curb.

"Happy New Year, Ernie," she said after a minute, letting him navigate his way through the heavy traffic before she distracted him.

"And to you, Miss Beckett," he replied happily. "I see you acquired my charge this evening."

Kate laughed. "Yes. Martha seemed to think it was a grand plan to bring her, and she promptly fell asleep on me."

He chuckled. "She'll make it all the way to the ball next year, I think."

Kate smiled and ran a hand through the girl's hair. That was a pleasant yet oddly sad thought. "Yeah, I guess she will."

He glanced at her in the mirror. "I'm taking you to the loft, I assume?"

"Yes please," she replied.

"You're there quite a bit now," he added after a minute. Kate met his eyes in the mirror as they pulled up to a red light.

"What are you getting at, sir?" she asked, her voice alight with humor.

"Nothing," he replied, his blue eyes twinkling at her. "Nothing at all, Miss Beckett."

They were silent for the rest of the ride, and Kate allowed herself the contented smile. Yes, the loft was where she spent most of her time. And yes, at some point, probably within the next year, she'd move in. Rick had already said he wanted her there, and Alexis had managed to con her into staying over more times than was probably appropriate. But not yet. Not just yet.

When they arrived at the building, Eduardo met them at the car and took Alexis, hiking her up in his arms and running a hand over her head when she stirred and began waking up. Kate simply smiled and allowed him to usher them into the building, waving to Ernie as they went. All of Rick's employees liked her, and she liked them. It made the loft even more appealing, and she nearly sagged with relief as they stepped out of the elevator and walked to the door.

She unlocked it and then took Alexis from Eduardo, murmuring, "Happy New Year." He beamed and wished her one as well, before leaving them to head back down to the lobby.

Kate managed to close the door and lock it, before she toed out of her heels and staggered her way up the stairs and into Alexis' room. "God, kid. I can't do this for much longer," she muttered as she set Alexis down on her bed and then stood to crack her back. "You weigh more than I lift. And I lift a lot!"

"Sorry," the girl mumbled, making Kate laugh.

"I didn't know you were awake," she giggled. "Go back to sleep, Sweetie. You can have a bath in the morning."

"Will you be here?" Alexis asked as Kate pulled off her shoes and then tugged the blankets up and over her, dress and all. It would get dry-cleaned, and didn't look too uncomfortable.

"I will. I'll see you for breakfast and maybe some time out?" Kate suggested as she flicked off the lights.

"Kay. Love you," Alexis sighed, reaching out to pull Hamilton into her chest.

"Love you too, Sweetie. Happy New Year," Kate replied, leaning down to brush her lips over Alexis' forehead before standing and walking out of the room, closing the door softly behind her.

She made her way down stairs, poured herself a glass of water, and then walked to the couch and flopped down onto it, stretching with a happy groan. She loved her heels, but even she wasn't above admitting that they left her feet sore. She was tempted to get out of her gown, but then she wouldn't have the pleasure of having Rick get her out of her gown. And really, why rob him of that experience?

She simply lay there, letting the last year wash over her, as memories rushed through her head, from the good to the bad to the plain strange and amazing. She'd fallen in love with Richard Castle and his daughter. She'd gone to their Hamptons house. She'd reconnected with her father and watched him pull out of despair, twice. She'd grown as an Officer and started becoming instrumental to solving cases. And she'd found that she was _happy_—honest to God happy—for the first time in years.

A memory of her mother floated into her head and she allowed herself the brief moment of melancholy, remembering herself and her mother cuddled up in her parent's bed, watching the ball drop. She lay and thought of her mother, and what she would think of Kate's relationship with Rick, and with Alexis—the girl who'd stolen her heart. And as things with Rick heated up, Alexis became ever more important, and Kate was starting to feel more and more like a parent, and less like a 'girlfriend,' or 'family friend.' It scared her, but it also ignited something in her that she'd never known she was missing.

The door clicked open and Kate was taken from her thoughts as Rick trudged in, wiping snow out of his hair. It must have started just as she and Alexis had made it into the building. He tiredly shed his jacket and loosened his bowtie before kicking off his shoes. He wandered into the kitchen and then stopped as he spotted her on the couch. He abruptly changed direction and came over to kneel at her side, leaning his head down to bring his lips to hers.

The kiss was tender and passionate at once and Kate found herself wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him closer, until he was on top of her, their legs tangled together and one of his arms braced on the edge of the cushions to hold himself up.

"Happy New Year," he offered when they parted, breathing heavily as he stared down at her.

"Happy New Year," she replied, smiling as he bent his head to press a soft kiss to her neck. "Did you have fun at the end of the party?"

He gave a muffled sound of consent as he traced the line of her throat up to her ear, where he gently bit down on her earlobe. "Not as much fun as I would have had with you, and as I plan to. Care to ring in the New Year with me, Kate?"

"Please," she replied, running a hand up his chest to pull off his tie and work her fingers beneath his collar. "You look so handsome," she whispered as he rose over her again to meet her eyes.

"I could go on and on about how you look, Kate," he replied easily. "But why don't we take this somewhere with more room?"

"Trying to get me into bed, Mr. Castle?" she taunted as he stood and helped her off the couch. He scooped her up without warning and she squeaked, clinging to his neck. "Rick," she laughed as he started striding toward the office. "Put me down!"

"No way," he laughed, kicking his door open and shut before laying her down on his bed and crawling over her while she laughed. "You're mine," he growled, trapping her with his arms. "Not some coat boy's, or lawyer's. _Mine_."

"Saw them, did you?" she asked, running a hand over his cheek. God, why was it so hot that he was jealous? It shouldn't be. That was just so wrong.

"Kate, _every_ man in the room saw you. Do you have any idea how gorgeous and sexy you are?" he mumbled as he began trailing kisses down her neck again, his hot breath spreading over her skin and making her squirm. "But they can't have you, because you are mine."

Kate simply smiled and yanked him in for a hot, consuming kiss. "Yours. Mine," she said against his lips. "Now you know how it feels."

"Yes, but Gina's not trying to get me into bed. Those guys? Well, come on," he trailed his fingers up her side and then back down, spreading tingles all over her body. She moaned softly and met his eyes. "Who wouldn't want to see you like this?"

"Is that your resolution, Rick? Make sure everyone knows I'm yours?" she asked, before her brain could catch up with her teasing mouth.

His eyes widened and then he grinned down at her. "Is that an invitation?"

Reject him. Evade him. Lie. Run. Hide. Blush. She had many options, but the easiest, by far, was to reach up and crash him down onto her for another kiss, running her toes up the back of his calf, even as her dress strained against the movement.

"Papers first," she mumbled into his mouth. "Then…other stuff."

He broke away to press his lips to everything he could touch—her nose, her eyelids, her cheeks, her ear, her throat, her jaw, her clavicle. "Other stuff," he sighed against her skin.

"Not…not now," she managed. It wasn't time yet. He couldn't go there yet. She wasn't ready for _forever_, even though she knew this was it. She just wanted time to enjoy this, without allowing her mind to spiral out years ahead of them. Right now, she just wanted him. Everything else could wait.

"No," he agreed, sitting up and pulling her with him until they were standing. "Right now, I want to get you out of this amazing dress so I can ravish you. Sound good?"

She laughed and nodded as he wrapped himself around her, pulling the zipper slowly down the back of her dress, working his fingers beneath the fabric to splay out, hot against her skin.

(…)

Later, when they lay sated beneath his satin sheets, and she could feel every breath he took against her temple, she sighed and looked up at him. "Rick?"

"Hmm?" he replied, lazily, a large grin set across his rugged face.

She bit her lip. Was this really the time to bring up Alexis' admissions? She couldn't expect to get another opportunity. They still hadn't managed a first real date, and were waiting to make a production of it for the press, so their alone time was limited. "Alexis is worried about what happens if we split up."

His eyes opened and he shifted so that he could fully meet her gaze, one of his hands coming to rest against her cheek as they lay side by side. "She told you that?"

"Not in so many words, but yeah," she whispered. "She wanted a promise that I'd still love her, regardless."

"You would," he replied instantly.

His faith in her was possibly more endearing than anything else he'd shown that night. "I would," she agreed.

"Are you worried about it?"

His voice was soft and easy, but she could see that flicker of doubt, the same one she sometimes felt. Did he ever lie there and wonder if it was all a dream? If it was all a mistake, waiting to be ripped away from them? She reached out and placed her hand over his heart, smiling as his left her cheek to join hers on his chest. "I told you we'd get to 'other stuff,' did I not?"

He nodded, a soft smile falling over his features. "Then we just have to prove it to Alexis."

"And in between?" she asked, knowing that proving it would take longer than a week. It could take years before Alexis truly believed in promises of love and forever. Hell, it could take a lifetime. Kate still had trouble believing people she loved would make it to the restaurant, let alone stick around forever.

"In between, we love her, and you stay here forever," he replied.

She laughed and scooted closer to bury her face into his neck as he wrapped his arm around her. "Okay," she whispered.

"Someday, I'm not going to ask you to do that hypothetically, you know," he murmured some minutes later.

She let out a breath against his skin as her heart clenched in pleasure and distant excitement. "I know," she replied.

"Just, you know, be ready, in a while."

"Should that be my resolution?" she joked, feeling him pull her tighter into his chest.

"Yes," he replied seriously. "Because by this time next year, I fully intend to hear you say yes." They were quiet for a minute as she tried to slow down her heartbeat. It didn't matter how many times they 'sort-of committed' to each other. Each time, he made it more real, more serious, and more _forever_. "But I won't do it at New Years. I mean, come on. How clichéd," he expelled on a laugh.

Kate giggled. And he always found ways to make it less terrifying, like she was jumping into a bottomless pit, but she had a bungee cord or parachute strapped to her back. Maybe she _would_ make it her resolution to get rid of the safety gear, so when it was time, she'd be ready to plunge into the abyss, with nothing but reality to hold onto.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: Thank you to everyone who wished me well during the Hurricane. I hope everyone else is safe as well. I'll be able to leave for college tomorrow, and I'll even make it there in time to start classes on Wednesday, so Irene can't claim this one a victory.<strong>

**This chapter was difficult to write, in that little actually happens, though much is set up and well, I mean, Paula's kind of cool. I hope you liked it, regardless. I'm really excited for the next couple of chapters, and I look forward to sharing them with you. Kate's dress, by the way, is modeled after the long, grayish silver one Stana Katic wore…you know, that time…**

**A note on the last chapter. The cubes Alexis gave Kate and Rick were a bit of my own imagination, but I know that such things are possible. You can buy things that show pictures when you shine light through them. I don't know that they come in six-sided picture cubes; but it seemed like a good present.  
><strong>

**Have a great start to the school year, everyone! And if you don't go to school, I hope you have a great start to September!**

**Emma**


	23. Chapter 23

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Yeah, Hurricane Irene isn't bothering the actual writers.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 23:<strong>

Kevin Ryan was probably the meekest looking Cop Kate had ever seen. He was thin and wiry, and had the most innocent face, with big, blue eyes. His uniform fit well, and he carried himself with pride and confidence, but there was just something about him that made her soften. Instead of feeling comfortable, she found herself irritated. She didn't want someone around who made her weak. Esposito was a pain in the ass and a wise ass to boot, a distinction she hadn't known existed until she'd met him. Kevin Ryan was the opposite, and she found herself off kilter.

"I know I'm new, but really, guys, the staring is a little much," Ryan mumbled as the clock approached five on the third Wednesday of January.

Kate, Esposito and Karpowski all quickly turned back to their own desks. Ryan's had been set up across from Karpowski's, so they formed a small square of uniforms, and Kate realized with a small pang of embarrassment that they'd all been observing Ryan for the past hour.

She went back to filling out a backlog and Esposito's cell rang. "Esposito," he answered. He went silent for a minute and then scribbled down an address while the three of them began gathering their things.

"Okay, we've got a scene, gang. Let's move," he announced as he clicked off and stood up. "Beckett, you still with me?"

"You got it. Ryan, you ride with Karpowski," Kate said with an authority that she didn't truly feel. It was awkward to _actually_ lead this team. Karpowski and Esposito just knew what to do, and Kate rarely had to pull rank—having been with the Homicide division for longer than the other two. But Ryan was new, and she had to give him some direction.

"We'll beat them there," Karpowski replied, giving Ryan a small shove. "Come on, Irish."

Kate saw Ryan sigh, but his lips twisted into a small smile. Damn, but the man was endearing. "Address?" she asked as they all got into the elevator.

"I'm not driving?" Esposito asked, his face setting into a macho pout that reminded her of Rick when you stole the last handful of popcorn.

"Do I ever let you drive?" Kate asked, aware that Ryan was listening with interest.

"There's a first time for everything," he shrugged. "But I take it today is not that day. 295 West 35th street."

"Got it Karpowski?" Kate asked as they hit the garage and walked toward their cars.

"Got it. Get in the passenger, Irish. See you there," she replied, opening the door and hopping into her car while Ryan got in on the other side. Kate didn't envy Ryan the trip. Karpowski drove like a bat out of hell.

She and Esposito got into their own car and Kate pulled out of the garage, following Karpowski as they wound their way toward 35th in the rush hour traffic.

"And to think, we might have made it out early," Esposito grumbled. "What do you think of Irish?"

Kate shrugged. There was nothing wrong with him, and she had a feeling that he'd be good under pressure. He was gentle looking, and certainly gave off the impression of being a push over, but she wasn't so sure that his looks reflected who he was. "He's young," Kate replied after a moment of thought.

Esposito snorted. "We're all young."

Kate shook her head and focused on the road while he fiddled with the radio, a habit she hated almost as much as Karpowski's gum chewing.

"You think you're gonna move up?" he asked a few minutes later, when they were a few blocks away from 295.

"Don't know," Kate replied. She didn't, and it was annoying the hell out of her. But Ryan had only been with them a day, and Traikers wasn't leaving for another couple of months.

"You know you're slated for it. And if anyone's going to move up before 25, it'll be you."

"Don't assume Montgomery's going to break protocol for me," she said quickly. She had a feeling he probably would, but she put that feeling in a box in her mind, like she did with every other hope she'd ever had. It was a box she didn't like to open. Because hoping for things usually meant that they didn't happen.

Then again, she was starting to let a little bit of that hope out every time she went to the loft, or saw Alexis, or chatted with Rick. Slowly, they were breaking down her defenses. They reached 295 and parked behind Karpowski, who was already talking to their caller, Ryan right beside her. The woman they were speaking to was shaking, wringing her hands together while one of her legs jittered. They strode quickly to the street and joined them, flanking the other two uniforms.

"It's…" the woman stuttered her voice wavering slightly. "Follow me."

Kate went first and they followed the shaking blonde back down a small alley. It was dingy, blocked from light by the high buildings to either side, and the asphalt was dirty, covered in bird droppings and old trash. When they got about halfway down, Kate smelled it. She didn't know if it was from working Homicide for over a year, or if she'd always known it, but you could smell death in the alley with them. And it reeked.

The woman stepped aside as they came up on a large, stained green dumpster and Kate felt her breath catch in her throat. She swayed, looking down at the little mangled body in the dirty white dress, blank, wide blue eyes staring lifelessly ahead.

"Beckett?" Esposito asked as Kate staggered and hit the wall behind her.

The red hair. The little girl's red hair. And blue eyes. Pale cheeks and tiny hands, little pale legs sticking out from the crinoline. Kate sucked air into her lungs, willing down the overwhelming urge to vomit. She looked exactly like Alexis. But it wasn't Alexis. It wasn't. It wasn't. It _wasn't_.

"Shit." She vaguely heard Esposito giving Ryan and Karpowski orders before his hand was at her elbow, gently but firmly hauling her out of the alley.

They hit the street and he backed her up against the wall of the building, where she promptly bent over, gasping for air. It wasn't Alexis. It _wasn't_ Alexis. Oh, God. Was she shaking? Her pulse was racing and her stomach was churning violently as Esposito made a call back to the Precinct. She had to get a hold of herself. She had to do her job. She couldn't let this win. Because that little girl, that poor little girl in the white dress with the long, straight red hair and the blue eyes and the little hands…

She heaved suddenly and the world began to spin. There was nothing in her stomach to get rid of, but she kept gagging, even as she tried to block the images out. More cars were arriving now and Officers began filling the street, cordoning off the alley and backing spectators off the sidewalk.

She needed to get a hold of herself. She couldn't let them see her like this. It wasn't okay. She was stronger than this. She was. Oh, God, Alexis. But it wasn't Alexis. Why couldn't she make the panic stop? It wasn't her. It wasn't her little girl. No. It wasn't. It _wasn't_. _It wasn't. _

"Beckett." She blinked and looked up to find Ryan at her side. He tentatively reached out and laid a hand on her shoulder. "It's not her," he said softly. She simply stared at him as she sucked in more air. How did he know? "Esposito already called your guy, Castle? She's there with him."

Kate nodded. But the panic didn't stop completely. It simply ebbed, cordoning off in a knot in her stomach and a lump in her throat that made it hard to swallow. "How?" she croaked out, slowly straightening until she was leaning back against the grimy wall.

"That picture on your desk, of the little girl. It's not her. I promise."

"I…"

"This one time, I got called out on a drug smuggling stint in Vice," he began, leaning back with her. She watched the action going on around them, oddly aware that her team was covering for her. "We busted into this giant warehouse and they scattered, but there were a couple kids huddled in the back corner." His voice was low and steady, oddly soothing. "One of them looked just like my nephew."

"God," she whispered.

He nodded solemnly. "Collateral. Beaten and starving. I threw up for half an hour."

"I…"

"You're doing remarkably well," he added. "Espo says you're her step mom?"

Oh, if she weren't still blocking out images of Alexis lying bloody on the floor of the loft, or the street, or the steps to her school, she'd laugh and then sock Esposito. "Boyfriend's kid," she replied quietly.

He bobbed his head. "Same diff, right?"

She gave a small laugh, the sound feeling strange against the numbness of her tongue. "Thanks," she mumbled.

"No charge."

"Really?"

"Stop calling me Irish," he offered after a small pause.

She laughed more, and the tension broke, bringing her back. "You got it, Ryan."

He gave her a grin and then moved away to help with the barricades. Kate took another moment to breathe, aware that she hadn't escaped it; she'd be doing this all over again as soon as there was another spare moment. But she could do her job now.

(…)

Dry heaving into the sink in the Precinct bathroom was a horrible way to end the day. It was 9:30 and they'd just closed up interviews for the Frailson case for the night. Rebecca Frailson, the little girl with the straight red hair, big blue eyes, pale cheeks, little hands and…Kate heaved again and then turned on the sink and splashed her face with water and rinsed out her mouth. Rebecca had been molested and then strangled in the alley behind her house as she walked from the car to her door from carpool.

She had half a mind to personally escort Alexis _everywhere_ she ever went again. And she heaved. God damnit.

"Beckett," Traikers voice startled her. Kate looked up and swallowed hard.

"I…"

"Go home," she said softly.

"No, I'm fi…"

"Beckett," she held up a hand. "Go home. Please. See that kid. And call Esposito once you do, alright? He looks about as pale as you do."

"Detective," Kate replied plaintively. She didn't know what to think, or what to do. She'd muscled through the rest of the day on pure will and adrenaline, closing out everything, including half of her senses and most of the feeling in her left hand. It still tingled from the fist she'd held against her side, digging her nails into her palm to give herself an anchor.

"It happens to all of us, Beckett," Traikers continued. "And if you're going to replace me, I need to know that you know when to step down."

Kate felt her jaw drop open and quickly snapped it shut. "I…"

Traikers laughed. "Too much, I think. Go home, Kid."

She turned and left, leaving Kate hunched over the sink, reeling in too many ways to count. Step down. She needed to learn to step down. Wasn't that what she'd done when she'd gotten here—delved so deep into her mother's case file that she had to claw her way back out? Was she still learning? When did it stop? When would she be able to stand up straight and not fall down like this?

But this was different. No one was dead. Well, that was a lie. Rebecca Frailson was dead. But Alexis wasn't. God, Alexis. Kate turned and strode out of the room, her feet carrying her quickly to her desk, where she gathered her things, her head bent, trying to avoid the stares she knew were falling on her back.

"Beckett?" Esposito's voice was quiet. She glanced over at him and took stock of just how rattled he really was. "Hug her for me?"

Kate gave him a small smile. Esposito and Alexis had met only once, but it had made a lasting impression on both of them, and they'd been trying to get a repeat occasion together for a while. But everyone was busy and the winter was tough. "Saturday night," Kate replied. Rick was free. She'd be free. "You wanna babysit?"

His face lit up, and it was perhaps the least jaded and most genuine she'd ever seen him. "Little Castle and a night at the loft? You got it." She nodded. "Now get out of here."

Kate didn't need telling twice. Her feet ran her away again, and she barely registered getting into the cab, or the drive, or the way that snow was softly falling all over her as she got out of the car. She hurried inside, barely managing to acknowledge Eduardo as she passed. She just needed to see her. The urge was overwhelming. She couldn't remember the last time the ride up to the loft had seemed so slow, or any other moment when her fingers had shaken so badly sliding the key into the lock.

She pushed the door open and then turned and locked it, sliding the chain for good measure. She shucked off her jacket and stuffed her gun and badge, safety locked, into the drawer of the bureau. Then she sprinted up the stairs and burst into Alexis' room as quietly as was possible, hurriedly sinking to her knees beside the girl's bed.

There she was, sleeping peacefully. There was no blood. There was no dirt. Her neck was clean of large, purpling handprints, her eyes closed. One of her little hands was wound into the bedspread, and Kate saw a pale foot sticking out from beneath the blankets. But what was more—what made her let out a long, slow, relieved, exultant breath—was the steady rise and fall of her chest. Kate could hear the air swoop in and out of Alexis' lungs in the stillness of the room. The twinkle lights cast a warm glow over both of them, and Kate sat there, staring at the girl.

With stiff fingers, she worked her phone out of her pocket and texted a quick, _she's fine_, to Esposito, before shoving the device back into her pants and leaning her arms on the bed. She reached out and gently stroked the back of Alexis' hand, needing just the smallest contact. It wasn't Alexis. And it made her a horrible, terrible, God-awful person, but she was glad. She was joyous that it wasn't this little girl, _her_ little girl that was lying in one of Lanie's morgue drawers, eyes unseeing, chest unmoving, little hands cold and…

She took a shuddering breath and exhaled, squeezing her eyes shut against the onslaught of images that took this peaceful, beautiful child and changed her—mangled her into something else, something pale and twisted and _dead_.

"Kate?" Alexis mumbled. Kate's eyes shot open and she met Alexis' sleep-clouded ones. "Wha'reya doin'?"

"Just watching you," Kate replied softly, her voice rough from disuse and the lump that had reappeared in her throat. "Go back to sleep, Honey."

"Wha's wrong?" Alexis asked, obviously able to read the distress that must be all over Kate's face. She didn't have a poker face tonight. She couldn't.

"Nothing," she whispered. "Nothing's wrong at all. I love you, Sweetie."

Alexis blinked and then nodded against her pillow. "Love you too," she yawned. "M'okay."

"Sorry?" Kate replied, confused.

"Daddy hugged me really hard earlier. But I'm okay. Promise."

Oh, God. Oh, Alexis. "I know, Sweetie," Kate managed, even as she felt the tears she held in beginning to swim in her own eyes. "I know."

"Good," Alexis whispered, before her eyes finally slipped back shut, the hand that had wrapped around Kate's fingers going slack.

She lost the battle and tears began to spill down her cheeks as she sat there, still watching the rise and fall of Alexis' small chest. But it hadn't been her. And it wouldn't be her. And everything was fine. She startled when a hand settled on her back and it was with very restrained reflexes that she only whipped around, and didn't topple her boyfriend as he knelt down next to her.

"God, Rick," she gasped.

"Sorry," he whispered, leaning in to pull her into his arms. "She's okay. She's okay," he murmured into her ear as she felt the shakes return and buried her face into his shoulder.

"I…" she snuffled and then pulled back to cover her mouth, the sound seeming incredibly loud against the quiet of the room.

"Come on," he said gently, standing and helping her up. He wrapped his arm around her and they left the room, shutting the door behind them.

He led her down the stairs and then bypassed the living room entirely as he brought them into his bedroom. She didn't even seem in control of her own feet, and he easily guided her to sit on his bed. And then it was Rick who knelt on the floor, placing his hands on her arms, rubbing circles against her skin with his thumbs.

"Kate?" he asked quietly after a few minutes, in which she simply stared at him, tears trailing down her cheeks with abandon. She hardly cared.

"She…" she took a breath and dislodged one of his hands to swipe at her face, now that tears were running onto her lips. "There was a little girl—Rebecca. She looked…Oh, God, Rick. Just like Alexis. Just like her. And I thought…"

"Kate," he breathed, reaching up to cup her cheek.

"I couldn't…and I just heaved and heaved and everything spun and I was so worried and then it was _hours_…" she wasn't making sense, and she just couldn't stop crying or shaking, and she finally found his eyes with hers. "I can't make the pictures stop," she admitted, with the smallest voice she could remember using.

"Okay," he breathed, rising to slide onto the bed next to her. "Come here," he said gently, shifting back until he hit the headboard. He shifted her back against him so he could fold himself around her as she curled into a ball, her knees pulled up to her chest. He surrounded her, wrapping his arms around hers and hooking his legs around her ankles. He rested his chin on her shoulder and pressed a kiss into her neck. She drank in the scent of him, trying to focus on the way his hands ran over her arms and the way his breath washed over her skin.

"She's right upstairs, Kate," he whispered. "She's up there, breathing and beating and sleeping just like always."

"I know," she replied, but even she could hear the disbelief there. "I just can't make it stop. How do I make it stop?"

He was quiet for a minute while she squeezed her eyes shut. She could block out the pictures of her mother, gone and cold beneath the earth. She could force back the memories of their time together. She could forget the nights of pulling her father out of bars. But she couldn't for the life of her make the pictures of Alexis leave her. They swirled behind her eyelids and remained even when she opened her eyes.

"It…it does stop," he said softly. "But this, this is what being a parent is, Kate." She sucked in a breath. Now? "I haven't gone through this one. I haven't had to look at someone and convince myself that it wasn't my daughter. But Kate, I've done this. I've imagined her dead in an alley, lost in a mall, drowned in the swimming pool."

"Rick," she gasped as she let out that one breath.

He squeezed her arms and leaned his head against hers. "I know. I _know_, Kate."

"How…how long?" she whispered.

He sighed and she felt the whoosh of air against her cheek. "The panic stops, but the worry? I can't lie about that. It doesn't end."

"God," she replied, turning to press her face into his cheek. "Never?"

He turned and kissed her softly, his mouth gentle over hers. Her tears fell onto his chin and when they broke apart, he raised a hand and wiped them away, moving to wipe them from her face as well. "Never. But I'm here," he told her, looking into her eyes in a way that made the knot in her stomach ease. "I'm not going anywhere, and neither is she. We're going to stay with you."

"I…" She hadn't even realized it. She hadn't connected those dots. But now the line ran straight and large from her mother to her burgeoning family and she felt the knot reform, and the lump and the gasping panic that had consumed her returned. "You can't promise me that," she worked out. When had she become such a mess?

"No," he agreed. "I can't promise that I won't get hit by a taxi, or a freak accident won't rip Alexis away."

"Rick," she moaned, grief—a grief she thought she'd buried in therapy two years ago—coursing through her.

"But I can promise that I will do everything in my power to stop that from happening. We won't leave you. We won't just disappear."

"Please don't," she wept, because she needed to. Because she could. Because she was safe and warm and _loved_ in his arms. And that made it worse, because the greater the love, the harder the fall. And she had fallen before. She'd fallen many times, and each one left her deeper than the last.

But losing them? The hole she'd ripped her way out of would claim her if she lost them. She felt raw and needy and so many things she wasn't used to feeling. But his lips traveled over her skin and his hands gripped at her and he was there. He was. She could feel him. She could smell him. She could prove to herself that he was there. And Alexis was upstairs, asleep, alright, okay, alive.

"Please don't what?" he asked, quiet and steady as he kissed her ear.

"Please don't leave me." She'd never meant to say it. It was what women said in cheesy romance movies, and tear jerking romance novels. It wasn't what Katherine Beckett, Cop, almost-Detective, rebuilt woman, said.

"Katherine," his voice was strong against her ear and it washed across her skin, warm and fluid. "Within every power I possibly have, I will never leave you. I _love_ you."

"I love you too," she replied, turning to find his lips again, to find that anchor and the safety he provided. She could stand up on her own. But standing with him was easier, lighter, and God, she didn't want to do it alone anymore. "So much," she panted between kisses. "So much."

"More," he mumbled into her kiss. "I love you more."

"I do."

"No, I do."

"Me."

"Me."

And it degenerated into heated kisses and declarations, stronger and stronger as they passed, until she was pressed beneath him, his lips cascading over her face and neck and shoulders.

"More than life itself."

"More than the universe."

"More than…more than…" she tried, but her thoughts had finally stopped connecting and he pulled back, grinning down at her.

"More than you ever thought you would?" his voice belied his smile and she met his eyes, his deep, piercing eyes.

"Yes," she whispered.

He leaned down and captured her mouth in a kiss that led to nowhere, to nothing. But it finally broke through the panic and the tension and the worry, and she found herself relaxing into the mattress, curling her fingers into his neck, stroking his skin.

"Better?" he asked when they finally pulled apart.

She nodded. "I…how can I…"

He kissed her nose. "Do you have any idea what it means to me that you care this much?"

Kate met his eyes, surprised. "I…"

"Care enough to collapse with me? Care enough to cry and hurt? Care enough to be a parent to my kid?"

"I'm not…"

"Katherine," he whispered, pressing his forehead to hers. "You are."

She blinked and breathed with him. How had it? When had it? She couldn't deny it, not after this, not after today. But to hear him call her a _parent_, something she wasn't ever sure she would, should or could be…How did you respond? How could she possibly say what it meant? How much it scared her? How much it terrified her? How much it elated her? How much it was something she'd never known she wanted more than anything?

He didn't speak. He merely smiled at her and pressed butterfly kisses to her lips. Finally, she smiled, feeling that last bit of doubt breaking free, or hiding away—simply vanishing.

"And I didn't even realize?" she whispered back.

His face lit up and he collapsed down on top of her, rolling her as they laughed together, in relief, in happiness, in love. When they'd calmed down and settled back to exchanging deep kisses, in place of smacking ones, rolling and wrestling and playing in the bed like children, he lay on his side and ran his fingers over her cheek.

"Go out with me," he murmured. "On a date. A real date. Let's make that happen, finally," he continued when she arched an eyebrow.

She smiled. "Saturday."

"Why Saturday?"

"Esposito's babysitting," she replied easily.

Rick laughed, loudly, the sound ringing through the room. Every laugh, every touch, every kiss made the day fade away—helped her lose the terror that had consumed her every thought. "Really?"

"Really," she told him. "He needs his assurances too, you know?"

Rick kissed her cheek. "I'm so sorry."

"It's over," she replied. "It's over, and I'm here, and you're here, and she's here."

"And we're going out on a date."

"We are."

He kissed her languidly, sucking her bottom lip in between his teeth. "I love you," he whispered before repeating the gesture again.

She sighed and opened her mouth, inviting him to consume her. "I love you too."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: It's a 'short' chapter. I know. But, the next one will be longer, AND will include the much-anticipated date! You guys just might want it more than they do! I didn't want to merge the two together, because I think this chapter actually needs to stand alone. <strong>

**Thank you all for your immense support. Thank you for all the well wishes at college, and the 'stay safes' during the hurricane. I cherish every review, and I'm always staggered by how extraordinary you guys are. **

**Emma**


	24. Chapter 24

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Not a Castle writer. Just a college student up way too late for my own good.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 24:<strong>

Kate jerked awake, her chest heaving erratically as tears blurred her vision. Everything was hazy and haloed, the light above her head too bright. There was a persistent beeping pounding against the beat of her heart and the air smelled unfamiliar. She blinked and felt her body jerk, pain ripping across her shoulder. She hissed and sucked in a haggard breath, realizing then that the other sound, the sound of hushed voices she hadn't heard, had stopped.

"Kate?"

It sounded like Esposito. She blinked again and turned her head to look for him. Why was she crying? Why did she hurt? What the hell was going on?

"You're awake," he added. And then his face swam into her field of vision. "Good timing. Your boy's gonna be here any minute."

"Wha…happened?" she rasped, her eyes catching on the bloody stains on his uniform. "Blood," she pointed out.

He laughed. He Goddamned laughed! "Yeah, you got stabbed, Beckett."

"What?" she asked, more alert now, even as the words scratched against her throat. "Water."

He gently helped her sit up, moving slowly so that they didn't jostle the shoulder she realized was wrapped in gauze, her arm dangling limply into a sling. A nurse stood at the end of her bed, marking things on a chart. Esposito handed her a cup and, with her good hand, she slowly reached inside and popped one ice chip into her mouth. God, everything was heavy.

"How do you feel, Miss Beckett?" the nurse asked as soon as Kate had swallowed.

She stared at her. How did she feel? That wasn't the question Kate wanted answered. How had she been _stabbed_? How serious was it? Had she had surgery? Who was on their way? "I…" she took a breath, cautiously, happy to realize that breathing didn't hurt. "My arm?"

"You were rather severely cut, and lost a lot of blood," the nurse replied. "But we were able to stitch you back together, and within a few weeks, you should be good as new." She was young, maybe 20, and she gave Kate a small smile, her big green eyes full of compassion.

"I…Espo…what?" Kate stammered, so confused. She didn't remember it. She didn't remember any of it.

"We went to a scene, and there was someone hiding in the alley. You found him, told him to put his hands up, and he pulls out this knife." She watched as Esposito told her the story, his face caught somewhere between admiration and fury. "You didn't even blink, just told him to put it down, back away, hit the wall. Instead, he advanced. It was a narrow alley, and I got down there too late. He brandished the damn thing like it was a sword or something and you just cocked your gun. He raised the knife and you blocked him, but he bent his wrist, and God, Beckett, the scream…" he paused, one of his hands fisting against his leg. "But you just twisted him around, slammed him into the wall, pressed your gun into his back and read him his rights."

Kate listened, some warped memories drifting through her mind at his words. But everything was fuzzy, and she didn't even remember what the alley looked like.

"Once I had him, you sank to the ground. The knife stayed…stayed in," he continued. "EMTs came, and, uh," he swallowed hard. "Here we are."

"Do you remember anything, Miss Beckett?" the nurse prompted.

"Bits," Kate replied softly. "How…how bad?"

"Two weeks leave, and then a week of desk duty," Esposito replied before the nurse could even open her mouth. Kate would have thanked him—those were terms she could understand—if she weren't furious about the diagnosis.

"Two weeks?" she blanched. "I thought…but…"

"You'll still start training, and exam, and everything, Becks," he chuckled. "You just get to rest first."

"Don't call me Becks," she grumbled, sinking tiredly into the pillows as the last of her resolve faltered.

"I'll send the Doctor up to talk to you about treatment," her nameless nurse interjected. "Do you have somewhere to stay? You'll need to be monitored for a few days, and then having someone around will be helpful."

"I…" Kate stammered just as the door burst open and Rick catapulted into the room, eyes wide and frightened.

"Kate," he gasped, tripping over himself as he stumbled over to her beside. "God, Kate," he added, looking her over as he reached out a hand, before dropping it.

"I take it you can stay with him?" the nurse asked, her smile growing. "She's fine," she added as Rick continued to pant, just staring at her.

Kate nodded absently and looked up to meet his eyes. She was still confused about how she'd gotten here, but she knew she was fine. Rick, on the other hand, was pale and clammy looking, his hands twitching at his sides. He looked like he had seen a ghost.

"I'll go get the Doctor, and, Officer Esposito, was it? Why don't you come help me?" the nurse suggested.

Espo nodded and gave Kate a smile as he followed the young woman out, closing the door behind them. Kate met Rick's eyes again and gave him a slow nod, raising her heavy right hand toward him. He rushed forward and took her hand in his, lifting his other to run cautiously over her cheek. Kate forced herself to smile, if only to make him smile. He looked so serious and frightened. It hurt to look at him. She wanted him to laugh. She needed him to smile. He shouldn't look like that. She never wanted to see him look that scared again.

"Hey," she whispered as his thumb stroked cautiously over her skin. "I'm okay." His eyes flicked to her bandaged shoulder, and she watched him swallow heavily. "Really," she added, squeezing the hand he held. "Two weeks leave, one week desk duty, and then I'm back to kicking butt."

"Kate," he breathed, shifting closer so that he could lean down and press his lips against her temple, his breath shaky. "You're hurt," he mumbled, sounding almost lost. "You got stabbed?"

"Suspect take-down," she replied, stroking his forearm with her good hand when his fell away to brace himself as he leaned over her. "He got me as I was spinning him. I don't…I don't know all the details, but with that recoup schedule, it can't be too horrible."

"You got _stabbed_," he replied after a second. "Horrible doesn't even begin…" he tapered off and then leaned back to look at her again. "I thought…when Esposito called…and he said you were okay, but under, and I just…Kate," he finished, her name falling from his lips like some kind of plea. She just didn't know what to give him, other than the rising and falling of her chest and the touch of her hand on his arm.

"It's okay, Rick," she murmured. "I'm alive. No harm done. And in a few weeks, this will all be over." Her shoulder stung as she felt the remnants of the anesthesia wearing off, and she sucked in a breath.

"Kate?" he asked when she grit her teeth. His hand stilled on her cheek and she opened her eyes to meet his.

"Hurts," she replied quietly, squeezing his arm. "But I'm okay."

"The hell you are," he shot back, his voice hoarse. "You can't ever…I don't want…Do you…Kate," he stammered, and it nearly broke her heart. The way he said her name—how could she fix that? How could she fix the terror that was sitting behind his eyes?

The door opened again and Rick reluctantly released her, turning to meet the Doctor who now stood at the end of her bed. He gave them a gentle smile, his forehead crinkling as he looked them over.

"Well, Miss Beckett, I must say, you're awfully lucky," he began, thumbing through her chart. "Surgery was successful, and you're looking at a speedy recovery. The wound was deep, but missed anything vital. Just your run of the mill Police calamity, I'm afraid. But I suppose Mr. Castle could always write you a more exciting story," he chuckled.

Kate felt Rick tense under her hand. "Yes, because pretending that she was even more gruesomely hurt is really what I want to do right now," Rick replied evenly, though Kate could hear the unhindered malice behind the words.

The Doctor watched them for a second and then gave a nod. "My mistake. Anyway, Miss Beckett," he turned back to look at Kate. "You'll be ready to be released in about an hour, and then we'll want to see you at the end of the week for a check up. I've included care instructions in your discharge papers, and my number. I'm Doctor Fritz, by the way."

"Nice to meet you," Kate replied. "Did you do the surgery?"

He smiled. "I did. And I assure you, you'll be just fine. I might say that you shouldn't be firing a gun for a while after you go back, but we'll talk about that at your last check-up. Physical therapy might be a good idea."  
>Kate nodded and the Doctor gave them a smile. "I'll send a nurse in when we're ready to let you go."<p>

They watched him leave and Kate let out a breath, letting her head fall back against the pillows. Damn. Physical therapy, recovery, desk duty—this sucked. And the pain in her shoulder and upper arm was starting to grow by the minute, which was just lovely.

"They can't seriously consider sending you back without physical therapy, can they?" Rick wondered, turning to look down at her. "I mean…shouldn't you have, like, therapy and physical therapy and more leave than two weeks?"

Kate blinked up at him. What? No, it was already too much time. She probably didn't even need the week of desk duty. She was a fast healer. "Oh, no. That's totally not necessary. I'm fine," she dismissed. "Couple days of sleep and I'll be good to go."

He just stared at her, a muscle twitching up by his eye. "What?" She'd never heard that tone of voice before.

She narrowed her eyes, confused. "I mean, you heard him. It was just a run of the mill stab—nothing really serious. They'll be cautious, but really, Rick, I'm fine. I'll be fine."

"A stabbing is never run of the mill," he returned, his voice tight. "Especially not when it happens to you."

"Hey," she reached up again, her hand less heavy this time, and squeezed his shoulder. "I'm perfectly fine."

His eyes darkened. What the hell? "You are not," he replied. "And stop saying that."

"It's true."

"No, Kate, it's not," he hissed. "You are in a hospital bed, and you've been stabbed. You lost blood. And you're going to have to stay home for two weeks. I've never known you to stay home for two days, let alone two weeks."

She couldn't figure it out. He looked so upset and worried and scared, but she was totally fine. Yes, she'd been stabbed, but she wasn't dead, or really even that injured. Oh, but God, it did hurt like a bitch. She sucked in another breath as she shifted over, trying to make room for him on the bed. She couldn't help the small pant that escaped her lips and she watched him twitch, looking down at her.

"And you're hurting," he added, his voice a bit softer this time.

"I'm okay," she managed. But it did hurt. It hurt a lot. "Sit down."

He blanched. "Kate, no way. Come on, you're in the bed and the stab and…" He sighed, pitching forward to brace himself against the wall by her head, his free hand coming to rest on her thigh. "God, Kate."

"I'm okay, Rick," she repeated. Why couldn't he understand that?

"Stop," he growled. She snapped her head to look at him, ignoring the shock of pain her stupid movement caused. "Just stop it."

"Rick…"

"No, seriously. Shut up. Do you have any idea what it's like to have Esposito on the other end of the line, saying you've been stabbed? Do you? I couldn't breathe," he ranted, his voice rising, making her chest clench, making her blood boil, making her angry and sad and hurt and grateful. "I couldn't think. I'm glad Ernie was around, or I probably would have wrecked on the way here. You got _stabbed_. Do you have any idea how completely worried and terrified I was?"

"Yes," she yelled back, even though they were a mere two feet apart. Because something had snapped, pulled tight and then broken as his words washed over her. "I do know. But you got to come in and find me alive. I had to walk across the tape and look at my dead mother. So I sure as hell know what it's like!"

Their chests heaved and she met his eyes as he let his head fall forward. "Oh, Kate," he sighed, giving in and climbing onto the bed, careful not to jostle her. He sank onto the stiff mattress and placed an arm behind her over the pillows, his hand far from her shoulder as she turned and pressed her face to his shoulder, willing herself not to cry. She didn't know what the tears would have been for—for her mother, for her, for him. But she was overwhelmed and tired and sore and he…

"I'm so sorry," he whispered, leaning down to kiss her head. "I'm so sorry."

She simply kissed his shoulder and took a deep breath, turning more so that she wasn't pulling on her shoulder. "I am okay, Rick. I honestly am. Sore and tired, but okay."

The hand along her pillows dropped to rub at the small of her back, cradling her against him without hurting her. "But you're hurt," he argued. "How can you go back out there, knowing you could get hurt again? I just…"

"Shhh," she breathed, pressing her head into his shoulder. She didn't want to have this talk now—didn't want to tell him that she'd keep getting up and walking straight toward killers. She couldn't imagine being any other way, and that was going to terrify him.

"I can't imagine," he whispered. "I just…when he called and you…"

"Rick," she pleaded, rubbing the back of her hand against his stomach where it was trapped. "Not now, okay?"

"Okay," he replied, sounding resigned. "Okay."

They lay there for a long time, simply breathing. She could feel the rise and unsteady fall of his stomach against her hand and she was sure he could feel her shaking breath against his shoulder. But here they were. He'd always loved her job—thought it was the coolest thing. Now, he'd probably grow to hate it. She just hoped that it didn't break them. It couldn't. She wouldn't let it. But she couldn't walk away from the Force. She needed it, just like she needed him.

The rest of the hour passed quickly, and before she knew it, she was being wheeled out of the hospital, Esposito on one side and Rick behind her, leaning down to whisper about the people they passed, tallying points. The snarky blonde from the waiting room was 20 points, if they hit her, her husband, 40. Esposito snickered into a cough and Kate merely shook her head, hiding her smile.

The flashbulbs on the other side of the sliding, double doors were harder to ignore. Members of the press called out for them, asking for information, wondering if she would live. Esposito muscled his way ahead of them, his badge displayed without restraint, pushing people aside. Kate kept her head down, her hand clenched into a fist as they headed toward the dark town car, Ernie already waiting for them.

"Miss Beckett! Miss Beckett! Will you give up your job now?"

"Will you move in with Castle?"

"Become a full time muse?"

"Will you survive?"

Rick snarled and passed Kate to Esposito as they reached the car, the mob of reporters swarming behind them. He turned around and Kate watched as Esposito helped her into the car.

"Obviously, she will survive. She's injured not dying," he barked at the nearest reporter, who shrank back. "And if I so much as see one of you outside of my building or hers, or I catch even a whiff of harassment once she's back in the field, you can expect legal action. Not only do I have the best lawyers, but I'm rather well acquainted with a number of members on the Police Forces as well. Now, leave us alone and find someone else to hound."

With that he spun back around and got into the car, slamming the door. Ernie pulled away, leaving the shocked reporters in their wake, and Kate let her head hit the seat behind her. Esposito sat between them and looked from her to Rick and back.

"Does this happen all the time?" he asked. "Do they really swarm you guys like that? I thought it was just the once, when I babysat a few weeks ago."

"They were relatively satisfied for a week or so after that," she shrugged. "But they always want more."

,

_"Promise me you won't teach her interrogation tactics while we're out."_

_ Kate stood on the other side of the door to the loft and had to bite her lip to keep from laughing. She did shake side-to-side in merriment, her blue dress rustling as she moved, brushing against the smooth black fabric of her coat while she rubbed her hands together. It was freezing and snowing, but they were determined to go out, on a real date. Apparently, Esposito had beaten her to the loft, where, true to their very fashion, she was picking Rick up._

_ "Why is Kate ringing the doorbell?" she heard Alexis ask while Rick's distinctive tread moved toward the door._

_ He opened it and they smiled at each other for a moment, before his eyes flicked up and down, taking her in. "You look beautiful," he said quietly as she leaned in to press her lips to his, their bodies hidden by the door._

_ "You look handsome yourself," she replied when they pulled apart and she smoothed a hand over the collar of his deep green button-down, worn under a suit jacket. "Very handsome."_

_ He grinned and then tugged her inside, the sound of her heels clacking against the wood alerting Alexis to her presence. The little girl squealed and jumped up from the couch, where she'd been sitting with Esposito. _

_ "Kate!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms around her while Rick disappeared into his office, obviously still getting ready. He really was the girl in their relationship sometimes._

_ "Hey, Munchkin," Kate laughed, spinning them around. "Excited to spend the night with Javier?" she asked, Esposito's real name slipping out of her mouth easily, even as they both grimaced. It just sounded wrong, somehow. He looked relaxed, leaning against the back of the couch, one leg pulled up underneath him and a chessboard laid out in front of him. _

"_I am," Alexis replied. "I'm gonna kick his butt in chess."_

"_Fat chance, Kid," Esposito laughed._

"_I'd watch it, Espo," Kate replied, raising an eyebrow. "Alexis beats me every so often."_

"_And Kate's the best of the three of us," Rick added as he re-emerged, pocketing his cell and wallet. "Alexis has strategy."_

"_I have strategy too," Esposito countered. "I kill you in Halo all the time."_

"_Strategy takes more than guns," Alexis replied, releasing Kate to flounce over and hop onto the couch. "You're goin' down."_

_All three adults laughed and Esposito looked back challengingly. "Oh yeah?"_

_ "Yeah."_

_ "Alright, well, Javier, we'll be back around midnight," Rick told him as he grabbed his coat from the back of one of the kitchen stools. "Careful what you watch on TV."_

_ Esposito glared at him and then gave Kate an innocent smile. "I'll be a good boy."_

_ Kate just shook her head and walked over to give Alexis a kiss. "We'll see you tomorrow, Sweetie."_

_ "Night, Kate," she smiled. "Night, Daddy!"_

_ Rick repeated Kate's gesture. "Night, Sweetheart. Love you."_

_Alexis smiled at them and made her move, jutting a pawn out by two spaces. Esposito looked down at the board and they took that as their cue to leave. Rick took her hand and they left, locking the door behind them. Once they were alone in the hall, Rick swept her into a kiss, spinning her around to lean them against the door. His hands drew circles at her hips and she wound her arms around his neck._

"_Hi," he whispered when he pulled back, looking down at her, though they were nearly eye-to-eye. "Have I said how amazing you look?"_

"_Once," she smiled, running her fingers through his hair. "But thanks."_

"_The boots, woman. God, everything," he continued, leaning in to kiss her cheek and then her ear. "You sure we need to go out?"_

_She laughed and smiled as he chuckled against her ear. "Would be kind of terrible to kick Esposito out before Alexis can kick his ass."_

_Rick nodded and then stepped back and held out his hand again. "Alright, well, at the risk of wounding his ego, I suppose we should try to make that reservation at The Four Seasons."_

"_I still can't believe that's where we're going," Kate replied, leaning into him as they waited for the elevator. "Are you sure we need to go that big?"_

"_You don't want to go?" he asked, meeting her eyes as they stepped inside._

_Kate bit her lip. It wasn't that she had any problems with going to The Four Seasons; it was a glamorous, expensive, movie-date-esque place, and she'd never been before. But something about it just seemed silly on some level. She'd be just as happy ordering Chinese and crashing on her couch. "I…no, I want to."_

"_We can be domestic and boring tomorrow," he told her, giving her hand a squeeze. "Tonight, we put on a show."_

_She didn't like the idea of being in the press anymore now than she had months ago, but he was right. It was time, and they'd still have fun. She clutched his hand tighter as they hit the street, huddling together against the wind as they got into the town car. It didn't even faze her anymore; town cars, doormen, personal service—_

_it was all just part of the life she'd gotten used to with him. _

_ Ernie ushered them into the car, and then they were off, driving toward a fancy dinner, in fancy clothes. Kate's leg jiggled up and down as they rode and she toyed with a copper ring that matched the teardrop necklace she wore. _

_ "Did I tell you that I finally heard back from that Pathologist?" Rick asked after a quiet minute._

_ "Really?" Kate asked, smiling at his excitement._

_ "Yeah," he grinned. "Apparently, you actually can inject someone with enough ink to poison them, but it would work just as well with water…you just have to over-inject."_

_ They may have been going to a fancy restaurant, to be stared at by paparazzi and take pictures for the paper, but Rick was still Rick, her macabre, man-child boyfriend. "You're cute," she said, the thought slipping out._

_ He smiled. "And you're stunning."_

_ She allowed herself to relax against him as he continued to babble about blood transfusions and swollen veins. His voice was soothing and it felt as if she blinked and they were there. Rick guided her out of the car and into the restaurant, whispering in her ear about the people they passed and keeping her blissfully distracted from the flashing cameras. Someday, it wouldn't bother her. Someday._

_ They were whisked to a private table in the corner of the 'Pool Room,' and Kate couldn't help but stare around as Rick pulled out her chair for her, grinning at his opportunity to be chivalrous. The room was gorgeous, covered in whites and pale beiges. The tablecloths were all ivory white and the space glowed with warm light from the hanging lamps set over every circular table. In the middle of the space sat a large, white pool, adorned with various plants and burbling softly as bubbles reached the surface from a vent at the bottom. It was enchanting and fantastical, like walking into a reception hall at a wedding, the breath knocked out of you. Except this 'reception' didn't include the drama Kate had muddled through as a bridesmaid at the last three weddings she'd attended._

_ "Like it?" Rick asked as he sat down, taking her hand across the table. "Too much?" _

_ She smiled. "A little, but it's great. It's gorgeous."_

_ "I've always liked this room. Though, the red room is nice too."_

_ "Have you come here a lot?" she asked, watching people move around the room, all dressed elegantly and talking in low voices._

_ "Some," he shrugged. "But never with someone so beautiful."_

_ She blushed. "You're sappy," she said by way of thanks._

_ He grinned just as their server arrived. He handed them both menus and poured sparkling water for them with the bottle set on the table. Kate would have argued that they could have popped the cork and done that themselves, but this wasn't quite the place for that. _

_ Her mother used to take her for tea at the Plaza, when she was little. They'd get dressed up in pretty, frilly dresses, and go on Sundays, spending hours people watching and giggling together. She'd loved it. But since high school, she hadn't really gone to many fancy occasions—weddings and a few parties, but never anything so ornate. And, here, now, just like at Rick's parties, she found herself out of her element. But Rick was watching her, his eyes dancing, following every movement of her curls, every flick of her eyes, every twitch of her lips. That was normal; that was something she could hang onto. _

_ "You okay, Kate?" he asked quietly once he'd ordered wine for them._

_ "Yeah," she smiled, squeezing the hand he hadn't yet relinquished. "I'm good."_

_ She looked through her menu, settling on the Peppercorn Sirloin Steak, with a Parmesan and Spinach Stuffed Tomato. Everything looked amazing, and she decided to completely ignore the price, knowing that Rick would pay. He almost always did. She'd given up on being bothered by it. She paid when they went small places, or when she and Alexis went out. She had enough money to get by, but Rick had millions. And she never let him spoil her—couldn't count how many times she'd talked him down from buying unnecessary jewelry or trinkets. So he paid for food and some cab fares._

_ "I can never choose between the crab cakes or the lamb chops," he mused, his eyes glued to the menu. "They're both so good."_

_ "Well, what did you have the last time?" she asked, watching his response. Was it totally irrational to want to know who he brought here the last time?_

_ "I had the lamb chops when I was here with Gina a few months back," he replied. "It's a good place for press, but I really wanted to come tonight for the food. You'll love it."_

_ The knot in her chest eased a bit, knowing that the last woman he'd taken here had been a fake date, and now one of her close friends. She appreciated Gina's dedication to her job, and her forward, passionate manner. It made Rick grumble, since she often pushed him for results, but in that way, she and Kate were remarkably similar. _

_ "Crab cakes it is. What are you having?"_

_ "Peppercorn Sirloin," she replied, laughing as he grinned. "You really like that I'm a meat and potatoes girl?"_

_ He chuckled. "While thin women have their merits, I much prefer a woman who isn't ashamed to stuff her face with fries or eat seconds when we have Chinese. And with you, I get both."_

_ "And you wouldn't care if someday, I ballooned up to a size 32?"_

_ His grin never faltered. "I wouldn't care if I had to crane-lift you out of the loft, as long as you were in it to begin with."_

_ Kate laughed. "Oh, God, the mental pictures."_

_ He squeezed her hand and they laughed at each other. She wouldn't balloon up, and they both knew it. Her job required her to be in pique physical condition. But it was still comforting to know that he wouldn't care about a few extra pounds. He encouraged them, even, constantly feeding her. Though, that was as much about making sure she ate well as it was about keeping her at a healthy weight. He liked her slim waist. She knew that. And she liked the way his hands could completely cover her slim waist—the way they squeezed when…_

_ "Did your mind just go somewhere dirty, Katherine?" he asked, his voice low._

_ Kate blinked. Damn. "No," she replied easily._

_ "It totally did," he grinned. _

_"Shut up, our server's coming back," she grouched, smiling up at the well-dressed waiter as he approached them._

_ "And what can I get you tonight?" he asked._

_ "I would like the Peppercorn Sirloin Steak, with the Parmesan and Spinach Stuffed Tomato, please," Kate replied._

_ "And I'll have the crab cakes," Rick added. _

_ "Sounds good," the young man replied. "Your wine will be right out, and then it should be about twenty minutes to your dinner." They nodded and he walked away, leaving them in their corner. _

_"Did I tell you that Meredith's coming next month?" he asked, toying with her ring finger, a gesture that wasn't lost on her. It both made her heart flutter and scared the crap out of her. But that was Rick, a constant contradiction._

_ "You mentioned it last night," Kate replied._

_ "She's staying for a week and wants to 'spoil' Alexis a bit."_

_ "Are you okay with that?" Kate asked, watching the tension in his jaw as he sighed._

_ "No," he said honestly. "But I'm not going to keep Alexis from her."_

_ "And Alexis?"_

_ "Doesn't know Meredith's coming yet," Rick replied. "I don't want to get her hopes up, you know?"_

_ Kate nodded. "That's understandable."_

_ "So it'll just be a great surprise."_

_ "She'll be happy," Kate said quietly. She didn't want Meredith around any more than Rick did, especially because it meant she'd see them less. But Meredith, for every fault and wrongdoing, was Alexis' mother._

_ "Yeah," Rick bobbed his head. "But, heh, sorry. This is a date. I shouldn't be talking about my ex on our first date."_

_ Kate laughed and gave him a smile, making his face light up in turn. "Rick, you charmed me with the details of pathology on the way here. You don't have to stand on protocol with me."_

_ "But I wanted to sweep you off your feet," he pouted._

_ "I've already been swept," she admitted._

_ His smile grew. "Imagine that."_

_ "I'm sure you can. You are a writer, after all," she teased._

_ He laughed, loudly, and mixed his feet with hers under their table. And just like that, they were back at the loft, laughing over leftovers or running around playing laser tag like children, without Alexis there as an excuse. By the time their meals arrived, Kate had all but forgotten that they were at a restaurant, aside from the sinfully good glass of wine she'd been nursing._

_ The food was just as good as she'd expected it would be. Her steak was juicy and full of flavor and spice, and the stuffed pepper was the best she'd ever had. Judging by the moans Rick was producing, his was pretty good as well. He offered her a bite and she accepted, moaning herself at the fresh taste of crab. She offered him one in return and realized that they were that couple now, totally wrapped up in each other, so much so that they ignored the world around them. _

_ Funnily, enough, it didn't bother her. She happily made her way through the meal, playing footsie, laughing, giggling, smiling, beaming, blushing—it was the best date she'd ever had. They shared a tiramisu for desert, and Rick whispered all sorts of things to her as they leaned close together over the plate. He told her that the woman five tables over was a CIA agent, undercover to break the man she was eating with, so he would confess to arms smuggling. The man seven tables away was actually a corporate leader in plastics, and was developing technology to help fight the zombie apocalypse, a theory Kate couldn't quite understand. But it was entertaining. And in between, he murmured all the things he wanted to do to her—kiss her, strip her dress away with his teeth, lick and…her cheeks were very hot by the end of the meal._

_ He paid, not even bothering to look at the check, and then he guided her out of the restaurant, his hand warm against her back as he continued to whisper into her ear. Just before they reached the doors, he pulled her to the side._

_ "Okay, they're going to swarm us. Are you ready?"_

_ She'd completely forgotten that they were here mainly to give good press about their relationship. "Yes," she replied steadily, even though, all of a sudden, her chest was thumping with the beat of her heart. She didn't like this at all._

_ "Just stay with me, and only answer questions if you want to. Don't let them intimidate you. You carry a gun most of the time," he added with a laugh._

_ She smiled and leaned up to press a kiss to his lips before she stepped back and took his hand. "Let's do this."_

_ He grinned and tugged her outside. Cameras flashed and there was a rush of people, until they were surrounded a few meters from the door, men and women tossing questions at them in a cacophony of voices._

_ "Are you dating?"_

_ "What about Gina?"_

_ "How do you feel about being the rebound girl?"  
>"Is it true that you met at a book signing?"<em>

_ "Were you there to arrest Mr. Castle?"_

_ "Rick, is she everything Gina was?"_

_ "What about your daughter?"_

_ "How's it feel to be Rick Castle's Latest Conquest?"_

_ Rick tried to push through, but the crowd was thick and it looked like they were trapped, even as Ernie tried to push through from the other end. Well, this is what they'd wanted, right?_

_ Before she could stop herself, Kate was talking over them. "My name is Katherine Beckett. I am _not_ the rebound girl. I have never arrested Richard Castle. Rick's daughter is none of your concern. Conquest is a slanderous term, and I'll thank you not to use it. We are dating, seriously, and if you know what's good for you, you'll leave it at that."_

_ The voices stopped and the crowd stared at her, taken aback. She'd answered all of their pertinent (a questionable term) questions with aplomb, and it looked like they hadn't been expecting that. Rick himself was stiff beside her, his mouth open slightly._

_ "As Kate's said," he managed as the crowd swung their gazes to him, a few more flashbulbs going off when Rick pulled Kate into his side. "We're dating very seriously. But Kate isn't a celebutante or public figure. She's a cop, and we need you to respect that. If I find out that any of you have hounded her while she's on the job, or otherwise, for that matter, I will have to call my lawyers."_

_ "We're happy to answer your questions," Kate added, almost enjoying how their attention shifted confusedly. "But please respect our privacy. And on my end, if I find out that you've harassed Alexis Castle in any way, taken pictures, or otherwise violated her privacy, not only will Rick get his lawyers, but I'll book you on stalking charges and you can spend the night in my lock-up."_

_ Not a peep, and Ernie had finally reached them. Together, he and Rick flanked her and they got into the car, leaving the stunned band of paparazzi behind them._

_ "Wow," Rick murmured as Ernie took off from the street. "Can you be there all the time? That was amazing."_

_ "They just need a firm hand, like you," Kate chided, trying to joke her way out of how comfortable she'd been bossing them around. It was still unsettling, knowing that people would be following her, them. But now that she knew she could handle it, she almost felt powerful. It wasn't particularly pleasant._

_ "You were fantastic," he chuckled, leaning over to kiss her cheek and then her neck, finally finding her lips only once her breath had sped up. "But now, I want you all to myself."_

_ "Don't…don't get too excited," she mumbled into his lips as his hand ran up and down her side. "We still…have to kick Esposito out."_

_ "Don't want to give him a show?" he asked._

_ "Hell no," she laughed._

_ He nodded and then contented himself with simple kisses and innocent caresses. He wasn't particularly successful, and by the time they reached the loft, they were both sufficiently impatient. Rick fumbled the key into the lock and swung the door open quietly. The TV was going in the living room, and Kate hung up their coats while Rick meandered into the kitchen. He tossed a grin back at Kate while she took off her shoes and pointed to the couch. She understood once she'd made her way over to meet him. _

_ Esposito was sprawled out on the couch, an arm thrown over his eyes and a few stuffed animals covering the floor around him. _

_ "Looks like they had fun," Rick said quietly as he stepped up next to her. They stood behind the couch, looking down at Esposito. "Should we wake him?"_

_ "I doubt he'd appreciate being in the next room in a few minutes."_

_ "Thanks, Beckett. My mental state thanks you," he mumbled, making them both laugh as he sat up. "Good date?"_

_ "Very," Kate smiled. _

_ "You guys have fun?" Rick asked._

_ "She kicked my ass in chess, whooped me in laser tag, and then passed out while we watched that Harry Potter movie." He sounded put-upon, but the smile on his face was proof enough that he'd had a great time. "She's a good kid."_

_ "We think so," Rick smiled, wrapping an arm around Kate as Esposito stood up. "Thanks for sitting."_

_ "Anytime," he grinned. He walked over to the door and began putting on his shoes and jacket. "See you tomorrow, Becks?"_

_ Kate glared at him, but nodded. "You can't call me that at the Precinct," she added while he adjusted his scarf._

_ "No, but I played princess with your kid."_

_ Rick just laughed. "Thanks, Javi."_

_ "It was fun," he shrugged. "Halo on Wednesday?"_

_ "You got it," Rick replied._

_ "Becks, should I invite Ryan? You know, make a team effort?"_

_ She smiled. A pain in the ass he might be, but Esposito was a really good guy. "That would be nice. Think you can stand it?"_

_ "Irish isn't so bad," he grinned. "See you tomorrow. Night, Rick."_

_ He left, shutting the door behind him. Rick broke away to lock it and then turned, leveling a look on her that was half playful, half completely aroused. Kate smiled as he advanced and she backed up, until she was pressed against the counter, his lips covering hers as his hands roamed. _

_ "Come on, Casanova," she whispered into his ear before sucking on his earlobe. "Let's go to bed—see if you can really get this dress off with your teeth."_

_ He growled and scooped her up, laughing with her as they stumbled their way into the bedroom. The press might have official details now, but they were still Rick and Kate, laughing in his bed together while he tried, and failed, to get her dress off with his teeth. _

_,  
><em>

"That sucks," Esposito told her, breaking her out of her thoughts of that first date.

"Sometimes," she replied honestly. "But it's really only when we go out."

"Which we don't do a lot," Rick added. "But we probably should. We're making ourselves elusive, and that's like catnip for paparazzi."

"Let's get me better, so my survival is no longer in question, and then we'll talk about being out in public all the time. Lord knows I need more pictures pinned to the murder boards."

Esposito snorted and Kate whacked him with her good hand. "Hey," he protested, rubbing his arm.

"Shut up, Esposito," Kate grumbled.

"Glad you're okay, Beckett," he replied.

She gave him a short nod and none of them spoke until they pulled up to the Precinct and Esposito got out, sharing a silent conversation with Rick. He waved and then closed the door and jogged inside. Ernie pulled off from the curb and Rick slid across the seat to wrap his arm around Kate, his arm bending so that he cradled her head, his thumb stroking at her temple.

"You guys don't really do the touchy-feely stuff, huh?" he asked quietly.

Kate huffed out a laugh. "That's about as touchy-feely as it gets."

"I'm glad you're touchy-feely with me," he murmured, leaning in to kiss her cheek and then her mouth as she turned her head and let the feeling of his lips wash away the sting in her shoulder.

His other hand came around to cup her cheek and they stayed that way for the rest of the ride to the loft, his hands soft against her skin, his lips warm over her own. It was better than morphine, though, when they stopped, Kate realized why it _wasn't_ actually morphine. The effort of getting out of the car without jostling her shoulder had her gritting her teeth. Rick helped her along, thankfully keeping his comments—many, judging by the hold he had on his lower lip—to himself.

She slumped against him in the elevator, beyond caring about protecting him from it, or appearing macho. It hurt, she hurt, and she was starting to fall, that last bit of control slipping away. He led her into the loft and through to the bedroom, only pausing to help her take off her heels before he laid her down in his bed, propping her up.

"Where's…Lex?" she asked slowly, sinking into his obscenely comfortable pillows. He gave her a soft smile and slipped another cushion under her left arm. She sighed in appreciation as the burden of supporting her shoulder disappeared.

"She's playing at Paige's today," he replied, sitting down at her hip on her right side.

It was only then that she realized he'd put her on his side of the bed. "When we go to sleep, we'll change spots, right?" she asked, the question coming out as randomly as the thought itself.

He chuckled. "If it doesn't hurt to have me here, then yeah," he smiled. "Can I get you anything? You can have a pain pill if you eat something."

She didn't want a pain pill. Pills were addicting. Pills could become a crutch. And her father…She couldn't do it. She couldn't let herself get hooked on…God, oh, God, it _hurt_. She'd been stabbed, like her mother had been…

And then air came in short pants and the world became narrow. She raised her hand to her chest, to try and physically calm her racing pulse, all while her brain simply replayed images—pictures of her mother bleeding out in an alley, pictures of her father drunk in their bathtub or stumbling down an alley, pictures of her shivering on the bathroom floor, hoping for one more pill.

"Kate, hey," Rick whispered, leaning down to press his lips to her forehead. "Hey, I'm right here. Come back, Kate."

She reached up and wound her hand into the fabric at his shoulder, squeezing it between her fingers as she fought to ride the panic out. She'd been stabbed. She'd been hurt. She needed pills. She'd been stabbed.

"I…" tears began to stream down her face, only making breathing harder.

"It's okay. You're okay. I'm right here," he promised, running his free hand through her hair, cupping her cheek. "I'm right here. You're safe. I love you, and you're safe, here at home, in our bed. Come on, Kate, look at me."

She met his eyes and forced herself to take one deep breath after another. His eyes were so blue. She focused on that, on the blue of his eyes, and the steady pressure of his fingers, and the twentieth and thirtieth breath she was able to take. Of course now, her shoulder hurt more than ever, jostled by her panic attack, but the panic itself ebbed and she came back to herself.

"Sorry," she whispered. "I got…and…"

"It's okay," he replied, leaning down to brush her lips with his. "It's okay."

"I don't want a pill," she continued when he pulled back and sat looking down at her. "What if?"

"You won't get addicted," he promised, wiping away her tears. "It's different with your Dad, and I'll be here the whole time. But Kate, you've gotta take the pills, you're hurting."

"I can…I can deal," she argued, trying to force her body into agreeing. But it was hard to make her shoulder stop hurting by sheer force of will.

"I know you can," he sighed. "But you don't have to. And I want to be able to kiss you without watching you flinch. And Alexis will want to cuddle up with you, and if you're in so much pain that you can't even breathe, Kate, I…"

"You're…you're using Alexis against me?" she whined. That was so underhanded.

He shook his head. "No, no. Of course not. I'll never use her against you," he replied. "I'm using her for you. I want you to get better, Kate. And I want you to stop hurting."

She searched his eyes. She knew, theoretically, that her pain medication and her father's alcoholism weren't the same. They weren't connected, and she'd be fine. She'd also refuse to take the meds as soon as the pain was mildly bearable. But he looked stoic and strong, willing to be there to catch her if she fell down. And that was what relationships were all about, right? Being strong for each other?

"Okay," she whispered.

He smiled. "Okay. I'm going to get you something to eat. What do you want?"

"I'm not hungry," she replied. She wasn't. She had very little desire for food, and everything felt so heavy. Eating sounded like work she wasn't so sure she could do.

"Milkshake it is," he said, standing and adjusting her pillows. "I'll be back. You just relax."

She nodded and watched as he strode from the room. Alexis. Alexis would see her like this. God, what a mess. That damn suspect with his freaking knife. All things considered, she was very lucky, and not badly injured. It really was just a run of the mill police injury. But it was an injury, and it would have a lasting effect on Alexis and Rick. They'd never gotten into the realities of her job, other than the missed holidays and odd hours.

"Here you go," Rick's voice broke her out of her thoughts as she accepted the milkshake from him, holding it with her good hand. She took a sip and groaned.

"That's great," she mumbled around the straw, suddenly ravenous.

He sat down at her hip and smiled, rubbing over her knee as she drank. Halfway through, he stopped her and handed her a pill. She paused and took a deep breath, before tossing it back and taking a large sip. She'd be fine, and she had him there to make sure she stayed fine. She could count on the man rubbing patterns over her thigh. She loved him. He loved her. And he'd keep her safe, something she couldn't remember trusting anyone to do since her mother had been alive.

Her hand grew heavy and she tried to blink, but her eyes were shutting. She wasn't even aware of him taking the cup from her before the blackness claimed her and she fell into oblivion.

(…)

"She's okay, Alexis," Rick murmured.

"Promise?"

She sounded so scared. Kate pried her eyes open and searched the room, finally finding them huddled in the armchair in the corner, Alexis perched on Rick's lap.

"Hey," she rasped, her throat scratchy.

"Kate," Alexis exclaimed, squirming out of Rick's hold and scampering over. "Are you okay?"

Kate smiled and reached up to cup her cheek with a heavy, tired hand. "I'm just fine, Honey."

"Daddy said that a bad man hurt you. Why would he do that?" Her big blue eyes searched Kate's, so eerily like her father's had only hours earlier. She assumed it had only been hours.

"Sometimes people do bad things to cover up other bad things they've done," Kate managed, trying to find a good answer while still unable to form full thoughts. "But I promise you, I'm okay, and I'll be good as new in a few weeks."

Alexis shifted closer and placed her hands tentatively on Kate's stomach. "You _promise_?" she whispered.

"Oh, Sweetie, yes," Kate assured her, struggling to sit up. Rick was at her side in a moment, helping her shift so that she was seated against the head of the bed.

He looked at her with concern as she managed the ordeal without one gasp or twitch of pain. She hadn't had to show him that side of her—the side that could become completely blank, no matter what. But Alexis didn't need to watch her writhe or pant in agony.

"Come here," Kate beckoned after a moment, patting the space between her legs.

"Won't I hurt you?" Alexis asked timidly.

"As long as you don't lean against my shoulder, we'll be good. Now get up here. I need my cuddle time."

Rick watched apprehensively as Alexis nodded and clambered up onto the bed, shuffling back to lean against Kate's good shoulder while Kate wrapped an arm around her middle. Alexis cuddled into her uninjured shoulder, keeping her body as far from the arm strapped across Kate's chest as she could. It didn't hurt; the weight was pleasant and warm—comfortable.

"We're okay," Kate told him, giving Alexis a little squeeze.

He nodded slowly. "Dinner?"

"Can we eat in here?" Alexis asked, her hands falling to rest on Kate's arm across her stomach.

"Of course, Pumpkin," Rick replied with a smile. "Requests?" he added, looking at Kate.

"Something soft?"

He nodded and leaned down to kiss both of them before turning and leaving the room. Kate sat, or leaned, there for a few minutes, just feeling the rise and fall of Alexis' stomach beneath her hand. What should she say? What had Rick already told her?

"Kate?" Alexis asked quietly, her voice small.

"Yes, baby?"

"Does this happen a lot?"

Kate gave a small sigh. "No, it doesn't. This is the first time I've been hurt in a long time."

"But you've been hurt before?"

When she'd been a rookie, trailing after Royce, they'd gotten into a bind, six guys to their two, and she'd been shot in the leg. It was just a graze, but she'd bled so much that she'd been laid up in the hospital for two days. This was worse than that. But she wasn't really comfortable telling Alexis the specifics. She also wasn't willing to lie to the little girl.

"I have. I have a dangerous job," she told her. "But I have partners to keep me safe, and we watch out for each other all the time."

"But you still got…got stabbed," Alexis whispered.

Oh, how could she tell her that there was the possibility that someday, some night, she just wouldn't come home? How could she do that to Alexis? How could she just…not come home someday? How could she put Alexis through the same pain she'd gone through? And what about Rick? Oh, God, what had she done?

"Kate?"

She took a deep, calming breath. "Yes?" Good, her voice didn't sound horrified, like every other fiber of her being.

"Could you die at your job?"

A tear slipped down Kate's cheek. She didn't want to tell Alexis the truth. For the first time in her adult life, she wanted to lie—to spin a web of stories like Rick did, obfuscate the truth so thoroughly that Alexis could never be hurt. But she couldn't do that; she might not come home. She might die. She'd made peace with that before. Alexis…and Rick…her family…

"I could, Sweetie," she whispered.

Alexis nodded slowly. "Okay."

"But," she had to fix it. She had to. "I promise you that I will do everything in my power to stop that from happening." Alexis turned her head and then shifted so that they were face to face. Kate reached out and cupped her cheek, sad to see the tears on the little girl's cheeks. "I promise you that, Alexis."

"I love you," Alexis replied, her voice strong this time. "And you _promise_ to try your best?"

"Of course. I love you too, and I won't leave you without putting up the world's biggest fight ever, you hear?"

Alexis nodded and then shuffled forward again, to curl up against Kate, her head on her clean shoulder, and her legs tucked beneath Kate's strapped arm. "You do good things, right? Catch bad people?" she asked after a few quiet minutes.

"I do," Kate replied, running a hand through the girl's hair. "I make sure that they're put away, so they can't hurt more people."

"And it's important that you do it, right?"

Her perceptive, smart, deep, amazing little girl. "Yes."

"So…so you absolutely have to do it?"

Her understanding didn't make it less painful. "I do," she whispered. Alexis didn't know that part of why Kate chased killers was to avenge her mother—to prove to herself and the world that not everyone died for no reason and without justice. But that could be a conversation for another time, when Alexis was older, when Kate could honestly look her in the eye and tell her that her job was no longer a crutch, a replacement.

"But…but what if one day you don't come home?" she whispered, looking up to meet Kate's eyes. "What if you're gone forever and I'm still…I'm still here?"

Kate sucked in a breath and squeezed the child against her. She couldn't imagine doing that to Alexis, ripping that hole in her world. Her own gaping, bottomless wound hadn't healed, and probably never would. She couldn't imagine giving Alexis one as well. But she did her job, and she did it well.

"If that happens, and I don't come home, you'll have your Daddy and your Gram, and my Dad, Esposito, Gina, Lanie, Madison, your Mommy and probably Ryan too. You'll have so many people to help you, Honey. And I'll always be with you, right here," she added, finding the locket they'd given Alexis for Christmas. She never went anywhere without it.

"But they're not you," Alexis told her. "And I love you so much, and I don't want…don't want you to be gone," she hiccuped.

"I'm right here," Kate assured her. "And I won't be going anywhere for a long, long time. You'll be old and gray before that happens."

"But you said…you said that…but…" Alexis tried as she cried into Kate's uninjured shoulder.

"I know," Kate murmured, cradling her head and running her fingers through her hair. "I know, and yes, Alexis, there's always the small possibility that the worst will happen. But we can't…" What had her mother said once? That living in constant fear wasn't really living, and you just had to believe that tomorrow would be a brighter day? "We can't spend our lives waiting for the worst. We should spend it together, living to the fullest and loving each other. I will always come home to you, Honey." And then it was Rick's words that spilled from her lips, "Within every power I possibly have, I will never leave you. I _love_ you."

"I love you too," Alexis whispered.

Kate bent down, ignoring the pain in her other shoulder, and kissed Alexis' forehead while the little girl sniffled into her shirt. They stayed that way, simply holding each other. She wouldn't let herself be killed. She couldn't. She had a girl, a baby, a…a daughter to come home to. The fact that all three of them had referred to the loft as home didn't escape her. But tonight, she was honestly too tired and in too much pain to deal with that.

She glanced toward the door and found Rick standing there, a tray with three bowls held limply in his hands as he stared at them. How much had he just heard? She hadn't cleared any of that with him. Shit. Would he be angry? Would he reconsider? She might, if it were _really_ her daughter in her lap right now. She wouldn't want to tie herself to someone that could slip away. She'd want to protect herself and her daughter. Would Rick feel the same? What would she do if he did?

"Hey," he greeted as their eyes met. "I bring Mac and Cheese, the ultimate comfort food."

He walked over to them and Alexis gingerly climbed out of Kate's lap to settle beside her, careful of her injured shoulder as Rick handed her a bowl. He placed his own on Kate's normal bedside table, and then walked around to steady the tray on Kate's lap. She gave him a grateful smile as she took the spoon he extended. Then, unexpectedly, he leaned down and cupped her cheeks, pulling her into a deep kiss. Kate squeaked and steadied the tray with her free hand while her eyes slipped shut.

They stayed there for a long moment, his lips moving gently over hers and his thumbs stroking her cheeks.

"Ew," Alexis grumbled after a pause. "Guys, ew!"

Rick pulled away, laughing, and glanced over at his daughter as he hovered over Kate. "What?"

"That's icky!" she replied. "You kissed for too long. Remember my fragile psyche?"

Kate giggled and Rick snorted. "Did your Gram teach you that one, Munchkin?" Kate asked as Rick reluctantly pulled away from her and walked over to the other side of the bed.

"Yep," Alexis grinned, leaning into Rick's side as he sat down, his legs stretched out, ankles crossed. "She said that you and Daddy could damage me."

"Please," Rick groaned. "It's her we should be worried about. Kate's a good influence."

"And I keep him in line, since he's second after your Gram for damage concerns."

"What, and you're not on the list?" Rick shot back.

Alexis laughed. "Please. Kate's the mature one."

Rick sighed dramatically and flopped backward, shaking the bed. Kate wasn't prepared, and she let out a small hiss of pain, making both Castles look at her with concern. "I'm okay," she smiled, though even she could feel the strain on her muscles, pulling against the frown and grimace she wanted to make.

"Be careful, Daddy," Alexis chided after a moment.

"Yeah, Daddy," Kate added once she'd taken a few deep breaths, trying vainly to inject levity into the situation.

"Sorry," he mumbled. "Can I get you anything?" he added, watching as Kate took a long sip of over-due water from the glass on his bedside.

"I'm good," she smiled as the pain drifted away. "Just don't shake the bed."

He nodded and they ate in a contented silence. When they were done, Alexis suggested a movie, and they agreed. Rick sent Alexis up to get ready for bed, so she could go to sleep when the film was over, and he disappeared to grab _The Little Mermaid_ while Kate made her way into the bathroom.

Doing things one handed was difficult, but possible. She was just lucky that it was her left arm in the sling. She managed to use the bathroom and brush her teeth with little difficulty. She even got her pants off and changed into a pair of Rick's boxers. The tee shirt she wore would be more difficult, but she'd wait to let Rick help her with that once Alexis was asleep, assuming she didn't pass out during the movie as well.

Her progress from the bathroom to the bed was slow, and she watched as Rick watched her, obviously itching to help her, but refraining. It still surprised her sometimes, how well he knew her. How he could know, never having seen her injured, that she would want to do everything she could on her own. It didn't look easy for him. His hands were fisted on the comforter and his jaw was tight with the strain of not jumping up to help her, hold her, kiss her, _something_.

She walked over to his side and gestured for him to scoot. He nearly fell over himself, quite a feat on the bed, as he shuffled, taking her hand as she sat down, so her arm was the farthest thing along the side. That way, none of them had to worry about knocking into it.

"I'm okay," she murmured, watching his face as he smoothed the blankets over her lap and fluffed her pillows. "Honestly."

"You told my daughter that you might not come home," he whispered, inching closer. "That someday, you might get killed, doing what you do."

She met his eyes as he leaned over her, one hand coming to rest across her lap, next to her thigh, so that he balanced right above her face. "I did. Are you angry?" she asked, bracing her own hand on his bicep.

"You promised to love her forever, and made her stop crying, comforted her," he replied. "Of course I'm not mad."

"But…" she would be. She'd be furious. She was furious at herself for letting this happen. If she'd been killed just a year and change ago, only her father would have been affected. She cared about her father, she did, and loved him so much, but he was a grown man. Alexis, _Alexis_ was a child. "But what if…I'm so sorry."

"I love you," he replied, leaning down to press his lips to her forehead. "I love you so much. I never want you to leave, never want to live without you. But I _love_ you. And you're a Cop, Kate. I can't be mad about that."

"Yes you can," she whispered. "You could be mad because I let this happen, I let you fall in love with me, let Alexis fall in love with me, let us become a fam…a family. But I could die; I could just not…not come home. And that's unfair. It's so unfair. I'm so sorry."

"Do you regret this?"

"No." The answer was instant. She didn't regret this, regret them. She loved them. They had changed her—pulled her out of the darkness. But now, with reality staring her in the face…

"Then I don't either, Kate. Like you said, you'll fight tooth and nail to come home to us, to me, to her. And that's enough."

"But…"

"I could die tomorrow," he whispered. "You know that."

"It's not…"

"Would I be dead?"

"Shh," she pleaded. She couldn't have this conversation again. "I know."

"So it's no different, Kate. And you, you do good things. You're going to make Detective any day now. You _need _this, Kate."

"I know. I'm sorry. I do," she agreed. She needed it, like she needed him, like she needed Alexis.

"Don't be sorry. Just come home," he whispered.

"Within every power I have," she nodded, pressing her face against his cheek.

"I love you."

"Love you too," she replied, just as they heard the scampering of little feet skidding into the room. "Time for some Disney," she whispered.

He smiled and moved away, patting the spot between them for Alexis. She eagerly climbed up on the bed and settled between them, gingerly leaning against Kate's side. Kate wrapped her uninjured arm around her and smiled as Rick laid his over hers, his fingers coming to tangle in her messy hair. She would do _anything_ she possibly could to come home to this, to them. She wouldn't go down without a fight. And if she was lucky, she wouldn't go down at all.

Rick's fingers teased her ear and she looked over and met his eyes. He smiled at her, his gaze loving, adoring, and full of hope. Alexis snuggled further into her side and Kate felt her chest finally release, panic and sadness giving way to a quiet sense of happiness. _Home_.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: From the shortest chapter since Chapter 3, to the longest ever this week. Imagine that! On that note, this chapter is so long, because, unlike the last chapter, I did want to juxtapose these two events. I'm very interested in what you thought of the combination. I hope the date lived up to your expectations. <strong>

**I'm really excited for the next chapter. I feel like I say that a lot, but I've been planning that one for so long…Ah, well, I shall give you more on that when I publish it sometime in the next week.**

**I love you guys and I hope you all have a great Labor Day and first week of school, if you go to school, college, or otherwise.**

**Emma**


	25. Chapter 25

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: The writers didn't have morning classes canceled due to flooding. Booyah.  
><strong>

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 25:<strong>

"Are you sure you're ready?"

Kate turned and met Rick's gaze as he came out of the office. She slipped her bookmark into _Doctor Zhivago_ and closed the book, setting it on the coffee table. He walked around and sat down, lifting her feet and then plopping them into his lap. She wiggled her sock-covered toes against his fingers and gave him a small smile.

He returned it and sank into the couch, bunching up his grey tee shirt as he went. "Are you, though?" he asked, meeting her eyes.

"To go back to active duty? God, yes," she replied on a light laugh. She was more than ready—antsy, anxious, impatient. She'd been given the all clear a week ago, and had, as per agreement, done her week of desk duty. She was almost finished with physical therapy, and it felt like her left arm was even stronger than before. She was excited to get back out in the field.

Rick, however, didn't look as excited as she was. He'd been very upbeat for the last three weeks, annoying her into smiling when she was grumpy, cooking and cajoling her into eating when she wasn't hungry, making her laugh and enjoy herself throughout her recovery. But now, he looked hesitant, almost like he…oh, no, not again.

"I just…are you sure? I mean, wouldn't a desk job be easier?" he asked quietly.

She pressed her foot into his stomach. "Rick, come on."

He shook his head and Kate braced herself. She couldn't tease him into accepting this one. "Kate, you got stabbed."

"I know, believe me," she tried one last time. But her joking smile fell as his lips tightened and he frowned. He was honestly worried, and this just wasn't the time to make light of that.

"How can you go back out?" he asked. "How can you just walk into another alley?"

How can you be willing to put yourself in danger, again? Kate toyed with the edge of the blanket that hung over the back of the couch. She hadn't had to justify her decision to become a Cop when she'd done it. Her father had been a drunken mess, and yes, he'd yelled, but she was hardly willing to listen. Even now, he never mentioned it. She'd assumed he'd made peace with her dangerous profession, or found a damn good poker face.

Rick, however, didn't use his poker face around her. This was killing him. She could feel it late at night, now that she was back at work. He held her tighter, his arm heavier over her stomach, as if assuring himself that she was there. She'd known, on some level, going in, that this would try their relationship. Rick wasn't Will. Will understood. Will had been in danger too. So neither of them could have ever played the 'what if' card on the other. Rick though—Rick had a daughter and a life that would probably shatter if she didn't come home one night.

Kate took a deep breath and met his eyes. Even though he'd said he understood and had made his peace with it, she really knew he hadn't. She owed him an explanation, as close to comforting and worthy as she could get it. "You understand why I'm a Cop."

He nodded and then shook his head, smiling. "I get it on the emotional level. It's the actual, physical level I'm having trouble with, now that you're actually going back."

"You can't have one without the other," she explained. "I need to be out there, protecting people. I _need_ it. And I need to make Detective. I just do. And you've supported that."

"I'm not saying I'm going to stop," he said quickly. "I just…" he laughed, the sound feeble and hollow compared to its normal weight. "You don't need taking care of. You're Katherine Beckett. You can do it all." Kate snorted but he shook his head. "You can do everything alone. So I don't need to protect you. I know that. I take my opportunities when I can."

"Like plying me with food and endlessly fluffing my pillows?" she asked softly.

He gave her a little grin. "Smart, too. But I just…I can't protect you. Why don't you want to protect yourself?"

Kate let out a long breath. "I do protect myself." Maybe she'd grown more than she'd thought; she hadn't even seen it as a slight about her ability as a Cop. "I wear a vest in combat situations, or stakeouts. The thing in the alley? That was a fluke, like getting hit by a taxi."

"But the probability of you getting shot or hurt again is exponentially higher than me getting hit by a taxi," he argued. "I just don't…I don't know how you can willingly walk out there again."

Kate knew. It was about her mother and about justice and…about a need to do it. She just needed it. "Are you asking me how I can do it, for myself, or in light of us?" she asked, letting the question fall out as it hit her mind.

His frown deepened. "I'm just asking," he replied after a moment. "I'm not…I can't…We fell in love with you, knowing you were a cop. I won't ask you to stop."

"But you want to," she prompted. It was there, in his eyes—the lingering doubt, the fear, the worry.

He shrugged and looked over at her. "If I were going to go run around with guns and knives all day, wouldn't you?"

Kate scooted closer on the couch, shifting so that her knees crossed his. "I'd worry," she admitted, reaching up to stroke her hand through his hair along the back of his head. "But I wouldn't stop you."

"Really?"

"I can just imagine you running around with a Cop. You'd be in heaven," she replied, smiling at the thought. "You'd probably do a bunch of really stupid stuff, and I bet whoever you were tailing would want to kill you, but come on, Rick. I can see your grin all the way over here in reality."

He smiled and leaned against her, running his hand up and down her thigh. "Do you grin like a maniac on the job?"

"No, but I am pretty kick ass," she replied. "I'm gonna be just fine, you know."

He bobbed his head. "Yeah."

"It gets better, the farther out you are."

"How do you know?" he mumbled, meeting her eyes.

"Montgomery talks about his wife sometimes, and I've spent time with some of the Uniforms' wives and husbands. I can't…it's always uncertain, you know? But you get…you just get used to it."

"You sure you don't want to be a skydiver or something?"

Kate laughed. "Nah. Killers are more of a rush."

He chuckled along with her, but his hands clutched at her leg and lower back. "Sure, sure."

"You're the first on my contact list now, you know?"

"Really?"

She leaned in and pressed her forehead to his cheek. "Yes. You'll be the first to know. But Rick? This getting stabbed thing? It was fluke. I'm going to be just fine tomorrow, and all the days after that."

He nodded and turned his head to press his lips to her skin, breathing slowly at the edge of her hair. "But how will I have proof?" he mumbled. "How do I know, if I can't see you all the time?"

"I'll still come over, hang out, _hang out_," she replied, leaning up to kiss his ear.

He pulled her closer, smiling more now. "Well, what if instead of coming over to hang out, or _hang out_," he paused and shimmied his hand under the back of her shirt, his fingers warm against her skin. "What if you just came here to come home?"

Kate bit her lips to keep from smiling. "Are you being serious right now?"

He pulled back and met her eyes. "Yes," he replied steadily. "We've loved having you here, non-stop for the last three weeks. And I know you were planning to go back to your apartment tomorrow night, but Kate, come on, just come back here."

"To spend the night?" Oh, she probably shouldn't tease right now.

He grinned at her. "Yes, you little minx. But then stay the next night, and all of the nights after that."

"Have you asked Alexis about this?" Kate asked, letting her fingers linger on his neck. She would say yes. She'd already decided, after having spent three weeks with them, that this was where she wanted to be. She didn't question it, but she needed to, to make sure he was really as ready as she was.

"If she wasn't at Paige's tonight, she'd be asking you herself," he told her, smiling as she let a grin escape.

"Then yes, I would love to move in with you," she whispered.

"Really?" His eyes lit up and he laughed, leaning down to give her an excited kiss that was barely a kiss, because they were smiling so much.

"Really," she asserted. "But…"

"No, no buts!" he exclaimed, placing his hand over her mouth. "No buts."

Kate licked his hand and he recoiled. "Serves you right," she smirked as he grimaced. "And relax, it's just a delay, not a real 'but,' anyway."

"Why?"

"Meredith," Kate replied easily.

"Ah. Right," Rick sighed. "You…no, you're probably right. If she'd just come when she said she was going to…"

"I'd have been on pain meds and Alexis would have been extremely conflicted," she finished. "This way, she and I won't have to cross paths much, and once she'd gone, we'll get down to getting me moved in. I'll need the time to pack anyway."

"We'll need the time to pack," he corrected. "You shouldn't be doing heavy lifting."

Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "Shut up."

"Oh, come on. You go back into the big bad world tomorrow. Let me pamper you. I'll even force Ryan and Esposito into helping us."

"I don't want them at my apartment," she scoffed. "No way."

Rick just smiled. "You do realize that they'll be here all the time, right? And then it'll be your apartment too…"

Kate moaned and let her head fall forward to settle in the crook of his neck. "Really? Coming downstairs to find the three of you on the couch, playing Halo?"

He laughed. "Exactly."

"Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all," she mumbled. Ryan and Esposito, sitting on the couch while she was taking a bubble bath? Ryan and Esposito needling her at home? Ryan and Esposito laughing with her boyfriend and making him feel more included in a world that scared him and made him afraid to lose her? Damn. _Damn_.

"Too late. You've already said yes. No take backs."

"What are you, twelve?"

"Consider what that says about you before you accuse me."

(…)

Her couch was not as comfortable as Rick's, but Kate hardly cared. It was nearing nine and she was just exhaustedly crawling back to her apartment, so the couch could be made of burlap and she would still find it welcoming. She sank into her cushions and threw an arm over her face, not even bothering to remove her heels.

They'd had two homicides that morning, and she, Esposito and Ryan had spent the entire day and greater part of the evening tracking down suspects in the most disturbing places. Kate hadn't even known that someone could live in a dumpster, but one could. If you braced something against the side door and built a complex series of boxes behind it, you could make a little living space. That in it of itself was bad enough. Adding the dead body and dismembered body parts they'd found in the _three_ excavated dumpsters was too much.

She hadn't eaten in nearly five hours, and her shoulder was sore due to all of the crawling in little spaces. She wished, more than anything, that she could have just hunkered down at the loft, taken a bath in Rick's swimming pool of a tub, eaten his leftovers and cuddled with him in bed until she fell asleep, the day forgotten. But Meredith was in town, and, per their discussions on the subject, Kate staying at her place for the duration of the visit was probably safest for everyone involved.

It didn't matter that she'd basically lived with them for four weeks before this and was planning to live there again, as soon as the witc…as soon as Meredith left. She was okay, here in her apartment—her dusty, cold, listless apartment. She could be content here, alone, without Alexis next to her on the couch, and Rick's body beside her in her bed.

She snorted quietly. Of course she wasn't okay here, alone. For all the fighting she'd done to be independent while her damn shoulder healed, she had shamelessly enjoyed having people around. Those two weeks of leave, the first spent in agony in bed, and the second spent in agitation and restlessness, had been two of the best weeks of her life. Yes, there had been pain. Yes, she'd gone a bit stir crazy. But she'd done it with them, at the loft, in the comfort of _family_.

She sighed, pushing memories of movie nights and bedtime stories aside. This was Meredith's week, even though she was three weeks late. She sneered and then flicked her own face in disgust. She couldn't be jealous of the time Meredith got to spend with Alexis. That was just wrong, on every level. But, wrong or not, she felt it. She had no legal claim to Alexis, no real, tangible proof of their bond. But Alexis was hers.

Kate shook her head violently, to rid it of the thoughts she shouldn't have, and sat up, her muscles protesting. She ought to take a Tylenol, or an Aleve. Rick would be hounding her by now, if she were ho…at the loft...at her future home. Kate sighed. She was excited to move to the loft. She was. But there was still a part of her that was having trouble wrapping her head around it. This, however, was not the night to get caught up in the giddy disbelief. She just needed to take care of her basic human needs before she could collapse into bed.

She stood up slowly and walked into her bedroom, shedding her uniform top and slacks with care and the slightest sound of labored breathing. The physical therapy had left her well enough to fire a gun, but she wasn't dumb enough to think she was fully healed.

She shrugged on one of Rick's button downs that she'd pilfered when she'd packed her suitcase at the loft on Saturday. She'd still ended up leaving half of her clothes there. But she had her sweats and the green shirt. She could just…get over herself and make something to eat, because she _had_ to eat. If she lost weight this week, Rick would never shut up about it.

She meandered back into her own kitchen and poked around, trying to pluck up the resolve to just make something. Her phone rang. With a grimace, part in pain from standing up too quickly, and part in frustration of maybe having another case, Kate returned to the living room and picked up the cell.

"Beckett," she answered tiredly.

"Hello, Miss Beckett, it's Toby."

"Hi, Toby," Kate replied, her voice lighter. Toby, her doorman, was a nice older guy with a wife and adorable twin little girls. "What's up?"

"I have something of yours, I believe," he said, almost guardedly. "Can I send it up?"

"Sure?" Kate shrugged. "Everything alright?"

"Why don't you tell me tomorrow," he suggested. "Have a good night, Miss Beckett."

Kate stared at her phone as he clicked off. What the hell did that mean? She set the phone down and then walked slowly to her door. Should she have her gun ready? No, Toby wouldn't send her something dangerous. And it wasn't like someone would want to get into her apartment to hurt her, or damage anything. She tried to find that Cop calm she was so proud of; a call from the doorman shouldn't create this much anxiety. The knock came a minute later and Kate hesitantly opened the door.

She was wholly unprepared for the result. "Alexis?" she breathed, looking down at the little girl, who stared up at her with wide, red-rimmed blue eyes.

"Hi," she whispered.

Kate pulled the door wide and ushered her into the apartment, before shutting it and turning the lock. Alexis stood in her foyer, tears silently running down her cheeks as she twisted her hands together. Kate knelt and placed her hands on the girl's hips.

"Honey, why are you here?" she asked quietly, her earlier hunger, frustration and aches forgotten.

Alexis looked down at Kate's hands. "I…Mommy and Daddy were…" she met Kate's eyes. "I needed to leave. They were so loud, Kate."

Oh, God, she'd run away? "Alexis, baby, please tell me you told your Daddy you were coming here?" Please, _please_ say she'd told them.

Alexis bit her lip and shook her head. "I'm sorry."

"You ran away from home?" Kate asked, needing absolute confirmation.

"Not really," Alexis equivocated. "I ran here."

Kate nodded slowly, taking a deep breath. She needed some vital questions answered before she could let part of her mind freak out. "How did you get here?"

"Ernie drove me. I…I begged Eduardo to let me go, and told him…I…"

"Did you tell him Rick said you could come?" Kate asked, waiting for the nod of confirmation. "But Ernie drove you straight here, and you weren't alone until the elevator, right?" Another nod.

Kate sighed. What a mess. "Okay. We'll talk about running away after we talk about why." Alexis bit her lip, but nodded again. "Now, I need to call your Dad so that he's not worried."

"He's gonna be angry," Alexis whispered sadly. "But I just…they were so…so loud, and Mommy said…I…I'm sorry." She broke down and cried without restraint, and Kate hauled her into her chest, cradling her against her shoulder.

"Oh, Sweetie," Kate whispered, rocking them from side to side. "It's okay. We're okay. We'll get this sorted out."

"Daddy told her to be qu…quiet but she wouldn't and I couldn't sleep…"

Why was she suddenly sure that this conversation was going to break her heart? "Okay. Alexis, Honey, why don't you go sit down on the couch while I call your Dad."

Alexis nodded and stepped back, letting Kate guide her over to the couch. She clambered up and shoved herself into the corner, holding a pillow against her chest like a shield. What had that woman said that had hurt her so much?

Kate picked up her cell phone and sat down beside Alexis, extending an arm for the girl. Alexis slowly cuddled up to her and buried her head in the crook of her shoulder. Kate listened to the ring of his cell as she ran a hand over Alexis' hair and along her back. She hadn't even put on a jacket to come here; she was just wearing a thin flannel night-gown and boots that she was currently toeing off.

Come on, Rick. Pick up the phone. But no dice. It rang and rang until she hit his voicemail. Kate sighed and ended the call. She rarely called the house, but perhaps that's what it would take this time.

Two rings later, Rick picked up. "Hello?" he barked, obviously not quite done fighting yet.

"Rick," Kate said quietly, feeling Alexis burrow deeper into her side.

"Kate? Is…what's up?"

"Well, your daughter is currently sitting on my couch," she replied bluntly. His kid had left the house, and he hadn't noticed, because apparently, he'd been fighting so loudly that he didn't hear the door open and close. "I thought you should know," she added. Was she angry? Was she worried? Kate couldn't really tell. Her emotions were too many and passing through too quickly to catalog.

"Alexis is there?" He asked, breathless. "Shut up, Meredith," she heard, muffled. "Our kid just ran away. Stop yelling about this for one goddamned second!"

"Rick," Kate prompted.

"Kate, yes. God, she's there? She's with you? You promise?"

She would have slapped him. "Yes," she bit out. "She's here, and safe, and sobbing. So I'm going to go and figure out what's wrong."

"I'll be there in ten. Nine, if I…No, you're not staying here," he continued, not bothering to cover the phone this time. "No, Meredith. Our fight? Our…Alexis is _gone,_ Meredith! Just get out. We'll finish this over the phone. Go back to LA. Just go."

Alexis wrapped a hand into Kate's blouse and shook her head slightly. "Make them stop," she whispered.

Kate leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Rick, wait," she broke in.

"Wait? What?"

"Take some time," she hedged. Whatever they'd said had upset Alexis enough to _run away_. She didn't want him to come over and yell at his daughter, fresh from a fight with her neglectful mother. That wouldn't solve anything. "Go for a walk. Clear your head, okay? Get some ice cream, because I'm all out, and then come over. An hour, Rick. Can you do that?"

"Kate," he breathed. "You want me to…come on, no. God, she ran away?"

Moments like these could define things. Moments like these were turning points. She was taking a step now, taking control, taking a stand for the little girl sobbing into her shoulder. If…if he didn't like it, then… "Yes. Take a walk. Cool off. Get yourself to a place where you can hug your kid. Don't come over here looking to blow more steam."

"Kate," he sounded unsure, unconvinced, confused.

"I'm telling you," she continued, gaining confidence. "You need to cool down. And we need ice cream."

"I…Kate, I don't…my kid…Kate," he sighed. He made her name sound like a cross between a whispered prayer and a plea.

"Rick," she softened her tone. "She's okay. She's right here, cuddled into my side. Take care of things on your end and then come see us. She's alright, I promise."

"Okay," she could almost see him bobbing his head. "Okay. A hour?"

"An hour."

"Okay. I…Tell her I love her? And…so many things. Just that I love her, okay?"

"I will," she replied, giving Alexis a little squeeze. "Now go calm down."

"Right."

She clicked off and then sat for a silent second, bracing herself for what was to come. She placed the phone onto the coffee table and then leaned back to look at the little girl beside her, pale skin pink from crying, eyes wet, nose running.

"Alright, kiddo. Tell me what's wrong," she said quietly, shifting so that Alexis was cradled in her lap.

The girl was quiet for a minute, her fingers toying with Kate's buttons. "Mommy was supposed to take me to dinner tonight," she began, her voice soft and steady, almost resigned. "And she didn't come. So Daddy and I made pizza and played laser tag. I think he did it because he wanted to cheer me up. He was supposed to be writing."

Kate rubbed her back and listened sadly. Rick _was_ supposed to be writing. It was why Kate hadn't gone over for a visit. But his time was definitely much better spent cheering Alexis up. "What happened after your night?" she asked when Alexis grew silent again.

The little girl sighed. "I was ready for bed and came down to tell Daddy, and Mommy came. She was carrying lots of bags and saying she was sorry for missing dinner and Daddy…they fought, but really quiet, in whispers." She gave a small snort. "I know when they're fighting. I don't know why they hide it."

Kate simply held her tighter. "They want to protect you, Sweetie."

"They don't do a very good job," Alexis replied instantly, her voice louder and less subdued than before. "But…" she took a deep, calming breath. No eight year old should know how to do that. "But Daddy tucked me in and read me a story and promised to make me pancakes before school tomorrow."

"But you didn't go to sleep, huh?" Kate asked, parts of the story falling into place. God, what an awful mess they'd made for this little girl.

"No," Alexis whispered. "I could…I could hear them."

"In the office?"

Alexis nodded. "Daddy was angry that Mommy hadn't come, like she said she would."

Kate waited. She didn't want to agree with Rick; this was still Alexis' mother. She couldn't pretend that she wouldn't have sided with him though. The woman needed to either keep her promises, or stop making them.

"I was mad too," Alexis added, so quietly that Kate nearly missed it. "And I…" she glanced up at Kate, as if waiting to be reprimanded.

"It's okay to be angry, Alexis," Kate told her. "If I didn't show for something, would you be mad, if I'd promised?"

Alexis nodded slowly. "But I'd forgive you, 'cause I love you."

"Love you too, Munchkin." Oh, this little girl. Her poor little girl. "What happened next?" she asked gently.

"I went and sat on the stairs," she whispered. "I just wanted to…wanted to know _why_." She looked away again, even pulling back so that she was sitting farther away on Kate's lap.

"Know why?" Kate prompted.

"Why I'm not good enough," Alexis murmured. "Why…why the dinner with the big producer was more important than me, again. Why she never…never keeps her promises."

"Oh, Honey," Kate sighed, at a loss. Oh, Alexis.

"And she said…she said that it was for her _career_," Alexis sniffled. "And Daddy said that I was more important, that I should be more important to Mommy." She bit her lip and Kate watched another tear fall down her face.

"Alexis?" she asked quietly, feeling the girl form her hands into fists against her thighs.

"She said that this role was the biggest, best thing that had ever happened to her," she replied, with so much hurt and sadness that Kate felt a tear slip down her own cheek. "And Daddy said _I_ was the best thing that had ever…had ever happened…and Mommy started screaming about…about him making her the bad one and that it was his fault that I felt…that I felt like I wasn't important and I…" she turned fully and met Kate's eyes. "I ran away."

Kate didn't know what to say. How did you comfort a child after that? How did you redeem her mother after that? How? Because Kate didn't know. All she knew was that there was a little girl—the brightest, sweetest, most wonderful girl—sitting on her lap with a broken heart, and she had no idea how to mend it.

"Why am I not good enough?" Alexis asked her, searching her eyes. "Why doesn't Mommy love me?

"Oh, Alexis," Kate breathed. "Your mother _does_ love you. You know that, deep down."

Alexis shrugged jerkily, emotion straining against the muted gesture. "But not enough to stay, right? Not enough for me to…for me to be _important_," she sobbed, catapulting herself into Kate's shoulder, winding her arms around her neck. "What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing," Kate replied firmly, wrapping her arms around the girl's back and pressing her cheek to the back of her head. "Nothing is wrong with you."

"But…" she argued.

"No, Alexis," Kate interrupted. "You are an amazing, wonderful, beautiful, special little girl, and you are worth all the love and importance in the world."

"But something must be wrong with me. Have you seen it yet? Are you going to leave too?" she wept, though Kate could hear the fear there.

"Never," she promised, finding strength for her voice, though all she wanted to do was break down and sob too. "I will never leave you. There is _nothing_ wrong with you, Alexis." She gently shifted the little girl back so that she could cup her cheeks, bringing clouded blue eyes to meet hers. "I love you more than anything in the whole world, and I am not going to walk away from you. Do you believe me?"

Alexis stared into her eyes for a moment and then nodded slowly. "I believe you."

"You are important Alexis. You are worth all the love we have for you. And your Mommy _does_ love you. She needs to sort out her priorities, but sometimes grownups are…" Should she? Did she have the right? Kate looked at the girl on her lap, the girl that had run to _her_. "Sometimes grownups are stupid, Alexis, and they still have growing up to do. But your Mom? She loves you. I promise you that too."

Alexis just blinked and Kate watched her lip tremble. "You love me," she whispered.

"I do."

Alexis nodded again and then shifted so that she could curl up against Kate, her face pressed into Kate's neck. Kate rubbed her back and rocked them side-to-side again, kissing her forehead. "I love you so much," she repeated.

When she'd hit her twenties, Kate hadn't imagined that she'd have a kid before she was thirty, if that early. Technically, she still didn't. However, four years ago, she wouldn't have imagined herself into this situation either—playing surrogate parent—being a surrogate parent. But life didn't fit into plans, and now she couldn't imagine life _without_ this. It didn't make reality less painful though. Alexis sniffled and Kate's heart cracked just a bit more. It hurt, to see her little girl like this, especially because she didn't have any control.

Sure, she could assert her place, convince Rick to calm down, give Alexis a hug—but at the end of the day, Alexis wasn't hers. All those weeks at the loft, taking care of her, and being taken care of, had left Kate feeling extremely maternal. Now, that feeling intensified, but so did the flip side. She wasn't Alexis' mother.

"Kate?" she mumbled after a long silence had passed.

"Yes, Honey?"

"I wish…" she pulled back to look at Kate. "I wish you…I wish you were my Mom," she whispered. "Because…Because I…I just…please?"

"Alexis," Kate breathed in reply. She wasn't her mother, but oh, how she wanted to be. "I…oh, Sweetie. I would…" She had so many words, so many things, so many 'yeses' and 'pleases' and 'of courses,' but they stuck in her throat, behind a lump so large that it hurt.

"I know…I know you're too young, and I'm not…I'm not yours, but…but I wish I was. I…is that…is that okay?"

She swallowed and nodded shakily. "It's okay, Honey. Yes, it's so very okay." This little girl wanted her to be her Mommy? Was she crying too? Yes, those were tears pouring down her cheeks while they hugged. This was not how she'd seen her life four years ago. Alexis was right; she was too young to really be her mother. It was possible, but at the time, Kate had been more focused on grades and third base than babies and diapers.

Twenty-four was young to be a mother—a real mother. She knew that. She'd come to terms with it. Twenty-four was young to be an Officer, slated for Detective before summer. Twenty-four was young to be in love with _the one_. Twenty-four was just young, all around. But Kate had never been very good at being young. She'd refused a night-light when she was three, just to stare down the darkness. She'd read the classics in middle school, tirelessly trudging through them, forcing her young mind to understand concepts far beyond her ken. She'd dated men too old for her in college, staunchly pretending they weren't. She'd spent a life being too old for her age.

Sometimes, the false maturity messed with her. Sometimes it catapulted her into situations that were hard, or terrible, or tragic. Sometimes, it kept her from drowning like her father, but stole the last vestiges of her innocence. But sometimes, like now, with this amazing little girl looking into her eyes, asking for something she wasn't positive she was ready for, her false maturity met her with confidence. She'd be whatever Alexis needed from her, because _that_, regardless of age, or place, or status, was what she was meant to do.

"It doesn't make me a horr…horrible daughter?" Alexis asked, her voice trembling.

"No," Kate told her, running her thumbs over the girl's cheeks. "No, Sweetie, it makes you human. Someday, whether that's a week from now, or years, you will make peace with your Mom. But right now? If you want to be angry, that's okay."

"Really?"

"Really," Kate promised, leaning in to kiss Alexis' forehead. "You can be mad, or angry, or sad, Alexis. You're entitled to your emotions. You don't have to hide them from me, okay?"

"I'm just…I'm tired of pretending that she's perfect, Kate," Alexis whispered. "Because she's not! She's selfish," she added, the last word falling from her lips on a ragged, fearful breath. "And I just want her to be like you, because you're perfect. Why doesn't she love me like you? How can you love me more than my own Mommy?"

"Alexis," Kate said, catching a falling tear with her thumb. "Your Mommy loves you. She truly does. She may not be the best at showing it, but she does." It physically hurt to defend this woman. "And yes, I love you so, so much. But that doesn't mean that your Mommy doesn't."

"But you call, and you tuck me in, and you come to my school to pick me up. And you make me dinner. And you play with me. And you…please, Kate? Please be my Mommy."

Oh, ask her for anything else. _Anything_. She'd go out and rob a bank right now. But she couldn't give Alexis that, not in those words at least. "I will always, always be there for you, Alexis. I will tuck you in and call and go to school and make you dinner and play with you. I will be here whenever you need me, baby."

"But you can't…you can't be my Mommy, right?" she asked, her small lips curving into a sad smile. "I know it doesn't work like that. But I just…" she took a breath and reached out to fiddle with the chain around Kate's neck. "I know that you miss your Mommy," she whispered. "And I thought, maybe…it's not the same, but maybe if you were mine, then you would miss yours less and I'd have you so I wouldn't need my Mommy."

Another tear slipped down Kate's cheek. "Oh, Honey," she murmured.

Alexis met her eyes again. "I'm sorry you don't have your Mommy."

"But I have you," Kate replied, the worlds tumbling out of her mouth. It wasn't the same, she knew. But this, right now, filled a hole that Kate hadn't known existed. "And we'll always have each other, okay?"

"Promise?" Alexis whispered.

"I promise," Kate assured her.

Alexis smiled tearfully and wrapped her arms back around Kate's neck, leaning in to rest her head on her shoulder. Kate rubbed her back and bent her head to rest her cheek against the girl's red hair. How could you do anything less than love this child with everything you had? She honestly worried about what she'd do the next time she saw Meredith. Rick wasn't high on her list right now either, though he wasn't slated for death just yet. But how consumed by an argument would you have to be to _not notice_ your own kid running away? And why did he let it get so out of hand? Why did _they_ let it get so out of hand? Alexis had run away.

"Alexis," Kate murmured.

"Yeah?"

"We need to talk about you running away," she said gently.

"But I came here," Alexis replied quietly. Kate could hear both the pain and the false hope there. "I came to you."

"I know," Kate sighed. She couldn't let her get away with it though, no matter how much the words twistedly warmed her heart. "And I'm glad you came to me, but you still ran away from home."

"I couldn't stay," she whispered. "I just…I needed you, but Mommy was there, and Daddy was yelling, and I…"

Kate kissed the top of her head and then shifted her back so that they could look at each other. "I understand Alexis. You had very good reasons for coming here."

"But I still ran away," Alexis continued for her. "I'm sorry."

"Honey, I don't want you to be sorry. I want you to understand how dangerous it is to run away from home." The body of the little girl from two months ago flashed before her eyes and Kate swallowed hard. "Bad things happen to little girls, Alexis. And you know that none of us, me, your Dad or your Mom, could ever live without you."

"I didn't…" Alexis mumbled.

"I know you didn't think about it, Alexis," Kate replied. "And that's why you have to promise me that you'll never, _ever_ run away again."

Alexis searched her eyes. "But what if…but I needed you," she protested, her hands wrapping into Kate's shirt. "I needed you."

Kate let out a slow breath. It was hard to fight that logic. Alexis had made the decision for the right reasons, but the conclusion, the outcome, had been faulty. "You could have called me, Alexis. I would have come and gotten you," she told her.

"Really?" The disbelief in the little voice nearly broke her heart all over again.

"Of course," Kate replied, reaching down to take Alexis' hands. "I will always be there if you need me. Just like your Daddy will. If you're in trouble, you call us, okay? You're lucky that you have a driver and doormen who care about you, but Honey, something terrible could have happened to you tonight."

"I'm sorry," Alexis said sadly. "I'm really sorry. I didn't think. I just…I needed you, and I knew that…I knew that Ernie would take me. And I…I lied to Eduardo," she bent her head. "I'm a bad person."

Oh, God, this child. "Alexis," Kate prompted, waiting until the girl raised her head. "You are not a bad child at all. We all make mistakes. And I'm glad you're here, so we could have this talk. You did something that wasn't smart, but you're not bad, Honey."

"But I…I lied to Eduardo," she whispered. "And I ran away, and scared Daddy, and…"

Kate lifted a finger and covered Alexis' lips. "You can apologize to Eduardo, and you can give your Dad a hug and maybe lose a little TV time this week." Alexis sighed but nodded and bit her lip. "But you are not a bad girl, Alexis. You are the best little girl ever, you understand?"

Alexis giggled and wiped her eyes. "Will you make cookies with me for Eduardo?"

Kate smiled. "Of course. Did he like them at Christmas?"

Alexis nodded. "He liked the peanut butter ones best."

"I say we make those then," Kate said decisively. "How about Friday night?"

Alexis cocked her head. "Are you coming home now that Mommy's gone?" she asked quietly.

Kate blinked. The thought hadn't even occurred to her. She was supposed to stay at her apartment until Meredith left, but it sounded like she was already gone. Did that mean that she'd go back to the loft now? Did she stay the week like she'd planned? And when did they pack? And would…would everything she'd just said be alright with Rick? They'd never talked about her role with Alexis, outside of the nebulous conversations about parenthood they'd had two months ago.

"I don't know, Sweetie. I'll ask your Dad when he gets here," she replied slowly.

Alexis took a deep breath. "Is he going to be mad? He doesn't get mad very often."

"I don't know, Alexis," Kate replied honestly. She hadn't gotten a clear read off of him when they'd spoken on the phone, before Alexis had said she wanted Kate to be her Mommy. Wow. "But he'll be here soon, and even if he is angry, he won't be for long. I think he'll just be happy to see you," she told her.

As she finished speaking, a key turned in the lock and Rick practically fell through the door. He shut it and then dropped the bag of ice cream on the foyer bureau before rushing over to them and kneeling on the floor. He pulled Alexis into his arms and clutched her to him while she shuddered into his shoulder, crying again.

"I'm sorry, Daddy," she whispered.

"You really scared me, Kiddo," he whispered back. "But I'm glad you went to Kate." He looked up and met her eyes. "Promise me that you'll never run away again. Especially once Kate's moved in with us."

The breath she hadn't known she was holding whooshed out and Kate let herself slump against the pillows while Alexis said she promised over and over. Even if it _had_ meant that she wouldn't move in with them, Kate wouldn't have changed anything about tonight and how she handled Alexis' appearance. But it was utterly calming to know that Rick wasn't upset.

The hunger that had disappeared when Alexis arrived returned and Kate sighed. She cast a fond look at the pair on the floor and then stood up, biting her lip to keep from groaning. Her shoulder ached and felt heavy. Perhaps she did need that Tylenol after all.

"I'm going to get us some ice cream," she told them, giving Rick a soft smile as she walked back to the foyer.

The ice cream was a bit soft, but that wasn't an issue; it just made it easier to spoon into three large bowls. She worked in silence, listening to Alexis and Rick murmuring in the living room. She'd wanted to give them time alone, and had needed her own breather. Every day she grew closer to both of them. Loving them had just been the beginning of it, not the end, not even the middle. Now she was in so deep that she'd never swim back. Alexis wanted her to be her _Mommy_. And she'd taken a parenting stand against Rick. She still had things to say to him; she just didn't know how to say them.

But the ice cream would melt if she stood there any longer. She shoved the carton into her freezer and then downed a Tylenol with a glass of water before bringing the three bowls back to the living room. Alexis and Rick were cuddled up on her sofa, Alexis now sitting on Rick's lap as he whispered into her ear. She beamed up at Kate and accepted her bowl, sliding off of Rick's knees to settle in between the two adults when Kate sat down.

"Everything all squared away, you two?" Kate asked, taking a big bite of her ice cream. It was cool on her throat and set off some small memory of having her own ice cream after a punishment, argument or problem as a child.

"Alexis understands why I was so worried, has promised not to run away again, and will be spending an hour tomorrow helping me mail letters," Rick replied, running a hand through Alexis' hair as his ice cream sat uneaten on the table in front of them.

"But Daddy says I don't have to lick the envelopes, so it's okay. And I do promise not to do it again," Alexis added. "And I promise to call you before if I ever need to."

Kate nodded and nudged the little girl. "We'll put me on speed dial, hmm?"

Alexis giggled and leaned into Kate's side, her body finally sagging after all of the adrenaline and tears had faded away. "You're comfy," she offered sleepily, the sugar of the ice cream seeming only to serve to make her more tired.

"And you're going to fall asleep in your desert," Kate laughed. "Come on, kiddo. Let's get you into bed."

"Are we staying here?" Alexis mumbled while Rick removed her bowl and stood up.

Rick looked down at them and met Kate's eyes. "That's really up to Kate, Honey," he replied, raising an eyebrow.

"We can bunk in my bed. It's big enough for three, in a squeeze. And it's ridiculously late for you, little miss," Kate decided. She didn't really want them to leave, and she was sore and tired; trudging back to Casa Castle seemed like too much work, all around.

"Sounds like a plan," Rick nodded. "Come on, Lex. Let's get you into bed. Kate and I'll join you in a little while."

Alexis took her father's hands and stood up, rubbing her eye with one hand while Rick led Alexis back into the bedroom. Kate followed slowly, watching as Rick guided Alexis into the bathroom. Kate rolled her neck and went to turn down the bed, forcing her worries to the back of her mind. They'd talk, and whatever happened, happened. There was no use worrying over it, even for a few minutes.

"You're sure you want us bunking here?" Rick asked quietly, standing at her side as she spread the pillows out and then stood straight again. She smiled as she felt his hand come to rest on the small of her back.

"I'm sure," she replied. "We all need sleep, and dragging her back to the loft won't help her. And I'd rather…" she broke off. Sleeping without him, even for the past five days, had been difficult. She'd gotten so used to it throughout her recovery, and now…she missed him.

"I sleep better with you there," he said quietly. "So I'm happy to stay."

It didn't seem like he was mad. That was reassuring, at least. Alexis came out of the bathroom then and clambered up onto the bed, crawling to the pillows and slipping under Kate's comforter, her little body dwarfed by the large bed.

"Love you," Alexis mumbled, looking up at them. "And thanks, Kate."

Kate smiled and placed a knee on the bed to lean over the little girl and kiss her forehead. "Anytime, Alexis. I love you. Sleep tight."

Alexis smiled and Kate leaned back, allowing Rick to do the same. The little girl closed her eyes as Rick straightened up and Kate dimmed the lights. They stood there watching her for a moment, before Kate took Rick's hand and led him out of the bedroom, closing the door as they went. She walked them back into the kitchen and then dropped his hand and leaned against the counter, observing him.

He ran a hand through his messy hair and let out a sigh before sinking into one of the wooden chairs around her small table. "My kid ran away."

"Your kid ran away," Kate repeated, giving her own small sigh. "She said you guys were screaming."

Rick nodded. "Meredith more than me, but I…" he looked up with a self-deprecating smile. "I'm good at matching her."

"You didn't hear her leave?"

He shook his head and she watched as he wrapped a hand around one of the wooden spokes of the back of the chair, squeezing until his knuckles turned white. "I had no idea she was gone until you called."

Kate bobbed her head. "Do you have any idea of when she actually left?"

He met her eyes. "No. I get the feeling that you do, though."

Kate took a deep breath. He needed to hear it. He needed to know what his screaming matches with that woman did to his daughter. Her place or not, he needed to know, because Alexis needed him to know. "She left right after you told Meredith that Alexis should be the most important thing in her life, and she told you that the role she just got was the best thing that ever happened to her. Alexis says Meredith lit into you about you making her look bad, and then Alexis left—just got up and left. She wasn't even wearing a jacket."

Rick slumped forward. "She heard that?"

"Rick, she heard everything up until that point," Kate replied, her voice gentle, even though she could hear the bite behind it. "The last time this happened we could hear everything too, but Alexis was tired and I was there to distract her. Your apartment's not that soundproof."

"So you think I shouldn't fight with her? She didn't show, again, Kate. Come on. What was I supposed to do?" he asked, raising his head to look at her.

Kate steeled herself. He'd always said they were equals. She wanted the best for Alexis, just like he did. She could do this. "You need to wait to fight like this until she's out of the house," she replied, keeping her voice even.

His eyebrows rose. "Seriously?"

"Seriously. You didn't see her, Rick. She was crying when she got here—full on water works. And that's after the fifteen minutes it takes to get here from the loft."

His eyebrows fell and the spark that had lit his eyes at her suggestion disappeared. "How long?"

"How long was she crying? A good thirty minutes after that. Do you have any idea how much it hurt for her to hear all of that? It's not like she doesn't know Meredith's absent and self-absorbed. But it's different to actually hear it," Kate told him. She tried to keep her voice steady and calm, but she was still worked up, beneath the layers of self-imposed restraint. "She wanted to know what was _wrong _with her—what made her unworthy of Meredith's love. She wanted to know when I'd see it, Rick."

"What?" he breathed.

"She thinks there's something wrong with her," Kate repeated. There was no trace of objectivity to her now. She was hunched against the counter, her arms crossed over her chest, fists clenched. "She asked…she asked me why I couldn't be her mother, Rick, because she wants Meredith to love her like I do."

"I…"

"You can't do that with her around. It _hurts_ her, Rick. It's going to leave a lasting mark on that girl. You just can't fight with her around."

"I didn't know she was listening," he argued.

"You didn't think about it," Kate hissed. They were being quiet, their voices shooting across the small kitchen in whispers and murmurs. She wouldn't let Alexis in on this fight. "You get too caught up in the hurt and pain between you and Meredith. You did it when they got back from Paris too. And I know you fight whenever you're together; Alexis has said so."

"I don't let…"

"You do," Kate cut him off. "You let your anger get the best of you and you don't remember that you've got a little kid upstairs."

"That's not true," he growled.

Kate met his glare with her own. "It is," she replied. "I'm not faulting you, Rick. It's understandable. It's normal. But it's not okay. Not with Alexis. One day, you guys are going to have a knockdown, drag-out, and she'll say something that Alexis won't ever get over. And you don't want that for her. I know you, Rick." She paused and uncurled at the stunned look on his face. "You're a great Dad," she added softly. "You are. This is your Ex-Wife we're talking about. You get to be irrational about her. But you just _can't_ do it with Alexis around."

"You're saying this is my fault?" he asked, his voice harder than she expected it to be.

"No," she replied. She needed to pretend he was just someone across the table, getting angry because she was insinuating he had a hand in a murder. If she let her emotions come out to play, they'd blow up. And aside from the ramifications that could have for them, it would ruin Alexis. "I'm not saying it's your fault. I'm saying that you were part of a situation that led to your daughter running away. It's not about _fault. _It's just about making sure it doesn't happen again."

"Meredith was yelling too," Rick bit out. "She was the one that made her run away."

Kate took a deep, steadying breath. She wouldn't sink down to his level. He'd been the mature, calm, focused one in this relationship before. It was her turn now. "You yelled back," she told him. "And no, what you said didn't make Alexis run away. But we both know that you're the one who can stop it. Meredith doesn't have the ability to step back and see how it's hurting your daughter."

"So I'm just supposed to rise above it and not care when her mother doesn't come for dinner, or Christmas or Easter? I'm just supposed to leave it? I shouldn't fight for my kid?" God, he sounded so angry and confused and hurt.

"I'm not saying that," Kate sighed. "I'm just saying that you wait until Alexis is out of the house before you do it. You _should_ fight with Meredith about this, Rick. Hell, let me at her. You won't even have anything to fight with anymore after that."

"I…" he scrubbed at his face with his hands. "She heard _everything_?" he whispered, the fight leaving his eyes as he looked up at her. "And she ran away. She said she lied to Eduardo. She never lies!"

His breathing was speeding up and she watched his fists clenching and unclenching again. "Rick, hey," she said quietly, crossing the few steps between them to reach out and run a hand through his hair. "She's okay."

"She came all the way here? Did she…she could have…Kate, God, my kid…"

"It's okay," she murmured, cupping his cheeks. "Hey, she's just fine. We just tucked her in."

"I made my kid run away. How is that okay?" he asked.

The look on his face nearly made her cry. "She's safe, and warm, and asleep, Rick. And yeah, you fought with Meredith and Alexis ran away. But nothing you've said or done has caused her pain. Meredith is the one to blame here. And as long as you don't fight with Alexis around, this won't ever happen again."

"Thanks for being someone she can go to," he replied after a minute of labored breathing, his hands coming to rest on her waist as she stood over him. "I can't even…you…please come back with us tomorrow?"

Kate leaned down and kissed his forehead, happy to be able to make it better in some way. "Yes."

"How can I thank…it was never supposed to be your responsibil…Thank you," he managed.

Kate pinched his ear and he gasped, looking up at her in surprise. "Don't thank me for loving your daughter."

He went from confused to smiling. "Alright. She wants you to be her Mom, huh?" he added, the information coming back to him, making his grin bigger.

"Only because her Mom doesn't treat her as well as I do," Kate returned. "I don't…it's wonderful, but it makes me hurt for her."

"You'd make a fantastic mother, Katherine," he said quietly. "You already do."

Kate met his eyes, a knot in her chest easing. Oh, she'd been worried that he'd feel she'd overstepped. Right. "Don't get any ideas, Mr. Castle," she said, instead of falling into him and kissing him senseless.

He just smiled up at her. She could see the anxiety that still lurked behind his eyes—the lingering self-doubt and pain the entire evening had caused still running at the back of his mind. But still, he smiled and the sight of it warmed her entire body. "Oh, I have ideas. But first, I think we should think about boxing up all of your stuff to take home tomorrow."

"No," she laughed, watching as his face fell. "No, not tonight," she amended, rolling her eyes as he brightened again. "Tonight we need to sleep, and tomorrow I need to go to work."

"Right," he sighed. "You must be exhausted. You nearly inhaled that ice cream. Have you eaten or slept at all since Saturday?" He looked her over and Kate fought the urge to shy away, like he'd just know that she hadn't been keeping up with her own health.

She shrugged. "I've done alright for myself."

"Liar," he chuckled, squeezing her waist.

"Yes, well, tonight is your night for comfort, not mine," she replied, bending down press a gentle kiss to his lips. "So come on, I'm exhausted, and you look like you're about to fall over."

She took his hands and pulled him up to stand with her. As soon as he was on his feet, he hauled her into his chest and buried his face into her hair. She ran her hands comfortingly over his back and neck, swaying side to side as he took a few deep breaths. She supposed he needed this, and she knew that she did too. The whole evening had been a whirlwind and she was emotionally and physically drained.

"You know," he said as he pulled back and looked at her. "I've never slept in your bed."

"Guess we should remedy that," she laughed, turning and stepping away to lead him to her bedroom. "And maybe if you're a very good boy, I can sleep in your bed tomorrow night," she added as she stopped at her bedroom door.

He came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her stomach, pulling her back into his chest. "No," he whispered in her ear. She turned her head to look at him, but he kept her pressed to his chest. "Tomorrow night, you'll be home, sleeping in _our_ bed, and you won't be going anywhere for a long time."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, as I said, I've been looking forward to this chapter for a long time. I hope I did it justice. It was a conflict I was always really interested in. And there will be more conflict, of other sorts, to come soon.<strong>

**Thank you all for being so amazingly supportive and amazing, as you always are. I love getting to hear from you, and I find your opinions, reviews, input and thoughts endlessly interesting and entertaining.**

**Love you guys.**

**Emma**


	26. Chapter 26

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: If I owned this, I'd be too busy releasing promos meant to kill the fandom to get any writing done. Instead, I wrote this.  
><strong>

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 26:<strong>

"Beckett, you own a lot of crap," Esposito wheezed, dropping a stack of boxes to the floor in the foyer of the loft. "A ton of crap."

Kate squeezed by him, a duffel bag she'd wrestled from Rick over one shoulder, and a light bag over her recently healed one. She glanced down at the boxes Espo had brought in and then shot him a glare. "Those are my books, Esposito—Classics, not crap."

"No," Ryan argued, puffing as he wheeled a hand truck with yet more boxes past both of them. "This is crap. You have crap. This whole thing is crap. Remind me why we're doing this again?"

"Because we're your friends and if you don't, there's no Madden for you next week," Rick replied as he came in, hefting two duffels, his cheeks tinged pink with the effort. "And Kate, where the hell are we putting all of this?"

He dumped the duffels onto the couch and then cracked his back, watching as she began sorting through the boxes. "Is that everything?" she asked.

He nodded. "Yep. I paid the truck and they're gone."

Kate smiled. All of her things were officially at the loft. "We're putting them wherever I want, or wasn't that the deal?"

He considered her. "Does my answer set the tone for eternity?"

No, but that sounded like fun. "Yes."

Esposito and Ryan leaned against the back of the couch, and in an eerie parallel to how they conducted themselves on the job, they formed a triangle. Rick stared at them. "That's oddly intimidating, actually."

Kate turned her head and shot the boys a grin. She brought her gaze back to Rick and arched an eyebrow. "Well?"

"I suppose we'll find someplace to put all of your…stuff. Please tell me most of those boxes are books?"

She let him twist under her stone-faced, perp expression for another moment and then smiled, watching as he hesitantly smiled back. "Yes. And they're not duplicates of yours, either, except for some of the mystery."

"Right, because you've got notes in the margins of all of my books. Wouldn't want to lose those," he grinned. "Should I put the duffels in the bedroom?"

Kate nodded and then watched with some humor as he sighed, sucked in a breath, and lifted the two large bags from the couch, staggering away toward the office. She turned around and looked at the guys, who were smiling at her.

"What?" she asked, smoothing a hand through her hair.

"Nothing," Esposito shrugged.

"Ryan," she beseeched, turning to the smaller man. "Tell me."

Ryan exchanged a look with Esposito. They'd bonded far too quickly for her taste, even though Esposito continued to razz the 'new guy.' Now it felt like they had all these inside jokes, especially when it came to her and Rick. In two short months they'd developed a bromance that was almost cute, and Kate wasn't in the business of finding anything about Esposito _cute_.

"It's nothing, Beckett," he replied easily, not even intimidated by her glare.

Rick re-emerged from the bedroom, stretching his arms over his head. "What?" he asked, as the boys turned to look at him. "Shut up," he added as he came to stand beside Kate.

"What shut up?" she demanded. "They didn't say anything."

The men looked among each other. "It's a Madden thing," Rick supplied with an innocent face. "So, pizza?"

"They're feeding us?" Ryan asked Esposito. "Sweet."

"Dude, how old are you?"

"Shut up. Free food is free food."

"You're not in college anymore."

"I don't see you turning it down."

"I don't want to be rude."

"You just want the free food."

Kate tuned them out and pulled out her cell, quickly ordering two large pepperoni pizzas. She smiled as she gave the address. She was really living at the loft now. She'd liked her apartment; it was lovely. But there was just such a feeling of _home_ at the loft—a feeling she hadn't had since her mother died. Rick caught her eye and wrapped an arm around her, pulling her into his side as he leaned his head toward hers.

"Welcome home," he said quietly, kissing the side of her head.

She smiled and turned her face to meet him in a chaste kiss, extremely mindful of their audience. When she pulled back, she was mildly aware that Esposito and Ryan were no longer talking.

"Guys, really," Rick whined.

"What?" Kate demanded.

"Mom and Dad are so cute, aren't they?" Ryan asked Esposito.

"Sickeningly. Honestly, Beckett. We didn't come help you out to watch you makin' out with Castle."

"Keep that up, and you can be doing desk work for the rest of the week," she threatened.

"With what power?" Esposito challenged. "Wait, did you hear?"

Kate nodded slowly. She hadn't told anyone yet. It wasn't completely locked, but Captain Montgomery had told her the previous day that there was a high chance that she'd be a Detective by the end of the week. She'd already done the paperwork, sat through all of the training and done her testing, some of it yearly and mandatory, and some of it new. The Captain was waiting for approval on her promotion, but it was fairly certain. She was popular and well respected in the Precinct.

"Not quite yet," she offered, feeling Rick's hand tighten on her shoulder. She glanced up and found him grinning.

"Then your threat doesn't hold water," Esposito laughed.

"I'll take Ryan away and give you to Karpowski instead," she replied.

Ryan and Esposito looked scandalized. "It's bad enough that I have to drive with her. You can't make them partners," Ryan interjected.

"Karpowski's good at what she does," Kate rolled her eyes. "But I will give you the car thing. Tough going, Ryan."

Rick laughed and all three of them looked at him with mirroring expressions of confusion. "What?" Kate asked for the group.

"I love the dynamic," he offered. "But, plates and stuff? Did you have some to unpack, Kate?"

Deciding to grill him on his 'dynamic' comment later, Kate looked around and spotted her kitchenware box, which was admittedly rather empty. She'd only brought the few plates and bowls that had belonged to her mother, and one or two vases. She pointed and then watched, grudgingly, as he picked it up and brought it to the kitchen island, Esposito and Ryan trailing in his wake. They quickly unloaded the box and Rick showed them where to put her few plates and other dishware.

Kate watched, sitting down on one of the stools. Rick still refused to let her lift things over her head, when he was there to stop her. It was pointless. She'd been back on full active duty for three weeks now. She was done with physical therapy. She still babied her left arm a little, but only when lifting heavy objects. A few plates? She could completely handle that. But Rick was over-protective. She'd tried to fight him on it, but after a while, she'd simply given up. What was the point?

She stared around the room, looking at the two stacks of boxes and two big storage tubs that sat in the living room. She'd basically been living at the loft while they packed up her apartment. The lease would run out in April, so she wasn't paying for more than two weeks of not actually living there. She'd thought about staying until it was up, but Alexis had pouted and Rick had argued that she'd be sleeping at the loft anyway—an assumption she didn't bother to fight—so she may as well pack up and move in now.

She'd left her furniture there, since Rick had more than enough. And now, she looked around at her _home_. Bookcases along the wall for her books, space in the bathroom for her shampoo, half a closet and most of the dresser drawers for her clothing—she had space here. Kate smiled and her mind supplied pictures of the past few weeks.

She and Alexis lying on the couch, watching a movie. Rick crawling back into bed after a fit of inspiration, his breath warm against her neck as he cuddled up to her. Making dinner in the kitchen, and degenerating into a flour war. Coming home from a horrible day to the sound of laughter and losing herself in an epic laser tag battle. And now it was her life.

The doorbell rang and Kate realized that she'd completely zoned out. Rick sped past her to get the pizza and she reluctantly looked over at the guys.

"Happy to be home, Beckett?" Ryan asked, without the usual trace of teasing. "It's a nice pad."

"Yeah," she replied.

Rick placed the pizza on the counter and they each pulled out a slice, holding them over four plates she hadn't noticed them taking down. The boys chatted among themselves and Kate was content to just listen, or tune them out. She felt secure, and safe, protected, comfortable, normal. _Normal_—she hadn't felt normal in years. She'd honestly expected to still have some sort of panic set in about all of it. This was the first time she'd ever lived with a guy, and this one came with a built in family.

She and Will had exchanged keys, but never officially moved in together. And most of the other men had really only seen her bedroom and been gone before the sun rose. But here she was, sitting at the kitchen island in the apartment she was living in with _Richard Castle_. She'd put his books up on a shelf. She'd use his desk from time to time, or they'd get her one, and then she'd do paperwork while he wrote. She lived with her favorite author. She shook her head. God, her life was wild.

"What?" Rick asked, Esposito and Ryan thoroughly settled in a debate over the Mets.

"Nothing," she replied, lifting her eyes to meet his. "Just thinking."

"About the book launch on Friday and the sexy little dress you're gonna wear?" he grinned, waggling his eyebrows.

"Oh, yeah, about that," she teased, giving a sigh. "I can't…" His shoved her piece of pizza into her mouth, laughing as she protested and took a bite. She glared at him as she set it down. Of all the nerve.

"You're mean," he said as he took a swig of a beer she also hadn't noticed he'd taken out.

"Mean? You just shoved pizza down my throat."

"Yeah, Castle, what the hell?"

"Dude, not cool."

Kate had to stifle a laugh at Rick's affronted look. "You can't gang up on me in my house," he exclaimed.

"Our house, Rick," Kate corrected. "And therefore, yes they can."

The boys high-fived and Rick pouted. Ryan and Esposito fell back into their discussion while Kate finished her pizza. When she was done, she glanced at Rick and found him smiling softly.

"You were thinking about this," he murmured, gesturing out to the room.

"May have been," she admitted. "So were you."

"They're right; we're sickeningly cute," Rick sighed dramatically.

Kate looked over at the boys, who were each finishing a beer and checking their watches. "Thank you for helping, guys," she said.

They met her eyes. "No problem," Esposito replied.

"Our pleasure," added Ryan.

"We should go though. I've got a date, and Irish over here has…what do you do, man, knit?"

"I have a date too, thank you very much," Ryan replied indignantly. "And don't call me Irish."

They made their way to the foyer and Kate and Rick watched in amusement as they bickered, putting their jackets on and donning hats against the aggressive March wind.

"Thanks for the pizza," Ryan added as Espo opened the door. "Catch you tomorrow, Beckett."

"Night guys. Thanks," Rick replied while Kate waved them off.

They left, closing the door behind them with a finality that banged through Kate. She was officially moved in. "So," she said quietly, hopping down from the stool and beginning to gather plates.

"So," Rick repeated, watching as she put the dishes in the sink and ran water over them, turning then to lean against the counter and look back at him. He stacked the pizza boxes and then set them on the far edge of the counter, to bring out to the trash chute later that night. Then he settled in across from her, his back against the island. "Welcome home."

"Nice to be here," she smiled, running her hands along the edge of the counter behind her. "When does Alexis get home?"

"Seven," he replied, taking a step toward her. "Which gives us a good two hours before she gets here."

"Just enough time to unpack my books." She watched as his lips tightened and he took another step, so that he trapped her against the counter. She looked up into his eyes and watched as his flicked from her eyes to her mouth.

"Or, I could unwrap you," he growled, leaning down suddenly to claim her lips.

She fisted her hands into the fabric of his brown sweater to keep herself from losing her balance while he towered over her. His mouth moved against hers, hot and demanding. She responded with vigor, because how could she not? She was just as affected by him as he was by her—a fact she rarely shared with him outside of the confines of the—_their_—bedroom.

He took a step back, guiding her with him and wrapping his arms around her waist. She wound hers up and around his neck, pulling him down to her while his fingers teased her through her shirt, nimble digits trailing fire across her back. Together they stumbled through the apartment, knocking into bookshelves and nearly cascading to the ground when Rick hit one of the towers of boxes. But eventually, they made it to the bedroom, relieved of Kate's shirt, Rick's shirt and Kate's bra, which, she was pretty sure, had been flung across the office.

They fell into _their_ bed together and Kate grinned up at him as they slid toward the head of the bed, each keeping pace with the other, movement for movement, kiss, sigh, groan for groan.

"Care to christen the bed?" Rick mumbled into her neck as he skated his lips across her skin.

"We…we slept in it last night," Kate managed, running her fingers through his hair.

"But you weren't officially living here last night," he volleyed, switching sides and climbing to lave her ear. "And this is an occasion to be _celebrated_."

One of his hands trailed down to her chest and Kate lost the ability to quip back. Instead, she wrapped her legs around his hips and brought his mouth back to hers, pouring her happiness and love and desire into the kiss. She'd never tell him, but she was just as excited as he was to 'christen' their bed. It didn't matter that they'd christened it just that morning too. This was different. This was home.

(…)

Two hours later, Kate stepped out of the shower and piled her hair on top of her head, sliding her arms into one of Rick's dress shirts as she left the bathroom. She shimmied into a pair of loose brown sweats and then wandered out into the living room, thoroughly relaxed. Rick had left the shower to make Alexis some dinner, parting with a few, distractingly deep kisses that had almost culminated in round three. But they'd refrained, purely on the knowledge that they had the later night as well.

Kate found him in the kitchen, finishing up a plate of sautéed potatoes, carrots and chicken fingers. She picked an extra potato piece out of the pan and blew on it before popping it into her mouth. He was ridiculously good at making food, even kid-friendly food.

"Good?" he asked, setting the plate on the island.

"Very," she replied as he leaned and gave her a kiss. There was a knock on the door and they broke apart. Kate smiled and pushed him toward the door. "I've got the pans."

He shot her a grin and Kate shook her head as she turned on the water and shoved the hot pan underneath it, hearing the satisfying hiss of steam. She reached for the sponge and set to work scrubbing the grit off of the cast-iron and listened to Alexis chatting to Rick as he led her back into the kitchen.

"Hi, Kate!" she chirped.

"Hey, Lex," Kate replied, tossing her a smile over her shoulder as she finished the pan. She shut the water off and shoved the pan onto the drying rack.

"Kate?" Alexis asked a minute later, causing Kate to pause as she removed dishes from the dishwasher and handed them to Rick.

"Yes, Sweetie?"

"Do you live here officially now?"

Kate grinned. "I do."

"Awesome," Alexis exclaimed. "But, you know, you should have moved in a long time ago, really. I mean, you were always here anyway!"

Rick shot a look at Kate that clearly read, 'I agree.' Kate just shook her head. "That may be so, Alexis," she replied, taking great satisfaction in the way Rick's jaw dropped. "But your Dad just didn't pluck up the courage to ask me."

Rick spluttered while Alexis giggled. "I don't think I believe you," she offered. "But I don't know who to believe. You guys are good at lying around each other."

They both laughed and Rick stepped up to wrap an arm around Kate, pulling her into his side. "But not about real things, Pumpkin."

Alexis rolled her eyes and Rick bumped Kate's hip. It was a habit he was _not_ fond of, though she knew that he secretly loved it. "Well duh," the little girl sighed. "I know that. Honestly, you guys are so silly."

(…)

"I'm so sorry! I really am! But you'll never…Rick?" Kate closed the door and shrugged hurriedly out of her jacket, slipping off her shoes as she went. "Rick, Alexis?"

She jogged through the apartment, skidding across the wooden floor as she scrambled through the office, knowing that she was very nearly running catastrophically late. "Rick?" she called into the bedroom while she hurriedly shoved her gun and shiny badge into the safe. There was no answer.

She began stripping as she went into the bedroom, throwing her uniform haphazardly onto the bed, pulling her pants off with abandon. She moved into the bathroom and reached for her concealer, only to stare straight into a large post-it note stuck to the lighted mirror.

_Kate,_

_ I'm bringing Lex, don't worry. She was sad she didn't get to see you, but she'll be at the party. She looks adorable. You'll love it._

_ Hope whatever's keeping you is good._

_ Be ready for cameras—infinitely sorry._

_ X_

_Rick_

She smiled and took the note down, pausing for a second to smooth it against the counter, before turning back to her task. She expertly applied her make up, light enough to look classy, but heavy enough to cover the long day spent chasing criminals. When she was satisfied with her work, she took her hair down and quickly threw it up into a clipped braid that gave her an effortless look. She stared at her reflection for a moment. She was really going to Richard Castle's book launch party, as Richard Castle's live-in girlfriend.

But there wasn't time to dwell on that, for better or for worse. Kate hustled back into the bedroom and slipped into her long, pale blue dress with the orange underskirt and vee along the plunging back. It hugged her curves perfectly, while still leaving enough to the imagination to be presentable. And it left a plethora of skin for Rick to tease throughout the evening—an activity she knew he greatly enjoyed. He'd forgive her for not wearing something sinfully short. Besides, it was more fun to slip her out of something long and smooth.

She stood in front of the full body mirror on the inside door of the walk-in and considered herself as she slipped into the five-inch white strappy pumps. She spun once. She didn't look anything like Kate Beckett, Detective. She grinned. She was a Detective. She'd made Detective.

A sound thoroughly unbefitting of a woman in her station escaped, and Kate couldn't help it; she jumped up and down and squealed for thirty seconds. Then she looked at herself again. She was a _Detective_, and someone's girlfriend—the love of his life. And she was mo…a parent to the world's most amazing little girl. She grinned. Life was good. She glanced at the clock. Life was good and she was late.

Kate grabbed her cellphone, lipstick and wallet, shoved them into the white clutch she'd picked up and then hurried out of the apartment, locking the door behind her. She tapped her foot impatiently throughout the elevator ride, and was extremely pleased to see Ernie already waiting at the curb when she stepped out. Eduardo must have called for him. Those men. Her men. Oh, God, she was starting to sound pathetic.

She gave Eduardo a smile and thanked Ernie as he held the door open for her. A minute later, they were speeding off toward the Midtown Loft. Ernie was focused on the heavy Friday-night traffic, so Kate reclined in her seat, watching the city flash past.

She'd made Detective.

Montgomery had called her into his office that afternoon, closed the door, shaken her hand, and told her with the biggest smile she'd ever seen, that she'd been promoted to Detective. She'd smiled and thanked him, watching as she exchanged her badge for her new, Detective's badge, number 41319. She'd walked out that night with the badge clipped heavily to her belt, wearing her Uniform for the last time. She'd been congratulated by the other Detectives and _hugged_ by Traikers as the older woman boxed up her belongings.

Esposito, Ryan and Karpowski had all given her high-fives, proclaiming that they'd be going out for drinks the following night. Kate was more than happy to do so, since Montgomery had also given her the weekend off, not that she needed it. She was itching to get to her first scene and start detecting. She wouldn't be heading investigations just yet, but she'd be finding evidence and solving cases along with Jacobs, Grayson and Hall. Jacobs had actually shaken her hand. She didn't have high hopes for their relationship, but his smile had seemed almost genuine, and she was willing to think that they'd get along.

On Monday, she'd be investigating a murder, in plain clothes—gathering suspects and evidence, questioning motive, using the whiteboard. She felt giddy, in that way that only she and a handful of her colleagues ever were. Murder shouldn't excite someone. She snorted. She was lucky to have found Rick, the one man more excited than she was by the prospect of poking around a dead body.

She smiled and toyed with the large ring she'd forgotten was in her purse. She slipped the white trinket onto her finger and twisted it around. She was beyond excited, but this was Rick's night, and she wasn't going to steal his thunder. She could wait to tell him when they got home. Because she was living at the loft. She was a Detective, and she was living with Rick and Alexis.

The car stopped. Kate glanced to her right and sucked in a breath. This was why she had wanted to arrive with Rick; she was staring at a red carpet. Other authors did _not_ get this kind of treatment. Couldn't he have been one of those?

Ernie was at her door long before she felt ready, but then there was no turning back. She plastered on a fake smile and took his hand, allowing him to help her out of the car. But then she was on her own. The carpet looked a mile long, even though, realistically, she knew it was merely thirty feet or so. She began walking, turning her head and angling her body the way Martha had suggested the last time they'd had dinner together.

She was a Detective. She was a Detective. She could deal with a few cameras. The idea that she'd finally attained her dream of four years turned her smile from fake to very real, and she absently noticed the flashbulbs increasing. She didn't care, and before she knew it, she'd reached the end of the line and was being ushered inside the building.

"Name, please," the maître D' said as she approached the round counter in the lobby of the building. The whole space was marble, floor to ceiling, with gold trip and warm lighting from dozens of inset and hanging crystal lamps.

"Katherine Beckett," she replied, meeting the young man's eyes. He looked about Rick's age, with well styled, chestnut hair and hazel eyes.

He smiled at her. "Of course, Miss Beckett. Mr. Castle is eager for you to arrive. If you'll go to the top floor, the elevator will open onto the loft."

"Thank you." Kate returned his smile and walked the few steps to the elevator he'd already called for her.

She walked inside and watched as the golden doors closed the lobby from her view. She allowed herself the moment to lean back against the far wall of the mahogany elevator, watching as she rose up over twenty stories. She'd made it through New Years relatively unscathed, and she'd make it through tonight just fine. She hardly felt as nervous as she had for his Birthday party a year earlier, and her mentality was still better than it had been at New Years. She was still unsettled by the entire idea of having walked a red carpet. It wasn't her. But it was Rick, and she needed to meet him halfway.

She got the easier end of the deal, honestly. For her, it was some pictures, a loss of certain privacies, and some ribbing at work. For him, it was the potential that one night, she just wouldn't come home. No matter how much this bothered her, hers was the easier load to bear.

Far too soon, the elevator doors opened and Kate stepped out into a giant loft with wrap around windows. Every five or six feet, there were red couches arranged around coffee tables, scattered about the room. The wooden floor clacked under her heels as she took a few tentative steps along the periphery of the enormous space. She spotted the bar along the far wall of windows, partially obscured by the bizarre red curtains that hung down from the ceiling to hit the floor at random intervals all over the room. She supposed they were meant to give a sense of privacy. To Kate, they were a perfect distraction for a killer.

She wasn't here to be a Detective. She was a Detective. No, no. It was Rick's night. She stood at the side of the room, looking around for a familiar face, or his face. She recognized Patterson in the far left, talking to another woman who looked vaguely familiar; maybe she was an author as well. Gina was entertaining by the bar, and Paula was a few feet away, hobnobbing with a very well dressed couple. But Rick was nowhere in sight. Neither was Alexis, who was there partially because they couldn't find a babysitter, and partially because she was always a hit with Rick's friends. Paula had grudgingly accepted their 'happy family,' vibe. They still weren't taking pictures of Alexis, but there were a few headlines about, _Rick Castle, Settling Down for Good?_ And, _Rick Castle, Family Man?_

Kate took a few steps toward the bar, figuring that she should at least hold a drink for the evening; she had the right to some champagne after all. As she crossed the room, he finally swam into view, dressed in a black suit that he'd left open. His white button-down was unbuttoned by three buttons, and he was tie-less. He looked fabulous, and she found that she'd stopped walking to stare at him. She really was a bit pathetic, hopelessly smitten, and feeling her age for the first time in a while. Excitement did that to her, she supposed. She was simply too happy to be mature and stoic tonight.

Rick glanced her way and his eyes instantly found her, his face twisting into an enormous grin. He excused himself from the man he'd been speaking to, and strode across the room to meet her. He stepped up to her and grinned, subtly looking her over.

"You look amazing," he said quietly.

Kate smiled, feeling her own eyes crinkle as she reached out and smoothed down his lapel. "So do you, Writer Man. Looks like a good party."

"Has been," he laughed. "It's better now," he added, meeting her eyes.

Kate just kept smiling, because she honestly couldn't stop. "That's sweet."

He considered her, catching her hand as it fell from his jacket. "You look happy," he observed.

Kate simply nodded. "My boyfriend's book is about to be a huge success."

He smiled and brought her hand to his lips, kissing it gently. "Yes, that's true, I hope. But you look really happy."

Kate bit her lip. Well damn, he knew her too well now. "I am." She forced herself to think of everything but her own news, like somehow avoiding it in her head would keep him from figuring it out.

To her chagrin, his eyes widened a moment later, and his own smile grew. "Really?"

"Rick…"

"Did you make it?"

She took a step forward and placed her other hand on his chest so that they were eye to eye. "It's your night," she whispered, leaning in to give him a _very_ chaste kiss. She didn't really want this moment immortalized in a tabloid, but he was being so very him.

When she stepped back, his smile morphed into one of the largest grins she'd ever seen. "To hell with that. My girl made Detective!" he yelled, pulling her into his chest and lifting her off the ground as he spun in a circle. "Pop some champagne!"

"Rick," she protested as he set her down, her cheeks pink. Were people clapping? She could be mad. A few months ago she would have been. But his smile was infectious, and to hell with it; she was ecstatic.

"You did it! You made it! I'm so proud of you!" he whispered against her ear before pressing his lips to her cheek while they stood there together, embracing for the whole room to see.

"Thank you," she whispered back. She stepped away and smiled at him as the sound of applause finally really registered. His guests were clapping for her.

"You did it!" a new voice was shouting, muffled by the noise of the crowd. Kate looked down and found Alexis beaming up at her. "You made Detective!"

Kate opened her arms and Alexis ran into her side, hugging her waist as Martha approached them behind her.

"Congratulations, Darling," Martha offered, squeezing her hand while Alexis remained attached to her. "Alexis, dear, let your Kate go so that she can have a drink."

Alexis blushed and stepped back, still grinning. "I'm so excited for you!"

"Thank you, Alexis," Kate told her, running a hand through the girl's long, straight hair.

Rick handed her a flute of champagne that had seemingly appeared from nowhere and they toasted. There was a cheer. Hell, was the whole room still watching? Kate glanced around after taking a sip and found most of the guests staring at their little family. When they noticed her noticing them, they turned away, whispering to each other. Good lord. It would be all over the paper by tomorrow.

As that thought settled, someone tapped her on the shoulder and Kate turned, finding Gina waiting to engulf her in a fierce hug.

"Congratulations, Kate," she said as they pulled apart. "That's so exciting!"

"Isn't it?" Rick agreed. "Did you get a new badge?"

He looked so excited. Kate laughed a bit and nodded. "All shiny and gold, too."

"You did put it in the safe, right?" he asked quietly.

Kate simply rolled her eyes. "No, I left it out, along with my gun, loaded and cocked so Alexis could accidentally shoot hers—yes I put them in the safe."

He laughed. "Sorry, sorry."

"You don't give each other much leeway, do you?" Gina asked, amused, as a man stepped up beside her.

"You don't give me any leeway," he said, extending a hand toward Kate. "Ryan Gosmer."

"Kate Beckett," Kate replied, smiling at him and then at Gina. "I've heard a lot about you, Ryan."

The tall, handsome blond grinned. "Likewise. And you must be Alexis," he added, looking down at the little girl who was still cuddled into Kate's side, her pretty blue dress rustling as she shift. She did look adorable.

"Yes," Alexis replied a bit shyly. "Are you Gina's real boyfriend?"

Ryan blinked and then nodded. "Yes?"

"Because Rick and I were 'dating' while he and Kate were actually dating," Gina explained.

"Oh, right," Ryan chuckled. "Yes, Alexis, I am Gina's real boyfriend. Are you having fun at the party?"

Alexis nodded. "It's pretty. The curtains are weird."

"They do give off a certain vibe, don't they?" Gina agreed. "But we thought red was apropos."

Kate simply smiled. Yes, she was lucky to have found a man like Rick, whose parties were murder themed and whose idea of exciting was having 'his girl' make Detective. Kate knew he was excited for her, honestly and truly, but the amused part of her wondered how much of his excitement was for the juicy stuff she was bound to bring home. He did so love stealing bits of her work for his books.

"So you just made Detective," Ryan said, turning back to Kate. "That's very impressive."

"Thank you," Kate replied, noticing Rick nodding emphatically out of the corner of her eye.

"You're awfully young, aren't you?" he asked.

Kate laughed. "Only by about six months, really. But I've been working in Homicide for over eighteen months, so it's still standard procedure."

"Are you excited?" Gina asked, watching as Alexis broke away from Kate to twirl under her father's arm.

Kate watched the pair for a moment before turning to meet Gina's eyes. "Extremely."

"About making Detective, or about your family and your new house?" Gina added, her gaze knowing.

Kate blushed and glanced back at Rick, who looked up and met her gaze. "Both," she said quietly. "In very different ways."

"You guys make an amazing looking family, you know," the older woman continued. "Rick showed me some pictures of you guys unpacking earlier, and the one of you using the boxes to create a huge gun tag course?"

"Laser tag," Kate supplied with a small laugh.

"Yes, that. You made a very impressive little terrain in the loft. I honestly haven't seen him this happy before."

Kate felt a blush creeping up her neck, though she wasn't sure why. She knew Rick was happy. She was the happiest she'd ever been, could ever remember being, and she knew that he felt the same. He took every opportunity to tell her so, not to mention to show her. God, they'd been going at it like rabbits.

"You're a lovely shade of red, Detective," Rick offered as he approached them. Alexis and Martha had taken a seat on a nearby couch and were whispering together. "Were you thinking of me?" he asked, wrapping an arm around her waist as they turned to face Gina and Ryan, who mirrored their position.

"What, just because it's your book launch, I should be thinking about you?" Kate replied, willing her cheeks to cool off. He didn't need to know that she was most definitely thinking about where his mouth had been the previous evening, and how…no, not here. Definitely not here.

Gina and Ryan laughed while Rick bumped her hip. "Play nice," he admonished.

"Or what?" Kate challenged, happily falling into their _them_. She wasn't unaware of the room, and now, without Alexis and the yelling and clapping, she was hyper sensitive to the fact that she was one of the focal points for the entire party.

"Or you'll have to arrest me and take me in for interrogation," he growled, just loud enough for the four of them to hear.

"I might just for that terrible pick-up line," Kate said in mild disgust. "You're lucky you already have me, Rick. Your game sucks."

"Oh, Mister Castle," Gina laughed. "You've met your match at last."

"Are they always like this?" Ryan asked.

Gina shrugged. "I guess so."

Kate looked over and met Ryan's eyes. "Someone has to keep him in line."

Rick tugged her closer. "And would that be you, Detective?" he murmured, his breath hot against her ear.

No, no, he couldn't have that one. He couldn't get to make 'Detective' into something he could use against her. That was just so unfair!

"Detective?" he prompted.

Damn. "That would be me," Kate replied after a moment. His lips met her ear and she couldn't help but smile. Damn. He really shouldn't be so charming.

Gina glanced toward the bar and then sighed. "I'm being summoned. Congratulations again, Kate," she said, squeezing Kate's hand.

"Good to meet you," Ryan added.

Kate watched them make their way to the other side of the room, where Paula was waiting against the bar. She caught Kate's eye and raised her glace with a small smile. Kate nodded and returned the gesture with her own glass.

"I really am so proud of you," Rick murmured as Kate turned to face him. "You must be so happy."

"I am," Kate admitted, reaching up to run her fingers through his hair. "It's been a very good week."

He nodded emphatically. "A very good week. You moved in, I'm supposed to be a hit, you made Detective—we're doing pretty well, this family." Kate felt herself grinning foolishly. "And you're giddy," he added with delight. "I've never seen you giddy."

"Don't ruin it," she whispered just as music began to hum through the room. "Is it dancing hour or something?"

"We like to have fun at these things," Rick shrugged, taking their glasses and placing them on a nearby table. He swept her into his arms and pulled her to his chest, swaying to the soft Jazz that filled the room. "We're going a bit mellower this time."

Kate considered him. "Because of us?" she asked, glancing around. It was still a hugely lively and well-populated party, but it wasn't nearly as raucous as his Birthday had been.

Rick shook his head. "Nah. It's just the time of year. When my book comes out near Christmas next year, it'll be a big bash. But Spring…it just felt like a subtler affair, this time."

Kate nodded and then smiled as he pressed his lips to her cheek. "It's lovely, Rick."

"I'm glad."

"And your book is going to do wonderfully," she added, running her fingers through the hairs at the nape of his neck.

"Thank you," he replied. "Are you working tomorrow?"

"I have the weekend off, in celebration of my new title," she told him. She didn't sound as excited as she should be.

"Wonderful!" he grinned against her cheek. "Though I bet it's killing you."

"Eh," Kate sighed, squeezing his hand. "Gives us more time to _celebrate_."

He pulled back and she met his twinkling eyes. "Are you going to punish me, Detective? Handcuff me to the bed? _Interrogate_ me?" he asked, his voice low and raspy.

"I've had handcuffs for forever, and you only want them now?"

He grinned. "Patience is a virtue."

Kate rolled her eyes but smiled at him all the same. "I'm not in the habit of using my handcuffs on my men, Mister Castle. But I suppose I could still _draw_ some confessions out of you," she tossed back, dragging the words out slowly, her voice husky.

They stared at each other for a long moment, simply swaying together as the party went on around them. "Well, Detective, I suppose I can settle for that."

She smiled. "You won't want to appeal?"

"Oh, I plan to appeal to your carnal senses tonight, Detective Beckett," he replied, tugging her tightly against him. "But for now, I think you'd have to arrest us if this goes much further."

Kate laughed and he spun her out and back, their tension broken. "Well, we'll discuss your legal rights when we get home."

He beamed. "Taking my Detective home with me. I'm a lucky, lucky writer, and a luckier man."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, this was a fluffy chapter. I feel like some of you were expecting dire drama. I didn't mean to insinuate that anything drastic was coming in my last note. There will be more conflict, because life is messy. They had a good week this chapter. Some weeks will be better than others, you know? As is life.<strong>

**On another note, thank you so much for all of your reviews, messages, Tumblr posts, and tweets. You guys have made my week. There are some amazingly blush inducing, extremely flattering things floating around out there, and I thank you. I'm honored that so many of you are enjoying this story.**

**Emma**


	27. Chapter 27

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Not a Castle writer. Just a college student up way too late for my own good.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 27:<strong>

"Daddy, let me carry it!"

"Are you sure?"

"You're the one that dropped the pancakes the first time," Kate heard Alexis protest, sounding eerily like the adult in that conversation.

Kate was pleased to realize that she'd slipped into one of Rick's button downs at some point in the night, so when the door to the bedroom burst open, she was able to sit up and watch as Alexis and Rick maneuvered a huge bed tray through the doorway. Alexis was dressed in jeans and a little purple sweater, while Rick was still in his pajamas, covered by the blue robe that Kate was fond of stealing. They beamed at her and Kate smiled back, reaching up to rub at her eye and blink away the last remnants of sleep.

"Good morning, Detective," Rick greeted as he took the tray from Alexis and placed it over Kate's lap. "Your breakfast is served."

"Thank you," Kate said happily. They'd made her breakfast in bed. She couldn't remember the last time she'd had breakfast in bed. It might have even been with her mother during college on a weekend home. "And good morning to you guys too. Did you help make breakfast, Alexis?" she asked, watching as the girl climbed onto the bed, over her legs and up to the pillows to settle in beside her.

"Yep," Alexis replied, reaching for a piece of bacon on the middle plate on the tray. It was set for three, carrying three full plates of an enormous breakfast, complete with coffee and juice for Alexis.

It was no wonder that it had actually taken the two of them to carry it into the bedroom together. "This is wonderful, you guys. But I could have eaten in the kitchen."

"Nonsense," Rick replied, slipping into bed beside Alexis. "You're a Detective today. Detective's don't eat at the kitchen island."

Kate glanced over at him. "So I get this service when I have to wake up at 3am for a call?"

His eyes widened and he coughed while Alexis giggled. "I'll amend that," he said quickly. "On call-free weekends, Detectives don't eat at the kitchen island."

"Are you excited, Kate?" Alexis asked while Kate laughed at Rick.

She looked down at the little girl cuddled into her side and nodded. She was excited. She was extremely excited. "I am," she replied. "I've been waiting to get promoted for a while. It should be really interesting."

"Can I come with you to work someday?" she asked, reaching over to steal her father's bacon. He wasn't quick enough to save it and pouted, but then met Kate's eyes.

They hadn't discussed Alexis coming to the Precinct, an event that Kate knew was bound to happen sometime, for one reason or another, even if it was just to meet her to go out to dinner. Kate raised an eyebrow and Rick gave her a small nod. Oh, God, they were doing silent parenting now?

"Someday, yes, Alexis," Kate told the little girl. "But it'll need to be when I'm not working a case, or after we've closed one."

"Which you'll do all the time, because you're awesome, right?" she asked, grinning up at Kate.

Kate laughed. Oh, she'd need to tap into that confidence the first time they got a dead-end case with her on the team. "I certainly hope so, Alexis."

"She will," Rick confirmed, reaching across to steal Kate's bacon while she cut up her pancakes. She whacked his hand with her fork and he recoiled, frowning at her.

"No need to use force, Kate," he grumbled.

"Don't try to steal my food. I could arrest you," she returned, knowing that it was his aim anyway. He _loved_ playing cops and robbers with her.

"Please?"

"Daddy," Alexis sighed. "You don't want to get arrested. Then you have to spend the whole night in lockup and pay a fine and I don't have enough in my piggy bank to make your bail."

They stared at her. "What?" Rick managed, his fork halfway to his mouth. "I'm sorry, what?"

Alexis looked up at him. "When you get arrested, they put you in the cell in the basement, and you get one phone call. Then, if that person can pay your bail, you get to leave and come back for a trial, or you pay the fine if it's not a big crime. Right?" she added, turning to look at Kate, who was staring at the little girl with an expression identical to Rick's. "What?"

"That's just…I didn't tell you that, did I? I don't remember telling you."

"I read it in a book at the library," Alexis shrugged. "I wanted to know what happened to little criminals where you work, not the really bad ones. Like Daddy stealing your bacon—it's not as bad as Daddy shooting someone or robbing a bank."

Kate nodded slowly. "Right. Very good, Alexis."

"Maybe she should be the Detective and you should go to third grade," Rick suggested, meeting Kate's eyes as Alexis turned back to her breakfast.

"I've always wanted a better grasp of continental geography," Kate shrugged. She knew Alexis was smart and interested in just about everything. She'd just never expected the girl to go get the answers from a book. And if she could find those answers, what could she find out about Kate's job? Could she find information on death and murder? She didn't want Alexis to see pictures like that.

"So what are we doing today?" Alexis asked a few minutes later, while Kate shoveled food mechanically into her mouth, though it was delicious.

"That's up to you," she replied, happy to have a distraction. She could talk to Rick about Alexis' access to information later. "You're going to Paige's for a sleep-over tonight, right?"

Alexis nodded. "We're gonna watch Matilda."

"One of your favorites," Kate smiled, wrapping an arm around the girl. "What do you want to do before that?"

"What do you want to do? You're the Detective," the girl replied, looking up at Kate.

Kate was touched that Alexis was willing to let her decide the itinerary just because she'd gotten a promotion. But if Kate were really in charge, she'd spend the whole day shopping for a new outfit and relaxing in a bath. Neither option was very kid friendly, and she'd have tomorrow to do that. She'd have to call Madison and see if she wanted to go along, and Lanie too. Maybe they'd make it a girl's day.

"I don't have any good ideas," Kate replied. "Isn't there anything you've been dying to do?"

Alexis bit her lip and Kate shared a small smile with Rick. Sometimes it took far too much prodding to get Alexis to admit to wanting something. She'd been getting better, but Kate knew it stemmed from Meredith, who rarely listened to Alexis' preferences when they went out together, not that she was around. Meredith had called all of twice since she'd stormed out after the 'runaway incident.' Alexis never mentioned it, but Kate could tell that she was sad and hurt by everything.

"Can we go to the Museum? We haven't been in ages," she asked quietly.

Kate squeezed her against her side. "Sounds like a perfect plan to me."

"Thanks, Kate," Alexis said quietly.

"No thanks necessary, Munchkin," she replied, taking a last bite of her pancakes—her sinfully good pancakes. "But, you'll need to let us get ready, unless you want your Daddy out in public in his pajamas."

"Yes, because your sleep attire is more appropriate," Rick shot back, eyeing her. "Tabloid heaven."

"Guys," Alexis sighed good-naturedly. "Get dressed and let's go. It's late and I have to be at Paige's in five hours."

"What?" Kate gaped, glancing over at the clock. "You let me sleep until 11:30?"

Rick grinned. "You needed it. You were totally dead when the alarm went off at nine."

Alexis smiled, kissed both of their shoulders, and then scooted beneath the tray and out of the room, closing the door behind her. Rick shifted the tray and then got out of bed, stacking the plates before hefting the tray onto the floor by the window. He stood and met Kate's eyes, crawling back across the bed to rest by her head, supporting his body with his arms.

"Morning, Detective," he grinned, leaning in for a kiss. "How're you feeling this morning?"

"Good," she replied, kissing him again and running her hands through his hair as she held his lips against hers. "And you, Mr. Novelist?"

"I'm good too," he murmured. "But Lex is right, we've gotta shower and get ready to go. You look beautiful this morning, by the way," he added, resting his forehead against hers.

"Thanks, handsome," she whispered, pressing their lips together one more time before she released him and watched as he clambered over her to stand at her side of the bed, hands extended for her. "Are we conserving water?"

He grinned. "It would be wrong if we didn't. I'm big into activism, you realize."

"One of those interests you've hidden from me for a year and a half?" she smirked, taking his hands and climbing out of bed. She led him into the bathroom, aware that he was focused on the way his shirt hit the back of her thighs and the swing of her hips she'd exaggerated just for him.

She flicked the shower on and then went to the sink to brush her teeth, watching his reflection strip down and wink at her before stepping under the spray and closing the frosted glass door. She shook her head and spat. God, they were domestic and sickening and she was so very happy. She glanced at her reflection once and then turned away, unbuttoning his shirt with nimble fingers, watching as he watched her hazy figure through the door to the shower.

She hung the shirt up and opened the door, stepping into his waiting arms as he yanked her under the spray, the door closing behind her. He caught her up in a kiss as water cascaded down around and between them.

"A year and a half?" he asked as they broke apart and she reached for her shampoo, rubbing it into her hair with practice as he watched the soap run down her body—one of his favorite parts about shower time.

"Mhmm," she hummed, rinsing her long hair. "Do you think I should cut my hair?"

He cocked his head and considered her. "For the job, or because you want to?"

Interesting, she hadn't seen it that way. "Not sure, I guess," she replied, grabbing her conditioner while he quickly soaped his own body, having already done his hair. "Which do you think you'd like?"

He smiled softly. "Leave enough for me to play with, and I'll be happy."

"You're sweet," she laughed, smoothing a comb through her hair. "But honestly, would you like me with short hair?"

He rolled his eyes. "That sweet comment was honest, you know."

"You must have some preference," she returned, grabbing her razor. It had taken her some time when they'd started sleeping together to get used to shaving in front of him. But he was fascinated by it. He was bizarrely fascinated by everything, and she was reminded of just why she loved going to the museum with the Castles.

"I've never seen you with short hair," he replied as she ran the blade up her leg in measured strokes. "But I can't imagine you not pulling off a hairstyle."

"I look a bit more serious, I think," Kate said as she switched legs.

"You do that so fast without cutting yourself," he observed.

"Practice."

"It takes me about ten minutes to do my face, sometimes more," he continued.

Kate supposed it fit. She liked to watch him shave too. There were many things about living with him that had surprised her. She hadn't expected to enjoy the domesticity so much. But she did. She loved it. It felt so normal and real, in place of her single existence—popping to her apartment to sleep, eating pop tarts for breakfast, cleaning only when it was strictly necessary. She enjoyed having a family all the time, not just when she stayed over.

"Earth to Kate?"

She glanced up at him as she finished her left leg. "Sorry," she mumbled, doing her armpits quickly before washing down.

"Lost in thoughts of my manly physique?"

Kate laughed and turned to face him again. "Why have thoughts when I have reality right here?" she asked in a low voice, watching as his lips parted and his eyes darkened. Oh, the power—she loved having this power over him. He had the same over her, and used it, so payback was only fair.

He took a step toward her but she held out a hand. "Little Castle wants to go to the Museum. Playtime will have to wait."

He groaned and watched as she slipped out of the shower, leaving him to turn it off. She grinned to herself as she dried off and wrapped her towel around her chest. She ran another through her hair and then combed it, watching Rick emerge from the shower as she reached for her hair dryer. She'd never ask, but she had a feeling that the temperature of the shower had taken a purposeful plunge, if the bright pink of his stomach was any indication.

He scowled at her while she blew her hair dry, and left her alone, grumbling in the other room. Kate just smiled. He wasn't angry. He knew she'd make it up to him after drinks with the boys and Lanie that night. She knew Rick was excited about that, since he and the guys were so 'tight,' as they said. Both Kate and Lanie thought they were adorable, and kind of disgusting, as a threesome. They acted just like little boys, squabbling and jibing at each other, but they had fun.

Kate finished her hair and left the bathroom, listening to Rick and Alexis talking excitedly in the living room—talking loudly and excitedly. She quickly threw on a nice pair of tight jeans and a red sweater, adding a pair of black boots she knew he'd appreciate. She slipped her necklace on and then applied a touch of light makeup. She didn't need to be dolled up for this, but she wanted to look nice.

Smiling, she made her way into the living room and found father and daughter squared off, standing on opposite ends of the couch, glaring at each other. "What am I interrupting?" she asked as she walked across the room to get her pea coat.

"Daddy says that Pterodactyls didn't have feathers, because they didn't have them in Jurassic Park. But they _did_ have feathers. We learned all about it in school," Alexis explained. "And he's refusing to believe me."

Kate, personally, knew that Alexis was right, and had a feeling that Rick did too. But she wasn't about to be the tiebreaker. "Well, I guess we'll just have to see at the Museum," she arbitrated.

Both Castles nodded and relaxed. "I'm gonna win," Rick said confidently as he led them out of the apartment, Kate locking the door behind them. "And then you have to let me have two scoops of ice cream," he added to Kate.

"I'm not going to let you have two scoops of ice cream," she replied automatically, smiling as Alexis giggled. "You'll get too hyper."

"Then I won't get you coffee," he argued as they stepped into the elevator.

"Kate can get her own coffee," Alexis interjected. "She's independent like that."

Kate grinned. "Hah. Two against one. You don't get two scoops of ice cream, regardless of your competition."

"I don't like that you can gang up on me all the time," he pouted.

"Maybe I should move out then," Kate replied nonchalantly. Alexis gripped her hand tightly and Kate looked down at her. She was met with wide eyes, even as Alexis smiled. "I'm kidding," Kate assured her. "We'd kick your Dad out anyway."

Alexis grinned and Kate watched as comfort settled back over the little girl. She'd have to be more careful about glib statements like that. "Oh, well that's okay then," Alexis giggled.

Rick sighed. "So unfair."

"Come on, Big Rick," Kate laughed. "Let's go explore the museum. And if you're very good, I'll let you get a frappachino."

His pout dissolved and he wrapped an arm around her shoulders as they walked out of the lobby, happy to see that there wasn't a cloud of paparazzi waiting for them this time. "Deal," he told her while they slipped into the town car.

"I'm so gonna win," Alexis asserted as they took off from the curb.

"No way," Rick said dramatically.

"And Kate's the judge, right?"

Kate nodded to the little girl. "Can't let you guys try to duke this out alone."

"Good," Alexis beamed. "We need you."

(…)

They stepped into Jeremy's Ale Bar at eight that night, Rick's arm wrapped around Kate's shoulder against the chill from the still-brisk March weather. Kate looked around and spotted Lanie and the boys seated in a booth against the far wall. She steered Rick toward them and felt him squeeze her shoulder.

"You okay?" she asked, looking over at him. In her boots, they were nearly the same height.

He nodded. "Fine. Just…Lanie's your over-protective friend, right?"

Kate snorted and pulled him to a stop at the edge of the room, about seven feet from the booth. "You're not seriously afraid of Lanie, are you? She's harmless."

"She plays with medical tools," he replied. "And I just…shut up."

Kate considered him for a second. He hadn't shown any preoccupation with the fact that his book was out on shelves for the first time today. He'd been all confidence and wit all day long, only pulling them into one book store. Once he'd seen that people were, in fact, buying his new book, he'd completely let it drop, content to wait for the reviews the next day. So she was surprised that this man, who could face a reporter and be the most charming, cocky guy around, was insecure about meeting her friends in this capacity.

"You're going to do just fine. Ryan and Esposito love you, and Lanie loves you because I do."

He smiled. "Love you too, Detective."

She rolled her eyes. "You have to stop calling me that."

"But it's what you are!" he protested. "Don't you like hearing me address you by title?" he added on a lower whisper.

"Don't do it around the guys," she sighed. "And no. I don't, for the record."

"You're a sucky liar, Detective," he hummed into her ear as she dragged him over to the table. She 'accidentally' stepped on his foot as they reached the group.

He yelped as they stopped at the edge. "What was that for?"

"What?" Kate asked innocently. "I see you guys have started," she added to the group, who were watching them with interest.

"Well, yeah," Esposito grinned. "Not all of us got the weekend off."

"Yeah," Ryan agreed, lifting his beer in salute. "And you missed a really fun day of paperwork and a sewer body."

Lanie scooted over and Kate sat down next to her with Rick on her other side. "Same case as yesterday?" Kate asked, snagging a sip of Lanie's drink before the woman could protest.

"Yes," Lanie replied. "And none of you have it as bad as I do. You didn't have to dissect that sewer body."

The boys shuddered and Kate shook her head. She glanced over at Rick and found him grinning. "What?" she asked, causing everyone to look at him.

"I'm a writer," he replied, as if it was obvious. "This is genius."

"Oh, no," Kate sighed. "Careful, or he'll write you into a book."

"That would be sick, Bro," Esposito laughed while Kate glared at him. "What?"

"Don't encourage him," she replied.

"What, you don't want to be Richard Castle's new muse?" Lanie piped up from her side. "I'm Lanie Parish, by the way," she added, leaning around Kate to extend a hand to Rick.

"Pleased to meet you," Rick smiled, shaking her hand. "I'm Rick Castle. And no, Kate does _not_ want to be my muse."

"I take it you've tried then?" Lanie asked as they dropped hands and Kate signaled for the waiter.

"Multiple times. She's alarmingly against the idea."

"Can't see why," Esposito grinned. "It's not like Beckett's a private person or anything."

"I don't know," Ryan interjected. "It was a pretty good picture of you two in the paper this morning."

Rick coughed and Kate swung her gaze to meet his. "Did you know?" she asked, watching as he shook his head, still coughing.

"You know, I think…I think I have a copy here," Esposito exclaimed, pulling the Ledger out from beneath the table. "And look at that, it's the Society Page. Funny."

Kate glared at him and snagged the paper, bringing it over so that she and Rick could get a good look at their own lip lock from the previous night. "Perfect," she sighed, catching the headline: _No Sugar Daddy for Kate Beckett, New Detective of the NYPD's Homicide Division. Looks Like This Castle Girl Is No Stay-At-Home Mom._

"Seriously?" Rick groaned. "Want me to call Paula?"

"It's not a bad thing, really," Lanie piped up. "I mean, basically, it says that you're a self-sufficient woman."

It did. It also broadcast her profession, her _new_ station, to the world. "Yes, but it doesn't really help me catch criminals if they know that I'm dating Richard Castle. I mean, at least now they know that I'm not mooching, but…" she trailed off and sighed, watching with some amusement as Rick ordered them both large beers.

"But how many of the guys we see every day are really going to have read the Ledger?" Esposito cut in. "It's a good picture though—very intense."

"Can it, Esposito," Kate grumbled.

"Or what?"

"Or I really will put you on desk duty."

"Crap," he turned to Ryan. "She can actually do that now."

"You're on your own, man," Ryan replied. "But really, Beckett, it's not that bad."

Kate nodded. "You don't have to call Paula," she sighed, looking at Rick. "It's okay."

"I'll try to make sure that they're not all over you at work," he said seriously. "Excuse me, guys." He stood and made his way to the front of the bar, leaning heavily against the doorjamb.

"He's a good guy," Esposito said as they watched him gesticulate.

Kate smiled. He was a very good guy. "So, how's work?" she asked, turning back to her friends. "And you're dissecting now?"

Lanie grinned. "You're not the only one moving up."

"Really?" Kate asked, noting that her voice had risen an octave and the boys were watching both of them with some dismay.

"Medical Examiner," Lanie said proudly. "And I'll be working some of your cases."

"Awesome," Kate beamed, throwing an arm around her curvy friend. "That's awesome."

"Are you freaked, Bro?" Esposito stage-whispered to Ryan, who nodded.

"Shut it, Esposito," Lanie sniped. "I've heard tales of your Halo sessions."

Esposito glared at Kate. "Not cool."

"Yeah, well, telling Rick about that Karaoke stakeout wasn't cool either," she replied easily. "Payback's a bitch." Ryan laughed and Kate glared at Esposito until they both cracked and the waiter arrived with another round for everyone.

"So, you're gonna be a Detective. What do you think working with Jacobs will be like?" Esposito asked.

Kate wasn't sure. She was hoping that Jacobs would get over whatever he had against her. And he _had_ shaken her hand on Friday. "I'm hoping it'll be fine," she replied with a slight shrug. "Anyway, he's only there another year, and then he's either moving up or moving out, and you'll come in," she added. "That'll be fun."

"We're gonna be so kick ass," Esposito grinned. "Assuming you don't kill us, Boss," he added teasingly.

"I'm sure Beckett will be very diplomatic," Ryan said easily.

"I'm not going to give you the right to drive, Ryan. Even I don't have that kind of power," Kate laughed. She was their actual boss now. How weird.

"Damn," he grumbled, taking a swig just as Rick sat down next to her.

"So?" Kate asked, laying a hand on his knee under the table.

"They've been advised that if they bother you in any way while you're on the job, they'll get a little too close to the story. Behind bars isn't really an ideal location to break news."

The boys laughed and Kate squeezed Rick's knee. "Thanks," she said quietly.

"Don't sweat it," Rick replied, lacing his fingers through hers beneath the table. "Or, actually," she watched as his eyes let up, "let _me_ follow you around."

"Fat chance," the other three replied in unison, making Kate snort.

"Why not?" Rick whined.

"You're a civilian."

"Beckett would rather die."

"It's dangerous."

"Alexis."  
>He looked around the table. "Fine," he sighed. "You win," he added, turning to Kate.<p>

"Don't I always?"

The table laughed while Rick scowled into his pint. Conversation turned to baseball and politics, bringing Rick out of his mope and deep into discussion with Esposito about the Yankees starting lineup, and what players he actually knew. Ryan, Lanie and Kate kept up a discussion about their hopes for the next election and the current situation in the Middle East.

They passed a few happy hours together, before Ryan and Esposito shrugged off, heading home to sleep before work the next day. They wished her a good rest of her weekend and fake saluted as they left, content to call her 'Boss' for the rest of eternity, much to her displeasure. Lanie stuck around and switched over to the other side of the booth, leveling her gaze on Rick, who shifted beside Kate.

"So, Rick," she began, taking a dainty sip of her beer. "Tell me about yourself."

Kate laughed while Rick's jaw dropped. "I…uh…"

"Just because you're famous, don't think you're getting out of this," Lanie continued. "Tell me, why are you good enough for my girl here?"

"Never mind that she's about seven months late for this conversation," Kate added.

"Shut it, you," Lanie threatened. "Now, Rick, answer the question."

"I'm," he took a deep breath and then settled his shoulders. "I love her," he said, his voice strong.

"Yes, that's good. But what else?"

"Lanie," Kate admonished. As fun as it was to watch Lanie make her boyfriend squirm, this seemed a little cruel.

"No, it's okay," Rick said to her left. "I will stand by her through whatever, and she loves my kid, who I think you should meet, actually. I'd love for her to have this kind of male intimidation face."

"She's eight," Kate laughed.

"Never too young to start fending them off. You've seen her," he replied, meeting Kate's eyes. "They're gonna be all over her, and I remember what I was like at that age. I want her to be safe," he finished, his eyes wide with a paternal fear that was endearing but most assuredly way too early.

"Again, Rick, she's eight," Kate stressed, running a hand over his arm on the table. "She'll be fine, and between the two of us," she gestured between herself and Lanie, "we'll make sure she's well equipped to keep the yous of the world away, when she needs to."

"That's all I ask," Rick nodded, turning back to Lanie, who was watching them with some awe. "What else? Kate's smart, and dedicated, and extremely interesting. And, I, uh, deserve her, because…because she chose me? I don't honestly have a good answer for you, Lanie. I wonder how I got so lucky every day."

Kate bit her lip to keep from smiling. His words made her heart melt a bit, while she fought the urge to roll her eyes. He was the only man who could say such things and actually sound sincere, which she knew he was. She was just as lucky, and wondered what she'd done to deserve him every morning too. They could be sappy together, she supposed. She looked over at Lanie and found her friend choked up, a rare sight for her.

"Lanie?" Kate asked quietly.

"I…you've got a good man, girl," she replied. "You pass, Castle."

Rick grinned. "Thank you, Lanie. And I like that, 'Castle.' Makes me feel like one of the boys."

"You are one of the boys," Kate laughed.

He beamed. "Really?"

"Sure," she shrugged, aware that they were now thinking two separate things. "The three of you are absolute children when you play video games."

His face fell and he looked down into his drink, but she caught the little smile he was hiding. Kate looked over at Lanie. "Do you have to work tomorrow?" she asked.

Lanie nodded. "I just wanted to grill your boy here, but I should go. What happened to the tab, by the way? I figured the guys paid on the way out."

"Oh, I took care of it," Rick replied, refusing to meet Kate's questioning look. "You guys deserve it."

Lanie nodded slowly. "Thanks, Castle." Rick smiled. "I'll see you Monday, Detective Beckett," she added as she stood and donned her coat. "You two kids have a good night."

They watched her walk away, all hips and sass, and Kate sighed. They'd been putting this conversation off for a while. "You paid the tab," she said quietly.

He nodded. "I did." He lifted his head to meet her eyes. "Is it really a problem?"

"We're all capable of paying for ourselves, especially for drinks." She didn't like it when he did this stuff. Paying for dinner when it was just the two of them, or for activities with Alexis was fine. And she'd accepted that she'd never get to put money toward the apartment, since he already owned it. But this was different.

"I know you can," he replied. "But I wanted to do something nice for you. You just made Detective. Can't I spoil you?"

Kate shook her head. "I don't need spoiling."

"I know that," he sighed. "But I want to. This is a huge thing, Kate. Why can't I celebrate it?"

"You can. But you don't need to pay for my friends and get me gifts, Rick. Being a Detective is celebration enough for me. And, on top of that," she paused. They hadn't discussed what the move up meant for them financially either. Why was it that they never talked about money? How had she not brought it up earlier? "I'm about to start making more money."

"I know," he replied quietly.

"What do we do with that? Hell, what do we do with my salary to begin with?"

He bobbed his head. "Why don't we go home and talk about this?"

"Okay," she whispered, taking his hand as he got out of the booth and helped her into her jacket.

They weren't fighting, but they weren't at peace either, and so it was a strained cab ride back to the loft. She sat stiffly while he fidgeted next to her, curling his fingers into his scarf. She wanted to say something, anything, but she couldn't find the words. So they were silent as they got out of the car and rode up to the loft. He watched as she unlocked the door. She glanced up at him and caught him smiling when she locked the door from the inside. Maybe it wouldn't be a terrible conversation.

They took off their jackets and wandered into the living room, sitting down on the couch, legs pulled up so that they were tangled together. They always sat like this when they talked, connected but still able to see each other's faces. They'd done it when they were just friends, and it hadn't changed much since then. But they weren't just friends now, and money wasn't his or hers anymore. Or, well, Kate wasn't really sure what was whose anymore.

"We never had the money talk," Rick began bluntly. "Should we have had it earlier?"

Kate shrugged. "I want to contribute in some way, you know? Living here is amazing, and I realize that I can't put money toward an apartment you already own. I doubt you want me to pay utilities, and I don't know that I could, anyway," she said honestly. "But I don't want to just mooch off of you for the rest of our lives."

"Even if we're putting money into a joint account?"

Kate smiled. "We'd have to start doing that, you realize?" she laughed a little. "But even then, if we want to take a vacation, or buy a house, or send Alexis to college, you know that my money will just be the tip of what's in the account." His face split in a grin and she found herself confused. "What?"

"You're thinking about Alexis going to college," he replied.

"Yeah, so?" she asked. "I mean, really though, Rick, we have to talk about this shit."

"You're going to help me send Alexis to college?"

Why was he sticking on tha…Oh. "I…" she stammered. "I…yeah?"

"How many months am I supposed to wait, again?" he asked excitedly.

Kate kicked his leg and he laughed. Longer than this. They were not going to derail this conversation so he could figure out how long he had to wait to propose. Oh, hell. No, damnit! This was important. "Focus, Rick," she admonished.

"Oh come on, Kate," he said brightly. "You know what you just did to me."

She did. She knew. "Money problems, Rick. We have to solve those first."

"And then?"

"Then you let me get used to being a Detective, Mr. Sensitivity," she chided, watching as his face fell and he looked apologetic.

"Right, right. Sorry. Money issues."

She shook her head lightly, willing away the butterflies that had taken flight in her stomach. He was excited to propose to her—wanted her to be his wife so much that he couldn't even focus. But she could. She could get them back on track. He wanted to marry her.

"Really. What do we do? What do I pay for? If I'm out with Alexis, do I use my money, your money?" she began, toying with the bottom of her shirt.

"Why can't it be our money, again?" he asked, reaching over to place his hand on her knee. "Then it won't matter."

"But it will," she sighed. "I don't want to be your kept woman, Rick."

He scoffed. "You? You work harder than I do Kate, by spades. You should be making the kind of money I do. Look at it that way," he said eagerly, his face lighting up at the thought. "Just pretend it's the salary you should be making. And then, if Alexis wants a seven hundred dollar doll, you can get it for her, because you should be able to. It's dumb that I make more money for making crap up than you do for solving murders."

She smiled, touched. But that wasn't—she couldn't _really_ look at it that way. It was still his money. And she hadn't ever taken handouts before. But these weren't handouts, part of her argued. This was money that they'd share. And if she was really going to marry him, everything he had would be hers. God, that was terrifying.

"Hey, Earth to Kate?"

She looked up at him. "Sorry." Her mind was going a mile a minute. Everything—_everything_ he had would be hers too.

"I don't have a good solution," he admitted. "I want to share my money with you. I want you to be able to buy whatever you want, because you deserve it, and I love you. And it's not like you're just using my money. You're still working, and you're about to be working harder than ever. You're not just lounging around ordering diamonds and furs."

"I know. But it's…I'm not sure I'm comfortable being a millionaire, Rick," she said quietly. Oh, so that was the issue. She hated that she gave voice to these thoughts before she really knew about them. How did he draw that out of her?

He laughed. He _laughed_. "Of course you're not."

"What?" she asked, confused and a little irritated that he was laughing at her.

"No one ever is, Kate," he said, his laughter fading away. "I was twenty when my first book came out, and I didn't know what the hell to do with myself. And I wasn't even that rich yet. I spent a lot—so much that I needed to write another one to make the money back."

"I can see you doing that," she smiled.

"But after that? When it went from hundreds of thousands to _millions_? Kate, I had no idea what to do with that. And I had this little girl. Do you know how hard it is not to spoil a tiny little girl when you have enough money for four lifetimes?" he sighed and let his head fall sideways to rest on the side of the couch. "It's hard, and it takes time, Kate."

"I just…I didn't make the millions," she whispered. "And I'm not—I've never taken money from someone before."

"But you're not taking it," he replied. "And I'm not giving it to you. It's just there, Kate, like winning the lottery. The money exists, but it's not about taking or giving or using it. It's there. It won't go away."

"So I should just get used to it? Is that the message here?" She wasn't angry. She could understand that being the overall outcome of this. But that didn't make it easy to swallow.

He gave her an understanding look. "It's overwhelming, I know. But if we're going to send Alexis to college together, you…yeah, you'll have to get used to it. I can't get rid of the money."

Kate laughed at that. "I wouldn't want you to."

"Oh, is there a secret desire somewhere in there to be very rich?" he asked. But he wasn't mocking her. It was a serious question. And was there? Had she ever wanted to be super rich? Did she?

"Who doesn't want that?" she wondered aloud. "But wanting it and suddenly having it are different, you know?"

He nodded. "That I do." He reached over and held his hands out to her, beckoning her closer until his legs wrapped around her waist and they were face to face, his hands resting on her arms. "You don't have to start spending tons of money. You can keep acting like you only have your salary to spend every month. But if you need more, if we need more, it's there, and you can spend it when you need to. You won't have to call me to ask, because it's our money."

"Our money," she said quietly. "Our money, our apartment, our life."

"Takes some wrapping your head around it, right?" he asked, smiling.

She nodded, oddly overwhelmed. She thought she'd gotten past the surprise of it all, even though they'd taken everything at a snail's pace. "It's a lot."

"I know, Detective," he added, his eyes alight as she caught his gaze. "Do you want me to take care of it?"

"I'm capable of transferring funds," she said automatically, her voice a bit caustic. He blinked and she took a deep breath. She'd need to get used to letting him do these things for her. It _would_ be easier for him to do it Monday, since she certainly wouldn't have the time. "I mean, yes," she corrected. "Just tell me where to sign."

He smiled and leaned all the way in to catch her up in a kiss, pulling her fully into his chest, so that they were wrapped around each other, her arms around his neck and his hands running patterns over her back.

"Are we good?" he mumbled against her lips.

This was her issue to work through. She knew he'd be there to talk to, but she could get through it on her own. Or she could beg Lanie and Madison to help her figure it out tomorrow. That would work too.

"We're good," she replied, smiling as he moved from her lips to her neck, finding that spot that always made her squirm.

"In that case, shall we take this somewhere more comfortable? Somewhere where you can use your handcuffs?" he asked against her skin.

"I'm not locking you up unless you're really bad, Castle," she intoned.

His head snapped up and he looked into her eyes. "Castle?"

"You said you liked it."

"I didn't know you'd make it sound so hot," he replied, slipping his hands beneath her sweater to rub at her lower back.

"I didn't think you'd make Detective sound so dirty," she replied, too focused on his hands to realize what she'd just said.

But then his eyes widened and she wished she could take the words back. She hadn't meant to tell him about that. "What?" he growled. "You like it when I call you Detective?" he asked, his voice low and sultry.

"Never said that," she argued, pulling his face to hers, intending to stop his teasing, but she could feel him grinning against her lips.

"You think it's hot!" he whispered gleefully.

"Rick," she warned.

"No, no, forgive me, Detective. I'll be a good little boy."

She pulled back and they stared at each other, on their couch, in their living room, in their apartment, with their money. It was too much to think about, so Kate settled on feeling, and she knew just how to achieve that kind of escape. "And what if I want you to be a big bad boy instead?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: I had a lot of fun writing this chapter. I like getting to play around with Lanie and the boys; they're great characters. The next few chapters will pick back up in action, but this is kind of the calm before the storm of life, you know? Setup is key, my friends.<br>**

**Thank you for all of your kind reviews, messages, tweets and tumbles, alerts and favorites. I love you guys, and just ONE MORE DAY UNTIL WE RISE!**

**Emma**


	28. Chapter 28

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: After **_**Rise**_** last night, how could you possibly think I actually own these characters?**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 28:<strong>

"You think?" Kate asked, turning around for Madison and Lanie, the snug leather shifting with her. She loved the jacket. It was stylish, yet useful, and made of the softest black leather.

"Oh, definitely," Madison laughed. "Rick's going to love that."

"For work, Maddy," Kate replied, shifting her gaze to Lanie. "Not too girly?"

Lanie smiled. "It's perfect. Sassy, but full of confidence. You'll knock 'em dead."

"Then it's the one," Kate decided, turning once more in front of the mirror before she unzipped it. "Do you guys need anything?"

Lanie and Madison exchanged a look. "No, but I think we still need to do one more thing with you," Madison said innocently.

Kate eyed them. "I just made Detective, guys. What's going on?"

"Made Detective, but can't figure it out," Lanie grinned at Madison. "Should we tell Montgomery?"

"Well, I've never met him, but it might be important," Madison laughed.

Kate was suddenly rather sorry that she'd introduced the two of them. They got along too well for her liking. "Fine. What do we need to go do?" she sighed, shrugging into her pea coat and draping the jacket over her arm. "And should I pay, or are we staying here?"

"Pay," Madison threw over her shoulder as she and Lanie sauntered out of the dressing room.

Kate narrowed her eyes and followed them out, watching as they whispered over by the spring jackets while she paid for the albeit expensive, yet all together necessary leather jacket. It was ironic, buying something so expensive right after having the 'money talk' the previous evening, but even living alone, she would have splurged for this. Kate wasn't a huge fashion maven. She didn't _need_ the newest styles, or fancy clothes, or designer issue boots, but sometimes a girl just needed that perfect outfit. She was starting a big career tomorrow. She could go back to high school and find that perfect first-day-of-school top if she needed to, just this once.

Kate paid and walked over to meet them, letting the other two usher her out of the boutique and into a cab. "Where are we going?" Kate asked petulantly.

She really just wanted to sit down for an hour, maybe grab some lunch. She'd promised Alexis that they'd do something fun when she got back from Paige's house, and Kate knew that whatever they did would require more energy than she currently had.

"Can we at least stop for coffee?" she asked when it became obvious that Madison and Lanie weren't going to answer her question.

"You sound like a five-year-old," Lanie offered. "And yes, after this, we can get coffee."

"Thanks, Mom," Kate laughed while Madison smirked at them.

"Why haven't we done this sooner?" she asked. "And Becks, it's been way too long since we've been out."

"I agree," Kate replied. "But we've been busy."

"You more than me, girl," Madison laughed. "Miss living-with-Richard-Castle."

"How is that?" Lanie added, turning so that she faced Kate.

Why did it feel like she was about to be interrogated? She'd told Lanie about the loft somewhat, hadn't she? "It's nice," she offered slowly.

"More than that. Details, Becks," Madison demanded. "I haven't heard about this at all, other than what Lanie's mentioned while you were changing."

"Seriously? You have nothing better to talk about than my love life?" Kate sighed. "Lanie, you're an amazing baker, and Madison's the queen of food. Talk about that!"

"But we're so much more interested in you and Rick there," Lanie grinned. "I approve, by the way."

"Again, you're about seven months late for that stamp of approval," Kate replied. "But thank you all the same."

"When do I get to meet him?" Madison whined.

God, it was like being the ball in a tennis match. "Soon, Maddy. You should come over for dinner when you're free."

"Assuming you're there," Lanie interjected. "Have the two of you talked about the fact that your schedule won't be fixed anymore?"

Kate blinked. "Uh, no, actually." Crap. "I hadn't mentioned it. I think he knows, but I should probably explain that to Alexis tonight."

Lanie patted her knee. "Good plan. Now, dish."

What should she tell them? She and Maddy had always traded secrets, but they'd been growing apart this past year, just due to life and time. And Lanie was great, but they'd never gotten truly personal until recently. Did she want to spill her secrets to them? That was what girlfriends were for, right? You were supposed to giggle and blush and spill your guts.

She took a deep breath. "Okay. It's amazing."

"How amazing?" Madison asked, grinning.

"Completely amazing. I mean, yeah, he leaves the toilet seat up sometimes, and it's always kind of noisy, and Martha comes over at the drop of a hat, but…I just…it feels like home, you know?"

Lanie and Madison nodded. "You sound happy, Becks."

Kate smiled. "I am. It's…you know how you think you'll feel suffocated and like you don't have space and like you'll forget how to just be you?"

Madison laughed. "Most people don't focus on that, but sure."

Kate rolled her eyes but took a deep breath all the same. "I just feel…safe, if that makes any sense."

Lanie squeezed her knee just as the cab stopped. "Then we're so definitely at the right place. Come on."

They dragged her out of the cab and into Nordstrom. As they got into the elevator Kate felt it click. "Guys, no," she pleaded. She was not going to go wedding dress shopping. No way. "Seriously."

"Come on, Becks," Madison cajoled. "It'll be fun! You know you want to."

"No, I really don't," Kate insisted as the doors opened.

They were met with a barrage of white tulle and lace, along with a handful of colorful bridesmaids dresses mixed in with the bridal gowns. Madison and Lanie squealed and took off, leaving Kate standing alone by the elevator. She could just get inside and leave. It wouldn't take any effort to do so.

But a dress four racks over caught her eye, and she found herself moving toward it without thought. Was she seriously going to try on wedding gowns? They weren't even engaged. And she'd told Rick that he had to wait. She wanted to wait. She reached out and let the silk of the gown run through her fingers.

Would they get married in Manhattan? In the Hamptons? Would there be press, or would is just be them and their little ragtag family? What would she use for her old, new, borrowed and blue? Her hand snaked up to her neck and she fiddled with her ring as she wandered down an aisle created by two rows of bridal gowns, like a sea of white crinoline. How much would she miss her mother? Would it hurt, getting married without her? Would she cry?

She stopped when she reached the end of the row and was confronted with a beautiful floor-length white dress on a tall mannequin. The top was beaded with thousands of tiny clear beads sewn into the soft, strapless bodice, and a red sash wrapped around the waist of the dress. The bottom fell in layers of ruffles, like a flamenco dress might, and Kate stared at it in awe.

She saw herself at an altar on the beach, holding Rick's hands, with Alexis grinning off to the side. The Minister said…something, and they kissed, Rick gathering her in his arms and bending her backward in enthusiasm. When they pulled apart, she looked into his grinning face and beamed back, until a body catapulted into them and Alexis was there, squealing and giggling, allowing Rick to haul her up onto his hip, in a call back to her younger years. She leaned across to Kate, who was secured on Rick's other side and took her hand.

"Now you really _are_ my Mommy," she whispered.

"Hey, there you are, Becks," Maddy's voice broke her out of her reverie. "Found something you like?" she asked with a smirk. Kate shook her head to clear it and then turned to look at Madison. "Whoa, Kate, what's up?" she asked.

Kate stared at her in confusion. "Wh…what?" she asked, realizing that her voice was shaking and, oh, there was a tear making its way down her cheek. Well damn.

"Either something just broke your heart, or you just married that man wearing that dress," Maddy surmised, her face splitting into a delighted grin. "Lanie! We found the dress."

"We didn't find anything," Kate managed. Oh, but it was tempting. Would trying it on really hurt anything? Really, it was just for fun, right?

"Oooh, that's a nice one," Lanie offered as she found them. "But why that one?"

"Because it made Detective Beckett, big, bad, tough girl, cry," Madison crowed.

Lanie gaped. "Seriously? Kate, really?"

Now they were just being mean. "Do you want me to try it on, or do you want to tease me, because I can be gone in two seconds fl…" But Madison was already unzipping the back and pulling it off the mannequin. She pranced off toward the dressing room, her red heels clacking across the floor with Lanie trailing behind her to catch the back of the dress as it made a run for the floor.

Kate sighed and followed them, attempting to keep her mask of annoyance in place. She couldn't. Some part of her—the small part that must have played princess as a child—desperately wanted to try that dress on and spin around in front of a mirror. From leather jackets to white tulle, she'd run the gambit today.

Kate found them in the deepest dressing room, giggling and chatting as they laid the gown out for Kate to try on.

"Come on, Becks. Just the one, and we'll leave you be."

"Promise?" Kate asked, shrugging out of her jacket and tossing her purse onto a nearby chair. Both women nodded emphatically. "Fine," Kate sighed, walking into the changing room and firmly shutting the door behind her. "But know that I'll be getting both of you back, with vengeance, when either of you meets someone special."

"I hope you have the patience of a saint then, Beckett," Lanie replied, sounding completely at ease while Kate shimmied out of her jeans and tugged off her tank top.

"And you know me, Becks, I love a good dress hunt," Madison added. "Do you shop much, Lanie?"

"Constantly," Kate replied, grinning as she heard Lanie huff.

Then she tuned them out in lieu of stepping gingerly into the gown, pulling it over her hips with gentle fingers. The inside of the dress was made of soft silk and ran to the floor, separating her skin from the ruffled skirt. She dragged the top up over her breasts and then held it with her elbows as she removed her brassiere, realizing that it would ruin the effect to keep it on. She turned and watched herself in the single mirror as she held the bodice up with one hand and ran the other around the back to tug the zipper all the way up, a skill she was rather proud of. The effect was breathtaking. Oh, God, she wanted to get married, right now. She didn't care about rationality. She just wanted to get married. Hell, what a dress.

"Kate?"

"Hmm, uh, yeah?" she replied, dazed. It was perfect. It was absolutely the perfect wedding dress.

"Can we see it, or are you going to run, grab Rick and hit Vegas the second we open the door?" Lanie asked.

"Uh, no, I…" Kate turned and opened the door to the stall, stepping out into the warm light of the dressing room. Both women gasped. "Right?" Kate asked quietly, walking over to stand on the small stage with the five-pronged mirror. "It's just…"

"It's perfect," Madison whispered.

"Kate, you…girl, you have to buy that," Lanie added.

Kate turned to face them and got slammed by two flashbulbs as both Madison and Lanie took pictures with their phones. "Guys," she protested as Madison snapped another one. "Come on. I'm not…I can't…I really shouldn't," she finished lamely, turning back around. "And stop snapping pictures, Maddy. I know it's cool that your phone can take pictures now, but honestly."

Madison just laughed. "If you're really not going to buy that today, we need to save the memory so we can recreate when you get your head out of your ass and marry that guy."

"Madison," Kate sighed, spinning around again, delighting in the rise and fall of her skirt, even as she leveled a glare at her friend. "I don't have my head up my ass."

"No," Lanie agreed. "You're just hesitant."

Kate scowled. "I just made Detective, and Rick's got a book out, and Alexis is still unhappy about her mom and I…can't I just live with him for a few months? I mean, I've never lived with a guy before, you guys. And I _just_ moved in on Monday."

"Right, right," Madison replied, leaning over to look at something on Lanie's phone.

"Are you guys even listening to me?" Kate asked when Madison let out a loud laugh and nudged Lanie, who gave her a look. "What's going on?"

"Nothing," they replied together.

"It's perfect," Lanie added, gesturing to the dress. "You really, _really_ need to buy it."

"Lanie," Kate sighed, lifting one of the ruffles and watching it fall. "I…I can't. I just spent 400 dollars on that jacket."

"So?" Madison laughed. "You live with a millionaire."

"Yes," Kate replied, finding that her hands moved to her hips of their own accord. Oh, God, maybe this is where she was manifesting all of that stern mother stuff she never needed to use on Alexis. "But that's for extra coffee in the morning, or a movie out with Alexis when we want to do Imax. It's not for a _wedding dress_ when Rick hasn't even proposed yet!"

Her cell rang and Kate huffed, climbing down off of the stage and shuffling awkwardly over to her bag. She fished for her cell, oddly aware that Lanie and Madison were watching her. She shrugged, intent on finding the device, and managed to get it to hear ear on the last ring before voicemail.

"Beckett," she answered.

"Buy the dress."

"Rick?" she asked, confused, though part of her was coming around, and boy, were her friends about to get it.

"Buy the dress," he repeated.

"I…buy what dress?" she asked innocently, turning around and leveling her scariest glare on Lanie, who shrank back.

"The one that Lanie sent me," Rick replied. "Buy it."

"I'm not buying a wedding dress. I don't know where that picture came from. You have Lanie's number?" she replied, advancing on her friends, who scrambled up and scooted away from her.

"Kate," Rick laughed as she followed the girls around the room. They'd already done one lap, and if she weren't so angry and embarrassed and twitterpated, she'd have laughed at how movie-esque they were being right now. "Buy the dress. You look so beautiful."

She stopped moving, turning to look at her reflection in the mirror as butterflies erupted in her stomach. "Really?" she whispered.

"Oh, God, Kate," Rick groaned. "It's perfect. You're perfect. Buy the dress."

"I…" she looked at herself, a blush climbing her cheeks and a smile desperately trying to break free. She felt that resolve crumbling. "Rick, come on. I can't just…buy a wedding dress."

"Lanie told me the price; it's not bad at all, Kate," he said softly. "And Kate, for _that_ dress? Do something for me?"

"What?" she asked, shifting her hips and watching as the fabric swished by her feet.

"Look at yourself in a mirror."

"Doing that," she laughed a bit.

"Good," she could hear the smile in his voice. "Now, imagine us on the beach, with everyone we love around us. You can smell the ocean and it's gloriously sunny. Someone, I don't really care who, is marrying us and we're standing there about to become husband and wife." She wouldn't tell him that she'd beaten him to it, and had already done this scenario in her own mind. He sounded so happy, and it made her stomach clench in such a pleasant way. "All I can see is you smiling up at me and holding my hands and I know we're both just dying for him to get on with it and pronounce us husband and wife. Finally, _finally_ he says it and then we're wrapped around each other. You're mine for forever and Kate?"

"Hmm?" she replied, unable to say much more around the sudden lump in her throat.

"When I marry you, because I am going to marry you, I want to marry you in that dress. If it makes you feel half as beautiful as you look, and if you're smiling even a quarter of how much I am right now, you need to buy that dress."

"Rick," she managed, finding that she was smiling, grinning, beaming at her reflection. "I…are…are you sure?"

"Katherine," he whispered, and she had half a mind to turn tail and run all the way home. God, the things his voice could do to her. "Buy that dress. I'm marrying you in that dress."

"Is," she laughed. "Is this you proposing to me? Over the phone?" The quiet chatter that had been going on behind her stopped and Kate was suddenly aware that she had an audience.

He chuckled softly. "Hell no."

She laughed and twisted her hips like a little girl, the dress flaring out around her. "Not romantic enough for you?" she teased.

"Is it for you?" he replied.

"It's probably the most romantic thing any man has ever said to me, actually," she admitted. She couldn't lie to him now, not after everything he'd just said. She was standing in front of a mirror in her wedding dress.

"Damn," he sighed. "How am I supposed to top that now?"

She giggled and heard Lanie gasp behind her. "You'll think of something, I'm sure," Kate replied. "But…"

"Kate, honey, buy the dress," he urged her. He'd never called her 'honey' before.

"I…I don't have enough in my account, I don't think," she said reluctantly.

"You'd be surprised by what you can do online, these days," he replied. "There's enough in your account now to buy it, and tomorrow I'll set up our joint one."

"How…how did you get my information and stuff?" she asked, a bit dazed. What a gross invasion of privacy, wrapped up in the sweetest gesture ever. She couldn't find it in herself to even be offended. Wow.

"Your bank book is here, and come on, Kate, your favorite high school teacher? Kid's stuff," he chuckled, sounding lazy and happy.

"I'm glad you're a writer and not an identity thief," she murmured. She looked at her reflection again. She was wearing her wedding dress. Good God. She was going to get married. He'd basically already proposed. Her mother's ring sparkled against her bare sternum and she glanced upward, toward her mother, wherever she was. She was probably laughing her ass off, crying tears of joy and mirth right about now.

"Kate?" Rick prompted.

"Huh…yeah?" she replied dumbly, reaching up to wipe away her own tear. She wished her mother were there to see this, to actually hear about it, to howl in laughter at the absurdity of it all.

"Go buy the dress," he said quietly. "And then come home."

"With the dress?"

"We have a closet upstairs. You can put it in there, and I promise not to force you to model it for me."

"We're already doomed," she sighed dramatically. "You just picked out my wedding dress."

He chuckled. "Then get your butt back here so I can drag us down to a lower circle of hell. God, Kate, that dress is stunning."

She laughed. "Okay, I'll be home soon. But living in sin will have to wait. I promised Lex we'd hang before I have to go to work, with my wonky schedule."

"Do you want me to have that talk with her?" he asked while Kate reluctantly made her way back into the changing room, not even sparing a glance for Maddy and Lanie.

"Do _we_ need to have that talk?" she asked, reaching back to unzip the gown, letting it gently fall to the floor. She tucked the phone between her ear and shoulder and stepped out of the circle of fabric. "We haven't discussed the change of hours and missed dinners and early mornings."

"Kate, I write about murder for a living. I know that things are going to change," he replied easily. "And I'll make it my mission to try to convince you to stay through every early call, bring you dinner when you're working late, and force you to relax when you go overboard."

She listened as she hung up her dress, biting her lip and shaking her head. "You know that I'm going to fight you on all of that. And if you're bringing me dinner, who's cooking for Alexis?"

"Oh, I meant _we'd_ be bringing you dinner, duh," he laughed. "And yes. You wouldn't be you if you didn't fight me on it."

"I don't know if I should be insulted or flattered by that," she replied as she pulled her jeans back on. "Though, I am staring at the world's most perfect wedding dress, so I guess I can let that go." He didn't reply for a long moment, and she guessed that he was probably too busy smiling to form words. "But, actually, hold on a sec. I need to get my bra on."

She leaned down and placed the phone on the bench just in time to hear, "You're topless and you didn't tell me?" yelled through the phone. She grinned and quickly donned her bra and shirt, shrugging into her jacket before she picked the phone back up.

"And that's just cruel, Kate. It's just cruel," he finished. Apparently she'd missed a rant. Pity.

"Okay, well, on that note, I'm going to…huh, I'm going to go buy a wedding dress." Man, was that a weird sentence to work through.

"Yes you are," he sighed happily.

She bit her lip again as she draped the gown over her arm. "I have to go, stud, but I'll be home soon."

"You called me stud," he said gleefully.

"Yes, focus on that. Great take away," she laughed. "See you soon."

"Hey," he interrupted just as she was about to hang up.

"Yeah?"

"You're buying a wedding dress," he said quietly. Her smile bloomed again at the distinct sound of awe in his voice. "So, you know, I love you."

"Oh," she whispered. "Oh, Rick. I love you too," she replied.

"Just…you know, so you know, and everything." He was nervous! That was adorable and sweet and…she really didn't need to melt any more than she already had.

"I know," she smiled. "And you know."

"I do." He was probably grinning.

She shook her head. "Good. I'm going to go, and I'll be home soon."

"Bye, Kate."

"Bye, Mister Castle."

"Bye, Mrs…" she clicked him off before he could finish the thought. She had a feeling she'd be hearing it all the time now, until he actually did get down on one knee. And honestly, she wanted to see his face the first time he said it. She knew he'd laugh at her for hanging up on him.

She took a deep breath and opened the door to the changing stall. Madison and Lanie were just sitting there, staring at her. Both looked a bit choked up, and they were holding hands. Good lord.

"What?" Kate asked, looking down at herself. "Oh, you mean that I'm not wearing the dress? I thought it would be tacky, and a bit of a…oh, shit."

"What?"

Well, that was a detail she'd overlooked. "The paparazzi."

"Oh, one of us will carry the box," Madison waved her off. "Are you really buying it?"

Kate nodded, unable to stop the grin that accompanied the movement. "But don't think that that gets you guys out of trouble. I can't believe you did that!" she added.

Lanie grinned. "Honey, come on. You saw yourself in that dress. And let me tell you, the smile you had on while you talked to that man? Kate, you _need_ to buy this dress. He's the one."

"You've met him once," Kate replied. Lanie was right. But she'd…God, she'd sent Rick a picture, and they weren't even engaged. "And I just, what if that hadn't worked out, Lanie? What if you'd scared him off or something?"

"Oh please," Madison laughed. "He proposed to you over the phone."

"He…didn't?" Kate replied weakly. "Okay, so he…we're…it's…it's complicated."

"And you're ridiculous," Lanie decided. "But enough of this. Let's go buy you a wedding dress."

"Quietly," Kate instructed. "The last thing I need is to have this plastered all over the papers, when the actual wedding, hell, the proposal is still months away."

"Two?" Madison asked Lanie.

"I give them two weeks," Lanie shrugged. "But I won't put money on that. They're weird."

"Shut up," Kate grumbled. "And I'm still mad at…" She couldn't even pretend. "I'm buying a wedding dress," she whispered as they fell into step on either side of her.

Madison wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulders. "That you are, Becks."

"I just…"

"You're going to have an amazing life with that man, Kate," Lanie said quietly. "I swear you should have seen your face."

"I was watching it."

"No, Becks," Madison sighed. "From our perspective. I have never, ever seen anyone that happy."

"Really?" she asked on a timid breath. She couldn't quite wrap her head around it. And no matter how long she'd been with him, loved him, lived with him, there were times when it all felt too wonderful to be real.

"Don't second guess this, Kate," Madison added. "Just be happy and in love, okay? Don't go there."

She didn't want to. She wanted to enjoy this, because it felt so amazing. Did it always? Is this what true love was supposed to be like? She handed her card to the cashier and passed the dress gingerly across the counter, watching as the woman slipped it into a blue box. She wished her mother were here, and found her hand already curling around the ring. They were supposed to do this together, and she was supposed to be able to ask all of those questions.

"Your mom would have loved him," Madison said quietly, while Lanie rubbed her back. "She would have thought he was a riot, and you know she would have adored what just happened."

"Yeah," Kate nodded, taking the box from the attendant and signing the bill, not bothering to look at the cost. "Yeah, she would have."

Madison and Lanie smiled. "Alright, let's get this bride-to-be-to-be back to her man and step-kid."

"She's not my step-kid," Kate replied perfunctorily as they got into the elevator and Madison took the box from her.

"No, she's your kid," Lanie grinned. "I got some colorful stories off of the boys last night about you and that girl playing laser tag during a Madden weekend not too long ago."

Kate blushed and ran a hand through her hair. "We didn't know they were there," she sighed.

"Oh, Becks, you're in so much trouble," Maddy laughed.

"Right?" Kate replied, grinning as they hit the street.

Lanie hailed a cab and they got in, chatting like the three twenty-somethings they were. Kate felt young and happy and astounded, and she eagerly listened to Maddy's story about her boyfriend and the date gone wrong. She and Lanie chimed in when appropriate and Kate was hit by the stark reality that she had best friends, real best friends.

When they got to the loft, all three of them got out and walked into the lobby, away from the prying eyes of anyone interested in looking. They stood there in front of Ernie's desk and Kate looked at her friends.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

Both women beamed. "We've got your back, Becks," Maddy replied.

"What are friends for?" Lanie added. "No go up there and kiss that boy senseless."

"Yes Ma'am," Kate laughed, giving them both a hug before turning and walking into the waiting elevator, hearing them laughing behind her.

She relaxed against the back wall, the bag from the boutique held over her wrist as she cradled the dress box to her chest with both hands. She was holding her wedding dress—the dress she was going to wear when she married Richard Castle, because he _was_ going to marry her. She was excited and terrified and happy and ecstatic all at once, and couldn't quite figure out which emotion to settle on, even as she fumbled the door open and stepped inside.

"I'm home," she called out. She gently placed the box on the chair in the corner and then began slipping out of her jacket and shoes as she heard Rick jog into the foyer. She had just closed the closet door when he reached her.

He spun her around and hauled her into his chest, fusing his lips to hers in one fluid movement that had her wrapping her arms around his neck. They'd shared some astounding kisses in their time together, but she thought this one might top them all. God, his body felt amazing pressed against hers and she just wanted to stay there, wrapped in his arms forever. They were going to get married, and she'd have this every day. Granted, she had that now, but it was different with the title and the rings and the dress and the tux.

After a long moment, they pulled apart and she leaned back to meet his eyes. "Hi," he offered, lifting a hand to brush a strand of hair from her forehead.

"Hi," she whispered back. "S'Alexis home yet?"

"Not yet," he smiled. "Want to model for me?"

Kate laughed. "I want to hang it up and then come down and have some food before Lex gets here," she told him. "And I think you'll just have to wait to see it in person until you're at that altar, Mister."

"Can we go tomorrow? Oh, wait, damn. You have that annoying work thing," he pouted, leaning in to kiss her nose.

"Yeah, my job—my new job—is kind of important. I should probably be there."

He sighed. "You know it's killing me."

Kate smiled and ran a hand through his hair. "I know. But we have to stand on something, right? I mean, I got the dress before I have the ring, and you picked it, and we've been sleeping together for months…what's sacred about marriage if we don't leave a little bit to mystery?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "You made that up on the spot and you're just happy that it sounded coherent enough to be a real argument."

She shrugged and wriggled out of his embrace, grabbing the box and jogging up the stairs. "I'll make you a panini to make up for it," she called back.

"It better be a good panini, woman!" he replied.

She laughed. She'd let him get away with 'woman' because it was a bit cruel to have the dress in the house and not show him. Honestly, she was sure she'd cave at some point, but right now, she wanted it to be a surprise. She really wanted to see his face the first time he saw her in the dress, and she wanted that first time to be when she was walking down the aisle, wherever and whenever that might be.

Lanie gave them two weeks. Madison gave them two months. Kate gave them the night. She had no doubt that they'd end up making some agreement about it, even though she wasn't quite sure what her own position on the matter would be. She wasn't magically ready to be married, but after the dress and his voice over the phone, and that kiss, she wasn't sure that she wanted to wait so long. She wanted to wait past tomorrow.

She sighed and hung the dress up in the closet, taking a second to run her hand through the fabric before she closed the doors and took a step back. She needed to be Kate Beckett, Detective, tomorrow, and being Kate Beckett, the giddy, twitterpated 24 year-old wasn't going to help her get to that. She turned and left the room, walking slowly down the hallway and to the first floor, where she found Rick getting food out of the refrigerator for them.

"I figured we could do grilled cheese instead? We seem to be out of the good bread."

Kate smiled and grabbed a cutting board and cheese puller, setting to work on the cheddar cheese—Rick's preferred kind—without comment. He stood beside her and got four pieces of bread out of the bag. He turned and placed a pan on the burner, quickly throwing some butter onto it as it heated up. She stacked the cheese between the bread and handed each one to him, mildly amused that he was doing the actual cooking.

She watched him watch the sandwiches cook and didn't resist the urge to reach out and stroke his arm as he held the spatula. He looked over at her and smiled.

"Good day with the girls?" he asked.

She nodded. "I got a nice jacket for tomorrow."

"Does it make you look scary and powerful and hot?"

She slapped his arm gently but smiled all the same. "I guess."

"Then I look forward to blinking at you while you change into it tomorrow morning, bright and early."

Kate sighed. "Yeah. That's not nearly as early as it can be."

"I know," he replied, flipping one of the sandwiches. "But that's okay. I'm more worried for your sleep cycle."

"I'll figure it out," she shrugged. It would throw their nice little bedroom routine into some chaos, and that was one of the few things she was sad about. She liked brushing her teeth with him and showering with him and climbing into a cold bed together. And yes, sometimes he stayed up writing, or she got back late, but they'd been doing things together for a few months, long before she'd moved in.

"We'll just make the normal nights count," he replied, bumping her with his hip. "Married cops make it work."

She narrowed her eyes. "Really? Not even ten minutes?" She'd thought they'd at least make it to the night, after Alexis was asleep.

"What?" he asked innocently, glancing down at the pan. "Lunch's done. Hand me a plate?"

She did as he asked and soon they were sitting side by side at the counter, eating star-cut grilled cheese, because Rick was a child. Kate secretly loved them though, since they made her get to be a kid too. It was what had drawn her to the Castles, after all.

"So, what are you and Lex doing for your afternoon together?" Rick asked, wiping a stray bit of cheese off of his cheek.

"I'm not sure. I left it up to her."

He smiled and twined their free hands together on top of the counter. "You're so amazingly good with her."

"She's easy," Kate replied. "I keep telling you that, but you never really listen."

"Well, I've been with women who are not nearly as good at the parent thing as you, and one of those women is her actual parent."

Kate squeezed his hand in thanks, unable to come up with something suitable. She always found herself at a loss when he talked about her 'parenting' skills. The entire situation with Alexis left her warm and slightly terrified, but it was a good kind of fear.

"I try," she added after a long moment.

He leaned over and kissed her forehead before stealing a piece of her crust. Kate was about to reprimand him for it, but a key turned in the lock and Alexis came barreling through. Paige's father waved at them and shut the door while Alexis dropped her bags at the foot of the stairs and trotted over to Kate.

"Hi," she chirped, leaning against Kate's thigh.

"Hey, Lexi," Kate laughed, stealing the last piece of Rick's sandwich as he got up to lock the door. "How was your sleepover?"

"It was great!" Alexis enthused. "We watched _Matilda_, and built a fort, and played with her new puppy, Max. He's adorable, Kate, and so cuddly! Can I get a puppy? Oh, well, or a kitty? I don't know," she finished, biting her lip. "Can I get back to you on that?"

Kate laughed and nodded. "Definitely. When you settle on a pet, come and make an argument for why you should get one."

Alexis nodded enthusiastically. "Okay. So, I should go put my stuff in my room and then we're doing stuff?"

Kate smiled and ran a hand through her hair. "You got it. Let me know what we're doing when you come back, okay?"

Alexis giggled, nodded, and spun away, pausing to hug her dad hello as she went. Rick walked slowly back into the room and Kate met his gaze. He was smiling at her, in that endearing way he usually did when she and Alexis interacted at all. But this smile was larger, different somehow.

"What's up?" she asked, standing and taking their plates back to the sink.

"You just told my kid to come up with an argument for getting a pet, but didn't say yes or no to the request, thereby making her think."

Ah. That was why he was smiling. Kate didn't think it was that important. Alexis would need to figure out whether or not she wanted a pet, and Kate had a feeling that the little girl would understand that among the three of them, she would have to take care of it. Kate would be at work, and Rick was likely to get caught up writing all day. And Kate had a feeling that Alexis wasn't quite ready for that responsibility just yet.

"So?" Kate asked, walking back around the counter to stand in front of him.

"So, she asked you," he said happily.

"Yeah?"

He sighed. "Oh, you're so irritating sometimes. She asked _you_, smart girl. She asked you about a family decision."

"Oh," Kate replied dumbly. "Okay?"

He just shook his head and leaned in to press a kiss to her lips, his hands finding hers. "She'll be our flower girl, right?"

Kate shook her head at him just as Alexis hit the bottom step of the stairs. "We'll talk about this later. Go write, I'm stealing your daughter for the day."

He grinned. "Stealing, taking what's yours. Whatever."

With that, he turned and strode into his office, leaving Kate staring at Alexis, who was _hers_. "So, little miss, what are we doing for the rest of the afternoon?" Kate asked, shaking the thoughts away. She'd have to ask him to cool it, just for a few days; there was so much going on already.

"Can we go get hot chocolate and go for a walk?" Alexis asked, coming over to take Kate's hand.

It was all she'd wanted to do that morning. "Sounds perfect, Alexis. Let's go."

Alexis grinned and tugged her over to the closet, where they put on their fall jackets and hats, since it was still chily for late March. Kate laughed and adjusted Alexis' when she pulled it over her eyes.

"Rick, we're going to the park," she called.

"Have fun, girls," he yelled back. "I'll have Indian waiting, with extra bread."

"We love you for that," Kate replied while Alexis giggled. "Come on, let's go to the park," Kate smiled, locking the door behind them as they left.

"Do you want to take a cab, or walk to Washington Square Park?" Kate asked. "It's a nice long walk."

"Let's walk," Alexis decided as they got into the elevator. "I feel like I haven't seen you much since you moved in, even though we spent yesterday together," she said quietly.

Kate sighed and pulled the girl into her side, wrapping an arm around her. "I'm sorry, Alexis."

"No," she shook her head. "Don't be sorry. I just missed you, that's all. It's not your fault. I'm the one who had the slumber party and school."

Kate laughed quietly. "Those are things I want you to do, silly."

Alexis smiled. "And you had work."

"I did," Kate replied, guiding her out of the elevator and across the lobby. "And, unfortunately, I'll be at work more now," she added, taking the girl's hand as they hit the street.

Alexis looked up at her. "Because you'll be running the investigation, not just helping?"

"Right," Kate nodded. "So sometimes I might not be home for dinner, or I might be gone before you go to school."

"Will there be nights when you're not home to tuck me in?" she asked quietly as they waited at a stop sign.

Kate hadn't considered this. She knew that her new position would change the family dynamic, but she'd completely left Alexis' feelings out of her equation. How could she have done that? "It does, honey," she told her. "But, I can always call you before you go to sleep if I can't be there, and I'll try to make it home when you're awake as much as I can."

"Okay," Alexis replied, looking up at her as they crossed the street. "But you won't stop coming home, right?" she asked a minute later as they walked up the next block, heading for a Starbucks to get hot cocoa, since their favorite café was in the other direction.

"Oh, honey, no," Kate replied stopping them and bringing Alexis to the side of the sidewalk so she could kneel down and be closer to her eye level. "I will always come home. I'm not going to leave."

"Because, there are places that are closer to the Precinct, and maybe you would find a house there, and I…I really like having you live with us," Alexis finished with a small shrug.

Kate reached up and cupped the girl's cheek. "Hey, I _love_ living with you and your Dad. I'm not going to stop just because I got a new job. Why would you think I'd leave you for a closer apartment?"

Alexis didn't meet her eyes and stared down at the pavement. "When…when Mommy got a big job in California, she moved away for half a year, even though Daddy told her that she could stay here and commute," Alexis whispered quietly. "And then a year later, they got divorced, and Mommy only stayed here for a few months of the year."

Kate tipped the girl's chin until Alexis met her eyes. "I am not going to leave you for a job, Alexis. I'm not going to move away, or not come home. I love you, and you're stuck with me now."

Alexis smiled slowly. "Promise?"

"I promise," Kate replied, smiling as Alexis wrapped her arms around her shoulders and gave her a tight hug. She hoped someday that Alexis would start believing all the promises she made, instead of simply needing more. "Now, what's say we get some hot chocolate?"

Alexis nodded and let Kate stand, leading her down the block and into the Starbucks, where they stood, smashed together in line, giggling and whispering about the other patrons.

"That one's got two kids and a dog, but he's secretly in love with his accountant," Alexis said, discretely pointing to a man in the window, who was watching the city go by with a wistful expression.

Kate laughed. This was definitely Richard Castle's daughter. "That's very twistedly romantic of you, Alexis," she told the girl as they moved up another step. "But I think the guy in the corner is actually a circus performer, masquerading as the accountant."

"Ooh, intrigue," Alexis laughed.

"Your daughter is adorable," the woman behind them offered as they took another step up in line and Kate glanced behind them.

"Oh, thank you," Kate smiled while Alexis grinned. "She's pretty special."

"Thanks Mommy," Alexis said happily.

Kate's breath caught. It wasn't the first time they'd been out in public and been mistaken for a biological pair. And it wasn't the first time they'd played along either. Hell, they'd been playing along since long before Kate and Rick had gotten together. But it was the first time that Alexis had ever called her Mommy.

"We're next," Alexis prompted a few seconds later.

Kate blinked and then stepped up to order for them, while Alexis looked around and leaned against her hip. She paid and then they moved to the other side of the counter to wait for their drinks. Alexis wrapped her arms around Kate's waist and buried her head into the soft fabric of her large sweater.

"I love you," she said quietly.

"I love you too, Alexis," Kate replied, running a hand through her hair.

They didn't mention the 'Mommy' incident as they went about the rest of their afternoon, strolling through the park and talking for hours. Alexis was always entertaining, and Kate found her endlessly fascinating to listen to. She had a unique, very mature way of looking at the world, but she was still a child, and still had childish thoughts and ideas.

As they walked back home, Alexis curled into her side against the chill of the falling evening, Kate marveled at the fact that this little girl had called her 'Mommy.' Yes, she'd admitted to wishing Kate was her mother, but she'd never called her Mommy before, and Kate had thought that she was just going to be content with having her Kate in her life. She wasn't sure how she felt about being 'Mommy,' not because she didn't want to be, but because Alexis already had a Mommy. Meredith was absent and horrible, but she was still Alexis' mother.

It rolled through the back of Kate's mind, spinning and churning as they ate dinner and watched a movie, tucked Alexis in, did the dishes, and finally trudged into their room at ten that night. She sank onto the bed and watched as Rick stripped down and changed into a pair of flannel pants, twisting her hands into the comforter and biting her lip. She just wanted to make her brain calm down.

"Hey," he said as he came to stand in front of her. "What's been bugging you all night?"

Kate looked up at him and shrugged. "I…when we went out today, Alexis called me Mommy," she told him. Keeping it was just going to drive her mad, and he was good at listening and parsing things out. And Alexis was his kid, after all.

He smiled and sat down beside her. "And you're freaked?"

"No."

"Upset?"

"No."

"Angry?"

"Of course not," she sighed. "She has a mother already, Rick." She flopped backward and stared up at the ceiling. "And it feels wrong on some level to let her call me Mommy while Meredith is still…because she already has a mother."

Rick lay down beside her and took her hand. "But she wants you."

"And that's enough? That makes it okay?"

She lay there, listening to him breathe, waiting for him to find the right words. It was funny. Tomorrow her biggest concern would be staying hardened and stoic, while tonight, she _wanted_ to be open. Her life was a contradiction.

"Lots of step-children call their step-parent Mom or Dad," he said quietly.

She smiled. She knew they'd only make it to tonight. "But I'm not her step-mother," Kate replied.

He chuckled. "But you're going to be. There's a dress upstairs that proves it."

Kate squeezed his hand. "Are we having this discussion?"

"I don't know, Mrs. Castle. Are we?"

She didn't need to look at him to know that he was grinning. "I'm not ready to walk into work with a rock on my finger and start planning a wedding while I'm trying to get my bearings as a Detective." She turned her head and found him already looking at her.

"Am I proposing?" he asked innocently.

"Rick," she laughed, unable to stop smiling.

"Hey, we were in love for a good two months before we were actually 'in love,' so I think this is kosher."

"What? Being…engaged to be engaged? Are we fourteen?" she asked, noting idly that his fingers were tracing patterns over her ring finger.

"I'm going to marry you," he said quietly, firmly, lovingly. "And whether or not you're wearing a ring, I know that, and I hope to God that you know that."

"I do," she whispered, watching his face light up.

"So, we should talk about it like it's going to happen. And in that case, I think it's fine if Alexis wants to call you Mom. When Meredith's around, we can sit her down and talk about titles and what's appropriate."

"She'll probably figure that out on her own," Kate interjected. "She's smart like that. And I don't know that she'll keep calling me Mommy. She called me Kate at dinner."

"If she's done it once, she'll probably start doing it more," Rick replied turning on his side so he could lean in and kiss her gently. "And I think you shouldn't worry about it tonight, Detective."

"If I ever make Captain, that has to be the only thing that happens that weekend, okay? No almost-proposals, no confusing kids, no wedding dresses, just that. I can only do the big life overload once, got it?"

He grinned and leaned over her, settling down on top of her, his bare chest rubbing against the cotton of her tank top. "Got it, Mrs. Castle."

"Really? If that's my new nickname then I get to pick one for you."

"You don't like it?" he asked, looking slightly put out.

Kate smiled. "I love it," she whispered. "I don't know that I'll change my name, but I love it."

"So why do I need a new nickname?" he asked, catching her bottom lip in a kiss for a moment.

"Because, if you get to say that and make me…and bring up all of the wedding and engagement and stuff, then…" he kissed her throat. "Then I need…it's unfair."

"Gives me butterflies too," he murmured against her clavicle.

"Rick," she laughed, running her hands along his neck and though his hair.

"Shh," he whispered. "You promised me some living in sin, earlier."

"Oh," she laughed. "Are you collecting on that promise?"

He pulled back and looked down at her. "Just that one, tonight. But someday, Katherine Beckett, I'm going to collect on all of your promises."

"Then you better get started," she replied after a pause. His eyes were so blue and he looked so happy. She felt so happy. It didn't scare her as much as it had just last night. She _wanted_ to marry him, somewhere down the line. She wanted to be Alexis' mother, even if she wasn't her mother officially. She wanted this. And as he trailed his fingers down her stomach, she wanted him even more.

Tomorrow, she'd wake up and start her new life as Detective Katherine Beckett. But for tonight, she was content to be 24 year-old Kate, being ravished by her boyfriend/almost-fiancé.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: She will get to that Precinct next chapter. I promise you that. But this one just ran away, and I didn't have the heart to stop it, since it's so fun. And, you know, I loved "Rise," but I know I needed some straight up fluff after it, so consider it my own personal tonic. <strong>

**As always, you guys are so amazing, and I always love hearing from you. **

**I'm off to do that homework I neglected while I wrote this.**

**Emma**


	29. Chapter 29

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: The real writers aren't rushing to get to a percussion recital.**

**Summary: Kate Beckett met Richard Castle once, long ago, at a book signing. What if things had gone differently that day? Castle, but with a large, large twist.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 29:<strong>

Kate stared at her reflection in the full-length mirror of their closet. She wore a pair of dress slacks and a blue, three-quarter length cotton shirt, covered by her leather jacket. Her hair was pinned up in a stylish braid along the back of her head and she was wearing a light coat of make-up. She turned side to side in the dim light streaming through the window and scowled at her reflection. She looked intimidating, and the three-inch black pumps certainly gave her an extra edge.

She'd done a test the other week and found that she could be just as agile in the heels. Rick kept grumbling about her breaking an ankle, but she wanted to wear them, even if they were slightly impractical. They made her feel powerful, tall. She turned around again and let out a slow breath. She looked good. She felt good. She'd be just fine.

"You look incredible," Rick murmured from the bed, causing Kate to spin around.

She met his eyes where he was propped up in bed, his hair mussed and cheeks rough with morning stubble. "Hey," she said quietly. "I hoped you'd sleep through. The alarm didn't wake you."

"And miss your first morning?" he replied, rolling his tired eyes. "How you feelin'?"

"Nauseous," she admitted, coming to sit down at his hip, pulling one leg up onto the bed and crossing her other over her ankle.

"You're going to be great," he assured her, leaning forward to give her a chaste kiss. "You're going to kick ass, scare the crap out of some suspects, and then come home and take a long bath."

Kate smiled and squeezed the hand he'd placed on her knee. "Thanks."

"Do you want breakfast, or are you jetting out and grabbing something on the way?"

"I honestly don't think I could eat right now. But I could go for coffee," she replied, shaking her head as he frowned at her. Yes, it was unhealthy, but coffee calmed her stomach. It did. And she'd make sure to eat the power bar in her bag when she did get hungry.

"I'll do it, but I don't approve," he grumbled, watching as she stood up.

Kate laughed. "I promise not to pass my bad eating habits on to Alexis, happy?"

His frown deepened as he joined her. "While I appreciate that, it's you I'm worried about. Alexis isn't old enough to eat nothing for breakfast."

Together they left the room and headed for the kitchen, one dressed for the day, and the other in a tee shirt and Donald Duck pajama pants. They made a pit stop at the safe and Rick watched as Kate holstered her gun and clipped her new badge to her belt.

"That's so cool," he said quietly.

She met his eyes. "I'm glad it's still cool a year and a half later."

"Hey, you're a Detective now. It's a new level of cool," he grinned, guiding her out of the room with a hand on the small of her back.

Kate went to start the coffee maker but Rick steered her over to one of the island stools, glared at her, and then turned and began making her coffee. She indulged him, because she knew that he wanted to help. Hell, if she let him, he'd make her a four course breakfast and hold her hand all the way to the Precinct, much in the same way that he'd probably taken Alexis to her first day of school.

Kate turned as the girl in question padded down the stairs, rubbing her eyes. "Hi, Sweetie," Kate greeted as Alexis walked up to her, yawning and running a hand through her messy bed head. "Why are you up? You don't have to be at school for another three hours."

Alexis shrugged and snuggled into Kate's side, wrapping an arm around her stomach while Kate trailed her fingers gently through the girl's hair. "Woke up," Alexis mumbled. "And I wanted to see…see you," she finished on a long yawn.

Kate smiled. "Well, I'm glad to see you too, munchkin."

"Morning, Lex," Rick added as he poured two sweet-and-lows into a travel mug. "I don't have any specialty creamer," he frowned, opening the refrigerator. "Sorry."

Kate laughed. "Rick, compared to what we've got at the Precinct, this will be fabulous. Thank you."

"You're not eating breakfast?" Alexis asked, tilting her head up to look at Kate.

Kate looked from the tired daughter to the father and pursed her lips as Rick grinned. "Your dad was just about to cut up an apple for me, Alexis. We have muffins at the Precinct."

Alexis nodded into her stomach and Rick shook his head, reaching into the fridge to procure the aforementioned apple. "What kind of muffins, Kate?" he asked as he sliced the fruit. "Cranberry? Blueberry?"

"Cherry," she replied easily. She could beat him at this game. "Specialty muffins. Karpowski's dad's brother owns a bakery."

"Huh," Rick offered, passing the plate with the apple over as the coffee maker beeped. "Why haven't we been there before?"

"Because we like the place down the street," Kate replied.

"I like the place down the street," Alexis added, her voice muffled in Kate's jacket. "Donna knows my name and gives me extra marshmallows in my hot cocoa."

Rick sighed and tossed his hands up as he turned to pour Kate her coffee. Kate just smiled and handed Alexis a slice. Rick passed the travel mug over to Kate and then leaned against the edge of the counter and took a slice of her apple as well. They munched together in silence, in a strange little morning ritual that Kate found she would love to continue. She took a sip of her coffee and glanced at the clock on the stove.

"Okay, boy and girl, I have to go," she said quietly, giving Alexis a squeeze before she gently dislodged her and stood, running nimble fingers down her front and over her hair to straighten herself out.

Rick walked around the counter and handed her the travel mug, snaking his other arm around her waist to pull her into his chest for a quick kiss. "Knock 'em dead, Detective," he said as they pulled apart.

Kate smiled and kissed his cheek before stepping away and taking the hand Alexis held out. Together, they walked to the door and Kate grabbed her leather gloves from the bowl on the bureau, pocketing her keys.

"Okay, little miss. I'll see you tonight," she said, leaning down to kiss Alexis' forehead.

"Kate?" Alexis prompted quietly as Kate went to open the door.

"Yes?"

"Kick some butt."

Kate grinned and nodded. "Will do. You kick some third grade butt."

"Yes Ma'am," Alexis saluted before they giggled together.

"Okay, I really have to go. Love you. See you tonight. See you tonight, Rick," she added, glancing up at her boyfriend, who was leaning against the wall, watching the pair of them with a soft smile.

"See you tonight," he replied while Alexis got one last hug in. "And kick some ass," he mouthed, making Kate laugh.

She gave him a smile and gently left the apartment, watching Alexis' face disappear as she closed the door. So that was what it felt like to have a send off for your first day at a new job. When she'd started as a beat cop, she'd stumbled around her apartment, exhausted by the early morning. She'd been so anxious that she couldn't eat anything all day, and nearly passed out from dehydration as she did paperwork, because all she'd put into her system was black coffee. This morning, however, left her pleasantly warm, filled, comfortable and loved.

It was a strange feeling, and she got into her car in the garage, smiling. She did a mental check to make sure she had everything, and then, bolstered by the quiet confidence of her tired family, she gave herself a pep talk that sounded eerily like the one Rick had given her that morning. Their little powwow even got her through the brief moment of sadness she felt as she stepped into the elevator and her necklace bounced against her chest. Her mother may never get the justice she was on her way up to the bullpen to chase.

But, the doors opened before she could dwell on the matter, and Kate was suddenly a Detective. Though, sudden wasn't quite the right word. The bullpen was empty, save for a few tired night shifters and Ryan, who was leaning back in his chair on the opposite end of the room.

"Morning, Detective Beckett," he greeted as she automatically began making her way toward their cluster of desks, before stopping and standing in the middle of the empty space. "Desk's over there," he smiled, pointing to Traikers' old desk on the opposite end of the room from the uniforms' corner.

Kate nodded slowly and turned around, heading toward _her_ desk with purpose. She supposed she could use the quiet time to set herself up. However, upon closer inspection, it seemed that wouldn't be necessary. Her desk looked like a carbon copy of her old one, but there it sat, bare and empty across from Esposito's.

"What did you guys do?" she asked, trying to hide the touched smile that threatened to break across her face.

"What?" Ryan asked innocently. "Nice picture cube, by the way."

"Thanks," she replied. "Christmas present from Alexis."

"She's a good kid."

Kate nodded and sat down in her chair, fiddling with the height until it was just perfect. She placed her phone next to her mouse pad and booted up her computer while she watched Ryan toss a ball up in the air a few times. "Ryan," she prompted after a few minutes.

"Hmm?"

"Why are you here so early?" she asked, curiosity finally getting the best of her. But wasn't that her job now, to be insanely curious about everything?

"There's a paper in your top drawer," he replied casually. "I thought you might like to look at it."

"Okay?" Kate opened the drawer and sighed as she caught sight of the society page of the Monday Ledger. "Am I in here?" she asked, apathetically slapping the newspaper onto the top of her desk.

"Spotted wedding dress shopping," Ryan replied.

"Wearing it, buying it, or carrying it?" she asked tonelessly. Well shit.

"Buying it. They're quick to say that you didn't carry it out, so it's just a rumor. It's actually pretty tame and circumstantial for the Ledger."

"Great," Kate sighed, slowly unfolding the paper and staring at the picture of herself at the Nordstrom counter. In retrospect, it had been incredibly stupid for her to carry the dress out of the changing room. Had they even looked around the room when she'd bought it? She couldn't remember.

"Thought you'd want to know before the cavalry arrived," he offered. "S'it a nice dress?"

"You came in here this early so that I could see this?" Kate asked quietly, though her voice still carried around the empty room.

Ryan just gave her a smile. "Can't have people making fun of the boss on her first day."

Kate bit her lip. Ryan might just be her favorite. "I still can't make Karpowski let you drive," she replied. But the smile he turned her way told her that he knew just how much this gesture meant to her. "I should call Rick, get Paula on top of this."

"Just one question," Ryan said as she reached for her phone.

"Shoot."

"Is it a good dress?"

Over the past three months, Kate and Ryan had developed a strange relationship. They weren't openly affectionate, and they sniped at each other just like Kate and Esposito did, but there was something about Ryan that was gentler than Espo. Esposito would beat up a boyfriend, no problem, no questions asked. But Ryan would probably bring her chocolates afterward.

"Ryan, it's the most amazing thing I've ever seen," she said honestly, unable to keep the smile off her face.

"But no ring?" he asked, smiling back.

"Take that up with Rick."

"Bull," Ryan laughed, causing Kate to crack and laugh along with him.

"Fine. We're…you know, most brides do the dress before the engagement," she finished lamely.

"Of course, Boss," Ryan nodded knowingly.

"Get to work, Officer Ryan," Kate replied, watching as he laughed and stood up, headed for the break room. "Yeah, you better run," she called after him. She shook her head and stared at her cell. They wouldn't be leaving for school for another hour, so Kate picked up the phone and hit speed dial one.

"Why Detective Beckett," Rick greeted. "Are you calling to seek my counsel?"

She laughed at the abrupt response. "No, conceited. I'm actually calling you so you can seek Paula's counsel."

"Shit, really?" he asked quietly. "What's up?"

It hurt a little, to know that her wedding dress, the perfect wedding dress, had ended up in the paper, albeit in a box, before Rick had even seen it in person. "Well, apparently, super detective that I am, I didn't notice a camera in the bridal section yesterday."

"In the dress?" he asked quickly.

"No, just buying it. It's not bad—doesn't even say we're engaged. But it's there, and it's a rumor starter."

"Anyone at work razzing you? I'll kill those guys at the Ledger. Paula will take care of it, don't worry."

Kate smiled. "No one's razzing me. Ryan showed up early so I could have some warning."

"I'm buying him a beer. How 'bout a whole pub?"

Kate laughed. "Did you sleep at all last night?" she asked, amused by his rapid-fire responses. She twirled a pen around the empty space on her desk as a few officers stepped out of the elevator.

"Not a lot, actually," he replied.

"Really?" That was odd.

"Any cases yet?" he asked. Kate frowned. What was wrong with him?

"Not yet. No one's come in yet, so I assume that there haven't been any calls. Are you okay?"

"I'm just fine, Kate," he replied, a smile in his voice. "Consider it my own way of helping you out."

"Excuse me?"

"I was nervous all night so you could sleep," he replied easily. "But, there is now a little girl who needs to get to school, and you should go about…whatever it is you do before you detect stuff. And I'll call Paula as soon as I drop Alexis off."

"Oh, okay," Kate stammered. "I…thanks."

"Hey, the only people who should get to enjoy the fact that you bought a wedding dress are you and me, and Lanie and Madison, because they were there. And Ryan…very few people," he finished, laughing at himself while she smiled along. "Have a great first day, and detect the hell out of whatever the hell you're detecting."

"Thank you for the confidence, hot stuff," she chuckled. "Love you," she added quietly, because it took quite a man to call Paula Haas before nine in the morning.

"Love you too," he said softly. "Now get to work."

They hung up and Kate stuffed the newspaper back into her desk. Rick would make it go away, and she'd have a normal day of being a detective. She was a detective, sitting at her detective desk. God, she sounded like a child. What was she doing before the paper? Logging onto her computer—she should get that done.

By the time Jacobs, Grayson and Hall had come in, Kate had reorganized her paperwork, set up all of the necessary accounts on her new computer and eaten that power bar. There was very little by way of introductions. Grayson told her that she'd be riding with him most of the time. Hall said he liked the picture of Alexis. Jacobs didn't frown or snarl at her. He even passed her a cup of coffee around noon.

It felt like any normal day at work, with the exception of the location of her desk. It felt normal, at least, until they got a call at one.

"Alright, Beckett, let's roll," Grayson smiled.

They fell into step behind Hall and Jacobs and the four of them got into the elevator. They were all very tall. Grayson was about 6'2'' with black hair and a muscular build. He was a good guy, with a good heart, and Kate didn't mind riding with him. He hadn't proclaimed them partners, and that suited Kate just fine. As far as she knew, the team didn't do partners as much as independent work; they were all better thinking separately and then conferring. And Kate—Kate preferred to work alone.

Jacobs and Hall were talking sports behind them. Each was over six feet tall, one with short, graying hair, and the other with longer blond hair that constantly fell into his eyes. But Kate wasn't one to judge about hair. Maybe she should get hers cut, to fit in with this group a bit more. She'd already stick out as the only woman, not that it was a problem. Women were just as good at everything as men were, and she didn't get the feeling that this team cared what gender she was.

As their evening wound to a close, Kate knew that her team not only worked on an equal level, but that they appreciated her femininity. Their only witness for the double murder/suicide they'd found at the back of a pawnshop had been a small child. The little girl stood in a corner and wouldn't come out for anyone but Kate, who had coaxed a few answers out of the frightened thing before gently handing her to her hysterical mother. That data, combined with the security cameras at the front of the shop had closed their case.

Lanie confirmed the contusions on the fingers of both shooters, along with the angle of the entry wounds. Four teenagers, forbidden from seeing each other, had taken a very Romeo and Juliet look at the world, and took their own lives. The girls shot the boys and then themselves, leaving a heap of bodies. The little girl, Lacie, had just happened to run into the back room of the store while her mother was at the front. The shopkeeper thought that boxes had fallen over, in place of shots, and had been so caught up speaking with the mother than neither realized the girl was gone until the shop assistant found the scene. Then the mother had run around frantically, refusing to look at the four bodies, and subsequently leaving her frightened child alone. It had left Kate feeling winded by the entire process. She hadn't expected to close her first case in a matter of hours.

At seven, the four detectives sat at their desks, arranged in a square, and stared at each other.

"Well, that's one way to break in a new member," Jacobs offered after a long silence. "Good work, Beckett."

"Thank you, Detective," she replied. Were pigs flying in hell? Jacobs had just complimented her. She had to fight a satisfied smile. They might just have a good relationship yet.

Grayson stretched his arms back over his chair. "And an easy close. It's been a good day."

"Should we head out; rest up for the next one?" Hall asked them as each one finished his or her paperwork.

"Damn straight," Jacobs replied. "See if we can't get something a bit more exciting for Beckett tomorrow. My first day? We had a triple homicide that turned into a serial."

"Oh yeah? My first day, we had a girl trussed up in a fishing net, thrown overboard by a bunch of kids who'd run her over," Hall offered.

The other three stared at him. "Bluff," Grayson laughed. "You stole that from _I Know What You Did Last Summer_."

"I don't remember anything like that," Jacobs added. "And I trained you."

Hall glared at them and then turned to look at Kate. "I'd hoped they'd pick on you," he said grumpily. "But you saved the day."

"Kids are easy," Kate shrugged.

"I see you've got one," Jacobs replied. "I didn't know you had a daughter before this," he continued.

"Some people do have private lives, Jacobs," Grayson interjected. "Just because you like to dig into ours to make sure we're not unhinged doesn't mean everyone broadcasts their own stuff."

Kate watched the interchange with interest. She'd always assumed that Jacobs was the head of the team, as feared by his detectives as he was by his uniforms. Apparently, he was just the interface. It seemed like Hall and Grayson were just as much a part of the decision making process as he was.

"It's okay," Kate laughed while the two men glared at each other. "Alexis is eight."

"Is she yours?" Hall asked with a small smile. "Come on, we want to know," he added as Grayson glared at him.

"She's my boyfriend's, actually," Kate offered. She wanted to like these guys, and fit in. Alexis was much more a part of her life than she had been when Kate had begrudgingly told Esposito about her nearly a year ago. And if they knew she had a kid, she'd get more leeway if anything ever came up. It would be very awkward to cut and run for a kid no one knew about.

"That Richard Castle guy, right?" Grayson asked, apparently too curious to keep up his protective act.

"Yes," Kate replied.

"Will we have to deal with that?" Jacobs asked. "You're in the paper every so often."

"Wedding dress shopping," Hall added with a grin. "When's the big day?"

Damn. She'd hoped they just hadn't seen the paper. But she was a detective, and a woman, and she could handle this. "Don't believe everything you read in the papers, Detective," she replied evenly, watching his face fall while the other two laughed. "And I suppose so, Detective Jacobs," she added, turning back to the graying man. "But it doesn't happen often, and I know that after this, Rick will have his agent on top of keeping me out of the papers for a while."

"That can't be good for his publicity," Hall said while Jacobs nodded thoughtfully.

"Depends," Kate shrugged. "The 'are they, or aren't they' angle gets more readers than you'd think."

"And are they?" Grayson asked, his green eyes twinkling.

"I thought you were a detective," she shot back, reaching up to rub her face with her bare left hand while she filled out the last line of her paperwork.

"I'm a detective," Grayson replied blankly. "But I'm not a mind reader."

"Oh, honestly, Gray," Jacobs sighed. "She's not wearing a ring, and I'm too tired for this. Go home, the three of you."

"Oh," Grayson said embarrassedly while Kate stood and shrugged back into her leather jacket, smirking.

"Have a good night, guys," she offered as she grabbed her keys and set off toward the elevators, waving to Ryan and Esposito, who were grinning at her, having listened in on the whole conversation.

She liked her new team. They were fun, in a different way, and it felt like they were off to a good start. But it wasn't the same as sitting around with Rysposito and Karpowski, talking theory and checking to see if they were right. Now she was at the head of the department, running the show. It was great, and she did feel accomplished, but perhaps it wasn't as much fun. She'd have to have the boys over for poker or something. Though, weren't they having a Madden night on Wednesday anyway?

Kate made her way home in sort of daze. She hadn't expected to close her first case in a matter of hours, much less to be the one to get conclusive evidence. Montgomery had even congratulated her on a first case well closed. She pulled into the garage at the loft and tiredly made her way upstairs. The murder hadn't been difficult, but it had been disturbing. Four young people had taken their lives, just because their parents said they couldn't date each other. They were only a year away from graduating as well. It was senseless. And that poor little girl that had seen it. Kate shook her head. Murder didn't make sense.

She opened the door to the loft and smiled as she heard the rush of small feet.

"You're home!" Alexis squealed, barreling into her as she closed the door.

"Hi, Lex," Kate smiled, dropping her keys into the bowl on the bureau as she hugged the girl with her free hand. "How are you?" she asked, guiding them away from the door and toward the kitchen, where Rick was putting the finishing touches on a very late dinner.

"I'm good," Alexis replied. "Go change so we can have dinner," she added.

"Hey," Rick offered as Alexis released her and scampered around to take the plates her father held out for her. "Good day?"

Kate nodded and simply walked around the counter to give him a kiss. "Tell you about it later. Dinner looks good."

"Thank you," he grinned, gently nudging her toward the office. "We're hungry."

"You didn't have to wait for me," she called as she walked into the office.

She heard both Castle protest and shook her head, quickly ridding herself of her gun and badge. She slipped out of her jacket and hung it up in the closet before shucking out of her work clothes and pulling on a pair of sweats and a tank top. She grabbed a light sweater and then took the pins out of her hair, letting it cascade down her back. She wanted to cut it, but she loved it long. She loved braiding it and playing with it, and she especially loved how Rick played with it whenever he could, just toying with it for no reason. She'd never enjoyed having men play with her hair, or toy with her fingers, or constantly touch her, but with Rick, she loved it. She loved that he just wanted to touch her, not arouse her, not toy with her—just touch her.

"Ka-ate," Alexis called exasperatedly.

Kate laughed and returned to the kitchen, where the two of them were already sitting at the table. Rick was laughing and Alexis was grinning as she tried to reach for her plate and her father moved it away.

"Let the child eat," Kate admonished, running a hand across his back as she sat down next to him and reached for her own fork. "Thank you for dinner," she added, eagerly popping a piece of penne into her mouth. He'd made pasta carbonara for them, and Kate hadn't realized just how hungry she was until she caught the scent. "You really didn't need to wait."

"But we like having dinner with you," Alexis told her around a mouthful.

"Manners," Rick admonished.

Alexis nodded and swallowed. "Sorry," she offered before taking another bite.

"I like having dinner with you guys too," Kate told her. "But I won't always get home so early, and I might forget to let your Dad know when I'm coming back."

"We'll figure it out," Rick interjected.

"Did you have a good first day?" Alexis asked a few minutes later.

"I did. We closed our case at five, and then it was just paperwork," Kate replied.

"You closed a case?" Rick grinned. "In one day?"

"It wasn't complicated," Kate shrugged, unwilling to give any more details with Alexis sitting across the table. "But yeah."

"That's awesome," he replied.

"I think so too," Alexis offered.

"Thank you," Kate smiled. "But enough about me. What did you do at school today?"

"We measured our bean plants and talked about the Revolutionary War," Alexis replied easily. "It wasn't really interesting, but it wasn't boring either."

"How tall is your bean plant?" Kate asked.

"Four inches," Alexis replied proudly. "It's the tallest in the class."

"Why's that?" Rick wondered.

"Cause I feed it and I talk to it. The plant book Grandpa Jim gave me told me that I should talk to it, and I do when we do the project."

"Grandpa Jim gave you a plant book?" Kate wondered aloud.

"You weren't here the last time he came over," Alexis giggled. "We went out to the park."

"Oh," Kate replied, a bit miffed. Did her father come over often when she wasn't around?

"He comes once a week," Rick told her. "Meant to mention it but forgot. He called earlier, actually. Wanted to know how your first day went, but he's got a meeting tonight."

"Right," Kate bobbed her head. When had her father developed a better relationship with Rick than he had with her?

"You're just not around as much," Rick added. "Don't sweat it. He'd like to have dinner this weekend though, if you've got time."

"I should have Saturday night off," Kate replied.

"Do you get Sunday off too?" Alexis piped up.

"I get the morning off. Then I'm on call for the rest of the afternoon."

"So you could potentially get the whole day off?" Rick asked.

She didn't want to say yes. Would it make her into Meredith if she promised the day and then had to beg off for work? How did it work now? "I…"

"Can we have brunch and then watch a movie, so if you have to leave, we can finish it later?" Alexis asked.

Kate looked across at her and smiled. Leave it to Alexis to save the day. "That sounds perfect, honey."

Alexis beamed back. "Cool."

Kate yawned and leaned back in her chair as she finished her meal. "Looks like someone's tired," Rick observed as he stood and took their plates.

"No, just…yeah," Kate finished on a small laugh. "Long day."

"Wanna watch some TV?" Alexis asked. "You can lie down."

"That sounds good, Alexis," Kate replied, standing stiffly and offering her hand to the little girl as she came around the table. "Do you want help with th…"

Rick's glare was answer enough and Kate allowed Alexis to pull her into the living room and down onto the couch. She lay down and smiled as Alexis cuddled in next to her, switching the TV over to a rerun of _Friends_, a show Alexis enjoyed because she liked Chandler's jokes.

"I'm glad you got to come home early," the little girl offered a few minutes later.

"Me too, Lex," Kate told her as she fiddled with a strand of the girl's long hair.

"Do you like your new job?"

"I do." She did. She wasn't quite used to it yet, and she knew she'd be getting her sea legs for a while, but she enjoyed it.

"I'm glad," Alexis said quietly.

"Thank you, munchkin," Kate smiled, leaning down to kiss the girl's forehead before she sank further into the couch, lulled by Alexis' warm body.

"There's no room for me on this couch," Rick complained as he joined them in the living room.

"Girls together," Alexis mumbled sleepily as they looked up at him.

"What she said," Kate added, smiling at her boyfriend, who just didn't seem to be able to look affronted.

He gave a put-upon sigh and settled down on the floor in front of them, leaning his head back so that he could look at Kate. "It's never boys together."

"We're not boys," Alexis said indignantly.

"That is a problem," Kate added, laughing.

"Maybe I need to have a boy, then," Rick murmured.

Everyone fell silent for a second. Kate stared at Rick and he stared back. They hadn't discussed children. They'd talked about marriage. They'd talked about money. But they hadn't talked kids. Alexis shifted next to her and Kate automatically cuddled the girl closer.

"Are you pregnant, Kate?" Alexis asked very quietly.

"No, Sweetie," Kate replied, giving Rick a look. He shouldn't have said that in front of his daughter. That just wasn't fair to any of them.

"Oh," Alexis offered.

Kate glanced down and found the little girl chewing on her lip. "What's wrong, Alexis?" She might kill Rick, who looked rather perturbed with himself. Good.

"I don't know if I want you to be or not," the little girl replied.

"What do you mean?" Rick asked, running his fingers through Kate's hair, whether to calm her or himself, Kate was unsure.

"I want a little brother or little sister," Alexis said slowly. "But…"

"But?" Kate asked gently. Oh, God, they were having this conversation? Why wasn't there space between these talks? They'd _just_ had the Mommy talk. Was there no time for some relaxation in this family?

"But I want you all to myself," she whispered.

"Oh," Kate smiled and found the little girl's hand. "I'm all yours, honey. For a long time, I promise."

She glanced at Rick, realizing that she'd just made a decision without him. She hadn't meant to, but the words had fallen out. Honestly, she wasn't ready to have children. And when she met his eyes, she found him smiling softly. Perhaps he wasn't ready either.

"I was just kidding, Lexi," he added, caressing Kate's ear with his fingers. "We're not having a baby any time soon."

"Okay," she replied.

They were silent for a long moment, while Ross and Rachel had a screaming match. Kate glanced at Rick and he gave her an apologetic smile. "Sorry," he mouthed.

Kate was too tired to be angry, and too touched by Alexis' words to hold onto the argument for another time. "Don't do it again," she offered silently.

He nodded and leaned up to kiss her, careful not to jostle the little girl falling asleep against her chest. He pulled away and rested his head next to hers, looking down at his daughter.

"I'm glad you had a good day," he whispered.

Kate glanced at Alexis and found her asleep already, her stomach rising and falling in a steady rhythm beneath Kate's hand. "Thanks," she whispered back.

"Tough case?"

"Sad, but I got us the evidence to close it. By the way, never let Alexis wander off in a store."

Rick blinked at her. "Kind of part of parenting 101," he replied, confused.

Kate smiled and rubbed a hand over Alexis' stomach. "You'd think," she murmured.

He considered her for a moment, watching as she stared at Alexis. "Why don't I get her up to bed and you go hop in the tub? I'll come join you and you can tell me all about it, and then I can tell you about Paula."

Right, she'd forgotten about that. "Okay," she replied. Rick stood and then picked his daughter up, carrying her effortlessly toward the stairs.

Kate watched them go, smiling softly. Would he look that good carrying a small load, wrapped in blankets and wearing footie pajamas? No, not tonight. She needed sleep, and a ring, and the dress and—just not tonight. Slowly, she got off of the couch and wandered into their room and through to the bathroom. She started the bath and stripped down. She went about using the toilet and brushing her teeth, even though it was only nine.

She was tired, and that conversation with Alexis had just sapped everything out of her. It wasn't that she was averse to the idea, per se. But she wasn't sure when she'd be ready to have children. She certainly wasn't ready now, and even in a few years it would interfere with her career. Though, to be fair, she'd get leave and Rick would stay home with the kids. Oh, God, they'd have children, plural.

Kate sank into the bath, trying to wrap her head around the idea of Alexis having a sibling. A child would grow in her body and she'd have to push it out. She was too tired, too confused, and too young to think about this right now. So she pushed it from her head in lieu of enjoying the warm water and gentle lighting of the bathroom.

"Hey," Rick greeted as he came in and shut the door.

"Hi," she managed, insanely relaxed, now that she'd found it in herself not to freak out.

"You look comfy," he observed, kneeling down against the edge of the bath.

"I'd be more comfy if you were in here too," she replied, cracking an eye open to watch as his face lit up.

He stripped quickly and she scooted forward so he could slip in behind her. His arms snaked out to draw her back against his chest and she slumped against him, his strong chest far more comfortable than the porcelain edge of the tub. She leaned her head back against his shoulder and looked up at him.

"How was your day?" she asked, twining their fingers together on her stomach.

"Aside from the moment when I shoved my whole leg down my throat a few minutes ago? Good," he replied. "Sorry about that."

"We're not talking about it tonight," she declared.

He laughed. "Ah, good strategy. Then the day was good."

"I'm glad. Paula's got everything squared away?"

He nodded and leaned down to meet her lips in a brief kiss. "We're 'will they or won't they'-ing for a while."

"Fun," Kate offered. "Thank you for taking care of it."

"My pleasure," he smiled. "Now, tell me about your day. You closed the case?"

"Double murder/suicide," she explained. "Two sets of teenagers killed themselves because their parents didn't want them to date. They snuck into the warehouse of a pawnshop and the girls shot the guys before killing themselves."

"Yeesh," Rick groaned. "Messy?"

Kate shrugged. "No more than any other shooting. There was a little girl in the room, though."

"Oh." His hands tightened against her stomach. "That's why you don't want Alexis running off."

"Right. I had to coax her out of the corner and it was her confirmation of the shooting that let us close the case, as soon as Lanie's evidence verified it."

"And the mother?" he asked softly.

"Talking to the owner up front. Didn't even notice her daughter was gone, and they thought the shots were falling stock."

"Wow," he whistled. "So, _you_ really closed the case."

Kate nodded shyly. It didn't seem like a big deal, but his smile was so proud. She'd never had someone to come home to after a case—someone who would be proud of her.

"That's awesome," he added, squeezing her against him. "Bet you knocked their socks off."

She smiled and turned to kiss his neck. "They're not so bad. Jacobs is gruff, but easy, and Grayson and Hall are kind of the grown-up version of Esposito and Ryan."

Rick laughed. "I bet they love you."

"They're more interested in my love life, at the moment, and my personal life, but yeah, I think we'll get along."

"Should I worry that you'll leave me for one of them? You know, since they'll see you more than I do most days?"

She glanced up at him. He didn't look serious. She hoped he wasn't serious. "I'm happy where I am," she replied softly, squeezing his hands. "I don't want to go home to work. I just want to go home at the end of the day."

He grinned. "Well, welcome home, Detective."

"Just Kate," she whispered, closing her eyes and breathing him in.

"Welcome home, Kate," he amended, leaning his head against hers. "Most kick ass girlfriend ever."

When she'd come home from her first day as a beat cop, she'd collapsed on her sofa and passed out, hungry, tired and filthy. Tonight, she was fed, comfortable, and lounging in a bath with her boyfriend while his lips fluttered over her face. She smiled and then laughed as he tickled her stomach before wrapping his ankles around hers and pulling her closer. So this was what it was like to come _home_ after a long day first day.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: So, this was kind of a day in the new life. I felt like Kate's first day deserved its own chapter, and I'm pretty happy with what it turned into. Let me know what you thought. There's much more coming up.<strong>

**You guys are amazing, and I'm so glad that so many of you are enjoying this story. Welcome, too, to everyone who's just catching up. I've been getting a bunch of reviews from people who are making their way through the story, and I'm really excited for them to finish. It's an accomplishment. This story is LONG, and getting longer every time.**

**Okay, enough of my author's manifesto.**

**Emma**


	30. Chapter 30

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Maybe I'm Stana Katic. Wouldn't that be cool? Hehe, I wish. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. –New summary. What do you think?**

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><p><strong>Chapter 30:<strong>

"Now, I need you to stay calm about this," Kate beseeched him as she led their little group down to the lobby.

"Dear, you're just going to make him more excited," Martha offered behind them as the elevator lowered them to the ground floor.

"I still can't believe you haven't told him yet, Katiebug," Jim added while Alexis swung on his hand.

"I thought you didn't have secrets," the girl said brightly.

"I'm happy with secrets if they become awesome Birthday presents," Rick replied. "And can this thing go any slower?"

Kate merely shook her head. She knew he'd love it, and, admittedly, once she'd calmed down enough to think about getting him a present, this was probably the perfect one. She'd been so caught up in the move and her new position that his birthday had hit her like a freight train about two days ago, and she'd been absolutely hysterical. How could she have _forgotten_ his birthday? He'd never have forgotten hers. She'd felt horrible, until Madison casually mentioned that her lease was ending, and she better get _everything_ out of her apartment.

The rest was history, and all it took was one sharp intake of breath as they hit the sidewalk to know that this was indeed the perfect present. She turned to look at Rick and found him standing there, eyes wide and excited as the little family stared at her '94 Harley Softail.

"You have a motorcycle?" he managed, his voice a good two octaves higher than it normally was.

"Did I forget to mention that?" she asked innocently, biting her lip while their parents laughed in the background.

Rick turned to look at her and tried to glare, but failed, still too excited by the new information to gather composure. "You did."

"So sorry," she replied. "But, I mean, I can understand if you're too angry to go for a ride."

She didn't think he could look more excited, but she was deeply mistaken. He flung himself on her and found her lips in a smacking, wet kiss. Alexis giggled behind them and Kate worked to keep them standing.

"I'll take that as a, 'please, Kate. Can we go for my Birthday ride?' then?"

"Please, Kate," he growled into her ear. "Can we go for my _first_ Birthday ride?"

"Rick," she laughed, pushing him away as he leered at her. "We're with the family. Come on." Honestly. Though, to be fair, the look he was giving her did ignite tingles. Oh, they were so pathetic sometimes.

"Go so you can come back," Alexis exclaimed.

They turned to look at her, standing between their parents, swinging their hands back and forth. "Well, you heard the child," Rick laughed. "Take me for a Birthday ride."

Kate blew a kiss to Alexis and then produced two helmets from the back of the bike, handing one to Rick before securing her own on her head. They were both dressed well enough to ride, and Rick was positively bouncing, his hands fisting and unclenching in excitement.

"Okay. You hold onto me, lean when I lean, and don't do anything stupid," she instructed.

"Got it," he grinned, watching as she straddled the bike. He climbed up behind her and pulled himself flush against her back, wrapping his arms securely around her waist.

"We'll be back in twenty, you guys. Why don't you meet us upstairs?" Kate suggested, waiting for Martha's nod before she released the clutch and revved the engine. "Ready, Writer Man?" she asked, tilting her head back to stare into the visor of his helmet.

"Definitely," he called, his voice reaching her in a whisper over the roar of the engine.

She nodded once, flipped her visor down, and took off, zipping into a gap in the oncoming traffic. His grip tightened around her waist and she heard him let out a whoop of enthusiasm as they swung around the corner through the green light. He leaned with her as they moved, his hands strong against her stomach and chest firm against her back as he rested his head next to hers on her shoulder.

When Maddy'd suggested it, Kate had been rather shocked that she'd never mentioned the bike before. Then again, she hadn't ridden in nearly a year before she'd met Rick. When her mother had died, she'd spent a few months riding recklessly, almost daring herself to crash in her darkest moments. Once she'd started therapy, it was the first thing to go, and she'd barely touched it since. But Rick, from the yells of excitement she could barely distinguish, was having the time of his life. And with him wrapped around her, there was no way she'd ever think of crashing.

She smiled into the sun as they stopped at a red light. His presence in her life would keep her from ever sinking that deep again. She knew if she even came close to that despair, he'd be right there with her, holding her close and forcing her to find the light again. It was a kind of safety she hadn't realized she'd lacked, and it warmed her heart and spread a beatific smile across her face, hidden by her helmet.

"This is awesome!" she heard him exclaim as they pulled out with the cars around them, passing through a busy intersection, Kate zipping between the slow-moving cars. It wasn't reckless; it was calculated.

Though, as she felt Rick's grip tighten, she realized that perhaps their meter for reckless driving was different. She fell in behind a sedan and contented herself with the feel of his arms and the weight of his body against hers. They'd have to do this more often. She'd forgotten how liberating riding was—how it freed her from the stress of life and her job.

She'd gladly ride them all over Manhattan, but they had a little girl and their parents waiting back at home. And so she reluctantly turned them around and sped back to the loft, laughing as Rick's yell of, "One more block!" reached her ears when they pulled into the garage. Kate shook her head, bumping her helmet gently against his while they slowly rolled into the parking spot she'd purchased earlier in the day.

When they'd pulled to a halt, she reached up, removed her helmet, and watched as Rick tugged his off. She was about to ask his opinion of the trip, but was caught off guard as he leaned around her to draw her into a fiery kiss. She clutched at his arms to keep her balance and twisted as much as she was able, bringing one hand up to fist into his hair as his tongue swirled over hers. Her body continued to vibrate with the aftereffects of the ride and she had half a mind to drag him over to a secluded corner and do something completely publicly indecent.

"That," he panted as they pulled apart some minutes later, "was incredible. Why haven't we done that before?"

Kate breathed heavily and leaned back against him. "I…I just never…never thought about it," she managed as she regained the ability to think clearly. "It's not something I do very often."

"Wasn't," he corrected, leaning down to kiss her neck as his hands moved to the tops of her thighs, dragging his fingers against her jeans. "Wasn't something you did. We're doing that again sometime soon."

Kate laughed and wrapped her arms around his head behind her. "Is that so?"

"I am the Birthday Boy," he growled into her ear. "And I proclaim it so."

She smiled and then dropped her hands to rest on top of his. "Happy Birthday, Birthday Boy," she said quietly.

"Best present ever," he told her, a huge smile heard through his words.

"We should get upstairs," she offered a minute later, as they simply sat there, him wrapped around her on the stationary bike.

He sighed but nodded against her cheek and reluctantly let her up. She stood and extended her hands for him, taking his as he stepped off the bike and then stooped to pick up their helmets. They each tucked the headgear under an elbow and Rick took her hand, guiding her into the building and to the waiting elevator. Once inside, he backed her up into the corner and leaned down to press his lips to hers. This kiss was languid and full of feeling, their lips moving together slowly, consumingly. After a moment, he pulled back and smiled at her as she looked up at him.

"Thank you."

She smiled and reached up to run her thumb along his cheek with her free hand. "Thank you." His eyebrows rose and he turned his head to kiss her palm in question. "I haven't ridden since that first year, not really," she admitted quietly. "And…I can now."

He searched her eyes for a moment before she saw his widen with understanding. She heard the clatter of his helmet as it hit the floor while his hands came up to cradle her cheeks. He leaned down to press his forehead to hers, staring into her eyes.

"You did that for me?" he asked, his voice rough with restrained emotion.

The doors dinged open, but neither moved. Kate tried to formulate a response. It wasn't that she'd done it for him, rather that she'd done it because she wasn't afraid of herself anymore. She didn't feel like she would fall into that dark corner, listening to the tiny voice that just wanted everything to end. She didn't hear that voice anymore—didn't wake up in the middle of the night wondering what the point of living was. Now, when she awoke from a nightmare, she found his face in the dark and felt his breath wash across her skin. Now, she was safe and loved and so near to finding a solid peace with everything that had happened.

"I'm…" she took a deep breath. "I'm not afraid anymore," she whispered, hesitantly lifting her eyes to meet his. It sounded so small. She hadn't told him, in the beginning, just how much she'd been waiting for that shoe to drop. She hadn't said, when they'd met, how every morning she wondered if she'd fall backward, as if all of the healing she'd done could be ripped away by the wrong words, or sounds, or smells.

She distantly registered that the doors had closed again, but the look in his eyes was far too distracting to notice anything else. He was simply staring at her, his mouth parted and eyes probing hers, caught somewhere between love and concern.

"Kate," he murmured.

She rubbed her hands up and down his sides and smiled. "Now it's just a ride, Rick."

"But before?" he whispered, drinking in the sight of her, as if she'd just slip away.

It occurred to her that she's scared him, somehow. She hadn't meant to. She'd been trying to share something _good_. "Hey, I'm here," she assured him, raising a hand to cover his on her cheek. "Happy and healthy."

"I just…don't you dare…are you…I want to…I'm so glad you're here," he finished and her heart clenched. She hadn't meant to do this.

"I'm sorry," she murmured. "This was supposed to be a good thing—the best present ever. Cheer up, Birthday Boy," she added, smiling at him, trying to get him to return to his excitement.

He shook his head. "No, you," he leaned in and kissed her gently. "You are the best present ever. You just being here is…" he trailed off and stared at her again, measuring his next words. "If you ever feel like you're falling, _tell me_. I'm here and I'm not going to let you go through anything alone, okay?" She nodded, unable to find her voice. "Tell me about it, someday?" he asked after a moment.

"I…I don't…" she started, taking a second to swallow. "Why?"

"Because it's part of you, and it's something I never even thought to ask about," he replied, his voice low. "And I should have."

"Rick," she admonished. "When you met me, all of that was over."

"But I never thought to…"

"Hey," she pressed her fingers to his lips. "First, this is not birthday talk." He smiled lightly beneath her hand. "And second, you didn't need to. Just…I'm going to be sappy, and you're going to be kind about it," she warned, dropping her hand to wait for confirmation.

"I'm not going to tease you. Not for this," he assured her, bringing one hand around to cradle the back of her head, massaging his fingers down through her hair.

"Just knowing you and Alexis helped me stay out of everything and I'm so happy, Rick. So very happy, and that's because of you," she paused and smiled as the worry washed off his face. "And I'll tell you about it someday, but not today."

"Okay," he replied, drawing her in so that he could crush her against him in a tight hug, his arm encircling her back while his hand pressed her head to his shoulder.

She kissed his neck and wrapped her arms around his waist. "We should get back to the loft," she murmured. "What floor are we on, now?"

He tilted his head back and gave a small chuckle. "Elevator hasn't moved. Must be a slow day." He turned back and gave her a slow squeeze before releasing her and stepping backward, stooping to pick up their helmets. She couldn't remember having dropped hers. "Come on, let's go make sure our parents haven't corrupted our child."

Kate leaned into him as he wrapped his free arm around her, deciding to simply let the 'our child,' comment pass. She didn't dislike it. She didn't feel uncomfortable with the phrase. In fact, it warmed her chest to hear it and she couldn't hide the smile that bloomed across her face. But she was tired of serious talk and merely wanted to get back to his Birthday. Her boyfriend was 31. How odd.

"You're old," she offered as she reached the door.

He laughed and bent his head down to kiss her forehead. "I am the young soul in this relationship, thank you very much."

"You'll be an old man while I'm still in my mid-life crisis," she continued as he opened the door.

"All the better for me," he replied. "I'll be that geezer with the hot wife."

(…)

A few weeks later, Kate found that she was indeed the old soul of their house. She left for work before the sun was up and returned late into the night, tired and aching. When she wasn't working until the wee hours, she fell asleep like an elderly woman, passing out during movies or falling asleep at Rick's desk as she poured over evidence.

Her family took it in stride. Rick was always waiting with a glass of wine and a smile, and Alexis was happy to take Kate's time when she could get it. Kate herself was content, if not a little irritated by how little time she spent at home. Then again, she was finally doing what she'd been dreaming of for nearly five years, and that nearly dulled the pain of only getting a few hours a day with Rick and Alexis.

It seemed like a perfect plan, until she woke in the middle of the night, startled by a quiet snuffle.

"Momma?" a tiny voice whispered.

"Lex?" Kate asked blearily, blinking in the low light of their bedroom. The little girl stood near her head, her pale face blotchy, with tears trailing down her cheeks as she shifted from foot to foot. "What's the matter, honey?"

"I…I had a bad dream," Alexis replied, biting her lip. "And…and I…"

"Oh, Sweetie, come here," Kate beckoned. Rick had rolled away sometime in the night, and Kate scooted backward so that there was space next to her along the side of the bed.

Alexis stared at her for a moment and then hesitantly climbed into the bed with her, curling up against her side as Kate ran her hand up and down the girl's back. She let out a low breath and tried to focus on the task at hand, in place of the sinking guilt she felt. Alexis snuffled and buried her head into the hollow of Kate's neck.

"The…the ghosts came and took…took you away and I ran and…and ran but I could…couldn't reach you and then," one of her hands wound into the tank top Kate wore. "Then you were a ghost too and you were gone and Daddy wasn't there and I couldn't find _anybody_," the girl recounted tearfully.

"We're right here, baby," Kate promised, doing her best to sound comforting. She hadn't the slightest clue of how to talk a child out of a nightmare. She hadn't even realized that it was so easy to give a child nightmares. And now she felt the fool and the villain wrapped up in one.

The arm that wrapped around them didn't help as Rick's chin came to rest on her shoulder. She'd done this. She'd been the one to give the okay on that stupid film, and now they had a shaking, terrified little girl in their bed. Was it really so easy to screw up?

When Paige's father had called her that afternoon, in the middle of a harried search through a dead woman's financials, Kate had thought very little of giving her permission for Alexis to watch a movie. She'd barely heard the title, now that she thought about it, and had given her consent without any premeditation. It was only when they'd been sitting at the dinner table, a rare occurrence these days, that Kate had realized that perhaps she'd made a mistake.

'

_"What did you do today, Pumpkin?" Rick asked while they ate spaghetti._

_ "We watched _The Sixth Sense_," Alexis replied. "It was scary."_

_ Rick blinked and Kate paused as she raised her fork to her mouth. She's given Alexis permission to watch that? Was that what Paige's father had asked? Alexis was _eight!

_ "You…Alexis, you know that you have to ask before you watch movies that are higher than PG," Rick admonished, not quite stern, yet not as soft as Kate was used to._

_ "We called Kate," Alexis shrugged, taking another happy bite. "I liked the ending."_

_ "Paige's father called you?" he asked, turning to look at her._

_ "I…yeah," Kate sighed. "And I thought," she paused. She wasn't about to say that she'd been too distracted to really understand what she was allowing in front of Alexis. "I didn't remember it being too bad," she offered._

_ Rick's face didn't twitch. He looked completely relaxed, but his eyes dulled and she felt her stomach plummet. Obviously, it was a scary movie, and Alexis was young, but was it such a big deal? Kate had watched scary movies as a child. She used to love them._

_ After a moment, Rick turned away from her and faced his daughter. "So, you liked the movie?"_

_ "I wasn't expecting the end," Alexis nodded. "So yeah, it was a good story. It was really creepy though."_

_ "Too creepy?" he asked, with that same lilt to his voice. Kate couldn't quite peg it for one specific emotion, but it sounded protectively paternal._

_ "No," Alexis replied slowly. "I don't think so."_

_ "Okay, well, I'm…glad you enjoyed it," he concluded, smiling at his daughter. _

_ They went about dinner just like always, joking and laughing with each other, but Rick's eyes stayed that dulled color, devoid of his usual sparkle. What had she done? Kate just couldn't figure it out. Something was wrong, but she couldn't decide what it was. Alexis seemed fine, scary movie or no, and she was happily telling them all about school and her bean plant. _

_ When dinner ended, Alexis went up to her room to do homework, and Rick began clearing plates, his body tense. Kate stood slowly, watching her boyfriend as he moved around the room with measured strides._

_ "Rick?" she asked quietly, bringing the pot over to the sink where he was washing plates, the water sloshing more than normal as he forcefully scrubbed at a fork._

_ "You gave Alexis permission to watch a PG-13 movie?" he asked, his focus settled on the dishes. _

_ Kate leaned against the counter. "Yes," she said quietly._

_ "Because you honestly believed that it wouldn't frighten her?" he continued._

_ "She seems fine," Kate hedged. She wasn't sure where this was going, but he was making her uneasy._

_ "With all of the lights on and both of us here, yes, she's fine," Rick grunted. "Give it a few hours."_

_ Kate stared at him as he plopped a dish into the drainer. "Alexis gets nightmares?" He nodded. "I didn't know."_

_ "But you assumed that it was fine for an eight-year-old to watch a movie that gave even me the heebie geebies?" he asked, finally turning to look at her, no longer stoic. He looked angry and Kate didn't blame him._

_ "I…" she sighed and closed her eyes for a moment. The few times he'd screwed up in the last year, she'd called him on it. Those had been acceptable mistakes. He'd been confronted with his ex-wife and been angry and hurt. And what was her excuse? She'd been too busy to pay attention. _

_ "He called you at work?" Rick asked, dumping the pot into the sink and filling it with water while he waited for her to bite the bullet._

_ "Yes," she replied tiredly. "And we were right on the cusp of a close, and I didn't…" she pinched the bridge of her nose. "I screwed up and said yes without really paying attention, alright?" It came out more accusatory than apologetic and she bit her lip and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry," she added softly._

_ He bobbed his head. "Did you close the case?"_

_ She nodded. "Yeah. But that doesn't…"_

_ "No, it doesn't," he agreed. "But it's done."_

_ "I'm sorry. I didn't know she got nightmares," Kate continued. "And I just…It was so crazy. Do you think it'll be a problem?"_

_ He met her eyes tiredly and in that moment, Kate realized just how much work being a parent actually was. In all the time she'd known them, he'd been the heavy. Even now, living with them, he was the real parent. Kate was mostly just there for the fun. She got movies and books and the occasional cry, but never the discipline or the arguments. She wasn't there enough. And he'd done it basically alone for eight years._

_ "It probably will," he sighed, rubbing a hand over his face. "But, it happens."_

_ "No," Kate shook her head and slumped against the counter. "I should have paid more attention."_

_ He gave her a soft smile. "Really, it happens," he assured her, wiping his hands before he took a few steps and stood in front of her. "We all get distracted."_

_ "So it's okay to give her nightmares because I was too busy to take two seconds and think something through?" she argued, shaking her head. "That's horrible."_

_ "It's not _okay_," he chuckled, reaching out to catch the hand that was picking at her cuticle. "But it will be okay, and if she has nightmares, they'll pass, Kate. You haven't done lasting damage to her psyche."_

_ She looked up and met his eyes. "I'm sorry."_

_ He shrugged and leaned in to give her a lingering kiss. "This part sucks, but it'll be alright."_

_ He pulled her into a hug and she breathed against him. He was right. It definitely sucked._

'

"Hey there, munchkin," Rick whispered as he ran a hand through his daughter's hair and pressed himself up against Kate's back. "Did you have a nightmare?"

Alexis nodded and glanced up at him. "I couldn't find you," she whispered.

"We're right here," he promised, echoing Kate's words. "And you're perfectly safe. Do you believe me?"

Alexis nodded and cuddled closer to Kate as Rick cradled them both against him. Kate closed her eyes for a moment and was hit with the memory of climbing into her parents' bed as a child, woken by nightmares from the very scary movies she'd thought she'd loved.

Alexis shuddered again and Kate bent to kiss her forehead. "You know, when I was little and I had a bad dream, my mommy used to sing to me," Kate said quietly, waiting until Alexis looked up at her. "And I'd sing along, and sometimes that would make the dream go away."

"Really?"

Kate nodded. "Do you want to try?" she asked, smiling slightly as she felt Rick kiss her neck. She could fix this. She'd caused the pain, and now she had to find a way to sooth it. And she remembered, remembered lying in her mother's arms as they sang together, sometimes waking her father, and sometimes singing in whispers, just the two of them.

She also remembered the first nightmare she'd had after her mother had died. She'd laid in her bed, fighting the urge to crawl into her parents' room and curl up against the pillow her mother would never use. She'd stayed awake all night, humming _Blackbird_ to herself while she cried, trying vainly to recreate a memory she'd never have again.

She'd never have it with her mother, but now she'd have it with Alexis, and with Rick there wrapped around them. "Blackbird singing in the dead of night," she began, smiling as Alexis' soft voice joined hers. "Take these broken wings and learn to fly."

Rick's low baritone joined their voices and the three of them sang into the darkness, Rick's chest rising and falling against her back as Alexis' breath washed over her shoulder. Alexis snuggled closer and her voice drifted out as they neared the end of the song, until it was just Rick and Kate's melody hanging into the silence.

"She asleep?" Rick whispered after a minute.

Was this what it was like to sing a child to sleep? Kate couldn't remember having sung Alexis a lullaby before. If they had more children, would they do this nightly? Would there be little feet and tearful faces interrupting their nights with dreams and fears? Would they climb into bed and cuddle next to her just like this, _needing_ her?

"Yeah," Kate replied after a moment, her fingers toying with the fabric of the little nightgown Alexis wore.

"I'll take her up," Rick murmured before he shifted away and got out of bed, shuffling around to stand in front of them.

"Up?" Kate asked dumbly.

Rick gave her a soft, knowing smile. "She's cuddly right now, but in a month, when she refuses to sleep through a night without climbing in here with us, it'll be different. You can hug her in the morning."

Kate just watched as he gently picked up his daughter and walked her out of the room, the little girl's head lolling onto his chest. She'd given Alexis nightmares because she'd been careless. But the warmth she felt for soothing her fears was confusing. She shouldn't be happy that her little girl was so scared that she climbed into their bed. But she was. But she shouldn't be.

Kate sighed and sat up against the headboard, pulling her knees up to her chest. She didn't know what to think. She knew she'd be paying diligent attention anytime she got a phone call now. Other than that, she had no conclusive information from this entire experience. Was it really so easy to harm your kid? A careless decision, a moment of distraction—was that really all it took to give her nightmares or make her worry? Kate didn't like that kind of power. But she did like being able to fix her mistakes. Then again, how many times would Alexis wake up with nightmares from this one movie? And what if it was something worse the next time? What if she stumbled across case files, or overheard Kate telling Rick about a gruesome murder?

She stared around their room, her fingers twisting into the comforter she'd pulled up over her legs. Her head fell back and she looked at the ceiling, chewing on her lip, mulling everything over. The bed sagged by her hip a few minutes later and she lifted her head to meet Rick's eyes in the dim light filtering up from the street through the window.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. It felt hollow, but it was all she had.

He smiled. "That lullaby trick? Genius," he replied easily, placing a hand on her knee. "She'll be just fine."

"I just…I…" Kate sighed and shook her head. "I'm feeling a bit lost, here. Why aren't you more upset?"

He climbed over her to settle next to her against the pillows. His arm fell over her shoulders and he pulled her into his side. She braced herself for…something, but his quiet, calm voice wasn't what she expected. "When she was two, I made the mistake of telling her all about one of the plots for my books."

"What?" Kate asked, turning to look at him. "Really?"

He chuckled. "She would just sit there and listen to me talk, endlessly, and I guess, in that moment, I was so excited that I didn't think it through," he bent and kissed her forehead. "She climbed in with us for _weeks_ after that," he sighed. "Everyone makes mistakes, Kate. And you've never had a daughter before. I remember what that's like."

"You know, it's annoying how perfect you are, sometimes," she replied, leaning into him.

He laughed and she felt herself smiling. "I'm saving that one."

"You do that," she sighed, reaching down to lay her hand on his thigh. "You don't have a manual or anything, do you? _How To Be a Better Parent_?"

"You're a great parent," he assured her, shifting so that he could look at her. "And Kate, you're beating yourself up so much about _this_? Kind of gives me confidence that you're not planning to massively screw up, you know?"

"I'll work on that for you," she said quietly. "I can't make any promises."

He smiled and leaned in to press his lips to hers, shifting them down so that she lay on her back and he braced himself above her. "I'm good with what I've got."

(…)

In early May, Kate looked up and found Rick standing in the doorway to the office. "Hey," she said quietly, smiling as he scrubbed at his face.

"Why are you up? You've got an…an hour," he managed around a yawn.

"I had a thought about the case, but I didn't want to skip out on breakfast to run to the Precinct, so," she gestured to the desk, over which she'd spread about thirty photos and note cards, turning it into a sort of murder board.

"We should get you a whiteboard," Rick offered as he came to stand beside her. "You think it was the bellboy?"

"No," she shook her head, rearranging a few cards. "I think the bellboy might have gotten onto the conspiracy when he overheard something, and then they paid him off. I got a warrant for his financials yesterday and the data came in a few minutes ago. He'd definitely gotten a pay-off in the last month."

"So the bellboy gets a pay-off, but doesn't keep his mouth shut?"

"He might have let on to his boss, and that would have gotten Crawley killed."

Rick stared at her evidence. "Makes sense, but then why wouldn't they have gone after the bellboy?" he asked, bending forward to get a better look.

"Because he had the pay-off. I'm betting that they don't know it was the kid."

"So why do you think it was?"

Kate sighed. "It didn't make sense for me. We couldn't find any proof that Crawley had an informant, so it had to be one of our other suspects, and Hiroth, the bellboy, is the only one with that kind of access." She leaned back and stretched, Rick's large shirt shifting over her body as she did. His office was certainly more comfortable than her chair at the Precinct.

"Did you just crack the case?" Rick asked, laying his hand across her shoulders and squeezing the back of her neck in a gentle massage.

She looked up at him. "Might have, but it's not pressing. We'll need to get surveillance in anyway, and I can't reach them until seven."

His eyes lit up and he pulled away gleefully. "Does that mean I can make a big breakfast?"

She shook her head. "Sure," she replied. "You're so excited by that."

"Hey, I barely get to feed you. Let me have my fun," he grinned.

Kate stood slowly and moved around him, sauntering back to the bedroom. Rick wasn't the only one who could enjoy a rare morning of leisure, even if they had to lose sleep to get it. "Well, you can have fun making breakfast. I'm going to shower."

She looked over her shoulder as she reached the door to the bedroom and found him standing in the middle of the room, obviously conflicted. "But…"

"What?" she asked, turning to lean against the doorjamb, resting one foot against the wood and arching her back. "I've got at least an hour. That's enough time for a long, hot shower, and a big breakfast."

His eyes darkened and she smiled in return. It was always nice to know that she could be sexy, even wearing a baggy tee shirt and a pair of boxers, with her hair in a messy braid.

"Do you want some help in that shower?" he asked, his voice low as he stalked toward her.

Kate shrugged innocently. "I mean, there is a lot of me to wash. I should be squeaky clean for th…" she was cut off as he reached her and wrapped an arm around her waist, dragging her toward the bathroom. "I take it you're joining me?" she laughed as they stumbled into the bathroom.

"Damn straight," he growled as he pulled her in for a kiss. "I'll still have enough time for a quick batch of pancakes, if you can go without the bacon and eggs."

"I think I can deal," she breathed, reaching out to turn on the shower while he contented himself with pulling her boxers down and ridding himself of his shirt. "Morning," she added as he stripped her bare and led her into the warm water. She loved living with him.

"Morning," he grinned.

(…)

Kate raced down an alley at the end of May, her heels ringing against the walls and pavement, with Grayson right behind her. Hall and Jacobs had run around the other side, and she knew they had this scumbag cornered. They skidded around the back of the building and rammed to a halt, guns raised as Keith Frin stood there with his own glock, swinging it unsteadily between the two sets of detectives.

"There's nowhere left to run, Frin," Jacobs said evenly. "Put the gun down and put your hands over your head, and maybe we'll consider getting you a plea bargain."

"I…I…" the young man stammered, his wild, blue eyes glancing around frantically. "I didn't…I didn't mean to…"

"It's alright, Frin," Kate chimed in, taking the opportunity to play good cop, motherly cop, to Jacobs' bad cop. "Everything will be just fine. Just put down the gun."

Slowly, they watched him squat and place the gun on the ground before he stood and put his hands behind his back, shaking all over. Grayson rushed forward and cuffed him, kicking the gun back to Kate, who picked it up and locked the safety, tucking it away in her extra holster. Hall and Jacobs smiled and they all took a collective breath. Case closed.

Together, they trooped Frin out of the alley and Grayson passed him to Hall, who gently settled him into his car and read him his rights as he babbled out apologies. Grayson gave Kate a high five and they leaned against the brick building together, watching as Jacobs and Hall got into their car and sped away. They'd stay behind to debrief Ryan and Esposito, who had been camped out on the other side of Frin's door as extra precaution. They were on their way down from the third floor, along with the squad on the roof. Frin had been known to be erratic, and Jacobs had insisted on backup.

"Kind of anticlimactic," Grayson offered. "I was hoping for a real gun chase."

Kate snorted. "Only you would want that, Gray."

"Come on! Back in Vice we got to do all kinds of awesome stuff."

"You're a child," she replied good-naturedly. They'd developed a good rapport that hinged on banter and a mutual interest in getting under each other's skin. Lanie thought it was hysterical that Kate kept ending up in these relationships. It worked for them, though, and they closed just as many interrogations as Jacobs and Hall did.

Kate was just about to comment on the state of Frin's clothes when her cell rang. She fished it out of her pocket with difficulty, maneuvering around her vest, and held it to her ear. Esposito and Ryan popped out of the main door and came over as she struggled to hear the person on the other end of the line.

"Yes," she replied. "This is Kate Beckett."

"Hello, Miss Beckett. I'm with the Emergency Room at Lenox Hill. We need you to come down for an Alexis Castle."

"Alexis?" Kate breathed, the breath knocked out of her. "Where? What? Is she alright?"

"We can't release any information over the phone," the woman replied evenly. "Please come down. You're listed as an emergency contact."

"I…Yes, I'll be right there." She hung up and glanced around, dazed and already close to hysterics. The three guys were looking at her with concern. "Alexis. Alexis is at Lenox, Lenox Hill," she managed. "I need to get there. I need to go."

She blindly started for their squad car, but Esposito grabbed her elbow. "Ryan, head back with Grayson. I'm taking Beckett to the hospital."

"Got it," Ryan replied nodding to Grayson. "We'll tell the Captain. You call us," he added, sounding far more serious than Kate could ever remember, not that she was paying much attention.

Esposito gave a brusque nod and then jogged to his car with her. She was struggling against the urge to sprint, beat him to it, and take off. "You should not be driving right now," Esposito directed, pushing her into the passenger side.

He ran around the car, hopped in and took off, throwing the gumball for good measure. Kate sat there mutely for a few seconds. Alexis was at the hospital. Why was she at the hospital? What was wrong? Was she badly hurt? Was she dead? God. She took a few deep breaths and then pressed the first button on her phone.

"Come on, Rick," she muttered, jiggling her leg and clutching at the handle above her door as Esposito swung around a corner. "Pick up." It just rang until it hit voicemail. Where was he? "Alexis is at Lenox Hill," Kate said as soon as the tone ended. "Meet me there. They called and told me to go. You need to meet me there. I don't know what's wrong," she ended, hanging up.

For a cop, she was mildly aware that she was not doing well under pressure this time. But it was her little girl in that hospital, alone, and she had no idea what was wrong. She dialed the house, but was met with that voicemail too. Where was he? He'd been at meetings all day, and then he was supposed to pick Alexis up from Paige's, but that was another hour from now. Where _was_ he?

She got Martha's voicemail as well, and left her a message with everything she knew. By the time she was done, they were pulling up to the entrance to the emergency room.

"Espo," she said quietly as they came to a halt.

"She'll be fine. You get in there, and I'll come find you, okay?" he instructed, his voice firm but gentle. He reached over and gave her hand a squeeze as she felt a tear slip down her cheek. Her little girl was in there. And she had no idea what was wrong. She was _scared_. "Go," he prompted.

Kate unbuckled and sped from the car, letting her feet carry her through the doors and over to registration while her mind whirred through hundreds of horrible possibilities.

"Hello," the woman behind the glass greeted pleasantly.

"Alexis," Kate panted, surprised by how winded she sounded. "Alexis Castle. I got a call about Alexis Castle. I'm Kate Beckett. What's wrong with her? Is she okay?" she babbled at the woman.

She smiled back, large brown eyes trying to provide a comfort Kate wasn't ready to take. "Someone will take you back to her in a minute."

"Okay," she breathed. Okay. She'd get to see her. What the hell was wrong? And where was Rick? And why did no one ever pick up a cell phone when something was wrong? Alexis was in the Emergency Room. Why? Why was she here? Why hadn't Rick come to get her? How had she gotten hurt?

"Miss Beckett?" an orderly prompted, opening a door to her left. Kate jolted from the wall and walked over to meet her, her hands shaking. "I'm Nurse Westin," the young blonde told her, ushering her through the double doors and down a long, white hallway. "I'm told you're here for Alexis Castle?"

"Yes," Kate said quickly. "What's wrong with her? Why is she here? Where's her father?"

"She'll be happy to see you," the woman continued. "She's a bit hysterical."

"What's wrong with her?" Kate insisted as they turned a corner and walked down another hallway, decorated with clowns and balloon stickers—the children's corridor of the ER, she supposed.

"She's just fine," the woman told her gently as they stopped outside of a small single room. "She's a bit banged up, but she's okay. We need you to sign her out, actually."

"What happened?" Kate asked, thoroughly irritated and close to yelling at this woman. Why couldn't they ever just tell you something straight? Why all of the protocol? She just wanted to know why she was picking her kid up at the ER.

"Miss Castle was in a car accident," Westin replied. "Now, she's just fine, though she looks a little the worse for wear. We've cleaned and bandaged all of her cuts."

"A car accident?" Kate breathed. Oh, God. But she was okay. She was _okay_.

"Yes, now, about…"

But Kate wasn't listening anymore, and she pushed around her to burst into the room, too anxious to hear what Westin was trying to say. "Alexis," she gasped, staring at the little girl in the hospital bed. It was like looking at a nightmare. Her hair was pulled back like it had been when she'd left for school, but her right cheek was bruising and swollen beneath wide, red-rimmed tearful eyes. Her arms were covered in bandaids and someone had wrapped one of her hands with gauze.

"Mommy," she said quietly, her voice rough from what Kate imagined must have been an hour of weeping.

She stumbled over to the bed, lacking any of the grace she'd shown back at the takedown, and stooped to look the child over. "Sweetie," she said softly as Alexis reached out for her with her good hand, clasping her larger one in a tight grip. "What happened?"

"We…we were in a…in a taxi…" she snuffled, tugging on Kate with surprising force until she sat down beside her, surprised as Alexis catapulted herself into her lap.

"Don't hurt yourself anymore, baby," Kate advised, very carefully spreading her legs so that Alexis could settle between them. "Where are you hurt?" She looked up and realized that there was a doctor in the small room with them, watching them curiously. "Where is she hurt?" she repeated.

"Miss Castle is pretty banged up, but there's nothing serious," the man replied. He looked about Kate's age and was wearing scrubs—probably an intern. "You can hug her, Miss…Beckett, is it?"

Kate nodded and took his advice, opening her arms for Alexis, who clung to her instantly, burying her little bruised head into Kate's neck. "Okay. It's okay, honey. You're okay," Kate whispered to her, rocking them side-to-side. "What happened?" she asked the doctor, realizing that Alexis couldn't possibly answer her questions now.

"Miss Castle and her father were in a taxi crossing an intersection near Central Park when they were blindsided by an SUV."

"Rick," Kate breathed, all of the air that she'd reclaimed upon seeing Alexis now whooshing out of her, like a punch, a stab, a blow to her entire body.

"Daddy," Alexis whispered, her hands, even the bandaged one, curling into the back of Kate's shirt. "Where's Daddy? They…they took him…" she sobbed.

"Where's her father?" Kate asked quickly, much louder than she'd intended. "What's happening? Is he alright?"

The man gave her an apologetic look. "Miss Beckett, while you're listed as an emergency contact for Alexis, I can't give out information on other patients."

"It's her father!" Kate protested while Alexis just shook against her. "You have to tell me. Please."

"I can only give out information to blood relatives or spouses. I'm sorry," he said quietly.

"I'm…" Kate stammered. Here she was, with Alexis in her lap at a hospital. She was the number one emergency contact for this little girl. She lived with them. She cuddled this girl during nightmares and spent early mornings going over evidence with her boyfriend. There was a wedding dress in their upstairs closet and they'd said 'forever.' If there was ever a time to make a life decision based on concrete evidence, this was it.

"I'm his fiancée," Kate said firmly, gently reaching beneath her shirt and pulling out her mother's ring. "I was just at work—Detective—and I can't wear it around. But here," she relinquished her grip on the girl to unclasp the chain, slide the ring off, and shove it onto her left ring finger. "Look. Engaged. Going to be married. Now tell me where my daughter's father is, and what's wrong with him."

The doctor stared at her for a moment. "I…"

"Tell Mommy what's wrong with Daddy," Alexis demanded, turning around in Kate's lap to glare menacingly up at the man. Kate would have been extremely proud under different circumstances. That was one impressive intimidation face. "She's my Mom. Tell her what's wrong with Daddy."

The man swallowed and then nodded slowly. "Mr. Castle is in surgery at the moment. I don't know when he'll be out."

"Surgery," Kate gasped while Alexis leaned back against her chest. "For what?"

"He was unconscious when they came in. He dove on top of your daughter when they hit. The cabbie helped get Alexis out. The SUV wasn't moving too quickly, but Mr. Castle was the closest to that side of the car. They rushed him into the O.R. when they got here. I don't know much else."

Kate nodded mutely for a moment. Her boyfriend—her _fiancé_ was in surgery. Did that mean he was dying? Bleeding internally? Punctured lung? Punctured liver? What? "Who…who can I ask for more information?" she asked, hugging Alexis close. What if he didn't make it? Oh, God, what happened to Alexis if he didn't make it? Did Martha get her? Did Meredith? What would she do?

"Miss Beckett?" Apparently the doctor had been talking.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly while Alexis merely cried in her arms. "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

"I'll find someone to explain things to you after you sign these papers for Miss Castle. We have your insurance information on file, so it's just a matter of signature." He passed her a clipboard and Kate signed it quickly. "Wonderful. Alright, we'll have someone in a minute to take you down to the O.R. waiting room. I'm glad you're alright, Alexis."

He left them and Alexis slowly turned in her lap, raising her head to look up at her. "Is…is Daddy going to…going to die?" she whispered.

How did you answer a question like that? Kate didn't know. Kate was terrified. Her boyfriend, the love of her life, was in the O.R. for God-knows-what. She just wanted to curl up and cry. But her daughter was sitting in her lap. This was her child, her daughter, the girl she'd just bound herself to a few minutes ago, slipping on a ring and making a promise. She had to find the strength to stay calm and comfort _her_.

"Your Daddy is the strongest man I know," Kate replied, gently cradling the girl's face, careful of her bruises. "And I know he will fight as hard as he possibly can to come home with us, okay?"

Alexis stared at her with hollow eyes that understood exactly what Kate wasn't saying. But what could she say otherwise? "Okay," Alexis whispered. "You're staying with me, right? You won't leave?"

"Nothing," Kate enunciated, "_Nothing_ could take me away from you right now, Alexis."

"Okay," she replied, scooting forward to hug her again. "It was so scary, Mommy."

"Oh, Sweetie. I'm sure it was. I'm so sorry." Kate couldn't imagine what it must have been like to be in a crash and have your father catapult himself on top of you, only to go unconscious above you, hurt in some terrible way. Then he'd been taken from her, and no one had told her what was going on. "I'm so very sorry, Alexis."

"I was so scared," she whispered. "And they wouldn't…wouldn't let me see him, or tell me anything, and I wanted you and it took so long."

"I got here as soon as I possibly could," she promised, rocking them again. What else could she do? She felt so lost and useless.

"Miss Beckett," Nurse Westin prompted, poking her head into the doorway. "We can take you to the O.R. now."

"Thank you," Kate said quietly, helping Alexis shift forward so that Kate could slip to the floor. She turned and lifted Alexis down from the bed. She swayed slightly as her feet hit the floor and Kate watched her in concern. "You're sure she's alright?" she asked, turning to the nurse.

"I ache," Alexis replied. "But I'm okay, Mommy."

"Okay," Kate sighed, reaching down to take the girl's good hand. "Can you walk, Sweetie?"

"Uh-huh," she said quietly.

They followed the nurse down the long hall and back toward the entrance, before veering left down another corridor. "What can you tell us?" Kate asked as she looked between the nurse and her daughter, who walked with slow, measured strides, head defiantly up, even in the pain Kate could see.

"A broken rib punctured his right lung," the woman replied quietly, "And he has some internal bleeding, but I've been told that they've caught everything. They should be finished in about half an hour."

"Okay," Kate murmured as they hit the waiting room, which was empty, full of nothing but the ambient sounds of the hospital whirring around them.

"We'll call you the minute he comes out," Westin continued, gesturing toward the chairs. "And I'll bring her some children's Tylenol in a few minutes."

"Thank you," Kate nodded, guiding Alexis over to a small couch. "Did you hear that, Alexis? They've caught everything."

"But…but don't people die anyway?" she whispered, standing in front of Kate as she sat down.

"Honey," Kate sighed, very gently pulling the girl onto her lap, where she curled against her chest. "You can't think like that. You have to believe that your Daddy will be just fine. It helps."

"I'm scared, Momma." She rarely called Kate 'Momma,' and Kate could tell, just from the moniker, how truly terrified Alexis was.

"I know, Alexis," Kate replied. "I'm scared too," she said honestly. "We can be scared together, okay? I'm right here, and I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," she whispered, closing her eyes and cuddling closer. "Everything hurts."

"The medicine will help," Kate told her. "Just rest now, Sweetie."

Alexis nodded and Kate sat there in the empty room, staring around. Would Rick be alright? A punctured lung—that was bad. That was really bad. Internal bleeding could be minor, but it probably wasn't. And what did she do if they came out, masks in hand, and told her that Rick was dead? Would she keep breathing? Wouldn't the world just end? Alexis shifted on her lap and gave a small sigh. No, the world wouldn't end; Alexis would be there. But for how long? She and Rick had never talked about this. Hell, until about ten minutes ago, they hadn't even been engaged. Were they now? Would it matter in an hour?

Nurse Westin returned a few minutes later and Kate roused Alexis, helping her swallow the little cup of medicine before settling back. She carded her fingers through the girl's ponytail and hummed a soft lullaby, hoping to calm her into sleep. It would be better if Alexis were simply passed out, unaware of what was going on around them.

Kate stared out the window onto the street below them. The world couldn't take him away from her. She'd already lost her mother. She wasn't ready to lose the love of her life. She wasn't ready to be a single parent who might not even get to keep her child. She wasn't ready. She just wasn't. There was a wedding to have and children to raise and a life to live.

She left their loft every morning, knowing that there was the slightest chance that she wouldn't return. But she never left the house thinking that when she came home, he might not be there. Had she said she loved him that morning? Everyone always talked about not having said it enough to her mother. They all wished they'd said it more, shown it more. Did she? Had she? Had she kissed him goodbye? Had she kissed Alexis goodbye?

"I love you," she whispered to the little girl, running a hand over her back. "I love you so much."

"Love…you too…Mommy," Alexis sighed, shifting again to find another, more comfortable position.

She had Alexis. She'd just focus on Alexis. Alexis wasn't hurt. Alexis was there. Alexis was alive. Alive. Please let him be alive. She toyed with the ring on her finger. She was glad now that her hands were so like her mother's. The diamond sparkled in the light and Kate stared at it. He had to live. He had to, because she needed to see the look on his face when he saw her wearing a ring. Would he be happy? Would he be sad that he hadn't gotten to propose? Would he laugh? She hoped he'd laugh. She loved his laugh.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Okay, don't kill me. I have my reasons, I promise. *<strong>**Hides in a corner*******

**I'd love to know what you think (other than, "I HATE YOU," though, by all means, do express yourselves). This chapter is a bit more episodic than recent chapters have been, but there was some distance to cover, and missed moments will reappear in later chapters. **

**Thank you, as always, for your immense support. I love hearing from you, though I have a feeling that I'll be feeling some hate this time. That's okay. It's my burden to bear. **

**Also, for those that have been wondering, there will be more than 31 chapters. This story has talked back to me since the beginning, and there's more than one more chapter of story left to tell.  
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**Happy Tuesday,**

**Emma**


	31. Chapter 31

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: It's fiction about fictional characters that sometimes discuss fictional characters. It's so META! **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

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><p><strong>Chapter 31:<strong>

"Miss Beckett?"

Kate looked up and swallowed as Nurse Westin came through the double doors. Alexis shifted on her lap and blinked up at her as Kate checked to see if she was alright, the same way she'd been glancing at the girl for the past twenty minutes.

"Yes?" she replied after a moment, looking back at the nurse.

"Mr. Castle has been moved to a private room, and I can take you back to see him now," the woman said gently.

Kate stared at her. That had to mean he was alive, right? She wouldn't say it like that if he was dead. There'd be a doctor with a sad expression. He wasn't dead.

But the nurse wasn't forthcoming about his condition. Was he still in dire straits? Was he dying? She took a deep breath. She needed to actually ask these questions, instead of letting them spiral out in her head.

"Daddy," Alexis whispered, curling closer to Kate.

"Okay, Sweetie. Let's go see your Dad," Kate replied, shifting her daughter until she could pick her up. She didn't seem so heavy now, clinging to her neck as she rested on Kate's hip. The weight was a comfort, a solid reminder that half of her family was alive and relatively well.

She glanced at the nurse as they approached her, suddenly questioning her decision to bring Alexis. But what else could she do? Martha hadn't answered her cell the second time she'd called to update the woman on the condition of her son and granddaughter, and Kate didn't want to worry her father just yet. Once she knew about Rick, she could call her father, if just to come and get Alexis, who shouldn't spend the night in the hospital. Kate though—she knew she wouldn't be able to leave until Rick was given the all clear, and maybe not even then.

Nurse Westin gave them a soft smile. "How are you feeling, honey?" she asked Alexis as they stood to the side of the double doors that would lead them to Rick, for better or worse.

"M'okay," Alexis mumbled. "Wanna see Daddy."

"Alright, little one," Westin replied gently. "If you'll follow me?" she added, gesturing for Kate to trail her through the doors and down yet another white, sterile hallway. Would it kill them to add some color? "Your fiancé is doing well, all things considered," she told Kate as Alexis sighed into her neck. "They've re-inflated his lung and repaired the internal damage. He'll be on oxygen for a little while, until they're sure that he's breathing well on his own, and we're keeping him propped up to prevent pooling and ease the stress from the breaks."

"How many ribs?" Kate asked, cataloging the information away like a case file.

"Three broken and one cracked," Westin replied gently. "And he'll have to stay in bed for a good week before he can be up and about, and after that it'll be a month before he's all clear."

She stopped them just before they reached a large window along the wall of a corridor of rooms. "Now, he looks much worse than he is," she cautioned. "He's still sleeping, but he should wake up within the hour. When he does, he'll probably try to take the mask off, and you have to make sure he keeps it on. If he starts fighting, and there's no one in there with you, give us a call."

Kate nodded and rubbed Alexis' back. He was going to be fine. He was going to live. He was alive. "Head trauma?" Kate asked.

Westin smiled. "No. He passed out because of the puncture, but there's no head trauma. His body took the brunt of it. You're lucky he didn't suffer a spinal injury, actually."

Kate nodded mutely. Oh, God. He could have been paralyzed. He could have been knocked so silly that he didn't remember her. He could have been _dead_. Alexis gripped at her neck and Kate took a deep breath. She could freak out about what hadn't happened later. Now, it was time to face what _had_ happened. "Alright, thank you," Kate said quietly.

"You're welcome," the nurse smiled. "I'll leave you with him. Go on in when you're ready, and just hit the call button if you need something, even if it's just jello."

Kate offered her what she assumed was a smile. The expression felt foreign on her face now. She didn't know what else to say. Everything had happened so quickly and she was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that Rick was alive.

"And if there's anything else I can do, let me know," Westin added.

"Can you call his mother again?" Kate asked quickly, desperately wanting an adult, which felt ridiculous. But here she was, being the strong one for Alexis, and she knew that if she had to keep doing it for hours, she'd crack. She didn't want to break down in front of her daughter.

"Sure thing," Westin assured her. "I'll leave you to him," she continued, running a hand over Alexis' head as she walked away.

Kate stood there, staring at the window, though they couldn't yet see into the room. She just needed to force herself to take three steps. Her feet wouldn't move. She wanted to see him. She did. But what if? What if he was broken and pale and small in the bed, with tubes sticking out of him? What if Westin was wrong? Just what if?

"Momma," Alexis whispered, pulling back to look at her. "We should see him."

"Okay," Kate replied, leaning in to kiss her forehead. "Okay, let's take a peek. Remember that he's better than he looks."

"Kay," Alexis replied, turning to look through the window as Kate took those slow, agonizing three steps.

They stared through the glass at the man in the hospital bed. He didn't look like Rick. They were his hands, and it was his chest, and that was his forehead, but he didn't _look_ like him. His face was mostly hidden beneath an oxygen mask and he had three tubes coming out of his left arm. The right was bandaged up to his elbow and the rest of him was covered with a thick hospital blanket. Alexis had looked like a nightmare in her hospital bed. Rick looked like a horror story—a real live, unwaking, unfailing, unflinching horror story.

"He looks small," Alexis murmured. "And pale."

"But he's breathing," Kate offered. He did look small and deathly pale. "And his heart's beating; see on the monitor," she pointed to the heart rate monitor that steadily pulsed up and down.

Alexis nodded and Kate rested her cheek against the girl's head, swaying side to side. He was there. He was alive. He was badly hurt, but he was right there in front of them. He wasn't dead. He wasn't dying.

"Are you ready to go in?" Kate asked softly.

"Will he wake up?" the girl whispered, turning to meet Kate's eyes.

"Yes," she smiled, feeling some sort of relief break through all of the shock and horror and fear. "Yes, he will, honey. And he'll be laughing and joking with us in no time." She gave Alexis a squeeze. "So let's get in there and tell him how much we love him, alright?"

"Okay," she nodded, biting her lip. "You'll be there the whole time?"

"I promise," Kate assured her. "Come on, let's go see Daddy."

She let them into the room, turning the knob with an unsteady hand. The room smelled like death, and Kate paused as she shut the door behind them. Rick wasn't dead. Rick wasn't dying. But the room smelled so horribly of death. Perhaps it was the near death of the whole afternoon. Whatever it was, it made her lurch forward unsteadily, sinking down into the chair beside his bed with Alexis curled into her lap once again.

She turned and Kate held her against her chest, the little girl's back to her front as they looked at Rick. "It smells funny," Alexis observed.

Now that she was acclimated to it, and the stench didn't remind her of the death they found in alleys and broken buildings, Kate recognized it as the sterile, horrible smell of a hospital. "It's just the hospital. They had to use lots of chemicals to make sure your Dad doesn't get infected. It's very clean."

"And the beeping is his heart, right?" she asked, her voice small as her hands clutched at Kate's around her stomach.

"Yes," Kate breathed against her head, letting the steady sound ring through her ears. In a few hours, it would grate on all of them, but now—now it was the steadiest proof that he was alive.

"And, and the tubes and the mask are making sure he gets better?" she continued.

"Yes," Kate replied, pressing another kiss to her hair. "Your Daddy's going to be just fine. He looks sick and broken now, but he's going to get better." He would. She knew he would. But her words were as much for herself as for the frightened little girl on her lap. "He'll get better."

"I want him to wake up," Alexis whispered. "I don't like this. I don't like it at all."

"I don't like it either, honey," Kate sighed. "But he'll wake up soon, and they'll take his mask off, and everything will be okay." Alexis nodded slowly and then shifted, tugging against Kate's arms until she loosened her grip and the girl could turn around on her lap. Kate looked her over, dismayed to see that her bruising had darkened along her right cheek. "Are you in any pain, kiddo?" she asked, oddly aware of how many pet names she'd already cycled through in the past few hours.

"No," Alexis replied. "I just…"

"I know," Kate murmured. "I don't like seeing him like this either."

Alexis nodded and leaned forward to bury her head back into Kate's neck. Kate pulled her close again and sat staring at the bed with the battered body of her boyfriend/fiancé. She stared at the steady rise and fall of his chest, proving with every single movement that he was alive and there with them in the room.

A few minutes later, she heard voices in the hall and Martha burst into the room, followed closely by Esposito, who took in the situation and leaned against the far wall, a quiet beacon of calm.

"What…what happened?" Martha gasped, standing at the foot of her son's bed. "You called. I got the first message. Alexis," she worked out, her eyes flying frantically from the bed to the chair where Kate and Alexis were cuddled together.

"Alexis is just fine," Kate assured her. "And your son will be just fine." It hurt to watch Martha in such panic. But at the same time it eased the knot in Kate's chest; someone was there with them now. They weren't alone anymore.

"Punctured lung," Martha offered. "They said he had a punctured lung?"

Kate nodded. "One of his ribs got it during the crash. They've re-inflated it, and they're only keeping him on the oxygen for another hour or so, I guess. He should be waking up soon."

"How many broken ribs?" Martha asked, swaying slightly. Esposito was up from the wall in an instant, guiding the matriarch into the chair beside Kate's.

"Hey, Lexi," he said softly, kneeling down in front of Kate and waiting until Alexis turned. Kate smiled at him while Martha took a few deep breaths. "Do you want to come with me and get some coffee for Kate and your Gram?"

Alexis looked from Esposito, to her father, to Kate and back, biting her lip. "Go ahead, honey," Kate said softly. Alexis needed some normalcy, and Esposito was as normal and solid as anything could be. "We'll be right here when you get back, and maybe Uncle Javi will let you get some hot cocoa?"

"Sure thing," he smiled.

"Okay," Alexis whispered after a moment. She moved to climb out of Kate's lap, but Esposito was there, lifting her into his arms before she could get too far.

Kate and Martha watched as he carried her out of the room, whispering to her and bouncing them a bit as he turned out of the doorway and they disappeared. Javier Esposito was a stand up, wonderful, fantastic guy, and she really didn't know what she'd done to deserve his friendship. She looked at Martha and found her stiff in her chair, lips parted as she breathed deeply.

"He has three broken ribs and one cracked one, and will need at least a week's solid bed rest," she explained quietly, her eyes returning to the steady rise and fall of Rick's chest. "But there's no head trauma, and he's only got bruises otherwise."

Martha turned to look at her. "How did this happen?" she asked, her voice very thin.

Kate unconsciously reached for the woman's hand and felt her take it with a strong, shaking grip. "He and Alexis were in a taxi and got blindsided by an SUV. He dove on top of Alexis, so she wasn't hurt, but he took the brunt of the crash. They're lucky the other car wasn't moving fast."

Martha nodded slowly. "How long ago?" She met Kate's eyes and Kate was surprised to see guilt swimming in the blue ones that stared back at her.

"I got the call about two and a half hours ago," Kate replied gently. "He was already in surgery when I got here, and I didn't actually know until I found Alexis."

Martha nodded thoughtfully and Kate watched as a bit of tension drained out of the older woman, her hand going slack in Kate's. "And Alexis?"

"She's fine, Martha," Kate assured her. "She's banged up, but she intimidated a doctor into letting me in here, actually. She's terrified, but she's fine."

"I'm surprised you were able to get in here at all," Martha chuckled. "Though, knowing you and my…Katherine Beckett, what is on your finger?" she finished, raising their hands so that her mother's ring sparkled in the light.

Kate didn't know whether to grin, shrug embarrassedly, or laugh. "It's surprising how useful rings can be, in the right situations," she replied.

Martha narrowed her eyes. "That cannot be all there is to it, or you would have taken it off already," she surmised. "Details, Darling."

"Is this really the time?" Kate asked plaintively, hoping forestall this interrogation until Rick could help her out. She was still intimidated by Martha, much as she was loathe to admit it. She'd had five years without any maternal guidance, and when Martha really pulled out all the stops, she was a force to be reckoned with.

Martha looked over at her son and then met Kate's eyes with a soft smile. "I think it's exactly the time, dear. You look as pale as he does."

Kate bit her lip and glanced back at her boyfriend/fiancé. "I…" she managed around the sudden lump in her throat. "Martha I…I didn't know if…if he was going to make it," she admitted, slowly raising her eyes to his mother's.

"Oh, Darling," she sighed, scooting her chair closer with more grace than Kate would have thought possible. "He's alright."

Kate nodded and pressed her lips together while she felt her face heat up and tears sting at the corners of her eyes. She wasn't ready to fall apart, not yet. She wanted to talk to Rick and make sure he was comfortable, and then, once he was asleep, she could steal into his bathroom, turn on the faucet, and weep. But not now. Just not now.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be here earlier. We always have our phones off for rehearsal, but I never," Martha paused and took a deep breath. "I never expected to get those phone calls."

"I should have left better messages," Kate sighed. "I'm sure they were awful." She'd freaked out over the calm, collected call she'd gotten from the Emergency Room. How must Martha have felt, hearing Kate's scattered messages? "I'm sorry."

"Darling," Martha admonished, bringing Kate's gaze back to hers. "You took care of my granddaughter and got her in to see her father, artifice or no," she said, twirling the ring on Kate's finger. "And I am very grateful for that. And you know, for someone so young, those messages were quite informative, if just a tad distressing."

"I…" Kate shut her eyes for a moment, trying to press all of the anxiety and worry and panic that she'd bottled up back into the depths of her mind, to be dealt with at another time. "It was…" she petered off, unable to find something adequate to express exactly what she'd felt and what she was currently feeling.

"Terrifying," Martha supplied. "Getting a phone call about your child in the ER is always terrifying." Kate nodded mutely. "And getting a call about a girl that you have no legal claim to, only to find out that her father is laying somewhere in the hospital, and they won't let you see him, must have been hell on earth."

"I don't think I've been so angry in a long time," Kate admitted. "But then it clicked and I…" she shrugged and wiggled her finger. "It seemed like the right moment."

Martha chuckled. "Very cunning of you."

Kate gave a weak laugh. "Desperate, I think, is the word you were looking for," she offered. "Not that I don't want it," she added quickly. "I do. I…it's…"

"Yes?" Martha prompted, grinning at her, obviously unwilling to dig her out of the hole she'd shoveled herself into.

"I would love nothing more than to marry your son," Kate said shyly, the words falling from her lips like a secret. How much of a secret was it? She'd already gotten a gown.

Martha just smiled. "I've known that for a while, dear."

Kate bobbed her head and turned to look at Rick, her ears still drinking in the steady sound of his heartbeat. "I thought he was going to die," she admitted. "I really did." It left on a whispered breath and Kate had to blink to keep the tears from falling. She had thought he would die. And now here he was, living and breathing in front of her.

Martha simply squeezed her hand and then her fingers vanished. Kate was confused, but then Martha wrapped a gentle arm around her shoulders. "He's alright," she said quietly.

"I know," Kate replied, reaching up with her free hand to wipe at the single tear that had escaped.

Martha just squeezed her shoulders. "Give it a few more hours, and see him talking, and then you'll believe it. I promise you that."

Kate leaned into the warmth and support Martha offered. "Thank you," she said tiredly.

"Oh, Darling," Martha sighed, turning her head to press a kiss to _Kate's_ forehead, in a mirror image to what she'd done with Alexis some ten minutes earlier. "Don't thank me. You're allowed to be scared."

Kate didn't quite know what to say. She hadn't expected this kind of comfort—the same kind she'd given to Alexis. She hadn't expected to be mothered. She'd hoped Martha would arrive, simply so that she'd have someone to talk to, explain things to, and share the burden with. But she hadn't expected to be comforted and kissed and hugged. Her mother's ring was heavy on her finger, and Kate hadn't realized that she'd needed a mother to help her deal with nearly losing Rick and Alexis. But she did, and now there was one wrapped around her, hugging her, comforting her, loving her.

Another tear slipped down her cheek and Martha tutted against her forehead. "You don't have to pretend you're not cracking, Kate."

Kate gave a watery chuckle. Apparently every member of the Rodgers-Castle clan could read her like an open book. "Later," she sniffed. "I promise."

Before either could say another word, the heart rate monitor sped up. They were both on their feet in an instant and Kate rushed to the head of the bed, gripping the railing until her knuckles turned white to prevent herself from touching him. His eyelids fluttered for a moment before his eyes popped open, staring around frantically. He jerked and then she watched his eyes clench shut and she could hear his labored breathing underneath the mask.

"Hey there, handsome," she whispered, leaning down toward his head and cautiously releasing one hand to run her fingers through his messy, sweat-matted hair. "You're okay, baby."

He opened his eyes and found her face, staring at her for a second. Then his blue, gloriously blue, eyes widened and he reached for the mask with his right hand, not sparing a wince for the bandages that trailed up his arm. Martha, who had sped to the opposite side of the bed, caught it before he could get to his face.

"You have to keep the mask on," Kate said gently. "Just for a little while, until they're sure you can breath on your own. Don't fight it, okay?" she murmured, rubbing his scalp with her fingers, a gesture that usually calmed him.

Instead, his eyes bored into hers and she heard a strangled "Alex…is," from beneath the mask. Oh, God, he was worried about his daughter, afraid that she was dead, because he wouldn't know what had happened after the crash.

"She's fine," Kate said immediately. "She's just fine. She and Esposito went to get hot cocoa," she promised. "You saved her, Rick. She's just fine. There are some bruises, so don't freak when she gets back, but I promise, she's fine."

He blinked up at her and produced a humming sound before his eyebrows furrowed. "I believe my son is now angry that he can't speak," Martha chuckled. Kate watched as his gaze swung to his mother in a half-glare. "Good to see you too, kiddo," Martha smiled, reaching out to touch his cheek. "You gave us quite a scare, Richard," she added.

He raised his bandaged arm toward his mother and Martha gently cradled his injured hand, kissing his fingers. Kate watched as they stared at each other and felt something tug in her gut. That was pure love. That was the love a mother felt for a child. It was the same look she knew had fallen over her face when she'd realized Alexis was fine, heard her speak, felt her move. After a minute, Rick turned his head and his eyes found Kate again, just as the door opened and Esposito came in, coffees in one hand and Alexis swinging on the other.

"Guess who's awake?" Kate asked Alexis, offering Esposito a grateful smile as he put her coffee on the side table.

"Daddy!" Alexis squealed, releasing Esposito and nearly spilling her cocoa as she hurtled toward Kate. Esposito, with a nimbleness Kate had never seen, grabbed the cup from the little girl and held it up in triumph, to an amused snort from Martha.

Kate bent and picked Alexis up, holding her against her hip so that she and Rick could see each other. "See?" Kate whispered, brushing her lips against Alexis' cheek. "He's awake."

"Hi Daddy," Alexis said softly, reaching out to him. Kate was about to lean over when Rick's left hand, IV and all, reached up to clasp his daughter's. "I'm so glad you're alive."

His eyes watered and he stared at his daughter, something close to wonder on his face. "She's okay," Kate told him, letting her free hand fall to rest on his shoulder.

"I am," Alexis added. "I can walk and everything, but," she turned to look at Kate and then rested her head on her shoulder. "But Mommy's more comfortable."

Kate smiled and laid her cheek on Alexis' head while she traced circles on his shoulder. She spared a glance for Esposito, who was watching them with a small smile on his face. "Thank you, Esposito," she said, returning his smile. "He got me here," she added, for Rick's benefit.

Rick's hand left Alexis' foot where it had fallen and he gave his friend a thumbs up. Esposito laughed. "No big, man. We'll have an epic Madden day or something while you're laid up. But, Beckett, I should get back, let them know that everyone's okay."

"Alright. Thank you, really," she repeated, hoping that he really understood just how much his solidarity meant to her. He'd sat in the waiting room for a good two hours before Martha arrived, and she hadn't even been able to call him.

He just smiled, gave her a nod, waved to Alexis, and left, shutting the door gently behind him. It opened just as quickly and a doctor and nurse came in. They bustled up to the bed and Kate took a reluctant step back, bringing her free hand up to rub Alexis' back.

"Well, Mr. Castle," the doctor said happily while the nurse, a brunette woman in purple scrubs, checked Rick's vitals. "I'm Dr. Joberg. You seem to be doing remarkably well, given the circumstances. Has he been lucid?" he asked, turning to look at Martha.

She nodded. "Lucid and talking, even with the mask."

The doctor laughed. "Yes, well, that's to be expected, I suppose. Though, it looks like you're doing well enough to try taking it off now, if you'd like to see?" he suggested.

Rick nodded vigorously, even as Kate saw him grimace in pain with the movement. "A little less enthusiasm, Rick," she chided. "You can curse about it once it's off, but don't hurt yourself."

He glanced over at her and she couldn't tell if the look her was shooting her was petulant or irritated. It was probably a bit of both. They watched as the nurse gently removed the breathing mask, keeping it nearby in case he wasn't ready. Rick coughed a few times and Kate saw a tear leak down his face as he clenched his eyes shut. Oh, it hurt to watch him in pain. She suddenly understood why he'd nearly yelled at her when she'd been in the hospital, insisting that she was fine. Watching him ached. It jabbed. It stung.

"Is Daddy okay?" Alexis asked softly, curling her hand into Kate's hair.

"M'okay, munch…munchkin," Rick managed.

Everyone stared at him and the doctor smiled. "Splendid." He clapped his hands together. "We'll be keeping you here for another day or two, to make sure you're not clotting, and then we'll send you home into the care of these lovely women."

"Th…thank you," Rick croaked.

"And we'll send some ice chips up," the doctor smiled. "Not food for another six hours or so, but I doubt you'll be all that hungry."

"Thank you, Doctor," Martha said for the group.

He nodded to her. "No thanks necessary, Ms. Rodgers. However, I will extend my congratulations."

They stared at him and Kate sucked in a breath. Not like this! "Could we expedite those ice chips?" she asked the nurse, who gave her a funny look, but nodded and left the room.

"For…for what?" Rick asked, glancing around at his family.

"On your engagement," Joberg continued, with a slight frown. "I hadn't seen anything in the papers, so I assume it's recent?"

Martha chuckled and Alexis giggled into Kate's shoulder while she attempted to calm the blush that was now rising in her cheeks. There was a strangled sort of gasp from the vicinity of the bed, and Kate studiously avoided Rick's eyes, smiling at the doctor. "Extremely," she offered.

He nodded slowly. "Alright. Well, I'll get out of your hair. We'll be back to check on you in about an hour, Mr. Castle."

He left, shutting the door behind him, and then it was just the four of them.

"Alexis, dear, why don't we go see if we can find some food?" Martha suggested, walking around the bed to take Alexis from Kate.

"But we just got cocoa and coffee," the little girl replied, miffed.

"You don't want a donut?" Martha asked innocently.

Alexis grinned. "Is it okay?" she asked, looking at Kate and Rick.

Kate caught Martha's wink and rolled her eyes before giving Alexis a soft smile. "Of course, Sweetie. We'll be here when you get back."

"Okay," Alexis replied, laughing as Martha whispered something to her on their way out of the room.

Kate watched the door close and then took a deep breath. She'd been so worried that he'd never wake up that she hadn't actually thought about the ramifications of putting on the ring. She still hoped he'd laugh. But she'd been planning to break the news to him as a story, not have it announced by his doctor while he still couldn't really talk.

She turned to look at him and found him practically gouging a hole in the back of her head with his eyes. "Hey," she said softly, walking over to him. He was alive, and what did the rest matter, really? "You look…" she laughed as she stopped at his bedside, leaning over to kiss his forehead. "You look terrible, but I'm so glad to see you," she whispered against his skin.

Rick smiled and snaked his left hand toward hers, bringing them both up to his eye level with care and no small amount of effort. Kate wiggled her finger and felt his breath hitch.

"Hey, keep breathing," she admonished. It was cute, but she just wanted that steady rise and fall to stay nice and steady, and no amount of excitement was worth seeing him suffocate.

"Ring," he rasped, shifting the little silver band with his fingers as she held her hand up for him to inspect. He turned, and she watched as the movement made him grimace. "Really?"

Just as she was about to respond, the nurse came back into the room, handing Rick a cup of ice chips. She smiled at them and then retreated, shutting the door as quickly as she had come. Rick hastily jammed two ice chips into his mouth, sucked for a moment, and then crunched. Kate watched him, amused, and waited until he was finished swallowing before she moved, sitting down by his knees. He didn't wince as she settled in, and she let out a breath. She just wanted to be able to look at him without seeing him in pain from trying to look back.

"You're wearing a ring," he offered slowly, his voice beginning to sound like him again. "Whose ring is that?"

Kate smiled and reached into her pocket, pulling out the silver chain. "Mom's," she said quietly.

Rick chewed on his lip. "Not that…not that I'm not thrilled to see…see it," he said, taking a second to swallow. "But, can you fill in the…" he trailed off and caught the hand she was worrying at his knee. "Does this mean?"

She twined their fingers together. "I got a scary phone call this afternoon," she began, watching his face, drinking in the sight of him whole and alive before her. "It was a woman telling me to come to Lenox Hill because Alexis was in the ER." Rick frowned and his grip on her hand tightened. "So Esposito drove me, because I certainly wasn't able to drive myself, and I rushed in, and there she was, totally whole and relatively okay, and calling me 'Momma.' On the way, I called you, and got your voicemail."

"Meetings got out early," he interjected, his voice rough with a different sort of strain now.

Kate nodded. "At the time though, I didn't…no one had told me, and I get in there and I'm hugging the crap out of your kid and she asks where they took you. I look up, and this intern starts telling me that he can't release any information about you, because we're not married or blood related, even though Alexis was in my lap."

"Kate," he murmured.

She reached up to wipe a tear she hadn't noticed shedding as it trailed down her cheek. "So, you know, I have this little girl weeping into my neck, and I can't reach your mom, and I'm all alone and you're in here dying and…" she paused and looked up to meet his eyes, seeing everything worth having staring back at her. "And I just didn't want," she took a deep breath and let herself give voice to the feelings welling up inside, screaming to be said. "I didn't want you to die and not have said that I'd take forever with you," she said quietly.

She watched as his eyes widened and felt his fingers flexing against hers. "I want to hug you so badly right now," he whispered. "And kiss you and…and so much. But I…" he sighed and she squeezed his hand.

"We have forever for that," she assured him, smiling as his face lit up. "I told the doctor we were engaged, and to tell me what was wrong with my…" she stumbled and then shook her head. It was the truth. "With my daughter's father. And Alexis, little bruised, traumatized Alexis, whips around and glares at this poor guy and demands that he tell 'Mommy what happened to Daddy.' I've never seen someone that intimidated by an eight-year-old," she laughed lightly.

"Really?" he asked, looking gleeful, for what, she wasn't quite sure.

"Really," she replied. "And that is the story of how we got engaged while you were dying on an O.R. table," she concluded, feeling herself shake as she reached the end of her sentence.

"Hey," he murmured, reaching for her other hand. "I'm right here. I'm alive."

"I know," she nodded, smiling at him through clouded eyes. He was right. He was there, in front of her, breathing. But it just didn't seem to stick in her mind, as if he would fade away if she forgot for even a moment.

"So," he said a minute later.

"So?" she replied, too busy trying to convince herself that they were really here, doing this, like this, in a hospital room.

"So, don't you have a question for me?" he asked with a grin.

She gaped. "You're asking me to steal your thunder?" she replied, shocked. She would never have expected him to relinquish that.

He shrugged and squeezed her hands. "Seems to me that I just heard the world's most amazing proposal," he said softly. "But it was kind of missing a crucial element, you know?" He worked her mother's ring off of her finger and held it loosely in his palm as she stared at him. "I have an answer, I promise," he added.

Kate swallowed. Oh, wow, _she_ was going to propose to Richard Castle? And like this? On his hospital bed, with him tubed and taped up—that was how they were going to do this?

"It'll be the best story ever," he coaxed.

Well, with encouragement like that. "Richard Castle," Kate said steadily, allowing a grin to bloom over her face. "Will you marry me?"

He slipped the ring back onto her finger and tugged on her hands until she stood and came to sit right at his side, one leg pulled up onto the bed so that they were face to face. She hoped she wasn't hurting him. But that worry disappeared as he pulled her face to his and found her lips, kissing her gently, like a promise.

"Yes," he breathed as they broke apart. "Yes, Katherine, I would love to marry you."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I love you guys. You're so awesome. I'm glad you enjoyed the last chapter, and I hope that this one makes up for the cliffhanger. Obviously, they still have some stuff to talk about, but I thought this was a good place to end this chapter. And, well, haven't you been waiting for those words for a while? I know I have.<strong>

**As an answer to some questions:**

**1. Yes, I know exactly where I want to end the story **

**-Though, at the same time, how long from now that ending occurs is still up in the air. **

**2. I AM working on original work. And, actually, I will be launching a website within the next few weeks that will debut the first case of my Original Detective Series. I hope you'll all take a look and let me know what you think. I'll give you more details on that as we get closer to the launch.**

**3. I love you guys so much. You're an amazing group of people, and I'm so happy to be a part of this fandom.**

**Emma**


	32. Chapter 32

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I don't think AWM and Co. have been talking about **_**Titus Andronicus**_** for a week. And we think murder is dark?**

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 32:<strong>

Someday, she'd tell her grandchildren the romantic story of how she proposed to her fiancé while he was laid up in a hospital bed with three broken ribs and a punctured lung. And she'd talk about how his heart had sped up, and she knew that for a fact because the incessant beeping hate spiked. She'd talk about how he wasn't able to move, but his smile had been luminescent. She'd glorify the smell and color of the room. Hell. They'd just gotten engaged in a hospital room. Kate giggled into the kiss she shared with said fiancé and he pulled back.

"Confidence booster," he muttered, smiling at her.

"Sorry," she laughed, leaning away from him so that her shakes didn't rattle his battered body. "It's just…this is…it's funny, right?"

He met her eyes and slowly began to laugh as well. "A little," he admitted. She watched as he winced and her laughter fell away.

"Are you in pain?" she asked quietly. Funny as their proposal might have been, it wasn't funny to watch him hurting just from trying to laugh.

"Some," he muttered.

"Do you want a nurse or some meds?" She wanted to make him feel better, but she felt utterly powerless.

He gently shook his head and raised her left hand to his lips, pressing a kiss just below her mother's engagement ring. "I'm good."

"You're happy," she whispered, unable to stop smiling, even as she glanced around the sterile white room, with its aggressive lighting and oddly strong draft.

"Guilty," he grinned. They were quiet for a moment and Kate raised a hand to run it through his hair, feeling her chest expand as he leaned into her palm. "Do you want another ring?" he asked, opening his eyes to meet hers.

Kate paused. Did she? "I…" she closed her mouth again and looked down and her hand where it had fallen to rest on his thigh. She needed the ring. It gave her confidence and purpose in the field, and she'd had it on her since her mother had died. But did she want it on her finger, where it would stare at her every day as she went through their life, reminding her of the milestones her mother and father would never reach together?

"Because, you know, at home, in my drawer, I have a ring," he continued. She snapped her gaze to his.

"Really?"

"What, you can have a wedding dress before we're engaged, but I'm weird for having a ring?" he laughed.

Kate narrowed her eyes. "And here I was going to be touched because you'd been planning something, and you had to go and ruin it."

"I'm incapable of ruining things right now," he asserted with false bravado. "I've just survived a serious injury, and therefore, I have a free pass for moment ruining."

Kate stared at him, unsure of whether she was amused, annoyed or just relieved that he was here, joking with her. She settled on option three and let out a slow breath. "Right, right. My apologies oh wounded King."

He grinned. "I like that."

"You would," she replied, shaking her head.

"But would you? Like another ring, I mean?" he repeated as he toyed with the diamond on her finger.

"I love this ring," she said softly. "But it's my mom's."

"Then, as soon as I am capable of getting down on one knee, we'll make sure you have your own ring."

She smiled and leaned forward to find his lips again, supporting her body with her right hand against the wall so that she didn't touch his chest. It occurred to her that it might be at least a month before he'd be ready to _celebrate_ their engagement. But he was alive, and that was the important thing to remember. She could go a month without sex.

"I'm going to hate this injury when we get home," he groaned against her lips.

"More than you do now?" she wondered aloud, pulling back to look at him, wonderfully there and alive and whole. She needed to keep assuring herself of it, despite the ring and the kisses and the irritating beep, beep, beep of the machines in the room with them.

"They're going to say I need to be on my back and upright for at least a week, and then I shouldn't be bearing any weight, my own or otherwise," he said, lifting an eyebrow suggestively. Kate snorted. "And I'm going to want to do all sorts of things to you, and I won't be able to, and you're wearing a ring, Kate, and you know, it's just not fair."

Leave it to her fiancé—_Fiancé_—to be petulant now. "I know," she agreed, smiling.

"Don't smile. This sucks," he exclaimed dramatically.

"I'm happy to see that it hasn't dented your melodramatic flair," she replied.

"Nothing, my dear, can dent that. You're stuck with it."

Kate shook her head, hearing voices approaching the room. She shifted herself down to the floor so that she stood at the side of the bed. "Pity."

"Hey, come back," he whined. "Why'd you move?"

The door to the room opened and Alexis skipped in, followed by Martha and Jim. "Dad." She hadn't called him, had she?

Jim smiled and walked over to wrap his arms around her while Martha helped Alexis climb carefully onto Rick's bed. "Martha called me on her way here," he explained. "How are you holding up, Katie?" he asked as they pulled apart.

"I'm okay," she said quietly, stepping back and smoothing a hand through her hair. "He's okay. She's okay."

Jim nodded for a second and then Kate swallowed a laugh as his eyes widened. "Katherine Beckett, what is on your finger?" he exclaimed, his voice ringing around the room.

Kate turned her head over her shoulder to meet Rick's eyes. "Funny, your Mom said the exact same thing."

Rick laughed while Martha tutted. "Give your father an answer, dear, before he divines one out of your ring."

Kate turned back and looked at her father. He stood there, his face a mix of shock, happiness and sadness. She realized, belatedly, that seeing his wife's ring on his daughter's finger might not be filled with as much joy as it could be. "Dad," she said quietly, breaking his gaze away from the diamond.

"You finally plucked up the courage, Rick?" he asked by way of answer, leaning around Kate to look at his future son-in-law. Had they talked about this already? She'd have to ask her _fiancé_ about that.

"She asked me," he replied. Kate heard Alexis giggle while Martha gasped. "What? She's the one that put it on to get in here. It was only fair," he told her.

"Really, Katie?" Jim asked, finally smiling.

Kate nodded shyly. "How much did Martha tell you?" She guided them over to the chairs by Rick's bedside and sat down with him.

"Only that Rick was in the hospital and that I should come down, just…" he paused. "Just that I should come down," he finished, glancing at Alexis, obviously uncomfortable with the idea of saying 'just in case,' in front of the little girl.

"Okay," Kate said, bobbing her head. "So, I got called down to pick up Alexis, because they needed me to sign her out, and, at the time, I didn't know that Rick was even in the hospital." She watched as her father looked around the room, taking them all in with greater detail. "Once I found out about the crash, and that he was somewhere here, I asked to see him, and they said no."

"Because you're not family?" Jim supplied, reaching over to take her left hand, his fingers finding the ring.

"Right," Kate sighed. "So I just…Alexis and I wanted to see him and find out what was wrong, because they wouldn't even tell us that. And you know I always have Mom's ring with me, so I pulled it out and said we were engaged, and they brought us here to see him," she recounted softly. She wasn't embarrassed, but something about telling her father made her feel about five years old.

Jim smiled. "That was clever of you, Katie."

Kate met his eyes. "It…thanks," she whispered.

Martha cleared her throat and Kate looked up at her. "And how exactly did you go from wearing your mother's ring to proposing to my son?"

Kate looked over at Rick and Alexis, who had snuggled up to her father's side, separated from his ribs by a pillow Martha must have found. "It, uh," she stammered.

"Kate told me what they did, and I asked if she had a question for me," Rick offered. "She asked, and I said yes."

The room fell silent for a moment. "Does this mean that you'll be my real Mommy?" Alexis asked, turning to look at Kate with the most hopeful expression she'd ever seen.

"I…" Real Mommy. Did that mean adoption? Did it just mean wife? She looked at Rick, who was merely smiling at her. "I…"

"We'll have to talk about the legal part of it, Sweetie. But yes, Kate would be my wife," Rick answered. Kate felt her father squeeze her hand.

Alexis nodded thoughtfully. "Can I be the flower girl?" she added.

Kate laughed. That was a question she could answer. "Of course you can, Alexis." The little girl grinned and leaned against the pillow, her eyelids fluttering. "Looks like someone's getting sleepy, huh, Lex?"

Alexis nodded. "Would you like us to take her home?" Martha asked, walking around to lift Alexis from the bed before she could fall asleep. She set her down on the floor and the little girl immediately shuffled over and climbed into Kate's lap.

Kate laughed quietly and shifted around until they were both comfortable. She wondered how long Alexis would remain so cuddly. "Can we send you home with Grandma and Grandpa Jim?" Kate asked her, giving Rick a small smile as he watched them.

"Are you staying here?" she asked sleepily.

Kate met Rick's eyes. "I…yes, I should, honey. Someone needs to be here to listen to what the doctors have to say about your Dad." That, and she couldn't possibly imagine leaving him here, alone.

"Can I stay too?" Kate looked down at the little girl and found her staring up into her eyes. As easy and happy as she'd seemed when she'd returned with Esposito, she was still a frightened, traumatized child.

"Wouldn't you be more comfortable at home in your own bed?" Jim interjected, reaching over to smooth his hand through the girl's hair.

Alexis shook her head. "I wanna stay here with Daddy and Mommy."

Jim's eyebrows rose at 'Mommy,' but he didn't offer any comment on the matter. "But where will you sleep?"

"Where are you sleeping?" Alexis asked Kate.

Kate glanced around the room and spotted a small, yet feasible sofa. "I'll probably sleep on the couch, Honey."

Alexis looked over at the uncomfortable looking sofa. "It's small," she observed. "But I…" she shifted to look at Rick. "I'm…"

Scared? Hurt? Terrified? Rattled? Worried that Rick would simply disappear if she so much as left the hospital? Kate supposed that Alexis must feel the same as she did, and she desperately did not want to leave. She met Rick's eyes and found him watching his daughter, his wide blue eyes full and shiny at the girl's obvious discomfort and fear.

"We'll figure something out, then, baby," Kate decided, pulling the child closer on her lap. She looked up at their parents and found both watching her with mirroring expressions of concern. "Maybe I can sweet talk a nurse into getting us a cot for her."

"Isn't that against protocol?" Jim asked.

"You'd be surprised by how much broken protocol a few well-placed donations can create," Rick said.

"Honestly, Richard," Martha chuckled.

"Hey," he protested, shooting a glance at Alexis. "Cut me some slack."

"I don't wanna leave," Alexis said into Kate's neck.

"I know," Kate sighed, rubbing her back. Should they let her stay? Kate needed to. And Alexis wouldn't be ready to go to school in the morning, no matter what. "Even if Grandma and Grandpa are there with you?" she asked, making one last attempt, regardless of the fact that she'd already said yes.

"What if Daddy doesn't wake up?" Alexis whispered for her alone.

Kate blinked hard as sudden tears sprang to her eyes. Was Alexis worried Rick would die over night? She couldn't send the child home now, not after that. "He will. I promise," she whispered back.

"I don't wanna leave you," Alexis continued. "Please don't make me go."

Kate looked around the room, silently begging for help. She couldn't say no. She just couldn't. But they needed somewhere for her to sleep, since Alexis herself wasn't in great shape.

"I'll be right back," Jim said quietly.

They watched as he left the room. Kate felt Alexis sagging against her shoulder, her breath coming in slow, even passes. Martha took Jim's vacated seat and they both looked at Rick.

"You don't have to stay, Kate," he said, his eyes still trained on his daughter. "You'll both sleep better at home."

Kate shook her head. "I…like I said, someone should be here with you."

"They'll call if anything comes up, you know," he continued.

"We're staying," Kate asserted. She couldn't leave. She couldn't walk out the door and take Alexis home, like it had never happened. She'd crack long before they reached the loft, and she couldn't collapse like that. She just needed to be here, listening to the pulse of his heart. Otherwise, what was there to hold onto?

"Kate, you'll be more comfortable at home, and you can come back in the morning," Rick argued.

"If it was me, would you leave?" she asked softly, ignoring his mother next to her and the girl in her lap.

He frowned. "No, but…"

"But nothing. Right or wrong, we're staying."

"And you'll have two cots to sleep on," Jim added as he came back into the room.

"How did you manage that?" Martha asked in surprise.

"Katie and Rick aren't the only ones with charm," he laughed. "Simply asking gets you pretty far, especially with Alexis as a bargaining chip. New mother afraid for her kid, you know?"

They stared at him. Kate shook her head and hugged Alexis tighter, bending to kiss her forehead. She could think about exactly what her father meant later. Right now, she just wanted to sit there, with her daughter on her lap and her fiancé alive in his hospital bed. "Thanks, Dad," she offered quietly.

Jim smiled. "It's no problem Katie. I wouldn't have wanted to leave if I were in your shoes."

Kate met his eyes gratefully while Martha ran a soft hand over her back. Would it always be like this—being an adult and parent, while still being a child to someone else? She'd thought she'd grown out of being her father's child and into simply being his daughter, a distinction she'd stood by when he'd fallen into the bottle. How could she be a child when she had to take care of him? But now? Now, she felt small and scared, even while she knew she was strong and sturdy for Alexis.

Martha looked over at Jim and they had a silent conversation while Rick let out a low breath and sagged into his pillows. "Are you okay?" Kate asked quietly.

He looked at her, biting his lip. "Just…just tired," he replied.

"Then we'll get out of your hair," Martha announced, squeezing Kate's shoulder before standing and joining Jim at the foot of Rick's bed. "We'll be back tomorrow. You call us if something changes," she added, turning to Kate.

"I promise," she nodded. "Thank you."

Martha and Jim smiled. "It's our pleasure, Kate," Jim told her. "And congratulations. I'm honored to welcome you into our family," he said, turning to Rick, whose eyes widened comically.

"Thank you," he managed. "And likewise."

Jim smiled and gently patted the man's foot while Martha walked around the bed to press a kiss to her son's forehead. "We'll see you tomorrow, kiddo."

Rick smiled and then they watched as their parents left the room. Alexis gave a small grunt in her sleep and clutched at the shoulder of Kate's light jacket. She and Rick stared at each other. She watched his chest rise and fall and noted the crease above his brow, as though every movement cost him energy and strength.

"Do you want me to call a nurse?" She didn't want to watch him in pain, and he should probably sleep soon.

He found her eyes. "Hurts," he admitted, lifting his left hand to gently touch his uppermost rib on his right side.

Kate nodded sadly. "I'm sure it does. But I know they'll have meds for you. And you should sleep."

"But you're here," he replied, frowning. "I don't want to go to sleep."

"We'll be here when you wake up," Kate said, smiling at him, trying to provide a comfort she couldn't physically show with Alexis in her lap.

"Mom was white," he murmured. He looked concerned and a bit confused.

"Think about how you felt when you woke up," Kate said gently. "Think about seeing Alexis like this." His eyes widened and he nodded very slightly, grimacing. "You have to stop moving," she chided. She knew how Martha felt, or at least partly. She'd probably looked just the same when she'd crashed into Alexis' hospital room. Even now, looking at the bruising on the girl's cheek made her stomach clench.

There was a knock at the door and two orderlies came in with rolling cots. They smiled at the three of them and set the beds up in the corner of the room, pushing the couch over to where Alexis and Kate sat, so that there was a veritable bank of seats along the right side of Rick's bed.

"Let us know if you need anything else, Miss Beckett," the older of the two said as they straightened everything out. "And someone will be in to give you meds in a few minutes, Mr. Castle."

"Thank you," Kate replied, watching as they left.

She stood carefully and brought Alexis over to the smaller cot. She gently laid the girl down and slipped off her shoes before tugging the blankets up over her. She glanced around, slightly chilly now that she didn't have Alexis attached to her body. There was a fleece on the couch and she grabbed it, laying it over Alexis and smoothing down the edges as she stood there, watching the little girl sleep soundly on the white bed. Thank God she was just sleeping, not dead, staring lifelessly ahead.

Kate took a shuddering breath. They were both fine. They were. She could see them and hear them. But the wall she'd put up was starting to crack. She hoped they got there soon with Rick's meds.

"Kate."

She turned and walked quietly over to his bedside. He looked so pale and tired, and the crease in his forehead was deeper now. "They'll be here soon with the meds," she promised, leaning down to kiss the little wrinkle, hoping to sooth him.

"Are you okay?" he asked, looking up at her with dull, tired eyes. Apparently he'd been putting on a show for their parents and Alexis as well.

"I'm fine," she assured him. She wasn't about to unload on him, not now. When she got him home and he was in their bed, she could talk about how scared she'd been, how scared she still was. She could tell him exactly what it was like to find Alexis lying in a hospital bed, and how terrified she'd been that they would take her away. But now, she needed to help him calm down and sleep.

"You're lying," he protested as she fussed with his blankets.

Kate leaned down and kissed him, allowing the feeling of his warm lips to ease the panic that was welling back up in her chest. "I'm okay, I promise," she whispered as she pulled back.

"You're not breathing right," he continued. "I can see it."

"Hey," she stopped him, placing a finger to his lips. "You need to focus on you right now, okay?"

"But," he mumbled around her digit, pressing his lips to it. "But you…"

"Shh," she replied, giving him a soft smile. "I'm good."

"Kate," he sighed as the door opened and Nurse Westin came in.

"Ready to sleep, Mr. Castle?" she asked, walking around to the opposite side of the bed, where his IV hung.

"No," he said weakly, looking at Kate. "I…"

"He's in pain," Kate provided, running a hand through his hair even as he glared at her. "And his breathing is shallow."

"So is hers," Rick cut in, shooting Kate a challenging look.

"I'm sure it is," Westin chuckled. "It's not every day you find your fiancé and step-daughter in the hospital." Rick scowled while she changed over his fluids. "Now, we're only going to give you a light dose of morphine for the night, but it should knock you out. Tomorrow, we'll move you to prescription so you're ready to go home. Call us if anything changes, Miss Beckett. I understand you're staying here tonight?"

Kate nodded. "Thank you."

She smiled and flicked one of the tubes, causing liquid to swirl down and into Rick's arm. "I don't want it," Rick muttered, even as Kate watched his eyelids flutter, just like his daughter's had some thirty minutes earlier.

"You'll be glad you had a knock-out night," Westin replied. "Sleep well, all of you."

She left after marking Rick's chart and dimming the lights, while Kate continued to card her fingers through his hair as he fought to stay awake. "Just sleep, Rick," she whispered.

"Not…fair…" he worked out, staring up at her through eyes that slid shut for a few seconds ever other blink.

"Just sleep," she repeated, leaning down to kiss his forehead as he finally lost the battle and his eyes fell shut.

She listened as he breathed in and out, watching his chest rise and fall with each slow exhale. The heart rate monitor continued to beep and she stayed there, her cheek pressed to his forehead for a long moment. She'd almost lost them. A faster moving car, a moment too soon, a moment too late—one infinitesimal change and they would be gone. And maybe she'd have gotten to keep Alexis, but Rick would have been dead. Even then, Meredith could have taken her. Who would give a single cop custody of a child, when her mother was rich and powerful?

She would have lost Rick, had Alexis taken from her, and been left alone, standing in front of a casket. There would have been another grave to visit once a year, another death to carry around and wear like a cloak against the world.

A tear slipped down her cheek and Kate began to hyperventilate in earnest. She wrenched herself away from Rick and stumbled into the bathroom, closing the door gently behind her and sinking down against it until she hit the cold tile of the small, white, cramped bathroom. Fear and panic surrounded her and she found herself curled up against the door, her knuckles white as she gripped at her own jacket while her chest rose and fell in shallow, heaving gasps. Picture upon picture of that bleak future swirled through her mind, even as she tried to convince herself that they were there, just on the other side of the door, alive and sleeping.

She was going to marry him. He could have died. She'd wear that beautiful gown on the beach. He could have been paralyzed. Alexis would be their flower girl. She could have been smashed to pieces. She'd be his wife. She could have been his widow—alone before she could even truly carry the title.

She felt like two sides of a warring battle. No matter what she told herself, she cried and shook. She'd known it was coming. Hell, she'd even told Martha she'd break down when she got the chance. But she hadn't expected it to be like this. She hadn't expected to sob like she had the night her mother had died. She hadn't expected to feel like the world was ending. For in reality, both her husband-to-be and daughter-to-be were alive. Her mother was dead. She was wearing her ring. But that ring was a symbol now of the life Rick and Alexis had within their veins.

She leaned her head back against the door and stared up at the ceiling through clouded eyes as her chest began to calm. She was freezing, sitting there in the tiny bathroom, and she was shaking. Slowly, she stood and shuffled over to the sink, turning on the water and splashing her face. She looked up into the mirror as she wiped the water off of her skin and took in her own appearance. She was pale and clammy looking, with deep circles under her eyes and mascara running down her cheeks.

It didn't matter though. It wasn't as though the press would be in their room before she had the chance to clean up. She should have asked Martha to bring them a bag. She probably would anyway, wouldn't she? She was a mother. Mothers did that kind of thing.

Kate looked down at her hand. Was she a mother now? Alexis was calling her 'Mommy,' but what did that really mean? Legally, she didn't have a chance in hell of keeping Alexis if something like this ever happened again. But once they were married? Would she adopt the little girl? Would Meredith let her? Should she? If Rick ever did die, she wanted to keep that little girl.

Oh, God, he could have died. Kate shook her head. She needed to stop the spiral. She used the bathroom quickly and braided her hair. She'd go out and lay down and watch them breathe. That would calm her down. She hiccuped and another tear trailed down her cheek. Maybe it wouldn't fix her, but it couldn't be worse than staying huddled in the bathroom, sobbing until her chest exploded.

Quietly, she opened the door and shut off the light, tiptoeing over to the second cot in the corner of the room. She toed off her heels and slipped under the blankets, lying on her side so she could watch both Rick and Alexis as they slept. She'd managed to stop sobbing, but tears continued to trail down her cheeks. She decided that she didn't care, even as her pillow got wet. As long as she was quiet, it didn't matter. And maybe, like that night almost six years ago, she'd simply cry herself to sleep.

She worked her cell out of her pocket when it jabbed into her hip. She flipped it open and smiled a she caught sight of a text from Ryan:

_Esposito says they're fine. GOOD. Montgomery says you're benched for tomorrow and weekend, and talk before you come back. Cheers—R._

That was a worry off her list. She'd have to give Ryan cookies or something. She'd have to give all of them cookies for being wonderful, wonderful friends. Maybe she'd make the men a feast when they had their Halo day. She set the phone down onto the little side table they'd put between the beds and then watched her family breathe, hoping to lull herself into sleep.

But sleep didn't come. She just listened to the relentless beeping of his heart and the quiet whoosh from the bed next to hers. She snuffled quietly and ran the back of her hand under her nose and then against her cheeks, wiping away her own tears. They were alive, but she hurt, in a deep aching way that, had she not lost her mother, would have surprised her. But she knew this feeling. This was grief. No amount of rationalizing it would make it disappear, and she simply had to ride it out.

A few minutes later, Alexis began shifting in her bed. Kate stayed still, hoping she was merely rolling around, but then the little girl let out a small moan. "No," she whispered, tossing more aggressively. Kate slowly climbed out of bed and quietly shuffled over to sit down at Alexis' hip. She leaned over and stilled the girl's hands as she stroked her hair.

"Sweetie," she whispered.

"Daddy," Alexis whimpered, a tear making its way down her face from scrunched eyes as she shuddered in her sleep.

"Alexis," Kate tried again, bending down to kiss her forehead. "Honey, wake up, you're dreaming."

Alexis' eyes popped open and she stared up at Kate, breathing heavily. "I…" she sobbed.

Kate bent down and scooped her up, pulling her up so that she could cradle her against her chest. Alexis immediately wrapped her arms around Kate's neck and legs around her waist, burying her head into her shoulder.

"You're okay," Kate whispered, rocking them side-to-side. "You're okay. I'm here. Everything's fine, honey." They were all okay. They were all alive. Damn tears—they fell down her face too and she reached up to wipe them hastily away.

"Is…Daddy…is Daddy okay?" she whispered.

Kate pulled away and looked down into the eyes of the frightened little girl. "Your Daddy is just fine," she said, smiling as much as she could. "Do you want to see him? We have to be very quiet." They were already whispering, but Kate knew that Rick Castle, super Dad, would be one of the few people alive who could come out of a morphine sleep if his daughter needed him.

Alexis nodded and Kate swung her legs off the bed, standing with a small grunt as she lifted Alexis into her arms. She brushed a strand of hair out of the girl's face and kissed her forehead as she padded over to Rick's bedside.

"See?" she breathed, rubbing Alexis' back as she looked down at her father. "He's okay."

Alexis nodded and then shuddered into Kate's neck as she hid her face. Kate felt her chest clench and slowly made her way to the door so that she could take Alexis into the hallway to talk. She wanted to comfort the little girl, and she couldn't do that in the silent room. Part of her also wanted to truly see Alexis, to assure herself that the girl was fine. She hoped she'd become more rational as they got farther away from the crash.

She gently closed the door behind them and then walked down the hall until she found a few chairs. She had no idea what time it was, but it hardly mattered. All that was important at the moment was calming Alexis down.

Kate gently slid into one of the chairs and Alexis shifted around until she was comfortable on her lap, pulling back so that she could look up at Kate. "I was so scared," she whispered. "And…and in my dream, we were in the car, and Daddy, Daddy was all bloody and dead and he was on…on top of me and I couldn't…couldn't move and then…and then…" she took a great, heaving breath and Kate felt a tear slip down her cheek. She'd have woken screaming from this nightmare too. "And then I call…called for you and you ca…came, but you…you got hit too and I…I…"

"Oh, honey," Kate breathed, gently brushing her thumbs over the girl's cheeks to wipe away her tears. "I'm right here. Everybody's all okay now."

"I…I know," Alexis nodded, even as she continued to cry.

"Can you take a deep breath for me, Sweetie?" Kate coaxed, breathing in and out with the little girl until her sobs quieted slightly and she started to snuffle. "Everything's going to be just fine. It's over now," she assured her, leaning forward to kiss her forehead again, in a gesture she couldn't seem to stop repeating.

"I know," she said shakily. "But…but it was so scary."

"I know, sweetie," Kate sighed. "I'm so sorry."

"And I can't stop…stop crying," she sniffed. She was much calmer, but tears were still streaking down her cheeks.

"That's normal, honey," Kate assured her.

Alexis blinked up at her and then raised a small hand to wipe one of Kate's cheeks. "Is that why you're crying too?"

Kate blinked. Was she still crying? "I guess so," Kate offered, giving her a soft smile.

"Were you scared?" she asked, her voice small and timid, like she couldn't believe an adult could possibly be scared.

"When they called me and told me you were in the hospital? I don't think I've ever been so scared in my life," she told her honestly.

"Really?"

"Really," Kate nodded, running a hand through the girl's hair. "Hearing that something happened to you? Alexis, that's my waking nightmare."

"But…but I'm okay," Alexis replied, confused.

Kate laughed. "I know that now, silly. But before I got here, I didn't know what was wrong."

"They should have told you," the little girl huffed out.

"I agree," Kate murmured. "And I felt the same about your Dad when you told me he was in the crash with you."

"They wouldn't tell me anything," Alexis whispered. "But then you came and it was okay."

"I'm glad I could make it better," she smiled.

"Mo…Kate…Mo…" Alexis bit her lip. "What do I call you?"

Kate was taken aback. They'd never discussed titles with Alexis, because they'd agreed that, whatever her decision, it was Alexis' decision to make. If it came up with Meredith, they'd deal with it. But she'd never expected Alexis to ask her. "Honey, why are you asking me?"

"Because when I asked if you'd really be my Mommy, Daddy said that you had to talk about it," she whispered. "Do you not want to be my Mommy?"

Oh. Well, that was something she needed to fix. "Alexis, I would love to be your Mom," she assured her.

The girl smiled but then frowned, obviously still confused. "Then why do you have to talk about it, about the legal part?"

"Being your Mommy, if you want to call me Mommy, is different from being your legal mother," Kate explained slowly. She wished she could wake Rick up for this one, since he might be better at navigating this conversation. But he was hurt and asleep, and if she really _did_ want to be Alexis' mother, legal or otherwise, she needed to woman up here.

"Why?"

She sighed and shifted a bit beneath the little girl. "Well, you already have a Mommy," she began, waiting for Alexis' reluctant nod. "So, she's your real Mommy, your biological Mommy."

"But she's not a Mommy," Alexis argued. "She's my mother, not my Mommy."

Kate felt the corner of her mouth twitch. "And you want a Mommy?"

"No," Alexis shook her head. "I want _my_ Mommy. And you're my Mommy."

How had they gotten here? When had she gotten to parsing Mommies with this extraordinary little girl? "Well, you have me, Sweetie. You'll always have me."

"So why do you and Daddy need to talk?" she asked quietly. "It's my decision, not his."

Kate blinked. Maybe she'd grow up to be a lawyer someday. "That's very…observant of you, Alexis," she replied. She knew that Rick felt the same way, but it was surprising to find that Alexis believed it too.

"Daddy shouldn't care what I call you. And I want you to be my Mommy. Please? I know, in the winter, you said you couldn't," she added in a small voice. "But if you're gonna marry Daddy, you can, right?"

"That's what your Daddy was talking about," Kate nodded. "If I marry your Daddy, then maybe I can have some legal custody of you."

"Like Daddy has, and Mommy doesn't?" Alexis inferred.

"Right," Kate nodded. "If I got partial custody, or…or adopted you, then, if something does happen to your Dad, I'd get to keep you."

"Because now, you wouldn't?" Alexis cut in quickly, her eyes wide. "They could take you away from me?"

Kate leaned down and pressed her forehead to the little girl's, trying to calm her down as her breathing sped back up. "Your Gram and I would fight very hard to keep you, Alexis," she promised.

"But Mommy could take me away?" she whispered. "I don't…I love Mommy, but I don't…I wanna stay with you," she begged.

"Hey," Kate murmured. "Hey now. No one's taking you away, Alexis," she soothed. "This is hypothetical. Your Daddy is just fine, and you're going to stay with us, and with him. Come on now," she coaxed, rubbing her back. "You're safe."

"I don't wanna leave you," Alexis cried, taking her hands. "Please don't let them take me away."

"Alexis," Kate said firmly, tilting the girl's face up to meet hers. What a mess. "No one is taking you away from me. No one is going to. And once your Daddy and I get married, we'll make sure that if, God forbid, anything ever happens to him, then I can stay with you. Okay? But right now, you're here, and I'm here, and we're together."

Alexis stared at her for a moment before she nodded very slowly. "Okay," she whispered. "Promise?"

"Alexis," Kate said firmly, taking one of her little hands and placing it over her heart. "I _want_ to be your Mommy, and I am going to stay with you. I promise you that."

Alexis was silent for a moment before she smiled and leaned forward to wrap her arms back around Kate's neck. "Can I still call you Mommy?" she asked as Kate rubbed her back and rested her cheek against the back of her head.

"You can call me whatever you want, baby girl," Kate murmured. "Like you said, it's your decision." She wouldn't stop Alexis from calling her "Mommy," or "Momma," or "Queen Mary the First," as long as it made the child believe that she was safe and loved. It broke her heart that, despite all proof to the contrary, Alexis was actively worried that she'd be taken away.

Though, as they sat there, Kate wondered if it was so far fetched. Hadn't she been worried about the same exact thing not hours earlier? Hadn't she clutched at the little girl, praying that she'd get to keep her if the worst had happened? And would she? Would being married to Rick allow her to keep Alexis if this situation ever arose again? Did she need to adopt the girl? Could she adopt her if Meredith was still around? Kate hadn't the slightest clue how any of it worked.

But it didn't matter at the moment. Alexis was falling back to sleep, her breathing slowing down against Kate's shoulder. Kate smiled and stood slowly, cradling the girl against her as she wandered back to Rick's room. She gently let them back inside and closed the door, standing still for a moment so that her eyes could adjust to the dimness of the room. It wasn't quite dark, with the machines throwing light over the floor and the soft glow streaming in from the street-side window. Kate watched the rise and fall of his heart on the monitor and then walked over to Alexis' cot, laying the girl down onto the stiff, white sheets.

She watched her sleep for a moment before she covered her with the blankets and ran a tender hand over her side. Alexis smiled in her sleep and Kate simply stood there, staring at her. Tomorrow, she'd have to talk to Rick about custody. They wouldn't take this child from her. They couldn't.

Slowly, she climbed into her own cot and settled beneath the blankets. Her thoughts flew dizzily for a long while, mulling everything over. She couldn't focus on any one thing, and gradually, she began to calm down, oddly lulled by the sound of his heart. She didn't notice her eyes falling shut an hour later, and sleep took her under, silent in its descent.

'

_"Miss Beckett?"_

_ Kate looked up and swallowed as Nurse Westin came through the double doors. Alexis shifted on her lap and blinked up at her as Kate checked to see if she was all right, the same way she'd been glancing at the girl for the past twenty minutes._

_ "Yes?" she replied after a moment, looking back at the nurse. She felt her heartbeat speed up as she took in the woman's somber expression. No. God, no._

_ A doctor came through the double doors, his green scrubs covered in blood, surgical mask in hand. No. No. NO. "Miss Beckett, my name is Dr. Joeberg. I was the surgeon for your fiancé."_

_ "I…" Kate swallowed thickly. He couldn't be there to tell her what she thought he was. It just couldn't be. "What…"_

_ "I'm sorry," he said quietly._

_ Kate's breath caught and she clutched at the little girl on her lap, who turned to look up at the doctor. "Where's Daddy?"_

_ Dr. Joeberg's Adam's apple bobbed up and down for a moment. "Sweetheart, I'm very sorry, but your father didn't make it through the surgery."_

_ Kate startled as Alexis lunged for the man. She held on tight and restrained her, shocked by the sudden violence. "No!" Alexis screamed, tears erupting from small, wide, horrified eyes. "Bring him back!"_

_ "Alexis," she whispered, holding tight as she fought against her arms. "Alexis, baby, hey."_

_ Alexis stopped fighting instantly, spinning around in her lap so they could look at each other. "He's lying," she asserted weakly. "Mommy tell him to stop lying. It's not…it's not funny," she whimpered._

_ Kate looked up at the doctor, who merely hung his head. Slowly, she looked back at Alexis and met the little, red-rimmed eyes that looked so much like Rick's did. Rick's had. Her…he was dead. Alexis' hand found hers, her fingers straying to the ring as they looked at each other. Kate was in shock, and Alexis looked no better._

_ "Momma," she whispered._

_ "Oh, honey." She couldn't think of anything else to say, and so she wrapped the girl up, rocking them both side to side as Alexis let go and wept raggedly into her neck._

_ Kate barely noticed the tears streaming down her own cheeks. "And there's nothing you can do?" she asked the doctor, looking up at him over her daughter's shaking body._

_ He shook his head sadly. "We did everything we could, but his lungs were filled with blood and we couldn't suction it out as quickly as it poured in. I'm very sorry."_

_ Hollow, empty words that meant nothing continued to pour from his lips, but she didn't care. She couldn't listen above the buzzing in her ears and the mantra, "dead, dead, dead," that rolled through over and over. "Fine. Thank you," she cut him off._

_ He nodded slowly. "We'll come and get you when we have everything settled. Someone should be out with his things soon."_

_ "Fine," she repeated._

_ She watched as he walked away. What did she do now? What was she supposed to do? What did she say to Alexis? How did she fix it? She couldn't fix it. Rick was dead. Her boyfriend was dead. Her fiancé was dead. She took a shuddering breath. Oh, God, he was dead. He'd died. _

_ No matter how she said it to herself, it didn't seem to click. He couldn't be. But he was. It felt like something was trying to eat her alive, climbing out of her chest and up through her throat until it settled behind her eyes, pushing all of her tears down her cheeks and sucking the very breath out of her. It felt different than her mother's death had. That had crushed her down, while this seemed to be trying to pull her apart, muscle by agonizing muscle. And maybe that was Alexis clinging to her neck, whispering "no," into her shoulder over and over._

_ "Oh, honey," Kate sighed, continuing to rock them. "Oh, Alexis."_

_ "Make him come back," Alexis begged, pulling back to look at her. "Please, Momma, please."_

_ "If I could, Alexis, I would do anything—anything," she wept. She'd cut off her hands and gouge out her eyes to bring him back. Anything. She would do whatever it took. But she remembered this feeling. There was nothing they could do. He was gone, lying on some hospital table while they stitched him up, making him presentable for—for what? For an open casket, so she could say goodbye and watch his perfect, handsome, wonderful face interred into the earth?_

_ "I want Daddy," Alexis told her._

_ Kate reached out and wiped her face with gentle, shaking hands. "I know, honey."_

_ "Please," she cried._

_ "I'm so sorry," Kate whispered, bringing their foreheads together. "I'm so sorry."_

_ The doors at the opposite side of the room burst open and Martha charged in, only to come to a complete halt as she met Kate's eyes. "Kate," she said softly, her voice ringing around the room. "Is?"_

_ Kate merely shook her head and watched as Martha stumbled backward into Esposito, who caught her shoulders and steadied her, his face ashen. He brought her over and gently guided her into the stiff chair next to Kate's. She reached out, watching as her fingers trembled and then closed around Martha's hand._

_ "You're…" Martha looked at her hand. "You're wearing a ring," she observed quietly._

_ "We wanted to see him," Kate replied, her voice rough._

_ "Momma, Momma said they were…they were engaged," Alexis whispered. "Grandma," she added, reaching out for her grandmother, who reached over to take her hand with her free one. "I want Daddy."_

_ "I know," Martha murmured while Kate watched a tear trail down her cheek. "And there's nothing?" she asked, turning to Kate._

_ Kate shook her head sadly, taking a deep, rattling breath. "Nothing."_

_ Martha nodded and bit her own lip as more tears began to trail down her cheeks as well. "I'm sorry I couldn't be here sooner."_

_ Kate squeezed her hand. "You're…you're here now." They had each other, and that—that would have to be enough._

_ But it wasn't. A week later, as they stood together in front of a headstone, the three of them staring down at a placard that was supposed to represent the vivacious, effervescent man they'd known, it wasn't enough. No amount of togetherness would bring him back. And she wanted him back. She desperately wanted one more kiss, one more hug, one more anything. _

_ "Yes, I'm taking her. No, you can't stop me."_

_ They spun around and found Meredith stalking toward them, dressed in a stylish, black pantsuit, her expression serious and triumphant. Alexis wrapped her arms tighter around Kate's neck and she rubbed the girl's back. Why was Meredith harassing them now, of all times? She'd already bludgeoned her way into the funeral proceedings, claiming a speech and a spot in the first pew with them. What did she need now?_

_ "Kate, please hand me my daughter," she said without preamble, while Martha took a step closer to them._

_ "I…" Kate stammered. What?_

_ "I have to leave for California in a few hours, and Alexis isn't even packed yet."_

_ "What?" Kate managed. They hadn't discussed this. There had been no talk of moving Alexis. Martha had decided to move to the apartment with them, and she and Kate were going to raise Alexis together. Rick had left her his money, a staggering situation in its own right, and so Kate could provide for them without problem. And they had the loft. They had each other. _

_ "My daughter, Kate," Meredith repeated, holding out her hands for Alexis, who didn't budge. "Come now, I didn't think we'd need to draw this out. I live in California, and I can't just pick up and move back. So, would you please either hand her over or come back to the loft to help her pack up? You can send her things along in a few weeks."_

_ Kate blinked and Martha wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "Meredith, think about what you're doing," she said in a low voice. "You want to rip this child away from the woman she's lived with for six months, and nearly a year before that? You want to take her away from her home and friends, now?"_

_ "I'm her mother," Meredith sniffed. "That's what's important."_

_ Kate couldn't believe it. This seemed so callous, even for Meredith. Then suddenly there were a number of large, tall men in black suits behind her, arms folded across their chests._

_ "I have the law on my side," Meredith continued. "She's my daughter, and you have no legal claim over her."_

_ "No," Alexis whispered into her neck. "Please don't let her take me, Momma." _

_"See, she doesn't want you," Meredith sneered, her face twisting into a maniacal grin. "She wants her Momma."_

_ Then the men were ripping Alexis from her arms while the girl screamed and writhed, trying to get back to her. Kate lunged forward, but another one of the enforcement guard was there, holding her back and restraining Martha as they watched Meredith take Alexis away. _

_ Kate screamed, struggling against the arms that held her back, crying out for the daughter they were taking away from her—the daughter that was more hers than Meredith's. "She's not yours," the man whispered in her ear, his hot breath making her shiver._

_ "Yes she is," Kate yelled. "Give her back! Give her back!"_

'

Kate woke with a jolt, breathing heavily, her chest heaving as tears streamed down her cheeks. She stared up at the white, tiled ceiling of the hospital room and tried to figure out what was going on. A face swam into view and she found Martha there leaning over her.

"Alex…Alexis," she managed, trying to sit up even as Martha held her down. "Where's Alexis?" She had to get her back. Why was she in the hospital? Was Rick in the next bed over?

"With your father, dear," Martha smiled, smoothing a hand over her hair.

"I…dream?" she asked, scattered information finally filtering back in. They were in Rick's hospital room. She'd woken Alexis from a nightmare earlier. But it was brighter now—morning.

"It looked like you were having a bad one," Martha nodded. "And you were muttering and thrashing around. Richard's rather worried, actually."

She shifted and allowed Kate to sit up. Kate looked around, blinking against the harsh lights. There he was, blissfully alive. And Alexis was with her father. They were okay. There was no funeral. There were no tall men in black suits keeping her from the daughter they ripped away. Meredith wasn't there.

"You okay?" Rick asked, watching her with wide eyes.

"I…yeah," Kate sighed, running a hand over her face to wipe away the tears and sweat. "Just a nightmare." That's all it was, all it had been. They were all here, and Alexis wasn't being flown to California with a mother who'd looked like Satan incarnate by the end of that terrible vision. She should have known it was a dream. What parent hired bodyguards to abduct her own child?

Martha handed her a small towel and held out a glass of water for her. Kate shakily dried her face and took the proffered glass, swallowing a few large gulps while her pulse calmed down. It was just a dream. It was just a dream, brought on by her conversation with Alexis, and the hell of the previous day. She set the glass down on her bedside table and watched as Martha walked to the door.

"I'm going to go see where those two have gotten to, and we'll bring both of you some breakfast. You're cleared for semi-solids for the next day, Rick."

"Great. I'm starving," Rick told her, his voice light, but not up to his usual standards. Martha nodded and left the room, closing the door gently behind her while Kate and Rick stared at each other. "Get over here," he said gently.

Kate snorted quietly and slipped off of her cot to pad over to his bedside. She took the hand he extended to her and squeezed his fingers while she stared at his face—his whole, living, breathing, handsome face. "Hi," she whispered, trying to keep her voice steady. It was a losing battle.

"You look terrified," he offered. "What was your dream about?"

Kate shook her head. "It was just a nightmare."

"Kate," he stopped her, pulling on her hand until she settled next to his hip, careful not to jostle his body. "I've been with you through nightmares. You don't yell."

"I was yelling?" Kate asked, biting her lip. Well damn.

"Give her back," he said quietly. "Over and over."

Kate nodded and stared down at their hands. "Yeah."

"What happened?"

She looked up and met his eyes, unable to stop herself from reaching out to smooth a hand over the light stubble on his cheek. "Just…just a what if."

He watched her, finding answers to his unasked questions. "Alexis?"

Kate felt her mouth twitch. "Yeah." She fell silent, unsure of what to tell him. He was still in the hospital, tubed up and beeping. This wasn't really the best time for this conversation.

"Kate," he prompted after a minute's silence.

She sighed and wiped her free hand over her face. "You didn't make it, in the dream. And then we were at your funeral, and Meredith was there, with all of these big, tall guys," she laughed quietly. "Which is weird, if you think about it, since social workers and custody lawyers are usually small and well put together, you know?" she babbled, hearing the almost hysterical quality to her voice.

"And then?" Rick asked gently.

"And then she took Alexis and just walked away, and they held me back while Alexis was screaming, and we were standing on your grave and I just…" she trailed off, taking another deep breath. "It wasn't pleasant."

She watched as his eyes widened and then he tugged on her until she shifted closer—close enough for him to pull her into a kiss. She was so disoriented that she nearly sank into him, until the beeping of his heart monitor brought her back and she pulled away. "Sorry," she whispered as he winced.

"No," he panted, holding up a finger until whatever pain she'd caused had passed. "Minor pain compared to the emotional trauma you've been through."

Kate rolled her eyes. "Rick," she sighed.

"Kate," he returned, with the same put-upon tone. "Meredith won't get her."

She just looked at him. "Because single cop is so much better than wealthy actress?"

He stared back, confused. "You get my estate, and you have mother, and your Dad, and Esposito and Ryan and Lanie. And if we're married I…" he broke off for a moment. "We'll have to talk to her, just so that she doesn't try to sue or interfere."

"What?" Kate cut in. "I'm sorry, if we're married, then?"

"Then you could adopt her," he replied easily. "But we'll want to discuss that with Meredith so it's not just a paper that shows up on her desk one day. Can you imagine?"

"I…"

"Unless you don't want to," he added hastily.

"No," Kate shook her head rapidly. "No, I want to. I want to. I'm not going to marry you just to have Alexis taken away if you die." The nightmare had been bad enough. She couldn't live the reality. She could barely stand this reality, when he was whole and alive with her.

He smiled and she watched as it grew into a grin. "Good," he said softly. "Then we'll make sure you get to keep her."

"Good," she nodded. "I just…I…you…" she couldn't make the words make sense.

"I get it, Kate," he smiled. "I do. And I'm so sorry we had to go through this."

"Don't be," she replied. "Don't be. I'm just glad you're here."

He squeezed the hand that had fallen to his thigh and the door opened, Martha, Jim and Alexis trooping inside in gales of laughter.

"Hi," Alexis chirped, bouncing over to them.

Kate released Rick and stood up, reaching down to pick Alexis up and hug her close. The girl didn't seem to mind, and happily buried her face into Kate's shoulder. "You were asleep when I woke up," she offered, pulling back to look at her.

"Sorry, Munchkin," Kate laughed roughly. Everything was okay. They were all going to be just fine. And she would adopt Alexis. She'd get to keep her. She'd be _hers_.

Alexis shrugged and toyed with a strand of Kate's hair that had fallen out of her braid. "It's okay. Grandpa Jim and I got breakfast."

"Did you?" Kate smiled, walking them around to the little table Kate and Jim had set up in front of the chairs and couch. "What did you bring me?"

"A bear claw," Alexis replied happily, shimmying out of her lap as she sat down to prance over and get the pastry. She returned, holding one out for Kate and another for herself as she climbed up next to her.

"Thank you, Sweetie." She threw a smile at her father, who grinned back, and then turned her attention to the little girl. "How does your face feel, Lex?"

Alexis looked up at her, well rested and alert, even though half of her right cheek was a ghastly, bluish purple. "I'm okay, Momma," she said quietly.

Kate smiled and ran a hand through her _daughter's_ hair. "Yeah, you are, aren't you?"

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, yeah, this happened. I'll admit, I toyed <strong>_**extremely briefly**_** with the idea of killing Rick off. It would have become a very different story, and the conclusion could not have been nearly so happy, especially because Kate might not have gotten to keep Alexis. However, I did want to touch on that reality, so you guys got the dream. **

**I really enjoyed writing this chapter, and I'm looking forward to the next few very much. I hope you're enjoying it with me. **

**As always, I love you guys.**

**Emma**


	33. Chapter 33

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: If anyone wants to get me a writing gig on Castle, I'd be forever grateful. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 33:<strong>

Richard Castle was a hospital nuisance. With renewed energy from a full night's knockout sleep, he was closer to his normal self, and wholly annoying.

"Daddy," Alexis whined, tossing her cards back onto his lap. "Stop cheating!"

"I'm not cheating," Rick protested as he quickly flipped a card up by the corner and then pressed it back down onto the pile. "I'm offended that you think so."

"You're sneaking looks," Alexis protested. "Mommy, make him stop cheating."

Kate looked up from the book she'd been reading. "Rick, play fair. She's eight. If you can't beat her, then you deserve to lose."

He scowled at her. "I expected more compassion in this state, you know."

Alexis huffed. "Hurt or not, you're not allowed to cheat."

Kate stifled a laugh, covering her mouth with her book, while Rick gaped at his daughter. "Did you hear that? Did you? My own daughter!"

"Is trying to beat you at Gin Rummy, a game she just learned. Play fair, Rick," Kate admonished. "And they'll be here in a few minutes to take you in for x-rays, so try to win fast, okay, Alexis?"

Alexis turned and grinned at her while Rick pouted and dramatically took another card, sighing as he threw it into the discard pile. "I'dve been better off teaching you poker," he told the little girl as she happily threw down her cards.

"Gin Rummy!" she grinned.

"If anyone's teaching Alexis poker, it's me," Kate snorted. "She'll never develop a poker face with you. You'll just make faces until she cracks."

He arched an eyebrow in her direction. "I clean up at both of my poker games, thank you very much."

"Patterson's got nothing on me," she challenged.

"Care to put a joint account where your mouth is, Detective?"

"Guys," Alexis complained, cleaning up the cards. "Stop trying to beat each other. Daddy's in the hospital, Mommy. If I get to win, you have to pretend that he would too."

Kate and Rick stared at the little girl, trading expressions as Kate pouted and Rick grinned. "Thanks, munchkin," he laughed.

Alexis merely smiled and hopped off the bed to stuff her cards into the little backpack Martha had made up for her. She walked over and plopped down next Kate, tossing her legs up onto the little coffee table. She leaned into Kate's side and Kate carded a hand through her hair, which had finally come down from her messy ponytail.

"Comfortable?" she asked, glancing at Rick, who was watching them with a soft smile.

Alexis nodded and snuggled a little closer. "You're soft."

"Are you calling me fat?" Kate gasped with mock horror.

"Oh please," Rick said, rolling his eyes. "You're the farthest from fat you could possibly be."

"Soft, not fat, Mommy," Alexis grumbled. "Now you're just trying to be silly."

Kate laughed. "Sorry, kid."

Alexis merely sank back against her stomach, pulling her legs off the coffee table. Kate smiled and shifted her until her head lay in her lap and she curled up beside her.

"Are you sleepy, honey?" she asked, looking down at Alexis as she closed her eyes.

"Little," she mumbled.

"It's okay to take a nap," Kate assured her.

"Kay," she whispered as Kate slipped a pillow beneath her head.

They sat in silence for a few minutes while Kate and Rick simply watched Alexis fall asleep. They'd been hanging in Rick's room for half the day. Martha and Jim would come back with dinner, but had left to get the apartment ready for Rick's return the next day. Kate thought that they just wanted to steal away and talk about them, but she wasn't really willing to dwell on that. Having a real conversation about their engagement with her father wasn't something she was keen to get to. She just felt embarrassed and small, like a child who'd accomplished a great task, but was unwilling to hear praise about it.

Rick shifted in his bed and Kate looked over at him, catching his grimace.

"You okay?" she asked quietly.

"Just sore. The x-ray'll show anything that's off," he added, finding her eyes with his. "I'll be fine."

Kate nodded. "Do you want me to come with you?"

He shook his head slowly. "I'll be okay on my own."

"Would you be better with a buddy?"

"No, I'm good. Really. I actually have a favor to ask," he said. He looked nervous somehow.

"Anything," she replied immediately. He smiled softly and then hesitated for a moment. "What is it, Rick?"

"We need to call Meredith," he sighed.

Kate felt her mouth fall open. How had she not done that before? She should have called Meredith as soon as she found out about Alexis. If it were the other way around, Kate would be furious. "I should have…" she trailed off as he raised a hand to stop her.

"Hey. The woman stormed out and didn't call for weeks a few months ago. And you were kind of busy getting engaged to me."

Kate shook her head. "She'll be furious."

Rick laughed. "She'll be worried, but she won't be furious. It's been a day, Kate. Don't worry about it. But I think we should call her, and they're going to have me in testing for an hour or so, and I think she has meetings today."

"I'll do it," she said immediately. What? _She'd_ call Meredith? What should she say? 'Hey, just so you know, your daughter and ex-husband were in a car crash yesterday, and Alexis is fine, but I thought you should know. Rick's going to live. Oh, and, by the way, we're getting married and I'm planning to adopt your daughter, so that if he dies, I keep her. Hope your acting career is going well.'

"Thank you," he said, relaxing back against the pillows. "She's in my phone."

Kate nodded and then looked down at Alexis. "Should I have her come out here so we can talk?" she asked after a minute. She wanted to do this right. She wanted Meredith to understand why she wanted custody, and wanted the chance to convince her to agree to it. And negligent mother or not, Meredith deserved as much.

"She mentioned wanting to come out the last time we talked," he said. "So yeah, suggest it. She's in between projects, as far as I know."

"Great. So I'll…invite her," Kate decided, biting her lip. "Do we tell Alexis?"

Rick looked at his daughter, conked out in Kate's lap, completely oblivious to everything around her. "I think we'll make it surprise. That way, if something comes up, she's not upset. I don't want to add anything to her load right now, you know?"

Kate nodded. "Sounds good. When you go in, I'll make the call."

"Sorry," Rick sighed.

"For what?"

"Well, I know the last thing either of us wants is to have that woman in the house. It's not like I can take us all out for lunch or anything."

Kate looked at him, sitting in the bed in his hospital gown, pale and tired. She gave him a soft smile as she ran a hand over Alexis' head. "It's for a good cause," she said quietly. "And it's probably best that it's not in public, in case she gets angry."

Rick nodded slowly, carefully. "I really don't know how she'll react. It's not like she has custody now."

"But she'd get Alexis, if something happened to you?"

"She could certainly try," he murmured. "I don't know that she'd win."

"But she could, and that's a problem," Kate continued. "I want this, Rick."

"I want it too," he smiled. "And we'll make sure it happens. Just be your charming self. You'll win her over."

Kate snorted quietly. "Somehow, I doubt that."

"I don't know," Rick grinned. "You're pretty awesome."

Kate laughed and stared at him, wearing what she was sure was an adoring smile. He was so handsome, even sitting there, sick and pale and injured. She toyed with the ring on her finger and watched as it glinted a small sparkling swatch of light onto Alexis' purple long-sleeved shirt.

"We're getting married," he murmured.

Kate looked up at him, feeling warm and safe for perhaps the first time since they'd seen him. "Yeah, we are."

He beamed at her. "I'm excited. You excited?"

She laughed. What a stupid question. "Yes," she nodded, her voice soft despite the ridiculousness of the question.

"Where should we get married?" he continued, shifting very slowly so he faced them more.

Kate considered him. Where did she want to get married? Her mind snapped to that vision they'd shared when she'd tried on her wedding dress. She felt herself smile and watched as they got married on the beach in front of a little arbor, with Alexis off to the side with Lanie and Madison, the boys behind Rick. It was sunny and smelled like the ocean and his smile was so big and bright.

"Hey, Earth to Kate," Rick chuckled.

"Hmm, sorry. What?" she asked, shaking her head. It was a captivating little picture.

"Where did we just get married?" he asked with a grin.

"In the Hamptons," she said quietly. "On the beach."

"Sounds perfect," he murmured. Kate nodded. "When?"

"Uh…" she stammered. How long did it take to plan a wedding? She'd been a bridesmaid three times before, but she'd never been a maid of honor, so she hadn't been very actively involved in the planning. "You've done this before," she hedged. "How long do we need?"

He chewed on the inside of his lip as he thought for a moment. "Well, if we want to do it on the beach, we either pull it together before October's out, at the latest, or we wait for next spring."

"Can we pull it off in five months or so?"

"We could probably do it in three," Rick replied. "Eager?"

Kate shrugged. She was, but he didn't need that satisfaction right now. "Just not a fan of a prolonged engagement," she offered. That, and she didn't really like the idea of being engaged to Richard Castle, for the whole world to speculate over, for any longer than was necessary.

"So let's say the end of September then," he said, looking like a little boy on Christmas. "I'll call my planner when we get home."

"Is this the same planner from your first wedding?" she asked skeptically. She didn't want anything to do with Meredith outside of what she couldn't avoid. And it might be petty, but she wanted her own planner and florist and everything. He was hers now. God, was she really one of those women now?

Rick laughed. "No. No. Elise has planned my launches and parties, and I'm sure Gina would be willing to help. No press, right?"

"Right," she replied quickly.

"Then I'll make sure Paula knows that once we're home."

"Thank you."

They stared at each other, completely besotted for a few minutes before a nurse came into the room with two orderlies and a wheelchair. "All right Mr. Castle," she smiled. Kate thought her name might be Amber. She couldn't remember. There had been a few of them that morning. "We're ready to take you down to get your x-rays done. Andrew will help you out of the bed, and then I'll wheel you down. Hello, Ms. Beckett."

Kate gave her a smile in return. "Hello."

"I see she's conked out again," Amber added. It was definitely Amber.

Kate looked down at Alexis and ran a gentle hand through her hair again. "I think it's all the bruises. It's really taking it out of her."

"Can you do anything for….her…." Rick gasped as Andrew helped him out of the bed. "Shit that hurts."

Kate watched in concern, itching to get up and make it better somehow. But she could only watch as they slowly settled him into the chair and he sat there immobile, eyes clenched shut and breathing labored as they wound his IV around the pole and wheeled it closer.

"M'okay," he managed as Amber brought him over to Kate. "Really," he added, reaching out slowly to touch her cheek.

She realized that a tear had fallen without her consent. "I know," she murmured, giving him the biggest smile she could find. If she ever got hurt again, she wouldn't refuse him anything. God how it hurt to watch him in pain.

He met her eyes and tried to provide the comfort he couldn't give her physically. She took it and reached up to squeeze his hand as Amber smiled at them both.

"We need to get going. But I promise to bring him back in one piece."

"Okay," Kate whispered. She watched as they took Rick away and then sat there staring out the door into the hall. She rarely wished for things these days. But now she desperately wanted a candle or a magic number to make it all go away for him. She hadn't expected it to hurt her so much, seeing him like this. She'd expected to worry and fuss, but not to feel this kind of physical ache. Damn him and how far he'd gotten into her heart.

The ring shifted on her finger and she laughed softly. Yes, damn him for being an amazing man who wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of his life loving her. Such a jerk.

Alexis shifted in her lap and Kate sighed. She needed to call Meredith for that amazing man. Damn him again. She shook her head as she slowly adjusted Alexis so she could scoot out from under her and rearrange her on the couch. She squirmed for a moment and then cuddled back into the pillow, one hand coming up to grip at the fabric. Kate smiled and leaned down to kiss her forehead before she straightened and grabbed Rick's phone, which they'd finally gotten back earlier that day.

She watched Alexis for a minute and then took a deep breath and left the room. She gently closed the door behind her and walked twenty feet down the hall to a set of chairs. She sank into one and crossed her legs, scrolling through Rick's contacts. She found Meredith's and sighed before pressing send and holding the phone up to her ear. Her leg jiggled and she bit her lip. She didn't want to make this call. But she was planning on adopting that little girl, and she had to be an adult about this, even though she just wanted to scream, "Mine!" and be done with it.

She waited through three rings before the line picked up. "Richard?" Meredith asked, sounding immensely surprised.

"It's Kate, actually," she offered. "Hi, Meredith."

"Oh, Kate," she replied slowly. "What…you're calling me from Richard's phone?"

Could this be more awkward? "I am," Kate said, shifting uncomfortably in her chair. "I'm calling about Rick and Alexis, actually."

"Is something wrong?" Meredith asked quietly. Apparently Kate hadn't done such a good job of easing her into it after all.

"First off, they're both alright," she began, hearing Meredith's sharp intake of breath. She'd have to get better at these phone calls. She was great at the 'I'm sorry, your child is dead,' calls, but the ones about the living were still elusive. "They were in an accident yesterday."

"Oh my God," she whispered.

"They're fine," Kate added firmly. "Alexis is a bit banged up, but she's okay. Rick…" she took a deep breath, willing away the memories of hearing about him herself. "Rick took the brunt of it, and was in surgery for part of yesterday, but he's fine now. Some broken ribs and a re-inflated lung, but they're saying just about a month and he'll be good as new."

"Oh, God. Kate are they…you're sure they're alright?" Negligent mother or not, Meredith _cared_ about her family, ex-husband included. Perhaps she wouldn't always hate this woman.

"I promise," Kate said softly. "Alexis is currently knocked out on the couch in Rick's hospital room, and the man himself is getting x-rayed so we can take him home tomorrow."

"I…" she broke off and Kate could hear her breathing heavily into the phone.

"Meredith," she prompted.

"Hmm?"

"They're just fine," she assured her. Kate had needed proof, and even with him right there in front of her, she'd still had trouble believing it. Hell, she was still worried she'd wake up and he'd be dead.

"I…should I come out?" Meredith asked after a moment.

"I'm sure Alexis would love to see you," Kate told her. She wasn't actually sure of that at all, but it was the proper thing to say, right? And Alexis probably would enjoy seeing her mother—her real mother. Something clenched in Kate's gut and she furrowed her brow. Huh. That would be fun to deal with. "And Rick and I would like to talk to you as well, if you have time to pop over here."

"I can be on the first flight tomorrow," she said immediately.

She might just find it in herself to tolerate this woman. _This_ was how she should respond. However, they needed to get Big Castle settled in before they added the stress of the ex to the picture. "How about you come on Sunday, Meredith?" she suggested. "That way Rick will be back at the house and Alexis will be a bit more awake."

"Are you sure?"

Kate nodded, though Meredith couldn't see her. "Yes. Then everyone will be alert for your visit."

"Kate, I…" she trailed off. "Okay. Well, I should go and make plans. You'll be there when I arrive?"

"I live there," Kate replied, rolling her eyes. Tolerate was a strong word.

"Right," Meredith said quickly. "Right. Richard must have mentioned that."

"I'm sure," Kate said easily.

"So, I'll see you Sunday, then."

"See you Sunday," Kate nodded. "Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

They clicked off and Kate sat there staring at the phone. What an awkward, uncomfortable, bizarre conversation. She definitely wasn't looking forward to having the, 'I want to adopt your daughter,' conversation, or the 'I'm engaged to your ex-husband,' conversation. They'd be back to back as well, and Kate groaned. Sunday was starting to sound like hell.

A gurney rushed past with a man bleeding out and doctors yelling, crashing through the doors at the front of the hall and speeding down the corridor toward the OR suite. Kate watched them go and pinched her leg. That was hell. Meredith was merely a nuisance.

She slowly walked back to Rick's room and opened the door, stepping quietly inside. She let the door fall gently shut behind her and then stood there, watching Alexis sleep. The little girl had flipped over and was now completely stretched across the couch on her back, one arm dangling off the side and the other hugging the pillow to her chest. Kate smiled softly and sat down in the chair beside her, reaching over to brush a hair off of her forehead.

She looked around the room and sighed. They should sleep at the loft tonight. She didn't want to leave, but Alexis was exhausted from waking up in the middle of the night, and Kate hoped that the familiarity of home might let her sleep through without nightmares. Kate knew that she wouldn't sleep well either way, and would probably sleep less at home, but Alexis came first.

"Momma?" Alexis murmured, blinking a few times as Kate stroked her cheek.

"Sorry, munchkin," Kate chuckled. "I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep." Even if it meant she'd be up half the night, at least she should rest when she could.

"No," Alexis shook her head and slowly sat up. "I wanna be awake. I feel like I've been sleeping all day."

Kate smiled at her. "You're hurt, Alexis. You get to sleep. And you can have as much ice cream as you want tonight." She hoped Alexis wouldn't take this opportunity to ask for a pony. With the way her face looked, swollen, purple and puffy, Kate would probably buy her a stable. Alexis grinned, though it was muted. God, her cheek looked horrible. "Are you in any pain?"

Alexis shrugged. "My face hurts, but I'm okay."

"I can get you some medicine," Kate offered.

Alexis shook her head. "It tastes icky and makes my stomach hurt."

"Okay," Kate sighed. She couldn't do a single thing for them, and it killed her. "Why don't we pack up our stuff," she suggested, standing and walking over to her cot, where the small bag Martha had brought was splayed out, her cell and badge and a few books scattered over the scratchy white sheets.

Alexis watched as she placed everything methodically into the bag. "We're not staying here tonight?"

Kate looked over at her. "We should get a good night's sleep so your Daddy has energetic girls to come home to," Kate replied. Alexis nodded very slowly and swung her legs back and forth over the side of the couch, biting her lip. "What's wrong, Lex?" Kate asked, walking back over to kneel down in front of her.

"I just…" she stopped and shook her head.

"Hey," Kate reached out and placed a hand under her chin, guiding her Alexis' eyes back to meet hers. "You can tell me anything."

"What if something happens?" Alexis whispered.

Kate felt her heart break, all over again, but mustered up a comforting smile. "Your Daddy is going to be just fine. I promise," she whispered. "And tomorrow, we'll come back, all rested and clean, and bring him home. And then you can spend all of summer break annoying him while he's stuck in bed."

Alexis giggled softly and reached out to hug Kate, winding her arms around her neck. "Promise?" she asked a minute later.

Kate cupped the back of her head and turned to press a kiss to her cheek. "I promise, baby." How long would it take for Alexis to wake up and not wonder if someone she loved would be suddenly torn away from her?

Kate felt her knees beginning to protest against the hard floor, but she remained crouched there with Alexis wrapped around her. She couldn't promise Alexis that it would never happen again. Hell, the girl already knew that there might come a day when Kate simply didn't come home. But she wanted Alexis to feel safe and childlike. She wanted her to be innocent again, not this terrified, shaking little girl.

"Can I take a bath at home?" Alexis pulled back to meet Kate's eyes, and Kate smiled.

"Of course you can, honey." Her cuts should be healed enough to withstand some water, and if they weren't, they'd figure that out. She certainly wouldn't enjoy a shower, not covered in bruises the way she was. Kate, however, would probably take a scalding shower, as hot as she could stand, to try and just wash it all away, futile as that was.

"Okay," Alexis said quietly. "Are we leaving soon?"

"I thought we'd have dinner and then go home. Your Gram and Grandpa Jim are going to bring food, and then they can have some time with him while we're at home."

"Will I see them tomorrow too?" she whispered.

"I think they want to take you out for dinner tomorrow," Kate told her, watching as she smiled. "They love you very much."

"I know," Alexis replied. "Love you, Mommy."

"Oh, Alexis. I love you too," she whispered, laughing as Alexis pulled her in for another hug.

That's how Rick and his orderly found them some five minutes later. Kate had forestalled getting up for so long that she was now putting it off, knowing that it would hurt more to stand than stay there on the floor. But Alexis jumped up as Rick came in and pranced over to him as Andrew wheeled him back to the bed.

Kate watched as Rick and Alexis held hands, Alexis staring up at her father with love and wonder, and Rick staring down at her, a thousand possibilities flashing across his face. She stood stiffly, stifling a groan, since she had no right to complain. She quietly went about packing up their stuff while Andrew helped Rick back into bed. Alexis hovered at his side, watching with wide eyes as her father panted. Kate placed both bags on the couch and then walked up behind the little girl, laying her hands on her little shoulders.

Alexis looked up at her with a frown. "Can't they make him feel better?"

"I already…feel better than…yesterday," Rick worked out.

"Breathe for a few minutes before you try to talk too much, Mr. Castle," Andrew chided. "Do you want a plate for dinner, or is your mother bringing something back?"

"Martha and my Dad are bringing food," Kate told him, giving him a smile as he nodded and left the room. She and Alexis shuffled closer to the bed. Alexis folded her arms onto the mattress and Kate leaned in to kiss Rick's forehead, brushing a hand through his hair.

They stayed that way for a few minutes until his breathing evened out and he smiled at them. "How you feeling, big guy?" Kate asked quietly.

"Sore, but better," he said, putting on a contented face for his daughter. Kate wondered how much better he actually felt, as compared to how much he wanted to seem better for his daughter. "I'm okay, Alexis."

Alexis nodded. "Mommy says we're gonna sleep at home tonight," she said quietly.

Rick smiled, and this time Kate knew it was genuine. "Good," he said, locking eyes with Kate. "You guys will be far more comfortable."

"I think so. And that way we're ready for tomorrow and the weekend, especially Sunday," Kate replied, putting a small emphasis on the last day.

Rick's eyes widened and then he bobbed his head. "Right."

Alexis wasn't paying attention. Kate had a feeling she was falling asleep with her head cradled in her arms on the softer mattress. "Hey, munchkin," she laughed, dancing the girls shoulders back and forth.

"I'm awake," she said instantly.

Rick laughed and then coughed, his face tightening in pain. "Gonna eat and go?" he asked when he'd composed himself. Kate found that she'd balled her left hand into a fist and had left imprints from her nails on her palm at the sound of his hacking.

"Yes," she said calmly. They just needed time—time to get over the shock and panic of the crash. They just needed time to get back to normal. Though, as Martha and her father bustled in, carrying about seven bags of food, flowers and a new teddy bear for Alexis, Kate shook her head. Their normal was a special type of strange. She walked to stand next to Rick's head, watching as Alexis clambered into her father's lap. Rick tugged on her hand and she bent down so he could steal a kiss and she could place a gentle hand over his heart. Their lives were strange, but wonderful, and they were very lucky to have them.

(…)

The bed was big without him. The sheets went on in an endless expanse of cool fabric, and she couldn't warm it all by herself. She was unashamed to admit that she was wrapped up in a pair of his sweats and a button down, cuddling her face into his pillow. It was well past 3am, and she'd yet to find sleep, though she was hazy and heavy.

Were he on a trip, or at a press meeting, it might be different. But knowing that he was alone in his hospital room, hooked up to tubes and having trouble even laughing without pain, was hard to swallow. She knew he was fine. He'd given her a surprisingly scorching kiss as they left and had then brought her ring to his lips, kissing that too.

She'd gotten Alexis to sleep after a fun bath, and then she'd drowned herself in the shower, staying under the hot spray until her fingers pruned and her whole body was pink. She didn't smell like the hospital anymore, and she'd rubbed in his favorite body lotion, before climbing into his clothes. Now she smelled like them, and it was the only comfort she could find.

She rolled over again and stared at the red digits of their alarm clock for a long time, until her eyes would no longer stay open. Not long after, she heard the creak of the door and the pad of small feet, followed by a quiet sniffle.

"Momma?" Alexis croaked.

Kate simply opened her arms for the girl and cradled her against her body as she snuggled in beside her. "Did you have the dream again, honey?" she whispered into her hair.

Alexis nodded and sobbed again, winding her hand into Rick's shirt while Kate rubbed her back. "Scared," she mumbled into Kate's neck.

"I know," Kate sighed. God, she wanted to fix this. This was the second night in a row, and judging by the state of her daughter, it wouldn't be the last. "But Daddy's just fine. I promise. And we can go see him as early as you want." Even if Kate didn't sleep at all, she'd get up to bring her to Rick. She just wanted to do _something_ to fix this.

"Okay," Alexis whispered. "Can I…can I stay here with you?" she asked.

Kate vaguely remembered a warning against it, but right now, she wanted the girl there as much as Alexis wanted to stay. "Of course you can," she replied soothingly. "You're safe, sweetie," Kate murmured. "I'm right here." She began to hum an old lullaby she almost remembered from childhood.

Alexis snuggled closer, and eventually fell asleep against her. Kate remained awake for a few minutes. It would work out. They'd find a way to help Alexis overcome the trauma of the crash and the fear of losing her father. For tonight, Kate could simply be a comfort. She wouldn't pretend that it didn't work the other way around. Before she'd been tense and uncomfortable, and now she was relaxed and heavy, and eventually the rhythmic breath on her shoulder lulled her to sleep as well.

(…)

Kate held Alexis' hand as they crossed the hospital parking lot, the little girl skipping alongside of her. Kate had managed to get about five hours of sleep before her daughter had woken her up, but she felt rested and more than ready to take her fiancé home and away from the hospital. She pushed her sunglasses up onto her head as they neared the door and then ushered Alexis inside, listening as the girl detailed her second dream of the night, about a baby sister named Kayla, who happened to also be a mermaid.

The supernatural element kept Kate from dwelling on the 'little sister,' part, and she laughed along with Alexis as they walked down the hall to Rick's room. She knocked gently and poked her head inside to find him awake and alert, flipping through channels on the television.

He noticed her and a smile bloomed across his face. "Hey," he greeted.

"Hey yourself. Are you ready to be sprung from this joint?" she asked, laughing as Alexis slipped in around her and scampered over to his bedside.

"We're breaking you out," she grinned.

"They just took the paperwork back," Rick informed her as she reached his side, smiling as Alexis leaned back against her. "How do you feel, munchkin?"

"My face still hurts, but the other bruises aren't so bad," she said easily. "And Mommy found a bruise salve."

"Arnica Gel," Kate supplied. "She looks a little less purple, doesn't she?"

Rick nodded slightly. "Definitely. You'll be back to your pale little self in no time," he told Alexis.

"Hey! I might get a tan in the Hamptons," she protested and then went quiet for a moment. "Are we still going to the Hamptons house?"

Kate and Rick looked at each other. They hadn't discussed it yet, and had been planning to do so that weekend. "I…don't know, pumpkin," Rick said slowly. "But I'm sure we'll be there for a few weeks at some point this summer."

"Will you come with us, Mommy?" Alexis asked, tilting her head back to look up at Kate.

Kate bit her lip and glanced at Rick. She had a good deal of personal days backlogged, but she had a feeling they might need them in the coming weeks. She could certainly go up for weekends. But did that mean that there would be weeks where she was alone at the loft, and they were in the Hamptons?

"We'll figure it out, Lex," Rick interjected.

Kate let out a slow breath while Alexis nodded dejectedly. "That doesn't mean no," she added as she felt the girl's shoulders sag, waiting until Alexis looked back up at her. "It just means that I don't know how much I can be out there. We'll see each other, don't worry, honey."

"Okay," Alexis said quietly.

Well damn. But before they could do anything to rectify the situation, Dr. Joberg was in the room, briefing Kate on Rick's care and recovery plan. Alexis relaxed against her and Kate took the papers the doctor extended, detailing risks and symptoms she should look out for. She stuffed them into her purse and gave him a nod.

"Thank you," she said quietly.

He smiled. "I'm always happy to keep families intact, and this seems to be one worth saving."

"Hear hear," Rick added as Andrew came in. "Only have to do this once, right?" he asked warily. "And we're keeping the wheelchair?"

"Just to get you home. Kate will help you up and down from there," Dr. Joberg explained as they watched Andrew remove Rick's IVs and then together they got him out of the bed.

Kate bit her lip and Alexis turned around to bury her face in her stomach as Rick moaned, unable to keep himself quiet. "He's okay," she murmured to Alexis.

"He is," Dr. Joberg agreed. "He'll stop hurting soon, Alexis."

"Promise?" she asked, turning her head to look at the doctor.

"I do," he smiled. "Now, you take him home and have fun, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered. She stepped away as Andrew steered Rick over to Kate.

"I've got him," she said, turning to the younger guy with a smile. "Thank you so much."

"You've been good about keeping me in as little pain as possible, and I respect that," Rick added.

"No problem," he laughed, running a hand through his dark hair. "And Alexis? You annoy the crap out of him, all right? He asks _so_ many questions."

"One of his more endearingly annoying traits, isn't it?" Kate laughed while Rick reached up to try and pinch her arm. "Hey, don't pinch the lady driving your chariot."

"Well, since you said chariot," Rick acquiesced.

Alexis giggled and Dr. Joberg watched them fondly. "As much as I do enjoy you guys, please, don't come visit me any time soon. I only want to hear about you down in physical therapy in about a month and a half, got it?"

"Got it," they chorused.

"Thank you," Rick said as Kate wheeled him to the door. "Really."

"You're welcome, Mr. Castle."

Alexis waved and then the three of them trooped toward the exit, Alexis walking ahead as Kate carefully navigated the hallway. "Ernie's meeting us at the door," she told him as they reached the automatic entrance. "Ready?"

"To go home?" he looked back at her and she leaned around so he wouldn't have to stretch. "You have no idea."

She kissed his cheek. "Good. Then let's bust you outta here."

He grinned and she led them through the doors and out to the waiting town car. Alexis scooted in first and then Ernie steadied Rick's wheelchair as Kate took his hands and helped him stand, biting her own lip and blinking back tears as he groaned and breathed heavily. But he was standing there, holding her hands and breathing in and out, alive.

"I'm good," he whispered after a moment, as Ernie folded the wheelchair and ran around the car to place it in the trunk. He jogged back and they managed to get Rick into the car with minimal pain, all things considered.

Kate walked around to the other side and climbed over Alexis so that Rick didn't have to scoot, and Ernie shut the door behind her on his way to the front. Alexis leaned into her side and she ran a hand through the girl's hair as they pulled away from the curb.

She turned and looked at Rick, who was sheet white, and winced every time the car jostled even slightly. "Oh, babe," she sighed, taking his uninjured hand. He squeezed her fingers but didn't speak, and it seemed like it took them five hours to make the ten-minute drive back to the loft.

Getting him out of the car was as painful to watch and experience as getting him in had been, and Kate was infinitely grateful that Martha came down to meet them so Alexis wouldn't have to watch. She took Alexis upstairs while Kate stayed with Rick, who was sitting rigidly in the wheelchair, taking short, jerking breaths.

She leaned over him and ran a hand over his cheek, waiting until he met her eyes. "Hey, handsome," she murmured, ghosting her lips over his forehead. "You're doing so well."

He just looked at her and gave a ghost of a smile before he tightened his lips. "Ready."

"It's just ten feet of sidewalk, and then we're on the smooth marble of your ridiculously posh apartment building," she assured him.

"Our," he muttered, making her laugh. How could he do that when _he_ was the one in the chair? How did he still manage to make it all better?

"Our," she conceded. "Okay. Let's go."

She rolled them slowly and steadily into the lobby, trying to avoid as much movement as possible. His labored breathing once inside assured her that she hadn't succeeded. But he offered her a small smile and squeezed the hand she placed gingerly on his chest. She kissed the top of his head and then nodded to Eduardo as she walked them into the elevator. The doors closed and he sighed.

"Almost there," she told him. "Do you want to set up on the couch, or in the bedroom?"

"Couch, so I can see you guys," he replied.

She ran a hand through his hair in acknowledgment, and then wheeled him out of the elevator and into their apartment, where her father was waiting to hold the door.

"Hi, Dad," she smiled, kissing his cheek as they passed.

"Welcome home, both of you," he said happily, taking Kate's purse from her as they got into the foyer. "Martha and Alexis are in the living room, ready to watch the movie of your choice, Rick."

Rick laughed. "Anything. I don't know how long I'll stay awake."

"Are you sure you don't just want to lie down and take a pain pill?" Kate asked, walking around the wheelchair to kneel so they could look at each other.

He reached out and pulled her to him, meeting her in a very sweet kiss. She squeaked and worked to stay upright while still engaging and running a hand across his stubble. It was a feat of agility and he chuckled against her lips.

"What was that for?" she asked as they pulled apart.

"Well, I would have carried you across the threshold, but you kind of beat me to it," he offered, smiling at her as he found her left hand and spun the ring around her finger.

Kate smiled and leaned forward to kiss him again, pulling back before it could get too heated. "Well thank you, Mr. Castle. I appreciate the gesture."

"You're welcome, Mrs. Castle," he grinned as she laughed.

"Who says Katie's taking your name, son?" Jim asked, watching as Kate stood and moved back around the wheelchair.

"I…uh…" Rick stammered.

"I take it he didn't clear this with you?" Kate laughed as they made their way into the living room. "Ready?" she added, taking Rick's hands.

He nodded and she helped him stand, running a hand over his cheek as he breathed sharply and coughed.

"Rick actually asked me nearly six months ago," Jim chuckled, keeping the mood relatively light as they got Rick settled on the couch.

Kate noted that Alexis was cuddled onto Martha's lap, watching her father with wide eyes. They'd have to try to have her out of the room when they moved him to the bedroom. Then her father's words caught up with her.

"You asked him in December?" she gasped.

Rick merely arched an eyebrow. "What?"

"That's…that's a long time ago," she finished lamely.

"I was going to wait until we were more official and comfortable and you'd gotten your sea legs, but you kind of beat me to it. I just wanted to be prepared, you know?"

Kate just stared at him, at a loss. He'd asked…he'd known that long ago? He'd had a ring for that long? She didn't know what to do.

"Honestly, Mommy," Alexis sighed, hopping down from Martha's lap to come sit next to Kate, where she'd plopped down on the floor next to the couch by Rick's head. "You and Daddy should have gotten married a long time ago."

Kate let out a surprised laugh as Alexis snuggled up to her while their parents roared. Rick merely reached out and ran his hand through Kate's hair. "I'm happy with what we've got," he said quietly.

Kate glanced around at their family, parents talking about them in the corner while _their_ daughter cuddled into her side. "Me too," she whispered.

(…)

She stood on the other side of the bathroom door, anxious. Rick hadn't wanted her help using the toilet, which was understandable, but it worried her, and she couldn't stop herself from hovering. He'd passed out around four, and Martha, Jim and Alexis had decided to stay in, so they could have a family dinner. Rick woke up to eat and then entertained—annoyed—them all as he asked for various objects until they were all sick of playing fetch. Kate hadn't minded, since at least he was there, irritating or not.

Alexis fell asleep around eight and Kate had carried her upstairs and tucked her in, kissing her on the forehead when she stirred and blinked up at her. She'd pulled the blankets up and sung until Alexis fell asleep. Then she'd stared at her for a long while, watching her breathe. She was going to adopt that child, and be her mother, legally, if all went well. She'd go to parent-teacher conferences and recitals and, God, teach her about boys and womanhood.

Kate blew out a breath as she stood in their bedroom, waiting for Rick. She couldn't wait to adopt Alexis, while at the same time, was terrified of it. What if she wasn't enough? What if she let her down? What if something happened to Rick and they were left alone? Could she really be a mother to that little girl, alone, without her fiancé, her husband? And it had almost happened, just two days ago. She'd almost lost him, lost them, lost everything.

The door opened and Rick slowly shuffled out grimacing. He stopped as he caught sight of her and Kate stared at him, confused, until she realized that she was crying. She hastily scrubbed at her cheeks and smiled at him, only to receive a frown in return.

"Kate," he said quietly, reaching out for her.

She took his hands, but only to guide him over to his side of the bed. He looked like he wanted to protest, but she shook her head, taking slow breaths. He sighed and then tensed while they lowered him to the bed and scooted him backward until he hit the pillows and sagged against them.

The control she wanted wasn't there, and she felt more tears springing to her eyes while he remained stiff against the headboard, his eyes tightly shut. It was too much, and she turned to run to the bathroom, so she wouldn't add to it, but his voice called her back.

"Kate, stay," he managed.

She revolved again and slowly walked back to his side, trying to keep it together. He didn't need her to fall apart on him. He was hurting, and she didn't want to make it worse by crying and sobbing about how scared she'd been to lose him. He held out his hand and she took it, taking deep breaths as he tugged her to sit next to his hip.

"Hey," he said softly, reaching up to cup her cheek. "I'm right here."

She gave him a watery smile. "I know."

"And I'm gonna stay right here."

"I know," she repeated, looking down. "I know."

"Kate," he prompted, waiting until she found it in herself to meet his eyes. She just didn't want to break down like she had that first night. He really didn't need to see that. "Why are you hiding this from me?"

She hadn't expected him to be that blunt about it, and it nearly made her give up the fight. But she clamped her emotions down and shook her head. "You're hurt," she offered.

He sighed. "So?"

"So?" she exclaimed. "You don't need this. You should sleep. I'm fine."

"No way," he growled, tugging her closer, so that she was pulled as close to him as he could get her, without their chests actually touching. "You had to take care of our daughter without knowing whether or not I was going to die, and then whether or not you'd get to keep her. And you've watched me be in pain for two days, and I know Alexis has been having nightmares. You haven't slept nearly enough, and you barely ate at di…"

She brought a hand up to cover his lips, because as he kept listing things off, every part of her resolve was tumbling down, and by the end, she just didn't want to hear anymore, since she was already weeping. "Okay," she whispered. "Okay, I get it. I'm scared, all right?"

"Oh, Kate," he sighed, kissing her hand and then holding it with both of his. "I know. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be," she sniffled. "It's not your fault."

"You're sorry I'm hurt, and that's hardly your fault," he countered. "And I'm right here, okay? Don't hide in the bathroom and break down."

"I just," she let out, before something close to a sob escaped. "I thought…I thought you were going to die," she admitted, meeting his eyes, blissfully there and full of life. "And I keep reliving it and dreaming about it and I can't…I just…"

He squeezed her hand. "Climb over so I can get to you," he begged, his voice raw and she blinked at him, surprised by how desperate he sounded.

She complied, but walked around the bed instead, taking great care to shift the mattress as little as possible as she crawled over to him. He lifted an arm and pulled her into his left side, where his ribs were still intact.

"I'm not hurting you?" she whispered as he guided her face to his neck and she brought a hand up to curl against his cheek.

"No," he promised. "No. You're warm, and soft, and just stay here, okay?"

"Rick?" she asked, pressing a kiss to his neck.

"I just want to hold you," he said in a low voice. "Because I can't imagine what the last two days have been like, and if it had been me, I don't know that I would have gotten through it."

She simply kissed his skin again and closed her eyes, listening to him breathe. "You'd be surprised by how much you'll go through for Alexis," she whispered.

"And that's why you're the most extraordinary woman I've ever met," he replied. "Because you're her mother now, and you kept her going and made sure she was fine, and I…thank you."

"We'll be here all night if we go back and forth. Thank you for living."

"Oh, Kate, sweetheart, I'm so sorry," he managed, his voice suddenly tight.

"Hey, you stay calm too," she chided.

"Well, come on."

"Only one of us can break down here," she sniffed, feeling herself begin to laugh.

"No fair," he whined, and she could feel him grinning against her hand.

How had he done that? How had he gotten her out of panic and made her calm again? How? How could he do for her what she hadn't been able to do for herself? She felt his pulse beneath her lips and sighed against his skin. That was how. Because, unlike her grief for her mother, or her father's alcoholism, Rick was tangible, and there; she could touch him, and feel him, and that was more calming than anything.

She felt him sagging beneath her a few minutes later and she nuzzled her nose against him, taking in the smell she'd tried so hard to capture the night before. "Can I make you more comfortable so you can sleep?" she asked.

"Just stay here. I'm good," he sighed, reaching up to twine his fingers with hers on his cheek. "And when I'm better, we are celebrating the hell out of our engagement," he added after a quiet minute.

Kate giggled into his neck and squeezed his fingers, careful not to shift near his right side. Oh, this felt good, and calming, and like home and safety.

"I love you," he whispered, his voice heavy.

"I love you too," she promised, smiling as he muttered something intelligible, his head lolling slightly. "Sweet dreams."

"Kate," he sighed, his eyes falling shut as sleep overcame him.

Kate stayed there, snuggled up to his side for a long time, running her fingers through his hair and gently across his cheek, memorizing the feel of him beneath her touch. Her fiancé was there, in their bed, alive and sleeping, and for now, it was enough. And soon, they'd be celebrating and getting married and signing custody agreements. For tonight though, she just wanted to stay there for a little while longer, with his cheek rough beneath her hand and his pulse against her lips.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, as some of you have seen, this story is now officially 600+ pages long, single spaced, in Microsoft Word (this chapter pushes it over). I don't personally know what to do with that information, because it's just going to get longer. It makes me laugh, and I'd love to hear your bets for eventual length.<strong>

**As ever, your input, comments, reviews, tumbls, tweets, favorites and alerts make me so happy and I love getting to hear from you. Thank you for sticking with this story. And a special thanks to everyone who has just caught up or is catching up. It's a pretty big undertaking at this point, and I'm really enjoying getting to hear reactions as you've read through.**

**I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. It was a bit episodic again, but they were all points I wanted to hit. Also, there's some continuity between this story and _What Pales in Comparison_'s take on weddings. Let me know what you pick up on.**

**Emma**


	34. Chapter 34

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Castle characters, but there will be some on my website very soon that I DO own. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 34:<strong>

Kate woke to a quiet house. Dim sunlight filtered through the bottoms of the curtains and she stretched carefully, letting herself relax into the sinfully comfortable sheets. She'd teased Rick about them initially—that his sheets were girlier than hers—but she couldn't deny how amazingly comfortable they were. After the past few days, she had no qualms with bending her knees and digging her toes into the soft fabric as she lay there.

Alexis hadn't come in during the night, and so Kate was hopeful that she'd slept through, nightmare-free. The girl certainly deserved it. Rick was completely out beside her, even propped up as he was against the pillows. His mouth was hanging open and he snorted quietly on every fourth breath. At another time, she'd probably have been annoyed by it. But now, it was just that constant proof that he was alive, and doing something so normal as sleeping in their bed.

She lay on her back, head turned to the side, and watched him sleeping for longer than was probably acceptable. She knew he liked to watch her sleep too, so she took solace in the fact that they were creepy together. At least she had a reason this time. Eventually, when she was sure the minutes had crept by into an hour, she rolled to her side and gently stood up, glancing at the alarm clock. It told her that, like any respectable cop, she'd managed to sleep in until 9:30. Joy.

She didn't want to wake Rick by taking a shower, so she searched the dark room, walking quietly over to the couch to slip into his blue robe. She smiled as she shrugged it up over her shoulders, his scent enveloping her as the soft terry cloth caressed her skin. She should probably just buy one for herself, or let slip that she wanted one. It would be there in a day. But, she considered as she quietly left the room, then it wouldn't smell like him, and it wouldn't feel so good.

What was it about wearing your boyfriend's—fiancé's—clothes that made them infinitely more comfortable? She'd never been able to figure it out. To be fair, she'd never loved wearing another man's clothes so much as she loved wearing Rick's. There was just something about his shirts, and maybe it was also a little bit of how he looked at her when she wore them.

She shook her head and reached into the fridge to grab the eggs and cheddar cheese. She'd make him scrambled eggs with bacon bits and Alexis could just have cheesy eggs. Maybe she should make pancakes too. And oatmeal. Was that too much? Kate looked around as she got out more and more ingredients, the kitchen island quickly becoming a sea of breakfast supplies and cookware. Perhaps she was trying to bury everything from the last three days in food. Well, coping strategies worked, didn't they?

She spent the next thirty minutes cooking distractedly, dancing from pan to pot as she multitasked and managed to keep everything from burning. She wasn't quite sure when she'd perfected such a dance, but she remembered watching her own mother perform it. Kate smiled slightly and flipped a pancake. Maybe it was genetic, silly as that thought was.

"Mommy?"

Kate turned and found Alexis climbing up onto one of the bar stools, her braid messy and body still pajama clad. It seemed they'd all be having a lazy day today.

"Morning, munchkin," she said cheerfully, plating the last pancake. "Good timing," she added, passing a plate of eggs and pancakes over to her before ducking back into the fridge to pour her a glass of milk.

She quickly placed everything into a heating dish and stuck it into the oven to stay warm until Rick woke up, saving some eggs for herself. She set her plate down opposite Alexis' and leaned her hip against the countertop as she ate, watching as Alexis chewed slowly.

"How's your cheek feeling?" she asked. It looked horrible—now a mess of blues, greens and dark purples.

"Chewing's hard," Alexis sighed. "But this is tasty."

"I'm glad," Kate smiled. "When you've got some food in your stomach, we'll give you some Tylenol, and then I want to ice your cheek later, okay?"

"Kay," she mumbled around a mouthful. "Is Daddy still sleeping?"

Kate nodded. "I thought we should wait and let him wake up on his own, since his body's working pretty hard to heal those ribs."

"Like how I slept really late?"

"Exactly," Kate smiled, reaching around to grab the bowl of strawberries she'd cut up. "Here, have some fruit too. You need your vitamin C."

Alexis shrugged and spooned a bunch of strawberries into her left over syrup while Kate wrinkled her nose. No matter how many times they'd tried to get her to like it, she'd never adjusted to that amount of sweetness.

"Kate?" she heard Rick croaking from the bedroom.

"I'll be back in a few, honey," she told Alexis as she straightened up, dumped her plate in the sink and then began walking toward their room, smiling as Alexis wandered over to the couch and flipped on the TV to watch Saturday morning cartoons.

She walked quietly into the bedroom and around to the curtains, giving him a soft smile as she opened them and light flooded across the floor and onto the middle of the bed. "Morning," she murmured.

"Hey," he managed, reaching out for the water on his bedside with a grimace. He took a few sips while she came his side and then placed the glass down, reaching out to take her hand.

"How do you feel?" she asked, squeezing his fingers.

"Like I got hit by a car," he chuckled. She was pleased to see that the small laugh didn't make him wince in pain. That was improvement.

"I've got breakfast ready for you, if you want it now."

"You didn't have to," he said instantly.

Kate rolled her eyes. "Seriously? Rick, I made food for Alexis and me too, but you're hurt. You can't expect me to let you lie here and starve. I think I'm insulted," she finished with a small pout.

He sighed. "Right. Sorry. I'll stop being thankful for your care."

"Good," she laughed. "Do you want food now, or do you want to try the bathroom first?"

He sat for a second, taking stock of his own injuries while she massaged his fingers. "Bathroom, and then maybe we can migrate to the couch? I'm allowed to walk a little, right?"

"A very little," she cautioned as she helped him shift the blankets down. "But we'll get you there. Okay, slowly, remember?"

Together, they scooted him forward until his feet were planted on the floor. She ran her hands through his hair as he breathed heavily against her stomach, that small effort having cost him so much already.

"Or maybe you use the bathroom and we wheel you to the couch, today," Kate suggested as he nodded against her stomach. "Do you want to try a really soft shower? Martha said she got a shower chair for you."

"Do I smell?" he asked, his voice muffled in her tank top.

Kate laughed. "No, but I thought you might like to feel more human today."

"Will you be in there with me?"

Kate smiled and leaned down to kiss his head. "Let me go tell Lex? And then yeah, I'll help. I could use a shower too." He looked up at her and she brought her lips to his in a gentle kiss, nibbling on his lip as he raised an arm to massage his fingers into her waist. "Be back in just a minute," she whispered as they pulled apart. "You okay there?"

He nodded. "S'nice to sit up on my own."

She smiled and then jogged out into kitchen, quickly pouring some children's Tylenol into a medicine cup. She checked to make sure Rick's breakfast was warming and not burning, and then walked into the living room, where Alexis was happily snuggled into the couch. "Hey, pumpkin," she said, leaning over the back of the couch and smiling as Alexis turned to look up at her. "I'm gonna help your Dad take a quick shower and then he'll come out and hang with us, okay?"

"Kay," Alexis replied, grimacing before downing the little cup of medicine Kate held out to her. "Yuck."

"Sorry," Kate chuckled, watching as she set the cup on the coffee table before turning back to the TV, totally tuned in to—God, was that Spongebob? Kate could handle a lot of things, but she needed to be in an extremely particular mood to suffer that special brand of childhood entertainment.

With a shake of her head, Kate returned to the bedroom and walked around to take Rick's hands. He smiled up at her even as she helped him stand and he let out a low, strangled breath.

"You okay?" she asked quietly.

"Yeah," he managed. "Hurts, but better than yesterday."

"That's good," she whispered. "Let's get you clean."

Very slowly, they inched back toward the bathroom, taking small, measured steps. Rick seemed steady and Kate was glad to see that each step merely cost him a slow, sometimes haggard breath. She squeezed his hands and pushed the door to the bathroom open with her hip, releasing his hand to flick on the lights.

He blinked in the bright light and she laughed, guiding him over to the side of the shower so he could lean against the frosted glass. She leaned in and kissed his cheek as she unbuttoned his shirt.

"I could do that myself," he murmured as she gently pulled him out of the sleeves.

"Are you saying you'd rather I not undress you, Mr. Castle?" Kate simpered, bending down to tug his sweats off, placing them on the counter behind her, leaving him standing there in only his boxers.

She looked up at him and he glanced down to meet her eyes, looking put upon. "Never. But it's not like I can return the favor."

Kate shook her head and stripped off his boxers, so he stood naked before her, covered only by the bandages wrapped around his ribs. "I let you take care of me," she offered as she guided him into the shower stall and over to the chair Martha had provided. He sank slowly down onto the white-plastic, sucking in a breath and letting it out in a small stream of air a few seconds later.

Kate quickly shucked off her own clothes and walked to the far side of the shower to angle the showerhead away from them so it wouldn't hit him square in the chest. She wandered back around him, slightly chilly in the cool stall, and removed the second nozzle, bringing it over and handing it to him.

She knelt and reached up to unravel the bandages, feeling his gaze on her face as she concentrated on the task at hand. Her heart rate sped up as the purpling beneath the wrap came into the softer light and she bit her lip. God, it looked painful. And just below his ribs, a small incision had been made that was now red and angry looking around the stitches. But it was supposed to look that way, and it was less red than it had been just a day before. He'd probably be able to get the stitches out in a week.

"How's it look, doc?" he asked.

She met his eyes. "Like hell," she said honestly, watching as his lips quirked. "But it looks less hellish than yesterday, so that's good."

"Feels like hell too," he mumbled, waiting to turn on the nozzle until she'd placed the used bandages on the bench at the far corner of the shower.

Kate walked back over and took it from him, adjusting it to a soothing drizzle. She started with his legs, running the loofa she'd grabbed over his skin and then washing the suds away with the gentle flow of water. She moved up and soaped his stomach, steering clear of the site of the incision before standing and stepping around him to get his back. He was quiet as she proceeded, gently soaping and rinsing the residue of the crash and three days of recovery from his tender skin.

When she'd finished his back, she leaned down and pressed an open kiss to the top vertebra of his spine. He sighed and met her eyes as she tilted his head back, deciding to use the body wash in his hair as well—something gentler and less messy.

"Hey," he said softly as she laid her palm on his forehead and ran the water through his hair behind it.

"Hey, handsome," she whispered back, feeling oddly at peace. It certainly wasn't how she'd imagined they'd spend the days after their engagement. She'd thought they would be filled with sex and aggressive kisses they'd struggle to hide from Alexis or his mother. She'd never expected to be washing her fiancé with timid fingers and withheld breath. But here she was, doing just that, and it soothed the ragged part of her soul that was trying to heal from the shock of the last few days.

"S'kind of nice," he said lazily as she handed him the showerhead and placed the loofa on the small shelf in the corner of the stall.

She walked around to stand in front of him and he reached out for her, pulling her into him and letting the warm water cascade down her back. She gasped at the unexpected feeling and then smiled as he peppered her stomach with kisses.

"You're not in pain?" she asked, running a hand through his wet hair.

"Some," he conceded. "But it's the same as in bed and utterly lower on my attention scale than the sexy naked woman in my arms."

Kate smiled and reached behind her back to take the showerhead from Rick. She stepped away from him and made quick work of washing her own hair and body. He observed her, neither aroused nor disinterested—just watching curiously as she sped through her daily process.

"You could have taken a real shower, you know," he offered as she rinsed the conditioner out of her hair.

Kate set the nozzle down and shut it off before she walked forward and knelt in the cooling water that pooled on the floor of the shower, the tiles warm beneath her knees. "This from the man that _still_ tries to lift heavy things for me."

"That's different," he said immediately.

She frowned and ran her hand down his arm. "It's not, and you know it. I let you take care of me, and I very rarely snapped at you for trying to help me." He scoffed and she rolled her eyes. "Okay, well, I made a concentrated effort. Extend the same to me, okay? Ever thought that I like taking care of you?"

He sighed and reached out to cup her cheek. "Sorry," he said quietly.

She smiled and turned her head to kiss his palm. "Don't be sorry. Just shut up and let me love you."

"So romantic, Sweetie," he laughed.

"You chose me," she countered, wiggling her left hand where it rested above the scrapes on his right arm, which she'd been careful to keep out of the water.

"I seem to recall that you chose for both of us," he grinned.

Kate shook her head and stood up, walking out of the shower to grab two towels. She dried herself quickly and wrapped her own around her chest before returning to him. Tossing his towel over her shoulder, she took his hands to help him stand up. He swayed as he stood, but braced himself by clutching at her waist. Kate awkwardly toweled him dry, her movements constricted by his arms at both of her sides; but he needed her as an anchor, and she wouldn't deny him that.

When he was reasonably dry, she walked carefully backward and together they got out of the shower. "Do you need some time in here?" she asked quietly as she released his hands and let him lean against the door to the shower while she quickly toweled her hair dry and ran a comb through it.

He simply stood there for a few minutes while she moved around him, his breath finally evening out once she'd shimmied into a pair of sweatpants and a bra.

"I could do maybe five minutes," he said, his statement more question than fact.

Kate smiled and reached up to gently dry his hair. "I'll be in the bedroom, doing something with my hair. Just give me a call."

"Okay," he replied, watching as she left the bathroom and gently shut the door behind her.

Kate stared around at the bedroom and smiled. Home. They were all home, and everyone would be fine. She sighed and tugged on a tank top. Tomorrow Meredith would be there, and they'd be telling her they were engaged and that she wanted custodial rights of Alexis, if not adoption. What would she say? Would she be angry? Would she be willing to sign the forms? What were the forms, anyway? And would she point out that Kate was only a stable option as long as she was living? If, God forbid, Rick died, and Kate got custody of Alexis, what happened to the poor girl if Kate didn't make it home one day?

She'd absently started doing her hair as she thought and she managed to dry it decently well before she heard Rick calling for her. She turned off the dryer and padded back to the door to the bathroom, which opened on a shirtless Rick Castle, his face taut with pain.

She reached over to his bureau and grabbed the fresh roll of support wrap. "Can you stay standing for about two minutes?" she asked quietly.

"I'm good," he mumbled, allowing her to place his hands on her upper arms.

"I know you can't do shoulders, but I need your arms up," she said apologetically as she made quick work of wrapping him back up, a skill she'd picked up a few years back with Royce. But that was better not thought about. She'd had a sprained knee and he'd had bruised ribs; they were quite a pair that week.

"You're good at this," he offered tightly.

She glanced up at his face and gave a small laugh. "I make it my business to be good at the important stuff. You ready to go to the living room?" she asked as she finished, waiting for his slow nod. "Do you want the wheelchair?"

He shook his head and took her hands, letting her guide him with short steps. She thought he should probably use the chair, but then again, sitting down and standing seemed worse than walking, and he wasn't doing too poorly. But then his hands gripped hers tightly, knuckles almost white by the time they made it through the door to the office. Maybe this had been a mistake.

"Daddy!" Alexis squealed happily as Kate helped him maneuver over to the couch. She went to help him down on the near side, but he kept shuffling over until they were at the right side of the couch with the long extension.

"He'll be happy to chat once he's comfy, munchkin," Kate said for him; his face was screwed shut in agony, and she figured he wouldn't be able to speak that well.

He sat slowly and Kate quickly grabbed pillows to prop behind him. She then bent and helped him swing his legs up onto the lounger section of the sofa, so he was set up as if he were in a big easy chair.

"Good?" she whispered.

"Yes," he let out on a barely audible breath.

Kate glanced at Alexis and found her watching them with concern. "He's just fine, sweetie," she promised. "Just in pain right now. But we'll get some food into him and a pain pill and he'll be better. Did your meds kick in?"

Alexis nodded and gave her a small smile. "Can I be helpful?"

Kate leaned down and kissed the top of her head. "Not at the moment, honey. But thank you. Rick, I'm going to go grab your breakfast. Up to eating?"

"What did ya make me?" he asked after a moment, looking up at her with a tired grin.

"Eggs with bacon and pancakes, and strawberries, since you have to have something so I don't feel like I'm helping you to an early grave."

"You're awesome," he said.

Kate laughed and ruffled his hair as she went back into the kitchen to grab breakfast for her injured fiancé. She heard Alexis and Rick start debating movie choices for the afternoon as she took the heating plate out and prepared a plate and drink for Rick, grabbing a small bowl of strawberries for the group at large as well. She took her time returning to the living room, watching the movement of the two heads along the back of the couch as sunlight poured into the room from the windows, catching the petals of flowers their parents must have left for them.

They were home and everything would work out. It had to, because this was the only thing worth coming home to.

She sat down next to Alexis, and handed the plate over to Rick, who took it with a grin. She set the bowl and glass down on the table and relaxed into the back of the couch, smiling as Alexis snuggled into her side.

"So, what are we watching?"

(…)

"Are you tired?" Kate asked softly as she came back downstairs, having tucked Alexis in and made sure she was comfortable.

"I don't want to sleep yet," Rick sighed, smiling as she gently plopped down next to him on the couch. "I napped for three hours this afternoon."

"You're healing," Kate chided, twining her fingers through his and angling herself across the couch so that she could rest her feet by his on the lounge. He tugged on her until she was pressed flush against his good side. She reached up and gently placed her hand over his heart as she curled into him.

"Alexis' cheek looks awful," Rick said. "I don't know why, but I expected it to look better. It doesn't."

Kate rubbed his chest. "It will. Bruises get worse before they get better."

"I wasn't expecting that much worse," he groaned. "My little girl, I just…God."

"Hey, you're both okay," Kate whispered, pressing a kiss into the crook of his shoulder. "And she'll be just fine. She said the bath didn't even sting her cuts tonight."

"That's good." She caught his frown as she looked up at him. "I hate this for her."

"She'll get over it," Kate assured him. "We'll just have to keep things stable around here."

"Having Meredith over will certainly help with that," he scoffed. "Did she say when she was getting in?"

"No," Kate sighed. "Just that she'll be here tomorrow. Hey, can I ask you something?" she added, sitting up a bit so they could look at each other.

"Shoot."

"What exactly are we asking for here?" she began, reaching out to toy with one of the buttons on the open dress shirt she'd gotten for him during the afternoon. "Am I looking for custody? I know we've been saying adoption, but are you sure? Are there other ways?"

Rick let out a breath and met her eyes, smiling gently. "Do you want my opinion? Because ultimately, it's your decision."

"Please," she murmured. Her decision or not, Alexis was his daughter, and she wanted to know what _he_ wanted.

"I want you to adopt her." She sucked in a breath and he reached up slowly with his injured hand to touch her mother's ring. "I want you to be legally in her life. As a stepparent, you have custodial rights, but not if I die. You'd have to file, and it would be so unfair to put her through that." Kate nodded. "And, she's calling you Mommy—don't think I haven't noticed," he chuckled while she laughed quietly. "If you want her, I want her to be yours too."

"I want her," she said immediately, watching his smile grow at her words. "So much."

Rick reached up to guide her face to his to give her a gentle kiss. "Then she's yours, and we'll start that as soon as…" he trailed off, pulling back.

"Will Meredith actually agree to this? I'm not up on Custodial Law, but wouldn't she have to sign away her rights?" Kate asked as that snippet of information floated back to her from long nights sitting with her mother, talking about law classes.

Rick nodded slowly. "She would. But, as it is, she doesn't have rights to begin with. I got full custody, and I've never denied her visitation, but I'm not obligated to give it to her."

"But you want to, and," she paused for a moment, biting her lip. As much as she wanted to be Alexis' mother, she never wanted to deny the fact that Meredith existed. "And we should let her see Alexis, even if I do adopt her."

"I wouldn't suggest otherwise," he smiled. "It'll just be explaining that to her without making her crazy."

Kate let her head fall back against his shoulder again. "You know, if it were me…and I wasn't negligent, I'd be furious."

"But it's not, and you're not, and she is," he whispered. "We'll ease her into the idea tomorrow, and then her lawyers and our lawyers can get together and work it out."

"We have lawyers?" Kate asked, surprised.

"My lawyers," Rick corrected. "But, they're yours too, especially for this. I got the best Custodial and Divorce lawyers possible."

Kate felt her mouth quirk up as she stared out at their living room, sitting on their couch, with their daughter sleeping upstairs. Her lawyers—because what was his was hers. God. "I love you," she said quietly.

She felt him cradle her head with his hand, and she knew he'd be bending to kiss her forehead if he could move like that right now. "I love you too," he replied just as softly.

They stayed that way, the sound from the television washing over them in the stillness of the room. It was barely loud enough to hear, but neither cared. Kate found that she focused on the way the changing light from the TV reflected on the glass struts of the coffee table, bouncing little reflections across the shaggy carpet.

She thought she felt Rick's breathing evening out after a while and started to suggest that they get him to bed before he nodded off. She was cut off mid-thought by a knock on the door.

"Did your mom say she was coming over?" Kate asked as she carefully extricated herself from their mess of limbs and stood, hiking up her tank top.

"Not that I know of," Rick replied, watching as she walked to the door.

Kate opened it cautiously and found herself face to face with Meredith. She blinked and stared at her. Meredith shouldn't be there. Not yet. Tomorrow. She was _supposed_ to come tomorrow.

"Hello," Meredith said, breaking the stunned silence.

"Meredith, hi," Kate managed opening the door to allow the woman to enter. She couldn't very well turn her away, wrong day or not. "What…I thought you were coming tomorrow," she offered as she watched Meredith pull a suitcase into the loft. She wore a light, beige traveling coat and what looked like a green pants suit. Is that what she flew in? That couldn't be comfortable.

"I just needed to see them," Meredith said quietly, draping her jacket over her suitcase. "I'm sure you, of all people it seems, can understand that."

"I…yeah, I can," Kate conceded, reaching up to brush some of her hair back, feeling oddly scruffy in the face of someone who could look so put together after a six hour flight.

"I see it's true then," Meredith said, adjusting her jacket. "I wasn't sure."

Kate opened and closed her mouth for a second. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Your engagement," the other woman said easily, unzipping the top pocket of her suitcase to pull out a battered copy of the Ledger.

Kate felt her stomach drop as Meredith calmly handed it over. Kate took it, watching as her ring glinted light onto the paper. There, staring her in the face, was a picture of her and Alexis entering the hospital to take Rick home the day before. And there, moving her sunglasses off of her face, was Kate's very engaged left hand. Damn. God damnit. _Castle, Lucky to Live, Love and Marry Again._ Alexis was barely visible, so at least that wasn't a big issue. But still. They hadn't even gotten two days to enjoy it in peace.

Kate sighed and rubbed a hand against her forehead. "Today's paper?" she asked, glancing at the date.

"Yes. Congratulations," Meredith offered.

There was no sincerity to her voice, and Kate looked up to meet her eyes. There was no joy emanating from the other woman. Then again, why would there be? "Thank you," Kate replied.

They were silent for a moment. "I want to see Alexis."

"She's asleep," Kate said quickly. "And she's not sleeping well, so I don't think it's a good idea to go in there and stare at her."

Meredith frowned and crossed her arms. "She's _my_ daughter, Kate," she said, her tone bitingly polite.

Kate bobbed her head. No, she was Kate's daughter, biology be damned. But, she couldn't very well say that to Meredith, especially if she was hoping to get the woman to concede to adoption. Of course, she hadn't been planning on doing that tonight.

"Why don't we go sit down with Rick; he's in the living room. Can I get you something to drink?" Kate offered, remembering her manners.

"You won't let me go up and see her?"

"You can peek in on her after we talk," Kate conceded. If it were Kate, she probably wouldn't have waited for the go ahead, and she couldn't truly deny Meredith the ability to physically see her daughter. But she wanted to get to talk to her first, and Rick had to give the okay as well.

"Fine. Red wine?"

"Sure," Kate nodded, following Meredith into the living room as she stalked away. "Rick, we have company," she announced as Meredith rounded the wall and moved to stand in front of him.

Rick looked up and Kate saw his eyes widen as his jaw dropped. Kate ran a hand through his hair and left for the kitchen, taking a few deep breaths. She wasn't ready for this conversation tonight, and especially not in a flimsy tank top and sweatpants, with disheveled hair and craters for bags under her eyes. She reached into the cabinet and pulled out the bottle of wine they'd been working through before the accident. She certainly didn't want any, and Rick couldn't drink on his meds, but she was more than happy to ply Meredith with good alcohol, and she poured her a generous glass.

She stalled for a moment, staring down at the deep red liquid in the crystal wine glass. It hit her suddenly, and she glanced around the kitchen. Had Meredith purchased any of the dishware in the cabinets? Had they picked out that couch together? How much of that woman lived with them everyday?

She shook her head and scoffed at herself. She _loved_ this apartment, from the leather couch to the dual headed shower in the master bedroom. And even if Meredith had picked everything out, she wasn't there anymore. This was Kate's home, and they were Kate's family, and Meredith wasn't going to get in the way of that.

Bolstered by that flimsy bravado, Kate made her way back into the living room to find Meredith sitting in the armchair across from Rick, one leg crossed over the other as they stared at each other silently. Lovely. Kate handed her the glass of wine and then retreated to sit beside Rick, laying a hand on his thigh. Was she that petty? She watched the little spark in Meredith's eye go out and Kate decided that yes, yes she really was that petty.

"I've already given Rick my congratulations," Meredith began.

Kate glanced at Rick who gave her a tight smile. "Yes, isn't that sweet of her?"

"Very," Kate replied, kneading his skin with her fingers in an effort to calm him down. Neither looked that upset, but Rick only spoke with that tone of voice when he was stressed or angry and didn't want to show it in front of Alexis.

"You said you wanted to talk to me," Meredith continued. "I figured it was about the summer, but I have a feeling, with this turn of events," she gestured at Kate's left hand, "you might be looking to discuss other things."

Kate looked at Rick and he met her gaze. Did they want to do this now, or let Meredith go look in on Alexis and go to sleep, since it seemed she'd be staying with them for the night? Would it start a screaming match? Would she say yes? She didn't seem anywhere near as personable as she had on the phone two days ago. Then again, she'd just had their engagement waved in her face in the Ledger. That was hardly the best way to find out that your ex was getting remarried.

"Kate and I want to talk custody," Rick offered slowly. "And we wanted to do that in person." So they were just going to do it. Kate could deal with that, maybe.

"Custody for Kate?" Meredith frowned. "You'll already be his wife, so you have as much custody as he has—all of it."

"You agreed to that, Meredith. You're not around enough to juggle partial custody, and I've never denied you visitation, nor do I intend to." She nodded grudgingly. "But we're talking about more…permanent custody for Kate."

There was a pause in which silence reigned. Meredith stared at them and Kate found herself fighting the urge to fidget there in her seat. She deserved this. They deserved this, and Meredith, for the sake of her child, should agree to allow Kate to adopt her, so the girl could grow up in a stable environment, should the worst occur.

"You want adoption," Meredith stated a few minutes later.

"Yes," Kate replied evenly. She could stand up to this woman.

"No." The answer was curt and clear, cutting through the air like a stab.

"Meredith," Rick sighed. "It won't change anything about your situation."

"It changes my rights," she snapped. "If you had died two days ago, Richard, what then? Would you have taken my daughter from me?" she exclaimed, swinging her gaze to Kate. "You want to take her away from me—away from her mother?"

Rick opened his mouth to reply, but a soft, tearful voice stopped them.

"Momma?" they heard called from the top of the stairs. Kate swiveled to look up at Alexis; she was the only one Alexis could see from her spot on the middle of the staircase.

"Alexis hasn't called me 'Momma' since she was three," Meredith said slowly. "Did she see my suitcase?"

But Kate was already up and crossing the loft, leaving both biological mother and surprised father behind. She could deal with them later.

"Hey, sweetheart," she said quietly, walking up to kneel on the step below Alexis, who was crying, tears dripping down her cheeks and onto her green flannel nightgown. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Alexis nodded and reached forward to hug her. Kate clutched her close, careful to make sure that they stayed balanced on the stairs. "It's okay. We're here, and we're all safe, honey."

"Gram and Grandpa Jim were there too this time," Alexis whispered. "And…and everyone was dead or couldn't get to me, and I was crying but you wouldn't wake up, and…"

"Okay," Kate hummed. "It's okay. It was just a dream," she promised, running her fingers through the girl's hair. She seemed so small and so young, shuddering into her neck. "Do you want to go see Daddy?"

Alexis nodded and Kate kissed the side of her head before standing and taking the girl's hand. She knew she'd want to see Rick before going back to sleep, and there wasn't really a way to avoid Meredith. She'd probably be there in the morning anyway, and maybe it would cheer Alexis up. Meredith may be flighty, but Alexis _did_ love her, as much as that chaffed at times.

They padded into the living room and found Meredith and Rick sitting there glaring at each other. Meredith's hands were curled into the arms of her chair and Rick was rigid on the couch.

"Mommy?" Alexis asked, looking from her mother, to Rick, to Kate and back, confused, surprised, and apparently unsure of what her response should be. She was still rubbing sleep from her eyes and she snuffled as she glanced up at Kate.

"Your Mom came to make sure you were okay," Kate explained, caressing the girl's head. "She was very worried about you."

"Hi, sweetie," Meredith cooed, beckoning Alexis over.

Alexis stood rooted to the spot, still glancing around. Her hand squeezed Kate's and she realized that Alexis was overwhelmed, too tired and scared to really get what was going on.

"Go on and hug your Mom, honey," she prompted, swallowing her pride and gently pushing her toward Meredith.

Alexis glanced up at her and smiled before walking over to her mother, who quickly scooped her up and held her on her lap, checking her face, inspecting her arms, kissing her head. Kate sighed very quietly and made her way back to the couch. She sat down next to Rick and he took her hand, winding their fingers together.

They watched as Meredith whispered to Alexis and the little girl cuddled into her chest. Kate felt something clench in her gut and she let out a slow breath. Alexis was allowed to love and want to see and cuddle with her mother. She was. It didn't mean she loved Kate any less, and didn't mean that Kate shouldn't adopt her. But the rational reasoning didn't quell the odd jealousy and Kate squeezed Rick's hand absently.

"Feeling better, Alexis?" Rick asked after a few minutes.

Alexis nodded and then hopped out of Meredith's lap to come over and scoot in between them. Kate moved over happily and Alexis immediately cuddled into Rick's side. Yes, Meredith was her mother, but Kate was part of their family in the loft, and Meredith wasn't. She felt like a child, trying to be grown-up about wanting a toy.

"You died in my dream," Alexis whispered, though it carried around the whole room for them all to hear.

"I'm sorry, sweetie. But I'm right here," Rick assured her, smiling even though Kate could see what her admission cost him. "All three of us are."

God, would it be the three of them? Kate looked over at Meredith, who was watching them with a new expression. She looked contemplative, and maybe that was sadness that flashed across her face, as Kate took Alexis' hand and brought it to her lips, smiling at the little girl. There wasn't anything petty about this. They all wanted what was best for their daughter; it was just deciding what 'best' was that would be the issue.

"Are you staying, Mommy?" Alexis asked, looking across at Meredith.

"If it's all right with your father, and Kate," she added at the end, caught somewhere between acknowledgment and petulance.

"The guest room's made up," Kate replied as Rick looked at her, obviously giving her the option of saying no. It would be cold and wrong to turn the woman out now, not after everything that had been said. "And there should be a towel in that bathroom."

"Wonderful. Thank you," Meredith replied, giving Kate a nod. "Would you like me to tuck you back in, Alexis? And we can discuss all of this more in the morning?" she met Kate's eyes. "I think we should let Richard here go to sleep; he's obviously struggling to stay awake." She sounded neither angry not apologetic, merely neutral, and that could bode either way. This woman was irritatingly changeable.

"Sounds fine," Kate nodded. She _wanted_ to talk about it now, but not if Meredith was dismissing it. And maybe in the morning she'd be more willing to consider the possibility, at least.

"So," Meredith stood and came around to hold a hand out for Alexis. "Do you want me to take you up?"

Alexis looked up at her and then back to Kate and Rick, agitated somehow with no way to stall. "Why don't you get your suitcase up, Meredith, and Alexis will meet you in her room," Rick suggested, stepping in for his daughter.

Alexis relaxed against his shoulder and Meredith nodded stiffly before walking out of the room. They listened to her click her way up the stairs and along the upstairs hallway before anyone spoke again.

"Are you all right, pumpkin?" Rick asked as Kate squeezed the girl's hand.

"You won't leave just 'cause Mommy's here, will you, Momma?" she whispered, looking up at Kate.

It made much more sense now, and that knot in Kate's stomach disappeared instantly as she bent down to haul the little girl into her lap while Rick gave them both a small smile.

"Of course not. I'll be right here in the morning, Alexis," Kate promised, cupping the girl's cheeks so that they looked directly at each other. "Nothing's going to make me leave our house, okay?"

"Okay," Alexis smiled. "And…and it's okay…and I…I call her Mommy but I…"

Of all the times to confuse this poor child, they'd had to do it after she'd woken from a nightmare, when tear tracks hadn't yet dried on her cheeks. "You can call me whatever makes you comfortable, honey. And if you want to call her Mommy and call me Momma, that's just fine. And if you need to…" she took a breath and steeled herself, because Alexis was more important than her own pettiness. "You can call me Kate."

Alexis shook her head. "No. You're my Momma; I'm not gonna call you Kate."

Papers or not, adoption or not, Meredith or not, Alexis was hers. Kate felt tears pricking at the corners of her eyes, and she wondered when she'd become so emotional. Probably around the time this amazing little girl had decided to call her Mommy, she guessed as Alexis wrapped her arms around her neck and hugged her close.

"I love you, Alexis," she whispered as she pressed a last kiss to her forehead. "But you need to go up and let your Mommy tuck you in so you get sleep and that cheek gets better, all right?"

"Okay," Alexis sighed. "Night Momma, night Daddy," she said, climbing down from Kate's lap and giving them both a little wave before she scurried from the room and went upstairs.

They sat there in silence for a long time, listening as Meredith walked to Alexis' room and the door shut. Kate shifted so that she could look at Rick, studying the play of light against his face and the way his chest rose and fell beneath his open shirt.

"So," Rick offered with a small chuckle. "That was…"

"Yeah," Kate sighed, moving closer as he beckoned her over. He pulled her into a kiss and she ran her fingers through the stubble on his cheek. He looked scruffy in a kind of adorable way, and if it wasn't only because he couldn't lift his arms for long enough to shave, she might have even found it sexy.

"She wants to call me Momma," Kate whispered as they broke apart. She wanted to call her Momma, with or without Meredith there. "I want that so much, Rick."

"We'll get there," he promised. "And as delightful as that was, I think it's a good thing Alexis came down like that."

"Was she ready to blow a gasket when she called for me?" Kate asked, unable to contain that little self-satisfied smirk. She wasn't a fan of being this catty or possessive, especially if it came at Alexis' expense. But she couldn't seem to stop herself.

Rick laughed. "Kinda. She's got a vein in her neck that pulses when she's mad, and it was jumping."

"Seen that vein more than once, I'm betting?" Kate teased, running her fingers through his hair and smiling as he relaxed against her hand.

"Might have," he chuckled. "Then again, you get a little crease above your right eyebrow when you're pissed, and you suck on your cheek."

"I do not," Kate huffed, looking out at the room so he couldn't see the amusement on her face. Of course he would have recognized and cataloged those details.

"You totally do," he continued. "And when you're embarrassed, you blush this really fantastic red." He dragged her face back to hers so that he could kiss both of her cheeks. "And right now, you're hiding a smile, because you _like_ that I know this stuff, and that I watch you sleep, and that I could happily stare at you for hours."

Kate bit her lip and shook her head. "You're deluded," she said, leaning in to find his lips. "Totally deluded."

"Liar," he murmured.

Kate pulled back after a moment and smiled, searching his face. "Well, I guess you've got the rest of your life to prove me wrong, huh?"

He grinned, positively lit up, and squeezed her to him with his good arm. "Guess I do. And you'll see, we'll spend the rest of forever with Alexis, and you'll be her Mom, or Momma, or Mommy, and it will all work itself out."

"Something about fate?" Kate asked, trying to find that feeling of assuredness in the situation. She had no doubt that she'd get to marry him and be in Alexis' life forever, but she wasn't so sure that she'd get to legally have that little girl. But she wanted to believe it, even if she knew that the discussion the next day could fall completely to ruin.

"I told you I'd prove it to you," he said quietly. She met his eyes and stared into him, searching for something she couldn't quite define. "One day, when we're sitting at her graduation from high school, you're going to look at me and tell me you believe in fate."

"Am I?" she asked, allowing herself to forget everything—the accident, the adoption, the crazy, negligent mother sleeping in her guest room—and simply fall into their little bubble.

"You are," he nodded, tugging on her until their lips met in a passionate kiss. "Just you wait, Mrs. Castle."

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><p><strong>Author's Note: So, thus ends Meredith, Part I. I'm sure it's very different from what you expected, and of course, there's more to come, so feel free to wonder, but I felt like this made the most sense. This isn't a Kate Vs. Meredith, "The Showdown," kind of time for them, not with Rick hurt and Alexis recovering. And yes, Meredith's horrible, but even she sees that. I think you'll enjoy the next chapter, either way.<strong>

**Thank you for your messages, reviews, alerts, favorites, tweets and tumbls, guys. You're all amazing, and I just love writing for you and getting to be part of this great fandom. **

**Emma**


	35. Chapter 35

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I own only the detectives and people of _The Paige Series._**

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 35:<strong>

Kate rolled over and swatted at the phone on her nightstand, failing three times before her fingers closed around the annoying, loud little sucker. It couldn't be a body, so who the hell was calling her at—did that _actually_ say 7:30am?

"Beckett," she moaned into the phone, sparing a glance for her fiancé, who was still blissfully dead to the world. Jackass. Injured jackass, but jackass all the same.

"Katherine Beckett, you have some serious explaining to do," Lanie Parish blared into the phone, all together too awake and too loud and too inexplicably shrill.

Kate pulled the phone away from her head and slowly sat up, rubbing at her eyes as she sadly swung her legs over the side of the bed. "Lanie, I have to move. Shut up for a minute?"

She heard her friend grumble on the other end of the line as she stood and shuffled through the dark room to grab Rick's robe; he should get himself another one. This one was hers now, though he had to wear it at least once a day so it still had the right smell. Armed and protected from the cold of the air-conditioned loft, Kate slunk into the office, gently shutting the door behind her. She didn't want to wake Rick, ass, adorable snoring boyfriend, fiancé, and dead-to-the-world sleeper.

"What is it, Lanie?" she sighed, sinking down into one of the armchairs and curling up so she could stare out the window at the rising sun as it crested a shorter building down the street.

"What is it? What is it? You're _engaged_, girl! I have the evidence right in front of me. Now spill!"

"Lanie, you do realize that it's seven, and I'm home, with my family—my injured and sleeping family?"

There was a pause on the other end and Kate heard Lanie shifting around, probably debating whether or not she should apologize, or simply go for the jugular. "Well, some of us are at work, and had to be up at four, so I'll save making up for this for a girls night next week while your boy entertains our boys. Now, I want those details." Ah, the jugular it was.

Kate shook her head, finding that she was too amused to stay mad, and now too awake to be grumpy. "How much has Esposito told you?" she asked softly, unconsciously twirling her mother's ring around her finger.

"Alexis was at the hospital, and she was okay, but Castle was in surgery and it was a while before you found out what was wrong," Lanie recounted. Well, Esposito certainly hadn't told her much. He'd seen the ring, after all.

"And that's it?" Kate prodded, waiting, because she was awake and couldn't pretend that she wasn't kind of enjoying it.

"You mean that punk knew and didn't tell me? I'm going to kill him," Lanie seethed while Kate laughed, her giggles ringing around the room.

"Lanie, come on. It wasn't his to tell, and honestly, he didn't even comment on it when he saw the ring," Kate placated.

Lanie huffed for a moment before picking back up again. "So, explain this to me. You go in without a ring, and come out engaged?"

"They wouldn't let us in to see him, because I wasn't family, even though I had permission to sign for Alexis. So, you know, I…thought on my feet?" she offered. It sounded so silly now, but she'd been so desperate in the moment, and now she was just so stupidly, girlishly happy when she looked at the ring.

"And told them you were engaged to get in to see him," Lanie concluded. "That's my girl." Kate laughed. "And after that, you just decided to make it official?"

"Yeah," Kate replied, aware that she sounded just like a lovesick teenager. But it was early, and she figured that cut her some kind of slack.

"Was his proposal speech to die for?"

Kate sucked in a breath and stared at the ring on her finger. "Uh, I proposed, actually."

"What?" And the shrieking was back. Delightful.

"Lanie," Kate sighed, waiting until her excitable friend had calmed down. "It wasn't big. I finished telling him about the crash and Alexis and everything, and he…" she paused, remembering the absolutely elated and adoring expression on his face. "He asked if I had a question for him."

"And you asked?" Lanie whispered, breathless. They were such girls.

"And I asked," Kate smiled, biting the nail of her ring finger. "And he said yes."

"That has to be the most damned romantic thing I've ever heard," Lanie gushed. "I'm so happy for you!"

"Thank you," Kate said softly.

"Are you over the moon?"

Kate looked around at the office, which still had some of her papers lying around and a blanket and pillow tucked into the other armchair, where she'd fallen asleep watching him write the previous week. "Yeah," she murmured. "Though, I'll be happier once we sort out the adoption and Meredith leaves."

There was spluttering on the other end of the phone. "What?"

"Oh, right. So," Kate let out a long breath. "I want—we want to file for adoption, or at least custodial rights, for me, and Meredith was supposed to fly out today, but she came last night."

"As delightful as ever," Lanie interjected.

Kate laughed. "It gets better," she teased, listening to Lanie scoff. "Alexis came downstairs looking for 'Momma,' right after Rick said I wanted to adopt."

"Shit," Lanie whistled. "Wait, what? You're _adopting _her?"

"I want to," Kate whispered, hearing the longing in her own voice. "But I don't know. Meredith said no, point blank. But then Alexis was there, with the nightmare and I'm not sure where we landed. We're supposed to figure it out today."

"Kate," Lanie managed. "I…wow."

"Yeah," Kate chuckled. "It is kind of 'wow,' isn't it?" She was engaged to Richard Castle, fighting for custody of his daughter, while sitting in their office of their ridiculously posh apartment, with a ring on her hand. It was definitely, 'wow.'

"I…I wasn't really expecting this," Lanie confessed. "More serious than a cruel wakeup for a girl chat."

Kate shook her head and smiled. "Nah. It's good." She glanced at the clock and sighed. "I should probably start making breakfast. Alexis slept late yesterday, but she probably won't today, and she needs to eat more."

"Look at you, all Mama bear."

She couldn't even try to deny it. "Your point?"

"Nothing." She could hear that shit-eating grin through the phone. "Go cook for your girl. And keep me updated?"

"Sure," Kate said easily. "Have fun cutting up some dead people."

"You know, with everything you've got going on, I think I might have the better deal," Lanie offered.

It was a little cruel to compare Meredith to murder and an autopsy, but… "Yeah, you might," Kate laughed. "But it'll work out."

"Good luck, sweetie."

"Thanks, Lanie. Talk to you soon."

"Bye."

They clicked off and Kate stared around the room. Sunlight was starting to stretch across the carpet as the sun rose higher over Manhattan. Kate stood slowly, slipping her phone into the pocket of Rick's robe before she stretched, arching her back and letting out a satisfied moan. She wandered over and opened the door to the bedroom again, so that she could hear Rick if he needed something. Her body felt relaxed and rested and she smiled. These few days of sleep were actually doing her good. She just wished it were under better circumstances.

Then again, these were pretty great, all things considered, she mused as she wandered into the kitchen. She had a ring on her finger and an amazing man in her bed, with a daughter upstairs, legal papers be damned. She smiled and set about getting out a massive amount of ingredients, again, compelled by some maternal instinct that she couldn't kick. Though, as she set the coffee maker up to brew and began whipping eggs together for baked eggs, a Sunday favorite of hers as a kid, she realized that she didn't _want_ to kick this habit. It felt good, and oddly fulfilling, knowing she could give Alexis a big meal two days in a row.

She was so caught up in cooking and humming something she'd heard on the radio that she didn't even notice Meredith coming down the stairs, until the woman was leaning against the wall at the edge of the kitchen, staring at her. Kate startled and set down the bowl of eggs she'd been whisking. She ran a hand through her hair self-consciously. Meredith was wearing a red dressing gown over a pair of silk pajamas, while Kate was wearing Rick's robe over a baggy tee shirt and leggings.

"You're busy," Meredith observed as she pushed off from the wall and got a mug out of the upper cabinet. She still knew where they were, and Kate vowed to switch everything up when she left. Ugh. "And it's early."

"Cop," Kate offered with a light shrug. Was there a more awkward situation? She tried to think of one as she watched Meredith move around to sit at the island, pulling over the milk Kate had left out after making her own, now demolished, cup of coffee.

Reluctantly, Kate finished whisking her eggs and then poured them over the cheese she'd layered at the bottom of the deep glass dish—mozzarella this time, Alexis' favorite. She turned and placed the dish into the oven, setting the timer for 20 minutes. She wiped her hands, keeping herself calm as she put the mixing bowl and cheese grater into the sink, rinsing them off before she leaned back against the lip of the counter.

"You look very at home here," Meredith said, breaking the silence that had fallen over the kitchen.

"I am at home here," Kate said evenly. "I _live_ here."

"And you cook and clean and read bedtime stories too," Meredith continued. Kate simply nodded. What was there to say to that? "I'm not sure I'm comfortable with it."

"With what part of it?" Kate asked, reaching out to slide the cutting board over with the cantaloupe and strawberries.

"All of it. This," Meredith replied, gesturing toward her. "You, here, making breakfast like the perfect little wife and allowing my daughter to call you Momma." Kate snorted despite herself. "What?"

"I'm hardly the perfect little wife, Meredith," Kate said, lifting her eyes to meet the other woman's.

"You could have fooled me."

"Well, you're getting a biased perspective. Rick usually cooks," Kate shrugged. He did. And it didn't seem like Meredith was mad, but more perturbed. She figured going for the kill really wouldn't get her anywhere. It was always better to let your opponent climb out of the trench. Meredith had yet to release fire, so Kate was content to wait her out.

"Don't you think you'll get bored?" Meredith asked some minutes later.

Kate looked up from the countertop where she'd been studiously slicing fruit. "Of?"

"Of this," Meredith replied quietly. "You're young, Kate."

"I'm closing in on 25," Kate bristled. She hadn't expected _that_ to be an issue, of all things. She was a detective for Christ's sake.

"Yes," Meredith nodded. "And don't you think, when you hit 30, you'll look back and wonder why you spent your most vital years playing house?"

"Like you did?" Kate shot back, the reply flying from her lips with a sting. But what did she care? How dare this woman?

Meredith let out a breath and considered her. "I wasn't cut out for it," she said finally, after a long moment had passed.

"Cut out to be a mother to your own kid?" Kate hissed, setting the knife down, already too worked up as a year and a half of misdeeds and missed opportunities caught up with her. This was the woman that forgot to call and refused to visit. This was the woman that spent lunch talking to producers and refused to go back for stuffed animals. This was the woman who had accused her fiancé of making her the bad one. "You weren't 'cut out' to be that amazing little girl's mother, Meredith? And so you left? I'm sorry, but that's despicable, and you can't even try to convince me otherwise."

"Because being here and constantly showing her that she didn't come first was better?" Meredith shot back, defensive and guarded.

"And being 3,000 miles away and proving the same thing helps how? You love that little girl," Kate spat. "You love her; I can see it. But you refuse to just suck it up and be there for her."

"I came this time, didn't I?" Meredith hissed.

They fell silent for a pause, staring each other down. "One right doesn't make up for the many wrongs, Meredith," Kate said, once she'd been able to contain the myriad insults and jabs she'd wanted to throw. "And if you hadn't come to see her, I don't know how even you could have lived with yourself."

"You're very high and mighty for a woman who's only been a mother," she let the word out sarcastically, "for what, a month or two?"

Kate stared at her. "I have been that child's mother for nearly a year. Do you know what she told me last May when I went to the Hamptons with them?" she asked, the memory coming back to her. It still tugged at her heart, and it was damn well time Meredith heard about it.

"What?" she asked, caught somewhere between disinterest and defiance.

"She wanted to know why she wasn't as important as your work," Kate told her. "And this winter, when she ran away—you remember that, don't you?" Kate asked, hearing how bitter and vindictive she sounded. But she couldn't seem to care. This woman—God this woman had hurt her kid. And you didn't hurt Kate Beckett's anything, much less her daughter. "Did Rick tell you about that night?"

Meredith shook her head. "No," she bit out.

"She wanted to know why you didn't love her," Kate said quietly. That one hit home, and as soon as the light fell out of Meredith's eyes so too did the anger and fight from Kate's.

"She what?" Meredith breathed, closing her eyes for a long moment before looking up at Kate. "I…"

"I told her you did love her," Kate said quietly, watching Meredith's eyes widen. "And I hate you for it," she added honestly. "But I didn't want that child to think that her mother didn't love her. And I know you do." Meredith nodded jerkily. "I didn't want to hurt her. I wanted to hurt you."

Meredith glanced toward the second floor and Kate simply stood there, watching her. That hadn't felt like a victory. There was no pleasure in watching this woman mourn for a hurt she probably hadn't realized she'd inflicted. She'd said all the things she'd ever wanted to say, but it didn't change the situation. Meredith had hurt Alexis, and no amount of hurt in return would fix that. But maybe, just maybe, it could make her find it in herself to do what was best for her kid.

"I kind of want to hurt me too," she whispered, finally bringing her gaze back to Kate's, her jovial, bubbly face now slack and hollow. "But I still don't want you to adopt her. She's _my_ daughter," she continued. "And no matter how much you think I've done, and…and you're probably right…she's still mine, and you can't just have her."

Kate considered the woman in front of her. "I don't want to _have_ her, Meredith," Kate said quietly. "I already have her. I get her every day, and at night when she's scared, and when Rick brings her to the Precinct so we can have dinner," she continued gently, because she was wounding this woman now. "I want to keep her, Meredith. That's all I'm asking."

Meredith stared at her, her eyes glistening and hands twisting together on the countertop. "You want to keep her. If Rick dies, _you_ want to keep her?"

"Would you give up your career for her?" Kate asked in return. She had these arguments. She knew how this part could go. "Would you change your whole life and move here? Would you have done that three days ago if that man in there hadn't lived?"

"I…"

"Would you have ripped her away from her home and friends and family? Because, like it or not, I am family now," she said strongly. "And you would take her away, after she'd already lost her father? Bring her to a home she doesn't truly know, with a woman, mother or not, who she only sees a few times a year?"

Meredith just looked at her, slightly slack-jawed. "You've really thought about this," she murmured.

Kate fought the urge to roll her eyes and settled on just giving Meredith an incredulous look. "I'm marrying him, Meredith. Alexis is part of that package, and I love her just as much as I love Rick. And not only would it devastate Alexis, but it might just kill me too," she added honestly, because even the thought made her want to break down and curl up in a ball.

"But she's my daughter," Meredith whispered. "I…I don't have custody, but she's still…"

"And if she was my daughter too, would you stop coming?" Kate asked, seeing the crack, like a suspect about to break over the interrogation table. Meredith was certainly better dressed, and the huge living room behind her was much brighter and full of life than the grimy wall of the 12th's interrogation room, but Kate knew that look.

"No," Meredith said quickly. "No, but…"

"But you don't like the idea that I'd have complete legal guardianship of her if Rick died?"

"For you to adopt her, I have to sign all of my rights away. Then that's it. I'm gone. You could change her birth certificate and no one would care," the woman said weakly. "And I just…that is my daughter, Kate." Kate could understand that. Kate could empathize, because really, wasn't that exactly how she'd felt in the hospital three days ago? Her daughter. _Her_ daughter, but the law wouldn't care.

"She's our daughter," Kate replied softly, pausing to lift the eggs out of the oven and set them on the stovetop to cool. She turned around and watched the woman across the counter, the other mother to the beautiful child upstairs. "But we could work this out."

Meredith narrowed her eyes. "You're cutting a deal?"

"Oh, you speak my language, wonderful," Kate deadpanned.

They stared at each other for a moment, surprised. "You love my kid."

"More than anything," Kate said immediately.

"And you're good with her—better than I am, I think," she continued ruefully.

"Different," Kate decided, shifting the plates she'd gotten out of the cabinets.

"What's your suggestion, then?" Meredith asked after a short silence.

"Really?" Kate could hardly believe that. Really? _Really_? Oh, God, the huge weight was lifting off of her shoulders and the butterflies in her stomach were almost too much to control.

Meredith nodded. "I just want to have some part of her."

"Then I'll file for partial custody and Rick can make provisions in his will for sole to pass to me, if…" she glanced back toward their room, suddenly unable to complete the thought.

"If he should die," Meredith provided quietly.

"Right," Kate managed around the lump in her throat. "And then it would be the same as now, only I…"

"Would be Rick," Meredith finished with a sardonic smile. They stared at each other. "You understand why I can't just hand you everything?"

Kate nodded slowly. "She's…she's your daughter too."

Scampering feet interrupted whatever Meredith had opened her mouth to say, and suddenly there were three of them in the room: Kate, Meredith, and their daughter.

"Morning, Lex," Kate greeted as Meredith sat there a little stunned. "I made baked eggs if you're hungry."

"Really?" Alexis asked excitedly, bouncing around the counter to toss her arms around Kate, stiffening a moment later when she realized Meredith was watching them.

Kate ran a hand down the back of her braid and gave her shoulders a squeeze. "Your Mom and I were just having a chat," she said, watching as Meredith seemed to make some sort of choice to accept the affection in front of her and put on a smile.

"Did you sleep well, honey?" she asked as Alexis stepped away from Kate.

"Yeah," the girl replied, glancing between them. "I didn't have any more nightmares."

"Good," Kate smiled, lifting the plates and turning back to the other counter. "Would you like eggs as well, Meredith?" she offered as she began to cut pieces out of the dish.

"It's _really_ good Mommy," Alexis added. "M…Momma makes the best breakfasts."

Kate turned to watch Meredith's face as Alexis staked her claim. To her credit, the woman didn't even blink. "It certainly smells like it, Alexis," Meredith said after a moment, locking eyes with Kate. "I got to watch your…Momma make breakfast, and it looked like something I'd enjoy."

Had pigs flown in the seventh circle of hell? Kate stared at Meredith, who looked calmly back at her. "Well, then," Kate stammered, finding herself feeling unsteady now. From custodial agreements to accepting 'Momma' in three minutes? She'd have to check the bed in the guest room and make sure there wasn't some sort of drug stuffed into the mattress. "I'll get us three plates and save some for when sleepy wakes up," she finished.

Meredith stood and walked around Kate to pour drinks while Kate handed plates to Alexis, who carried them carefully to the table. Soon, the three of them were sitting at the table, Alexis at the head and Kate and Meredith seated to either side of her. The whole situation felt surreal, and Kate couldn't stop feeling like the rug was about to be pulled out from under her. But Meredith looked sincere, and was raptly listening to Alexis' recounting of the hospital and how everything happened through her little eyes.

"You have nerve, Kate Beckett," Meredith decided as Alexis came to the end of her story.

Kate laughed. "Alexis has nerve, I was desperate and sometimes you have epiphanies when you least expect them," she shrugged, watching as Meredith laughed. Were they actually sitting across from each other, laughing about her proposal to her ex-husband, with their daughter between them? It was too strange by twice.

"When will Richard wake up?" Meredith asked a few minutes later, when they'd all cleaned their plates and started on the fruit Kate had cut up.

"I'm not sure," Kate replied. "He did pretty well yesterday, but he was out cold when I got up this morning."

"Was he snoring?" Alexis asked, wrinkling her nose. "Sometimes when Daddy's sick, he snores, and he's _loud_."

Both Meredith and Kate chuckled. "I can attest to that," Meredith added.

They looked at each other. "I haven't had the pleasure recently," Kate said with a small shrug. There was no use getting upset over it now. Hell, Meredith could probably wax poetic about their bygone love life and Kate wouldn't care. Well, that was a lie, but it wouldn't be nearly as bad as it could be. She got to have Alexis. That was the important fact of the day. And yes, Meredith _had_ been with Rick. Without that, Alexis wouldn't exist. But that didn't mean that Kate wanted to dwell on it.

"Kate?" they heard his soft voice ring out through the office and into the living room.

"Speaking of the snoring machine," Kate chuckled. "I better go check on him. Do you need any medicine, Alexis?" she asked, combing her face with her eyes. The bruising was finally starting to lighten.

Alexis raised a noncommittal shoulder. "Doesn't hurt as much as yesterday."

"Meredith, could you get her some Children's Tylenol anyway?" Alexis scowled. "We just want you to get better, honey, and not be in pain."

"But it tastes awful," she sighed.

"If you chased it with more strawberries, would that help?" Meredith suggested, standing to put the plates in the sink while Kate ran her hand over Alexis' head.

"Fine," Alexis sighed, sinking down in her chair and pouting.

"Go take care of the bigger child. I've got the sulking one," Meredith chuckled, moving around Kate to go to the medicine cabinet.

Kate nodded slowly. "I'll be back in a little while. Don't have too much fun," she added, smiling at Alexis before she turned and walked out of the room, hearing Alexis and Meredith chatter behind her.

She came into their room, closing the door behind her, her own eyes wide. Had that really just happened?

"Morning," Rick greeted, looking over at her from his position against the headboard, head laid back to look at her. "What's got you so…what's up?"

Kate shook her head and padded over to the bed to climb up and settle next to him. "I just got partial custody of our child, and sole custody if…well, let's hope I don't ever need that."

Rick sucked in a breath and then expelled it in a surprised laugh. "What?" he asked, shock pouring out of him.

"Right?" Kate giggled, sighing as she turned and leaned in to kiss his neck. "Long story short, Meredith agreed to give me sole custody if it's needed, but we're gonna keep the status quo."

"No adoption?" Rick murmured.

"She's Meredith's daughter too," Kate said by way of explanation.

She felt him breathing for a minute and smiled, content to cuddle into his side, finding normalcy after the surreal experience of fighting with and then finding some bizarre common ground with his ex-wife.

"Did…did you make a pact with the devil or something? You're smiling," he whispered.

Kate just laughed. "We came to a certain understanding."

"Do I want to know?"

Kate turned her face to look up at him. "It's a mom thing," she said, catching his eyes.

He positively beamed at her. "And you're okay with that?"

"I think we'll get along," she said easily. "We may never love each other, but…it's…really, _really_ weird," she finished on a laugh.

"I'll bet. I can't wait to see this for myself," he grinned at her.

"Are you ready to get out of bed? It's still early," Kate replied, leaning up to press her lips to his.

He groaned against her mouth and raised both hands to cradle her cheeks, even as it bent his left arm at a funny angle and forced her to brace an arm behind his head so she didn't slip and crash into his injured ribs. He sucked her bottom lip into his mouth and laved at it with his tongue, and she moaned, shocked by the sudden sensation.

When they pulled apart a minute later, Kate stared at him, their foreheads pressed together. "What was that for?"

He smiled, his eyes dancing with happiness that both warmed and confused her. "For making peace with my ex-wife—something _I_ haven't been able to do yet. For loving my kid enough to keep Meredith around. For being you," he finished softly.

Kate smiled, incredibly touched, and leaned in to catch his lips again, unable to find words. This was all she wanted—this life with him and their daughter, and the woman who would come a few times a year to play with Alexis. And maybe someday, she and Meredith would truly get along. She might be able to stomach that level of flightiness and sparkle in _very_ small doses.

"We should get you up," Kate murmured a few minutes later, when they'd dissolved into kissing again. She pulled back reluctantly and ran her free hand over the stubble that was quickly becoming a short beard.

"Do you want me to shave?" he asked, reaching up to catch her hand with his.

"Can you even?" she laughed as he shrugged. "I kinda like it."

"Yeah?"

Kate just smiled. "It's rugged."

"And you like rugged?" he pushed, his eyes darkening as he sent her a completely sultry look. She definitely liked rugged, even as it scratched lightly against her lips and cheeks.

"I might," she teased, scooting back so she could hop off the bed. He whined and stretched his hands out toward her. "Come on, Daddy. You've got a kid out there who'd like to see you," she said as she walked around and came to stand on his side of the bed. "And if we're not quick, Meredith might steal her for the day."

"As long as she doesn't take her to France," Rick groaned out while they swung his legs off the bed and sat him up.

"Any better than yesterday?" Kate asked softly, running her fingers through his hair and massaging them against his scalp while he breathed in and out.

"A bit," he said, extending his hands to her.

She pulled him up and then steadied him with her hands on his forearms as he swayed. It took a minute for him to raise his head and meet her eyes. In that time, she let her eyes wander over his chest and bandages, her fingers toying with the sleeves of the open dress shirt he wore. When he found her gaze, she smiled and squeezed his arms.

"Shower?" she asked.

He shook his head. "I didn't do anything yesterday, and I kind of just want to freshen up and get out there."

She nodded. "Feeling a little cooped up?"

"I can't even stand on my own," he sighed, leaning into her so that he could rest his forehead against hers as she stood on the tips of her toes. "And I want to do _so_ much to you, with you, for you, right now."

Kate smiled and gave him a light kiss. "There's time for all of that, Rick."

"But I want to do it now," he protested.

"Do it?" Kate teased, unable to help herself.

"Hey. I'm baring my soul here," he grumbled, his hands finding her waist as she rested her own on his chest and shoulders. "You are wearing…well, it's not my ring, but it's a ring," he said softly. "And you just dealt with my ex-wife and fought a battle for _us_, and you're sexy as hell and…" he trailed off, frustrated.

She found some sort of depth in his eyes she didn't know if she'd ever seen before. It sent a jolt through her, because right there, she could see just how much he loved her, and it was staggering. "I love wearing the ring," she whispered, brushing her fingers over his heart, trying to find a way to articulate it. "And I would fight for her and us any day." He smiled and squeezed her hip. "And as for sexy," she huffed out a laugh. "I look like Lanie woke me up with a phone call two hours ago."

"You look like you," he offered. "And you're always sexy."

"Damn, Rick," she murmured, unable to stop smiling. "Does nothing wound your charm?"

"With you around?" he grinned, puckering his lips until she raised herself to press hers to his in a languid kiss. "Never," he said as they broke apart a moment later.

"Okay then, loverboy, let's get you into the bathroom and out to see your daughter. I made baked eggs," she said as they began a slow trek to the bathroom. He did seem better today, and his steps were measured but not hesitant. God, that made her feel light. She could almost see him walking normally again, tackling her to the bed and showering her in kisses and caresses until she was breathless.

"Hurry up then," he commanded. "I love baked eggs."

Kate laughed and pushed the bathroom door open, guiding him inside and helping him prop himself up against the counter. They moved around each other, one quick and agile, the other lumbering and clumsy. Rick grunted in irritation as he reached to put his toothbrush back in the holder, winding above Kate's arm that was reaching for the soap. He dropped the brush and recoiled, sucking in a breath. Kate slowly put the brush back into the cup and turned to run her hands across his back, stepping behind him to place a kiss to his neck.

"Is it too early in this process to hate this?" he mumbled, letting his head fall forward as she massaged his neck.

"No," Kate replied gently. "Remember me? I was going crazy after a day, and that was just my arm." She'd probably been insufferable.

"Yeah," he sighed. "At least my teeth are clean?"

"Silver lining to everything," she laughed, stepping back from him to stand at his side and run a brush through her hair. "You'll probably get a lot of writing done."

He groaned and met her eyes in the mirror. "That's not a silver lining."

"Why not?" she asked innocently. She knew he was not a fan of having too much time, for exactly that reason. Rick worked best under pressure, and in the absence of it, was unable to do much of anything.

"Don't be mean to me," he whined. "I'm hurt."

"Baby," she chided softly, smiling at him as she threw her hair up into a ponytail.

"I like your hair like that," he commented, watching her apply a light coat of concealer under her eyes before she added a little eye shadow. "Why are you putting on make up?"

Kate shrugged. It had nothing to do with the fact that Meredith looked perfect after just having woken up. It had _nothing_ to do with that at all. "Feel like it," she offered after a moment, placing the eye shadow down on the counter.

Rick bobbed his head. "I can live with that." His stomach growled before she could find a retort and she giggled.

"Sounds like you can't live without food."

"That too," he grinned, turning and taking hold of the tops of her forearms. "Can we stop so I can put on a new shirt?"

Kate nodded and they paused by the dresser so she could help him into a new, clean, blue-as-his-eyes button down. He happily held onto the dresser as he watched her shimmy out of her pajamas and into a worn, yet flattering pair of dark jeans and a white cotton long-sleeved shirt. She did a little twirl, laughing as his eyes lit up at the gesture.

"That's not fair," he said quietly.

"Why?" Kate grinned, letting him brace himself on her arms once more as they began to shuffle back toward the office.

"I love that outfit," he told her, gently kneading her forearms while they passed through the doorway and into the study. "And you look huggable, and I can't hug you."

"Soon," she promised, guiding him through the door to the living room. "And more," she added, biting her lip and watching as he glared at her.

"Tease," he whispered, just as Alexis caught sight of them.

She jumped off the couch, now dressed for the day in a light purple summer dress that poofed out as she scampered over and walked backward next to Kate. "Hi, Daddy," she said cheerfully.

"Morning, Sweetheart," Rick said tightly, giving her a smile even as Kate watched pain flash behind his eyes while they took the final few steps to the long part of the couch.

Alexis hovered next to Kate as she and Rick lowered his injured body down onto the soft leather. He didn't make a peep, but kept his eyes shut tightly for a long moment once he was settled.

"Is Daddy okay?" Alexis asked quietly, leaning into Kate's side.

Kate ran a hand through her hair and nodded, glancing over at Meredith, who sat in the armchair behind them, watching everything with a carefully blank face. "He's just fine, Alexis. He's getting better everyday."

"Okay," she whispered. "Mommy helped me pick out my outfit. Do you like it?" she asked, spinning around so the skirt flared up and her hair twirled around her.

"It's very pretty, Lex," Kate smiled. "Nice choice," she added, turning so that she could face all three occupants in the room.

"Alexis felt like something a bit more summery," Meredith offered. The woman herself was wearing a casual green dress and black kitten heels, her hair tossed up in an elegant bun. "She was wondering if you'd mind if I took her out for lunch and to the museum."

"For the dinosaur exhibit," Rick added, opening his eyes and looking at his daughter. "I'm sorry I can't go with you, honey," he told her.

Alexis nodded. "Me too, but Mommy said she'd take me, and she even said she'd dig with me."

"The dinosaur exhibit?" Kate asked, feeling oddly out of the loop. She hadn't heard about it, and she'd gladly dig with Alexis. It sounded like fun.

"Paige's Daddy told me about it," Alexis explained hopping up on the couch to sit next to Rick.

"I was planning to ask if you had time to go, Kate," Rick added, giving her a gentle smile. Could he actually read her disappointment? How far into her head was he?

"Right," she said after a moment. She turned to look at Meredith. "I'm sure you guys will have fun, and it's a great way to see if this one is ready for school tomorrow."

"I'm going to school!" Alexis said immediately. "Please, Momma? It's the last day."

"We just want to make sure that you don't overdo it, Lex," Kate told her gently, surprised by the vehement response. "You were in a bad accident."

"I'm fine," she protested, frowning. "I can go."

"We're not saying no, munchkin," Rick interjected. "We're just saying there's the possibility that you won't be ready."

"Mommy, tell them they're wrong," Alexis begged, looking among the adults.

Meredith met Kate's eyes. So this was where they were: three parents and one child. They'd have to have a chat with Alexis about trying to pit Meredith against them, though Kate was sure she wasn't trying to do that intentionally.

"I think Kate's right, Alexis," Meredith said after a moment. "We'll see how today goes."

"But I'm just fine!" Alexis exclaimed loudly, jumping up to stand with her hands on her hips. "I want to go to school," she continued, her voice rising. "I'm not hurt and I want to go and it's not fair!" she'd started yelling and stamped her foot on the ground. "It's not fair!"

Kate couldn't remember ever having seen Alexis close to a tantrum. The girl was usually so well behaved and mild mannered that even this, which wasn't extreme, seemed jarring. "Alexis, if you keep pushing us, we'll make a decision without the museum," she said evenly, looking down at the girl, who was close to tears and beet red under the purple of her cheek.

"No," Alexis said, her eyes wide as she looked up at Kate, a woman who had never disciplined her before. God, why _today_? "I want to go to the museum. Daddy promised, and Mommy said she'd take me." Her voice was soft now as she stared at Kate, obviously confused as to why _she_ was the one suddenly standing in the way of what the girl wanted.

"Okay. Then you need to let us be your parents, Lex," Kate told her, neither stern nor soft. She just had to find Alexis' rational side again, under the upset and petulance. "You'll have a fun day with your Mom, and then we'll talk about school tomorrow. And if you feel up to it, you can go. We just don't want you to get hurt or sick."

Alexis considered this and the three adults watched as she struggled between being eight and being mature enough to take the deal. Knowing Alexis, she'd take the deal, but they had to wait her out. Kate glanced over at Rick and found him staring at her, caught between surprise and that look—that little sparkle in his eye that told her he was proud of her.

"Okay," Alexis said quietly, bringing everyone's attention back to her. "Sorry, Momma," she added, shuffling forward so that she stood right in front of Kate.

Kate smiled and knelt down to give her a hug. "I know you just want things to go back to normal," Kate said as Alexis tightened her arms around her neck. That's what this was. Alexis had been through hell and back, and then there was an opportunity for emotion, so things spilled out of control for her, if her grip on Kate's neck was any indication. "Everyone gets upset. It's okay."

"I didn't mean to yell," Alexis whispered.

Kate kissed her forehead and pulled back. "Hey, everybody goes out of control now and again," she promised. "Even me, even your Dad, even your Mom."

Alexis nodded after a moment and then glanced up at Rick. "Sorry Daddy. Sorry Mommy," she added very quietly, shifting her gaze to Meredith.

Meredith smiled and stood, offering her hand to Alexis. "Water under the bridge, sweetie," she said. "Now, why don't we go to the museum."

Alexis nodded, gave Kate one last, fleeting hug, and then walked over to take her mother's hand. Kate stood and looked at the pair. Alexis' face was closer to Rick's than Meredith's, but their resemblance was uncanny as they stood there together. Their dresses were similar and Kate was struck by the image of both of them crouched in a fake dinosaur dig in summer dresses, dirt up to their elbows.

"You know, you guys might want to change," she said with a small laugh. "I don't know that your outfits will really go well with fossil hunting." Alexis giggled, looking down at her dress. A second later, she tore away up the stairs without a backward glance, tantrum and upset forgotten.

"I don't know that I have anything, uh, suitable for such a thing," Meredith admitted.

Kate nodded. Why would she have brought casual clothes? That wasn't her style, was it? "I've got a pair of jeans that should fit you, if you want," she offered, shocking even herself. Both Meredith and Rick looked equally surprised. "Hey, you're going to make her day. The least I can do is loan you some pants," she explained, walking back toward the bedroom.

"Thank you," Meredith called after her.

Kate walked through the rooms and over to her dresser, shaking her head. What on earth had possessed her? She bent and pulled out her longest pair of jeans and a stylish buttoned blouse. Was she really about to hand her clothes over to Meredith? But the look on Alexis' face swam through her mind and she took a deep breath. They'd found a peace together, two mothers for one daughter. And they'd have to get along, for Alexis' sake. Today, Meredith got to be the hero, and as much as that twisted something into Kate's gut, it was reality.

Steeled with that thought, and the realization that at some point that morning, she'd matured into an older adult, Kate walked back into the living room and handed the clothes to Meredith, who stood in front of Rick. She nodded in thanks and walked down the hall to the half bath while Kate sat down next to her fiancé.

"What were you guys talking about?" Kate asked, scooting over to lean against him as he tugged on her shoulders.

"You," he murmured, dragging her face to his for a kiss. "And how amazingly you handled that situation."

"Seriously?" Kate asked, feeling her eyes widen. Meredith acknowledged her competence? Was the entire morning just a prolonged trip into the twilight zone?

"There might be something to this three-way parenting thing," he shrugged. "And I'm convinced you worked some voodoo magic on that woman."

Kate rolled her eyes and pressed her face into his neck, grinning against his skin as he carded his fingers through her ponytail.

"I'm ready," Alexis announced, tromping back down the stairs.

They regarded her with twin smiles as she pranced over, now dressed in a pair of khaki shorts and a black tee shirt with a raptor on the front, baring an impressive set of teeth at them. Paige had gotten it for her for Easter.

"You look fit to find some bones," Rick said happily as Alexis struck a few explorer poses. "You'll have fun. Make sure to get your Mom nice and dirty," he added, squeezing Kate's shoulder as she pinched his thigh. "What?"

"Daddy," Alexis sighed, finding Kate's eyes. "He's silly."

"That he is," Kate agreed with a grin of her own. "Have a good time."

"Thanks," Alexis said quietly, a bit of insecurity shining through. "Can we do something tonight?" she asked, walking over to stand between Kate's legs.

The twisted knot in her stomach fell away and Kate nodded, sitting up to give Alexis another hug. "We'll watch a movie and do our nails, hmm?"

"Yeah," Alexis whispered into her ear. "And maybe next weekend or something we can go out and do something…just, just us?" she asked, pulling away.

Kate smiled. "Definitely. Now," she heard Meredith walking back from the bathroom. "Have fun with your Mom, and be good for her, okay?"

"Kay," Alexis smiled. "Daddy, you be good for Momma," she warned, completing the chain.

Rick gasped in mock-horror and they laughed as Meredith came over, now wearing flats and Kate's clothing. It was an odd picture for their odd little family. "Ready to dinosaur hunt?" Meredith asked, sounding perfectly enthusiastic, even as Kate was sure that this was hardly her preferred way to spend a Sunday afternoon.

"Yep," Alexis grinned up at her.

"All right. Let's go," Meredith nodded decisively. "We'll be back in time for dinner," she added.

"Sounds good," Kate replied for them. Meredith smiled and then they watched as mother and daughter left the apartment, chatting away.

The door closed and they sat there in the silence of the loft. Kate tried to make it all make sense, but she couldn't. The entire morning was a blur, filled with too many surprises and confusing moments to count.

"So, to clarify," Rick broke the quiet stillness. "You get sole custody of Alexis if I die, you and Meredith have made peace, she's now wearing your clothes, and she's at the museum, up to her armpits in fake dirt."

"That…yeah, that about sums it up," Kate nodded into his good shoulder.

"And Alexis had a tantrum," he added softly. "I can't remember the last time she did that."

"She's had a really tough few days," Kate whispered. "I'm not surprised."

"Neither am I," he sighed, cupping the back of her head. "And I'm not surprised by how fantastically you handled it." Kate closed her eyes and breathed him in, unable to think of a good response. It had just happened, without any kind of organized effort. "You're a great mother, Kate."

"Thank you," she murmured, her eyes still closed. It was too much. Everything from the past four days hit her suddenly, and she stayed there, still against his shoulder, overwhelmed.

Rick felt her stiffen and rubbed his thumb over her earlobe as his hand caressed the side of her neck, relaxing her and encouraging her to sink into him. "Too much?" he whispered. She nodded reluctantly into his neck and felt him smile against her forehead. "Wanna yell at me? Helped Alexis," he suggested a few minutes later.

Kate swatted his thigh and then pressed a kiss to his neck. "Brat," she mumbled, even as his smart-ass remark helped her find her equilibrium again.

"Then we'll just stay here. I mean, I was planning on taking you out, but, this is fine too."

"Rick?"

"Yeah?"

"Shut up."

His fingers dug pleasantly into the muscle of her neck and he chuckled, the sound rumbling through his chest. "Love you too, Kate."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: So, that was the second half of the Meredith confrontation. Thoughts? I knew how I wanted it to go, but I'd love to hear what you thought, and if it fits with what you thought should happen. <strong>

**Also, ****I****'****ve ****launched ****my ****website ****with ****my**** original**** paranormal ****detective ****series, **_**The **__**Paige **__**Series**_**.**

**ERAlban (.) com (/) the-paige-series. **

**(The same link is also on my profile, if that's easier.)**

**I'd love to know what you think.**

**As always, you guys are fantastic.**

**Emma**


	36. Chapter 36

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I own only the detectives and people of _The __Paige__ Series._ However, if you want to give me rights to Castle, please, do. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 36:<strong>

"How is everyone, Beckett?" Montgomery asked.

Kate glanced back into the living room, where Alexis and Rick were seated on the couch, playing cards. Meredith had disappeared upstairs to take a shower and throw Kate's clothes into the laundry. "They're alright," she told the Captain. It had been a quiet night so far.

"Are you calling to tell me you're coming in tomorrow? Because Beckett, you have enough time saved up to take a decent break now."

Kate shook her head lightly. She didn't want to waste vacation time when they couldn't all enjoy it, but she did need a day or two. "I was calling to say that I'll be out tomorrow and for the morning Tuesday, just until we can hit a rhythm. Alexis finishes school tomorrow, and I think it's best that we have someone here who can go get her if she needs us."

"You know, family life suits you," Montgomery offered after a moment.

Kate smiled a little. "Thank you, Sir."

"Let me know if you need more time. We're happy to let you have as much as you need, though your boys seem a little lost."

"Gray?" Kate laughed. She couldn't imagine him feeling lost. A little petulant, maybe, but they weren't that close yet.

Montgomery chuckled. "Your other boys. Esposito and Ryan are moping around without you."

"Oh," Kate offered lamely. They were? That…really?

Montgomery laughed at her and she heard him shifting papers around on his desk, constantly busy. "Come back when you can, Detective. We'll talk tomorrow."

"Thank you, Sir."

"Have a good night, and give Castle my best."

"I will."

They clicked off and Kate leaned against the counter where she'd been doing dishes after dinner. Maybe the guys could come over on Tuesday and keep Rick and Alexis company when she went back to work. She sighed and watched as Alexis threw her sparkling hands up in victory, her soft exclamation of "Hah!" floating over to Kate. She didn't feel ready to go back to work yet, but she didn't want to take much more time; they were all okay, but it felt wrong somehow, leaving the two alone. She wanted to work, but there was something charming about painting nails with Alexis and relaxing on the couch—a glimpse of a life she could lead. Then again, as the sink gurgled behind her, Kate knew that after a week or two of nothingness, she'd go stir crazy, and no one would enjoy her company then.

She had to go back to work. She knew that both her father and Martha would happily help out, and Alexis seemed all right after the museum trip, if a little tired, and would probably be able to swing into summer with ease. Even so, Kate felt like she'd be abandoning them, and it wasn't a feeling she was comfortable with.

"Momma," Alexis called, rousing Kate from her thoughts. It was funny how quickly she'd adapted to the moniker. She wondered idly if Alexis would stop calling her 'Momma,' and revert to 'Mommy' once Meredith left. The thought left her rather sad. She liked 'Momma.' It made her feel needed. 'Mommy,' was wonderful, and she would take whatever Alexis was willing to give, but 'Momma,' was what you called the person you trusted most, in moments of weakness. Hell, Kate could remember climbing into bed with her mother a week before she'd left for college, whispering, "Momma" like a child, terrified out of her mind.

"Will you play a round with us?" Alexis asked as Kate found herself at the back of the couch, her thoughts having distracted her from the steps her feet had taken.

She glanced at the clock on the mantle. "Okay. One more round, and then it's bed time for you, missy," she conceded, walking around to sit on Alexis' other side as she pouted.

"But I'm not tired," she argued, turning to look at Kate, dwarfed by the two adults sitting beside her, one sprawled out like Caesar and the other sitting tall, towering above her little girl.

"Then you'll snuggle down in bed and relax before you fall asleep," Kate replied easily, carding her fingers through the girl's hair. "You need to sleep if you want to go to school tomorrow."

"I do!" Alexis protested, already on the defensive.

"Then we'll play a round, you'll have a bath, and go to sleep," Rick added. Alexis huffed but nodded and then fell back against the couch, sighing dramatically and crossing her arms over her chest. "Alexis," he chided.

Alexis looked over at him and then bit her lip, straightening up and shuffling the cards. "One more game," she said resignedly.

Kate smiled and plucked the cards from her hand, making a show of mixing them up. Alexis giggled and dropped her sullen petulance while Rick regarded her with some amount of pride.

"We really have to get you to one of the poker games," he said as she began dealing cards for Gin Rummy.

"What, so your poker buddies can whoop my butt? No thank you."

"I think you could beat them, Momma," Alexis piped up, watching as Kate cascaded the cards down into her left hand. "Michael's just a softie."

Rick laughed while Kate stared at the little girl. "I'm sorry, Michael Connelly is a softie?"

"He used to play hide and seek with me, until I got better than him, and then Jimmy made fun of him."

"Jimmy?" Kate repeated, arching an eyebrow at Rick. The Writers played hide and seek with Alexis and allowed her to give them nicknames? How had she missed that little detail?

"What? Cops don't like the innocence of little kids?" he asked, winking at her.

"Touché," Kate chuckled.

"Enough talk. Deal," Alexis demanded, her voice low in an attempt at intimidation.

Kate gave her a challenging look and dealt. They played silently, passing assessing looks among them. Alexis' poker face—Rummy face—wasn't very good yet, but she did a credible job of imitating Kate and Rick. It was such a normal activity and there was a certain amount of charm to the situation that eased the anxiety Kate was beginning to feel about the coming week.

Ten minutes later, Meredith descended, now dressed in a pair of slacks and a white button-down, and came to sit in the armchair it seemed she'd claimed. She watched as Alexis beat them and tossed the cards up in victory. Rick followed suit while Kate rolled her eyes.

"You do realize you have to pick them up," she told Alexis, shooting Rick a disapproving look.

"But Daddy…" Alexis trailed off, looking up at her father. "That was underhanded," she grumbled, climbing off the couch to pick up the cards.

"And how, exactly, did you learn what underhanded was?" Meredith piped up, watching as the girl quickly found all of the cards from their nearly 52 pick up.

Alexis giggled. "Daddy guilted Momma into coming home for dinner last week, saying that he hadn't seen her in three days, and then when she got home, she found us waiting to ambush her with laser tag."

"I was hungry," Kate offered. "And, as it turns out, there was no dinner waiting, and Rick was just tired of having Alexis beat him," Kate added.

"She had fun," Rick argued, smiling over at his fiancée. "And I fed you."

"I made dinner!" Kate laughed. Initially, she'd been peeved by it—insulted and angry that he'd conned her into leaving the precinct to come home and play. Granted, they'd closed the investigation and she had just been doing paperwork. And by the time they'd both pouted at her and she and Alexis beaten the pants off of her smug then-boyfriend, she'd been more relaxed than she had been in days.

And when they'd lain down to sleep that night, he'd admitted to just wanting to get her to take a break and relax. It stirred a small part of her that still wanted to be fiercely independent, but she pushed it down in place of turning in his arms and urging him to help her 'fully' relax. And by the time they fell asleep, she was left only with the feeling of contentment for having a man who cared for her so deeply.

"Regardless, we had fun. But," he turned to look at Meredith, who was watching them with a rather melancholy expression. "That's why Alexis knows what being underhanded is."

Alexis yawned beside her and Kate took her eyes off of the other woman, sitting across from them, somehow mourning a family she'd give up. "Looks like it's time for that bath and bed," she said gently, watching as Alexis nodded reluctantly. "But just think. After tomorrow, school's over."

The girl smiled and then frowned. "I don't know whether I'm happy or sad," she concluded after a moment, turning to look at Meredith. "How long are you staying?" she asked quietly.

"I have to leave in the morning," Meredith replied after a pause. Kate bit the inside of her cheek in disappointment for her daughter and she watched Rick stiffen. "I got a call just now about a part I need to be in LA to audition tomorrow night."

"Oh," Alexis murmured. "Okay."

"But," Meredith said, glancing at Rick and then Kate. "Maybe I can take you to school?"

"As long as she actually gets to school and doesn't end up in Paris, that's fine," Rick said. Meredith looked as though she wasn't sure of her own reaction, caught between amusement and lingering ill feeling.

"I promise not to whisk us to anywhere other than Starbucks for iced hot cocoa," she replied after a moment.

"Please?" Alexis asked, looking among them.

Kate caught Rick's eyes and he gave her a small nod, giving her a say in the matter. For an irrational second, Kate wanted to say no—wanted to punish Meredith for leaving again so quickly, and deny her that last time with her daughter. But the pettiness dissolved when she looked down at Alexis, who only wanted to spend time with her mother.

"That sounds good," she said softly, watching as Alexis' face lit up. "Now, bedtime," she added.

Alexis sighed but nodded and hopped off the couch. She looked at all three of them, biting her lip. After a moment, she leaned in and kissed Rick's cheek. "Night, Daddy," she said, smiling as he replied the same. She then looked between Kate and Meredith, picking at a newly painted nail.

With a maturity that seemed to win out over her more jealous impulses, Kate opened her arms for Alexis. "Why don't you take her up, Meredith? Can I have a goodnight hug, Alexis?" she beseeched, grinning as Alexis flung her body into her arms.

"Love you, Momma," she whispered as she kissed Kate's cheek.

Kate smiled into her hair while Meredith stood up. "I love you too, munchkin. Now sleep."

"Fine," Alexis giggled, taking the hand Meredith extended to her.

"We'll talk once she's asleep?" Meredith asked, looking at Rick.

He nodded and then they watched as the two left the room, in an odd parallel to the previous evening. Kate and Rick sat in silence, listening to the door close and the sound of water running through the pipes as Meredith drew her daughter a bath. The rest of the apartment was filled with soft Jazz from the surround-sound stereo system, and it washed over them as they sat there staring at each other.

"How much is there to talk about?" Kate asked quietly, breaking the still air around them.

"Most of it can be handled by our lawyers, giving you concrete rights, and then there will be papers to sign," he said easily. "It won't be messy. But Meredith will want to set that up."

"We have that in common," Kate murmured. "The leaving, though..."

"I know," Rick sighed, leaning his head back to stare up at the ceiling. "It's…at least she came this time."

"I know," Kate repeated, scooting closer as he beckoned out to her with his hand. "I just…Summer starts for Lex tomorrow, but she can't?"

Rick simply nodded and pulled her in for a kiss. She went willingly, sinking into the feel of him. When she pulled back she met his eyes. "She has you," Rick said quietly. "And that's kind of the whole point, right?"

Kate just smiled and ducked her head into the hollow of his neck, unable to think of a good response. Yes, Alexis had her, but that didn't mean that Meredith wasn't important. Wasn't that the point? They'd decided to share Alexis, because, however grudgingly, they acknowledged that they were _both_ important to that little girl.

They sat quietly for a long time, and Kate felt Rick's breathing evening out. It was like the entire previous evening was replaying all over again, only this time, Meredith was leaving instead of staying. But Rick was warm underneath her, and she felt her own eyelids growing heavy, stress catching back up to her and knocking into her system. She could worry about Alexis and Meredith and her job and abandoning them in a few minutes. For the moment, she would just close her eyes.

(…)

Seeing Meredith and Alexis off the next morning was easy. Both left in high spirits, matching smiles on their faces as they giggled about where they would grab breakfast before Meredith dropped Alexis off. Kate shut the door to the sound of their laughter and leaned back against it, wearing a pair of boxers and a tank top covered by Rick's robe.

They'd decided to meet with their lawyers and then send the papers to Meredith's team. Then, when she came back in a month to visit again, they'd all have a legal meeting and that would be that. It was simple, all things considered, and for all the hype Kate had given it in her head, she felt oddly empty of a sense of catharsis. But, for Alexis' sake, she walked over and started the coffee maker. She could go without catharsis if it meant that Alexis would grow up happy, loved and safe.

She watched as the pot filled with their ridiculously good coffee. She was relatively immune to the wealth that surrounded her every day now, since it had always just been the loft in her mind. As friends, as lovers, as partners and now as fiancés, the loft had always been home for them and now for her. But the coffee? The coffee he got specially ordered from a small fair-trade plantation in Colombia? That was wealth, and damn if it wasn't worth it.

Kate was just about to pour herself a cup that would make waking up so early completely worth it when there was a knock on the door. Sighing, she put down the pot and closed her robe, walking tiredly over to the door. Paula Haas had to be the last person she expected to see, but there she was, impeccably coiffed and ready for the day. Why was it that all of the women in Rick's life could look like forest animals dressed them while they sang Disney songs before 9am?

"Paula," Kate managed around her surprise.

"Kate," Paula replied. "May I come in?"

"Uh, sure." She opened the door further and let the shorter woman into the apartment. "Paula, not to be rude, but why are you here?" she asked, following as Paula walked into the kitchen and looked around.

"Where's Rick?"

"Asleep," Kate replied, baffled. "He might be up soon though. Why?"

"Three days," Paula offered tensely. "Three days you've been engaged, and no one bothered to call me?"

Kate sighed and rubbed a hand through her hair. "Paula, Rick nearly died on Wednesday. And we didn't even know about the paper until Saturday, late."

Paula glared at her. "And you couldn't spare a five minute call?"

"Look," Kate barked. She stopped and took a deep breath. She had too many emotions for this right now. She'd shown remarkable restraint with Meredith, and had kept it together around Rick and Alexis, but she was a pressure cooker. She didn't _want_ to unload it all on her, but the woman wasn't making it easy, and wouldn't it be fun to let Paula feel all of the insecurity about her skills as a mother and wife, worry about her family, fear of her own mortality, and general frayed nerves?

"Kate," Paula interrupted before she'd even begun. "I understand that you've been through hell, but this is important."

"I know that," Kate growled. "You think I like the fact that the press knew I was engaged before I'd even told my best friends? You think I like the fact that it's a picture of my mother's ring, and Alexis? I know it's serious, Paula."

Paula regarded her with wide eyes. "When will he wake up?" she asked after a moment of listening to Kate take a few deep breaths.

"I don't know," Kate replied just as they heard, "In here, Paula," float out from the bedroom. "Stop bothering Kate."

Paula rolled her eyes and gave Kate a fleeting glance before she strode away and into their bedroom. God, was there anything in there she shouldn't see? Kate did a mental check and then collapsed onto one of the bar stools; Rick was hurt, so of course the room was presentable. She buried her head in her hands and closed her eyes. It was too much. It was really just far too much.

Meredith, and Alexis' nightmares, and the accident, and the engagement, and her mother's ring, and the fact that this could happen again—everything spun dizzily, until she was taking shallow breaths and trying to figure out exactly how she'd gone from perfectly fine to panic attack in about two minutes. She rode it out, listening to the honking horns on the street below, and the muffled voices from the bedroom. She was stressed and scared and tired and overwhelmed, so it was bound to happen. But honestly, why now, with Paula in the next room?

She sighed and focused on her breathing, forcing herself to push everything out of her mind so she could calm down. Twenty minutes passed before Kate managed to pull herself back together, throwing her hair up into a cleaner-looking ponytail. It had been a while since she'd had a panic attack, and she was reminded, as she trembled while pouring her coffee, of just how much she hated them. At least this time she'd been able to come out of it on her own, and no one needed to know.

The voices in the bedroom stopped and a few minutes later, Paula emerged, guiding an unsteady Rick, who looked the worse for wear on all accounts. Kate quickly set down her coffee and hurried over to help get him down onto the couch. Paula, for her part, was doing an admirable job of being supportive, and Kate felt some of her irrational hostility fall away as a testament to the woman's help.

They stood side by side as Rick breathed slowly, his eyes shut as he rested on the couch. After a minute, he opened them and looked up to find Kate's. He opened his mouth and then closed it, staring at her. "You okay?" he asked.

Kate merely smiled and shook her head. "I'm just fine. Is everything ironed out?" she dismissed, turning to look at Paula. She needed to try and find that poker face; she couldn't be an open book all the time.

"Yes. Your _fiancé_ just gave me a statement—very small, very private—to release to the press. And thank you. Next time you two do something big, try to give me a heads up, all right?"

"If I'm not busy trying not to die, we will," Rick fired back as Paula gave Kate's arm a squeeze and walked around her.

"Kindly shut it, Rick Castle," she called as she left, the door closing behind her.

"And there she goes," Rick sighed, looking up at her. Kate was still stuck on the, 'if I'm not busy trying not to die,' part of that sentence, even as she tried to shake it free. "Kate?"

She leaned down and kissed his forehead before resting hers against his. "Can you stop having disruptive women in your life?" she murmured.

He laughed and met her eyes. "I'll work on that. Are you sure you're alright?"

"I'm fine," Kate lied. She'd tell him eventually. But right now, she just wanted that coffee, and maybe a few hours to lie around on the couch and focus on nothing. She didn't want to think about leaving them tomorrow for work. She didn't want to think about him ever getting hurt again. She didn't want to think about the press, or Paula, or Meredith, or anything. "Do you want coffee?" she asked quietly.

"Kate," he said, staring into her eyes in that way that always made her wonder whether or not he could read her secrets. Because, as always, when he pulled back, he understood. She wasn't sure how, but he did. "Coffee would be great."

"Okay," she whispered, pressing her lips to his for a moment. Then she stood and walked back to the kitchen, determined to push it all away.

(…)

"Kate," Rick sighed, staring at her from the bed as she worried a nail at her mouth, staring at her reflection. "Hon, come on."

"What?" she snapped, spinning around to face him. "What?" she added, softer this time, aware that he was in no way at fault for her nerves.

"We'll be just fine," he said. He'd been quiet about it all night and now he was smiling at her and reaching out for her hands.

She slowly walked over to the unkempt bed and took his hands, standing beside his head and looking down at him. He'd showered already, but had gotten back into bed to rest while she got ready. She wore a light summer blazer and black slacks, her hair pulled up into a bun and power heels on her feet. She looked like Detective Kate Beckett, but she felt like Kate, failure of a mother and fiancé, leaving her family alone. She wasn't comfortable with either feeling, and her mother's ring shone up from her hand. She'd neglected her own mother and then…

"Whoa, Kate. Where'd you go?" Rick asked quietly, breaking Kate out of that downward spiral. His eyes were wide with concern.

"I…" she cleared her throat and shook her head. "Nowhere," she continued, giving him a soft smile. "Just…you're sure I should go?"

"Kate, Javi and Kevin are here playing laser tag with Alexis. She's cheered up since last night, and I'm sure they'll keep her that way, and entertain me too. We'll be just fine. My Mom and your Dad are on speed dial, and you know we'll call you if something happens. But Kate, we're just fine."

"I know," she laughed nervously. "I know that."

Rick considered her for a moment before tugging her down to sit next to his hip. His color was finally coming back and his cheeks were faintly pink, his eyes warm and wide as he looked her over. "You look fantastic, and you're going to kick butt. We'll be here when you come home."

"Yeah," she nodded, feeling foolish and irrational. But things _happened_. God, the last time they'd been just fine, they'd ended up in the ER. And logically, she knew that the same wouldn't happen today, but logic hadn't ever helped her before. Logic said that her mother should be alive and she shouldn't be a Detective, be engaged to Richard Castle, and be the mother of a little girl.

"Is this killing you?" he asked.

Kate snapped her head up to meet his grin. "Shut up," she grumbled. "And yes."

"You'll get more even keeled about it," he promised.

Kate narrowed her eyes at him. "Prove it." She could use whatever he had to spare, because she felt completely emotional and irrational, and it was annoying the crap out of her.

"Look at your left hand," he said quietly. Kate lowered her eyes to their hands, his larger fingers wound through hers, moving the ring back and forth. "See that ring?"

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Your mother and father started a life together with that ring," he continued, his voice low, and soft, and utterly mesmerizing. "They had you and your mother lived a very happy life with you and your father. And she didn't walk around worrying every day."

Kate dislodged his left hand from her right to swipe at her traitorous eye, which was leaking. "No," she agreed. "But then she was murdered."

Rick nodded sadly. "But before that," he urged, finding her eyes with his, "your parents were blissfully happy. We're going to have that."

Kate glanced back down at the ring. "They were," she said quietly. "But I just…" she trailed off and sighed, looking up again, only to find him sitting there, holding a small black box in his palm. "I…"

"I love you," he said, his voice soft and reverent as he brought her hands up to hold the box with him. "And I know this isn't me on bended knee, with roses and the whole shebang."

"I don't ne…"

He shook his head and she fell silent, content to let him say whatever it was he wanted to say, his voice washing over her like a balm. "I had it all planned out, but you know, plans don't always work out."

"No, they don't," she murmured, images of a night spent waiting at a diner, of her father sinking back into alcoholism, of Alexis and Rick lying in hospital beds, flashing across her mind.

"But this?" he continued, waiting until she met his eyes again. "What we have? That's going to work out, Kate. That's going to be forever." She smiled faintly and watched his eyes light up. "I am going to wake up with you, and kiss you good morning, and whine when you have to leave the bed. I am going to annoy you, and pester you, and make you laugh when you come home, so much that you forget all about murder and death. I am going to raise our kid with you, and watch her grow old, and listen as you try to console me when I can't handle that."

She couldn't help but laugh and the ache in her chest eased up, watching his face as he spoke, eager, excited, in love, and so very him.

"I am going to make you dinner, and drag you on vacations and give you bubble baths. I am going to get you pregnant, and talk to your stomach, and make you crazy because I won't let you do anything." Kate laughed as he winked and tugged her closer, the box still held between them. "I am going to hold our baby with you and tell you how proud of you I am and watch as we raise our beautiful family together. I am going to grow old with you and live life with you. And I'm going to love you until the day I die. I am going to marry you, Kate Beckett, and that's for keeps."

She was aware that she was crying. But it was beautiful, and he was so handsome, and there, and staring at her, loving her. "I…" she swallowed as he opened the box. There, nestled inside the black velvet was an Asscher cut diamond ring. The ring was platinum, and it surrounded the square diamond that lay flat along the rest of the ring, glittering in the sunlight that poured through their window. "Rick," Kate breathed, watching as he lifted it from the box.

"I thought something sleek and flat would be the easiest, and the most unique," he said quietly, as he slowly worked her mother's ring off of her finger. "And I figured that you already have a traditional ring."

Kate smiled, watching as he slid the other ring, _her_ ring, onto her finger before bringing her hand to his lips, pressing a tender kiss just above the diamond. He reached out with his other hand and picked up her chain; she hadn't even noticed it on his bedside table. She watched through hazy eyes as he slid her mother's ring back onto the silver chain and then gently reached up to glide it over her head.

She sat still, allowing him to tuck the ring inside her blouse, his hand falling to linger over her heart. "I can't promise that nothing bad is ever going to happen," he said softly, breaking the silence that had fallen, her words stolen by his, and the ring, and his eyes. "But I can promise to love you for the rest of our lives, and to be here to come home to."

Kate nodded softly and leaned in to find his lips, bringing her hands up to cradle his scruffy face, the ring gliding over his short beard. "I love you. I love it. And I love you," she whispered against his lips.

"I'm going to marry you, Kate," he murmured, just before sucking her bottom lip between his.

Kate sighed, a breathy pant expelled as an almost-moan escaping as they pulled apart. "Rick," she said softly.

He smiled and brought a hand up to cover hers on his cheek, running his thumb over her ring. "Go to work, Detective," he murmured. "And then come home and kick my ass in poker with the boys."

Kate laughed loudly while he grinned. "This beautiful, _beautiful_ moment," she sighed dramatically. "And you had to ruin it."

He chuckled and pulled her back in for one last, hot, warm, consuming kiss. "Go," he whispered as they pulled apart.

Kate stared into his eyes. "I love you," she repeated, driven to say it as many times as she could before she left.

"Love you too," he smiled.

He nudged her with his nose and she stood, smiling. "You be good for the boys," she told him, adjusting her blouse and jacket. The cool metal of her mother's ring slid against her neck and she stilled for a moment. She hadn't realized that she'd missed the sensation until now.

"I will," Rick promised, breaking her from the thought. "And you kick some ass, Mrs. Castle."

Kate simply smiled and stared at him for a moment before she turned and left the room, head held high. She retrieved her badge and gun, watching the way her diamond looked as she clipped the badge to her belt. Mrs. Castle. Married woman. God. And damn did the ring look good on her finger—right and beautiful and whole. She loved the ring around her neck, but this diamond, _his_ diamond, her diamond, was theirs.

Bolstered by that feeling, she walked into the living room, only to feel Alexis scamper behind her and use her as a shield while Esposito and Ryan crouched behind the couch. All three wore intense expressions, vests and carried the laser tag guns.

"Okay, children," she laughed, reaching back to squeeze Alexis' shoulder. "I'm going out. Can I trust you all to behave?"

"We will if they will," Ryan replied.

Kate sighed and shuffled over to the door, plucking her keys from the bowl. "Honestly," she muttered, turning so that she and Alexis were face to face. "I'll be back tonight, okay, pumpkin?"

"Okay," Alexis said easily. Gone were all traces of the tearful girl from the night before, who had stayed up with them, sniffling into Kate's side. "Javi and Kevin said we could order pizza and wings."

"Sounds good," Kate smiled. It sounded a lot better than chasing down a murderer. "Have fun. I'll see you around eight," she called out for the general group. The guys yelled back their agreement, and Kate heard Rick's faint, "Go get 'em," waft through the loft. "Okay. I have to go. Love you, sweetie."

"Love you too," Alexis grinned. "Catch bad guys."

"Will do," Kate smiled. Alexis ran away, to the sounds of laser fire and grunts of discouragement. Kate shook her head and forced herself to leave the apartment. She closed the door and walked to the elevator, trying to let Rick's amazing proposal fill her up with confidence.

She wasn't abandoning them; she was just leaving for a while. They'd be there when she got back. But, she could come home to this. She could come back to a loft full of children of various ages, all waiting to make her smile. And she would go to sleep with the man who was going to marry her. Because he was going to marry her; she wore his ring, and that was for keeps.

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><p><strong>Author's Note: This chapter did exactly what I wanted it to do, but it came out very differently from how I expected it to. I like it, and I'm curious to know what you thought.<strong>

**Thank you to everyone who has gone to read my original series. I really appreciate your feedback, and I have to say, between that and the reviews for this story, you've made a very difficult week of midterms and tough life stuff much easier. **

**So thank you. I love you guys, and you're really and truly wonderful people.**

**Emma**


	37. Chapter 37

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I own _The__ Paige__ Series._ Writing for Castle would be a dream come true. So, you know, let's make that happen? **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 37:<strong>

"That is one impressive rock," Gray offered, reaching over to lift her hand up so the other guys could take a good, long look at her new engagement ring. "Two, four carats?"

She hadn't asked. "An expert on diamonds, are you?" she returned, yanking her hand back with a smirk.

"I seem to recall a certain Detective denying an engagement not that long ago," Hall added, sitting down on the edge of her desk. "Something about a wedding dress and not believing everything you hear in the papers?"

"Your point?" Kate asked, looking up from the paperwork she was filling out for the close she'd walked into. The guys had solved their case just as she came in, and in a fit of benevolence, she'd offered to write up the suspect backlog for them. Of course, now that they were hazing her and gathering a small crowd of not-so-subtle officers, she was wondering what had possessed her.

"Congratulations, is their point," Jacobs said with a light chuckle. The other two scowled and plopped back down at their desks. "Congratulations. I trust everything's all right with your family?"

Kate smiled at him. For all the animosity he'd had for her when she'd started as a uniform, Jacobs might now be her favorite member of her team. "Thank you. And yes, they're fine. Rick will be laid up for a few more weeks, but Alexis is doing well, and currently kicking Esposito and Ryan's collective ass in laser tag."

"Sounds like fun," Jacobs said. "We've been a bit off without you, but take more time if you need it."

Kate nodded. "Thank you. But it's good to be back."

"Well, then save those days up for the wedding. When is it?" Gray piped up.

"End of September," Kate said absently, filling out another line on her form as Jacobs made his way back to his desk, grabbing a box to start taking down the murder board.

"That's soon," he interjected as he grabbed the picture of Talia, a young woman who had been stabbed in a bakery and left splayed across the tables.

Kate hummed. "I guess." It hadn't been something she'd focused on so far. Was it soon? Did they need to start planning now?

"Are you ready for the insanity?" Hall asked with a small grin. "God, my wife nearly offed herself while we were planning."

"That's because you had a three hundred person wedding, Hall," Gray laughed. "I didn't even know a third of the people there."

"Her family's big," Hall objected.

"Planning my wedding wasn't a picnic either, and we had a small one," Jacobs cut in. "But, we refused a planner, and somehow, I feel like that'll be on the top of your list," he continued, erasing their timeline.

"Rick's supposed to call Elise tomorrow," Kate confirmed, finishing off her paperwork with a flourish. "But it shouldn't be too bad. Small, you know?" At least she hoped it wouldn't be too bad. They were all making it out to be hell. She didn't want hell. She just wanted a simple wedding. How hard could that be?

"Are we invited?" Gray asked, sounding excited and petulant all at once.

"Stop flaunting my ring for the world to see and stay on my good side, and we'll see," Kate smirked, standing and gathering the files to run them down to processing. She wouldn't worry about the wedding now. They had time yet.

"I don't like those stipulations," Hall called after her. "It's supposed to be conditionless!"

Kate just laughed as she turned the corner, feeling more even-keeled than she had in a week. There was a distinct sense of normalcy about being back in the pen, arguing and bickering with her guys, knowing that Rick and Alexis were okay at home. And she did know that. She would have known it even if she hadn't called them three times in the seven hours she'd been at the station.

"Katherine Beckett." Kate turned and found herself face-to-face with Lanie. "What's this about a new ring I'm hearing? You didn't come to see me first?" she demanded, hands on her hips. Lanie was actually fairly intimidating in her blue scrubs. Maybe it was something about the fact that she cut people up in that outfit.

"I was planning to stop by before I headed home," Kate hedged, handing her files to the amused looking uniform who was leaning out of the office to their left. "And I knew you were held up with a couple bodies, so I thought I'd wait until I knew you had a break?" she finished meekly.

Lanie glared at her for a few seconds before huffing out a sigh and reaching out to drag Kate closer, bringing her left hand up for inspection. Her face relaxed into a grin before she whistled. "Damn, girl."

"Right?" Kate replied happily, feeling that giddy excitement she'd had to tamp down on the ride over resurface.

"It's gorgeous," Lanie breathed, dragging her down the hall to plop down into two uncomfortable leather-padded chairs outside of the conference room. The hallway was oddly empty and Lanie had no qualms about taking advantage of that. "So, how did he do it?"

Kate smiled and squeezed Lanie's hand. "It was really quiet."

"No big gesture? I mean…well…hard to do when you're laid up, huh?" she conceded.

Kate laughed. "A bit. But it was perfect. I…leaving today was harder than I thought it would be, and he just…he calmed me down and then gave the most amazing speech and," she petered off, raising a shoulder.

"And now it's officially official?" Lanie offered.

"Yeah," Kate grinned.

"Look at you," Lanie said happily. "You can't stop smiling."

"It's been a rough day that way," Kate admitted. "And the guys are such busy bodies."

"You should have come to me first," Lanie pouted. "I would have been sufficiently excited and not at all obnoxious."

"I'll remember that," Kate laughed. "I'm still learning to do the open thing, you know?" she added softly. She and Maddy had always been close, but after her mother's death, she'd stopped sharing so much. And it had only gotten worse as they'd grown apart. Lanie, however, demanded full disclosure, and it was taking Kate a surprisingly long time to adjust back to how she'd been in high school—unmeasured and free with her love and relationships.

"I know," Lanie smiled. "And you're doing well."

Kate nodded. "Thanks."

"Now, I expect a full run down at a later date," she grinned. "But, I think I should send you home."

"Don't tell me Esposito or Ryan sent you an S.O.S," Kate groaned.

Lanie let out a surprised laugh. "Are you kidding? They had a blast."

Kate was glad to hear it, but was more interested in latching onto the fact that Lanie was texting with one or both of them; Ryan wasn't a lock, but Esposito sure was. "Been texting Espo, have you?" she asked innocently.

"Shut up and get your skinny, engaged butt back to your boy so you can knock them down a peg. Apparently, they're having too good a time playing poker, and Ryan's losing money fast."

"He would be," Kate laughed. "But fine. I'll go. See you tomorrow?"

"Definitely," Lanie smiled, standing and pulling Kate to her feet. Then, in a move that startled the detective, Kate found herself pulled into a hug. "I'm so happy for you," Lanie said quietly.

"Thank you," Kate replied as they pulled apart, both smiling with suspiciously shiny eyes.

"Now, home with you."

Kate nodded and left her friend in the hall. She squared her things away, laughing as Hall and Gray tried to convince Jacobs to ditch the wife to go out drinking with them; they were never successful, and Kate knew all three would return home to their wives, and happily so. She bid them goodnight and then left the pen, walking to the elevator with an easy gate, relaxed.

The city was relatively quiet for a Tuesday night, and Kate was happy to zip through traffic to get to the parking lot at the loft. She hadn't done anything but paperwork during the day—that and enduring the fawning from everyone who caught sight of the ring. Montgomery had even congratulated her, and told her that it was about time. She'd never actually asked Rick what he said to his buddies during those poker nights. Perhaps she should start, since it sounded like Montgomery might actually know more about their relationship on Rick's end than on hers.

She got out of her car and made her way into the building, nodding to the guard in the garage before she hopped into the elevator. She unlocked the door to the loft a minute later and shuffled inside, listening for sounds of her family, and the boys; she supposed they were sort of one in the same. She hung up her jacket and slipped out of her shoes before padding into the living room.

The silence was explained as she caught sight of the four of them, sitting at the poker table. Alexis, dressed in a pair of summer pajamas with a wet braid, was sitting on a stack of three telephone books so she could see over the table. Kate was surprised to see that the girl had a pile of chips in front of her that rivaled Ryan's across the table. Both guys were glaring at Rick, who looked like he was taking his good, sweet time deciding on a bet as he lounged in the armchair they'd finagled up to the table and raised somehow. That was a feat of maneuvering she didn't really want to figure out.

Kate snuck past into the office, laughing silently at the fact that they were too focused to notice her. She stowed her badge and gun in the safe and took a moment to stretch and breathe in the smell of home, before she walked back out into the living room.

"Daddy," Alexis let out, exasperated. "Stop dallying. Bet or go home."

The boys roared and Kate laughed at Rick's surprised look. She padded over and came to stand behind Alexis, bending down to get a good look at her cards. "Good hand, munchkin," she whispered.

Alexis whipped around, bringing her cards down into her lap so no one could see them. "Thanks!" she said happily as Kate kissed her cheek. "I'm kicking butt."

"Looks like it," Kate laughed. "You taught her to play poker?" she asked the group.

They all regarded her warily, unable to tell whether or not she was upset or amused. Ryan and Esposito were wearing jeans and their respective college shirts while Rick wore a pair of sweats and a white tee shirt. It was an odd yet endearing picture and Kate couldn't find any reason to ruin it by being the wet blanket.

"She's a minor," she offered with a laugh. "But, I don't think we have to worry just yet, and you need some real competition anyway."

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is, Beckett?" Esposito grinned. "Or should I say Castle?" he added, throwing a significant look at her ring.

"Beckett will do just fine," Kate scowled at him. "Whether or not I change my name, I will be Beckett to you."

"Oh, come on," Rick interjected. "Detective Castle has a certain ring."

"For you," she scoffed. "I have a feeling that interrogating people when all they want to know is whether or not I really am your wife, might be less fun than you'd think."

"Or…" Rick paused, glancing at the guys, who were staring at him, eyebrows raised, eagerly awaiting his comeback. "Or they'll be so impressed that you _are_ Mrs. Castle that they'll give you all the information?"

The three cops snorted collectively and Alexis giggled. "That's not a good theory, Daddy," she offered. "Now place your bet before Mommy makes me go to sleep."

"Your kid is her own parent, Castle," Ryan muttered as Rick threw two black chips into the pool.

"What are you playing for?" Kate asked, leaning against the side of Alexis' chair. "And yes, this is the last hand, little miss."

"Gummy bears and candy for me," Alexis replied. "I think they're playing for money though."

"Wouldn't be fair to make her pony up, you see," Esposito added. "All right gang, cards down."

Kate watched as all four placed their cards on the table. Ryan had two pair, but everyone got one, so he was out. Esposito managed three and two, but Alexis had a flush.

"Well done, kid," she grinned, ruffling her hair. "Beat their pants off."

Alexis smiled and then stuck her tongue out at the guys as they sighed and leaned back in their chairs. "I've won three games," Alexis told her.

Kate glanced over at Rick, who had only beaten Alexis by a card, turning her flush into his royal flush. He winked at her. Apparently, Alexis hadn't won every round, but, good father that he was, he'd let her. "Looks like this time your Dad wins though," Kate said.

"Sorry, pumpkin," he laughed as Alexis pouted. "But you did good, and hey, how 'bout I take you out for lunch with my winnings once I'm better?"

Alexis nodded enthusiastically and Kate caught both Esposito and Ryan watching her with affection. Oh, her boys, all three of them, were so whipped.

"When is that, exactly?" Ryan asked as they cleaned up and tossed Rick what looked like a good 50 dollars.

"When's what?" Rick asked, counting the money slowly while Esposito groaned.

"When are you allowed out?"

"Oh," Rick sighed. "I'm on bed rest for at least another week and then I guess we'll see."

"Once the stitches come out and he can get up and sit down on his own, we can think about going out for short escapes," Kate continued. "For now though, he's kind of stuck here."

"There are worse places to be stuck," Ryan offered, glancing around the living room. "I'd kill to have this as my sick pad."

"The live-in nurse and effervescent child don't hurt either," Rick murmured as Kate tapped Alexis on the head and laughed as she clambered down from the chair with a sigh.

That was too easy. "Well, your nurse maid is going to take your effervescent child upstairs. Maybe you boys can clean up?" She glanced at Rick and found him watching her, stuck between amusement and foreboding. She'd take amusement. She was far too relaxed and unruffled to care about his teasing tonight. He looked healthy, laughing and goading with the boys. She wouldn't ruin that.

"I thought you were going to clean up," Esposito challenged, shooting her a look similar to the one he used on the shooting range when he thought he could beat her.

"Fine," Kate conceded, unable to back down from that type of challenge. "Alexis can give me all your tells while we're getting ready for bed."

"You better not," Ryan said immediately, staring at the little girl who was leaning into Kate's side.

"Or what?" Alexis fired back through a yawn.

"Or…" Ryan glanced at Esposito.

"Tread lightly, boys," Rick grinned while the two had a silent exchange—one of the benefits of being partners. "She's still your boss."

Kate watched, amused, as they tried to come up with a suitable threat that wouldn't get them in trouble. It was an odd feeling, being boss, mom and fiancé all rolled into one. Apparently, she was intimidating; it felt good, and Kate wasn't sure if she was comfortable with that.

"Or we'll tell Castle all your hiding spots for laser tag."

Alexis gasped and Kate simply shook her head. "They don't know them, Lex," she said with confidence. The boys glared at her.

"We're going to be detectives too," Ryan whined. "Don't think you have the market cornered on observation."

"I don't," Kate shrugged. "But even I can't figure out all of her spots, so I doubt you can."

"Are you saying you're better than us?" Esposito asked, narrowing his eyes. "Getting a little big for your breeches?"

"Just calling it as I see it," Kate grinned. "Now, I'm going to go upstairs with this one," she wrapped her arm around Alexis, "and you boys are going to get ready to have your butts kicked."

With that, she turned and guided Alexis up the stairs, hearing a series of hushed whispers, a few that sounded suspiciously like, "tease," floating up with them.

"Did you have a good day, Mommy?" Alexis asked as they entered her room. Kate was struck by a small pang at 'Mommy,' which made her want to slap herself. 'Momma,' and 'Mommy,' were the same, and she knew that Alexis would revert when Meredith came back in a month. And hell, she'd probably start calling both of them 'Mom' in a year or two anyway. The thought made her inexplicably sad.

"Mommy?" Alexis prompted as she hovered at the door to the bathroom.

"Sorry, Lex," Kate chuckled, walking over to sit on the girl's bed. "It was good. They guys were happy to have me back."

Alexis smiled. "I'm glad."

"Did you have a good day with the boys and your Dad?"

Alexis nodded enthusiastically. "We played laser tag and then Kevin made lunch; he makes really good pasta. And Esposito and Daddy played Halo while Kevin and I played Monopoly, and then we switched and Javi had a duel with me. It was fun, but we missed you," she finished as Kate's eyebrows nearly reached her hairline.

Her boys had done what? "You dueled with Esposito?" she asked, unable to stop herself as she was assaulted with the mental picture of her tough friend running around the loft with a twig, shouting Harry Potter spells. She hadn't been aware that he'd even read the books.

Alexis giggled. "Yep. He doesn't know as many spells as you do, though," she smiled. That was true. Kate knew all of the spells just as well, if not better than Alexis. And she was only a year older than Esposito; at least she had an excuse. She could always just blame Alexis for her obsession with Harry Potter; Rick certainly used his daughter as an excuse for enough things.

"Well, I'll have to square off with him sometime, then," she said, watching as Alexis' eyes lit up at the idea. "And you can be the judge."

"Awesome!" the girl squealed.

Kate laughed. "All right, now, with the promise of that, it's time to brush teeth."

Alexis rolled her eyes but trotted into the bathroom all the same. Kate was glad that she wasn't as petulant now, but she had a feeling that her newfound sass wouldn't disappear. She was sure that there would be times when that would come back to bite them, but she couldn't help but find it cute. Alexis was such a smart kid, and watching her turn that into her own little brand of sarcasm and wit was fun and made Kate proud somehow. God, she really was a Mom.

She turned down the bed for the girl and flopped backward to stare at the ceiling for a moment, taking in the quiet of the room and the soft twinkle from the lights above her daughter's pillows.

A few thoughtless minutes later, Alexis climbed up and sank down beside her, snuggling into her until Kate lifted an arm so Alexis could cuddle into her side. The girl smiled and took Kate's left hand, lifting it up so they could look at the ring together.

"Do you like it?" Alexis asked quietly.

"Very much," Kate said softly. "It's pretty, don't you think?"

Alexis nodded into her shoulder. "I thought so when Daddy picked it out."

"You went with him?" Kate asked, surprised.

Alexis smiled. "He wanted my opinion after I said he could marry you."

The idea that she'd had Alexis' seal of approval all the way back in December was oddly staggering and made Kate blow out a slow breath. "Well, thank you, honey. I love it."

"I'm glad," Alexis sighed. "I'm really happy that you're marrying Daddy," she whispered.

"Me too, munchkin," Kate murmured back. "But I think we need to get you right side up in this bed before you fall asleep on me."

"But I'm comfy," Alexis protested, wiggling closer.

Kate smiled and gently shifted them until Alexis was sprawled out at the head of the bed. She gingerly climbed off and then tucked the girl in, savoring the experience. Alexis had always been affectionate, and she knew that her penchant for cuddles wouldn't change, but she was growing up, and her new need for closeness after the accident would eventually disappear.

"Night, honey," Kate whispered, leaning down to kiss her forehead.

"Night, Momma," Alexis sighed, sinking into the bed and pulling Hamilton close to her chest.

Kate smiled and stared down at the girl for a minute before she switched off the light and made her way out of the room. She was still 'Momma.' She smiled as she walked down stairs. But as she hit the floor, she schooled her features. If she was going to kick some cocky-uniform butt, she needed to be a steely poker player, not a besotted mother. She could smile and sink into their bed later.

"And the mother returns," Esposito grinned as Kate made her way into the living room and took Alexis' vacated seat, gently dropping the phonebooks to the floor. "She asleep?"

"You tired her out," Kate nodded, taking the cards Rick dealt and watching as he threw down the flop, a seven. Kate already had a pair, which was good. She kept her face blank as they went around, exchanging cards and placing their initial bets. She let go of her three, picked up a queen, and threw ten into the pot. She could afford up to about 50 dollars, and damn if she wasn't going to match the guys.

"She had a good day," Rick added as he flipped the turn. She now had two pair—two queens and two sevens. Not too bad, but it could be better.

"I hear there were some spells flying around," Kate offered disarmingly as she threw in 20 more. Esposito faltered as he went to place his bet, glancing at her. He narrowed his eyes for a moment, looked down at his cards, and then tossed a matching bet into the middle of the table.

"So?" he asked easily, though she could see a bit of hesitance there, which only increased when Ryan laughed and tossed his own bet into the pool.

"Nothing," she shrugged as Rick carelessly went in, his cards flat on the table. She didn't expect to beat him, and they wouldn't be betting against each other tonight; this was the time to beat the boys. She could whip his ass when he was playing against the Mayor. That would be far more satisfying. Right now, they were both too tired to hide from each other, and the stakes were too low to matter.

"He did pretty well," Rick said, flipping the river. "Going all in?"

Kate glanced around the table. She had two pair, and no one looked that cocky. Ryan usually had a tick above his eyebrow when he was confident, and Esposito generally bit his lip. Neither had a tell; in fact, they both looked exhausted, yet determined to win.

"All in," she said confidently. Everyone followed suit. At least it was a low bet.

Slowly, they turned their cards over. She beat Ryan by rank, her queens to his jacks. Esposito only had one pair. Rick kicked her ass, coming out with two kings. Damn.

"Hah!" he grinned, dragging the pile toward himself as the boys groaned.

"Damn, Beckett. It would have been better if you'd won," Esposito whined. Ryan nodded his agreement as they both shelled out crumpled wads of cash.

"Sorry fellas," she laughed, extending a hand. "Pony up, Rick. What's yours is mine."

"Hey," he jerked the money away from her hand. "That's not how it works."

"Oh no?" she asked quietly. "So that equality doesn't extend to the poker table?"

"Hell no," he laughed as she tried to lean across the table to grab the cash from him. "I beat your ass."

"You know, that money's just going to go in our joint account," she simpered, getting up out of her chair to stalk toward him, feeling oddly playful and carefree in the presence of a happy home. Her emotions were all over the place—happy one moment, panicked and frantic the next. But in this moment, all she wanted to focus on was getting that cash from her fiancé.

"Kate," he warned as she leaned over the chair. "I won, fair and square."

"She's gonna get it from you, man," Esposito laughed. "Even if you could tackle her, you know she'd whoop you."

"You don't know that," Rick evaded, switching the cash to his other hand as she leaned over his chair, bringing their faces close together to distract him. She blew on his lips and watched as he smirked. "Good try," he countered, turning to look at the guys. "She's sneaky."

"I've never seen this side of you, Beckett," Ryan grinned at them. "It's very…playful."

Kate looked over at the boys. She'd almost forgotten they were there; or, rather, she'd almost forgotten that they were her subordinates. At the moment, they were just the guys who had played with her daughter and kept her fiancé entertained while she'd been out working. They didn't seem like her trusty uniforms, Esposito and Ryan just now. But regardless of their situation, they _were_ her subordinates, and she'd just tried to seduce her fiancé into giving her money.

"You got a point, Ryan?" she asked, deciding to play it cool. She was at home, and they were her friends, and for a moment, she just wanted to be 24, in love, and feeling a little silly. And hell, Esposito had chased Alexis around with a twig. She could get away with acting her age. She turned back to Rick and found him watching her, his eyes sparkling and mouth twisted into an affectionate smile.

"How 'bout I take you out for dinner too, and we call it even?" he suggested. "I do owe you an engagement dinner, and why not do it on their dime?"

Kate smiled back, unable to stop herself. "That sounds great. Thanks, guys," she laughed, watching as they scowled. "How thoughtful of you."

"That's unfair," Esposito decided as Ryan nodded.

Kate shrugged and leaned forward to give Rick a quick kiss. The guys whistled and she shook her head as she stood up, squeezing the hand Rick had grabbed in an attempt to pull her back.

"We have company," she denied, laughing as he pouted and the boys grumbled.

"Gross, Castle," Esposito mumbled, standing and cracking his back. "We should head out. I don't want to see anymore, do you, Ryan?"

"No way," Ryan grinned. "Plus, we've got work in the morning."

"Thank you, guys," Rick said earnestly as they tucked the chairs into the table. "You really cheered Alexis up."

"No problem," Ryan said, bumping fists with Esposito. "It was our pleasure."

"We on for Saturday night?" Esposito asked.

"Definitely," Rick laughed.

"Great. Have a nice night, you two," Esposito said as he and Ryan trooped out of the living room. "See you tomorrow, Beckett."

"Night guys. Thank you," she smiled as they slipped into their shoes and opened the door.

"See ya," Ryan added, following his partner out. Kate heard them laughing and closed the door, sliding the chain and locking up before she turned and made her way back to Rick.

He watched as she walked over, his eyes raking up and down her figure. She couldn't tell if he was checking her out, or assessing her, though it hardly mattered. Kate reached his side and leaned down so that they were face to face.

"Hey," he said softly.

"Hey yourself," she smiled, leaning in to kiss him. His hands came to cradle her face and he held them together, his lips soft over hers in the stillness of the living room.

"You look happy," he breathed when they finally broke apart.

Kate just smiled. "You look healthy," she said, kissing his nose. She felt an overwhelming urge to be affectionate, and wanted nothing more than to curl into him—to sit on his lap in that chair and stay that way for hours. But they couldn't do that just yet, so she'd have to settle for his fingers on her cheek and his eyes staring into hers.

"I feel better," he admitted. "But we missed you today."

Kate let out a slow breath. "I missed you guys too. But it looks like you had fun."

"They're great guys," Rick nodded, tucking a tendril of hair that had fallen out of her bun behind her ear. "And Alexis was happy for the whole day, which was great."

Kate smiled. "She seemed good when I put her to bed. You know, she told me you asked for her permission to marry me back in December?"

He fixed her with a soft expression, his lips pulled into a small smile. "You surprised?"

Kate bit her lip. "Not really. I just…you really knew back then?"

"Didn't you?" he asked, running his thumb across her cheekbone.

Kate stared at him. She'd known he was probably her one and done long before last December, but had she been sure about it? Then again, hadn't she been sure about him even before they'd been dating? They'd always sort of been headed to this place—living together and starting a new life. He'd been the only one to help her stand up, while letting her figure it out on her own at the same time.

"I guess I did," she whispered.

"Then stop acting so surprised," he laughed, dragging her in for another kiss. "Did you get a lot of crap for the ring and article?" he asked once they'd pulled apart a second time and she'd found a comfortable position, leaning over him while bracing her hip on the arm of the chair.

"Some," she admitted. "Mostly from Lanie, and only because I hadn't gone to see her yet. We have to invite the team to the wedding, by the way."

"Why?"

"I won't be able to take the whining if we don't," Kate said honestly, laughing with him. "And they're good guys; they deserve the break. I mean, Montgomery will probably be there."

"I know he will," Rick said easily.

"That's right," Kate said, remembering her question now. "What do you say about me at these poker games? Because it seems like Montgomery always knows way more than I tell him about us."

Rick just smiled. "Is it a crime to say how amazing my girl is?"

That little endearment never got old, and Kate was constantly surprised by how much she enjoyed the term. She'd never wanted to belong to anyone before Rick, but the man made the phrase so very lovely with the way his eye sparkled when he said it. "I guess not," she shrugged.

He chuckled and then yawned. "So that's all."

Kate shook her head lightly and then stood up, gently turning his chair around on the swivel base that they'd hoisted up on top of a surprisingly sturdy platform of books and a plank of wood. Where on earth had they gotten that? "Bed time, I think."

"But it's early," Rick grumbled, taking her hands and helping her pull him into a sitting position before they slid him to the floor so he could stand. He swayed and she steadied him, rubbing circles against his elbows with her thumbs while he winced and took a few measured breaths.

"You okay?" she asked quietly when he'd opened his eyes, now full of subdued pain, in place of the playful sparkle from only a minute earlier.

"Feeling better," he smiled slowly. "Gimme a week and I'll be right as rain."

"Sure," Kate laughed as they started moving back toward the bedroom. "And when you're all better, we can start planning the wedding." Rick sighed. "What?" she asked, suddenly wary. It wasn't good if the man who had already been married once was sighing. She'd been hoping Gray and Jacobs were just exaggerating.

"Nothing," he offered. "The planning's tedious, but it'll be worth it." She'd have to ask him more about that soon.

Kate kissed him softly before guiding them back into the bathroom. He was steadier on his feet today and the movement hadn't made him ashen yet. She smiled as she watched him move around her in the small space, able to take those few steps on his own.

"What?" he asked, catching her gaze in the mirror.

"Nothing," Kate said, reaching around him for her own toothbrush. "I like seeing you walking, that's all."

His smile became very soft and he turned her to pull her gingerly into his chest, looking down into her eyes. "Before long, I'll be doing more than just walking," he whispered.

"Is that supposed to be dirty?" she laughed. They kept smiling at each other, smitten, their expressions far from lustful.

"It will be, but I'll also be able to pick you up and hug you and everything else," he whispered, catching her into another kiss.

She hadn't realized how spoiled she'd become in the four days they'd spent at home together. Having unlimited access to his kisses had been a treat, and now it felt like they were making up for lost time.

"Just think of how tired we'll be when we're able to make up for lost time," he mumbled against her mouth, as if he were there inside her head.

Kate giggled and ran her fingers through his hair, her toothbrush clattering into the sink beside them. She'd have to try to get more sleep to prepare for that. Because as he bit down on her lip and fiddled with her ear, she knew they wouldn't be doing much sleeping at all when he was healed, and she might need the full month of sleep to prepare for it.

(…)

A week and a half later, Kate found that instead of rested, she was twice as tired, twice as stressed, and three times as cranky. Her nights were marred by nightmares, her days filled with murders, and every moment in between was suddenly filled with wedding preparations. What flowers did she want? What colors? Can you make it back to the loft for lunch? We need to finalize the menu so they can pre-order.

Kate let her head fall into her hands as she sat at the kitchen island. Alexis was over at Paige's house for the night, and Rick had taken his new-found freedom of movement to go down the block for groceries with the roll-along cart they'd spent 30 minutes arguing over before he'd given in and taken it. All around her, papers were scattered out with different details, from a preliminary seating chart and guest lists to a series of pictures Maddy and Lanie had sent over for gown suggestions, as they'd be sharing Maid-of-Honor duties.

But she wasn't in the mood for decorations or seating charts or dresses and lace. She'd spend the entire day tracking down pedophiles recently out of prison and interviewing those on parole. In between interviews, she'd fielded several calls from the press, to which she'd given yet another series of "No comment," replies. And now she had details to iron out so she could give everything over to Elise. But all she wanted to do was collapse.

Rick was doing better. He could walk and move around on his own, and the stitches had been taken out of his side, but now he was grumpy. He whined and griped about being shut in all the time, even though they both knew his little trip to the store was going to cost him. She hadn't had the heart or the patience to convince him to stay, and instead they'd fought about the cart, and how he really couldn't be carrying things yet.

She wanted to scream, or punch something, and she banged her hand against the counter, wincing at the feeling of using too much force. Her necklace shifted around her neck as she went to rub her hand and Kate sighed. She hadn't mentioned it, but on top of _everything_, it was her parents' wedding anniversary, and she'd woken up with a dark cloud. She'd spoken to her father in the middle of the day, and he'd promised that he was going out with his sponsor and some friends, and was doing all right, all things considered.

Kate wished she could say the same. The wedding details and invitations and lists were mocking her, whispering about how her mother wouldn't be there—how her mother would see her in her dress, or be there to give her away, or help her put on her veil, or give her something old, new, borrowed or blue. The ring on her finger usually glinted happily in the light, but tonight, in the quiet loft, it just seemed sad, like a shimmer that shouldn't exist.

She'd been so swept up in the novelty of it all, and the giddy, elated feeling she got every time Rick so much as mentioned the word, 'wife,' that she'd forgotten about the other side—the side that missed her mother and knew that at some point, the fact that she wouldn't be there would crush her whole.

It seemed like that moment had come, as tears began to trail down her cheeks. But she had details to iron out, and Rick was still pissy about having to take the cart, and this just _wasn__'__t_ the time.

She sat there, biting her lip and filling out charts for twenty minutes, staunchly refusing to break down. So her mother wouldn't be there. Her mother hadn't been there for her graduation. Her mother hadn't been there for her first case as an officer or detective. Her mother hadn't been there for Will, or for her confusion with Rick. And so her mother wouldn't be there for her wedding; that wasn't new. She wouldn't be there for the ceremony, or the reception. She wouldn't be there when Kate got pregnant. She wouldn't be there when she had Braxton hicks, or morning sickness, or cravings. And she wouldn't be there when she gave birth to a beautiful little boy or girl. She wouldn't be there to watch Alexis graduate, or see her other grandchildren reach important birthdays, talking, laughing and growing into little humans and then adults. But Kate had known that for a while.

The tears turned to sobs that she couldn't control, and that was how Rick found her some ten minutes later. She was hunched over the counter, the forms and pictures pushed away as she cried into her hands, a weeping mess that she couldn't control.

"Kate," he said softly, rolling the cart over until it rested by the refrigerator. He hurried to her side and sat down with a small grunt, placing a warm hand on her back. "Honey?"

"I…" she gasped, futilely trying to catch her breath around the torrent of tears and snot and sobs she'd created. "It's…"

She couldn't find the words, but he didn't seem to care. Instead, he stood slowly and pushed his stool away so he could take her hands and guide her up, walking her over to the couch, his hands large and firm over hers. She continued to cry, unable to stop what she'd started, and dazedly recognized the feeling of the leather beneath her body, and then of his arms, tugging her close so that he could shift her legs over his and cradle her body against his left side.

"Kate," he murmured, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "What's wrong?"

Gone were all traces of their earlier fight. He sounded sincere and worried, his voice hoarse as it always was when she was hurting. "It's…" she tried again, taking a gulp of air and blinking away the tears as they finally began to ebb. "Today is, um. It's my parents' anniversary," she whispered into his neck.

"Oh, sweetheart," he sighed, pulling her as close as he could. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I just," she sighed as he began to card his fingers through her hair until he reached her scalp, massaging gently and easing the headache that was coming on from all of the crying. "I didn't…it's been such a hard week," she mumbled. "And I didn't want to add to it, and I thought I'd be okay, but," she gave a hollow laugh. "Obviously not."

He breathed against her forehead and then she felt a warm pressure there as he kissed her repeatedly. "I'm sorry," he said softly. "I'm sorry that you're hurting, and that you felt like you needed to hide this."

Kate shook her head. "I wasn't hiding it. I just didn't even want to acknowledge it, because…" she trailed off, trying to figure out why, of all things, she'd kept this from him. It wasn't because she didn't trust him. It wasn't because she didn't feel like he deserved to know, or because she was worried about his reaction to her reaction.

She reached up with her free hand and fiddled with the ring around her neck, feeling new tears pour down her cheeks. It was because he'd almost died only two weeks ago, and that was raw, and adding her mother to the mix created _this_—this broken woman on a couch, sobbing into her fiancé's neck. And she wanted to be strong and happy. Obviously, keeping it in didn't do her any more good than letting it out.

"I just wanted to be happy," she whispered. "And I wanted…wanted the wedding to be wonderful and bright, and now all I can think about is how Mom won't be there, and how she won't meet Alexis, or our kids, when we have them, or anything and I…"

"Kate," he whispered, his voice tight. "Honey, look at me," he urged, waiting until she'd found the courage to sit up and meet his gaze. "I love you," he said gently.

"I know," she replied, confused.

"No," he shook his head and gave her a soft smile. "I love you, and if getting married is only going to be painful for you, then we don't have to. We can do it next year, or later, or never; whatever you need."

She gaped at him. _That_ was what he thought she was saying? "You oaf," she managed around her shock. He blinked, and if she weren't too busy crying and pulling herself back together, she would have laughed. "I want to marry you. And I want to marry you on September 25th, like we've been planning. I just…" she bit her lip and tried to figure out how to say it without hurting him. "I think this is going to hurt no matter when we get married. But I _want_ to."

He took a second to stare at her, finding something in her eyes before he pulled her back to him and pressed his lips to hers in a soft kiss. "Okay," he whispered when they pulled apart. He cradled her face with his hands. "Okay, then tell me how I can help."

"I…" she sniffed and gave a small laugh. "I…" She just needed this—the quiet feel of his arms around her, without more details to go through. She didn't want to think about all the things she wanted to do with her mother, and all of the things she would have been better at picking. Right now, Kate just wanted to curl up against him and feel his breath on her forehead while she wound down. "Just…"

"Just what?" he prompted gently.

"Just stay here? With me?" she whispered. She knew he would, and she wanted to punch herself for the meekness in her voice, and the shyness of her tone. She didn't have to be afraid of asking for his help. It's what he was there for; it's what he'd always been there for.

"Anything," he promised, wrapping his arms back around her as she snuggled into his side. "Always, Kate. Anything you need, anything you want."

Kate nodded into his neck and they sat quietly for a few minutes, listening to each other breath, one set of lungs taking in steady streams of air, while the other took erratic, panting breaths that eventually evened out into snuffles.

"You know, when this happens, you can always feel free to shut me up if I'm being an ass," he started quietly, making her laugh a little. "You can tell me to go to hell, or to the kitchen, to get you a glass of wine so you can take a bath. You can yell at me, not because you're right, but because you're hurting and I'm too busy being a jerk to notice."

"Rick," she sighed, wanting to stop him, because it sounded like he was blaming himself, and he shouldn't.

"Just tell me this stuff, Kate," he said, leaning down to brush his lips against the crown of her head. "That's why I'm here, remember? It's part of the best friend agreement."

"Not the fiancé agreement?" she whispered back, touched, and scared of herself, and her walls, and the fact that apparently, she still wasn't sharing with him; and she thought she had been doing a pretty good job up until now.

"Fiancé and husband's all well and good," he said softly. "But the guy you drove to the Hamptons to see is still here, underneath the ruggedly handsome fiancé, and you can still tell me anything, you know?" Kate nodded slowly. Was that what had changed? "I know you've been hiding this stuff from me, Kate," he continued.

"I haven't…" she tried, but he squeezed her shoulder and she shut her mouth, now fully aware that she was lying.

"You've been having panic attacks and nightmares," he said gently. "And I know you were trying to hide, but jeez, Kate. If you don't talk about it, we'll be back to the start, and I hate seeing you like this."

"That's why…" she stopped herself, unwilling to finish the thought. It wasn't his fault, and she knew he didn't mean it that way. "No," she shook her head before he could open his mouth again. "I thought it might just go away, you know? Seeing you walking and smiling and fighting to be stupid with your health—I thought that would help. I just…it's been too much and…"

"And you didn't want to do this," he finished for her. "I know."

"I…" she sighed and just leaned into him. "I'll try." It was the best she could do.

"That's all I'm asking," he murmured against her hair, and she could hear the smile in his voice. "And I'll try not to be an ass. Can we make a calendar for me, so I know when this stuff is coming?"

"A calendar of the things that make me emotionally unstable?" She snorted and leaned into him. "Seriously?"

He laughed. "Why not? If I'd known, Kate, I would have run you a bath and cooked you a meal, not left you at the counter, going over wedding details that we both know make you crazy."

"It's fine," she deflected. She didn't want him to go to the trouble. It was just like any other day, only it wasn't, and it hurt, and she just wanted her mother back. "I just miss her," she admitted softly.

"I know." He cupped the back of her head and she melted into him. "I know. I'm so sorry, baby."

"Baby, honey, sweetheart," she whispered against his shoulder.

"You don't like them?" he asked quietly.

They didn't usually use pet names, or they hadn't before the crash. But ever since, they'd both been guilty of it. And before, it would have bothered her, but now it was calming and comforting, and there was something about the gentle, loving way he said them that had her sinking into his body.

"No, I do," she mumbled.

"Contrary woman," he chuckled.

"Shut up and hug me," she laughed as he did just that. "Thank you," she added some minutes later, when her heartbeat had slowed and breathing didn't cost her effort.

"I love you," he replied simply. "And you're not alone here."

"I know," she promised him. She did, and someday soon, she'd get better at this.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked, his voice soft and low, comforting.

"Not now, but soon?" she whispered. She didn't think she could go through memories of her mother tonight. But she wanted to. She wanted to share it all with him, and with Alexis someday. But tonight, she just wanted to listen to his heartbeat and feel his breath against her head as he slowly lulled her to sleep.

"Whenever you want," he said, smiling into her hair.

Belatedly, she remembered why they'd been fighting, and realized that their groceries, a number of which were frozen, were probably melting onto the floor. "The shopping," she mumbled, thoroughly relaxed against his shoulder.

"I'll do more tomorrow," he whispered.

"Wasteful," she managed as her eyelids grew heavy.

"Maybe, but you need to sleep, and hell if I'm moving," he said gently. "Just sleep, honey."

"Okay," she mumbled into his shirt. "Love you," she added, her voice heavy with sleep as she stared at the black of her eyelids. She may not be great at sharing, but she trusted him enough to fall asleep on him, curled up after crying into his shoulder.

"Love you too," he said, shifting a bit until he was thoroughly comfortable. "And someday, Kate, we'll get this part right."

She shook her head against him. "You're great. I'll get there."

"Hey," he rubbed her shoulder. "It's a team sport, you know? That's what best friends are for."

Sleepily, she fumbled over his chest until she found his hand, and then, in a childish gesture they'd laughed over way back at the beginning of their life together—because they had started a life together at that first dinner—she wound her pinky through his. He laughed and squeezed her finger. "Promise," he said softly, his voice ringing out over the room as sleep took her under.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Hey gang! Sorry about the wait for the last two chapters. Midterms and fall break really cut into the writing cycle. This chapter was a fun one to write, and I hope the span of emotion and some time worked well. A few of you mentioned Kate's reluctance to show Rick how hard everything had been. I've been planning a breakdown (a real one) for a while for her with him around, and I hope this explained some of that.<strong>

**Thank you, as ever, for your amazing support of both this story and my original work. Your messages, reviews, tweets, tumbls and alerts make my day, and have made this tough week so much better.**

**Emma**


	38. Chapter 38

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I have class at 9am. Andrew Marlowe doesn't. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU.**

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 38:<strong>

"So help me God, Elise, if you have more napkins for me to choose, I might have to hit you," Kate announced as she walked into the kitchen, where Elise and Martha had set up shop at the island. "Though I do mean that in the nicest possible way," she added, scooting into the office to put her badge and gun into the safe before she returned and plopped down next to the petite blonde woman, who gave her a warm smile.

"Hello to you too," Elise laughed. "Tough day?"

"Five suspects, no leads, and one group of cranky boys makes for a very tired detective," Kate admitted, folding her arms onto the table in front of her. "Hi, Martha."

"Hello, dear," Martha said, smiling at her. "Richard told me to tell you that he's taken Alexis out for the afternoon to get a new swimsuit."

Kate moaned and buried her head into the hollow of her arms. "I was supposed to do that with her yesterday, but they needed me in interrogation."

Martha chuckled while Elise rubbed her back consolingly. The woman was a miracle, and even though she griped about it, these sessions, ironing out details Elise had already listed out, itemized and considered, were mitigating the stress of wedding planning quite spectacularly.

"Alexis wasn't upset," Martha assured her. "She said this way, she'd get ice cream and new pool toys out of the deal, and you guys could watch a movie tonight."

Kate gave a small laugh. Yes, Rick was definitely the shopping parent; he couldn't say no to much. Though, after everything they'd been through in the last three weeks, through his recovery and Alexis' separation issues with them and with Meredith, a little spoiling certainly wasn't out of place. "Good," Kate said, lifting her head and sitting up, feeling a bit more put together after the moment of collapse. "So, what have we got?"

"Music, flowers and champagne," Elise grinned. "An easy one. Martha and I already went through the place settings and banquet decorations."

"Really?" Kate asked, trying to minimize the relief in her voice, and failing pretty dismally, judging by the laughter she received. "I'm sorry I'm not more into this," she admitted. "I just…I've never been a really girly girl, and this…"

"Takes a girly eye," Elise finished. "No judgment. You keep the guy in line; that's skill enough for me," she laughed.

Martha nodded. "And you make them happy. I, for one, love these types of things, and honestly, Kate, being included is more than I can ask for."

Kate stared at her soon to be mother-in-law, sitting there sipping a mimosa at 5pm. "I'm…thank you, Martha."

She smiled. "Meredith wanted nothing to do with me," she said, putting down her glass and adjusting her green jacket. "And the whole affair was big and bawdy, which suit her just fine, and Richard muddled along; but this wedding? This is his last wedding." Kate swallowed and bit her lip to keep from beaming or crying, though she wasn't quite sure which one was winning. "So thank you for including me," Martha finished.

"You're…you're welcome," Kate murmured, overcome. She didn't have her mother, and that was certainly part of why she hated doing the planning, but she _did_ have Martha. And this woman had taken her in, helped plan her wedding, calmed her down, taken her out to stress lunches—she'd done everything Kate needed and more. "Really, I should be thanking you."

Martha blinked and they smiled at each other, both a bit overcome. Elise coughed a moment later and there was a beat before all three of them began to laugh. "Should I leave you two alone?" she joked, bumping Kate with her shoulder.

"Careful," she chided. "I could make you a bridesmaid, and you know, I haven't quite decided that I'm not being evil yet."

"Oh please," Elise scoffed, smirking. "Maddy and Lanie called me two weeks ago, and they've already gotten gorgeous dresses."

"What?" Kate spluttered, putting down the glass of water she'd noticed next to her. "What?"

Martha shook her head. "Those girls have lovely royal purple dresses all picked out. I think they were planning on surprising you with them."

"Oh," Kate said, baffled. Well, that was something off the list, right? She felt so overwhelmed and lost by all of the details she had let other people take over. "Great."

"Though, we never did rule out flower crowns," Elise shrugged. "So guess you could still be slightly evil."

"No flower crowns," Martha and Kate said together.

Elise grinned and crossed something off on the large notepad she always had with her. She had seventeen schedules and spreadsheets and note cards, a laptop and a palm pilot going at once, and Kate was always impressed. She was organized. Elise was a superpower.

"Now," Elise turned and Kate caught Martha grinning into her mimosa once again. "I know you guys decided on a Swing band, and I've got that all cued up. But you still haven't picked a song, and Paula made a good suggestion yesterday."

"Paula?" Kate asked skeptically. Nothing good ever came from that woman if the lead up was 'a very good idea.' "I thought we weren't doing _any_ press."

"She thinks it might be best to have one photographer who will distribute a single shot, so that you can give that out, without having to make statements. And she figured that you wouldn't want to pose, so we thought we'd have him take it during your first dance, candidly."

Kate narrowed her eyes and looked between the two women. "What am I missing?"

"Nothing," Martha shrugged.

"So, you and Rick will need a song, and we thought maybe you'd like to pick something where you'll really cover the floor," Elise continued innocently. "I suggested dancing lessons, but Martha said that Rick doesn't need them. Can you confirm that for me? And do you need them?"

Kate felt her jaw drop. Oh no. There was no way they were taking dancing lessons. "I don't need lessons," she said indignantly. She was a great dancer; Rick said so, and so had every man she'd been with. "And I agree with Martha. Rick's great."

"Fine," Elise laughed. "You two should make sure you practice though; we wouldn't want your one wedding photo to be of you tripping over yourself."

Kate mock-glared at her and Martha chuckled into her drink. Elise was a cheeky Godsend, but, as she outlined the various choices they had for flowers, a task Kate had all but given up on a few weeks earlier, she couldn't have been more grateful that she had her help.

(…)

"You look exhausted," Rick observed as he plopped down beside her a few days later. Kate blinked over at him, her head resting on the back of the couch, her body sprawled out as she lay there, well and truly tired. "Bed?"

She shook her head. "No," she sighed, sitting up and turning to him, her heels on the floor by the couch. They'd eaten dinner and she'd managed to keep herself tuned in, but now, with the leather beneath her and a full stomach, she was fading fast. But it was only eight, and she didn't want to crawl into bed now; Alexis wasn't even in bed yet.

He smiled and leaned down to find her lips, a move he'd been very happy to perform over and over since he'd been given the all clear from the doctor that morning. She arched her back and raised a hand to cup the back of his neck while he moved over her, trapping her into the corner of the couch. She smiled against his lips as he held himself up above her.

"What?" he asked, his voice gruff while he rested his forehead against hers.

"You can lean over me. It's nice," she said softly, carelessly, like it wasn't something they'd been waiting on for over a month.

"I can do more that that," he growled, reaching behind her to splay his hand out over her back, pulling her up into him so that they were chest to chest, his opposite hand supporting his weight along the arm of the couch.

"Kid, awake, upstairs," she mumbled between kisses as his lips trailed over her face, lips, neck and ears.

He sighed against her neck and dropped his head to rest on her shoulder, laughing quietly. "Later?" he mumbled, pressing an open kiss to her throat.

"Later," she agreed. She was still tired, and sore, and run down from the suspect chasing and wedding planning and general task of being alive and busy, but damn if she wasn't going to finally, _finally_ celebrate their engagement. It wasn't as though they'd been celibate for a month and a half. They'd managed as much as was humanly possible, and frequently, but they hadn't been able to fully consummate their new relationship, and now, with him hovering above her, warm, solid, well and handsome, even her own self control was waning.

Before she could let herself succumb to that ridiculous sense of carnal want, he reached out behind her, found the remote, and clicked on the stereo system. Frank Sinatra floated around them, filling the slightly messy room with soft jazz and his smooth, silky voice. Kate groaned happily and then in protest as Rick backed away and stood up. She stared up at him and smiled as he extended a hand to her. She took it and let him pull her from the couch and into his arms.

They shuffled their way between the couch and coffee table until they were standing on the open rug over by the bookshelves. The plush carpet felt heavenly under her feet and she relaxed against Rick's shoulder as he pulled her into his arms and they began to sway to the soft sounds of "I've Got You Under My Skin." He twirled them slowly around the room, his cheek resting on the crown of her head.

"You know, Elise is worried that we'll fall over during out first dance," she said softly when the song turned over and "What a Wonderful World," filled the room.

Rick scoffed and then quickly spun her out and back. She nearly did stumble, but his strong arms caught her and she smiled up at him. "I don't think it'll be a problem," he chuckled. "Unless I'm too busy trying not to die from the sight of you in that dress."

Kate felt her cheeks heat up, because no matter how long they'd been together, his compliments still warmed her heart and sent that little girlish rush throughout her body. "I hope you haven't been peeking at that dress, Mr. Castle."

"No way," he grinned, bending down to find her lips for a moment. "I want to be thoroughly blown over."

"Good," she replied, kissing him one more time before she nuzzled her face into his neck and breathed him in as they continued to move around their living room.

Ten minutes later, she glanced up and found Alexis sitting on the arm of the couch, watching them. She met the girl's eyes and smiled at her. Alexis smiled back and then bit her lip.

"What's up, munchkin?" Kate asked, rubbing Rick's neck to snap him out of the little trance they'd both fallen into. He turned them so they could see their daughter and Alexis watched as they continued to sway.

She stood slowly, her little nightgown falling to the floor and swishing by her feet as she walked over to them. "Can you teach me how to dance?" she asked shyly, looking up at them.

Kate smiled and squeezed Rick's neck and hand before stepping back. "Of course. Here, you can have my partner."

She watched as Alexis walked up to her father and held her hands out for him. He smiled and then hoisted her up onto his feet so that he could take her hand in a traditional grip, though his right hand ended up on her upper back, instead of her waist.

"Okay, so we just sort of sway, like this," he instructed, moving his feet slowly to the music. Kate was impressed; Alexis was not light anymore, and Rick didn't even seem to notice the added weight on his feet as he twirled them around.

She followed their progress around the room, listening as Alexis giggled when Rick dislodged her so that he could spin her out and back like he'd done with Kate a few minutes earlier. She flashed forward to the day of their wedding, when she hoped they'd dance just like this, Alexis and Rick to one side as she danced with her own father. She could remember standing on his toes in their living room while her mother laughed, just like Kate did now as Rick hunched over so Alexis could move her arm over his head.

She felt a quiet pang of sadness for that picture of their wedding day—a picture her mother would never enjoy. But then she was broken out of it as Rick swept Alexis up bridal style and spun them around to the sound of her delighted shrieks. She chuckled softly and glanced around, finding Martha's camera sitting on the low table by the window. She snatched it up and managed to snap a few photos of them twirling, and then one of Alexis leaning into her father as he pulled her back up onto his toes.

The excitement had riled her up, but after a few more minutes of gentle swaying, the little girl inside the 'grown up' eight-year-old emerged and Alexis sagged, pillowing her head on Rick's stomach.

"Looks like this dancing princess is ready for bed," Rick laughed, jostling his daughter to keep her from falling asleep standing up. "Time for sleep," he told her as she blinked up at him.

"Okay," Alexis yawned, exhausted from a day of playing with Paige.

Kate followed them upstairs and leaned against the doorjamb as Alexis clambered into bed and Rick covered her up. He bent and they whispered together for a moment, before he kissed her forehead and stood up, flicking off the lights. Kate took that as her cue and walked into the messy room, filled with used toys and discarded outfits—a product of summer. She leaned down and pressed her own kiss to the top of Alexis' head and whispered, "Sweet dreams." The little girl squeezed her hand and then rolled away, snuggling down into her blankets.

Kate stared at her for a minute and then followed her fiancé out of the room, closing the door gently behind her. They stood in the dim hallway together and she smiled as he reached out and cupped her cheek, gliding his thumb across her skin. She leaned into his hand and took a step closer so that she could rest against him, taking pleasure in finally being able to sag against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her and they stood there, breathing together.

"Wanna take a bath?" he asked quietly a few minutes later, his breath a warm rush over her forehead.

She shook her head and pulled back so that she could brush her lips over his, standing on the tips of her toes and trusting him to keep her balance for her. "I had more active things in mind," she whispered against his lips.

She watched his eyes darken and then the kiss wasn't quite so sweet. They shuffled backward and clumsily made their way down the stairs, pausing against the railing to let fingers flit over skin and lips bite and nip at each other. By the time they reached their bedroom, his shirt was open and hers was lying somewhere in the office. His fingers worked to unclasp her brassiere while she pushed his shirt from his shoulders as they hovered in the doorway to the bedroom.

Once they were topless, he hauled her into his chest and fused his mouth to hers again, squeezing her against him. She luxuriated in the feeling of having him wrapped around her as she trailed her fingers across his back.

"I've missed this," he sighed into her ear as he broke away and laved at the skin just below her lobe. "You wrapped around me."

"Me too," she gasped as his fingers worked their way down to find the button on her work slacks. She helped him shimmy her out of them and then moved to return the favor, but found her hands caught up in his. He took a step back so that there were a few inches of space between them, and then he raised her hands to his lips, pressing a kiss to her finger, just below her engagement ring.

"We're getting married," he said softly, meeting her eyes with the most elated, glowing smile.

She grinned and nodded, her words caught in her throat as she stared at him, feeling loved and weightless and happy—happy they were getting married, happy he was healthy, happy she was here, with him, forever. As if sensing her inability to find the meaningful words she wanted, he tugged on her hands and brought her back to his chest, finding her mouth with his. And then there were no words, outside of their sighs of pleasure and those three words they said too much and not enough.

As she fell asleep two hours later, with him pressed flush against her back and his arm wrapped possessively around her stomach, she felt him toying with her ring. She squeezed his hand and drifted off, looking expectantly toward the future and reveling in the fact that the accident and everything it had brought with it was now fully, finally behind them.

(…)

"You are glowing," Madison observed as they sat down at a little café a few blocks over from the Precinct. "I mean _really_ glowing."

Kate just smiled and opened her menu. "I had a nice night."

"I'll say," Maddy giggled. "Should I be getting you coffee or a cigarette?"

Kate glanced up and found her friend smiling at her, looking pleased and a little amused. Did she look _that_ happy? She'd always thought she did a pretty good job of hiding the 'I just got laid,' look. Apparently she didn't. "Coffee will be just fine," Kate said, rolling her eyes. "And is it that obvious?"

Madison sighed. "Kate, you always look happy these days, but honey? Today? You look like someone slapped you with the pregnant stick."

"Shut up," Kate groaned. Anything but that—she wasn't ready to even touch that thought yet.

Madison laughed. "Okay, maybe not the pregnant stick, but you do have a whole lot of sated happiness going on."

Rick would appreciate that phrasing. "Fine, yes, we did," she admitted, trying valiantly not to grin as she said it. But damn, it had been _good_ and far too long a drought beforehand.

"Good?" Maddy asked, before the waiter interrupted them.

They ordered two salads and a plate of fries, along with large iced coffees. Kate was starving, and planned to eat most of the fries, since Maddy usually just had four and proclaimed herself 'full.' She'd woken up early enough to eat a decent breakfast, but had gotten sidetracked. No, sidetracked was too kind; she'd been thoroughly and multiply distracted, and had barely gotten out of the house on time, let alone fed. She wouldn't trade it for anything though.

"So, was it good?" Madison repeated, propping her head up on her hands and looking at Kate expectantly.

"Madison," she groused. She always tried to keep this stuff private, but Maddy had an irritating knack for getting her to talk.

"Oh, come on. If you look like that, I deserve at least minor details."

Kate bit her lip and considered her friend for a moment, before her 24-year-old self got the best of her and she leaned forward. "It was amazing," she said quietly. "And just really, really hot and…I don't know; it was special, I guess."

Madison smiled. "Because it's been such a long time?"

"That, yeah," Kate nodded. "But it was also, you know, the first time since we got engaged and…" she trailed off with a wave of her hand, unable to find a way to explain how meaningful it had been, on top of mind blowing.

She met Maddy's eyes and blushed. "I am so glad you found him, Katie," Madison told her. "He's really, really good for you."

"Yeah," Kate agreed. "He really is."

Their food came a few minutes later and Madison swept her up in stories from work and a few outings with Brad, helping Kate come back from the memories of the previous night and earlier that morning. She was sufficiently distracted by the time they were sharing a piece of cheesecake and found herself brought up short when Madison asked about the Hamptons.

"You guys are still going, right?"

Kate nodded, feeling a little bit of melancholy seep into the overwhelming happy bubble she'd been prancing around in all morning. "I'm going up with them this weekend, and then they're going to stay for a few weeks so Rick can write and Alexis can get some sun."

"And you'll be here?"

Kate sighed. "Yeah." It wasn't that she didn't like her job; she loved her job. She would survive a few weeks without them here at home. But she was so used to having them there to come home to, and it felt like eons ago that she'd come home to an empty apartment. "But it's just for a few weeks," she said, convincing herself just as much as telling Maddy.

"Can you go visit them?" Maddy asked, nudging the last piece of cheesecake toward her in solidarity.

"If I have time," Kate nodded. "But that's…I haven't made any promises."

"Probably for the best."

"Yeah," Kate agreed. "But, you know, what's three weeks, really? Though, Alexis is going away with Paige's family for a week after that, so it'll really be four for her. But then it's school time again, and the wedding and…" she trailed off, biting her lip.

"Busy," Madison murmured.

"Very." Kate ran a hand through her hair. "But Elise says the arrangements are almost done, so it's really just getting ready, I guess."

"You doing okay with that?" Maddy asked softly. "Without…you know."

Kate gave her a sad smile. "Yeah. It sucks but Rick's been great about it and I…I'm trying to make new memories instead of focusing on…it's not the same, but…" she felt like she wasn't making sense.

She missed her mother all the time, but Rick _was_ helping, and Alexis was always around. Then again, they would be gone for three weeks and Kate was oddly worried about that. She hadn't been alone with her thoughts for nearly a year. Even when they weren't dating, she saw them a few times a week. And now, there would be nothing—just phone calls.

"You'll be okay," Maddy assured her, reading the distress on her face. "And we'll be here, and he's just a call away."

Kate nodded, feeling a little foolish. But that darkness and grief had been more present for the past few weeks, and she couldn't work herself into not being frightened of it. She'd worked so hard to push it all away—to heal from it. But she knew that it was there. She glanced at Maddy and shook her head. She was fine; she'd be fine. She was being ridiculous, and it was almost time to go back to work. Three weeks wasn't long at all, and then pretty soon after that, she'd be married. She was getting _married_, to the most wonderful man, and getting an amazing kid out of the deal. That thought helped her leave the doubt behind and she and Maddy giggled their way back out onto the street. Three weeks was nothing when compared to forever.

(…)

"I wish you could stay," Alexis said quietly as they lounged side by side on the deck by the pool, one in a pink bikini with a ruffled skirt, and the other in a black bikini that left enough to the imagination, but not so much that the man swimming in the pool didn't stop periodically to rake his eyes over her prone figure.

"I wish I could too, sweetie," Kate replied, looking over at her. "But I might be able to come back next weekend, and you know, three weeks isn't that long."

"Four," Alexis mumbled. "But…yeah," she sighed and found a smile. "Will you call just like last summer?"

"I'll call every day," Kate promised, reaching out to brush a hair off of the girl's face. "And your Dad will keep you plenty busy."

Alexis laughed. "He's been talking about hiking and kayaking and boogie boarding all the time."

"I know," Kate smiled back. Rick had been ridiculously excited for the weeks at the Hamptons house, largely because he'd been going crazy trapped and cooped up in the city. He'd taken to doing some very random things, like rock climbing at the gym, now that his ribs had healed. The physical therapist encouraged it, and the massages Kate got to give him weren't unpleasant either; neither was what always followed the massages.

"What are you thinking about?" Rick asked, his shadow falling over her as she realized she'd zoned out, thinking about exactly what they'd done in the big bed in the master bedroom the night before.

Alexis had closed her eyes and leaned back on her lounge, tanning with more expertise than she'd shown the summer before. "Nothing," Kate denied, winking at him.

He grinned at her and then sat down at her hip. Kate squeaked as his cold, wet body made contact with hers as he leaned over her to press a few cool kisses to her cheeks.

"Rick," she protested, trying to squirm away. "Alexis, help!" she laughed as he began to tickle her.

Alexis popped and eye open and grinned, watching as her father tickled Kate into a tizzy of laughter. "Mommy, you can take him," Alexis offered.

Well of course she could. Kate scowled over at her daughter. "Not…not without…hur…hurting…him," she managed between gales of laughter. "Rick!"

"I don't see you taking me," he replied easily. Then he was gone and she was left panting on the bench for a moment in which she stupidly forgot herself. When his arms lifted her off of the lounge, she shrieked and glared at Alexis.

"Richard Castle," she threatened while Alexis just laughed. Rick began walking toward the pool. She could fight back, but a little part of her brain reminded her that he was only just recovered, and making them fall onto the concrete edge of the pool could be more devastating that effective. "I swear, if you…"

She gagged around a mouthful of water as he plunged them both into the pool. She managed to squirm away from him and break the surface, spluttering and coughing as she swam over to the edge and hung on. Alexis was laughing above them and Kate looked up at her under the dripping edges of her now-messy hair.

"Careful, or I'll drag you in too," she threatened, unable to keep the scowl on her face as Rick's body melded against her back, his arms coming to rest around hers on the edge of the pool. "And you should be careful," she told him. "I could do serious damage right now."

"You wouldn't want to injure me, Kate," he said as he wound his legs through hers where they floated beneath the water. "Then who would entertain Alexis?"

"You play a dirty game, Richard," she mumbled as Alexis plopped down to sit in front of them.

"You could have gotten away," she told Kate. "You're a cop!"

"I didn't want to hurt your old man," Kate told her, laughing as Rick grumbled behind her. "Your very strong, handsome old man," she amended as Alexis giggled. Rick gave a triumphant "Hah!" and bent his head to kiss her shoulder.

"Come on. I had to have a little fun before we send you off," he said, smiling up at his daughter even as she felt his fingers wind through hers. None of them were happy that she had to leave in a few hours.

"Expect pay back when you guys come home," she said after a moment.

"Something to look forward to," Rick agreed.

His fingers twisted her ring around and she listened as Alexis and Rick discussed their plans for the next day, happily staying put, the daughter above them on the ground and the fiancé wrapped around her body, warm against her back in the cool water of the pool. The sun beamed down on them, casting sparkling patterns across the water and Kate relaxed against him in the water, happy to take the last few hours with her family before heading back to the city alone.

(…)

"Don't be a body," she moaned, rolling over and swiping for her phone on the bedside table. "Don't. Please God, don't be a body," she whimpered, finally closing her fingers around the device and pulling it to her face. "Beckett," she managed.

"Detective, we've got a body on pier 25, next to the mini-golf course," dispatch informed her.

Kate bit back a groan and forced herself to sit up. "Alright. Thank you," she said gruffly.

The line clicked off and she blinked around the room. The clock on the nightstand told her that it was just past five. She shivered as the heavy comforter fell from her shoulders. She'd taken to sleeping with the air conditioning on full blast so she could have the blankets up; it wasn't the same as having Rick wrapped around her, but the added weight helped her sink into the restless sleep she'd been able to find. Of course now, with a fresh body before the sun was fully up, that sleep would have to wait.

Slowly, she climbed out of bed and stretched, trying to ignore her sore muscles and the way she ached as she shuffled into the bathroom and fumbled her way through her morning routine. They'd had back-to-back cases for two weeks. She hadn't been able to make it up to the Hamptons, and the last three phone calls she'd had with Alexis had been interrupted by bodies, or evidence, or interrogation. She'd fallen asleep on Rick twice, and overall, she was cranky and tired.

The bed was large and uninviting without him, and the apartment was silent—so quiet that she'd taken to keeping music on, something she could never remembered doing before she'd lived with them. She was irritated that she didn't seem to be able to live comfortably without them, since she'd lived alone for nearly three years before she'd met them. Then again, they were everywhere—in the clothes in the living room, in the pictures, in the kitchen. It wasn't quite like living alone. Instead it was living without them, and with a week like she'd had, that was harder than expected.

Twenty minutes later she was driving out to the docks, hoping that this was just a weirdly placed pop-and-drop and she'd get off early, able to call her family, take a nice bath, and sleep for fifteen hours. The body she found said otherwise.

"Beth James, 42," Esposito said quietly as Kate stared down the lifeless woman sprawled out on the edge of the dock. She wore a tailored blue suit that was now stained black with blood that pooled out below her prone, splayed body. She was sheet white and her eyes were closed, long brown lashes lying against her pale skin, framed by dark brown hair. It was like looking at a mirror image of her mother, simply in different clothes.

"Cause of death?" she asked around a lump in her throat that was beginning to make even breathing difficult.

"Stabbed," Lanie supplied as they heard car doors slam up by the street. When had Lanie gotten there? Had she been there the entire time?

She was supposed to be looking at the scene, at the grimy dock, at the water below the body, at the mini golf park; she was supposed to be looking for evidence of attack. Instead, she could only stare down at this woman—this woman who looked so much like her mother—who had been stabbed just like her mother.

"You okay, Boss?" Esposito asked, breaking her out of it.

She nodded briefly and then forced herself to look up from the body. She turned as her team arrived and then let them carry her into their hustle. She kept herself on autopilot, answering questions and scanning the scene like it was any other, normal body. On the surface, of both her face and mind, she could keep it together. Whatever was brewing below would have to wait. This was her job.

It waited. It waited while they cleared the scene. It waited while they researched Beth James, a social services worker who had recently helped relocate a family of children, taking them from their drug addicted, abusive parents. It waited while they contacted her only living relative: her daughter.

It waited while Kate comforted the daughter. It roiled against her chest as the young woman, not much younger than Kate had been, cried and screamed and raged. It beat unevenly against her heart as she made a feeble promise to catch the person responsible. It tried to overcome her as Kate fought to keep moving throughout the day. But she was stronger than the desire to breakdown. This wasn't a panic attack or frustration with wedding details. This was her job, and she was damn good at it. And if she told herself that enough, she'd win.

She worked into the night, long after everyone had gone home, searching through photos and names of other social workers, other cases, other anything—something, anything, the tiniest reason, the tiniest piece of sense to make everything come together. She found nothing. She had nothing. There was a young woman counting on her to find her mother's killer, and she couldn't let her down. She couldn't crush her like that, and leave her to a lifetime of wondering. She couldn't leave her to a life of regrets and memories and holes that ate at her. She couldn't do that. She couldn't subject another person to that.

(…)

"Kate," Rick sighed, his voice tight and controlled.

She rubbed a hand over her forehead and clenched a fist around her pen. She wanted to be at the Precinct, but Montgomery had sent her home and told her she couldn't come back for three days. But she had a case to solve. She had to solve it. It had been a week of nothing. Jacobs had called it 'cold.' But it wasn't. It wasn't cold; it was close to warm. She knew it. If she could just find that little sliver sitting beyond her reach, she could do this. She _could_.

She fidgeted and papers rustled over the desk, unsettled by her movement. She could barely see his desk anymore, and bit her lip, waiting. "Are you still working?" Rick asked. The detective skills that should have heard the warning in his voice didn't sound. She was well and truly lost to everything but the papers around her. "You said you'd call."

"I…" Shit. What time was it? She glanced at the clock and slammed a hand down on the desk. It was ten already? Damnit. She'd missed Alexis' bedtime again. "I'm sorry," she mumbled.

"No," Rick replied. That caught her. "No. Sorry doesn't cut it," he intoned, his voice low and dangerous, with a quality she barely even recognized. "I've got a little kid wondering why Mommy hasn't called, and you know, I'm starting to wonder the same thing. That same woman was supposed to be here yesterday, and bailed, again."

"I have a case," Kate argued. "I have to solve this, Rick. I'm sorry I can't be there. I am. But I have to do this."

"You haven't called in days, and the one time you did, you left Alexis hanging mid-word," he continued. Something tingled beyond her senses. Somewhere in her mind, she could remember that conversation, and a feeling of guilt for ending it. But that had been buried, just like everything else had for a solid week, when she'd missed the last weekend, when she'd missed phone calls, when she'd forgotten to open pictures in her email. "I'm…"

"Don't say you're sorry," he growled. "Say you'll be in the Hamptons tomorrow."

"I can't," she protested, looking around the office. The murder board she'd set up over the windows stared back at her, taunting her. That picture of her mo—that picture of the woman begged her for closure, for help, for the blessing to move onward in life. "I have to…"

"Solve this," he finished for her. She blinked. That sound had come from close by.

She looked up and found herself staring at Rick. When had he come in? How hadn't she heard the door? What the hell? "Why…why are you here? I…" she stammered staring up at him. He clicked his phone off and pocketed it before taking off his jacket and throwing it onto one of the leather chairs, upsetting a stack of papers. They cascaded to the floor and Kate watched, her own phone still plastered to her ear.

"So when you said you had to work," Rick began, his face devoid of the smile she'd remembered, and the glint in his eye menacing instead of playful. "You meant here. Because, you know, funny thing—I got a call from Roy earlier." Shit. "And he said he'd given you the weekend off. Said you'd been working two cases and needed the breather. He did the same for Hall too, since his family's on vacation, and he figured the two of you might like to spend some time with your families."

"I…"

"But here you are, home, working." He glanced into the bedroom, seeing the bed she hadn't touched in two days. "Have you even slept at all? Or eaten? Damnit, Kate."

She didn't know what to make of him. Roy had called him? The last time Roy had called someone about her had been…had been Royce. The tingling became stronger and thoughts began to break through. She'd hung up on Alexis. She'd canceled on Rick. She'd made excuse after excuse to chase after something she hadn't found, assuring herself that the answer was just one more step around the corner.

"I get that you're a cop," Rick said, breaking her out of the rushing thoughts that were starting to pour in, crowding her senses. "I get that. I love that about you."

"I…"

"You let Alexis down," he said clearly. And didn't that just stab her in the gut a little. "You hurt her. You promised to call, and you didn't. You promised to come up, and you didn't."

The stab twisted and Kate took a shaking breath, standing up so that she could face him. "I didn't mean to," she defended. And now, like everything else, even her defenses sounded feeble and flimsy. She knew this scene. She remembered this. She'd done this with Royce, in her old living room, with papers tossed everywhere just like this. They'd yelled about this and he'd walked out, and she'd collapsed. And she knew the look Rick was giving her, because Royce had given her the same one, only Rick's was worse. Because behind his own anger, was his paternal fury, and she'd done that. She'd caused that.

"After all the work we did to put her back together—work _you_ did—you finish it off by abandoning her."

"I didn't abando…"

"What do you call it then? Because I have to go back to the Hamptons, bring her home, and put her in a car tomorrow to go with Paige's family, and she hasn't even _seen_ you in three weeks," he snarled. "I really thought you were going to give this everything you had."

That was unfair. She'd screwed up. She'd stepped in it and hurt her kid, but that was completely unfair. "I…"

He just wouldn't let her talk. "No!" he ran agitated hands through his already messy hair. "No, you didn't, Kate. You've been here, too trapped in this murder to pay any attention to her. And she's cried, and wondered, and yelled, and you haven't been there."

"She yelled," Kate whispered to herself, staring at him. "I…"

"We're getting married in a month," he snarled. "And this is when you choose to step away? Why would you let us get this close, Kate?"

"What?" No. No, this wasn't happening.

"Why would you build her up just to break everything? Why would you do that to her? Why would you do that to me?" he was pacing now, stepping on pages of notebook paper she'd scrawled through and torn out. "How could you do this now?"

"I…I had to solve a case," she said plaintively. "I was doing my job." Fear mixed with guilt mixed with panic; she'd messed up, but she could barely remember doing it. The proof was all around her, in the obsession she'd caved to and cleaved to, and hidden inside, leaving her family behind. "You knew…knew this could happen," she petered off.

But it didn't happen to normal cops. And it didn't happen to normal people. "Not like this," Rick bit out. "You're not supposed to just fall off the face of the earth when you have a family."

"I…I'm sorry," she whispered. How did you fix this? With Royce, she'd just gone to therapy, and he'd said 'okay.' But she didn't need therapy this time. She'd let herself do this. She could pinpoint that moment on the docks when she'd chosen to hide instead of admit to it, or do the responsible thing and switch off with another detective. She'd wanted this. She thought maybe if she could fix it for Samantha, somehow, getting married wouldn't hurt so much. Somehow, she'd have fixed herself. But she hadn't. Instead she'd broken something and now she didn't have the glue or tape to put it back together. "I'm sorry," she repeated, louder.

The look he sent her told her it didn't matter. "We'll be back tomorrow and then Alexis goes to the Grand Canyon with Paige's family."

"I know," Kate said quietly.

"Oh, you remember?" he exclaimed with false enthusiasm. "Great! That'll help when you see Alexis for the first time in almost a month."

"Rick," she murmured.

"I don't want to hear it," he said heavily. "I don't care that you've barely talked to me in two weeks. I get it. You're working." It hardly sounded like he didn't care. Her bed was cold without him, and his without her, and this was all her fault. "But you can't just not call my kid."

My. _My_ kid. Kate slumped against the lip of the bureau behind her, feeling the keys of his typewriter against her back. She brought a hand up to swipe at the lone tear that had fallen. She was breaking. Three weeks later, she was breaking. But what did it matter if she'd already broken everything else? "I'm sorry," she whispered again.

He took a moment to look at her, and for a second, she thought she saw the man that had cradled her when she'd broken down about her mother all those weeks ago. She didn't know angry Richard Castle. But he didn't know about her victim, or the case; she hadn't told him. And another layer formed in the complex mess she'd created for herself, because she'd hidden everything, from everyone. Maddy and Lanie had called her. Esposito had asked after her. But she'd pushed everyone away. And maybe if she'd just called him that first night and cried…but she hadn't.

"I have to go," he said. She gazed at him. His tone was sad now, instead of angry. She wanted to go to him and hug him and weep against his neck, with as many apologies as she could possibly say, but she couldn't move. "We'll be here tomorrow."

For what? For a goodbye to Alexis? For a goodbye forever? She shifted the ring on her finger almost without thought and watched as his eyes flitted to it, sparkling in the low light from the desk lamp—the only light in the cluttered room. "Rick, I…"

He held up a hand. "You better have a damn good reason to give her tomorrow," he sighed, shifting on his feet.

She swallowed. She would. She'd have to. She had to fix this, if she could. God, she hoped she could. She just had to. "Will…will you be staying, tomorrow?" she asked quietly, needing to know. They were supposed to get married in a month. Oh, hell, how had she forgotten about everything?

He met her eyes and she felt her heart clench. "I don't know," he replied. Another tear trailed down her cheek and she didn't even bother to wipe it away. "I'll see you tomorrow."

He turned to leave and she watched as he walked away. Walking away—he was walking away from her. God, no. Her feet unglued and then she hurtled after him, skidding to a halt just as he reached for the door. He turned and they stared at each other, separated by mere feet, for the first time in a month.

"I didn't mean to," she said, the thought tumbling from her lips before she could stop it. Could she offer him something less meaningful? Probably not. When his jaw tightened she knew she'd made a mistake—another mistake. "I never told you about those years," she said. A raised eyebrow was his only reaction. "I never explained about…" she sighed. She couldn't make sense of it now.

"I need to be back so I can sleep enough to drive back here," he told her, his voice toneless and emotionless.

She nodded. She couldn't do this tonight, not when her mouth was running away. "I need to talk to you, but I can't tonight," she said, wincing as the final words fell. Shit. She needed to do better than that. What could she say? She needed…

"Yeah, I'm used to that," he bit out. Then he left. The slam of the door was bombastic against the silence of the apartment, and she stared at it, horrified.

It took her four minutes to break. It was enough time to walk to the door of the office, stare at the disaster of papers she'd amassed, and spot his jacket on the chair. And then she collapsed, sinking to the floor with her back to the doorjamb, legs pulled up to her chest and face buried in her palms.

Great heaving sobs wracked her body and she let her thoughts scatter like the papers on the rug beside her. She'd let herself fall back—taken an opportunity for misplaced justice and ran with it like a child with scissors. She'd forgotten everything, from feeding herself to sleep, and given this one single thing everything she had. Everyone around her had walked on eggshells, now that she remembered. She could remember their stares and offers of help, and she could watch herself pushing them all away, sinking down into the comfortable blackness of obsession and need.

And now she could remember every call, every email, every text she didn't answer. She could remember telling Rick she was working, and hanging up on Alexis. She could remember the broken quality of her daughter's voice. Was she still her daughter? That thought brought on a fit of sobs so strong that she felt like she would choke before she took in any air. She couldn't lose Alexis. She couldn't let that happen.

And Rick—Rick wasn't sure he'd stay. How had she ruined everything? How had she let this happen? And how the hell was she supposed to fix it?

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: The dancing scene is for Sacha.<strong>

**Was this hard to read? It was hard to write. But it's something I've been planning for a long time. I'm very interested to know what you think, because I know the last portion of the chapter is darker than anything before it has been. But that is part of life; there darkness to every light. **

**Rick seems aggressive and angry, and I promise to explain that next chapter. We don't get to see his side, because we follow Kate, and so I feel like his reaction may seem off. It won't forever. There was a temptation to keep them conflict free from here out, but I felt that this is actually an argument they need to have, especially before committing for life.**

**I hope you enjoyed it. Let me know what you think, because I found this challenging.**

**Emma**


	39. Chapter 39

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: Man, I wish I was Andrew Marlowe. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 39:<strong>

Her sobs lasted for a good 45 minutes, cycling through grief, anger, self-pity, self-disgust, worry, fear, and heartbreak. She knew there was no point in chasing him back to the Hamptons. She couldn't sort out her thoughts enough to make any sense, and by the time she got there, he'd have to sleep, so he'd be safe to drive Alexis home tomorrow. And there was no way she wanted to have this conversation—fight?—with him with their, his, her…with Alexis in the house.

Eventually, she managed to haul herself up off the floor and she stumbled through the office to lean against the desk. The floor was scattered with papers. The chairs were piled with note cards and files. She could barely see the surface of the desk, and she'd taped so many pages up to the windows that she couldn't even see the streetlights shining through.

It was like looking back on her living room three years ago. Back then, she'd sat on the floor and stayed against her couch for days, sorting through papers, crazed, forgetting to eat, forgetting to sleep. Yes, the woman in the photo hanging on the loft windows wasn't her mother, but the ensuing obsessive hunt was the same. When _was_ the last time she'd eaten? That morning? Maybe. God, what had she done?

Her therapist told her in the beginning that she needed to be careful. It was like being an alcoholic—a comparison she hadn't been fond of then either—and she had to recognize when she was tempted or about to fall off the wagon. But this time, she hadn't even noticed the temptation. It was just another case, like the hundred or so she'd worked on before. But this was the first with a victim just like her mother, stabbed like her mother, laid out like her mother, and she'd been caught off guard. And now, staring around at the office, which looked like a war zone of police paraphernalia, she could have slapped herself.

As it was, she pounded a fist against the desk and then took off in a frenzy of cleaning and organizing, channeling all of the devastation she felt into the task, trading one obsession for another—a healthier one. She stopped the tears, though she didn't know that she hand any more to weep. When the office was clean, she moved in a trance to the kitchen, cleaning that too, until she'd made her way through every room on the first floor.

It didn't help. She'd abandoned Alexis—_abandoned_ her. Had she? Could she fix it? How could she fix that? Kate stopped in front of the mantle in the living room, staring at a photo she'd put behind the others, pictures of Alexis and Rick and the three of them, all over Manhattan, all over the loft. But there, behind a photo of Rick picking her up and throwing her, shrieking, over his shoulder, was a picture of her parents on their wedding day. Her father had his arms wrapped around her mother's stomach, and they were staring at each other, laughing, instead of looking at the photographer. God, her mother, there in her wedding dress—Kate's heart clenched and she put the picture back, looking between it and the photo of herself and her fiancé. She hoped he was still her fiancé.

Kate took a deep breath and stared up at her mother's laughing face. She would have killed her for this, for forgetting her family in lieu of chasing after a misplaced need for closure; it wasn't even _her_ closure either.

Had she ever explained it to Rick? Had she ever told him about how Royce had dragged her to bed, forced her to sleep, fed her, pushed her to shower and live like a normal person? Had she told him about her collapse and Montgomery's edict? Had she ever talked about it? She looked at her mother. She hadn't. It had been too painful and too deeply hidden away by the therapy and desire to block it all out. But now? Now, she wished she'd taken one night to weep and tell him everything, because if she had…

Kate turned away from the photo and stared at the kitchen, clean and tidy and lacking any signs of her breakdown; that's what it had been, a breakdown. Okay. She could do this. She could fix this. She had to.

She had never told Alexis anything about her mother—nothing concrete anyway. And maybe that was what she needed to do. Maybe she needed to just open up to both of them, no holds bar, no hiding, no omissions: everything. Her chest tightened at the thought but she pushed the panic away. Now was not the time to let her hang-ups get in the way of fixing what was already a huge mistake.

She'd tell Alexis about her mother. She could…she could take her to Johanna's grave and sit with her and apologize until her voice went hoarse, and explain…Alexis had told her once that if she messed up, she need only apologize, because Alexis loved her. She hoped a sliver of that statement still held true. She didn't want instant forgiveness, but she needed acceptance. She'd messed up. She could woman up and admit that. She would. And she would get down on her knees and plead with both of them if she had to. Because looking around at the too-clean loft drove it home; she didn't want to live without them, because alone, she wouldn't survive this again. She had to be strong enough to keep herself up and out of the hole, but it would be far easier with them there, and what was an empty life worth without her family?

(…)

She didn't sleep in their room. She stood in front of the bed for a long time before grabbing the throw and walking slowly up to the guest room. The mattress was hard and the pillows too soft, but it would have to suffice. She couldn't sleep in his bed, _their_ bed when he wasn't sure about staying the next day. She just couldn't.

And so she tossed and turned, lying awake for hours before fitful bursts of sleep held her under, waking her with nightmares before pulling her back down. All the while, she repeated his words in her mind and wondered, and feared, and hoped, and worried. By the time morning rolled through, she was more exhausted than she'd been before sleeping, but she got up anyway. She showered and blew her hair dry, throwing on a tee shirt and jeans before rummaging around in one of the boxes in their closet. There, at the back, buried under her other things, was the box with the pictures and letters and memories of her mother.

She reached inside without looking and felt until her fingers closed around the soft leather cover of her photo album. She didn't have the strength to see anything else today, if she even had the strength to look at the pictures. But Alexis deserved to know her…Kate's mother. Perhaps that was what hurt the most—forcing herself to stop using familial titles for Alexis. It cut through her heart, to think that she might not be able to call Alexis her daughter by the end of the afternoon.

She was broken from the thought as she heard the lock click in the main room. She stood, placing the album inside her purse with trembling fingers, and walked slowly into the foyer as they came in. She watched as Rick took Alexis' suitcase from her and gave Kate a brief glance before making his way upstairs. She couldn't get a read off of him, but she was much more concerned with the little girl standing in their entryway, hands twisting together as she looked up at Kate.

"Hi, Alexis," Kate offered softly.

Alexis looked at her. "Hi," she said back, her voice small.

Kate took a deep breath, and let it out, steeling herself for the apology she had to make, because it would be rough on both of them. She adjusted her purse on her shoulder and then took a step toward Alexis, who just stared at her. "I want to say first that I am really, really sorry."

"For what?" Alexis asked, with so much stoicism that it nearly cleaved Kate's heart in two.

She sank down to the floor to sit on her knees, so she looked up at the girl, instead of the other way around. Whether or not it was also a subliminal gesture of apology didn't matter.

"I am sorry for not calling, and for not coming out last weekend, and for hanging up on you. I am so very, very sorry," she said quietly. Alexis blinked at her and bit her lip. "And I want to say, before anything else, that I love you very much, and that it was wrong of me not to call." Be direct, and blunt, and lay it out, because she needed to be open with Alexis, and with Rick. But Alexis mattered right now.

"You promised," Alexis said, her voice very quiet.

"I did."

"You didn't call," Alexis continued, and Kate could see the flash of anger and hurt there behind her big blue eyes.

"I didn't," Kate agreed. She wished she'd yell and scream, because that was easier to take than the quiet resignation. But Alexis knew this story by heart, or thought she did. And she was like this with Meredith—calm, collected and accepting, because that's all she'd ever known.

Alexis huffed out a breath. "But you said you're sorry."

And there was the logic Kate both hoped for and wanted to avoid. "Being sorry doesn't make it okay, Alexis," she told her. Alexis narrowed her eyes and Kate was tempted to smile, because she hadn't seen that shrewd look for three weeks, and she'd missed it. "You can still be angry even if I've apologized."

Alexis shifted, uncomfortable with the idea. Kate could see that she was angry, but she could also see the child, taught to accept apologies when they were given. "But…but I…"

Kate tentatively raised a hand to stall the two Alexis was twisting. "I know you're leaving with Paige this afternoon, but would you mind coming out with me for a little while? I have something I need to show you, and I think it'll help make this make more sense."

Alexis thought for a second before nodding. "Okay," she whispered.

"Okay," Kate repeated, standing slowly, ignoring her cramped muscles. She needed to eat more, and sleep for about a week, and fix all of this. She took a breath and then turned toward the stairs. "Rick," she called. It took him about thirty seconds before he was standing there at the top of the stairs. He looked as exhausted and worn as she felt. "I want to show Alexis something. We'd be back before she goes with Paige."

He stared at her and she felt Alexis shifting at her side. She realized that it sounded like more of a question than a statement, but he'd called Alexis _his_ the previous night, and until…she just didn't want to add to the fire, or think about it much more.

"Sure," he said, his voice easy, though she could see the worry on his face. "Will both of you be okay?"

Kate nodded and looked down to see Alexis nodding as well. "We'll be back," Kate said with as much of a smile as she could muster, before she followed Alexis out into the hall. She closed and locked the door and then looked down at her…at Alexis.

"Where are we going?" Alexis asked as Kate gently touched her back to lead her down the hall.

The girl didn't pull away from her touch, and Kate took that as a good sign. "We're going to visit someone special to me, if that's all right," Kate said while Alexis pushed the button for the elevator.

"Okay," she said softly, stepping inside as the doors opened.

The rest of their walk to the street was quiet, and Kate hailed a cab, wanting this journey to be all about them. She loved Rick very much, and the town car was great, but this wasn't a trip for a black car—not today. They got inside the normal, inconspicuous yellow cab and Kate leaned forward.

"New Montefiore Cemetery, please," she said quietly.

The cabbie nodded and pulled off from the curb as she sat back. Alexis was staring at her. "Who's at the cemetery?" she asked.

Kate gave her a soft smile. "I thought maybe you'd like to meet my Mom?"

Alexis' eyes grew wide and she hesitated a second before finding Kate's hand with hers. "Really?"

Kate nodded and gave her smaller fingers a squeeze. "I think it's about time."

Alexis just stared at her for a long moment before she sighed and leaned into her arm. Kate's heart soared at the easy contact and she hesitantly raised her arm, allowing the girl to snuggle into her side. They spent the rest of the ride in silence, Alexis' small fingers twined with hers as her body rose and fell against Kate's chest. Maybe she hadn't completely ruined everything. Maybe Alexis would still forgive her—really forgive her. She'd seen her do this with Meredith before, and hoped that with her honesty and more apology, she could break through and find the little girl again, instead of the forgiving daughter who didn't know anything but broken promises.

The cab came to stop at the edge of the cemetery and Kate paid the fare before stepping out and helping Alexis down. The girl shut the door and then mounted the curb to stand beside Kate as they stared at the gates to the cemetery together, one dressed in a floral green sundress, and the other in a pair of jeans and a white shirt, utterly unremarkable against the backdrop of the city.

"Ready?" Kate asked Alexis, after she'd asked herself the same question.

"Okay," Alexis mumbled, taking Kate's hand and allowing her to lead them through the gates.

Alexis' grip was firm and Kate walked slowly, at the girl's pace, aware that this was just as difficult for her as it was for Kate. She just wanted to hug her and erase the past three weeks, but she couldn't. She'd dug this hole, fallen in, and now had to climb out, simply hoping that there were people on the outside to meet when she finally managed it.

They reached the large oak tree and Kate pulled them to a stop in front of the plain grave. She couldn't remember the last time it had been sunny when she'd been here. But it was today, and the sun glinted off of the buffed surface of the marker that was all they had left of her mother. Kate looked at Alexis and then plopped down to the ground to sit cross-legged in front of the grave. Alexis bit her lip and looked between the headstone and Kate for a moment before she tentatively sat down next to her.

Kate took a deep breath. She could do this. Alexis deserved this, and she owed her so much more; but this was all she had, and she'd do the best she could. "Do you remember that I told you my Mom was gone?" Alexis nodded and Kate watched as her eyes flitted to the gravestone. "I never told you what happened, did I?"

"No," Alexis said very quietly.

"My mother was murdered," Kate told her, her voice steady for perhaps the first time she could remember when telling this story. "She was killed in an alley and the people responsible were never caught." Alexis stared at her with wide eyes. "And I didn't know what to do after it happened."

Alexis opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it, seemingly lost for words. Kate reached out and ran a hand through her long red hair. "And for a long time, I didn't talk to many people. I read, and studied, and helped my Dad, but I wasn't living."

"And you became a police officer," Alexis added, meeting her eyes.

Kate nodded. "I did."

"Because you wanted to help other people like you?"

The innocence in the question was staggering, and Kate almost lost her resolve to tell this whole story to the little girl who had really finally pulled her out of the hole. "Yes," she agreed. "But also because I wanted to solve my mother's case."

"Oh. Did you?" Alexis asked after a pause.

"No," Kate said evenly. "No, I didn't. And when I was trying, I was a lot like I was this past month."

Alexis considered her. "You mean you didn't call people, or come visit and stuff?" she asked, her voice small.

Kate nodded and bit her own lip. "It was worse at that point, because I didn't have you," she admitted, watching the girl's eyes go wide. "I didn't eat, and I barely slept, because all I could think about was solving the case."

"But…" Alexis stopped, confused, and Kate didn't blame her.

"And this time, while I wasn't solving my Mom's case, I was solving one like it, and I started to do the same thing. I stopped calling, and got distracted."

"Because you…you needed to solve it. Because it was important," the girl offered.

No, Kate knew what 'important,' meant to Alexis. "Alexis," she said softly, waiting until the girl raised her head again. "Nothing. _Nothing_ is more important than you."

Alexis stared at her. "But…but you didn't call. You promised, and you didn't call, or come visit, and you hung up on me!" she exclaimed, and finally, Kate saw some of that anger.

"I know," she agreed. "I know, and I am so very, very sorry, because I didn't realize I was doing it, and that makes it worse. But you have…" she paused. "You don't have to believe me, and I wouldn't blame you if you didn't," she continued softly, sadly, because she'd broken a trust she'd never wanted to hurt. "But I never meant to ignore you, honey. I got…sometimes adults are stupid, and we can be blinded just like kids can."

"I…"

"You know when you're reading and we call you for dinner, and you don't come, because you don't hear us?" Kate asked, finding a light ahead that she could work toward, because this one might make enough sense.

"Yeah?" Alexis replied, baffled.

"That's kind of what this was like for me, only it wasn't a book, and I was missing out on you, instead of dinner. And I'm really sorry," she added, trying to push all of the feeling into those inadequate words.

"When that happens," Alexis began slowly. "I don't know…I don't know that I'm doing it. Did…did you know?"

Kate shook her head. "I had no idea. I didn't realize, because I was so distracted, and I just wanted to solve this case more than anything at that moment. But Alexis?" she waited until the girl met her eyes again, pulling them back from the gravestone in front of them. "Nothing in my life is more important than you. I know that the past few weeks don't show that, but I want you to know that never, for even a second, did I think that what I was doing deserved more attention than you. I messed up. I really, really messed up, and I know that."

"So you're saying that you didn't mean to, and you're not…you're not like Mommy," Alexis whispered. Kate watched her face as the little girl geared up to say whatever it was she needed to voice. "Mommy never apologizes," she said, looking back up at Kate. "She never says she's sorry. But you did."

"Yes, I did," Kate smiled. Kate wished that made her feel better; but she didn't feel all that much above Meredith at this moment, and that twisted just as much as the look in Alexis' eyes. "But like I said, you can still be angry, Alexis. Just because I admitted to being wrong doesn't mean that everything just goes away."

"But you said you're sorry," Alexis continued. "And you're crying, so you must really mean it."

Was she? "I am?" she whispered, reaching up to wipe at a tear that had trailed down her cheek. "Huh, yeah, I guess so."

Alexis stayed still for a moment, before she moved and crawled over to settle in Kate's lap. Kate let out a surprised breath and went stiff for a second, before wrapping her arms around the girl and cradling her back against her chest. "I love you so much, Alexis," she whispered into the girl's hair as her smaller hands found Kate's on her stomach. "And I am so very sorry."

"It's okay," Alexis said quietly.

"No, it's not," Kate intoned. "But I hope someday it will be. And I want to promise you that I'll never do it again, but I feel like I don't have the right to promise you things right now."

Alexis leaned back against her and Kate settled further into the soft, green grass as they stared at her mother's headstone together. "If…if you ever forget again, do you promise to say you're sorry?" Alexis asked a minute later, as Kate marveled at the fact that this little girl, who could hate her, was instead sitting in her lap, trusting her to hold her up.

"Of course," Kate said instantly. "Alexis, if I ever do anything to hurt you I will apologize. And I will never hurt you intentionally. I know that I hurt you these past weeks, but I never, ever meant to, and if I'd realized what I was doing sooner, I would have stopped."

"Okay," Alexis sighed, leaning into her. They were quiet for a few minutes, sitting on the ground in a cemetery together. Kate wanted to make it better instantly, but she couldn't. She'd have to build that trust back up. She couldn't believe she'd done this. On some level, she could, because she'd done it before, but she'd really thought that having a family would stop it from happening again.

The only thing that would stop that little dark spot on her heart was time. She just needed time, and she needed to remember to ask for help. If she'd just told Rick that first night, mentioned it, instead of muttering something about a case and begging out of their phone call, maybe it would have been different. But she'd made that choice, whether or not it was fully conscious on her part, and now here they were, broken.

"I'm sorry your Mommy's not here," Alexis said, breaking Kate out of her thoughts.

"Oh, Alexis, I am too," Kate whispered into her hair.

"I wish I could have met her," the girl continued.

"She would have loved you," Kate smiled, hugging the girl close. "Maybe even more than my Dad, and that's really tough, because he loves you more than anything."

Alexis giggled and turned her head to find Kate's eyes. "What did she look like?"

Kate smiled and relinquished an arm to root around in her purse until she found the album. She gently laid the large, leather-bound book on Alexis' lap and opened to the first picture. Both of them sucked in a breath, because, there, sitting just like they were, were Kate and Johanna. Kate was settled in her lap and they sat on the ground in central park, smiling at the camera, Johanna's arms wrapped around Kate's stomach.

"She looks like you," Alexis breathed. "And…and…"

"And my Mom and I look like us," Kate completed the thought, bending down to kiss the top of Alexis' head as a tear slipped down her cheek.

Alexis traced the line of Johanna's face with her finger. "I don't know what I'd do if you went away forever," she whispered.

"Oh, honey," Kate sighed, staring down at the picture with her. "I'm not going anywhere any time soon, and I'm so sorry if this last month made you think I might be."

Alexis shook her head. "I knew that you…you wouldn't leave but…"

"But knowing and having proof are different things," Kate finished for her. Oh, and didn't that just parallel with her own life a little too much? "I'm here now, and I'm not going to leave you, and I will try to prove that you can count on me again, if you'll let me."

Alexis twisted so she could look up at her, now seated sideways on her lap as she clutched at the album with one hand. "I love you, Momma," Alexis said quietly. "Please stay."

Kate nodded, the words stuck in her throat as she leaned down to kiss her daughter's forehead. She wanted to curb that mental statement—to tell herself that Rick had claimed possession the previous night, and the custody papers hadn't yet been filed. But she couldn't stop the swell of hope, because Alexis had just called her Momma.

"I promise you that, Alexis," Kate murmured. "I will do everything I can to be the mother you deserve. You might need to be patient with me sometimes, but I will do whatever it takes to be your Mom."

Alexis gave her a small smile and then turned on her lap so that they stared at the headstone again. "Can…can I…" she trailed off.

Kate smiled and held her tight. "Mom, this is my daughter, Alexis," she said quietly. "And Alexis, this is my Mommy, Johanna Beckett."

"Hi," Alexis whispered. "I…I wish you could be here so I could meet you and so that Momma wasn't so sad."

Kate began to sway side to side at the broken quality in Alexis' voice. "I am sad, honey. But you have to know that you make me very happy too."

Alexis nodded slowly and Kate felt her fingers twine with hers on the girl's stomach, the photo album slipping to the grass beside them. "Do you think she can hear us?"

Kate smiled sadly. "I like to think she can. And I like to think she's watching from somewhere, and laughing and smiling, and kicking my butt for being so stupid."

Alexis laughed and the sound was like music to Kate's wounded heart. "I hope so too," the little girl giggled. "That was she can see all the silly things Daddy does and…"

"And what, munchkin?" Kate smiled against her hair.

"And she can still get to watch you and me and just…I really missed you and we were only gone for three weeks," she murmured. "And you must miss her so much."

"I do," Kate whispered. "I really do. But she's somewhere, watching, and I have you, Alexis, and you make it much, much better. The place I went these past weeks? Where I didn't talk to anyone, and didn't notice things around me? You were why I came out, you know."

"I was?"

Kate didn't need to tell her that Rick had come and yelled about all of it, because it didn't seem like she knew. She'd already suffered through one set of parents who fought about her; Kate didn't want to add to her own mistakes that way and hurt Alexis like that. "It was knowing that I had you to come out of it for that made me stop and realize what I'd done."

"Oh," Alexis mumbled.

"And that doesn't mean that it was okay for me to do it, just because, at some point, I realized I was making a mistake. But you've been the light in my life for almost two years, little girl, and I want to stay out here in the sun."

"I want that too," Alexis agreed.

Kate smiled and hugged the girl closer, glancing down at her thin watch. She gave a small sigh. "We've gotta get home so you can be ready to leave with Paige," she told her.

Alexis sighed as well. "I…" she shifted on Kate's lap until they were looking into each other's eyes. "Do you _promise_ to be here and spend time with me when I come back?"

Yes, she'd mended that tear to their trust, but it was still there beneath the bandage. "I do, Alexis. I promise you, I will be here, and we will do all sorts of fun summer things before you go back to school." If it meant she had to use all of her personal days, she'd do it; she had to build their relationship back up.

Alexis nodded and leaned in to wrap her arms around Kate's neck. Kate hugged her back, rubbing a hand up and down the girl's back as she pressed a stream of kisses onto the top of her head. "I love you, Alexis," she said around the lump in her throat.

"Love you too, Momma," Alexis said against her neck.

God, she hoped her conversation with Rick would end this well. She couldn't let herself worry about that now, not with Alexis there. And so slowly they stood and made their way back out of the cemetery, Alexis' small hand warm in hers. Kate glanced back at her mother's grave, the album safely tucked into her purse. She'd have to come visit again sometime soon and tell her mother all about the wedding, if there was still a…no. Focus on Alexis and worry about her disaster of a relationship once she was safely on the way with Paige's family.

Kate spent the ride distracting herself by listening intently to Alexis' run-down of the last three weeks, and the various adventures she and her child of a father had gotten up to, from swimming to kayaking to hiking and getting themselves lost and calling a park ranger for help. Kate listened with interest and no small amount of regret; she could have been part of those things, if only as an ear across the phone line. But Alexis was cheerful enough beside her and smiled and laughed, and Kate let that fill her up, because what else could she do? She'd made her amends, and now she just had to prove that Alexis really could trust her, with more than just the fun things; Kate could show her that she was responsible and reliable. God, she'd done that already, and she'd torn through that trust.

Before she knew it, they were in the elevator on their way back up to the loft, Alexis bouncing beside her, now thoroughly excited that she was leaving for Arizona in less than an hour. Kate unlocked the door and Alexis flipped around to give her a brief hug before she tore away up the stairs to finish packing, which merely consisted of getting her hiking boots and a sleeping bag, since everything else was still in a suitcase from the Hamptons.

Kate gave a small sigh and put her keys in the dish on the hall table, staring around. The loft didn't look different, but it felt it. The air seemed thicker and heavy, and the silence she'd been surrounded by for three weeks was louder and fuller; or maybe she was projecting it all onto the space, because she herself was heavy with anxiety and fear for the relationship that meant everything to her.

She wandered into the kitchen and put her purse on the counter before opening the cabinet and taking down a glass. She filled it from the sink, foregoing the Britta filter and stood there, leaning against the edge of the hard granite counter, looking out at the living room.

"Hey."

She turned and found him standing at the edge of the kitchen island, hands in his pockets. He'd changed into new jeans and taken a shower. He looked a little better, and just as handsome as ever, but the light frown he wore was far from the smile she'd fallen in love with, and her gut twisted just a little more. "Hi," she said quietly.

"You didn't sleep in our room," he offered, surprising her. His voice was soft and gentle, and she really didn't know what to make of it.

"I…I wasn't sure I should," she replied with a small shrug. "And after…" she trailed off and shook her head lightly. "I didn't want to, not after that."

He nodded slowly and opened his mouth just as Alexis clambered down the stairs, her suitcase banging along behind her. Kate gave a small laugh and rushed over to take it from her, sliding it through the open space below the banister so the little traveler didn't end up catapulting herself down the stairs and getting hurt before leaving on her trip.

Kate put the suitcase by the door and then walked back into the kitchen where Alexis was telling Rick all about where they'd gone that morning. She'd climbed up onto one of the stools and Rick was bent over, arms crossed on the counter, listening as she explained about the tree and the graveyard and how Kate looked so much like her mother.

Kate leaned against the opposite end of the island and listened, feeling warm and cold at once. She hoped she could put everything back together. Rick listened intently and she watched Alexis' animated movements until he looked up and found her eyes. Something was there that hadn't been the night before. Alexis mentioned how Kate had told her about Johanna's murder and Rick's eyes sparked for a second with comprehension. The look he gave her then was half regret and half accusation and she simply sagged against the wooden counter of the island.

After a few minutes, Alexis reverted to her excitement over the trip and they took turns quizzing her on facts about the Grand Canyon, in a small moment of camaraderie that punched at the knife twisting in her stomach; this was what she'd almost given up—what she hoped she hadn't already ruined.

Paige and her father knocked on the door some fifteen minutes later, and Alexis grinned and hopped off the stool, running across the apartment to fling the door open and tackle her best friend. Kate and Rick followed her to the door and chatted with Evan until the girls had calmed down a bit. Then Alexis turned to look up at them. She bit her lip and then reached out for Rick, who gave her a fierce hug, whispered in her ear, and kissed her head before stepping back. Alexis turned to Kate, whose heart was in her throat, thumping heavily, and then the girl smiled and opened her arms.

Kate hugged her close and whispered, "I love you," before kissing her head and giving her a final squeeze.

"I'll see you in a week?" Alexis asked with a smile, though Kate caught the lingering doubt she hadn't quite erased lurking in the girl's eyes.

Rick didn't reply right away and so Kate nodded for both of them. "In a week, and then we're going to do all of those fun summer things, right?"

"Right," Alexis grinned. "Okay. Bye Mommy, bye Daddy!"

They chorused a goodbye together and watched as Alexis left with her friend. The door closed and Kate stared at it. She'd been worried first and foremost about Alexis, her _daughter_, and everything that had affected her. But now, in the stillness of the room that was too still, and too silent, and too full of happy memories she desperately wanted to keep and re-experience, Kate floundered.

Slowly, knowing that postponing it would only make it ten times worse, Kate turned to look at him. They stood a few feet apart, hands in their pockets, gazing at each other. She felt every one of her 24 years, and so few of those she pretended she had above them. Young, vulnerable, and culpable—Kate just wanted to make it go away, but this would take more than 'I'm sorry.'

"You took her to the cemetery," Rick said, his voice bouncing around the foyer.

Kate nodded. "I needed to explain, and I thought she'd…I thought she deserved to meet her; they both did." She watched as he absorbed this. "And…" He deserved it too. "And if…I…" But she couldn't seem to be able to say, 'and if we're still together after all of this,' because it hurt too much, and she wasn't very sure she would be able to make the sentence come out of her mouth.

"You apologized," he stated, neither accusatory nor forgiving.

"I did. I had to," Kate sighed. "And I know you need that too, and you deserve it, but I want…before I say it and it's hollow, can…" she ran a hand through her hair, nervous and scared and out of place in her normally loquacious head. "Did you get a good look at my victim last night?"

He blinked. "The one on the window?"

So he'd looked through her stuff this morning. Good, that would help. "Yeah," she said, moving backward and tentatively gesturing for him to follow as she walked back to the island to slide the album out of her purse with shaking hands. He stood a chair away and she extended it to him. He took it and stared down at the cover for a few minutes before opening the album. "Flip to the last one," she instructed softly, knowing exactly which picture would make it all come together.

His sharp intake of breath told her he'd found it. "She looks just like your Mom," he whispered, slowly bringing his eyes up to meet Kate's. "She…Kate, God, I…" he stammered. He couldn't seem to decide where to land. She knew he was angry, but now he understood at least a little of why she'd done what she'd done. It didn't make it right, but he needed to know where she'd been coming from.

"Before we met, I went through a year of therapy," she began, watching as he watched her. But she knew she had to get all of it out, for better or worse—whether it made him run screaming or not. He deserved as much. "But before that, I spent every waking moment I had going through my mother's case. I was underweight and sleep deprived, and I almost got Royce, my training officer, shot once."

"I…"

She shook her head and he closed his mouth, looking pained and sad and hesitant, unsure of what to do or say. "I collapsed one day," she said softly, remembering the harsh lights she'd woken up to, glaring down at her in her hospital bed. "I was in so deep that I couldn't even take care of myself. So Montgomery gave me an ultimatum: give it up and get help, or leave the force."

"And you gave it up?" Rick whispered, understanding flashing across his face.

Kate nodded. "And I gave it up. I got help and by the time we met, I was…I was who you met." She stared at the book in his hands. "And I've been okay with that. I've been _happy_, Rick," she looked up and met his eyes. "You've made me so unbelievably happy and whole and right."

He smiled slightly before his expression changed. "Until now."

"No," Kate shook her head. "I still…I'm not unhappy. It was nothing you did," she said firmly. "I've been stressed and tired, and you guys were in the Hamptons," she held up a hand as he went to object. "Which isn't your fault. But I was worn down and when the case hit, I just went under," she sighed. God, had she. But she'd beaten herself up about it already—cried until she could barely breathe. "And until you came and knocked some sense into me, I just wasn't seeing it. But God, after you left? All the phone calls and the visits I didn't make or have or do came back and," a tear slipped down her cheek and she wiped it away, watching as his free hand twitched by his side, wanting to do it for her.

"And I realized what I'd done, and what I'd…what I could have…what I hope I haven't thrown away." She found his eyes with hers and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry."

"Kate."

"I'm sorry that I ignored Alexis and stopped paying attention. And I'm sorry that I didn't tell you why—that I didn't really get it until I'd already screwed up. And I'm sorry that I didn't just call you that first night, and say that I missed my Mom, and just…" she sighed and ran a hand through her hair, shifting agitatedly on her feet. "I should have noticed. I should have. I did the therapy. I know when I'm going down, but this time, I was tired and I missed her and all of a sudden there was this woman there on the ground who looked _just_ like my mother and I…" she broke off, realizing that her voice had risen.

She looked at him and found him gaping at her. Oh, God, that wasn't the way to convince him to stay with her. Here she was, admitting to having basically had a psychotic breakdown, and now she was telling him that she'd missed the warning signs. Did that make her psychotic? Should she be allowed around Alexis? And now her breath was short. Great. She'd worked up this whole speech and instead, she was hyperventilating. What had she wanted to say next?

"I love you," she said abruptly. His eyes widened and she clenched her hands into fists. Damnit. She had to get herself under control. "I love you, and I love Alexis, and you guys, the two of you, have been everything for me for almost two years and I never, _ever_ meant for this to happen."

He stayed rooted to the spot for a moment before he surged forward, tossing the album onto the kitchen island behind her as he wrapped his arms around her shaking body. She slowly wound her arms around his waist and held on tight, burying her head into his shoulder. She didn't know if she'd ever get to do this again; he was hugging her, yes, but it was a knee-jerk reaction on his part—Kate in distress equals hug.

"You should have told me," he said against her hair, not letting go, but no longer just comforting. He held her there, trying to say something with the action that she figured he couldn't say with words. "I called. I called you every day for two weeks."

"I know," she murmured.

"And you just stopped calling back, unless you happened to pick up."

"I know," she repeated, because he was right.

"And I _asked_ you," he continued, his voice hoarse. "I asked if you were okay, and you said yes."

"I know," she sighed, though it sounded suspiciously like a sob to her ears.

"And you stopped talking to Alexis. You promised her you'd call everyday, and you just stopped."

"I know," she hissed through clenched teeth, her hands fisting into the back of his shirt. She thought she'd cried all of these tears the night before, but apparently she hadn't wept herself fully ragged yet.

"It was like Meredith all over again," Rick told her, his voice devoid of accusation or condemnation, because just the words alone chilled her and she stiffened. "You say you'll call, and you don't. You say you'll visit, and you don't. And that poor kid just didn't know what to do."

"I'm sorry," she managed. "I'm so sorry."

"And then we come back, and you take her out, and you _fix_ it," he said, caught between surprise and indignation. "I have this little girl, crying and wondering for over two weeks, and then two hours with you and she's fine."

"She's not," Kate said immediately. "She's okay, but she's not fine, and it's going to take a long time before I can promise her something and not see that little spark of disbelief behind her eyes," she said honestly.

This time he stiffened in her arms. "You…"

"I went under," she said quietly, pulling back reluctantly, because this was something to say face-to-face, standing on her own two feet, without him there to hold her up. "I went under, because I was so used to having you here that I didn't remember what it was like to keep myself standing. I didn't notice, because you weren't there, asking me how my day was, snapping me out of the tunnel vision. And that's on me, Rick. I should have dealt with it. But it just took a second, you know? It was one little moment of thinking I could handle it, and I was gone."

He was holding onto her forearms now, connected while still separated by two feet of space. "And how…" he sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, steeling himself to ask a question she wished he never had to ask. "How do I know that it won't happen again?"

Kate met his eyes. "A couple things," she said softly. "I go back to therapy, because I obviously still need it," she began, with firmness in her voice that was as much to convince herself, as it was to assure him. "Second, we make a deal that if you're ever gone and I don't return calls for two days, you call Lanie." She was Kate Beckett, independent, self-sufficient cop, but the woman underneath wasn't quite there yet, and if she'd allowed anyone to smack her before Rick got to it, they could have avoided a hell of a lot.

"And last," she took a deep breath and shifted their arms so that her engagement ring glinted in the light. "You put a ring on my finger, and I hope to God you want to keep it here. And if you do, I'll make it my mission to never fall back down that rabbit hole. I didn't realize what it would do to you or Alexis, because I hadn't thought about the damn case like that for a long time. And now that I know, now that I've…now that I've messed up so badly that you're calling Alexis _your_ kid again, I can't let it happen again, Rick."

She looked up and met his eyes and found him already staring at her, a mixture of hope, love, regret and wariness etched all over his face. "Kate," he said gruffly. "I just…I was so mad."

"You should have been," she whispered.

He shook his head. "I came in, and I yelled, and I slammed the door and left, and you were here alone," he said, his words tripping over themselves as he tried to sort it all out. "Why didn't you just say something?" he asked. And there, below the anger for his kid, below the fear and disappointment that she'd turned into another Meredith, below the rage that had driven him a hundred miles to yell at her, was the man she'd hurt, because she hadn't bothered to open up to him.

Kate sighed and squeezed his arms. "I know it's not enough, but I'm sorry," she told him. "I am. I didn't…we've been together for almost a year and a half, you know? And really it's almost two years, because even before we were _anything_, I was still here once a week."

He nodded and she caught the corner of his mouth twisting upward. "Yeah, you were."

"And it took me a while, but I did open up to you, and I've stayed that way, but this one," she paused and swallowed hard. "This one's different. I didn't tell you because I try not to think about it, and you know, you have this ability to get me to spill my secrets faster than anything and it was a secret that…that hurt too much," she finished, her voice soft and sad. "And I should have. Because maybe if I'd talked to you about it, somewhere, sometime earlier, I would have noticed myself sliding down into the place where I don't even take care of myself."

"Have you eaten? Did you sleep?" he asked automatically, and then frowned. "You do do those things, right?"

Were they not clutching at each other's arms for dear life, she might have laughed. "Usually yeah, I do. I might not sleep as much as I should, and sometimes I do forget to eat balanced meals, but normally I do take care of myself. You know that."

"I do," he nodded slowly. "I just…I don't know this person," he said, breaking her hold to gesture toward the office. "I can't remember ever seeing you like that. I mean," he trailed off after a moment. "I know you get sucked into cases, and I've forced you into bed more than once…" he met her eyes. "If I'd been here…"

She took a step forward and covered his lips with her hand. "It's not your responsibility to make sure I stay above water." She shook her head as he went to protest. "Best friend or not, I have to keep myself above water. After that, you're free to float me as high up as you want. But I need to be able to do this myself."

He considered her for a moment as she let her fingers fall to touch his collar once before dropping to her side. "Does that mean…what does that mean, Kate?"

It sounded like he was scared. But scared of what? She searched his eyes and then caught him as his gaze flicked to her ring. And didn't that just make her chest ease up. "It means that I have to get help to make sure this doesn't happen again, and while I'm doing that, hopefully, we have…we have the most amazing wedding. If you still…" she couldn't finish the thought.

Rick stared at her, lips parted, almost like she'd grown two heads. "Of course I still want to marry you," he said, his voice breathless. Kate chuckled, unable to stop herself, because he sounded so damn surprised, and to her, it had seemed like such a distinct possibility the night before. "I didn't…I was so angry, Kate," he sighed, reaching down to find her free hand with his. "And I said…I flew off the handle, but you? I didn't mean…Of _course_ I still want to marry you."

"I'm…I'm glad," she managed. "And I'm sorry," she added, feeling that she couldn't possibly say it enough.

They stood there, neither quite sure of what to do next. They'd never had this kind of fight before; they'd never had a reason for one. It seemed like they'd reached the end, and they still wanted to get married. Kate had serious work to do, which would have to start with calling her therapist the next day. But maybe that wasn't such a bad idea regardless of everything that had already happened. But here, in the present, she was just standing there, holding Rick's forearm with her left hand, and feeling his fingers twitching between hers on her right.

"So," he said, breaking the silence, because he just couldn't handle it anymore. Rick was never great with silence.

"So," she repeated, trying on a small smile. If they stripped away her regression and the fight and Alexis, they hadn't seen each other in three weeks, and that was heady enough in it of itself.

"You look tired," Rick said softly.

"Didn't sleep well," she replied with a small shrug of her shoulders. "You look tan and tired." He smiled, the corners of his eyes crinkling up, lighting up his face, though she could still see the deep bags under his eyes—bags she'd created. Damn.

"Wanna take a nap?" he suggested, tugging on her hand so she stumbled toward him until they were chest to chest. He leaned down hesitantly and she smiled, stretching onto the tips of her toes to meet his lips in a very soft, very tender kiss.

She'd wanted this; she'd wanted his forgiveness. But did she have it? Did she even have a right to ask for it? He wasn't angry anymore, and she should be content with that, since she knew that that in it of itself was a wonder.

When he pulled back, he looked down and met her eyes, raising a hand to brush the hair from her face. "Come on," he murmured, taking her hands and stepping backward toward their bedroom, walking slowly and carefully as he moved his eyes over her face.

The feel of his hands around hers calmed her, but now she had a roiling sense of doubt and worry that she couldn't seem to shake. He caught her hesitation as they crossed the threshold into the bedroom. They stopped moving, standing just inside the doorway.

"Give me a few days, Kate," he said, following her eyes and they flew to his. He gave her a small smile. "I'm not mad, and I'm so glad to see you, but I need…"

"Take as long as you want," she said instantly. "I'm…"

He dislodged one set of fingers as he raised his hand to touch her lips, stopping her words. "I know." He moved his hand to cup her cheek and coaxed her to step forward so he could wrap his other arm around her. "I know. You don't have to keep saying it. I know, and I accept it, and in a few days, when it's not so fresh, I'll be able to tell you it's fine."

"But it's not," she whispered, hearing the raw regret in her voice.

He shook his head and leaned forward to kiss her for a moment. When he pulled back, he found her eyes and she stared at him. "It will be," he said firmly. "But now, I think we both need sleep more than anything. And then we're ordering an obscene amount of Chinese food for dinner. Do you have tomorrow off?"

Kate nodded. "I can have more time, too. I probably should, at least for a day or two."

He grinned. "Great. Then we can sleep until it's dark out."

That sounded heavenly, and she let him guide her to sit on the bed, watching with no small amount of awe as he unlaced her sneakers and tossed them over toward the closet. She couldn't understand how he could bear to hug her, kiss her, undress her and sleep next to her. He hadn't fully forgiven her, and yet here he was, loving her. It didn't make sense. She didn't want to question it, because she felt so lucky to even have him there at all, but it didn't make sense.

He stood and walked around the bed, falling onto it with a satisfied groan before rolling over and tugging the blankets down. "You comin'?" he asked, opening an arm for her.

Kate hesitated for a brief pause before giving in to the need to lie next to him—something she'd missed for three long, lonely weeks in this room, in this bed, in the part of her head that had kept missing them, unconsumed and hurting. She slowly scooted over, moving toward him cautiously before he growled and lunged, wrapping himself around her. She laughed as he rolled them so that he was pressed up against her back, his arm heavy and warm across her side and stomach, his fingers digging into her tee shirt. She slowly wound a hand down to mesh their fingers together and he pressed a kiss to her throat.

"I've missed you," he whispered, burying his face into her hair. "Next year, we need to figure out a better solution for the summer."

Kate snuggled back into him, disbelief and overwhelming affection warring in her mind at equal measure. "Yeah," she sighed, turning her head to kiss the arm he'd slid beneath her head. "And I'll…I'll come visit more, if you guys still go to the Hamptons for a month or something, and call. I'll call every day. More than once, even, and…"

He chuckled into her hair and she stopped babbling. "I'm not going to get you to stop feeling overwhelmingly guilty, am I?" he whispered.

"I shouldn't be able to," she replied. She believed it. She should feel horrible, and he shouldn't be hugging her and kissing her throat. That wasn't how this was supposed to go. But she couldn't stop the urge to clutch his hand a little tighter, snuggle a little closer, breathe him in just that much more.

"You're infuriating," he grumbled against her neck.

"What?" she laughed, surprised.

"Yes, you should feel bad. We agree on that one, and I'm not…I'm not going to let you off the hook for this, but I don't want you to be here wallowing in it."

"And _I'm_ infuriating," she mumbled, giggling as his fingers ground lightly into her stomach.

"I just…I want us to get back to before, Kate," he murmured, sounding tired and as needy as she felt. "And it'll take time, but right now, I don't want to think about the past three weeks, or the rabbit hole, or how exhausted we both are. Right now, I just want to lie in bed with my fiancée and sleep for about seven hours. You game?"

Kate smiled and squeezed his hand. Those were terms she could handle. She was glad that he wasn't forgetting it—wasn't just letting her off the hook. She _wanted_ him to be angry, and guarded and careful about it, because this was their life, and he had to be absolutely sure. At the same time, she couldn't help but let out a large, relieved breath as her body finally sank into the mattress, warmed by his larger one, comforted by his soft breath behind her.

"Sleep, Kate," he mumbled.

"Yes, sir," she laughed, sinking into him. "I love you," she added quietly.

"I will always love you," he said, holding her to him, pressing his nose into her neck. "Even if I'm completely livid, I will always love you."

Kate let out a breath against his arm. If she'd been worried about that, because she hadn't really thought about it in those terms, she wasn't now, and that last bit of fear fell away.

"Don't ever doubt that," he added firmly. "We're getting married."

"We are," she agreed quickly.

He laughed, his chest rumbling gently behind her. "We're going to fight again. And we'll probably fight more than this—fight for more than two days."

"Something to look forward to," she mumbled, laughing with him this time.

"My point, sassy, is that we're going to yell and scream at each other, but that's never going to make me stop loving you."

Oh, how she'd needed to hear that. She didn't know why. She didn't know she'd been worried. But the release in her chest and the tingles throughout her body were proof of it. "I'll always love you too," she whispered, feeling maudlin, and small, but joyous and full all at once.

"Good." His lips pressed against her shoulder and then she felt him settle down behind her. "Now shh, I'm sleeping."

Kate relaxed into him, smiling as he pulled her closer and his breath washed across the back of her neck. When they woke up, they could talk more. She could find more ways to apologize. She could pack up the case and hand it off to someone else at the precinct before she took the beginning of the week off, using some of those vacation days she'd refused back during his recovery. But now, she just wanted to sleep. And as heavy exhaustion pulled her under, she smiled and pressed her cheek into his arm, feeling safe and whole for the first time in two days. She'd have been whole on her own, eventually, if he had decided to leave. But now she didn't have to find out how truly broken she could have been.

It would be a long slog back to where they'd been, but she'd do it, and he'd be there every step of the way, loving her, no matter what. And they were getting married in a month.

Her eyes popped open. "I need to call Elise," she exclaimed. "She…three days? Four days? I was supposed to get back to her," Kate babbled, moving to sit up before Rick hauled her back.

"Mother took care of it," he mumbled as he held her against his chest. "Now go to sleep."

"But I…"

"Kate," he growled, bringing his hand up to gently force her cheek back onto his arm. "Go to sleep. You can freak out about the wedding later."

She went to protest again but he started rubbing her side, in a move he'd perfected throughout months of cases and insomnia. "Fine," she sighed, feeling her eyelids grow heavy. "Fine, you win."

"Hah," he said happily.

She could have smacked him for being smug, but they were getting married. They were _still_ getting married in a month, and that one detail helped her drift off into the first peaceful sleep she'd had in three weeks.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I have justifications for all of my decisions, but I'm not going to list them here. I'm interested to know if you found this solution effective. It isn't something that will be forgotten, even though they're lighter at the end than in the middle. <strong>

**We're moving toward the end of this story, my friends. I've always planned to end it close to this, and I know some people have expressed opinions that it's gotten a bit stale, so I'm going to stick to my original plan, rather than extend. Two or three more chapters, I believe. **

**I want to thank all of you for being such supportive and kind readers. Almost everyone has been constructive in reviewing with both positive and negative opinions, and that means the world to me. **

**Emma**


	40. Chapter 40

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: You can't tell an entire story on TV in a little under five months. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 40:<strong>

"We are getting curtains in here," Kate proclaimed as she turned over and hid her face in Rick's neck, smiling as he drew her closer and tugged the blankets up over their heads. The bright sunlight disappeared and she unclenched her eyes, blinking sleepily as she rested against his body.

"Why? Then we can't have a fort," he said playfully, his voice still gruff with sleep. "Morning," he added, moving away so he could meet her eyes in the dim blue light the summer comforter let filter through to hit their faces. "Last day as a single woman," he added.

Kate laughed and leaned in to press her lips to his, pulling back only when the kiss began to heat up beyond the bounds of morning breath. "I haven't been single for two years," she giggled as he moved his lips to skate over her cheeks and then down to her throat.

He laughed and rolled over so that his body pressed down on top of hers, warm and heavy. She let her hands trail up his chest to wrap around his neck and they smiled at each other, not the least bit perturbed that they were in fact awake at 7am on a Saturday. She closed her eyes as he leaned down to press his lips to her cheek. Beyond the sound of their breath, she could hear the ocean lapping against the sand, calm and choppy at once—a perfect parallel to their relationship. She snorted. Oh, she was cheesy today.

"What?" he asked, pulling back to meet her eyes.

"Nothing," she deflected.

"What?" he repeated, moving a hand down to brace it against her side, poised to use methods of persuasion more forceful, and ticklish, than his words.

"Just being sappy. Don't you dare," she added as he dug his fingers into her stomach playfully. "Rick," she protested.

He grinned and stilled his hand, squeezing her hip. "Sappy?"

She huffed. "We're getting married tomorrow and I just…" she broke off and he smiled in encouragement, leaning down to peck her lips once. "I'm really glad we're here, and doing this and…I'm just really glad," she said, playing with the hairs at the back of his neck.

The past month had been a rocky, blissful, cautious, free whirlwind of weeks. She'd handed the James case over to the alternate team and had started taking actual lunch and dinner breaks, going so far as to go home for dinner and eat with her family as often as possible. She and Alexis had re-solidified their relationship with many trips out shopping, swimming, walking in the park, and generally doing all of the mother-daughter activities they could think of. It felt normal, and wonderful, and warm, but all the while, there was a caution among the three of them.

She caught lingering doubt in her daughter's eyes when she promised to spend a morning with her, and concern etched across Rick's face whenever she brought any kind of work home. He'd taken to sitting up in the office with her when she was trying to figure out a case, writing or annoying her until she gave up and came to bed. She was mildly perturbed by it, but recognized it as his way of dealing with her relapse. Her therapist thought as much, at least.

But today, she didn't want to think about the tentative hold they all had on trust. Today, she just wanted to be in bed with her fiancé, on the last day before he became her husband. And though they were cautious and sometimes timid, she couldn't remember another month in which they'd kissed so much, or cuddled, or spent as much time just being together as they had that September.

"I'm glad too," he said softly, and she knew he understood exactly what she'd meant by it. That fight had tested them, but even as they were settling into this new life together, they were stronger for the experience. "Do you have any last minute, unmarried stuff we should take care of before the dinner?"

"Last minute unmarried stuff?" she laughed, rubbing her foot along his calf. "Like what?"

"Well, that," he groaned, pressing down onto her as she continued to stroke her toes along his skin. "But since Alexis is bound to pop in here sometime soon, I think we'll have to wait."

"Nothing like one last night of sin before getting married," she grinned.

He laughed and then tilted his head. "You are sleeping in here, right? We're not doing that ridiculous, 'don't see her before the wedding thing,' right?"

She smiled. She'd toyed with the idea. They'd done _nothing_ 'right' since…ever, and she'd briefly considered keeping to custom, just so they'd have something conventional to look back on. But then he'd rolled over in the night and snuggled up against her, his hand unconsciously finding hers and holding her close. She didn't want to spend the night before her wedding tossing and turning in the guest room like she'd done over a year ago. This was _their_ bed now, and damn if she wasn't going to sleep in it the night before the biggest day of her life.

"No," she said after letting him hang on the thought for a moment. He narrowed his eyes at her for the tease. "Come on. You picked out my wedding dress and I proposed to you in a hospital. Why now, of all times, would I force us to be average?"

He laughed happily and nuzzled his face into her neck, pressing his lips against her pulse. "No argument here, Mrs. Almost-Castle."

"You're sure it doesn't bother you that I'm not going to change my name publicly?" she asked after a quiet minute.

He raised his head and met her eyes. "Not at all."

They'd discussed it already, and Kate had agreed to change her name legally, so that she could easily step in for Alexis without hundreds of questions and checks in an emergency. But they'd both decided it was better to stay "Beckett," at work, since interrogating criminals became exponentially more difficult once you dropped the celebrity bomb. But she still wondered whether there was a possessive man somewhere deep inside her sweet, sometimes metrosexual fiancé. And she marveled at the fact that the mere idea didn't repulse her. Her mind was complicated.

"I love that you're still Detective Beckett," he told her, smiling like he knew her thoughts. "And yeah, I'll get that little surge of 'mine,' whenever someone calls you Mrs. Castle, but I don't know; I kind of like that my wife is a badass detective who could whip my ass six ways to Sunday."

Kate laughed. "As long as you're a good boy, Ricky, I won't have to."

"And if I'm not, can we play cops and robbers tonight?" he asked immediately, his eyes lighting up. She laughed and leaned up to find his lips just as the door to their room creaked open.

Kate let herself fall back down to the bed while Rick reluctantly rolled off of her and tossed the comforter back to reveal Alexis standing on Kate's side of the bed, wearing a pair of cotton shorts and a small "Master of the Macabre" tee shirt. Rick had tried to get her to wear it out in public, but she'd deemed it too narcissistic—her new favorite word—on his part and now used it as a pajama top.

"Morning, munchkin," Kate greeted as Alexis yawned. She smiled and opened an arm for her. Alexis climbed onto the bed and then rolled over Kate's stomach to land between them. Rick was laughing too hard to comment as Kate puffed out the breath she'd lost when her eight-year-old daughter had used her as a speed bump. "There's a bottom to this bed," she grumbled while Alexis giggled.

"Happy Day-before-your-wedding Day!" she said happily.

Both adults laughed and Rick reached over to ruffle her messy bed-head. "Thanks," he said softly.

Kate smiled at him over Alexis, who was lying on her back, staring up at the ceiling.

"Does this mean that you'll officially be my Mommy after tomorrow?" she asked.

Kate glanced at Rick, who gave her an enormous smile and nodded. She'd left it up to him, after everything that had happened, and hadn't pushed the issue, happy to wait and make amends before going through the legalities. Unbeknownst to her, however, he'd pushed the proceedings through and they were one mailed, signed paper away from partial custody. He'd surprised her, sidling up to her on the couch four days earlier when she'd had the morning on call without a body.

,

_ "What's this?" she asked as Rick handed her a large manila folder, knocking her copy of "Hell Hath No Fury," out of her hands. He simply smiled and plopped down next to her. _

_ "Open it," he offered._

_ She shrugged and carefully undid the backing of the envelope. She was scrunched up, leaning against a pile of pillows Alexis had created while watching cartoons before she'd gone to school. Kate wore a pair of Rick's sweat pants and she curled her toes into the soft fabric as she slid the papers out, confused, a little excited, and wary. These couldn't be what she thought they were. Alexis had only come back a little over two weeks ago._

_ "Rick," she breathed as she looked the papers over. They were the custody papers, all signed by the proper authorities and legal consultants. All that was missing was her signature. "Are…what?"_

_ "Well, I figured my handling the honeymoon was kind of a given, and you know, that would be a crappy present," he said, scooting over to wrap his arm around her shoulders. He danced his fingers along her legs until she gave in and uncurled them across his lap, so that she was pillowed by his body, the papers in her hand in front of them. _

_ He was giving… "You're giving me Alexis as my wedding present?" she whispered, staring at the little blank line that would make her a legal mother, even if she did have to share her daughter with Meredith._

_ He smiled and squeezed her shoulder. "Good present?"_

_ She nodded slowly. "But I…" she'd messed up and he'd only forgiven her about a week ago, though it hadn't seemed such a huge thing when he'd been constantly touching her and going out of his way to give her time with Alexis. "Are you sure?"_

_ She felt his lips against her temple, clashing with the surge of insecurity and guilt that welled up as she stared at the papers—the life changing papers. "Katherine," he said softly and she pulled away to meet his eyes. He hadn't called her Katherine in a while. "No matter what happened a few weeks ago, I know you love Alexis. I know you want to be her mother, legally and fully."_

_ "I do," she agreed. "And I'm still…"_

_He shook his head and she fell silent. "I know. And the way you're making it up to her, Kate? That's why I know you deserve this. That's why _I_ want this. You are going to be my wife, and I want you to be the mother of my child, our child—the little girl who may love you more than she loves me most days."_

_ "Impossible," Kate said immediately. Yes, she had Alexis' heart and she loved her back just as thoroughly, but Rick was her Daddy, and nothing could beat that._

_ "An argument for another time," he laughed with her. "But Kate? I want this for us. If you're not read…"_

_ She pressed her lips to his to stop the thought. Of course she wanted it. Of course she was ready. She just hadn't been expecting it so soon. "Yes," she whispered as they pulled apart._

_ "Then I say we mail these right before we leave for the honeymoon," he said, wearing an enormous smile. _

_ Kate mirrored his with her own. "If you're absolutely sure."_

_ "Do I need to drag you to do it now, or can I hand you a pen and wait to be symbolic?" he asked, rolling his eyes and grinning at her for stealing her expression._

_ "Fine. Pen," she chuckled, watching as he produced one from his back pocket. "Just on the line?"_

_ "Yep."_

_ She signed the paper with sure strokes. She wanted this. She wanted to be Mrs. Castle, mother of Alexis Castle, wife of Richard Castle—part of a true, legal, full family. Rick's hand ran up and down her back as she capped the pen. She looked up and met his eyes. _

_ "Thank you," she whispered, flipping the pen in her hand as she heard the paper rustle on her lap._

_ He simply smiled and leaned in to find her lips. She kissed him back with equal vigor and was content to lose herself in sensation and happiness until he began to move. "Wait," she mumbled, stalling him with one hand while she picked up the paper. He nodded and watched as she slipped the file back into the folder, closed it, and then slid it onto the coffee table. _

_ As she leaned back into his arm, she unconsciously reached up and fiddled with her necklace, feeling the ring against her chest. She was a mother. Well, in about a month, she would officially be a mother. And her mother wasn't here to see it._

_ "Kate?" Rick said softly._

_ They'd never gotten to the cemetery. Instead they'd talked and she'd gone to therapy, and he'd written…and then weeks had gone by and they just never went; life got in the way. _

_ "Come on," she said, standing up and extending her hands for him._

_ "Come on where?" he asked, allowing her to tug him up, even as he pouted at her, obviously having expected the continuation of their make-out._

_ "I want you to meet someone," she offered, leading him toward the bedroom. "But I need real pants."_

_ "Meet someone?" he repeated, leaning against the doorjamb as she shimmied out of his sweats and into a pair of flared jeans. She threw her hair up in a ponytail and slipped into a pair of brown clogs. She had heels at the station, so she didn't need to worry about being prepared for a call, and her simple black long-sleeve was suitable for work. She'd have to take a cab to the 12th anyway, since Rick and Alexis had picked her up for dinner the previous night. _

_ "Yeah," she said as she turned back to him. "You look good. Let's go," she added, taking in his button down and jeans—casual but presentable, not that it mattered, really. Her mother was dead; she couldn't see what they were wearing. But it still felt like they should be presentable. He was…meeting her for the first time, all things considered. "I thought, since I'm on call today, maybe we should go see my mom," she told him as she reached out and smoothed down his collar. _

_ He caught her hand in his and brought it to his lips before tugging her into a hug. Kate smiled and pressed her forehead into his neck, arms wound around his waist as he cupped the back of her head, obviously aware of just how much this meant to her. "Should I put on a suit?" he asked._

_ She laughed. "No. You're fine. But I…before we get married you know?" she continued, pulling back to look up at him._

_ He just smiled and found her lips for a brief moment before stepping back and taking her hand. He led her to the foyer and helped her into her jacket before shrugging into his own. She grabbed the keys and they left, walking close together, silent and comfortable. In an odd way, she was excited. And no, her mother wouldn't assess him and make him squirm before turning to Kate and giving her a bear hug. She wouldn't interrogate him and then deem him worthy, stuffing him with food and asking all of the questions Kate knew she would have been desperate to have answered._

_ "You okay?" Rick asked. _

_ Kate looked over at him, mildly surprised to find herself in the back of a taxi headed toward the cemetery. She remembered telling the cabbie the address, but she'd been lost in thought with Rick's warm arm around her shoulders._

_ "Yeah," she replied, giving him a smile. "I'm just…I wish you could have really met her."_

_ "Me too," he said softly._

_ "She would have adored you. She loved your books," she admitted quietly. _

_ "Really?" He looked so shocked and pleased. God, her fiancé was adorable. And he was almost her husband. And she was almost a mother. "What?"_

_ "Hmm?"_

_ Rick chuckled. "Your eyes just went wide."_

_ "Oh," Kate laughed. "Just…thinking. We're," she paused and stared at him—at the face that she'd been in love with for over a year, even if she hadn't been willing to admit it at the time. "We're getting married, and I just signed the custody papers and I just…I'm happy." _

_ He grinned and reached up to pay the cab fare. Were they already there? Rick laughed and opened the door, getting out so he could extend a hand to help her, though she hardly needed help. She stepped up beside him and they stood before the gates together. It didn't escape her that she'd done the exact same with Alexis; this time she was switching Castles. Though, to be fair, she was almost a Castle now, so maybe it was just a Castle thing. _

_ She took a deep breath and then began walking, squeezing his fingers as they found a place between hers. They walked through the gates and wound down the long aisle toward the oak tree, sun shining down and their breath puffing out before them in the unseasonably cold air. _

_ "I hope it warms up for Sunday," Rick said quietly, almost apologetically, like the thought had popped out unbidden, and then he'd realized where they were._

_ Kate glanced over at him and smiled, tugging him the last few feet to her mother's grave. "Me too," she agreed as he stepped up beside her and they stood in front of the marker. _

_ "We should have stopped for flowers," Rick mumbled. "I…I should have…"_

_ "Mom," Kate interrupted, pulling gently on his hand until he was flush with her side and she could release his fingers to wrap her arm around his waist. "This is my fiancé, Rick Castle."_

_"Hi, Mrs. Beckett…ma'am," Rick stammered. He was nervous. Kate could have kissed him for all she was worth for that alone. And with him there with her, stammering his way through a greeting to a slab of granite, she didn't feel sad, or lonely, or filled with crushing grief. She was simply content to have him meet her mother, even if in reality, she could never _truly_ meet him._

_ "He's usually more eloquent than this," Kate put in, laughing as he shot her a glare. She rubbed her thumb in a circle against his thigh, in a gesture that always seemed to make him relax. "This is the guy I told you about last year, when I stood out here in the rain." _

_ "I wasn't happy about that," Rick interjected. "But she wouldn't…we weren't here yet," he finished quietly. _

_ Kate turned her head and kissed his shoulder as he raised his arm from her back to settle across her shoulders, pulling her more firmly into his side. "We're getting married on Sunday," she said quietly, dancing her ring finger against his hip. "And, uh, you know, I proposed."_

_ Rick__ chuckled.__ "_She _was __very __eloquent.__"_

_ "I was a babbling mess, actually," Kate laughed. "His proposal was beautiful, when we switched the rings."_

_ "I was in a car accident a few months ago and Kate needed to get in to see me, so she put on your ring. And it did look great on her finger, but I thought she should have both," he explained. _

_ Kate squeezed his side. He was just talking to her mother with her, like it was normal, and this was how all couples met the second parent—days before the wedding, in a cemetery. With a small sigh, she guided them to sit on the ground, even though it was cold and hard and a little wet. She never felt comfortable looking down at her mother's headstone. Maybe it was because she could only remember her mother being taller than she herself was. Or maybe it was just that sitting made it seem more personal, like they were back on her bed in her pink bedroom, swapping secrets about the stupid boys in high school. _

_ She leaned into Rick's side and he pulled her closer so that they were side by side, his arm over her shoulders again with her hand twined with his on his knee. They were silent for a few minutes, each lost in thought. But she'd come here to tell her mother something._

_ "I signed an important paper today," Kate offered to the empty air, thinking maybe somewhere, her mother would hear her. "I told you about Alexis," she continued. "Well, I…" she glanced at Rick, who smiled and leaned in to kiss her cheek. "I signed for partial custody today, so that I keep Alexis if…" she swallowed._

_ "If something happens," Rick finished for her, bringing their hands to rest against his healed ribs. "She's a great mother. I think you'd be very proud," he added, looking at the headstone._

_ "I think she'd kick my ass," Kate mumbled into his shoulder. He looked down at her and Kate met his eyes. "For last month, at least."_

_ He shook his head and then rested his against hers. "I think she'd be proud of you for working to fix it, and for just being you."_

_ "I really wish you could have met her," Kate whispered. "She would have loved you."_

_ "I'm sure the sentiment would be mutual. It already is," he said, his lips against her forehead. "I love you, and she gave me you."_

_Kate smiled and squeezed his hand. "He has a way with words," she said. "I wish you could hear him tell a story; it really _is_ like having him read one of the books out loud."_

_ "Excuse me?" Rick chuckled, jostling her in question._

_ Kate bit her lip. She hadn't meant to say all of that out loud. But here she was, in for a penny, and she might as well throw in for the pound. "My mom read your books before I did, and I think we read one together before…anyway, she said once…" Kate glanced at the headstone. Were her mother actually there, Kate would have been thwarted by now, or at great risk for an injury by pillow. "She wished you could read her a story when she went to sleep," Kate giggled, overcome with the image now of Rick sitting on the edge of her parents' bed, reading a book while her mother swooned and her father glared at him._

_ Rick let out a surprised laugh and then clamped his mouth shut. "I…"_

_ "You can laugh," Kate smiled. "That's fine. It's funny."_

_ "I just…" he stammered. "You really are a mega fan, aren't you?"_

_"That's what you get out of that? My mother—my _mother_ wanted you to read her to sleep, and I'm the fanatic?" she scoffed._

_ "Your father keeps dropping these hints, and I keep ignoring them, but now I think he's not just teasing. Are you a fangirl?" he grinned at her, delighted._

_ "Mom," Kate groaned. "Help!"_

_ He laughed and squeezed her side. "You totally are. She totally is," he added to Johanna, or the image of Johanna, as it was. "To her credit though, I've never been able to really decide, since she edits my books like they're Alexis' third grade essays."_

_ "This is the part where she'd be jumping and repeating, 'she edits your books,' like a crazy person, before hauling me away so my father could tease you about how you'll be sleeping on the couch for a week," Kate put in, smiling at the image. _

_ Rick stiffened for a moment. "We're getting married on Sunday. A week?"_

_ "In front of my mother, Rick?" Kate protested. "Seriously." She laughed and felt him place another kiss to her forehead. This was fun and lovely, but there was an underlying melancholy and it was starting to get to her, picturing all of these scenarios that could never be. But her mother would have loved him—loved him so very much._

_ "Sorry," he laughed. "Sorry," he added again to the marker. "But it's my job to make her blush, right? She's so cute when she blushes."_

_ "Shut up," Kate grumbled. "And he's annoying when he thinks he's being sweet," she told her mother._

_ "Hey!" Kate just shook her head and leaned against him more heavily, finally feeling the exhaustion that was pressing down on her. "You okay?"_

_ Kate nodded. "I'm just…sad. I wish you could have met her. I wish she could have met you and Alexis. And I wish she could be there on Sunday."_

_ "Me too," he said, reaching over to cup her cheek so he could place a soft kiss against her lips. "But I'm sure she'll be watching."_

_ "I hope so," Kate sighed, pressing her forehead into his cheek as he rested his head against hers. "We should probably get back."_

_ "Thank you for bringing me here," he murmured. _

_ "Thank you for coming with me," she whispered back, taking a deep breath before she pushed off from his body and stood. She turned and extended her hands to help him up. Once he was standing, he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her back against his chest and placing a soft kiss to her neck as they looked down at the headstone together. _

_ "You're an amazing mother, and your mother would be proud," he said against her skin. _

_ Kate simply melted into him, suddenly overcome. A single tear made its way down her cheek, but she found a smile despite the sadness. "I'm really sorry you can't be there to see me marry the love of my life, Mom," she said softly. "He's amazing."_

_ Rick kissed her forehead and she took a deep breath before stepping back and taking his hand. She cast a final look at her mother's grave and then began to lead him out of the cemetery, silently vowing to come back after the honeymoon to tell her mother all about the wedding, and the tame details of the wedding night. She'd come alone, so she wouldn't be a blushing mess, more than she would be anyway, at least._

_ "Thank you for taking me here," Rick said as they passed through the gates and stood together on the edge of the sidewalk. "Thank you for sharing her with me." _

_ "I should have done it sooner," she shrugged, leaning into him as he hailed a cab. "But you're welcome."_

_ "You know, for whatever's happened, I'm glad we're where we are," he said once they'd gotten into the cab that pulled up and narrowly avoided spraying them with water from one of the many remaining puddles from the weekend's storm. _

_ Kate smiled and leaned into him. "I'm glad."_

_ "And I'm glad you came to my book signing almost two years ago. I can't imagine where we'd be—where Alexis would be—if you hadn't."_

_"You'd have recovered," Kate assured him. She couldn't imagine where _she_ would have been without them. Would she have fallen back down the rabbit hole? Would her father have stayed sober? Would she be anything other than a work-a-holic, pulling all-nighters at the Precinct, trying to solve murders and close her mother's case until she collapsed again?_

_ "To what? Becoming Black Pawn's playboy author?" he said, breaking her out of her reverie._

_ "You never know," she chuckled, deciding to play instead of focusing on where both of their lives could have ended up. She wasn't sure either would be a very pretty picture; they would have been functional and probably relatively happy, but at what cost? "You could have ended up with Gina."_

_ He made a gagging sound and she whacked his shoulder. "I know you guys are friends, but please; that could only have ended in disaster," he told her. She laughed with him and then smiled as he leaned down to capture her lips. "The only woman I want in my bed, in our house, around our daughter, is you."_

_ Kate nodded against his forehead and pressed her lips to his in a light kiss, smiling as he groaned. "Ditto."_

_,_

"Yes, honey," she said, coming back to herself and running her hand over Alexis' stomach, teasing her with her fingers so that she giggled. "It'll actually be about a month before it's officially official, but yeah, I'll be your Mom tomorrow."

"You're already my Mommy," Alexis sighed dramatically. "It's just paper. But I wanted to know when it's really real."

Rick laughed while Kate leaned down to kiss her forehead, smiling too much to comment. "It'll be very real tomorrow, Alexis," he said, beaming at Kate. "But we'll have a party when it's completely official too."

Of course they would, Kate thought, laughing as Alexis bounced and took off in a frenzy of planning, taking her Dad along as they lay there and mapped out all the awesome things they'd do once Kate was legally part of the whole family. It struck her as funny that the wedding wasn't their final step; it was second to last. But that didn't bother her at all. It would be fun to have another celebration, and the paper should come just a few weeks before they had their two-year anniversary.

She sighed and Rick looked over at her. "What?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. Alexis followed suit and Kate had to laugh at the twin expressions on their faces.

"Well, it's just that now, we have our wedding anniversary, our family anniversary, my birthday, Alexis' birthday and our meeting anniversary all in the span of two months," she said. Alexis clapped her hands happily while Rick groaned and fell back to the pillows dramatically.

"What's wrong?" Alexis asked, looking over at him in confusion. "That's like five parties!"

"And at least this way, they're really hard to forget," Kate added, laughing as her almost-husband grinned.

"That's true," he said happily. "I take my groan back."

"Good," Alexis said decisively. "Because we have lots of party planning to do, and you can't be grumpy."

"You mean after the wedding, right?" Kate asked her. "Because I've kinda had my fill of planning for at least a few weeks."

"That's what the honeymoon is for," Alexis said, her tone patient, like she was explaining something very simple to a small child. "You relax and sleep a lot, and then you come back with lots of energy to plan all of our parties."

They tried. They really tried not to laugh, but it was no use. It warmed Kate's heart to think that Alexis really believed the honeymoon was for sleeping. Rick found her eyes with his while Alexis laughed along, unaware that they'd shared a joke without her. Everything in his eyes told her there would be lots of 'sleeping together' involved, but very little of it would involve actual _sleeping_. And somehow—_miraculously_—that didn't bother Kate a bit.

"Sounds good, pumpkin," Rick agreed, smiling down at his daughter. "And you'll have fun with Gram while we're gone."

"And it's only a week," Kate added, knowing that it wasn't a break Alexis was truly looking forward to; but there was no way they could bring her and not traumatize her. "And we'll call every day."

Alexis looked over at her, and there was a flicker of doubt behind her eyes that made Kate's breath still. But then she smiled and cuddled into her side. "Okay," she mumbled against her shoulder.

Kate looked over and found Rick watching them with a soft smile. He raised his eyes to hers, the corners crinkling up in happiness. She took a deep breath and let the guilt fall away, knowing that the only way to fix it was to call every day, and prove that Alexis could trust her to do so.

"And we'll bring you presents," Rick added after a moment.

Kate felt Alexis grin against her shoulder. "Lots of presents," Kate agreed, sharing a grin with her almost-husband.

"Like a puppy?" Alexis mumbled, glancing up at her.

"From the Caribbean?" Kate laughed. "Sorry, munchkin. Maybe we can talk about that when we get back."

"I thought you wanted a cat," Rick added, going back to the numerous conversations they'd had throughout the month on the merits of having a pet. No one had come to a conclusion, and Alexis seemed to change her mind every few days.

"How 'bout a sea turtle?" Alexis grinned, giggling as Kate tickled her.

"We'll see what we can do," she laughed when Rick joined in, tackling them both until all of the words and thoughts, guilt and happiness faded into a haze of laughter. Tomorrow it would be real. Though, as Kate looked at her almost-husband and almost-true-daughter, the papers and ceremony didn't seem so important. This was very real.

(…)

"Your boy is ridiculous," Madison laughed as they watched Rick cannonball into the pool, simply to get a reaction out of Lanie and Martha, who had been lounging out in the dwindling sun. "Isn't he cold?" she added when he resurfaced.

"I'm sure," Kate said dryly. He hopped out, pouring water down onto the deck, dripping from his tee shirt and jeans; he'd hopped in fully dressed, goaded on by his daughter and Kate's father, who were standing on the opposite side of the pool—bad influences, the pair of them.

He shook his head like a dog, splattering Lanie, who started to get up, her expression dark. Rick quickly skidded away and came toward them while Lanie settled back down.

"Is he always like that?" Madison laughed as he came over, teeth chattering.

"Yes," Kate replied as he reached them. She extended a towel for him and he took it, grinning at her while he shivered. "Not so smug now, are you, smart guy?" she asked him while Madison giggled into her drink.

He shrugged and then took a step forward. "Richard," she cautioned as he dropped the towel. "Richard Castle," she added, backing away. Madison helpfully plucked her drink from her hand but made no move to stop him. "Rick," she pleaded as he got closer. She flipped around when she caught the glint in his eye; he was going to hug her and soak her through, and the only good course of action was to run. She sprinted down the few steps to the pool deck and then attempted to run out onto the sand, but he was faster and his arms shot out to grab her around the waist.

She shrieked and struggled but he somehow managed to slip his arm down and get her bridal style. She shivered and stopped struggling, only to notice that he'd turned them around, walking slowly toward the pool. "Don't you dare," she squealed, renewing her attempt to twist out of his arms. But nearly two full months of physical therapy had made him remarkably strong, and no amount of effort was going to help her, without hurting them both the day before their wedding.

"Not so smug now, are you, smart girl?" he grinned as he stopped at the edge of the pool. The entire party was watching them as they teetered there on the edge.

"Dude," she heard Ryan mutter.

"He's so dead." That was Esposito.

"Does writer boy have a death wish?" Lanie asked Martha.

"Daddy," Alexis called, admonishing, while Kate's father just laughed.

"Richard Alexander Rogers," Kate menaced as well as she could, trapped in his arms and shivering. "If you…" but her threat was drowned, quite literally, as he jumped off the edge, plunging them into icy water.

Freezing. Wet. Cold. Horrible. She was going to shoot him. She managed to twist out of his arms and swam to the surface, breaking through with a gasp as her whole body twitched, frozen. "I'm going to kill you," she seethed as he swam in the opposite direction on his back, grinning at her. She didn't take even a second to consider that her family and friends were watching. Instead, she pushed off from the wall, pursuing him.

His eyes widened as she gained on him and he realized he'd swum himself into a corner. She was still freezing, but that wasn't enough to stop her from splashing him bombastically, even going so far as to swim away a little to use her heavy legs to kick water at his head. Eventually though, the temperature got to her and she stopped, her teeth chattering and fingers blue.

Rick laughed, wiping water from his eyes and gasping as he swam toward her. She glared at him but couldn't really do much about it, now that the adrenaline of anger had faded away.

"I can't believe you did that," Esposito said as they swam back to the edge and climbed out, water sloshing down and creating a large puddle beneath them.

Martha tutted and extended towels to them, frowning at her son. "That's not the way to encourage your bride-to-be, you know, kiddo," she offered.

Rick just laughed while Kate sent him a withering look. "I hate you," she groaned as she wrapped the towel around her body. "Why the hell would you do that?" she demanded, turning to him and watching as he dried his hair.

"Come on, we should go change," he said by way of explanation, grabbing her hand and dragging her toward the house.

"Good luck, son," Jim called after then while the others laughed.

Kate was ready to hit him. She was _freezing_. There was nothing romantic or fun about it. She was just cold. She let him drag her up the stairs, preferring to sock it to him in private, rather than giving their guests a show through the open patio doors. She supposed she should be thankful that Montgomery and her team weren't arriving until tomorrow.

They left a wet trail of footprints behind them and she pulled the towel closer, futilely trying to warm up. He walked into their bedroom behind her and closed the door as she spun to face him. He was on her in two strides, yanking her into his cold chest as he latched his mouth onto hers, hot and demanding. She tried to protest for a moment before sinking into him, caught by surprise and held there by the warmth of his mouth and the feeling of his hardened muscles beneath her hands.

"What the hell?" she demanded when they pulled apart two minutes later.

He simply growled and yanked her shirt from her body, drawing her back in and skating his lips up her neck. "I figured it was the best way to get you alone for a few minutes."

Kate snorted against his mouth and he pulled her lip between his teeth in response, a rumble of laughter vibrating against her hands on his chest. "Seriously?" she gasped as he released her to tug his own shirt off. She laughed when she realized it was from the cold, rather than the heat they seemed to be generating. Her anger was falling away, damnit, and his bare, wet chest didn't help. "You threw me in the pool because you wanted to have a quickie?" she demanded, trying to sound as menacing as possible even as she shucked out of her wet, sticky, heavy jeans, shivering and dancing from foot to foot.

"Guilty," he grinned, reaching out for her once she'd rid herself of the damn pants, kicking them toward the door to the bathroom and leaving a wide swatch of glistening wood in their wake.

"No way," she denied, prancing away from him and over to her bureau to grab another pair of pants and a turtleneck, because now she was freezing. She sighed, ignoring him as he came over and leaned against the wall, pouting. She reached in and pulled out new underwear and a bra, because those were soaked too. Then she unceremoniously stripped bare and sidled back to the bed, where she'd flung her towel.

"You damn tease," he groaned, following her and pressing himself flush against her back as she leaned down to pick up the towel.

"Rick," she screeched, falling forward and scuttling away. "Your boxers are like an icebox," she complained, deciding to simply dry herself off in the center of the bed, far away from his groping hands and freezing underpants.

He glared at her and began removing his boxers, his gaze changing to lustful in the blink of an eye. She laughed and quickly shimmied into her panties before slipping into her bra.

"No way," she giggled, watching as he stood there, naked and freezing, looking absolutely crestfallen. "You really want to do this, with our friends and family, and _parents_ down there, knowing what we're up here doing?" she prompted, slipping the turtleneck over her head.

"A turtleneck?" he whined. "Ka-ate."

"Am I marrying a child tomorrow?" she asked once she'd slipped her head through. "I'm freezing, which is your own damn fault."

"I thought you'd…" he trailed off, something replacing the childish petulance.

She stared at him for a long moment. Underneath the idiot who'd plunged them both into a pool at the end of September was her fiancé, boyfriend, almost-husband, and he was standing there naked, staring at her with this mixture of love and need and adoration on his face. But all of it was overshadowed by a sort of disappointment.

She shook her head and climbed off the bed. She took a moment to pull her new jeans on and then walked over to his dresser to get out dry clothing for him as well. All the while, he just watched her. As she gently pushed him to sit on the bed and slipped his feet into a new pair of boxers and jeans she realized that they hadn't really done anything so childish or spontaneous since…since her relapse. And here he'd gone and done this stupid thing, gotten her angry, and then revealed that he'd just wanted to throw her down on the bed and ravish her, and she'd ruined it.

They weren't going to have a quickie with their family and friends downstairs, expecting them to take ten minutes to change. But she did have him shirtless on their bed. He met her eyes as she stood over him and she leaned down to press her mouth to his, less desperate and more tender than their first kiss upon entering the room.

She wrapped her arms around his shoulders and leaned forward, pressing them down onto the bed. He rolled them in an instant, trapping her beneath his chest and running a hand up and down her side as he supported himself with the other.

"So, ice cold pool is not a turn on, huh?" he mumbled against her lips as she trailed her hands up and down his chest.

She laughed and he leaned down to press his lips to her throat through the high neck of her shirt. Now she was regretting it too. "Not really," she admitted. "Though the wet man's not so bad."

"Not so bad?" he growled, pulling back to look down at her. "You want to marry 'not so bad,' tomorrow?"

And _there_ it was. Her sweet, adorable, mildly ridiculous, completely wonderful man had just wanted to celebrate. Had he really needed to freeze her half to death to do it though? She was torn between being amused and too overcome by the look he was giving her to do much of anything else, let alone be indignant about it now.

"How much ego stroking do you want—not that kind," she added as he leered.

He laughed. "I'm good," he whispered, finding her lips again.

Well, she wasn't. She felt sappy and overcome and she was still kind of cold. She tugged on his back until he collapsed almost completely on top of her. She wound herself around him, not aroused, but close and comfortable and intimate. "I'm marrying my one-and-done tomorrow," she breathed into his ear. "Even if he does ridiculous things like dumping me in pools."

He chuckled against her neck and snaked his arms under her before rolling them so that she was sprawled out on top of his chest. "Should I apologize?" he whispered, finding her eyes as she raised her head to look at him.

She shook her head and smiled. "Nah. Just know that if you'd just asked me to go in and look at something, I might have let you get to third base," she said, highly aware that she was evil, and loving every second of it as he groaned and grabbed her, pulling her in for a searing kiss.

"You're horrible," he decided when they pulled apart a few minutes later. Maybe she should have just given in. They'd certainly been here long enough.

"You want to marry 'horrible' tomorrow?" she parroted with a pout.

He smiled and pressed his lips to her nose. "I want to marry _you_ tomorrow—tease, temptress, gorgeous, sexy, beautiful little you."

She couldn't help the blush or the faint swoon or anything, because they were getting married tomorrow. "Good," she decided softly.

He beamed and then slid a hand down to cup her ass. "You better make this up to me," he added.

She blinked and then gave him the hottest look she could possibly conjure in the moment. From the darkening of his eyes, she decided she'd been successful. "You can count on it, Mr. Castle."

(…)

Kate stared up at the ceiling, Rick sleeping heavily beside her. He'd collected on her promise. He'd collected on it so thoroughly and multiply that they'd laid there together for a full thirty minutes afterward, exchanging soft kisses and sinking into the sinful mattress in exhaustion before either was able to haul into the bathroom. She smiled at the memory, pleasantly warm and limp, and turned her head to kiss his shoulder. He tightened his hold on her waist, laying on his stomach with one arm flung over her, smiling in his sleep. By this time tomorrow, he'd be her husband. Though, as she glanced at the clock and realized it was only 1am, she reasoned that they probably wouldn't be sleeping at this time tomorrow. The thought made her blush faintly and she bit her lip, feeling giddy and excited.

Somewhere beyond the girlish glee was a small hollow of anxiety, and as the former faded, the latter surged up. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to decide what would help. She'd actually imagined this when she was young—lying awake the night before her wedding. Of course, in that vision, Rick was a young George Clooney and they weren't sleeping in the same bed, as per tradition. In that vision, she'd crept down the hallway and found her mother up and waiting for her. She'd tug Kate out onto the balcony and they'd talk until she was calm enough to sleep.

Here and now, on the eve of her actual wedding, however, she couldn't do that. And as much as she was sure Martha or her Father wouldn't mind, it wasn't the same. Regardless, she needed to get up and walk around, because the enormity of the day—the day she wanted and hoped for and couldn't wait to experience—was starting to get to her, overwhelming her with happiness and pleasant, yet persistent butterflies.

Carefully, she shifted Rick's arm and crept out of bed, slipping into his robe and padding out into the hall. Every room was taken, so she'd have to settle for the patio downstairs, which suited her just fine. It was where she'd sat here whenever anything was bothering her or keeping her up. This was hardly a bother, but she just needed a little space to quiet down. Getting married was a big deal, no matter who she was marrying—no matter how wonderful and perfect he was.

She tiptoed down the hallway and was just about to descend the stairs when a quiet voice stopped her. "Momma?"

Kate turned and found Alexis peeking out of her room, eyes heavy with sleep. "Hey," Kate said softly, about facing and walking over to stand in front of her. "What's wrong, honey?"

"Nothing," Alexis said softly. "I woke up and got excited," she added, looking up at Kate. "And then I heard somebody walking and it was you."

Kate smiled and ran a hand through the girl's hair. "Not sleepy anymore?" Alexis shook her head and Kate found that something had clicked for her in that moment. "Wanna come downstairs and watch the fire?" she whispered, watching Alexis' eyes light up.

She extended a hand to her and Alexis took it, her small fingers winding through Kate's as they walked silently down the stairs and over to the couch. The fire was dwindling in the grate, but it was still warm and inviting. Kate sat down and beckoned Alexis to follow. The little girl climbed up and cuddled into her side, wrapping one arm over her stomach. Kate ran her fingers through her hair and felt the anxiety and excitement calming.

"Are you excited, Momma?" Alexis asked and Kate smiled at the return of 'Momma,' so late at night.

"I am," Kate admitted. "So much that I couldn't sleep."

"Is Daddy sleeping?"

Kate laughed quietly. "Sometimes boys deal with excitement differently."

"Oh," Alexis nodded thoughtfully. "Is that why Daddy sometimes falls asleep on the way to book signings and press talks?"

Kate hadn't been aware that he did that. Funny. "Probably," she murmured. "But I guess us girls are the sleepless types."

"Yeah," Alexis mumbled. They sat quietly for a few minutes, watching the dying flames occasionally rise to lick at the blackened logs. "What time are we getting up tomorrow?" she asked.

"Probably around nine," Kate sighed. She'd love to sleep in, but there was no room for beauty sleep, not when she'd be spending the greater part of the morning and early afternoon being dolled up. "We need time to get into those dresses."

Alexis smiled into her side. "I love my dress. I feel like a princess."

"Me too," Kate admitted, smiling herself.

"Can we try them on again now?" Alexis whispered, though the thought was interrupted by a yawn.

Kate laughed. "Not now, sweetie. But it's just a few hours and we'll be shimmying into them anyway." She said it like the adult she was, but all she wanted to do was put on her dress and stand in front of the mirror with Alexis, like they'd done a week earlier.

,

_ "You look so pretty, Mommy," Alexis said quietly, staring up at Kate as she smoothed down the front of her wedding dress._

_ "You do too," Kate smiled, turning away from her reflection to look down at her daughter, dressed in a white dress with poofed sleeves and a satin red sash. The flowing skirt flared out at the waist and landed just below her ankles, showing off her adorable, one-inch heels. Alexis looked just like a little princess, and she twirled around happily, giggling as her skirt flew up. _

_Kate was tempted to the same, and, egged on by the girlish delight beside her, did just that. Alexis laughed happily and stopped to watch as her very dignified mother twirled around like and eight-year-old, giggling herself. She stopped and met Alexis' eyes and they laughed together, cheeks pink and eyes alight. She beckoned the girl forward to stand in front of her so that they could look at their reflections in the big mirror of the guest room closet. Rick had gone out to meet with Paula about an hour ago, and they'd decided to try their dresses on after watching part of _Cinderella_ together. _

_ "Do you feel like you're in a movie?" Alexis asked after a moment, meeting Kate's eyes in the mirror as she leaned back against her stomach. _

_ Kate watched as the corner of her mouth twitched up in amusement. "I guess so," she said. Her life was something, and a movie might not be that much of a stretch, not as she stood there in a wedding dress, days from marrying Richard Castle, her favorite author turned boyfriend turned fiancé. And to top it off, her daughter, soon to be legally her child, was leaning back against her, beaming at her. "Sometimes my life feels very strange, Alexis."_

_ "In a good way?"_

_ "In the best way," she smiled, wrapping her arms around the girl's shoulders and bending down so that their heads were side by side. She was mildly pleased to discover that her breasts weren't about to pop out of the dress. Rick would be disappointed. _

_ "Mommy?"_

_ "Hmm?" Kate replied, dancing the girl's hips back and forth and smiling as she giggled._

_ "Will we do this when I'm wearing my wedding dress?"_

_ Kate sucked in a breath and found Alexis' eyes with her own in the mirror. "Yes," she whispered, turning to kiss her daughter's cheek. "Yes. Though, I think I'd look silly in your dress."_

_ Alexis laughed and Kate felt her heart swell. Oh, she was going to bawl like a baby when Alexis got married, wasn't she? Hell, she might start crying now. _

_ "You'll be wearing what Gram's wearing," Alexis explained patiently, her eyes dancing with mischief._

_ "I hope not!" Kate said loudly, surprised and so very tickled by this little girl in the white dress with the big smile and huge, blue eyes. "I don't think I can pull that one off, pumpkin." Martha's dress was…lovely, in a very Martha way. But Kate definitely couldn't pull off that shade of yellow, nor the pink pumps that went with the ensemble. Only Martha was capable of such a feat of fashion._

_ "But you'll wear something pretty?" Alexis laughed._

_ "Of course. I will find the prettiest dress for your wedding, second to your wedding dress, obviously," she promised. _

_ "You'll still be the most beautiful one there," Alexis whispered, turning to look up at her._

_ Kate smiled and ran a hand through the girl's hair. "I'm touched that you think so now, sweetie, but trust me. You? You're going to knock 'em dead."_

_ Alexis shrugged and toyed with Kate's ring. "If you say so."_

_ "I do," she promised, and then grinned as Alexis beamed at her._

_ "I'm so glad you're marrying Daddy," she told her, squeezing her hand._

_ "Me too, munchkin. Me too."_

_,_

"I'm gonna miss you when you guys are gone," Alexis said softly a few minutes later.

Kate smiled and bent down to brush a kiss over her forehead. "We'll miss you too. But it's only a week; we'll be back before you know it."

"I know," Alexis sighed, snuggling closer.

"And you'll have lots of fun with your Gram and my Dad. Plus, I'm pretty sure Kevin and Javi want to spoil you for a day, and Madison and Lanie do too," she relayed, smiling at the kindness of her friends, who were all nuts over Alexis.

"I like them," Alexis said, her voice laced with quiet approval. "And I called Javi, 'Uncle Javi' today and he didn't even flinch," she added happily.

Kate honestly had to do something for that man. "He loves you, sweetie," she offered simply.

"I love him too. And everybody else."

It was funny, really, to think that this little girl had charmed all of her friends, wrapped them around her fingers by their heart strings, and wasn't about to let go. Then again, as she felt the last well of anxiety fall away, she probably shouldn't have been so surprised. Alexis just had a way of making the dark into the light. After all, she was the entire reason they were sitting there together, the night before Kate married the most amazing man. But without the child falling asleep next to her, she wouldn't have him, and she wouldn't have her, and she couldn't imagine that life anymore.

All she wanted was to sit here, carding her fingers through her daughter's hair, staring at the fire, silent, happy, and free.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: Thus ends the penultimate chapter of this story. One more to go. <strong>

**I'll have so much to say in the next chapter, so I won't bore you with it here, but writing this story has been a truly magical experience, and I'm so grateful to everyone who has stuck with it, caught up, commented, reviewed, tumbld, tweeted and messaged me. Your support has been so fantastic and encouraging, and I'm really grateful to be part of this fandom.**

**And so I bid you adieu until the last chapter, and I hope that you enjoyed this one. I had a lot of fun writing it. **

**Emma**


	41. Chapter 41

**Title: Of Finding Innocence **

**Disclaimer: I do not own any part of _Castle_, obviously. However, I'd gladly serve them all coffee. **

**Summary: When Kate Beckett went to get her book signed by Richard Castle, she never imagined that she'd end up meeting his daughter, much less offering to babysit for the afternoon. What happened next was nothing short of her wildest dreams, and so much more. AU. **

* * *

><p><strong>Chapter 41: Epilogue<strong>

She drummed her fingers against the metal bar, hearing the little 'chink' every fourth hit as her rings met the smooth surface. She searched the crowd with her eyes, looking for the familiar flash of red in the sea of blacks and browns and blonds. JFK was crowded and Kate sighed, glancing over at the arrivals board. On time. Well, that was a relief.

She watched as a surge of people came from one of the long hallways, a little family at the forefront. A tiny boy sat up on his father's broad shoulders, giggling, and a little girl, maybe seven or eight, clung to her mother's hand, babbling away. The mother, who looked about three years Kate's senior, with a low blond pony tail and customary black New York pea coat, smiled down at her daughter while her husband said something to send the little one on his shoulders peeling with laughter again.

They made a lovely picture and Kate smiled softly, fingering the rings on her hand and peering around with renewed vigor. She just wanted her girl back. As if called by her inner petulance, Kate finally caught sight of her, running toward the barrier, suitcase rolling behind her.

"Mom," Alexis called out, beaming as she whipped through the gap two sets away and then barreled over, dropping her suitcase to catapult herself into Kate's waiting arms.

"Hi, Lex," she laughed, stumbling a bit as they balanced themselves out. The fifteen-year-old version of Alexis had more of an impact than she'd had at eight. "How are you?" she demanded, pulling back to inspect her daughter, fresh from a week with Meredith, doing God knows what. "Piercings? Tattoos?"

Alexis just laughed, eyes alight and face exactly the same as ever—freckled, pale and perfect. "Expensive clothes you're welcome to pilfer," she replied, grinning as Kate nodded in approval. "You cut your hair," she continued a second later.

It was a testament to how all-out that hug had been that Alexis hadn't noticed sooner. "Do you like it?" Kate asked, self-consciously tugging at a strand of her ridiculously short hair. "I asked for a styled bob, and they gave me this," she explained as she grabbed Alexis' suitcase from her, firmly yanking it away as she feebly tried to protest. Her hair barely passed her cheekbones, and it left her feeling bare. She'd wanted something different, not the closest to page boy she'd been since she was three.

"It's cute," Alexis smiled, threading her arm through Kate's as they made their way out of the terminal and onto the tarmac. "Cold," Alexis whined, sounding eerily like her father.

"Happens when you spend a lovely week in California at the end of February," Kate laughed.

Alexis huffed and burrowed closer. "I like your hair," she decided after a minute as they passed the second lot, heading for the only spot Kate had been able to find during the rush hour craze of parking. The sky was gray above them, but clearing, and she welcomed the sight. There was nothing worse than an evening spent outside in the rain.

"I'm glad," she sighed. She'd been worried Alexis would hate it. She herself wasn't sure she liked it. Rick _loved_ it. She'd come home, close to tears, and he'd taken one look at her, jumped up from his office chair and tackled her onto the small couch against the bookshelf, proclaiming her the sexiest thing he'd ever seen. So, for all the misgivings she had, she'd had to hand it to the hairdresser; her cut certainly did things to her husband. And anything that made a man, married for just over six years, pounce on his wife like that was worth every penny.

"How is everyone?" her daughter asked as they finally reached the car and Kate unlocked it, laughing as Alexis sprinted around to hop into the passenger seat, burrowing in. Kate opened her door and twisted the key into the ignition to give the pouting girl some heat while she stowed the suitcase in the trunk. She let out a low sigh, watching her breath rise in a puff before her. As much as she loved her family, it was never the same without Alexis there.

Kate slid into the drivers' seat and looked over at her daughter, who was curled up in a ball, watching her. "Everyone's fine," she laughed as Alexis rubbed her hands over her dark-jean-clad legs. "Looking forward to seeing you."

Alexis smiled. "Good. You know I love Mom, but it's just not the same."

Kate leaned over and rested a hand on the girl's knee for a moment. "I know. And we've definitely missed having you around," she assured her.

"Have I said recently how glad I am that you married Dad?" she asked quietly.

Kate squeezed her knee. "Just about a week ago, probably," she teased gently. "But the sentiment's mutual." Alexis met her eyes happily. Visiting Meredith always brought Alexis home grateful that her father had found Kate. Though, to be fair, Alexis had found Kate; Rick was just a side benefit—something they'd giggled about more than once.

Alexis smiled. "Mom's new costume designer used to work for Vera Wang," she told her as Kate put the car into gear and pulled out, listening attentively even as she navigated their way out of the crowded garage. "She was showing me all of these designs, but your dress from Nordstrom was _still_ prettier."

Kate held back a smile. "I'm sure her friend's dresses were gorgeous." The visits also made Alexis sentimental. It hurt on some level, to know that the trip to California brought her back so eager for memories and extra hugs. But at the same time, it made Kate feel special, a dichotomy she _still_ wasn't quite comfortable with.

Alexis gave her a look. "We both know you were the most beautiful bride ever."

Kate just shook her head and paid the fare for the garage, pulling out and into the dense mid-day, Friday afternoon traffic. "Well thank you," she said after a minute or two of tense driving, trying to ensure that they didn't end up in a wreck.

Alexis sighed heavily and Kate laughed. "You're ridiculous. Do you remember what Dad looked like? I'm pretty sure he wasn't breathing."

,

_ "Well?" Kate prompted shyly, doing a small twirl for her father as she stood at the bottom of the stairs. The dress billowed around her as she pirouetted on her bare feet and her father stood there, mouth agape, his eyes suspiciously shiny._

_ "Oh, Katie," he breathed, taking the hand she extended toward him. "You look so beautiful."_

_ "Thank you, Daddy," Kate murmured, watching as he continued taking her in. She caught him as his gaze rested on the ring that dangled from a new platinum chain around her neck—her something old and something new, one from her mother and one from Martha._

_ "She would have been over the moon," Jim told her, meeting her eyes. Both were close to tears. They stared at each other for a long moment, missing Johanna, who should have been there with them. But then, simultaneously, it seemed, they realized that Kate was in her wedding dress and the processional was starting. Finally, they each laughed a little and wiped at their eyes._

_ She wished her mother could be here to see this. But at least Kate had a part of her; she gently twirled the ring on her chest, feeling her own engagement band on her finger—the old with the new. "I know," she said, smiling sadly at her father._

_ He nodded gruffly for a moment and then cleared his throat, gearing up to say something she could tell he'd thought about. "I can't think of a better man, or a better family to give you up to," he said, his voice a little tight. "Though, as your Dad, I have to agree with Rick; they're getting the gift."_

_ Kate smiled and shook her head. "It's the other way around," she argued as she turned and watched Alexis prance down the little aisle in the sand, between the 20 white chairs. She spread flowers as she went, her head held high, staring at her father, Richard Castle, who had eyes only for his little girl. Lanie and Madison followed in their maroon dresses, barefoot as well, and Jim touched her shoulder._

_"I'm lucky," Kate said as he came to stand at her side. She turned and kissed his cheek, infinitely happy that she had _him_ there with her. "And I love you, Daddy."_

_ He smiled and squeezed her hand, pulling it into the crook of his elbow as the little string quartet began to play the bridal march. Elise had insisted. As she walked onto the porch and down the steps, her father's words of, "I love you too, Katherine. And your mother and I are so proud of you," replaying in her ears, the music overtook her and it finally clicked; she was getting married._

_The smile that split her face as that thought sank in was luminescent. She felt the sand between her toes as they stepped off the patio and began making their way down the little aisle. And then she only had eyes for Rick, who stood beside the Mayor—_The Mayor—_transfixed as he stared at her. The grin that bloomed on his face was exultant, and their eyes met, his blue and excited, hers hazel and wet already._

_ Slowly, so slowly that she almost wanted to break away and run to the front, she and her father made their way to Rick. She just wanted to hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, tackle him to the ground and wipe that grin off until all he could do was gasp. She laughed a little at herself; that was romantic. Her father squeezed her arm in question and she just shook her head. Rick laughed as his eyes held hers. She wondered if they were sharing the same joke together._

_ But it hardly mattered, for when they reached him, and her father kissed her hand before handing it to Rick, all they could do was stare at each other. Kate took a brief moment to lock eyes with Alexis, who was practically bouncing up and down next to Javier behind Rick. They beamed at each other and then Kate found Rick's eyes, and she was lost._

_ "You look…" he trailed off as Bob came to stand between them. Rick's eyes raked up and down her figure and he worked his jaw for a moment, unable to find the right words._

_ "Have I rendered you speechless?" she teased, because the alternative was catapulting herself into his arms, and you were supposed to wait for the rings, right? He laughed loudly and reached out to take her hands. _

_ "If the bride and groom are finished," Bob chuckled. There was a laugh from the crowd, but Kate barely heard it._

_ "I love you," Rick mouthed to her as Bob began speaking._

_ Kate smiled and replied the same. She was pretty sure that for the next fifteen minutes, she didn't hear Bob at all. He was talking, but all she could do was stare at Rick, imagining their life together, thinking about his smile, his hands, his body, his lips and how much she wanted to kiss him. And he looked equally affected. They snapped out of it for long enough to share their simple vows, and then he was sliding a ring onto her finger, his hands warm and large around hers._

_ "I take thee, Katherine Beckett, to be my lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live," he intoned, his eyes never leaving hers. He squeezed her fingers between his once the ring was on and she blinked rapidly to stall tears she hadn't planned on shedding._

_ A second later, Madison was pressing the ring into her hand and Kate took a deep breath before gently dislodging his hands so that she could take his left in both of hers. She looked up and met his eyes as she slipped the ring, cool and smooth, onto the tip of his warm ring finger._

_ "I take you, Richard Castle," she began, surprised to find her voice so steady even though her heart was thumping wildly. "to be my lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, as long as we both shall live." She gently glided the ring down below his second knuckle and they stood there like punch-drunk happy idiots, hands entwined._

_ "And now, by the power vested in me by the State of New York, I present to you, Mr. and Mrs. Castle," Bob announced, grinning. "Go on and kiss her," he added to Rick. "I know you've been waiting."_

_Rick grinned and tugged her into his chest. Kate wound her arms around his neck, and found his lips hot on hers, chest strong against hers, hands clutching at her cheeks. She opened her mouth and sighed into him, her husband. They stayed there, consumed by each other until Bob coughed, reminding them that they weren't alone; it felt like they were. Reluctantly, they broke apart and Rick rested his forehead against hers, looking just as stunned and overcome as she felt._

_ "I love you, Mrs. Castle," he whispered, just as something knocked into their sides. _

_ Kate looked down and found Alexis wrapped around them, grinning as they smiled down at her. "You're married!" she exclaimed, her big blue eyes shining up to meet theirs. _

_ "That we are," Kate agreed, unwrapping one arm to cup the back of Alexis' head. She was mildly aware that they were standing in front of their family and friends, having an extremely intimate moment for all to see. But damnit, she was married; she couldn't care less. _

_ "Now you really are my mommy," Alexis whispered, looking up at her as Rick leaned forward to press his lips to her forehead, his arm falling to wrap around her waist._

_ Kate blinked and felt a tear slip down her cheek. She'd dreamed this up. She was standing in the middle of a fantasy, because she'd heard Alexis say just that the first time she'd seen the dress she now wore. And here they were, a true family, married, legal and binding._

_ "Yeah, munchkin, I am," Kate whispered back._

_ Rick's hand squeezed her side and she turned her face back to give him a small kiss, before the noise of the little crowd broke through. They were clapping and cat calling, smiles over every face, tears in her father's eyes, streaks of mascara running down Martha's cheeks. _

_ Alexis let them go and scampered to Lanie's side for the processional back down the little aisle. They turned and Kate snuck her arm around Rick's waist, gripping at the fabric of his jacket and feeling the two rings sliding on her finger. He turned and pressed a kiss into her cheek as they slowly made their way down the aisle, smiling at their friends and parents, who just wouldn't stop making noise. Kate didn't blame them though; she wanted to scream and jump and fall onto a bed, kicking her feet and giggling because she was so very, amazingly happy._

_They cleared the chairs and Kate squeaked as Rick flipped around and hauled her into his arms. She clutched at his neck and laughed as he slipped in the sand, placing smacking kisses against her lips that certainly weren't helping his coordination._

"_Rick," she laughed as they made it to the stairs and he climbed up. "Where are we going?"_

_He just smiled and stopped at the double doors. Kate glanced over his shoulder and noticed that their guests had hung back, watching them, some with cameras, and others laughing and exchanging money. _

"_Welcome home, Mrs. Castle," Rick breathed, grabbing Kate's attention back as he stared down at her._

_She met his eyes and then laughed as he took an exaggerated step across the threshold to the beach house. "Thank you, Mr. Castle."_

_He just grinned and walked into the living room before setting her down, sliding her against his body as much as possible until her bare feet touched the floor. She reached up and pulled his face down to hers, one hand behind his head and the other threading into his hair as he wound his arms around her and pulled her close. They were married—husband and wife, spouses, together for the rest of their lives._

"_You are the most exquisite vision I've ever seen," he mumbled against her lips. "I…that dress, Kate," he continued, pressing kisses all over her face._

_She massaged his neck and sighed, pulling him closer, eager to feel every line and plane of his body against hers. "You look rather exquisite yourself," she whispered, stroking a thumb over his cheek as he pulled back to look at her, blue eyes sparkling. _

"_I couldn't stop staring," he admitted as he trailed a hand up her back to run across the smooth expanse of bare skin at her shoulders. "And then I couldn't stop thinking about getting you out of this dress."_

"_You too?" she giggled._

_His eyes widened and then he laughed, collapsing into her so that they stumbled around, clutching at each other and pausing to share kisses that only tipped them further. "See," he gasped as they pulled apart, unable to take in enough air from the laughter and the kissing. "I knew you were thinking that!" he said triumphantly. "When you laughed as you were walking down the aisle—I knew it!"_

_Kate felt her eyes widen and then she blinked a few times. "Well…have you seen you?" she asked him. _

"_Have you seen you?" he parroted with a grin. Kate laughed and then sighed as he pulled her in, not for a kiss, but for a hug. He engulfed her smaller frame and she pressed her lips to his throat, grinning at the feeling of his strong arms along her back. "I don't care what you say," he murmured against the top of her head. "There has never been anyone—anyone—more beautiful that you, Katherine Castle."_

,

"Well, your Dad looked great too," Kate mumbled while Alexis laughed, obviously having caught her in the memory. "And so did you, for that matter." She'd looked so lovely in that little white dress that probably would pass for a shirt these days.

Alexis rolled her eyes but then perked up beside her. "Will you help me find a dress for prom if I get asked?"

"Do you think you will?" Kate asked, glancing over at her daughter, who had her lip pulled between her teeth. They were heading into the dating period now, and it both saddened and excited Kate. It would be fun to get to shop for a gorgeous dress and do her daughter's hair, but at the same time, it meant Alexis wouldn't be a girl for much longer; she was a woman already, but sometimes, just sometimes, she was still the little girl that called her 'Momma' and asked for a hug.

"Maybe," Alexis whispered. "But…we'll see. Bella will want to come too."

Kate smiled at the image _that_ shopping trip conjured up. "Maybe we'll bring your Gram too—balance the party out."

Alexis laughed. "How's Dad doing with that, by the way?" she wondered. "Has she driven him up the wall yet?"

When Alexis had left for the week, Martha had been living at the loft for a little over a month. It had been an adjustment for everyone involved, but hardest on Rick. He acted like Martha grated on his nerves, and she did, but at the same time, he was legitimately troubled by the fact that she'd been swindled by a man she'd fallen head over heels for. She drank more—was louder and more flamboyant—and that weighed on Rick. He'd shared as much with Kate, and then in a moment of quiet in the dark of their bedroom, curled up behind her and asked how she'd felt when she'd noticed her father sinking into alcoholism.

She'd glanced at the night table, where the watch her father had given her glinted in the dim light that crept through the crack under the door. Her father had been sober for five years, and the watch was a token for her. He said she'd pulled him out, brought him into the light and shared this amazing life she'd built with him. And as Rick had laid behind her, worried for his own mother, she'd threaded her fingers through his and told him they'd help Martha if it became a problem. But his mother wasn't her father, and she would bounce back.

And then Kate had rolled him and wrapped herself around his back, pressing her kisses to the back of his neck and rubbing her fingers across his chest, able to comfort him for once—to be the rock in his storm, because that was what they were for each other.

But recently, Martha had been a Godsend, and her increased role around the house had begun to endear her presence to her grouchy husband, cranky from book tours and not enough time spent with his girls. "He's okay," she told her daughter. "Getting better about it. Though, she did throw a party last week."

"Show tunes?" Alexis grimaced.

"With five friends," Kate smiled. _That_ had not been a pleasant evening for anyone involved, except perhaps Martha's drunken friends.

"Always exciting at the very least, right?" Alexis offered and Kate stole another glance over to the mature teenager. Her daughter could find the lighter side of anything, and this was no exception. She kept them all above water, no matter how difficult things got.

"Right," Kate agreed. Their life was crazy and hectic, caught between playdates and recitals, homicide and book launches, with family time and _married_ time thrown haphazardly somewhere in the middle. But Kate wouldn't trade it for anything.

Deciding that they could use a more upbeat topic, Kate began to ask Alexis about everything she'd done in California. They'd gotten daily updates, but Meredith was always dragging the girl out before they could talk for very long. The week long break her private school gave at the end of February provided the perfect opportunity to see Meredith before the craze of spring semester, and Meredith took the chance with gusto. They still weren't the best of friends, but the other woman had been relatively good about keeping her promises, and she and Kate had developed a tentative…acceptance of each other that sometimes bordered on a bizarre friendship—sometimes.

By the time they reached the back of the Barnes and Noble where they were meeting Rick, Alexis had regaled her with a number of stories of Hollywood parties that Kate didn't think she'd ever have experienced, even if she'd lived in LA. She felt a little bad, bringing her daughter from one glamorous experience to another, but Rick had demanded that they come to the signing so he could see Alexis, because there had been the off chance that he'd be wrangled into another conference and not get to see her until the launch party that night.

"Are you still mad?" Alexis asked as they got out and went through the service entrance, nodding to Bryan, Rick's main security guy as he let them into the white hallway.

"About your Dad killing off Derek Storm?" Kate asked. What else? Alexis nodded with a small smile. Kate had chased him around the house, not because he'd killed him, but because he hadn't warned her, and hadn't let her read anything before the galley copy. Alexis and Bella had laughed for hours after she'd caught him and whacked him with the large manuscript while he laughed and tried to pry it out of her hands.

"I'm not mad," she sighed with a small laugh as Alexis bumped her hip. "I want him to enjoy writing, you know?" And yes, it had broken a small part of her heart when Derek had died, but she had the real man, the mind behind the character, to come home to every day.

"Has he written anything yet?" Alexis asked quietly as they walked into the back of the store through the door to the bathrooms. The girl looked as concerned as Kate felt.

Kate shook her head. They were all worried about him. He'd lost his interest in writing. And while that was fine, and they wanted him to do what made him happy, writing made him happy. And no amount of family time or distractions seemed to be able to get her childish husband off of the couch at the end of the day and into his office to write a new story. So he'd killed off Derek, but it hadn't really seemed to help.

"But he'll get there," Kate assured her. At least she hoped so. Gina was threatening to take back his advance, and there was little happy blood between the two recently. And an unhappy Gina made for a tense Rick, which just threw the dynamic off in the house. With Martha there, it had been less than optimal on every level, and Kate just hoped that something would knock Rick into a new groove.

"Hey," Alexis said as they walked through the languages section, dodging a few displays as they went, "is this the same store where we met?"

Kate glanced around. She hadn't really given it that much attention, and they'd driven up to the back of the building so she couldn't be sure. It might be. But all of the Barnes and Nobles she'd seen recently had started to blur together. New books meant book signings and launches, and since she enjoyed his work and liked to support her husband, she'd ended up in many a bookstore in the past few months.

"Careful, speed racer," they heard as they rounded another out of place display of teen books. "Or you'll run into someone…"

A blur of sprawling brown curls rammed straight into Kate's legs and she stumbled backward, laughing. Alexis caught her as Bella grinned up at them. "Momma!" the little girl giggled, clutching at Kate's pants so she didn't fall down.

"You've gotta watch where you're going, Bells," Kate told her, running a hand over her head. "And it's good to see you too." She'd learned to roll with things, having a three-year-old to look after. Alexis had been a handful at times over the years, but Isabella Johanna Castle, her little spitfire, took 'handful' to a whole new level.

Bella smiled, looking innocently up at her. Then her big, light brown eyes found Alexis and she squealed, releasing Kate to fling herself at her big sister. "Lexi!" she screeched in a fit of childish passion.

Alexis laughed and swung her up into her arms, kissing her cheeks and spinning around, giggling with the little three-year-old. "Hi, Bella," she laughed. "I've missed you, pipsqueak."

Kate listened as her daughters conversed and then looked up to find Rick leaning against the bookshelf, watching the scene with a small, tired smile. "Hey," she said, glancing back at the girls, who were completely consumed in their own world. "You done?" she asked as she walked up to him and met his lips as he leaned down for a small kiss.

"Yeah," he breathed, leaning into the palm she rested on his stubbly cheek. He was dressed for success, wearing a nice pair of jeans and a deeply unbuttoned white dress shirt under a black suit jacket. "And I don't have that meeting, so you could have just met us at the loft," he added, and she could hear the irritation in his voice. He'd wanted to get some real time with Alexis before the launch party, where he'd be lucky to spend twenty minutes with her, if that.

Kate shrugged. "There's something kind of fun about having a complete déjà vu moment," she smiled, watching as his face lit up in recollection. "You really need to keep control of your daughters."

He grinned and pulled her back in for another kiss. They got lost in each other for a moment until their elder girl interrupted. "Hey, you see her all the time," Alexis protested, coming up to them, Bella giggling and pointing at them as she always did when they kissed. "What am I, chopped liver?"

"Hey," Rick protested as Kate untangled herself from him and lifted her younger daughter out of Alexis' arms. "She got to you first."

"Bella's just too fast for Daddy, isn't she?" Kate asked, sharing a wink with the little girl, who simply nodded emphatically.

"You're slow, Daddy," she added. All three laughed, and then Rick grabbed Alexis in a fierce hug, murmuring into her ear and making her laugh. "I didn't see you this morning," Bella said, bringing Kate's focus back to the little moppet in her arms, who reached up to play with her hair.

"I know," Kate said, leaning forward to kiss her forehead and running a hand down her sweater-clad back. "Sorry about that, Bells, but I had to go to work so I could pick up your Lexi."

Bella nodded in understanding. "And I won't see you tonight?"

"I don't know," Kate sighed, hiking her up on her hip as Rick dragged Alexis back over to them. "You might if I don't get a call. But we have to go to Daddy's book launch, remember? Grandpa Jim's going to stay with you."

Bella smiled. The only person who loved the girls more than she and Rick did would have to be Jim. He and Martha were normally a tie, but there was just something about the way her father watched Bella, who did look so much like Johanna had. "Will you come in and give me a kiss?" she asked after a moment, her voice small.

Kate smiled. "Of course I will. Just like always," she promised. She always snuck in to kiss her younger daughter when she got home, no matter what the hour. And usually she'd check on Alexis too, who as the years had gone by, sometimes stayed awake to see her come home. Kate had missed getting that small time with her over the past week, especially with Rick out of the house so much for press; everything was a little strained and they didn't get to see each other, any of them, as much they wanted.

"You know, I met about three little Bellas last week," Alexis told them as they began making their collective way toward the back door again; walking out the front door would only result in paparazzi heaven, with all four of them together, and today was just not the day for that.

Rick gave Kate a pointed look and she sighed. "Look, I didn't know that Isabella was going to become one of the most popular names in the country. I didn't even know Stephenie Meyer existed. You should have been more on top of that," she added, looking at Rick. It was a common joke in the Castle household, because they'd been calling Isabella, Bella, long before _Twilight__'__s_ Bella came onto the scene. But ever since Alexis had read the books, she and Rick had teased Kate about it.

"I like my name. And vampires drink human blood," Bella interrupted, having heard this conversation enough times to know where it was going.

"Ha," Kate laughed while Rick did that handshake Kate _still_ didn't quite understand with their younger daughter.

Alexis leaned over after a moment and plucked Bella from Kate's arms, demanding more quality time with her little sister before they had to separate for the party that night. Rick sidled over and wrapped an arm around Kate's shoulders, pressing his lips into her forehead as they ambled behind their daughters. She was about to turn and make a comment about the short, skimpy dress she was planning to wear that night, wanting to get him a little more excited for the party, but then her cell rang.

"Not a body, not a body," they chanted together—one of their more disgustingly cute habits. Alexis smirked back at them.

"Beckett," she answered, squeezing Rick's hip.

"Sorry, Boss," Esposito said by way of greeting.

She dropped her head onto Rick's shoulder as he rubbed his thumb against the small of her back. "Alright. Where? And will I get back in time for the party?"

"607 Park Avenue. And as for getting out early—this one's definitely Beckett flavored," he relayed. She could hear both the amusement and genuine regret in his voice.

Kate groaned and took the small pad Rick extended, reluctantly stepping away from him to jot down the address. "Thanks, Espo."

"You got it. See you in twenty?"

"Yep."

"Tell Lex, 'welcome back,' for me," he added as he clicked off.

Kate smiled and tucked both the phone and pad back into her pocket. "Javier says welcome back," she told Alexis. "And I am _sorry,_" she added, turning to Rick and wrapping her fingers through his. "I wanted to come to this one."

He gave her a soft, understanding smile. "It's okay. I know you don't love watching me run the fangirl persona."

"Mom likes to go so she can claim you," Alexis piped up helpfully while Bella giggled, not really aware of what was going on, but enjoying herself none-the-less.

"Is that so?" Rick laughed, turning back to Kate who sent Alexis a playful glare before giving him her attention. "Then maybe you can get away to come and claim me tonight?" he grinned.

Kate just shook her head and leaned up to give him a quick kiss. "I'll see what I can do, Mr. Castle," she offered, her voice low.

He growled and pulled her back in for another kiss, bringing a hand up to wrap into her short hair—a habit he'd developed since she got it cut—and it made the hair, the call, and the dead body almost worth it. Their daughters giggled and begin to chant, 'ew,' at them until they broke apart.

Rick laughed and released her, watching with a smirk as she straightened out her hair and ran her hands down the front of the blouse she wore. She'd have to throw her blazer on before going to the scene. She sighed and turned to Alexis, who walked over, Bella clinging to her neck. Kate chuckled as both girls hugged her, two sets of arms wrapping around her at awkward angles.

"I'll see you guys tomorrow, if not tonight," she told them, giving both a kiss. "And Lex, you and I have serious catching up to do, whenever we get a moment."

Alexis grinned and nodded. "Sounds good."

"Okay," she said, steeling herself to walk away from the picture of her daughters and husband, who came over to stand behind them, his arms around Alexis' shoulders. "Mommy has to go solve a murder."

"Kick butt!" Bella exclaimed, making all of them laugh.

"Will do," she smiled. "I'll see you later."

"Bye Mommy," they chorused, Rick loudest of the three.

She laughed and then turned around, headed for the front door, where no one would notice her without Rick and Alexis. And as she walked away from her family toward a "Beckett Flavored" murder, she smiled. She'd see them that night, and no number of suspects or interrogations would keep her from at least getting to pass out on their couch. She passed the children's section and her smile grew as she flashed back to the day they'd met, when Alexis had fallen asleep on her lap. She had what she'd wanted all those years ago in this store—that feeling of contentment and purpose, full of love and innocence, even as she headed toward the harsh reality of the world outside.

And who knows? Maybe she would get to crash Rick's launch party.

-The End-

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><p><strong>Author's Note: My friends, we've come to the end of this story. It's been an amazing four months (exactly) of writing this story, and your support, encouragement, messages, tumbls, reviews, tweets and graphics have been a high point in every day. <strong>

**A lot of you have been asking about future projects. I'm writing an original series, _The__ Paige__ Series_, which is up on my website. That will get another case, hopefully, sometime in the beginning of December, so I want to take some time for that.**

**In terms of future fanfiction projects, I'd like a little input.**

**1. I have ideas for a sequel to OFI, which would be a re-imagining of the series from the end of the Epilogue onward (might be just a one shot, could be more). I would re-write each episode, adding changes and altering the story so that the cases are the same (as much as they can be), but the other stuff—their relationship, his home life—fit OFI's ending premise, and expand on the plot elements the epilogue introduced (i.e. Bella). **

**Would you guys be interested in that?**

**2. I have one-shots I have sitting around, or in various stages of completion. I'll probably work on those before I'd start the sequel, if I do it.**

**Writing this story has made me grow so much as a writer, and I've learned a lot about myself in the process, and I have you guys to thank for that. I don't think it would have become what it is without your support. And so I thank you, because you're an amazing group of people and I am so happy to be a part of this fandom. **

**Emma**


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